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For those of you who said you enjoyed the Official Wedding Photo of the Royal Family but thought someone was missing... here's an updated pic. (The kid's Official Title is "Duke Duke Duke Duke of Earl Earl Earl. Duke of Earl. Duke Duke. Duke of Earl"). 

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Queen Elizabeth has sent her Private Assistant Secretary to Meghan Markle for 6 months... "to teach her how to be a Royal". 

- Things like how to do "The Wave" at Cricket games.

*****

Caitlyn Jenner says "It's very tough to maintain a relationship with all her children" because "they've all moved on". 

- Basically they've cut Caitlyn off... then again, that's what Bruce did to himself to become Caitlyn in the first place. 

*****

Robert De Niro, who has called President Trump "an F--ing Fool", says he wouldn't allow the Commander in Chief into any of his "Nobu" restaurants. 

- Trump responded on social media, demanding "You Tweetin' to me? You Tweetin' to ME???" 

*****  

Scientists at Syracuse University says research shows that people we meet use our first name to judge everything from our personality to our performance at work.

- For obvious reasons, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my Mom & Dad. NOT. 

*****

The NFL says Players who kneel during the National Anthem next season will be fined... but gave them the option of staying in the locker room until the singing is over. 

- Except for the Lions who may as well stay in the locker room until the GAME is over. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

 

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The new 17 foot sculpture in front of Campus Martius named "Waiting" that is supposed to represent the spirit of the "New Detroit" is being met with decidedly mixed reviews. (Personally, I think they should have named it "Ri-DICK-ulous"). 

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A group of 10 McDonald's workers have filed sexual harassment claims against the company.  

- Apparently "Hold the Pickle" is okay over at Burger King... but at McDonalds, not so much. 

*****

This afternoon, the Mayor of West Hollywood will present Stormy Daniels with a Key to the City for her leadership in the #RESIST movement, and have proclaimed today, "Stormy Daniels Day". 

- Nothing says "WOMEN ARE NOT OBJECTS!" like giving a Porn Star her own holiday.

*****

Meghan Markle's dad is continuing his "Cardio Rehab" following heart surgery. Just days after downing a Frappachino, he was photographed chowing down at a Chinese restaurant. 

- I love Chinese food! Especially the Sweet, Sour & Sodium Sauce! 

- Mr. Markle reportedly dined on "General's Tso's Nitroglycerin Chicken".

*****

A new study predicts that almost 25% of the world's population will be "severely obese" by 2045. 

- By my observations we're gonna get there by August.  

*****

A 7th Grade Science Teacher in Pittsburgh is in trouble after teaching his class about Oral Sex and having them look up pix on their phones "because school computers would block the images". 

- Remember the days when the most exciting thing you did in Science Class was making a volcano erupt with vinegar and baking soda? 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

 

 

 

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After welcoming Girls & changing their name to "Scouts BSA", "The Boy Scouts" reportedly announced that alcohol and condoms must be available at the upcoming World Scout Jamboree.  

- Organizers say they'll have plenty of condoms, so if the Scouts run out, they can just ask for S'more. 

- Up next? "The Bill Cosby Drug-Your-Date Merit Badge"??? 

*****

Starbucks also has a new policy:  Non-paying customers can "hang out" and use the bathrooms, but using drugs and smoking is not okay. 

- So... Starbucks has the same rules my Mom had when I was in high school. 

*****

Meghan Markle's father was released from the hospital after missing her wedding due to heart surgery and headed straight to Starbucks where he was photographed holding a "Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino" - packing 540 calories. 

- At this rate, he's not going to around for her 1st Anniversary Party either.  

- That must be the new Medical protocol these days: Have heart surgery followed immediately by a Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino. 

*****

Hillary Clinton wore a Russian hat during her commencement speech at Yale University and joked "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em". 

- If that's what she said, she should have worn a "Make America Great Again" hat.   

*****

Despite doing two cartwheels and scoring a Perfect 30 on her freestyle dance last night, Tonya Harding failed to win the Mirror Ball Trophy on "Dancing With The Stars". 

- When the announcement came, Tonya fell to her knees crying "Why NOT me??? Why NOT now???"

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

 

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Welcome to Monday and a special Post-Royal-Wedding Podcast! If you're like me, you set your alarm for the crack of dawn Saturday, baked up a fresh batch of crumpets and settled in with a cup of Earl Grey and a pallet of tissues to watch Harry and Meghan Tie the Knot. NOT!!! But Jackie did! She joined me at the Purtan Family Dining Room Table just a few hours after the Happy Couple said their "I Wills" to dish all the details - and try to explain to me why this "event" was so worth losing sleep over. From the Queen to the Clooney's to the all important DRESS...  she's got estrogen-laced castle to castle coverage. Plus we'll tell why a one-month-old boy stands a better chance of becoming King than the newly minted Groom does! (The baby's already spoken his first words... "It's GOOD to be the KING!!!")

So give a Royal Wave goodbye to whatever you're doing... and take a few minutes to join us for Podcast #228. You'll be bloody gobsmacked, mate! 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

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Looking for a unique way to celebrate Prince Harry & Meghan Markle's wedding? Pick up some condoms called "The Royal Jewels"... which play "God Save the Queen" and "The Star-Spangled Banner".

- The best part? One Size Fits All... Scepters.  

- Speaking of sex... I sure hope Prince Charles has had "The Talk" with Harry. 

*****

Sir Elton John will perform at the Nuptials on Saturday. 

- In honor of Meghan's crazy not-invited relatives... he'll perform "Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting". 

*****

Disney announced that they will begin serving alcohol at ALL of it's theme park restaurants. 

- If you don't think it's the Greatest Place on Earth when you first get there, you will after a few "Mickey Mouse Martinis". 

- In a related story, Bill Cosby insists he never gave one of his "special drinks" to Sleeping Beauty. 

*****

A Silverback Gorilla at a Dutch Zoo was caught by a photographer flipping the bird to a group of onlookers - including kids. 

- One of the kids said, "Hey Dad! That Gorilla just did the same thing you always do when we're driving!" 

***** 

Happy 1st Birthday to the Mueller Investigation into anything involving President Trump and Russian Collusion! 

- Like most 1 year olds... Investigators are still crawling around babbling things no one can understand. 

*****

The CEO of Bumble Bee is the latest packaged seafood exec to be indicted on charges of "Fixing Tuna Prices". 

- Sorry, Charlie! 

- As the old saying goes... "You can Tune a Piano, but you Can't Tune the Prices of Canned Fish". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick

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I hate to break your heart... but the NY Post has confirmed that the Spice Girls WILL NOT be reuniting for a performance at the Royal Wedding. 

- I haven't been this disappointed since "Toots Dentino and his Hot Diggity Dogs" backed out of their gig at my Dad's wedding to my Step-Mother.  

*****

The Judge in the Bill Cosby case says the 80 year old, who's facing a likely 10 years behind bars, will be sentenced in September.  

- Bill's so nervous that, unlike his dates, he's barely getting any sleep. 

*****

Kim Jong Un is threatening to cancel his upcoming summit with President Trump because of joint military exercises between the US and S. Korea which KJU says are "Practice for an Invasion". 

- And Lil Kim's waistline make it look like HE's practicing for an EXPLOSION.

*****

Gayle King told Vanity Fair magazine that her best friend Oprah Winfrey smokes a little marijuana every now and again. 

- I knew it! She WAS high when she gave everyone in her audience a new car! 

*****

A Russian woman purported to be the oldest living person ever at 128 says she hasn't lived a single happy day in her life and her longevity is "a punishment from God".

- Lucky for her, people who are named "The Oldest Person Alive" usually die a week later, so hang on, it's almost over. 

*****

No matter what year you were born, you may be part of the "Indoor Generation"... the name scientists are giving to the nearly 25% of Americans who spend 21 to 24 hours EVERY DAY indoors. 

- There's another name for them: "Convicts". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

 

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Tonya Harding advanced to the "DWTS" finale last night saying "I've been knocked down and now I've been picked back up!"

- The same thing happened to Nancy Kerrigan... but she needed help with the getting "picked back up" part.  

*****

During a service this morning, Pope Francis admitted that he has thought about hanging up his hat and retiring.

- And that's gonna be ONE BIG HAT. 

*****

With the Nuptials just 4 days away, Meghan Markle's father announced that he won't walk her down the aisle because he had a heart attack last week. 

- He had the heart attack when somebody told him, as Father-of-the-Bride, he had to pay for the Royal Wedding.

*****

Bernie Sanders son Levi, a Democrat, says that Hillary Clinton hurt voters self-esteem, but President Trump has done "an incredible job" of making voters feel good about themselves. 

- Even Stormy Daniels admits that Trump made her feel "like the only Porn Star in the room!"

*****

The NYPD arrested a woman on Saturday after finding a stolen $30,000 Rolex in her panties. 

- This gives a whole new meaning to "Sexy Time". 

*****

A Reproductive Scientist from China says that thanks to new technology it will soon be commonplace for 60 year old women to have babies. 

- They already have them... they're called "Grandchildren". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

 

 

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President Trump recorded a special video to celebrate all the Mother's and Grandmother's in the country yesterday. 

- He also gave a shout out to "the biggest Mother of them all... James Comey". 

- And he gave a special Mother's Day gift to first Lady Melania... a new TV for HER bedroom! 

*****

Scientists in Germany are working on creating tiny, Neanderthal-sized brains. 

- The idea came up while researchers were watching "The View". 

*****

A survey by the Social Security Administration found that “Melania” is one of the five fastest growing baby names in the country, moving up 720 spaces in the past year. 

- That's nothing compared to "Stormy". 

*****

The Lifetime movie about Prince Harry and Meghan Markle which aired last night is getting panned on social media, with people saying it was "Cheesy" and "Way Over The Top". 

- In other words, it was a LIFETIME MOVIE. 

*****

Crocs, the ugly foam shoes that Vogue magazine once called "the secret shameful shoe" are making a huge comeback. 

- Now... if we can just bring back Fanny Packs and Mullet haircuts... the crowd at Cedar Point is about to get a lot better looking!  

*****

North Korea released a detailed plan to close it's Nuclear Test Site ahead of Kim Jong Un's meeting with President Trump. 

- So, basically, Mr. Un spent a ton of money on a Nuclear Program that he never used... Just like his gym membership. 

*****

Congrats to my friend and fellow Detroiter, Tim Allen on his show "Last Man Standing" finally being renewed!  Although highly rated, it was cancelled by ABC last year... but will be back in the Fall on the Fox TV Network! (In Detroit, that's Channel 2). 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

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QUOTE OF THE DAY: Kim Kardashian said that shopping all the time isn't fulfilling anymore and that she'd like to "save someone's life... like once a year". 

- I would say her head is in her you-know-what, but that would require one heckuva big brain to match her one heckuva big butt. 

*****

During a Mass this week, Pope Francis called the Devil "a Loser". 

- I give it five minutes before people on social media start accusing the Pontiff of "Bullying Satan". 

*****

Town & Country magazine apologized to Monica Lewinsky after they UNINVITED her from an event about social change, after Bill Clinton RSVP-ed that he would be attending. 

- Bill said he had no idea she'd been invited saying "I did not have social expectations... with that woman... Monica Lewinsky". 

*****

President Trump was on the tarmac at 2am this morning to shake hands with 3 Americans released from North Korea by Kim Jong Un when they touched down on American soil. 

- It was nice for Trump to have another reason to get up in the middle of the night than just to Tweet.  

*****

Speaking of Trump's hands and Lil Kim... Happy "National Shrimp Day!" 

*****

An Amish man in Ohio was arrested for drunk driving after he blew his horse-drawn-buggy through a stop sign and admitted having downed 10 beers. 

- Horse-drawn-buggy crime is on the rise... that according to a Gallop poll. (Sorry!) 

*****

Police in Asheville, N.C., have arrested a 38-year-old man for running through a Waffle House,  McDonald’s, Buffalo Wild Wings and a Taco Bell... naked . 

- The cops were finally able to nab him when he dropped his Chalupa. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

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One year ago today President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. 

- Really? Gee, I haven't heard much about this whole thing!!!!!

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Congratulations! A man in Wisconsin reached his goal today, of eating 30,000 Big Macs. 

- For those of you keeping track, that's "60 thousand all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles & onions on 30 thousand sesame seed buns". Pardon me... those were his cholesterol numbers. 

*****

An internal investigation by NBC of NBC found no evidence of a "culture of sexual harassment" at the network and claims that NO ONE in management knew of Matt Lauer's ongoing offenses before the story broke.  

- They should have put Dateline NBC on the case.

*****

Hillary Clinton recently told a crowd that she thought about leaving the United States after Trump won the election. 

- Bill even volunteered to drive her to the airport. 

*****

A new study found that Netflix is killing couple's sex lives because they're watching TV in bed instead of doing the "Horizontal Mambo". 

- There's even a new Netflix show about it called "Orange Is The New Black Nightie".

*****

Former Sex and the City star turned Gubernatorial Candidate Cynthia Nixon says she wants to give marijuana licenses to black communities as a form of reparations. 

- Just what this country needs... More drugged out people! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

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A new study shows that average Americans work about 200 more hours a year than Medieval Peasants did back in the 13th Century. 

- I guess the Medieval bosses were a lot stricter about employees wasting time on the Internet. 

- In fact they had signs posted reading "NO SERF-ing THE WEB!"

*****

Tonya Harding narrowly survived elimination on last night's episode of Dancing With The Stars. 

- Good news for Tonya... GREAT news for her opponents' kneecaps.  

*****

Adele is taking heat on social media for throwing herself a Titanic movie themed 30th Birthday party. 

- And just like that her "Hamburgers on The Hindenburg" BBQ planned for this weekend was cancelled.  

*****

Democrat NY Attorney General Eric Schneiderman - a vocal supporter of the #MeToo Movement - resigned just 3 hours after 4 women accused him of slapping and choking them during sex. He calls it "role-playing". 

- On the bright side, he's already signed a book deal for a series called "Fifty Spanks By Schneiderman". 

- If the charges pan out, he'll be arrested and handcuffed. Which he'll probably enjoy. 

*****

Facebook is being accused of introducing ISIS members to each other through it's "suggested friends" feature which matches users who have "Liked" similar posts. 

- You know... stuff like "Suicide Vests For Dummies".  

*****

Singer Rhianna is taking heat for showing up at the annual Met Gala in New York dressed up as "A Sexy Version of the Pope". 

- Chris Brown says he had planned on wearing the same outfit, but Rhianna "beat him to the punch". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

 

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Welcome to Monday and a very special Podcast! Today Jackie and I sit down around the Purtan Dining Room Table to celebrate the Mother of all Holidays... Mother's Day... coming up next Sunday! We'll tell you how our 6 girls turned the traditional M.D. Breakfast-in-Bed into an epic event complete with handmade menus (only Jackie could make an Eggo doused in Mrs. Butterworth's sound like a French creation from Julia Child) and the obstacle course that the girls had to go through to deliver the meal. Plus, how long it took Mom's 50 years ago to prepare family meals each day - compared to today. (God bless the microwave!) Also, at the risk of being accused of Okra-Shaming, I'll let you in on a little secret involving frozen foods and "ugly vegetables". And with Father's day coming up next month, I'll tell you about a great gift... the new "Hybrid" pants for men that can go from backyard BBQ to a night on the town on the fly (so to speak). Why bring up Father's Day Gifts you ask? Well, remember, "If It Wasn't For Your Father Would Your Mother Be Your Mother? So Remember Dad on Mother's Day!" 

Have a great Monday, check out Podcast #227, and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

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Team Trump member Rudy Giuliani shocked just about everyone when he admitted that Trump gave his attorney the "hush money" paid to Stormy Daniels, but that it DID NOT come out of campaign funds. 

- Apparently the money came from Trump's "Make American Porn Stars Keep Quiet" baseball cap budget. 

*****

"Son of Bigfoot" opens at theaters tonight. 

- I didn't realize that Bigfoot Sr. was a ladies man... but you know what they say about having Bigfeet. 

*****

Now that the Boy Scouts — the program for 11- to 17-year-olds — is allowing girls to join, they're changing their name to "Scouts BSA". 

- Put a few 15 year old "Boys" and "Girls" in a tent together on a camping trip and soon they'll be changing the name to "Scouts DNA". 

*****

Researchers claim that baby corn plants "talk to each other" through their roots, encouraging each other to grow. 

- Not surprising, really, considering corn plants are all ears. 

*****

A study out of the University of Michigan found that 40% of those aged between 65 and 80 report being sexually active, and the number goes up to 50% for those with partners. 

- The good news here is if you DON'T have a partner... you can get 10% off on an "escort" with your AARP discount! 

- This gives a whole new meaning to the "Early Bird Special". 

*****

Bill Cosby's 74 year old wife Camille is calling for a criminal investigation into the prosecutor behind his sexual assault conviction, saying the case was 'mob justice' and a 'tragedy' that must be undone.

- If Tammy Wynette was still alive, even SHE would be saying, "Enough with the Stand By Your Man!" 

- Meanwhile, Bill is trying to trademark the name of his signature cocktail - a glass of wine and a quaalude under the name "Cos-by-mopolitan". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

 

 

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Today is "Brothers & Sisters Day!" We used to celebrate that at our house... but then we realized we had plenty of sisters but no brothers. 

*****

The NY Times has leaked a whole bunch of questions they claim will be asked by Robert Mueller of Donald Trump during the Russian Investigation. 

- Including "What kind of hair dye do you use??" 

*****

A pastor of a San Francisco Episcopal Church says that he will not apologize for having a "Beyonce Themed Service" this past weekend. 

- Apparently the pastor got confused when he realized Jesus had 12 followers and Beyonce has over 200 million.

*****

On this date in 1536 Anne Boleyn was ordered to the Tower of London by her husband King Henry VIII.

- If she wasn't head over heels for him before... she was about to be. 

*****

French President Emmanuel Macron outraged women after thanking the Prime Minister of Australia and his "delicious wife" for inviting him to their country. 

- Even the female Kangaroos are hoppin' mad. 

*****

Prince William finally signed the official Birth Certificate for his week-old baby son, Prince Louis Arthur Charles. 

- Apparently it took Maury Povich a few days longer than expected to get the DNA test back. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

 

 

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A woman who was photographed picking cabbages on her family farm in Spain is being hailed as "Donald Trump's Twin" after the pic of her holding a hoe went viral. 

- The woman may look like Trump, but the hoe in the pic looks nothing like Stormy Daniels. 

*****

A movement is underway to end the annual "White House Correspondents Dinner" after this year's host Michelle Wolf's vicious monologue including a joke about abortions. 

- I think they should keep the dinner and just go with someone with more class... like say, Kathy Griffin. 

*****

The upcoming meeting between Prez Trump and Kim Jong Un may take place in the DMZ between North and South Koreas. 

- Insiders say Lil Kim is "bummed" because he was hoping the summit would be held at Chuck E. Cheese. 

*****

The Egyptian government is considering passing a law that would jail "unauthorized meteorologists" from putting out "Fake Weather" reports. 

- No offense to meteorologists... but don't MOST of their reports turn out to be fake?? 

*****

A member of Snoop Dogg's entourage has called on members of the Crips gang to "F*** Up" Kanye West after Kanye came out as a fan of Prez Trump. 

- Kanye's wife Kim Kardashian is asking the Crips to "turn the other cheek"... of course the last time SHE did that, she took out four photographers. 

*****

The latest educational trend sweeping the country is “nature preschools,” also referred to as “forest kindergartens,” where kids spend school days roaming around outside. 

- We had a similar thing when I was growing up... it was called "Recess". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

 

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Welcome to the last day of April... and our very first Podcast since February! This go-around, Jackie and I sit down around the Purtan Family Dining Room Table (aka "Podcast Central") to talk about all kinds of things from Bill Cosby going to Jail to JoAnne going to 104.3 WOMC to do the morning show with Stephen Clark. We also share stories about my late friend and frequent Podcast guest, Tom DeLisle. I can't thank you enough for your condolences, kind thoughts and the memories you shared on my post about Tom... it meant the world to me, and if there's an Internet in Heaven, I know Tom appreciated them as well! 

You can hear it now... plus more... in Podcast #226. Just click on the black bar below! 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

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I lost a good friend this week. And Detroit, and beyond, lost one of the most gifted writers and conversationalists, I have ever known. Tom DeLisle, the man who wrote for my radio show for years, and graced the Purtan Dining Room Table to appear as my favorite guest (and the audiences) on so many of my Podcasts, died early Tuesday morning at the age of 71. 

Tom was what they call a "Renaissance Man"... excelling at whatever he chose to do. At the age of 20 he won a Pulitzer Prize in Journalism as part of the Free Press team that covered the riots of 1968. In 1982, he took home an Emmy for co-writing and producing my hour long television show, "The Dick Purtan Comedy Special". Whether the subject was deadly serious, or seriously funny, Tom nailed it with the written word. 

Even Hollywood took notice. Tom, who often referred to himself as "bystander to the stars" spent much of the 80's in Hollywood writing scores of monologues for the "Tonight Show" and many other popular TV programs, including the short-lived "Tony Orlando Show"... He quit because he "couldn't stand talking to Tony". (Thereafter, I referred to the incident as "Tony Orlando and YAWN".) While he was writing for the "Jim Nabors Show", he coerced my wife Gail into appearing on camera as the shows "announcer". We still have it on tape (Beta!) and it's priceless. 

He also spent time occasionally with the Kennedy family at their Compound in Hyannis Port.  His stories were fantastic... including the one about the time he stole a monogrammed towel, because "How could I NOT???"

Tom's almost encyclopedic knowledge of University of Michigan Football, the Tigers, Lions and Red Wings was astounding. He was even chosen by the legendary #9, Gordie himself, to author the 2004 book, "And... Howe!" (The stories that didn't make the book are even more interesting, trust me!) The two met when Tom and Gordie used to play on my "Dick Purtan No Stars" Charity hockey team. (That's right... Gordie played on MY team! How many people can say that??) 

Some of you might remember a feature we did on my radio show called "The Whoa Boys". Pure Tom. As was the spin-off, "The Whoa Kids" which featured my daughters playing the younger version of the "cowboys" (Tom, Tom Ryan & myself). I'll never forget the grin on Tom's face while he watched my daughter Jackie bribe her four-year-old sister Julie to say her "lines" with promises of a piece of candy when we recorded on countless Saturday mornings. 

Then there was the time Tom and I were a bit "over served" at a Michigan football game and, while attempting to find Jackie in her dorm room on the 5th floor, Tom wandered into a shower stall in the men's room one floor away. Somehow he got tangled up in the plastic shower curtain and had to be "rescued" by one of Jackie's friends. Needless to say, after a few hours and some strong coffee (mine was actually decaf!), we laughed all the way home. 

In the years since I retired back in 2010, Tom and I spent time not only on the Podcasts, but on the phone. Hours and hours on the phone. (And I'm not a phone guy... just ask my girls who kid me about my habit of saying "Hi... here's your mother" when they call). But Tom was just so INTERESTING. There would be an article he'd read, a documentary he'd watched or just his thoughts on politics or showbiz... or life in general. His take on things was always measured, thoughtful, insightful and damn hilarious. 

Tom left behind his wife Ruthie and scores of friends who miss him dearly already. Me among them. 

Thanks for everything Tom...

-Dick 

 

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A pic of a Detroit Tigers' fan who goes by "Chewbacca" and attends every home game SHIRTLESS, despite the weather. has gone viral. Meanwhile about 100 people were on hand at a strip club on 8 Mile last night when Stormy Daniels finally performed, dancing to "Abracadabra" by Steve Miller. 

- Between a pic of Chewbacca shirtless, or one of Stormy shirtless, the Editorial Board of @dickpurtan.com went with Chewbacca. Sorry, guys!

*****

Stormy claims that she'll donate her settlement money in the Trump case to Planned Parenthood. 

- And you can take that to the bank! Just like she will. 

*****

President Trump says he's willing to walk out of his upcoming meeting with North Korea's Kim Jong Un if it isn't "fruitful". 

- One look at "Lil Kim's" waist and we know for sure one thing won't be "fruitful"... the lunch buffet. 

*****

According to new research, the average American utters their first curse word of the day at 10:54am... but 1 in 4 let one loose by 9am. 

- WTH???

*****

An AP High School student in Minnesota is demanding action after being forced to use a classroom textbook that describes President Trump as "mentally unstable". 

- In a related story, some elementary schools are now making kindergartners read "One Fish, Two Fish. Red State. Blue State" and "How The Grinch Stole The Election". 

*****

As Bill Cosby's second sexual harassment trial continues, "America's Favorite Dad" not only claims he "doesn't like sex", he denies having a prescription for Viagra. 

- But he does have two bathtubs on his front lawn so I wouldn't rule out a prescription for Cialis. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

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RIP... Barbara Bush, the Former First Lady has died at the age of 92. Known for her grace, kindness and class, she was only the second woman in history to be both the wife of a US President, George H. W. Bush, and the mother of another, George W. Bush. (The first was Abigail Adams). Born Barbara Pierce, she met her future husband at a Christmas Dance when she was just 16. They married in 1945. As First Lady, she championed Literacy and Depression Awareness. The woman known as "America's Grandma" will be buried this Saturday on the grounds of her husband's Presidential Library - next to the daughter, Robin, she and George lost to Leukemia at the age of 3 in 1953. 

*****

Bill Cosby offered up an interesting defense in his sexual harassment trial, claiming he didn't have sex with his accusers because he "doesn't like sex" - he "only likes petting". 

- I'm sure his future cell mate will take that into consideration if he ends up in the slammer. 

*****

Stormy Daniels unveiled a sketch of the man she says threatened her to keep quiet about her alleged encounter with Prez Trump... but many on social media pointed out that the man looks just like her porn star husband. 

- As the old saying goes "So many men... so little time to remember what their faces look like". 

*****

After a slew of bad publicity, Starbucks will close all 8000 of it's locations on the afternoon of May 29th in order to put it's employee's through a "racial bias education day". 

- While baristas are learning about bias, Starbucks customers will realize they can go somewhere else and get a cup of coffee for 8 bucks cheaper. 

*****

A man was arrested at the scene of a five car accident in Westland Tuesday night after he got out of his truck, stripped naked and started dancing in the street.

- Hey... as Martha Reeves told us in her song "Dancin' In The Street"... "It doesn't matter what you wear, Just as long as you are there!"

*****

The IRS was forced to extend the Tax Filing deadline by 24 hours until midnight tonight after their website crashed yesterday. 

- Stay tuned... from what I hear, the head of the IRS is still on the phone with an IT guy in India named "Steve". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

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In honor of "Tax Day"... lots of eateries are offering I-Just-Paid-Uncle-Sam-Specials... like "Hooters", where kids 12 and under eat free. 

- And you can deduct the money you spent on a therapist for your nine year old on next years taxes. 

- It won't cost 'em much. If you take a 12 year old boy to Hooters, chances are good his eyes will be bigger than his stomach. 

*****

James Comey's new book may be hugely anti-Trump, but Hillary Clinton aides are blaming Comey (again) for her election loss. 

- At this point, Kim Jong Un has more friends than Comey does. 

*****

British dietitians claim that humans have a harder time losing weight in the winter because in pre-historic days, we had to hold onto fat to survive the cold. 

- The way this winter is going, I'm going to get my "Bathing Suit Body" back just in time for my local Labor Day Parade. 

*****

According to a new financial report, if you had invested $10,000 in Amazon after it's IPO launch in May 1997 you would now have $5.8 million.  

- And if you sold that stock today - and have Prime - you'd get the check in just two days! 

*****

A "green-eyed turtle that breathes through it's genitals" has been added to the endangered species list. 

- It's also been added to the list of "Most Popular Phrases Used By Women To Describe Harvey Weinstein".

*****

A Boston College philosophy professor is offering extra credit to students who ask someone out on a date in person, go out on the date and have no physical contact.

- If they offered college credits for this in my day, I would have graduated from Syracuse as the Valedictorian. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

 

 

 

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