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U.S. Rep. John Conyers has been accused of settling a sexual harassment suit brought by a woman who used to work for him, as well as having numerous affairs.  

- Hard to believe Conyers would even LOOK at another woman when he's got Monica at home waiting for him! 

*****

CBS and PBS have cut ties with Charlie Rose after allegations by 8 women that he sexually harassed them... including by walking around naked and making lewd phone calls. 

- So the bloom is off the Rose... because the pants were off the Rose. 

*****

Campaign records show that despite the teenage girl sex allegations against him, Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore raised $500,000 last week. 

- This is huge news for Roy since Prom Season will be here before we know it... and those tuxes aren't cheap! 

*****

Today President Trump will follow tradition and Pardon two turkeys in a Rose Garden Ceremony. 

- Kathy Griffin and Michael Moore are excited saying they haven't been to the White House since Obama was in office. 

*****

Fox News Host Judge Jeanine Pirro was ticketed in upstate NY for driving 119 in a 65mph zone.

- Or as CNN reported the story: "Fox News Anchor Caught With Speed". 

*****

Malia Obama was seen making out with a guy and smoking a cigarette at a Yale football game. 

- Michelle is said to be outraged, and vowed to get the school's name changed to "Kale". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

 

 

 

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A nearly unrecognizable 73-year-old Diana Ross shocked audiences with the bizarre get-up she wore to last night's American Music Awards. 

- This is what happens when you let Aretha Franklin pick out your hat.  

*****

Charles Manson died Sunday night of natural causes at the age of 83. 

- DON'T R.I.P. 

- As is fitting, Manson passed away surrounded by his Family. NOT. (They couldn't be there since they're all dead or in prison). 

*****

A second woman has come forward claiming that Al Franken grabbed her butt - this time when he was already a Senator. 

- Franklin refuses to resign saying, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!"

*****

Four more women have come forward accusing Bil Clinton of sexually assaulting them in the early 2000's.  In other D.C. news, the Secret Service arrested someone trying to climb over the WH fence this weekend. 

- So Bill won't stop jumping women, and Hillary won't stop trying to jump the fence to get into the Oval Office. 

*****

Starting today, kids who want to sit on Santa's Lap at Macy's in NYC can't just show up, they have to make an Appointment in advance. 

- On a bright note, kids can still bring their phones and take an Elfie with the big guy. 

*****

According to Good Housekeeping Mag, Black Friday isn't only the biggest shopping day of the year, it's also the busiest day for plumbers. 

- Well, first the turkey gets stuffed and then you do. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

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TRUE STORY:  The trend this year is to CHARGE family members you invite over for Thanksgiving about $30 per person. 

- Nothing says "Norman Rockwell Holiday" like asking Grandma to pass the gravy and 30 bucks at the same time. 

*****

New research shows that due to ongoing Political tensions among family members, Americans are spending about 30 minutes less time with relatives on Thanksgiving Day. 

- Remember the good old days when all we argued about was who got the Wishbone? 

- Kim Jong Un will be eating alone since he's killed all his relatives. 

*****

The three UCLA basketball players who faced ten years in prison for shoplifting in China are back in the U.S. and have thanked President Trump for getting them released. 

- It's a good thing they did... or they never would have heard the end of it on Trump's Twitter feed. 

*****

According to a new study by the Journal Academia, boys get better grades when their classes have more girls in them. 

- Well yeah... that's more girls to cheat off of. 

*****

The city of Denver announced plans to build a 200mph hyperloop that will run around town. 

- Well Bully for them, but we've got the People Mover! 

*****

Another actress has come forward accusing Harvey Weinstein of "pleasuring himself" in front of her. 

- It's beginning to look like we owe Anthony Weiner an apology.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

 

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People Magazine has named Country Superstar Blake Shelton their "Sexiest Man Alive of 2017".

- Once again, Kim Jong Un is robbed!

*****

Hackers in Britain are allegedly blackmailing the Royal Family over photographs they claim "prove" the Queen and her family have had plastic surgery. 

- The family is denying the claim saying "Have you taken a good look at Camilla lately???"

*****

A Harris poll found that 7 in 10 Americans would skip gift-giving for the holidays so they could spend money on activities with friends and family. 

- In Hollywood, the "activity" they want to spend cash on is "Hiring The Best Sexual Harassment Defense Attorney". 

*****

Alec Baldwin says President Trump deserves all the bashing people can throw at him. 

- Sounds like somebody's Saturday Night Live contract is up again. 

- Just an FYI... Alec is the guy who beats up people on the street and called his then 11 year old daughter a "rude, thoughtless little Pig". 

**********

Scientists say if you're trying to get someone to give you something, one of the best ways to do it is to give them something first. 

- The one exception is if the thing you give them is an STD.

*****

In his new book, singer Gene Simmons says that women aren't capable of having kids... and a career. 

- Well he can KISS his female fans goodbye. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

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Stove Top Stuffing has launched a pair of $20 unisex Thanksgiving Dinner Pants complete with a stuffing print stretchable belly waistband to allow for maximum Thanksgiving Dinner consumption. 

- They come in 3 sizes: Small, Medium and Michael Moore. 

*****

GQ Magazine has named Colin Kaepernick 2017's "Citizen of the Year". 

- Look for the issue next week at a News-Stand near you... or in this case, a "News Kneel". 

- In a related story, they named The Harvey Weinstein scandal "The Most Touching Story of the Year". 

*****

The world's first "Politically Motivated Hotel" will open in D.C. next year, designed to offer Liberals a "safe place" to stay with like-minded people and will even offer art supplies so guests can make protest signs. 

- Sleeping arrangements aren't very comfortable since the rooms only come with a Left side of the bed. 

- Repubs will stick with the Trump Hotel - or as some call it, "The Orange Roof Inn". 

*****

New guidelines have changed the threshold for High Blood Pressure from 140/90 to 130/80 - meaning 14% more Americans now have hypertension. 

- Doctors say patients should reduce salt intake, but more importantly, stop reading political rants on Facebook immediately. 

*****

Cryogenic scientists in Russia say they want to freeze people BEFORE before they die, so they have a better chance of bringing them back to life in the future. 

- Hey I grew up in Buffalo... being frozen when your alive is no news to me.

*****

A Dunkin Donuts worker is accused of selling heroin during his shifts.

- In honor of the Holidays, it was Pumpkin Spice heroin!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick  

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According to former DNC chair Donna Brazille's new book, Hillary Clinton personally came up with the idea of having protestors dress up as Donald Duck to disrupt Trump rallies. 

- It makes sense since Donald Duck and Bill Clinton are known for Not wearing pants.

*****

A year ago today, millions of Americans woke up to find that Donald Trump had beaten Hillary Clinton to win the Presidency. 

- But thankfully Hillary voters have gotten over it and moved on with their lives. (Yeah, right)

*****

The Palm Springs, Calif., City Council elected transgender and bisexual members on Tuesday making the entire council LGBT.

- Not one straight member? What happened to DIVERSITY??? 

*****

Former President Obama reported for Jury duty yesterday and was selected for a trial. 

- Just for fun, he's gonna find the defendant guilty and then pardon him. 

*****

Kevin Spacey has been edited out of the movie, "All The Money In The World" and a Carol Burnett Tribute Special - both of which were already filmed and ready for release. 

- "I'm so Glad We Had This Time Together" said NONE of Spacey's accusers. EVER. 

*****

Pope Francis chastised his weekly audience in St. Peter's Sq. for using their smartphones during his sermon, telling them to lift up their hearts and not their cell phones. 

- When some parishioners refused, an exasperated Pope said "Fine! Wait 'til your Heavenly Father gets home!"

*****

It's "National Carl Sagan Day"! 

Unfortunately, there are BILLIONS and BILLIONS of kids who are too young to remember who he was. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

 

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Archeologists discovered an ancient exercise gym in Egypt. 

- The gym's slogan was "Power Walk Like An Egyptian!"

- I knew they invented the Food Pyramid, but I had no idea they worked out! 

- In a related story, a "Yoga in Your Toga" studio was unearthed in Rome, where Marc Antony worked out so he could impress Cleopatra with his "Six Pack Asps".

***** 

Twitter has made a major change - expanding it's character limit from 140 to 280 per Tweet. 

- And just like that, Donald Trump's workload is doubled... SAD! 

*****

A Neilsen survey found that NFL ratings are down 25% versus this time a year ago. 

- So apparently it's the fans - and not just the refs - who aren't watching the games. 

*****

Harvard University is hosting "Sex Week" featuring lectures including "Kink 101" and "Broadening Your Porn Horizons". 

- For the first time in school history, students are begging for MORE homework.

*****

In a new ESPN documentary, world famous wrestler Ric Flair claims that he's slept with more than 10,000 women. 

- Being wrestling and all, I'm bettin' this story is "Fake Nudes". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

 

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It's official! Justin Verlander and Kate Upton tied the knot Saturday in Tuscany, Italy, just four days after the groom's World Series win. 

- Justin is said to be "over the Moon" and now has more rings than Saturn. 

- He may be an Astro... but Kate says he was still a Tiger on their Wedding Night. 

*****

Alec Baldwin announced that he is deleting his Twitter account... AGAIN... this time after facing backlash after he basically "blamed the victim" in the Harvey Weinstein sexual harassment scandal. 

- No more tweets from Alec??? Where are we supposed to get our news from now??? 

*****

Republican Sen. Rand Paul suffered five broken ribs while mowing his lawn after his anti-Trump neighbor attacked him from behind.  

- I would have thought he would have attacked him from the Left. 

*****

Anthony Weiner heads to prison today to begin serving his 21-month sentence for sexting with an underage girl.

- To borrow the Oscar Mayer song, everybody sing!  "Oh I'm glad I'm not that guy, Anthony Weiner. That is who I truly don't want to be... Cuz if I was that guy, Anthony Weiner... All the prisoners would be in love with me!"

*****

An expert with the American Society for Reproductive Medicine says men will be able to give birth to babies by the end of the year through "womb transplants". 

- I'm assuming their gonna have C-Sections or they're gonna have to have something else transplanted too. 

- So the next Baby Shower you attend might be at Hooters! 

*****

A study by Colombia University found that depression is on the rise among children. 

- Of course they're depressed. First Michele Obama took away their favorite foods, then the PC police took away their Halloween costumes. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

 

 

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Just two months after being traded from the Tigers to the Astros, Justin Verlander has a World Series Ring with Houston beating the Dodgers in Game 7 last night, 5-1. And now insiders say Justin and Supermodel girlfriend Kate Upton will get married later this week in Italy. 

- So it has been, and will continue to be, a "Bada Bing! Bada Boom!" kinda week for Justin. 

- He's a pitcher not a runner, but it's a safe bet he'll be running the bases during his honeymoon. 

*****

The CIA released over 100,000 personal documents found in Osama Bin Laden's secret compound including home movies... but not his Porn collection because of "Copyright issues". 

- So if you want to see "Debbie Does Dubai", or "Behind The Green Burka" you're gonna have to rent 'em. 

*****

For a limited time, KFC's in Japan are offering chicken-leg shaped bars of soap that will leave you smelling like The Colonel's 11 secret herbs and spices. 

- This is great news for people who have "Smelling like Fried Chicken" on their Bucket List. 

*****

In her new book, Democratic activist Donna Brazille claims that Hillary Clinton "Took control of the DNC a year before the election" and "Rigged the race against Bernie Sanders". 

- Don't tell me how it worked out. I haven't finished the book yet. 

*****

Two new studies found that people care more about dogs than they do their fellow humans, and would donate more to help a suffering pooch than a suffering man. 

- PETA says the results are "Spot On!" 

*****

A woman has accused Dustin Hoffman of groping her on a movie set back in the 80's. 

- It allegedly happened while she was auditioning for a "Tootsie" Role. 

*****

A new book claims that cereal maker John Kellogg thought sex was evil, never consumated his marriage,  and invented Corn Flakes because he thought they curbed sexual desire. 

- Sounds like Kellogg was a bit of a Fruit Loop.

- He also coined a phrase when he told his "sexually frustrated wife" to "Leggo my Eggo!"

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

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The FBI has been brought in to investigate a couple who were having sex in their seats during a Delta flight from LA to Detroit over the weekend. 

- Passengers who witnessed it, say they now have tons of "emotional baggage"... which of course Delta is going to charge them for. 

- The man's tray table wasn't the only thing in it's full and upright position. 

*****

The Dodgers 3-1 win over the Astros last night has forced a decisive Game 7 tonight. Verlander pitched well, but came up short and took the loss in what has been a crazy World Series.

- The only thing crazier would be if the Tigers were one of the teams playing. 

*****

Serious XM announced that it will feature 8 different Holiday Music Channels... from Traditional to Pop to Country, with two of them launching today. 

- Nothing will motivate you to get that pumpkin off your porch like listening to "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer". 

- The Country Christmas Channel will kick off it's programming with "I'll Be Home For Christmas... But My Ex Won't, Since She Ran Off With My Best Friend, My Pick Up Truck And My Dog". 

*****

The Senior VP of News at NPR has been put on leave after several women came forward with claims that he made unwanted advances and kissed them during job interviews. 

- But he said, "I'm no Harvey Weinstein... All Things Considered". 

*****

Meanwhile Harvey Weinstein told friends that he believes he was put on earth to be a "Martyr" and "Change the World" in regards to sexual harassment. 

- Harvey's not a "Martyr". He's a "Leper". 

*****

At a Halloween party over the weekend, Kim Kardashian dressed up as Cher with a friend dressed as Sonny Bono by her side. 

- Ironically, Cher dressed up like Kim, and a friend stood behind her dressed as Kim's butt. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

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President Trump and Melania hosted a Halloween party for kids at the White House last night. 

- They carved pumpkins with the kids and handed out the usual goodies, but only if the kids said, "Trick or TWEET". 

- Nobody's gonna show up at Robert Mueller's house tonight... the only thing he's handing out is Supoenas. 

- Meanwhile, Bill Clinton just finished carving his annual Jack-O-Intern. 

*****

Candystore.com released the names of the most and least popular Halloween candies. The fav? Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. The most disliked treat? Circus Peanuts. 

- FYI... Stop by the Purtan's tonight! Gail and I will be handing out our traditional ladles of piping hot Chunky Beef Soup! 

*****

Hillary Clinton told a crowd of supporters that she's going to dress up as "The President" for Halloween. 

- Let it go Hillary. Let it go.

*****

Netflix has cancelled the hugely popular series "House of Cards" after it's star Kevin Spacey was accused of sexually assaulting an underage actor. 

- He'll be joining the cast of "The Walking Dead". 

*****

A second model is now accusing magician David Blane of groping her. 

- Blane's attorney admitted that the magician pulled a rabbit out of his hat, but denied that he pulled anything out of his pants.

*****

Simon Cowell says that the fall he took down the stairs at his home last week was due to "low blood pressure". 

- One of his fellow judges said the "thud" Cowell made when he landed was "enthusiastic...but a little pitchy". 

*****

Have a Happy Halloween and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

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Tonight is Devil's Night! Or as Hillary Clinton calls it "Another Evening With Donald Trump as President".

*****

74-year-old Mick Jagger is reportedly "romancing" a 22-year-old film producer. 

- For example, Friday he showed up at her apartment with flowers and chocolate. The chocolate was actually Ex-Lax, but it's the thought that counts, right? 

*****

A study by the University of Connecticut found that people who smoke marijuana every day have 20% more sex.  

- No wonder Willie Nelson looks so tired all the time. 

*****

Chinese scientists believe that if Kim Jong Un explodes one more hydrogen bomb inside the mountain he uses to test them, it could destroy the mountain and leak radiation across the border. 

- Why can't Kim be like most 30-year-olds who live in their parents' basements playing video games??? 

*****

A driver has been banned from the Iditarod Dog Sled Race after several of his dogs tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. 

- Officials caught on when they overheard one of the dogs saying, "This is some good Shit Tzu". 

*****

A man who worked to repair homes damaged by Hurricane Harvey has contracted a flesh eating bacteria. 

- And hundreds of women who met with Harvey Weinstein have contracted an STD. 

*****

Have a great day... a BIG Happy Birthday to Daughter #3, Jill... and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

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Police in Maryland have posted a "Pumpkin Line-Up" pic of stolen Jack-o-Lanterns they recovered from thieves and are asking people to come forward to "Identify" their missing Pumpkins. 

- Huh?

- There hasn't been a pic of something so orange and rotund since the last shot of OJ in prison.

*****

Rosie O'Donnell says that she's not sure she'll "be able to survive" the rest of the Trump Presidency. 

- Relax Rosie. There were a lot of people who didn't think they were going to survive your time on "The View". 

*****

Two actresses have accused former President George H.W. Bush of touching their butts from his wheelchair while telling them his favorite magician is "David Cop-a-Feel". 

-He got the idea from Bill Clinton who used to tell actresses his favorite musical is "Fondler on the Roof". 

*****

Revelations that the Clintons and the DNC paid the Russians to collect dirt on Donald Trump have even some Hillary supporters saying she did exactly what she accused Trump of doing. 

-  Hillary said, "Oops... I guess I forgot to mention all that REALLY happened in my book 'What Happened'". 

*****

New security measures go into effect today for people flying to the United States, including a "brief conversation" with EACH PASSENGER about their luggage and itinerary. 

- And if you can't trust a Terrorist to tell you what's really in his Samsonite, who can you trust? 

*****

79-year-old Kenny Rogers says he's retiring from performing because he "can't do it like he used to anymore". 

- Kenny obviously knows when it's time to hold 'em, and when to fold 'em.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

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Turns out in addition to Palaces and Royal Jewels, Queen Elizabeth actually owns a McDonald's restaurant outside of London. 

- Poor Prince Charles. He doesn't even get to be The Burger King. 

*****

An investigation has begun after it was revealed that the Clinton Campaign and the DNC paid for the infamous "Anti-Trump Dossier" during the campaign. 

- I'm beginning to think Hillary and the Democrats don't care for Trump. 

*****

A protester threw a Russian flag at President Trump during his appearance at the Capitol yesterday. 

- It went right over his head since he was taking a knee during the Russian National Anthem. 

*****

Time Magazine has named Google the "Most Influential Website of All Time".

- Obviously they've never clicked on dickpurtan.com!

*****

On this day in 1936 a radio station in Berlin broadcast the first call-in request show, called "You Ask - We Play". 

- A Mr. A. Hitler made the first request: the "Let's Invade Poland Polka!"

*****

RIP Fats Domino who has died at the age of 89. Ain't That A Shame. :(

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

 

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Tonight is Game One of the World Series and word is, NONE of the Astros or Dodgers will take a knee during the National Anthem.

- In keeping with tradition, they will however, spit tobacco and scratch their groins. 

*****

Psychic Uri Geller says that he was brought in by the CIA to help with the JFK Assassination investigation and that he has held onto "shocking" info for more than 50 years.

- If he's such a great Psychic, wouldn't he have called the CIA BEFORE the assassination???

***** 

A study by the University of Beirut found that giving marijuana to fish will not reduce their stress levels. 

- Researchers said Pot still gave them the munchies but instead of Doritos they all wanted Goldfish. 

*****

A new report revealed that North Korea has been secretly manufacturing biological weapons. 

- Sounds like Kim Jong Un finally cracked open the "Chemistry Set for Jr. Scientists" that Dennis Rodman gave him for his birthday. 

*****

Hillary Clinton will be at Hill Auditorium in Ann Arbor tonight as part of the tour for her Election Memoir "What Happened". There are plenty of tickets still available. 

- When she found out it wasn't sold out, she was like, "What Happened?" 

*****

A Yahoo survey found that 74% of young adults prefer to communicate digitally. 

- They say it's quicker than actually "talking" and is known as "Instagram-ification". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

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The President of France broke out laughing when his Black Lab was caught on video peeing on the floor during an official meeting. 

- It could have been worse. It could have been a French Poo-dle. 

- In France, it's known as going "Oui Oui". 

*****

Hillary Clinton swore during a TV interview over the weekend calling President Trump's inauguration "Some weird S---".

- She had planned to swear AT the inauguration... Correction: she had planned to be SWORN IN at the inauguration. 

*****

Justin Timberlake, formerly lead singer of N'Sync, will headline the half-time show at Superbowl LII - his third time appearing at the Big Game. 

- At this rate, the only chance the Lions have of appearing in a Super Bowl is if they become a Boy Band. 

*****

Arby's sold sandwiches stacked with deer meat for one day only on Saturday. 

- They were a buck a piece. 

*****

The World Series is set with the Los Angeles Dodgers taking on the Houston Astros. 

- It's fitting since both cities have been hit hard this year by an event called "Harvey". 

*****

Harvey Weinstein announced that he's leaving Sex Rehab but will continue working with doctors. 

- Translation: He will continue PLAYING Doctor with as many Nurses as he can get his hands on.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

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OJ Simpson reportedly lost more than 100 pounds during his last two years in prison. 

- He says he didn't mean to lose the weight, but claims Mark Furman planted "Nutrisystem Belly Bloat Buster Shakes" in the prison yard. 

- OJ said it was hard to stick to the diet but "If the Pant's Don't Fit, You Must Commit!"

*****

California is holding it's second "Great ShakeOut" Earthquake Survival Drill today where residents are urged to "drop, cover and hold".

- As opposed to the drill Harvey Weinstein used to conduct by forcing women to "drop, UNcover and hold". 

*****

Twitter blew up yesterday with rumors that Melania Trump is being replaced by a "Body Double" at public appearances. 

- As opposed to Chris Christie, who appears as a "Double Body" every day. 

*****

Arby's will be serving deer meat sandwiches this Saturday for one day only. 

- Arby's... "They Have The Bambi!"

*****

After 18 years and 450 shows, Elton John announced that he's ending his Las Vegas residency in 2018. 

- When asked if he'll be back, the Rocket Man said, "I think it's gonna be a long long time til touchdown brings me round again to Vegas". 

*****

Northern Michigan University in Marquette is offering a Degree in "Marijuana Studies". 

- Students have been High-Fiving each other ever since the news broke. 

- It's great for kids who want to go on to Grad School and Get their LsD. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

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Tim Horton's is now selling a Buffalo Spice Latte that's made with Espresso and Wing Sauce. 

- It's a great way to wash down their Boneless Chicken Donuts. 

*****

The FBI has confirmed that former director James Comey drafted a letter exonerating Hillary Clinton in the email scandal months before dozens of witnesses - including Hillary - had even testified. 

- The technical term for Comey's actions is "Premature Exoneration". 

*****

Party City is under fire for selling a Halloween Costume that represents Prez Trump's Mexican "Border Wall". 

- On the bright side, the costume is FREE! Trump vows that Mexico will pay for it! 

*****

An elementary school in Boston has canceled the annual Halloween Costume Parade because it's "Not inclusive of all students" and "Politically Incorrect".  

- How can a parade, where you get to dress up like ANYBODY, NOT be inclusive??? 

- Why can't they just be honest and admit the teachers are afraid of clowns? 

*****

A thief posing as a bike messenger stole $58,000 from an Apple Store in New York City. 

- When he gets out of the slammer, he's already got a job waiting for him at the "Genius Bar". 

*****

A new study shows that men who exercise more than 7.5 hours a week actually INCREASE their risk of dying from heart disease. 

- If this is true, Michael Moore is gonna live forever. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

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The Clinton Foundation announced that they will NOT return the $250,000 contribution they received from disgraced sexual predator Harvey Weinstein claiming the money has already been spent on "good causes". 

- Translation: Bill is a BIG tipper everytime he goes to Hooters. 

*****

Colin Kaepernick is suing all 32 NFL team owners, claiming they have "colluded" to keep him from getting a job because of his National Anthem Protests. 

- Talk about a "Knee Jerk" reaction. 

*****

A study by the Department of Health found that a record 40% of Americans are now obese. 

- So that's the skinny on that. 

*****

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz says he's considering running for President because the country is going through a "Significant Crucible". 

- And nothing can get you through a "Significant Crucible" like an Iced-Half-Caf-Pumpkin-Spice-Latte. 

*****

Harvey Weinstein's wife, who announced that she was leaving last week, has reached out to Anthony Weiner's wife Huma Abedin for help. 

- Meanwhile Harvey "reached out" to grope one of the flight attendants on the plane he took to rehab in Arizona. 

*****

A computer virus is affecting millions of users of the world's most popular porn site, Porn Hub. 

- But unlike the actors in the video, the computers can't be treated with antibiotics. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

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The President of Turkmenistan gave Vladimir Putin a puppy for his 65th Birthday. 

- It's an adorable little KGBeagle. 

*****

After his impromtu Anti-Trump rap on the Hip Hop Awards Tuesday night, fans are urging Eminem to run against Kid Rock for the US Senate seat held by Debbie Stabenow.  

- Eminem's campaign slogan would reportedly be "&^$@*&^ Change You Can #$@*&%^ Believe In". 

*****

The Boy Scouts of America announced that they will start allowing girls to join their troops.  

- I'm serious. On my honor! 

- Only a few girls have signed up so far, but the boys are really hoping for S'more. 

*****

When asked if she'd give back the campaign donations she got from disgraced Movie Mogul Harvey Weinstein, Hillary Clinton said she would "donate the money to charity". 

- And just like that "The Clinton Foundation" comes into another boatload of cash. 

*****

Alec Baldwin threw his Big Gulp on the street and tried to get a man to get out of his car and fight him in NYC yesterday after the man's driving apparently annoyed him. 

- I can't wait to see the skit about it on Saturday Night Live!  (Yeah, right!)

*****

Researchers say that most men find "Bromances" - their close friendships with male friends - more emotionally satisfying than the relationships with their wives or girlfriends. 

- But when they fight, the make-up sex is really awkward. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick

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