“The Talk” host Julie Chen is taking time off to “spend time with her family”, while her husband, the now-fired ex-Prez of CBS waits to collect his 120 mil severance.

- And by “spend time with her family” she means go over her Pre-Nup with a fine tooth comb.

*****

Twelve years after it was demoted to Dwarf Planet status, Scientists now insist that Pluto should be reinstated as a full-fledged Planet.

- Now if we can just get scientists to insist that DTE Energy Music Theater should be reinstated as PINE KNOB!!!

*****

The US Government is now using the “Molar Mic”… a microphone that clips to the back of a wearers teeth and works like a two-way radio.

- Finally CIA agents can do something I never managed to do: Talk on the radio and chew gum at the same time.

*****

Amazon has banned a number of Dating Advice Books because of unspecified “offensive content”.

- So “Who Should Pay For Dinner?” is offensive… but you can still get a copy of “Fifty Shades of Grey” for $9.75. (I looked it up!)

*****

A dermatologist claims that "Cultural Stress" - the result of trying to live up to the expectations of Social Media - causes wrinkles and can make you look 3 and a half years older than you are. 

- Luckily you can take 3 and a half year off your age by using a filter on your Facebook pics!

*****

A new study by Eden Fantasies found that the average person gives their partner a B- grade in the bedroom. 

- If you think that's depressing, remember people were graded on a curve.

- On a bright note... you can bring your grade up by doing "extra credit".

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

CBS President Les Moonves is out at CBS after six more women came forward accusing him of sexual harassment. 

- His life story was obviously the inspiration for CBS's "The Big Bang Theory".

- It's on CBS's cancellation list... and now so is Moonves. 

*****

For the first time in it's almost 100 year history, Lafayette Coney is now accepting credit cards. 

- Hot Dog! 

- The announcement got a Chili reaction from cash-enthusiasts, but the owner said it's time to Ketchup with modern technology. 

*****

VP Mike Pence told Fox News that he's willing to take a die detector test to prove he's NOT the White House mole. 

- Remember the good old days when the Vice President got elected and we never heard from him again? 

*****

Lionel Ritchie's model son, Miles, is covered in more than 150 tattoos. 

- Hello???

- Miles went Once... Twice... Three Times to a Tattoo Lady. 

*****

Hillary Clinton is scheduled to appear at a "Lesbian Tech Conference" in NYC this week.

- Or as Bill Clinton calls it "Really Smart Girl-On-Girl Action". 

- Meanwhile Bill will be appearing at a "Girls Gone Wild Conference" in Ft. Lauderdale. 

*****

A Mississippi high school senior had to ditch her crown after being named homecoming queen — so she could put on her football uniform and kick an extra point for the boy's Varsity football team. 

- It's the first time someone has stuffed their bra and worn a jock strap on the same night since Caitlyn Jenner went to the gym to workout.  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

President Trump may have an anonymous enemy in the White House... but North Korea's Kim Jong Un says he still believes in the Prez. 

- Proving the old adage "With Enemies Like This... Who Needs Friends??"

*****

FBI agents in Minneapolis have recovered a pair of ruby red slippers that were stolen from the Judy Garland museum in 2005. 

- Wizard of Oz fans were thrilled. And Toto too! 

- To be honest, I didn't think they had a Flying Monkey's chance in Hell of getting them back! 

*****

Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin slammed the Ryan Gosling film “First Man” for not showing the American flag during Neil Armstrong’s and Buzz's moon landing. 

- For those of you under 40, Buzz Aldrin was the second man to land on the moon... Not Woody’s sidekick in Toy Story.

*****

Kendall Jenner was seen “ripping Caitlyn Jenner a new one” at a restaurant in Malibu on Tuesday. 

- The last time Kendall's step-Dad turned step-Mom got a new one there was a surgeon in the room. 

*****

According to a Pew Research Poll, 26% of Facebook users have taken a one or two week "Break" from Facebook in the last year. 

- That's insane! I mean, How did they figure out how they should feel about politics???

*****

Scientists say Human Brain Power fluctuates during the year -- with mental performance peaking in the Fall. 

- Bottom line: Enjoy the "A" your child or grandchild got on the first day of school because it's all downhill from here. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A video has gone viral of George W. Bush quietly sneaking a piece of candy to Michelle Obama during John McCain's funeral service. 

- Turns out W. split his Twix with her. He gave her the Left Side and he ate the Right Side. 

*****

U2 abruptly ended its Berlin concert after Bono completely lost his voice on stage.

- This is one of the perks of seeing a Britney Spears concert. It doesn't matter if she has a voice since she's lip-syncing.

*****

A new study found water inside Jupiter’s Great Red Spot, which raises the prospect that intelligent life may exist on the planet.

- But still no signs of intelligent life on THIS planet.

*****

The owners of the adult web site PornHub are negotiating with Kanye West to direct their upcoming awards show. 

- No matter who wins, he'll claim that "Beyonce had the greatest sex tape of all time!"

*****

A drunken Florida man was arrested for assault after he licked his finger and stuck it in his girlfriends ear in order to give her a "Wet Willy".

- It's a good thing he didn't put her head in the toilet and give her a "Swirly" or he'd be facing the Death Penalty.

*****

A study by the University of South Wales uncovered a so-called anti-aging "technique" that they claim could see people living to be 150 years old. 

- It's known as "The Betty White Plan".

- A better "technique" is to just lie about you age. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

PETA has asked officials in Maine for permission to erect a gravestone to mark the site of a truck accident that resulted in the deaths of 4500 lobsters. 

- Visitors to the grave will be encouraged to bring flowers and drawn butter. 

- It's a great way to give a tragedy a fairy Tails ending. 

*****

Sarah Palin - John McCain's VP nominee in 2008 - will not be at his funeral because she's "not invited". 

- She'll be part of the service however because she can see the National Cathedral from her house! 

*****

A new study found that people who eat large quantities of meat and cheese will live longer than people who don’t.

- At last! A joint study by Arby's and Velveeta. 

*****

Researchers claim that eating 9 tablespoons of Olive Oil a week works better for a man's "performance" than taking Viagra. 

- NOTE: If you take Olive Oil and your uh, you know, lasts more than 4 hours... see a Chef immediately. 

*****

A couple from Texas has been charged with abandonment after leaving their 11 year old daughter home alone while they came to Detroit for a concert. 

- We tried to reach a Mr. Macaulay Culkin for comment, but he was too busy booby trapping his house for burglars, to take the call. 

- Police reported injuries to the first officer entering the house, who slipped on a floor full of marbles and a second officer who was hit in the face with a frying pan. 

*****

A brawl broke out on a flight from London to Ibiza after a drunken woman gave lap dances to strangers, flashed her breasts and did cartwheels down the aisle. 

- Air Marshalls were totally okay with it until the cartwheel thing. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

People in NYC were shocked when a swarm of thousands of bees descended on a Hot Dog Cart. 

- Being New Yorkers, they were shocked because they expected Flies. 

*****

A study out of Britain found that Goats are attracted to humans with happy faces and that farmers should "smile" at barnyard animals to produce better meat. 

- To be honest, I stopped reading at "Goats are attracted to humans". 

*****

The new buzz word in social media is "Shadow Banning" - where users can put up whatever they want, but Twitter, etc... secretly keeps anyone from seeing the posts.

- I may be wrong, but I'm pretty sure "Shadow Banning" was the name of the overnight guy at one of my radio stations. 

*****

China is using two-foot-tall robots to spend time with senior citizens.

- I've always said the best part of being a grandparent is getting to spoil your robot and then giving it back to it's designer!

*****

According to the Wall Street Journal, more and more Millennials are giving up Dating Apps and trying to meet potential partners in REAL LIFE. 

- Are they crazy??? That's never gonna work!!! I wonder who came up with that ridiculous idea???

*****

Kim Kardashian - who's had over $500,000 worth of "work done" including eight implants in her rear end - announced that she's "retiring" from plastic surgery.

- She realized it was time to call it quits when her butt started "beeping" every time she backed up. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

The United States and Mexico reportedly reached a preliminary NAFTA deal that will be finalized in the coming days. 

- That according to a recording from Omarosa. 

*****

82 year old Robert Redford says his new movie, "The Old Man and the Gun" will be his last before retiring. 

- With the possible exception of "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance-Hey-You-Kid-Get-Offa-My-Lawn". 

*****

In an expletive filled rant, a Canadian Bridezilla called off her $60,000 wedding when friends refused to pay the $1500 she demanded per invite. 

- If you still want to get her a gift, she's registered at "Bed, Psychopath & Beyond". 

*****

Alec Baldwin will play Bruce Wayne's father in the newest Batman movie "Joker" and he say's he'll model the character on Donald Trump. 

- In other words, Alec's gonna make a pile of cash by bringing the same Trump impression he does on SNL to the Big Screen. 

*****

Officials in France closed a public beach because a sex-starved dolphin keeps bumping into female swimmers.

- In his defense, the Dolphin didn't do it on Porpoise.

*****

A small southern town... Mayo, Florida... announced that it's changing it's name to "Miracle Whip, Florida". 

- The town is Sandwiched between Sarasota and Bradenton. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Stormy Daniels came to the defense of First Lady Melania Trump over the weekend, saying “people should stop speaking for her” and making speculations about her feelings.

- And who better to know how Melainia feels than a woman who claims she had sex with HER husband? 

*****

A new study found that Orangutans frequently use "Medicinal Plants" to treat their sore muscles. 

- They are doing it on the sly now but are hoping some "Medicinal Plant Dispensaries" will be legalized by Orangutanian voters in November. 

*****

Sesame Street is suing producers of the new R-rated movie "The Happytime Murders" because it features Sesame Street-like puppets snorting cocaine and working as prostitutes. 

- We finally know what Miss Piggy did to bring home the bacon. 

*****

Students at an elementary school in Atlanta WILL recite the Pledge of Allegiance in school each morning thanks to angry parents who protested the Principal's original decision to scrap the Pledge for a school chant. 

- The Principal added, "Well... if the kids don't like reciting the Pledge, they can always take a knee!!!" 

*****

IBM is working on technology that will sense when you need a cup of coffee and then deliver it to you by Drone. 

- Which is perfect for people who are too lazy to make a cup of Joe on their own. 

- I'm amazed they didn't come up with this before. But better Latte than never. (rim shot!)

*****

The new generation of iPhones won't be unveiled until next month, but insiders say they'll be even bigger than the current models. 

- There's even a name for the giant iPhones. They're called "Laptop Computers". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Pics and Tweets allegedly prove that #MeToo movement co-founder Asia Argenta did indeed have sex with a then-17 year old boy who's accusing her of sexual assault. 

- Apparently she lives by the old adage: "Do As I Say... Not As I Did Him". 

*****

Photos of an Austrian man went viral Wednesday after he boarded a train with a rather unusual travelling companion: a Horse named Frieda.

- Most Australians are against Horses on Trains... that according to a Gallop Poll. 

*****

CBS announced that it's hit show "The Big Bang Theory" will go off the air next May after 12 seasons. 

- In other "Big Bang" news... Stormy Daniels has added new dates to her "Make America Horny Again" tour. 

*****

The LA District Attorney is investigating a second sexual assault case against Kevin Spacey. 

- At this point, Kevin's ENTIRE CAREER is a House of Cards. 

*****

Google has launched a new feature that filters negative news and delivers only positive stories to cheer people up. 

- It's called "No News"... since we all know that No News is Good News. 

*****

Kroger will do away with plastic grocery bags by 2025 to reduce the amount of trash in landfills... but they'll still offer paper bags.  

- Wasn't it just yesterday that we started using plastic bags in order to "Save the Trees"??? Wasn't that PAPER-SHAMING???

*****

A drone over the Amazon Rainforest captured images of a tribe of 16 people wandering around who experts say have never had contact with the outside world. 

- They know that because their Facebook posts didn't include any political opinions.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

So much for "Survival of the Fittest". According to a new study of ocean creatures, those that are the laziest and don't move much survive the longest.  

- Put another way... your 30 year old son who's living in your basement - may not ever move out, but he's gonna live FOREVER!

*****

A company in Taiwan is selling dog-shaped ice cream. 

- The "Double Chocolate Lab" is to die for but I'd stay away from the "Pitbull with Nuts". 

*****

Meghan Markle's estranged father compared her in-laws, Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip to the Church of Scientology over the weekend. 

- To be honest, that's better than a lot of people who refer to their in-laws as "Satan". 

*****

A Canadian Coffee Chain named "Second Cup" is turning some of their stores into marijuana dispensaries. 

- Locals say it's the Best Coffee Joint in town.

*****

A woman helping her Grandmother clean out her garage was astounded when she discovered a a Lamborghini, a Ferrari and an MG - valued at half a Mil. 

- I helped my Grandma clean out her garage once and all I found was an old can of Crisco and a   framed picture of James K. Polk. 

*****

Facebook admits that it assigns users a "Trust Rating" depending on how they react to news articles... but keeps each person's score a secret. 

- So Facebook is doing something it's Users NEVER do... Keeping part of their lives secret. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Madonna is being blasted on Social Media after her "Tribute" to Aretha Franklin at last nights Video Music Awards ended up being all about... Madonna. 

- Hey... at least she didn't sleep with anybody during the show. (As far as we know).  

*****

A robber recently stole $1,000 worth of vape pens from a Mount Juliet, Tennessee gas station.

- Police say the suspect is armed, dangerous, and trying to quit cigarettes.

***** 

The Miami Herald newspaper has endorsed a Congressional Candidate who claims that she was abducted by "3 large, blond aliens" and taken aboard their Mothership.

- I think we can all agree on a candidate who reaches across the aisle and gets beamed up to Outer Space! 

- Blond Aliens, eh? I'm betting they use "Miss Clairol Number-Area-51".

*****

Hillary Clinton will reportedly host what are being called "Intimate Dinners and Discussions" to raise money for Democratic Candidates. 

- Actually, Hillary will handle the "Dinners and Discussions" and Bill will focus on the "Intimate" parts. 

*****

Subway trains in Brooklyn, NY had to be redirected after a pair of Goats wandered on to the tracks Monday. 

- Attn: KIDS! Don't try this at home!

*****

After 116 years - and pressure from PETA, Nabisco has removed the cages from boxes of Animal Crackers leaving the Elephant and his friends roaming free on the front of each box. 

- Finally! Free Range Crackers!

- The elephant said, "I'll never forget this historic day". Then again, elephants don't forget ANYTHING. 

*****

A Massachusetts Golfer was arrested after he bit off the finger of another golfer during an argument on the links. 

- The man say he misses his finger, but is just grateful he didn't have his putter out at the time. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Over the weekend, Al Sharpton said Donald Trump should take a cue from Aretha Franklin and show Omarosa some "R-E-S-P-I-C-T". Yup. That's how Al spelled it. 

- Hey for a 63 year old I think Al is still pretty sharp, er...  S-H-I-R-P!

*****

A Catholic Nun stunned baseball fans when she threw a perfect pitch at the start of a Chicago White Sox game. 

- It was her special "Rap-On-Your-Knuckle Ball". 

*****

Archeologists in Egypt have discovered the World's Oldest Cheese. They say it's 3200 years old. 

- It was located on a cardboard container of Nachos at the Cairo 7-Eleven. 

*****

A Brothel in Nevada is offering Tiger Woods 75% off their "services" because they believe having sex is fueling his recent Golf comeback. 

- There's no mention of what specific "services" they're offering to Tiger at a discount.

- Think of it as a 75% off Grope-On. 

*****

Asia Argento, co-founder of the #MeToo movement and victim of Harvey Weinstein secretly paid an actor almost 400 Grand after HE accused HER of sexual assault. 

- Coming soon to social media near you... the #HeToo Movement. 

- Apparently, What was good for the Gander is not good for the Goose. 

*****

More and more people in California's Bay Area are identifying as "Asexual" - a term meaning they aren't sexually attracted to human beings.

- The first documented "Asexual" was Michael Moore's girlfriend.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

RIP... Aretha Franklin who died at 9:50 this morning at her home in Detroit at the age of 76... ironically on the 41st Anniversary of the death of Elvis Presley. The Queen of Soul passed away peacefully surrounded by her family after a lengthy battle with Pancreatic Cancer. During a career that spanned nearly 60 years, Aretha... who Rolling Stone once named the "Greatest Singer of All Time"... charted an astounding 73 hits on the Billboard Top 100. We'll "Say A Little Prayer" For You, Aretha - and for the loved ones you left behind.

*****

64 year old John Travolta and 69 year old Olivia Newton John showed off their old "Danny & Sandy" dance moves at the 40th Anniversary Party for the movie "Grease". 

- They also belted out a spirited person of "You're The One That I Want... But I've Fallen & I Can't Get Up". 

*****

Happy Birthday Madonna!!! The Material Girl turns the Big 6-0 today. 

- To mark the occasion, she'll use Champagne to wash down her daily dose of Penicillin. 

- At 60... the only "Material" she's interested in is super-absorbent and leak-proof. 

*****

According to a new report, so many Millennials have tattoos that employers are no longer using "exposed ink" as a reason to turn someone down for a job. 

- And here I was worried that my "Turn The Other Cheek" Tramp-Stamp would keep me from getting hired as a Greeter at Walmart!

*****

Kim Kardashian posted a topless photo of herself lying on a bed wearing barely-there bikini underwear.

- Put another way: It's Thursday.

*****

The FDA has approved, "Natural Cycles" the first-ever Birth Control App that basically uses the Rhythm Method to prevent pregnancy.

- We used the same method. Or as we call it today... "Daughter #6".

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick

Vermont voters nominated the nation's first Transgender Gubernatorial candidate in their Primary Tuesday. 

- Apparently, she's the whole Package. 

*****

They'll be some new items on the menu at Ford Field when the Lions play this fall... including Chocolate Cinnamon-Sugar Nachos topped with marshmallow cream and Nutella. 

- Apparently the goal is to get you so high on sugar you won't care if the Lions lose. 

*****

Couples who criticise each other and roll their eyes during disagreements have higher levels of inflammation which can lead to health problems including "Leaky Gut Syndrome".

- Wasn't "Leaky the Gut" one of the guys suspected of taking out Jimmy Hoffa? 

*****

Scientists say the Big Toe evolved so humans could walk upright and still have the dexterity to  climb trees. 

- And these days, it gives people who disagree politically better balance to kick the other person in the butt. 

- So basically, before the Big Toe... we were all Thumbs. 

*****

A music fan in Britain claims he was physically assaulted by the lead singer of a Punk Rock band after he booed the singer's anti-Trump comments. 

- I think the real story here is that a guy at a Punk Rock concert is called "a music fan". 

*****

An Economics Professor at the University of British Colombia claims sex robots could Improve marriages by eliminating the need for husbands and wives to argue about sex. 

- Thus the expression, "Not tonight dear... I have a robot!"

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

A Mississippi man, who claimed he was abducted by an Alien back in 1973 says he "had no neck with gray wrinkled skin".

- This man was obviously abducted by Harvey Weinstein.

*****

Two sisters in Connecticut - who were both Lunch Ladies at local schools - are accused of stealing almost a half Million dollars in student lunch money. 

- A Half-Mil... or as the Lunch Ladies called it "A Whole Lotta Tater Tots". 

- They were caught up in the great "Hairnet Dragnet" sweep of School Cafeterias. 

*****

Experts claim the "Dutch Diet" - which allows dairy and even pastries along with vegetables & fish - may be the key to weight loss and longevity. 

- Dollars to Donuts say this ain't gonna work. 

*****

New research shows Google keeps track of where you are - down to the square foot - even when you're NOT using GoogleMaps. 

- So your friends may not know you're texting them from a toilet, but Google does. 

*****

A last second glitch delayed NASA's historic mission to visit the Sun on Saturday.

- Dontcha hate it when you're leaving on vacation to catch some Sun and your flight is delayed? 

*****

Kanye West announced that he'd be interested in "Hooking Up" with one of wife Kim Kardashian's sisters. 

- His mother-in-law Kris Jenner immediately responded, "Not so fast! Wait until I get the camera crew!"

***** 

Thoughts and Prayers go out to the great Aretha Franklin and her family as she receives Hospice care in her home. 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

President Trump is being mocked on Social Media for sending out a tweet about "Text MASSAGES" instead of "Text messages". 

- Trump responded, "What's all the Covfefe about??? SAD!!!!!"

*****

A soapy Ohio man ran outside naked and rinsed in a Water Main Break after his H2O shut off mid-way through his shower. (See pic) 

- Thus the old adage, "When Life Hands You Lemons... Show Your Neighbors Your Privates". 

*****

A last second glitch delayed NASA's historic mission to visit the Sun on Saturday. 

- Dontcha hate it when you're leaving on vacation to catch some Sun and your flight is delayed? 

*****

A French theme park has trained cows to walk around and pick up trash. 

- And to make it like Cedar Point, all the cows wear an "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt. 

*****

A growing number of TV shows have inspired their own line of beers aimed at fans. 

- You haven't lived until you've a had an ice-cold "SpongeBob Beer Pants". 

- The same goes for shows in re-runs like "Barney Miller Lite" and "Ale in the Family". 

*****

More and more of the "Super Rich" are paying 100 grand to have their brains frozen when they die in the hopes of being brought back to life 200 years from now after the disease that killed them is cured.  

- I'm gonna save a ton of cash by getting Brain Freeze from a Slurpee at 7-Eleven. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Citing an effort to make the school more "inclusive", an Atlanta elementary school is not starting the day with the Pledge of Allegiance. Instead, students will recite the school's "Wolf Pack Chant". 

- Nothing says "I Love My Country" like "Eat 'em up! Eat 'em up! Go Wolves, Go!"

*****

A Florida woman who was high on meth was arrested after she stripped naked and ran around a park because she thought she was being chased by a giant spider. 

- My wife Gail would do that if she saw a regular size spider. 

*****

The Department of Homeland Security busted five people for trafficking $73 Million worth of counterfeit Air Jordans. 

- $73 Million? That works out to like 17 pairs!

- Their attorney said, "Don't judge them until you've walked a mile in their Fake Shoes". 

*****

Officials are trying to figure out how a woman's voice, speaking in Chinese, suddenly blared over the intercom at a National Weather Service office Wednesday saying "You have a package from Amazon at the Chinese Embassy. Press 1 for more details".

- Of course when you pick up a package at the Chinese Embassy you want to pick up another one an hour later.  

*****

CBS will begin filming a new dating show - "Love Island" - where contestants fly to a remote Island and have to "pair up" or face elimination. 

- It's a combination of Survivor, The Bachelor, and The Real Housewives of Boblo Island. 

- And by "pair up" they mean "have sex". 

*****

This Saturday, NASA will launch a probe that will travel almost 90 million miles over 7 years to visit the Sun. 

- The probe is covered in solar panels and Coppertone. 

*****

A survey found that, in terms of Caffeine, 7-Eleven coffee gives you the best bang for your buck. 

- Plus... there's always a day-old hot dog available to use as a stirrer for your cream and sugar. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Facebook says it "regrets" an algorithm mistake that caused balloons and confetti to appear in posts about a deadly earthquake in Indonesia.

- At this point Facebook apologizes more than Mel Gibson at a Bar Mitzvah. 

*****

An Amish man in Michigan has started an AMISH Uber service, using his horse and buggy to provide rides for $5.  

- It's just like Uber but instead of using your phone, you order by yelling into a Cheese Wheel. 

*****

O.J. Simpson was caught on tape telling fans at a Las Vegas restaurant that "Being a felon ain't all bad". 

- Read all about it in his new book: "If I Said It". 

*****

A carjacking woman is under arrest after she fled into a field, where a group of cows chased her down and led her straight to the police. 

- She's been charged with a Moo-ving Violation. 

- It may seem like an Udderly ridiculous story, but it's true. 

*****

An Oklahoma man was arrested after he was caught having sex with a pony in the middle of a field. 

- Find out more in the new movie: "Fifty Shades of Hay". 

- His wife was furious when she found out he was having an affair with his Secretariat. 

*****

A company called "The Fit" is now selling "The World's Smallest Condoms" for men who don't quite fill out the ones you normally find at the drug store. 

- It takes a big man to admit he needs a small condom.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

Employers say they are struggling with how to handle problematic tweets from their employees. 

- And that's just at the White House. 

*****

The LA Rams and New Orleans Saints will make NFL history this fall by including males on their cheerleading squads. 

- The guys will do the same moves as the girls, but they'll have smaller Pom-Poms. 

*****

Stormy Daniel's attorney is denying that he's ever had intimate contact with Stormy, saying "I've never had sexual relations with this woman". 

- Bill Clinton immediately accused him of Plagarism. 

The lawyer added that he thinks of Stormy as "a sister". 

- Or as Millennials call her "A Sister Who's Been With A Lot Of Misters". 

*****

A New Jersey woman thought she was paying for a struggling man’s cup of coffee at a gas station, but it turned out to be country music star Keith Urban - who is worth $75 million.

- Look for Keith's new song: "I Lost My Pick-Up Truck and My Dog... But I Got A FREE Cup Of Coffee!"

*****

Lady Gaga will perform 27 shows at the Park Hotel in Las Vegas this December. 

- She says she'll spend this Fall rehearsing and thawing out her costume. 

- She'll appear in a theater... and her meat dress will appear at the Midnight Buffet. 

*****

Two elderly German men wandered out of a nursing home and were found at a heavy metal festival. 

- The men said it was "just like Woodstock!" except this time, instead of LSD they took Lipitor. 

- Cops found the two men dancing to the Guns 'N Roses hit "Sweet GRANDchild 'O Mine". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

A Federal Judge has issued a temporary restraining order to stop the production of 3-D printed guns. 

- Printing guns?? I can't even print an email!

*****

As more cities ban disposable straws, there's a new problem: Counterfeit reusable straws.

- Don't feel bad if you get duped... There's a Sucker born every minute. 

*****

Kylie Jenner has been named the new face of Instagram. 

- She's also the new face of Kylie Jenner. 

*****

A growing number of British women are smearing toothpaste on their chests in order to increase their breast size. 

- Oh sure... it sounds fun, until somebody gets hurt Flossing. 

*****

Some clerics in Saudi Arabia say they're against the recent decision to allow women to drive because:  "driving could damage women’s ovaries" and "women possess only half a brain — and half of that is used for shopping". 

- Attention Saudi Clerics. The 6th Century called and they want their Medical Books back. 

*****

Two sets of 24-year-old identical twins in Michigan will get married in Grass Lake near Ann Arbor this weekend. 

Which reminds of a joke I heard years ago...

Q: Why did the Siamese Twins move to England? 

A: So the other one could drive! (No PC comments please!)

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick