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A new poll shows that a majority of football fans don’t think companies should use their ads to make a political statement during the Super Bowl.

- They’d rather leave Politics to the experts… The players.

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Gillette, known for their disposable razors.. is facing a backlash for their new #MeToo movement commercial which challenges men to “Shave off” their “Toxic Masculinity”. 

- Whatever! I’ll continue using my “Stashtag”:  #UpperLipHairForever… Toxic or not.

- In the interest of fairness, shouldn’t WOMEN have to shave off their mustache’s too??

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Two female analysts on CNN slammed President Trump as “sexist” for telling a College Basketball team that he went out and bought them hamburgers because Melania would have “made them salads”.

- They call it “Sexist”. I call it “Salad Shaming”!

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A man on Social Media claims he “accidentally” proposed to his girlfriend and gave her an engagement ring after taking a super-sized dose of the sleep medicine Ambien.

- Sounds like he wanted to make sure he married the girl of his dreams.

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CNN legal analyst Areva Martin called out Fox News contributor David Webb for his “white privilege” during a radio interview with him on Tuesday. She was a tad embarrassed when he explained to her that he’s Black.

- Coming Soon! The TV series: “Black is the New White”.

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Nancy Pelosi has asked Prez Trump to reschedule his State of the Union address — or submit it in writing — as long as the government remains shut down.

- Nancy and Chuck would have been a lot better off if they’d submitted THEIR TRUMP OVAL OFFICE REBUTTAL SPEECH IN WRITING.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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Turns out Jeff Bezos girlfriend Lauren Sanchez is the one who tipped off the media about their affair by telling her friends that she was dating “The Richest Man in the World”.

- Do you think there’s a chance she’s just dating him for his MONEY??? Nah.

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Ford unveiled it’s most powerful Mustang ever (700 Horsepower!) at the Detroit Auto Show yesterday.

- No price was given but I’m betting you can go from Zero to Bankrupt in under 5 seconds.

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In Medical News… a pair of studies found that less than 6 hours of sleep a night increases the risk of heart disease, but moving around for 30 minutes a day, instead of sitting, can add years to your life.

- So basically if you lay awake all night thinking about exercising the next day, you’ll break even.

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Sources say President Obama will not endorse his 76 year old former Vice President Joe Biden for the Presidency.

- It’s part of Obama’s new “Change You Can’t Believe In” policy.

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After a 13 year break, “The Who” - who are in their 70’s - announced plans for a new album and a live tour.

- They’ll start the show by wandering around on stage asking each other: “Who Are You?”

- The first song on the new album is entitled: “Pinball Thanks-To-My-Prostate-I-Can’t-Whizard”.

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RIP… Carol Channing - best known for playing the title role in Broadway’s “Hello Dolly” has died of natural causes at the age of 97.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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A survey by Ancestry.com found that 33% of Americans can’t name all 4 of their Grandparents.

- However most Millennials say they came name “All 3” of their Parents.

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Dozens of top Democrat Congress members are taking heat for flying to Puerto Rico to party with lobbyists 3 weeks into the Government Shutdown.

- To be fair… When Chuck and Nancy were on TV giving their rebuttal to Trump last week, they looked like they could USE a vacation. Or at least a LAXATIVE.

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Prez Trump has a new name for Amazon Adulterer Jeff Bezos… who owns the anti-Trump “Washington Post”… tweeting how sorry he is for “Jeff BOZO” and his impending divorce.

- Whoa Nelly!

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Kardashian sister Kylie Jenner has been dethroned as the “Most Liked” image on Instagram… by a picture of an Egg. Kylie has 17 million likes… the Egg got 28 Million.

- Proving once again that fame isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

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The first NFL Playoff game officiated by a Woman took place yesterday between the Patriots and the Chargers.

- Instead of Throwing a Flag on a play she “Tweeted the Penalty” with the Hashtag #illegaluseofhands.

*****

Thousands of people from New York City to Berlin donned socks, shoes and not much else for the annual “No Pants Subway Ride” over the weekend.

- Talk about Brave! Most people are afraid to sit on subway seats with their pants ON.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, the Richest Man in the World with a net worth of $140 Billion - is getting divorced after 25 years of marriage.

- Some divorces take years. Bezos will get his FREE in just two days… if he has Prime.

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Turns out Bezos announced that he was getting divorced because pictures of him and his GIRLFRIEND were about to surface.

- He found his girlfriend while looking at a pic of his wife on Amazon. It said “If you like THAT… You may also be interested in THIS!”

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Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer are being roasted by both sides after their televised response to Prez Trumps Oval Office address on the Immigration issue.

- If you missed it, just remember your parents faces when you tried to sneak in the house after breaking curfew and crashing their car.

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A new study of 6.8 BILLION people around the world found that Men are the victims of discrimination more often than Women are.

- True or not, the big question is How did they interview 6.8 BILLION people??? Was it a telephone survey or did they go door to door??

*****

“Lonely George”, a Hawaiian tree snail who lived to the age of 14 and is the last known snail of his kind, has died.

- His grand-snails say he was a lot of fun and always encouraged them to come out of their shells.

- Fittingly, George the Snail died a slow death.

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Critics say the hottest gadget at the Consumers Electronic Show in Las Vegas - is an “intelligent toilet” with ambient mood lighting, Amazon Alexa voice controls and built-in surround sound speakers.

- I was okay with this until I got to the “surround sound speakers” part.

******

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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It’s official: Elizabeth Warren will run for President in 2020.

- She’s already got a campaign slogan: “Hopi and Change You Can Believe In”.

*****

Lady Gaga is standing by her statement that it’s hard for women to be taken seriously in the music industry.

- Ya think the fact that she wears Meat dresses has something to do with it??

*****

A study out of the University of Pennsylvania found that people’s moods tend to vary depending on how their cities professional sports teams are performing.

- Which explains why people around here are excited for the first 3/4 of the day… and then their mood tanks at the end.

*****

A Florida man says he “has no idea” how three syringe needles that police found in his buttocks during a strip search got there.

- In his defense, the man admits that even on a good day he doesn’t know his A** from a hole in the ground.

*****

Fidel Castro’s grandson “Tony” is taking heat for posting pics of his BMW and yacht on social media while the average citizen of Cuba makes $30 a month.

- I’m beginning to think this whole “Communism” thing doesn’t work.

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Authorites in Singapore became curious after they heard “Meowing” coming from the bulge in a mans pants and found four kittens he was attempting to smuggle into the country. 

-Thus the expression, “Is that a Cat in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” 

- This is the first time in history that Curiosity SAVED the cat. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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A proposed 20-foot tall neon sign set to go up outside “Kid Rock's Big Ass Honky Tonk Rock N' Roll Steakhouse” will feature a giant guitar shaped like a woman's butt.

- Why spend all that money on a sign? Why not just tape up a pic of Kim Kardashian?

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At last night’s Golden Globe Awards, the announcers kept talking about how there were a lot of new faces in the crowd.

- But technically speaking, it’s Hollywood and EVERYONE there has a new face.

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One of the not-so-new faces last night was Carol Burnett who (Surprise!) won the “Carol Burnett TV Award”.

- Carol had one word for the other’s up for the award: “SOOOOORRRRRREEEEY!”

*****

Starting today, public buildings in New York are required to provide baby changing tables in both the Men’s and Women’s room.

- So now men can go through “The Change” too… but without the mood swings and hot flashes.

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Alabama and Clemson are set to square off in College Football’s National Championship game tonight.

- Each school makes about $10 million bucks for making it into the game. But, when you subtract what they’re paying the players, it comes out to….$10 million bucks.

*****

“Overweight” flight attendants and crew members on Pakistani Airlines have 6 months to lose their extra weight or they’ll lose their jobs.

- It’s nice to see an airline asking their employees to lose THEIR OWN excess baggage instead of ours for a change.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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Researchers say that a woman who was reportedly the “The World’s Oldest Woman Ever”, who died at the age of 122 (and a half!!!) in 1997, was a fraud who assumed her deceased mother’s identity and was really only 99. 

- Either way, she’s the first woman in history to lie about her age… and make herself OLDER.

*****

Madonna is taking heat on Social Media after appearing on a New Years Eve show with what look like gigantic butt implants.

- Hear more about it in her new hit “Like a Kardashian”.

*****

A former lesbian from Seattle claims she fell in love with the anonymous sperm donor who fathered the two daughters she had with her ex-wife after tracking him down for 11 years on Facebook.

- Don’tcha just love an old-fashioned romance??

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Good News/Bad news story out of China… Sales of Apple iPhones are way down.

- The Good News? Sales of Almond Boneless Chicken are way up.

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The British Army is trying to entice young recruits with ads praising the “Me Me Me Millennials” for their “strong self- belief” and “Snowflakes” for their “compassion”.

- British Millennials said they be happy to serve as long as their Drill Sergeant and enemy troops are “Nice” to them.

*****

Breaking news… Rapper Drake has unfriended Kim Kardashian on Instagram. 

- And to think I had such high hopes for 2019 would be a good year!

*****

RIP… Daryl Dragon, the “Captain” of Captain and Tennille has died of renal failure at the age of 76 with his longtime partner Toni Tennille at his side.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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NBC is being slammed for it’s “train-wreck” New Year’s Eve coverage which featured co-host Chrissy Teigen talking about “Vaginal Steaming” but failed to show a countdown clock or the Ball Drop in Times Square.

- Here in Detroit we didn’t see the Ball Drop either… since the Lions WON over Green Bay… 31 - Zip!

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The Transportation Security Administration is planning on replacing pointy-ear dogs with floppy-ear ones as their security dogs, because people are less afraid of them.

- Call me crazy but aren’t we SUPPOSED TO BE AFRAID of Security Dogs??

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As per usual, the number one Resolution this year was to “Eat healthier and lose weight”.

- But researchers say only 8% follow through with it, leaving the rest of us to eat our words... Along with a lot of potato chips.

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Patriots QB Tom Brady won’t receive any of the $5 Million in Performances Bonus’s built into his contract this year because he didn’t meet any of the goals he set for himself this season.

- He should do what I do: Set lower goals.

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Presidential Candidate Elizabeth Warren is being mocked on Social Media after going live on the Internet and awkwardly chugging a beer while taking questions from potential voters.

- To make matters worse, she drank the beer in the kitchen of her WigWam.

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United Airlines started the New Year with a tweet announcing that they’re bringing back an in-flight snack called the “Stroopwafel”.

- With the miniature size of airplane bathrooms, I thought the “Stroopwafel” was a euphemism for the “Mile High Club”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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Here's hoping you had a very Merry Christmas!

And now… Let the countdown begin!

-Dick

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The true meaning of Christmas is not under our trees, but in our hearts.

Merry Christmas… Wishing you a Blessed day!

-Dick

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"And so I'm offering this simple phrase, 
To kids from one to ninety-two, 
Although its been said many times, many ways, 
Merry Christmas to you..."

 

From the Purtan family to you and yours...

Have a Safe, Happy & Healthy Christmas Eve!

-Dick

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Chinese scientists say they’re using a $100 Million brain scanning machine to “find the human soul”.

- Dr. Scholl’s foot scanner found my soul at the drugstore the other day… It was Size 10 and only cost me 20 bucks.

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If you’re too busy to make a big Christmas Dinner, try a can of “Christmas Tinner” - which features 9 layers of everything from Turkey and cranberry sauce to Brussel sprouts and pudding.

- Years from now… todays kids will be filled with nostalgia, fondly remembering those delicious, old fashioned Christmas dinners at Grandma’s house… all out of a can.

*****

Researchers at the University of Guelph in Ontario, Canada are trying to find out what makes Chickens happy.

- Well we know for sure it’s not Colonel Sanders.

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Christmas hasn’t even arrived yet, but retailers say customers who began shopping before Black Friday are already returning packages… at a rate of a million a day.

- Not counting the guy who steals the packages off my front porch. I’m pretty sure he keeps those.

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Holiday cookie bakers have taken to social media to scold Hershey’s for selling chocolate morsels and Hershey’s kisses with the iconic tip cut off.

- I just had a “Circumcised Chocolate Chip Cookie with Nuts” the other day. Yum!

- This is what happens when you hire a surgeon/rabbi to design your chocolate goodies.

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A Russian man who was set to participate in the world’s first head transplant CANCELED his surgery after falling in love with a girl.

- When he said he fell “Head over Heels” he really meant it. 

*****

What does Santa give naughty girls for Christmas?

- A gift certificate to Kohls in her stocking.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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As a Holiday Bonus, President Trump signed an Executive Order giving all Government employees Christmas Eve off.

- Which is great news for the two members of his Cabinet who haven’t resigned yet.

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A study by North Carolina State University found that chimpanzees have cleaner beds than humans do.

- It’s a toss up as to whose beds see the most “Monkey Business”.

- Chimps buy their sheets at “Bed, Bath & Bananas”.

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Facebook reportedly gave big tech companies EVEN MORE "intrusive access" to the personal data of its 2.2. billion users including private messages, usernames and contacts.

- Things are getting so bad at Facebook Mark Zuckerberg “unfriended” himself.

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A man in China who reportedly made a habit of sniffing his dirty socks each day contracted a serious fungal lung infection.

- So there’s actually a MEDICAL reason why we all shouldn’t be sniffin’ our socks everyday! I guess the guys in Grosse Pointe were ahead of the curve on this one.

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A 24 year old California man has been dubbed “The Most Popular Sperm Donor in the World” - fathering 18 children in four years because of (according to him) his looks, his education, and the fact that he doesn't charge for his services.

- He doesn’t charge for his services? What a charitable guy! I guess This IS The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

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Adult film star Stormy Daniels said she is “beyond excited and honored to share” that she will be featured in the next issue of Playboy.

- Something tells me this news isn’t the only thing Stormy will be “sharing”.

*****

What’s Santa’s favorite kind of potato chips?

- Kris Pringles

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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Meghan Markle’s dad says his daughter has “ghosted” him and is asking the Queen of England to intervene. 

- I’m thinking he stands a better shot of getting this worked out with Jerry Springer.

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A survey by Graphic Springs found that 19% of people would prefer Santa Claus to be gender neutral.

- What’s next?? Frosty the Snow-Person??

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A Florida lawyer claims to have uncovered Hugh Hefner’s private sex tapes and plans to use them in a civil case against Bill Cosby. 

- Huh? Does this mean Bill Cosby had Hugh Hefner over for one of his “special drinks”??

- This explains why Cosby’s been using the hashtag #MeHugh in all of his prison correspondence.

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A California woman claims a Southwest Airlines agent forced her to leave her beloved pet fish at the airport last week.

- So instead of flying, the fish just swam to its destination.

- Hard to believe a company that packs you in like Sardines couldn’t make room for a tiny little fish.

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A pet parrot in England used his owners “Alexa” to order a kite, light bulbs, a tea kettle and some ice cream.

- Apparently Polly DIDN’T want a cracker.

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Harvey Weinstein’s name has been taken off of the New Jersey Hospital he founded.

- Big deal! Harvey never needed a Hospital to “play doctor” anyway.

*****

What does Santa call his toy workshop?

The Elves Oak Mall.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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Lions Coach Matt Patricia dropped the F-bomb during a radio interview Sunday after the teams 14-13 loss to the Buffalo Bills.

- “Welcome to the Club!” said Lions fans everywhere.

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Caitlyn Jenner said that when it comes to Christmas presents, his ex-wife Kris Jenner is the best gift ever.

- Kris used to think of Bruce as a great gift too, but then he exchanged himself for Caitlyn.

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Speaking of Caitlyn Jenner… Miss Spain became the first openly transgender contestant to compete in the Miss Universe Pageant over the weekend.

- She didn’t win… but she did take the cake in the pageant’s “Secret Santa” competition.

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KFC has something new for sale this Christmas: For just $18.99 you can get a fire-starter log that smells just like the Colonel’s Original Recipe Fried Chicken.

- Nothing says “Christmas” like the scent of Fried Chicken wafting through the house while you’re opening your Hickory Farms Cheese Ball.

- Besides it’ll go great with the Coleslaw scented candles I got last year!

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A new survey found that 1 in 3 people have done something at an Office Holiday Party that they regret.

- Does Xeroxing your naked butt on the office copy machine still count like it used to??

*****

What’s Bill Clinton’s favorite Christmas song lyric?

- “Oh By Gosh, By Golly… It’s Time For Miss L. Toe and Holly!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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A new survey found that 67% of Americans sing Christmas tunes in the car and the most popular sing-a-long song is “Jingle Bell Rock”.

- But if a cop is coming up from behind you with his siren on, the most popular song to sing is “Do You Hear What I Hear?”

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Nancy Pelosi said her televised Oval Office meeting with Prez. Trump was like a “Tinkle contest with a skunk”.

- A “Tinkle” contest??? How genteel of her!

- But to be honest, I agree with Nancy... I saw the interview and it really Tinkled me off too.

*****

NBC announced that Kathy Lee Gifford is leaving the Today show after 11 years.

- One things for sure, whoever replaces her will have big wine glasses to fill.

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CNN talking heads said First Lady Melania Trump “whines” all the time and throws herself “pity parties”.

- As my Mother always said, “If you can’t say something nice about someone, say something mean about their wife”.

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A New Zealand study claims that James Bond is an alcoholic because of the amount of drinking he does in the movies.

- Turns out his real code name was Double O Seven And Seven.

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The Chinese Government is offering its citizens $86,000 to snitch on people who watch pornography.

- So now instead of asking for a raise at their factory jobs Kindergarten’s can make extra cash turning in their Dads.

*****

What does Santa Claus use instead of salt?

Mrs. Dasher.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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A judge ordered Stormy Daniels to cough up almost $300,000 to pay President Trump’s attorney fees in the defamation suit against him that was dismissed.

- Wow… It’s isn’t even Christmas and Stormy already got coal in her fish net stockings.

*****

William Shatner has angered some of his fans by taking to Twitter in defense of the song “Baby It’s Cold Outside”… which they say is about a man pressuring a woman for sex.

- QUESTION: How can Shatner’s Star Trek fans be outraged about sex when they’ve never even had it???

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Instead of having the traditional “Host”, the upcoming Oscars may feature a lot of different actors and actresses taking part in the show.

- That way EVERYBODY in Hollywood gets a chance to bash Trump.

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One of the most popular gifts this year is the line of “Golden Girls Chia Pets”.

- They make great stocking stuffers - or in the case of Betty White - Knee High Stuffers.

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Some members of the “Caravan” of migrants are demanding 50 Grand a piece from the US Government to turn around and return to their home countries.

- This is like going to a wedding you weren’t invited to and demanding the bride and groom give you everything on their registry to get you leave.

- Thus Lady Liberty’s Motto: “Bring us your Huddled Masses yearning to Extort the US Taxpayers”.

*****

Which of Santa’s Reindeer has the cleanest bathtub?

- Comet!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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102 year old Olivia De Havilland is asking the US Supreme Court to hear her case against the FX network for misrepresenting her in a biopic about her lifelong feud with her sister/fellow actor Joan Fontaine.

- 102… Wow! So it’s true: Women NEVER forget.

*****

NBA player Stephen Curry said he doesn’t believe that US astronauts really landed on the moon.

- Sounds to me like Stephen’s been taking more than just 3 shots… on the court.

*****

A new law being considered in California would require baseball stadiums to offer Vegan entrees.

- Mmmmm! If this catches on here, who wouldn’t enjoy a yummy boiled carrot and mustard hotdog while rootin’ on the Tigers???

*****

A British couple - in their 70’s - were arrested after “an extremely large amount” of cocaine was found hidden in their stateroom.

- Cruise officials were tipped off when they realized the couple were jumping off the ship to play “Marco Polo” in the ocean.

*****

Delta announced that they will no longer allow kittens or puppies on board as “Trained Emotional Support Animals”.

- Notice they haven’t banned Sex Robots… Yet.

*****

According to an article in the NY Times, many apps on your smartphone record your location - up to 14 thousand times a day - and sell that info to the highest bidder.

- I take pleasure in knowing some high tech company somewhere is paying big bucks to find out I never left the house yesterday.

*****

Why does Santa see a therapist?

- He’s got low Elf-Esteem.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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