This week we celebrate World Semicolon Day! So don’t forget to call your High School English teacher and schedule your annual Semi-Colonoscopy!

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The infamous white Ford Bronco carrying OJ Simpson in a low-speed chase across LA may finally be up for sale and is expected to get $1.5 MILLION at auction.

- $1.5 MILLION for a Bronco? There gonna make a killing!

- The Bronco is said to be in near-mint condition and can go from zero to 25 mph in less than 60 seconds.

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After an outcry from animal rights activists over the cruelty of glue-traps, New York lawmakers are proposing new ways to “Humanely” cut down the Rat population.

- So they’re just going to give the rats Gift Cards to White Castle and let nature takes its course.

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A new report says that reality star and stuntman Johnny Knoxville recently hinted at the potential for another in his series of Jackass movies. So look for "Jackass 5" coming soon to a Theater near you.

- Or you can just ask your kids and grandkids what's trending on TikTok.

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Disneyland is facing a lawsuit after “a worker dressed as Goofy collided with a woman and knocked her over, causing physical injuries”.

- Wait… Go back to the part about “a worker DRESSED as Goofy”??? Right… Like Goofy’s not real.

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CBS announced it will cancel it’s daytime show, “The Talk” after it’s 17th Season in December. .

- Now if someone one at ABC could just have the FINAL SEASON “Talk” with the ladies of “The View”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

The Tennessee Legislature has overwhelmingly voted to send the Governor a proposal that would BAN marriage between first cousins.

- Damn! I better call my Cousins in Bumpus Cove, TN and let ‘em know before they send out the Invites to the Wedding/Baby Shower.

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Former President Trump walked into a Manhattan courtroom this morning... becoming the first President in U.S. History to face Criminal Charges. For those of you keeping score... this trial is about the alleged Stormy Daniels hush money payments.

- Keep it here to stay abreast of all the details…

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A study into the work habits of Americans revealed that Washington, DC tops the list of America’s HARDEST-working cities.

- Really? I’m thinking that with Congress and the White House being there, that was supposed to read DC tops the list of "America's "HARDLY working cities"...

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According to a government survey, Japanese youth spend around 5 hours per day online.

- American parents were like, "Amateurs!"

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A video of a snake "doing his business" has gone Viral on Facebook... The sheer size of the "droppings" from a giant snake has left people gobsmacked, with some admitting that they didn't even know serpents pooped.

- I guess I assumed they went to the bathroom... but I saw the video and I was surprised to see the snake texting on the toilet.

- Those must be some really tiny thumbs...

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Today is TAX DAY!

Uh oh. I better call my Cousins in Bumpus Cove again and give ‘em the bad news.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

THIS JUST IN...

OJ SIMPSON HAS DIED AT AGE 76 FROM PROSTATE CANCER...

Yes… He's taking that final, sloooow White Bronco Ride to the sky...

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President and First Lady Biden hosted a State Dinner for the Prime Minister and First Lady of Japan at the White House Last night with plenty of celebrity guests in attendance… Jeff Bezos fiance Lauren Sanchez turned heads by wearing a racy, red lingerie style dress that showed off her cleavage.

- I haven’t seen a plunge like that since the Kamikaze bombers hit Pearl Harbor.

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Bill & HIllary Clinton also attended the soiree…

- Hillary was hoping to discuss policy issues with the Japanese Prime Minister… and Bill was hoping to get a few minutes alone with Jeff Bezos Fiance.

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Delta Airlines announced that it will soon update the way it boards passengers… going to a “Window… Middle Seat… then Aisle” process in an effort to speed up the boarding process.

- In related news… In addition to Beverages and Snacks… United will now be handing out Parachutes on all of their troubled Boeing 737’s!

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“Oppenheimer” officially became director Christopher Nolan’s biggest hit overseas… grossing $640 MILLION internationally.

- Making it the most successful Bombshell to come out of Hollywood since Sophia Loren.

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A German art museum recently fired a staff member for hanging his own painting in their gallery.

- He swears he didn’t do it… Says he was Framed. (Ba da Boom!)

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

For the first time in 75 years, Mattel is making a major change to its iconic “Scrabble” board game. Why? To make it more appealing to Gen Z gamers. The new version is “less competitive, provides clues, and can be played according to the players chosen level of difficulty”. Oh… and there’s no more scoring! Critics are calling it “Scrabble for Snowflakes” and “Woke Scrabble”.

- I call it S-T-P-I-D. (Well… I’m missing a “U”, but you get the idea…)

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Mount Etna, Europe’s largest active volcano delighted tourists and locals by blowing almost perfect smoke rings into the blue skies over Italy over the weekend.

- That, or Liz Warren is vacationing in Rome.

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“Strictly Confidential” star Elizabeth Hurley says that having her son direct the sensual love scenes in her new movie - in which she makes out with another woman - was “Liberating”.

- Her son, meanwhile, described the experience as “Gross”.

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A new survey finds that more Americans now prefer the hybrid work model - where they go into the office one or two days a week - over being fully remote.

- So it looks like people are finally ready to put their pants back on… Only on Monday’s and Wednesday’s maybe… but hey, it’s a start!

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A new restaurant chain in New York City is outsourcing staff to the Philippines, using screens with hostesses on Zoom calls instead of in-person employees. And here’s the kicker: When customers check out, they’re still prompted to add a tip of up to 18% on top of their bill - for the person 1800 miles away.

Here’s a tip for FREE: If you go to that restaurant… Don’t leave a tip!

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According to canine experts, when it comes to being Vocal… the #1 Dog Breed is… The Beagle.

- Charlie Brown was like, “Good Grief!”

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Today is “National Chinese Almond Cookie Day”! How do I know? Confucius TOLD ME yesterday in the Fortune Cookie I got with my lunch combo at Wong’s Chinese Carry Out on Woodward!

It’s also Winston Churchill Day… The man considered by most Histornians as the Man most responsible for Saving the World from Hitler.

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The View’s Sonny Hostin is being roundly mocked online for trying to tie the recent Earthquake in New York, the return of the Cicadas, and yesterday’s Eclipse to “Climate Change”. The claim was so ridiculous - even castmate Joy Behar called her out on it.

- Which puts me in a real quandary. Sunny’s position makes no sense. But to be honest… Joy isn’t exactly a Spokesmodel for the Mensa Society, either.

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Passengers on a Houston-bound Southwest Airlines flight recently watched in horror as the cover from one of the engines on the Boeing 737-800 came apart mid-flight forcing the pilot to make an emergency return to the airport.

- On a bright note… If there’s nothing good to watch on the “In Flight Entertainment System”… you can always just look out the window!

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JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon warned that excessive government spending in the U.S. may continue to fuel both high inflation and interest rates - which goes against what Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen says is happening.

- So I guess in this case, at least, “Dimon is NOT a Girl’s Best Friend”.

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You probably know that next Monday - April 15th is Tax Day - but it turns out not everybody is “in the know”. According to a new survey… Nearly 50% of Gen Z and Millennials (that includes people 12 to 43 years old) DIDN’T KNOW that taxes have to be filed by April 15th.

- But let’s be honest… Even if they DID know, they’d probably just wait around for the White House to announce some kind of “Tax Forgiveness” program to get votes.

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From the Creative Criminals Department…

A porch pirate in Sacramento, California was caught on camera sneaking up to a home and stealing a package - while dressed in a black garbage bag. The homeowner was so amused by the burglar’s get-up he said, “Good one” to the thief over his “Ring” camera microphone and didn’t even bother reporting the crime.

- We’ve gone from “America’s Funniest Home Videos” to “America’s Funniest Home Felonies”.

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A new genetic discovery reveals that left-handed people are rarer than many think.

- That’s just not right.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

It’s Dog Flatulance Appreciation Day! So Ladies… Make sure to slip your Husbands an extra treat today! (wink, wink!)

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More importantly… It’s Eclipse Day!

Later today, a total solar eclipse will temporarily leave parts of North America in complete and utter darkness as the Moon passes between the Earth and the Sun. Being scientific types - but also wanting to help out those less “astro-physics minded”, we did some research and came up with a visual aid we thought might help explain what’s happening for you. (And mostly, us).

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Eclipse Trivia Time…

Bonnie Tyler’s song “Total Eclipse of the Heart” has been all over the Radio waves this weekend… but there’s another song from the 70’s that made reference to the Celestial Event: Carly Simon’s 1972 hit, “You're So Vain”.

In the lyrics… Carly sings:

“Well I hear you went up to Saratoga

And your horse naturally won

Then you flew your lear jet up to __________

To see the total eclipse of the sun.”

WHERE DID HE FLY THE JET? (Answer below my sign off at the bottom!)

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Speaking of that song…

At the end of that verse… Carly sings,

“Well you’re where you should be all the time,

And when you’re not you’re with…

Some underworld spy,

Or the Wife of a Close Friend, Wife of a Close Friend and…

Your So Vain. You Probably think this song is about you…”

Well… back in the day my youngest daughters Jessica and Julie were convinced that “Wife of a close friend” was “Wife of the Postman”.

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That wasn’t as bad as Juice Newton’s 1981 cover of “Angel of the Morning”… Remember that line, “Just touch my cheek before you leave me”?. Yeah, well my daughters thought it was, “Just LICK MY TEETH before you leave me”.

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But I digress… Back to the Eclipse… Doctors warn that watching it with the naked eye could cause permanent damage to your vision.

Which is gonna be a real problem for Brittney Spears. These days, it seems she does pretty much EVERYTHING naked.

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The next Total Solar Eclipse in the United States won’t happen for 22 years… in 2044.

-To put that in perspective… in 2044, Joe Biden will be 103, Donald Trump will be 99 - and they’ll both be running for President.

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Former President Bill Clinton has a memoir coming out this fall about his life after the White House.

- No title yet, but we do know it’ll be a Pop-up book.

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In the last week… we had a 4.8 Earthquake in NY, New Jersey, and along the East Coast, Lightning struck the Statue of Liberty… and today, we’ve got the total Eclipse of the Sun.

- Well you know what they say… If Mother Nature aint happy, Ain’t NOBODY happy!

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

*ANSWER: Nova Scotia

Next month, Billions… if not trillions, of cicadas are expected to emerge from the underground in 17 U.S. states in a rare natural phenomenon not seen since 1803. (To put that in perspective, Thomas Jefferson was the US President… #3)

- There haven’t been that many bugs in one location in since Donald Trump first announced he was running for President back in 2016.

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Costco will begin offering $179 Ozempic prescriptions to members at some of their locations across the nation.

- You gotta love Costco! Where else can you get 36 Rolls of Toilet Paper, 10 Pounds of Frozen Cocktail Franks, a pair of Sweat Pants, a Big Screen TV, a Casket, a 1/4 pound hot dog for a buck fifty, and now… a weight loss shot… all before noon on Saturday.

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JetBlue’s is now changing the amount they charge for bag fees - depending on which day you fly. The busier the travel day… the more you pay… with prices reaching $50 per bag on peak dates.

- We used to say the airlines charged “An arm and a leg” for baggage fees… Nows it’s getting to the point where they may actually charge us for having ARMS and LEGS.

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A group of House Republicans introduced a bill on Tuesday to rename Washington, D.C.’s main international airport after former President Trump.

- Not to be outdone… The Democrats immediately introduced a bill to rename a “Stair Master” after President Biden.

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A new study finds that the amount of money Americans think they need to retire comfortably has hit a record high of $1.46 MILLION.

- Which the government says is absolutely no problem if you do the following:

#1) Get $1.46 MILLION…

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Vermont’s winter manure-spreading ban has been lifted for spring.

- And people say there’s no Positive news to report!

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Congratulations to Punxsutawney Phil and his Groundhog Wife Phyliss who welcomed two babies this weekend! No word on whether the little ones are Punxsutawney Boys or Punxsutawney Girls… and no names were given… but Mother and babies are said to be doing well.

- Right after the birth, Mrs. Punxatawney emerged from her hospital room, saw her shadow and said there would be at least six more weeks of NO SEX for Phil.

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National Love Your Produce Manager Day - So Lettuce all take a minute to say thanks for all the Fruits of your Labor!!!

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During the 2024 Easter Egg Roll on the lawn of the White House, President Biden introduced two Giant White Rabbits to a crowd of children as the “Oyster Bunnies”.

- Well, knowing this White House... it was probably part of "Trans-Shellfish-on-the-Half-Shell Visibility Day".

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Despite overwhelming homelessness and a massive uptick in crime and drug use, a new Study by WalletHub.com found San Francisco to be the Healthiest City to live in, in all of America.

- It’s true! If you can avoid being killed… you’ll have a hell of a life there!

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A new survey finds that 30% of Americans say they’ll never buy an electric vehicle.

- Mostly because they don’t have an extension cord long enough to make it from their garage to the grocery store.

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Amazon founder Jeff Bezos paid $90 MILLION for a mansion near Miami on an exclusive man made island known locally as "Billionaire's Bunker".

- He said he hadn't planned on spending that much on a house... but when it showed up as a "Lightning Deal"... he just couldn't help putting the mansion in his Cart.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

I hope you had a peaceful and joyous Easter with your Family and Friends!

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In a shocking move… Downey Fabric Softner announces that going forward, it’s famed “April Fresh” laundry product packaging will rotate labels to will make your clothes, “October Fresh”, “January Fresh”, etc”. It’s in an effort to be “More equitable to the other Months”.

- I thought it sounded like a pretty good idea until I thought about “February Fresh”. To be honest… that just doesn’t sound that appealing.

(April Fools!)

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The Pilot of a United Boeing 777 on it’s way from Germany to San Francisco was forced to return to the airport in Frankfurt after… “Poop” from a broken toilet overflowed, ran down the aisle and filled the entire cabin with a noxious odor.

- Go figure… The ONE time it would have been nice for a door to fall off and…. nothing.

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McDonald’s has announced plans to sell Krispy Kreme donuts.

-It’s part of their new “McHeart Attack Breakfast Menu”

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Transportation experts say soon… it won’t be uncommon to see fully autonomous (ie: SELF-DRIVING) 18-Wheelers on highways across America… and that the first “Humanless Big Rigs” will be on the road in Texas by the end of this year.

- Well if there’s no truck driver… Who’s gonna blow the horn when I’m driving down the highway, next to the truck, and I stick my arm out of the car window and make that pumping motion???

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Actor Jussie Smollett is appealing his 2021 disorderly conduct conviction, and according to the Associated Press, the Illinois Supreme Court has agreed to hear his case.

- Seriously, Jussie?? Talk about beating a dead horse!

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55 year old Will Smith says turning 50 changed his views on money. Smith… who is worth an estimated $350 MILLION claims he finally realized that money just buys “things” but that true happiness comes from “love and relationships”.

- Sounds like Will got hit with a little Common Sense. Or in his case, got Slapped by it.

- Then again… Will is more often the “Slapper” than the “Slappee”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

With Easter just a few days a way, Moms, Dads & of course the Easter Bunny are stocking up on sweet holiday treats. The biggest sellers this year: Chocolate Bunnies, Marshmallow Peeps, and the #1 Seller across the US: Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs.

- I love the Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs… but, being the health nut I am… I separate them and make myself a nice Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg-White Omelet! Yum!

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Tonight, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama will join President Biden for a one-night only $10,000 per person fundraiser at Radio City Music Hall in NYC. The money will go to Biden’s re-election campaign.

- Obama will hit up the big money donors, Joe will hit the Democrat talking points, and Bill will hit on the Rockettes.

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Medical experts are calling for over-50s to be taught about “Safe Sex” after rates of gonorrhea, chlamydia and syphilis have soared in Retirement Communities like “The Villages” in Florida.

- Well… they say those places have “Everything You Need!”… and apparently a few things you DON’T.

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On his Podcast, “Arnold’s Pump Club”, Ahhnold Schwarzenegger revealed that he had surgery to have a Pacemaker put in last week. He’s had three prior heart surgeries due to a genetic heart condition - But worry not… the Terminator was already out and about by Friday.

- They worked on his front… and he’s already “Bach”

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An Australian snake catcher had to make a house call after residents walked in on a pair of highly venomous serpents mating in the middle of their kitchen.

- The owner’s were like, “Have never heard of a bedroom??? And the snakes were like, “Have you ever heard of knocking first?”

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Disney+ is adding another gem to the long list of their documentaries with the upcoming title, “The Beach Boys.”

- But with Disney being so "Woke" and all... in the Documentary, half of the Beach "Boys" will actually be "Girls"... and you don't even want to know what they do when they're "In My Room"...

- "Would it be nice" if they just left things alone???

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RIP… Joe Lieberman, former Democratic senator who was Al Gore's running mate and later became a prominent force for independent candidates has died from complications from a fall at his home in Connecticut. He was 82.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

It's "National Country Music Song Titles Day"!

I’m not a huge country fan… but there’s a new song out that’s really catchy… It’s called: "There's Not Enough Bud Light in the World to Drink Dylan Mulvaney Pretty".

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President Joe Biden confused Baltimore commuters on Tuesday when he recalled traveling over Baltimore's Francis Scott Key bridge by train while commuting from Delaware "many, many times" over the years. Only problem... The Key bridge doesn’t have any Railroad tracks.

- But I say if you believe that… You’re a lying, dog face pony soldier!

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Dollar Tree has announced that it will raise its price cap to $7 as it experiences an influx of shoppers earning yearly salaries over $125,000, company officials said.

- So apparently when it comes to pricing… the Dollar Tree is “Branching” out.

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The New York Police Department is blitzing the subway system with 800 more cops over the next five days to hunt down fare-beaters.

- I'm to trying to be a naysayer here... but shouldn't New York be less worried about "Fare-Beaters" right now and concentrate a little more on "People-Beaters"???

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Well Shiver me timbers... there's another "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie in the works.

- But to make the new movie more "current", the new version will follow a band of swashbucklers as they cruise the high seas stealing Amazon Packages. It's tentatively titled: "Porch Pirates of the Caribbean"

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Danny DeVito has confirmed that he will be working with Arnold Schwarzenegger on a new movie.

- That’s the long and short of that story.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Thoughts and Prayers go out to those lost and still missing in the tragic Francis Scott Key Bridge disaster overnight in Baltimore… As of this writing, 2 of the 8 construction workers who were filling pot holes on the bridge at the time of the collapse have been rescued - one is in serious condition - the other miraculously survived unscathed. Six others are still unaccounted for. Officials say they don’t know how many passenger vehicles may have been on the bridge at the time… but thanks to the Cargo Ship sending out an SOS that they were in trouble, cars were stopped and “Lives were saved”. The FBI says no foul play is suspected at this time.

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Last night… the Department of Homeland Security conducted an Armed Raid on the home of Hip Hop Star Sean Puffy “P Diddy” Combs. The raids are “in connection with a federal sex trafficking investigation”… and took a really wild turn when Diddy boarded his private jet and reportedly took off for Antigua in the Bahamas. BUT… He was photographed at the Miami Airport and hasn’t been seen since…

- So… Did he flee the country? Did the feds arrest him?? It’s been hours and they’re not telling us DIDDY Squat!!!

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A recent survey of 2,000 adults reveals that a whopping 67% of Americans feel guilty when dining out.

- 50% say they feel guilt about the amount of money their spending… and the other 50% feel guilty about counting “Deep Fried Green Beans” as a serving of “Vegetables”.

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A new study confirms that Viagra cuts Alzheimer’s risk by over 50%.

- Thus the old expression… “You never forget your first time… or any time after that”.

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Things didn’t go too well for an Olympic skier when he testified on Capitol Hill Friday about the impact of climate change on the recreation industry. The 23-year-old struggled with basic facts… like insisting that carbon dioxide is a 'huge part of our atmosphere', before Senator John Kennedy of LA pointed out that it accounts for just 0.04%. The clearly out of his league skier responded, “Well, okay. But, yeah. I don't know”.

- I felt bad for the kid. II haven’t seen anybody sit in front of Congress and make that little sense since last week when AOC tried to explain that “RICO isn’t a Crime”. (It is, btw… “The Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act”)

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The internet is abuzz with rumors that Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce asked a popular LA gym to close down so they could work out all by themselves… leaving other gym members waiting outside for two hours yesterday.

- If the Gym was smart, they would have just sold tickets! I can see it now… “Taylor and Travis: The Treadmill Tour”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Kamala Harris was filmed smiling and clapping along with some Puerto Rican singers during her visit to San Juan, but stopped suddenly when an aide translated the lyrics which included“We want to know, Kamala, what did you come here for?"

- Three + years into her term as Vice President… I think we’d all like to know the answer to that question.

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“UGE” day for Donald Trump…

He’s in a NYC courtroom this morning for… (let me get out my special “Court Calendar”) the Stormy Daniels hush money case… Where he is charged with 34 counts of falsifying business records regarding over $130,000 in payments to the Porn Star.

- In his defense, it’s a whole lotta paperwork when you’re dealing with $130,000 in SINGLES.

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Meanwhile… An appeals court slashed former President Donald Trump's bond payment this morning from $454 MILLION to $175 MILLION… and gave him 10 days to pay it in order to appeal the Civil Fraud Allegations by NY AG Letitia James. He originally had to post all $454 MILLION by midnight tonight.

- I’m no Geoffrey Feiger… and my hair’s certainly not that spectacular… But isn’t it kind of Anti-American to have to pay $175 MILLION just for the right to go to court to try to prove that you shouldn’t have to pay the $454 MILLION in the first place??

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Scientists in Australia have identified a new species of Beetle that they say can hide from predators because it looks eerily similar to Bird Poop.

- It was discovered accidentally by a researcher who found it on his windshield after he’d just gotten his car washed.

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The CEO, COO and Chairman of the Board of Boeing are all stepping down at the end of the year as the plane maker continues to recover from the Alaska Airlines Door disaster and ongoing 737 Max safety issues.

- I’m sure they all end up with massive “Golden Parachutes”… Whereas there passengers would just be happy with regular old parachutes handed out before every flight.

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New York City experienced a rainfall record during Saturday’s storm with more than 3.6 inches recorded in Central Park.

- It was so wet that MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark

All the sweet, green icing flowing down

Someone left the cake out in the rain

I don't think that I can take it

'Cause it took so long to bake it

And I'll never have that recipe again

Oh, no…

(Btw… “MacArthur Park” is considered by Disc Jockey’s everywhere as “The Bathroom Break Song” because it was 7 minutes and 20 seconds long).

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Thoughts and Prayers to Princess Kate, Prince William and their Children as she begins treatment for Cancer. The Princess of Wales made the announcement in an emotional video posted to social media Friday after months of speculation about her whereabouts.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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During Tony Bobulinski’s testimony about the Biden Family in front of the House yesterday… New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (AOC) insisted that “RICO” (Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act) is NOT a Crime. (Which it is…)

- John Gotti’s gotta be rollin over in his grave.

- This is gonna come as a big surprise to Fani Willis and Nathan Wade down in Georgia.

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President Biden wandered off stage, headed directly toward a baby, and sat in the crowd as he was being introduced at a campaign event in Phoenix this week.

- Or as MSNBC reported it… “Robust President Biden Has In-Depth One-on-One Conversation With Young Voter”.

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Yesterday, the President of Mexico announced that his country will NOT accept any migrants back who have cross into the US illegally and are apprehended by officials in Texas. He says the Texas deportation policy is “Anti-Mexican”.

- Um… maybe I’m going out on a limb here… but isn’t keeping people - some of whom are MEXICAN - out of Mexico kind of “Anti-Mexican” as well???

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LA Dodgers co-owner owner Todd Boehly was caught in an unfortunate Viral TV moment during the MLB Series in Seoul, Korea. While watching the game from the stands, the Billionaire businessman was seen on camera sticking his fingers in his nose…. and then… in putting them in his mouth.

- As my Mother used to say… Does’t matter how much you dress them up, what schools you send them too, or how much money they have… Boys will be boys! (Although in the interest of full disclosure, I did see a woman do just that in a car at a traffic light next to me once. Once!)

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Beekeepers were summoned to a Mississippi highway to round up thousands of escaped Bees when the 18-wheeler hauling their hives overturned.

- According to Officer Winnie T. Pooh, it was part of a larger Sting Operation. (Bada Boom!)

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A Roman statue dating back almost 2,000 years and worth thousands of dollars has been discovered by construction workers building a parking lot in England.

- And I feel lucky if I can find a Parking Spot in a Parking Lot.

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A Florida couple was arrested for having sex on the sidewalk in front of a Popeyes Chicken restaurant, in plain view of passing motorists.

- It could have been worse. They could have done it in front of a “Five Guys” Hamburger location.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

During a contentious hearing in front of the House Oversight Committee, Hunter Biden’s Former business partner Tony Bobulinski said repeatedly that the President's son lied under oath while speaking to lawmakers earlier this year about his father's involvement in his business dealings.

- The bad news is… Hunter may have “Painted” himself into a corner by lying.

The good news is… He can sell that corner to a Shady Overseas Businessman for well over 6 figures!!!

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Fancy yourself a Lawyer but don't want to go through the hassle of taking the Bar?? Move to Washington State! According to the State Supreme Court, the Bar Exam "at best minimally effective for ensuring competent lawyers".

- I'm pretty sure they came to this conclusion after watching lovebirds Fani Willis and her boyfriend Nathan Wade prosecute the Trump case in Georgia.

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If a bill that would force Beijing-based parent company ByteDance to sell its stake in Tik-Tok is signed into law... Americans could lose access to the App in as little as a month.

- Where am I gonna post my homemade dance videos???

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Donald Trump has once again hinted that if he is re-elected, Prince Harry could be deported if he is found to have lied about his drug use when he applied for a Visa.

- I’m pretty sure there’s a whole lotta people who would prefer Trump deport Meghan, FIRST.

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The inner windshield of an Alaska Airlines plane cracked as it landed in Oregon in the latest issue involving a Boeing jet.

- Luckily, they called Safelite who came out and fixed the windshield right on the runway! So the pilot was able to go into the airport lounge, get liquored up, and get right back to flying!

- Sing with me... "Safelight Repair... Safelite Replace!"

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Army personnel were called to a Quebec home when the deceased owner's daughter made a surprising discovery in a toolbox: a live grenade.

- Her Dad had told her he left her a surprise in his Will that would "blow her away"... but apparently that’s not what she had in mind.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Hurray! Hurray! It’s the First Day of Spring!

You know what that means to us Michiganders! It’s time to start wearing our Snow Boots WITHOUT the Fur Lining!!!! 🥳

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Joe Biden’s new “boat anchor” shoes are getting a lot of attention… but the White House says the shoes, called “Hoka Transports” are designed for maximum “stability,” as the president’s falls continue to spark concern.

- In the Old Days we knew the President would Stand Up for America… Now we’re supposed to be happy if the President can just stay standing up.

*****

People from across the globe took to Social Media to list the “Obvious Signs that Someone is an American” when they encounter them visiting Europe. Among the “You Must Be An American…” traits: Making eye contact and smiling, being too friendly & tipping too much.

- When I was over in France… I noticed that most American tourists wore white sneakers but none of the French people wear white tennis. They carry a lot of white flags… but no white tennis shoes.

*****


A new survey finds that nearly half of all married Japanese couples are “sexless”… with the men saying their wives are not “open to their advances”.

- Hint to guys: She might be more receptive if you don’t sneak up on her… like you did at Pearl Harbor!

*****

Stop the Presses! After months of rumors and speculation regarding Daniel Craig’s successor… it appears we have our new James Bond! 33 year old British actor Aaron Taylor-Johnson has officially been offered the role.

- Now we just need to wait for him to accept… and for me to Google Aaron Taylor-Johnson and find out who the heck he is.

*****

Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift were spotted holding hands on a romantic tropical vacation in an undisclosed location.

- I’ll let you know where they are as soon as their reps leak the info to the press!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

At the annual Gridiron Dinner Saturday night, President Biden joked that, “One candidate’s too old and mentally unfit to be president…and the other guy’s me.”

- It was really funny… until everybody realized Joe didn’t remember “the other guy’s” name.

*****

Oprah Winfrey displayed her new svelte physique as she walked the red carpet at the 2024 NAACP Image Awards on Saturday.

- She was so excited about dropping the extra pounds she offered to give everybody she saw a “New COMPACT Car!!!!!”

*****

The mystery of “KateGate” continues… with the Palace now saying William and Kate went shopping at a local Plant Nursery over the weekend - BUT - and it’s a Kim Kardashian sized BUT - there were no photographs taken to document the event. So… Was Kate really there? Where is she? Is she okay?

- I haven’t had this many questions since my Mother and Father sat me down and told me our dog had gone to live on a farm in Upstate New York with my Uncle Ozmer and Aunt Bertha.

*****

A New York City Burger King was hit with a $15-million-dollar lawsuit after it was accused of allowing an “open air drug bazaar” run by “professional” dealers… meaning people could get Meth or Coke when they dropped by for a Whopper and Fries.

- Well, the Burger King jingle DID SAY that “Special Order’s Don’t Upset” them.

*****

The results of a recent study suggest that restaurant patrons can be encouraged to tip a little extra if there’s a smiley-face emoji printed alongside the suggested gratuity on their check.

- And the evil, dagger eyed glare of the kid when they point to the computer screen and ask if you want to add a tip doesn’t hurt either.

*****

Health experts said that the best way to avoid a Hangover is to simply avoid drinking.

- Well it’s awfully nice of them to come out with that Info the day AFTER St. Patrick’s Day…

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

The internet has exploded over what’s being called “#KateGate”… the mystery of what’s going on with Prince William’s wife Kate Middleton. She’s been MIA since a pre-planned abdominal surgery in January. Then last week, she posted a pic of herself and her kids on Social Media that was clearly photoshopped. She apologized (Something the Royal Family RARELY does) leading to even more speculation about WHAT’S GOING ON???

- Some people are speculating that she’s ill…. Some think she and William are having Marital problems… About the only thing people agree on is that if one of the Royal Sisters-in-law had to “Go Missing” for a while…. most say they wish it was Meghan Markle.

*****

An American Airlines Boeing 777 with 249 people on board made an emergency landing in Los Angles after the pilot reported a 'mechanical problem' - the 6th incident in just over week for Boeing and days after a whistleblower was set to testify against the company allegedly killed himself.

- If this keeps up, this company may end up being… “Boeing, Boeing… Gone”.

*****

A new California bill would ban public schools from serving foods containing certain artificial dyes and additives, including Doritos, Gatorade, and Welch’s fruit snacks.

- That news again: In California… they’re cool with your son deciding to become your daughter without telling you… but God forbid they eat a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

*****

A survey of 2,000 Americans who are married or living with their partner, finds that 36% appreciate when either they or their partner isn’t at home, so they don’t have to share the bed.

- Well, except with the Dog.

*****

Residents of a city in western Japan have been warned to stay away from a Cat after it fell into a tank of poisonous chemicals.

- Read all about it in the new book: “The Cat in the Vat”.

*****

“The Batman 2” has reportedly been delayed by a year and won’t hit theaters until 2026.

- First they try to Defund the Police….. and now “Batman” is Delayed??

*****

77-year-old Cheech Marin and 85-year-old Tommy Chong arrived with a giant joint at a premiere of their documentary “Cheech And Chong's Last Movie.”

- It’s crazy… When Cheech and Chong first started smoking Pot they had to lie and say it was for their Gluacoma. And now? It actually is.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

It’s National Alfred Hitchcock Day - Yes... Today we celebrate the man who singlehandedly made an entire generation of people afraid to: Take a Shower, Look out the Rear Window, or do anything that involves Birds!

*****

Despite curfews and a massive increase in police presence, Miami Beach officials say they're overrun with crowds of scantily clad spring breakers pounding drinks and taking over the beaches and city streets.

- Somewhere, at this very moment, Bill Clinton is filling out an application to be a Police Officer in Miami Beach.

*****

A recent study finds that 47% of Parents still financially support their Adult Children.

- Well, duh! Who do you think gave the "Spring Breakers" the money to go to Miami Beach??? Their parents wanted to get them out of their basements for a week!

*****

A new study finds that drinking a 2-liter bottle of soda weekly is linked to the Cardiac condition called “Atrial Fibrillation" or "A-Fib".

- To be honest... It kinda SOUNDS like the name of a Soda Pop. I can hear it now... "I'll have a Cheese Burger, Fries... and a Diet A-Fib with extra Ice!"

*****

New York City was hit with high winds yesterday... with gusts reaching up to 50 miles per hour.

- It was so windy, the The Statue of Liberty's Skirt Blew up and she accidentally flashed the Empire State Building.

*****

Hundreds of people tired of having to drive 55 miles to Oshawa, Ontario for their favorite Arby’s Roast Beef Sandwiches… protested there to try and pressure the fast food chain to open a location in their home town of Toronto.

- I can’t believe they drove 55 miles for a Roast Beef Sandwich! Why didn’t they Skate??

- The Canadian Roast Beef lovers yelled "We WANT the Meats!"... Well, actually, "We WANT the Meats, Eh?"

*****

RIP… Singer-songwriter Eric Carmen, frontman of the pop-rock band the Raspberries and songs such as "All By Myself", “Never Gonna Fall in Love Again” and "Hungry Eyes," has died at age 74. No cause of death was given.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Last night’s 46th Annual Academy Awards saw plenty of leg and cleavage on display…

- And that was just from the guys.

Specifically… Wrestler turned actor, John Cena who ended up on stage completely naked (save a tiny cardboard sign over his manhood) to present the award for “Best Costume Design”. It was supposed to be an “homage” to the “Streaker” who ran across the stage while David Niven was introducing Elizabeth Taylor 50 years ago at the 1974 Oscars.

- I remember at the time, Liz said the Streaker reminded her less of her film “Giant” and more of the movie “Father’s Little Dividend”.

*****

President Biden apologized for something he considered a mistake in Thursday night’s State of the Union speech… Not for mispronouncing Laken Riley’s name… but for calling the migrant from Venezuela who murdered her an “Illegal”.

- Well I don’t know about you… but I feel A LOT better now.

*****

Archeologists in Turkey say they have discovered the world’s oldest known Bread, dating back to 6600 BC.

- It’s led them to start a new list: The 7 Ancient Wonder Breads of the World.

*****

A new survey out of Missouri finds that 70% of teachers in the state have considered leaving the profession.

- Teachers in nearby states say they have no idea “M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P—P- WHY?” the teachers would want to quit.

*****

A former stripper claims to have sold Prince Harry’s underwear for $250,000-dollars to a San Diego strip club boss owner who is “trying to build a shrine” to Harry.

- So it you can’t afford a trip to London to see the Royal Family Jewels… You can always go see Harry’s Underwear in San Diego where to see where “the jewels” used to be stored.

*****

A new study suggests that obesity may run in the family.

- It particularly runs in a family where nobody runs.

*****

RIP… Singer Steve Lawrence who died March 7th at age 88 from complications of Alzheimer’s Disease. His longtime wife and singing partner Edie Gorme died in August of 2013.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick