In honor of the Total Solar Eclipse, today we offer Podcast #220 - a new effort that will leave all previous Podcasts in its shadow!?!?  But first things first: The passing of legendary comedian Jerry Lewis at the age of 91, and my "Two Degrees of Separation" from him. Then I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know about Sloths (but were afraid to ask), Why Meeeechigan's first game of the season (against Florida) is being played in Texas, and I'll reveal my favorite, fabulous new "IT" girl... Alexa. Plus, "coverage" of this afternoon's Super Celestial Event. (And remember... Don't Look Up!!!) 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday with my regular blog!

-Dick

A Cheetos-themed restaurant opened in New York City on Wednesday. 

- It's like a regular restaurant, except instead of giving you a Doggie Bag, they send you home with the orange cheese dust on your fingers. 

*****

According to a new survey, the best time of the day to have sex is when your body is the most rested,  at exactly 7:30 am.

- So now we know why all of those high school teachers are sleeping with their students... They're already in Algebra class at 7:30am.

*****

A British family bound for Disneyworld was banned from the Manchester, England Airport lounge for "inappropriate dress". FYI: They were wearing matching Minnie Mouse T-Shirts. 

- Apparently, airport officials thought the t-shirts were a slap in the face to straight male and transgender mice.

- Is it me or has the world gone just plain Goofy???

*****

Daniel Craig announced that he will play James Bond again less than one year after saying that he would "cut himself with glass" before returning to the role. 

- The movie will be called either "Slash Your Wrists and Die Another Day" or "Never Say Never. Period." 

*****

Men's Fitness will no longer offer a print version of its' magazine. 

- So guys, if you want to read about how to get in shape, you're going to have to sit on the couch with your laptop. 

*****

A new study found that smoking marijuana increases a person's risk of high blood pressure. 

- On the bright side, if you smoke enough... you won't care. 

- Put another way, Woody Harrelson could stroke-out at any moment. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

Forty years ago today, Elvis Presley died at the age of just 42. 

- President Trump tweeted "Elvis is still missed! But if anyone knows the pressure of being "The King"... it's ME!!!"

*****

- Fans of Elvis who have always been able to visit his grave for free, are outraged that this year they're being charged $28.75 to pay their respects. 

- They claim almost $30 bucks is a Hunka Hunka Burning Cash. 

- Some said they had to sell their Blue Suede Shoes on ebay to afford a ticket. 

*****

Trump unleashed a firestorm yesterday when he said both the Neo-Nazi's and the Alt-Left protestors were responsible for the violence in Charlottesville over the weekend. 

- If the Prez puts his foot in his mouth anymore, he's going to get athletes tongue. 

*****

Fired White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci admitted in an interview that he wasn't cut out for the job. 

- The Mooch's first clue was getting fired after 10 days. 

*****

Samsung released a cryptic 37-second video promoting it's new Galaxy Note 8 which comes out next week. 

- They're really trying to get consumer's fired up about it. 

*****
Police in Texas are looking for a man who allegedly had sex with a neighbor's fence while in a drunken stupor and was videotaped by a woman on her Smart Phone. 

- Apparently this guy thinks that fences don't just make good neighbors, they make HOT neighbors. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Kim Jong Un just blinked... saying that he's decided against firing nuclear missiles at Guam, but has reserved the right to "change his mind if the foolish and stupid conduct of the Yankees continues". 

- I knew Dennis Rodman could get the job done! (U.S. General, Defense Secretary James Mattis'  comment that if KJU fired those missiles "It's Game On" obviously scared the pants off KJU... and those are some big pants. 

***** 

Meanwhile, some U.S. doctors say KJU's aggressive tendencies may be due to "Roid Rage" - claiming he takes steroids to treat Gout brought on by eating too much Cheese. 

-  Who knew the fate of the world could come down to a chunk of Velveeta. 

*****

A Denver DJ found guilty of groping Taylor Swift says he plans to appeal the verdict and claims Taylor lied about him putting his hand up her skirt. 

- Taylor said he can appeal all he wants but they are "never, ever, ever getting back together in court again". 

*****

The "Church of Cannabis" is now officially open in Denver. 

- But nobody showed up for Sunday services because they couldn't remember how to get there. 

- If you want to stop by, just look for the building with the statue of the Virgin Mary-Juana outfront. 

*****

Tom Cruise was injured during a stunt jump from one building to another on the set of the new Mission Impossible movie. 

- It wasn't the first time Tom has come up short. 

*****

Willie Nelson ended his Salt Lake City show early due to sickness from "high altitude". 

- Insert your own punchline. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Gone Fishin'... Trying to soak up every minute of Summer! Back tomorrow.

-Dick 

A giant inflatable Chicken with Golden Donald Trump-like hair was spotted next to the White House yesterday... but no one seems to know why it was there. 

- There hasn't been anything that big and inflated at the White House since President Trump's Ego moved in. 

*****

Democrats are criticizing President Trump for "talking too tough" to North Korea about their threats of Nuclear Force. 

- I guess they think if we just give "Lil Kim" a "Nuclear Participation Trophy" he'll leave us alone. 

*****

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has reportedly hired two of Hillary Clinton's pollsters to help him with a possible run for the Presidency. 

- Apparently he wants people who tell him he's a shoe-in right up until the moment he loses. 

*****

A British TV Network accidentally aired a newscast while an employee in the news room could be seen watching porn on his computer in the background. 

- They don't call it "Action News" for nothing. 

*****

Canada has sent 100 troops to the U.S. border to stop the surge of Haitian immigrants who've been trying to sneak into their country.

- They should just swim across the River like I did every day for the four years I worked at CKLW. 

***** 

The Academy of Motion Pictures has been criticized for electing a white man as their new President. 

- Why didn't they just go with Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway who did so well at last year's Oscars? 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick

RIP... Glen Campbell has died from complications of Alzheimer's at the age of 81. He gave us great songs including "By The Time I Get To Phoenix", "Wichita Lineman", "Galveston" "Rhinestone Cowboy" and my personal favorite, "Gentle On My Mind" just to name a few. He was also revered as a studio musician - who couldn't read music but was a brilliant "by ear" guitarist who played on hits for everyone from Frank Sinatra to The Beach Boys.

*****

The hot rumor in D.C. is that a major publisher has green-lit a book about the members of Congress. 

- The working title is "Great Un-Met Expectations".

*****

Kim Jong Un threatened to attack the U.S. territory Guam after President Trump said that any nuclear action by North Korea would be met with "fire and fury like the world has never seen". 

- This is starting to make the Cuban Missile Crisis seem like "The good old days". 

*****

Disney is denying claims that 42 of their apps are secretly collecting personal info about the kids that use them, and selling the info to advertisers. 

- But concerned parents say Mickey Mouse is now "The Lyin' King". 

*****

David Letterman has been signed to do a six-episode series on Netflix. 

- With that beard he's sporting now, it looks like he's been signed to do six episodes of "Duck Dynasty".  He'll play the part of "Grandpa Duck". 

*****

Scientists have confirmed that the vegetarian dinosaur "Patagotian Mayorum" which lived 100 million years ago and was as big as a Boeing 737 is the largest land animal ever discovered. 

- If you don't count Michael Moore. 

*****

Spike Lee is holding a rally for Colin Kaepernick outside the NFL Headquarters in NY because Colin hasn't been signed by any team. 

- If football doesn't want him... Kaepernick could always get a gig at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle doing Stand-up.  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Amazon is producing a movie based on the life of Lucille Ball.  

- The Amazon film will feature Lucy, Ricky and their trusted neighbors Fred & Alexa. 

*****

Larry King says he'd "Kill" to do the first interview with OJ Simpson when he's paroled in October. 

- Larry says he'd ask him the tough questions like "Do you plan on doing anymore "Airplane" sequels???"

*****

A University of Georgia Business Professor is allowing students to select their own grades if they feel overly stressed by the grades he gives them. 

- It's part of the college's "Make America Stupid Again" program. 

- How about parents pay what they want if they're too stressed by the school's high tuition??? 

*****

Google has fired an engineer who sent out a memo saying that women were "biologically" less likely to succeed in the tech industry. 

- What a Boob. 

- And just like that, that engineer is less likely to succeed "biologically" with women. 

*****

Al Gore's new movie about Global Warming only grosses $900,000 in it's first weekend. 

- Al was extremely disappointed but, hey, sometimes you gotta accept the Inconvenient Truth. 

*****

According to a new study, regularly getting less than 6 hours of sleep a night results in increased risk of obesity, depression, heart attacks and strokes. 

- Great. Something else to worry about while I'm tossing and turning tonight. 

*****

A restaurant in China named "Trendy Shrimp" is taking heat for offering female customers discounts based on their bra size... the bigger the cup, the bigger the discount. 

- And ladies who go au natural get a free order of "Almond Braless Chicken". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Half of the eight mayoral hopefuls on Detroit’s primary ballot next week have been convicted of felony crimes - Mike Duggan and Coleman Young Jr. NOT among them. 

- The tip-off came when officials noticed the felons are running under the slogan "Make Detroit Corrupt Again!" 

*****

A 10 year old boy named Frank sent President Trump a letter offering to mow the White House lawn "Free of charge" and even offered to bring his own weed whacker. 

- Former President Clinton issued a statement that while he owned a weed whacker during his time in the WH, he "never inhaled". 

*****

The Dreamland Wax Museum in Boston is being mocked on Social Media for it's Wax Statue of Patriots QB Tom Brady calling it "creepy" and "nightmare inducing". 

- Colin Kaepernick said that if they ever put up a statue of HIM like that, he won't stand for it. 

*****

A study out of UCLA found that pets are having a huge impact on global warming with both their high meat consumption and their "emissions". 

- So ladies, if your husband blames "global warming" on your dog... he might be telling the truth. 

*****

A growing number of studies have found that American companies are having trouble filling jobs because the applicants can't pass a drug test. 

- It's even true for Walmart Greeters, although to be fair, their tests just come back positive for Lipitor and Geritol. 

*****

According to researchers at the University of Buffalo, ancient Humans had sex with a species of "non-Humans" who were similar, but genetically very different. 

- To put it in modern terms, it's kind of like sleeping with Charlie Sheen. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

England's 96 year old Prince Phillip will officially retire from public duties this afternoon. 

- Yup, he's finally waving that gig goodbye. 

*****

According to a new report, Queen Elizabeth consumes 4 alcoholic beverages every day. 

- But that number goes way up when Prince Harry shows up with the Royal Beer Bong. 

- The Queen credits her daily "Metamucil Martini" for keeping her on the throne for so many years. 

*****

A Morning Consult Poll found that an overwhelming majority of Americans won't miss fired White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci. 

- It also found that nearly all Americans think Scaramucci is a new item on The Olive Garden's "Tour of Italy" menu.  

*****

Just days before the two will meet at an International Summit, Philippine President Duterte described North Korean leader Kim Jong Un as a "fool" and a "son of a bitch" with a "chubby face".

- The real story here is that it was the Philippine President who made the remarks, NOT President Trump. 

*****

OJ Simpson's former agent, who owns the infamous White Bronco from OJ's 1994 car chase is putting it up for sale for $700,000. 

- Interested buyers can contact him to arrange a Slow-Speed Test Drive. 

*****

A bride is Tennessee was arrested after pulling a gun out of her wedding dress and trying to shoot her new husband just hours after they exchanged vows. 

- She told cops in her family the bride always wears "Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, and a Loaded 22". 

- This is what happens when the Bride registers at Target. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

AUGUST??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I am officially declaring today July 32nd!

*****

The former site of a topless bar in Warren is being turned into a Dairy Queen. 

- Cones won't come small, medium and large... they'll be "B", "C" and "Double D". 

- Ironically, "Peanut Buster Parfait" was also the name of one of the dancers who used to work there. 

*****

President Trump fired White House Communications director Anthony Scaramucci after just 11 days on the job. 

- Scaramucci looks so much like a mobster, he should be happy he just got canned and not kissed on the lips and taken for a ride in a rowboat. 

*****

Despite the latest shake-up and continued leaks, Trump Tweeted that there is "No Chaos" at the White House. 

- Actually there was a guy named "Bob Chaos" but he got fired last week. 

*****

A new study found that blowing out the candles on a birthday cake increases the bacteria count by 1400%. 

- Thus the expression "You Can Have Your Cake and Get Sick From It Too". 

*****

A 34-year-old man was arrested TWICE on Sunday afternoon for walking naked through a Massachusetts town filled with shoppers and diners. 

- Apparently when the first cop told him to go home and put something on, he thought he meant Sunscreen. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Retired General John Kelly takes over for the fired Reince Priebus as President Trump's Chief of Staff today after serving as the head of Homeland Security. 

- Trying to manage Trump is going to make keeping ISIS out of America look like a cake walk. 

*****

Officials say a Spirit Airlines flight leaving Las Vegas was delayed after a passenger removed all their clothes while boarding.

- Apparently they thought the slogan was "What you Wear in Vegas Stays in Vegas". 

*****

Hot Dog eating champ Joey "Jaws" Chestnut  downed 92 tacos in 8 minutes and was crowned the Taco Eating World Champion at Taco Truck Throwdown 7 on Saturday.

- His arteries are more clogged than 696 during rush hour. 

- Joey should heed the old saying "Ask not for whom the Taco Bell tolls, it tolls for thee". 

*****

A new report claims that one pound of hamburger from your local grocery store can contain meat from up to 1000 different cows. 

- So if you want to know where the meat in your burger came from you have to log onto Ancestry.Cow. 

*****

After President Trump slammed China for doing nothing to stop North Korea's growing Nuclear Missile testing, China said Trump was acting like "a spoiled child". 

- Trump responded by tweeting "Oh yeah? Well your Mother wore army boots! SAD!"

*****

A man in Sweden died of a heart attack during surgery to enlarge his manhood. 

- Proving that like Football, Life is a game of inches. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos is about to replace Bill Gates as the World's Richest Man, with a net worth of $89.8 Billion. 

- He'll celebrate by saying "Alexa... Who's the richest man in the world?" over and over and over again. 

- He may be the Richest Man in the World, but he's still bald. 

*****

Politico is reporting that ABC is trying to sign former Trump Spokesperson Sean Spicer for the next season of Dancing With the Stars. 

- Well we know he already knows how to tap dance. 

- Or he could land a job as a judge on "Make America's Got Talent Great Again". 

*****

A new study found that Ben & Jerry's ice cream is made with an ingredient that's also found in weedkillers. 

- Which explains why I've never found any Crabgrass in my pint of "Chunky Monkey". 

- When I think Ben & Jerry's, I tend to think "Killer Weed" not "Weed Killer". 

*****

Rumor has it that Justin Bieber cancelled the rest of his World Tour in order to start his own Church. 

- It'll be the only Church in the world where you don't Sip the Sacramental Wine, you do Shots of it. 

*****

An Uber passenger posted a video of his Uber driver allegedly having sex with a woman in the front seat while he was driving the passenger around, and claims that when he complained, Uber offered him a $10 credit. 

- Ten bucks? I'm betting the woman in the front seat got paid more than that. 

*****

The fact checking website "Snopes" is trying to raise funds to keep from going bankrupt. 

- Apparently Snopes is passe since we have another source to determine what is real and what is Fake News... Donald Trump. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

President Trump told a rally in Youngstown, Ohio that "with the exception of the late, great Abraham Lincoln" he can be "more Presidential than any other President in US History". 

- So look for him to start referring to himself as "Honest Don". 

*****

This morning, Trump tweeted that there will be No Transgenders allowed in the Military. 

- And just like that Caitlyn Jenner's dream of serving in a foxhole with a bunch of guys in uniform goes up in smoke. 

*****

New research shows Sperm counts among Western men have plunged to a record low... falling by more than 50% in 40 years. 

- Experts blame chemicals found in everyday products... and the "New Math" which has made it harder to count the little guys accurately. 

*****

Experts warn that Iran is on the brink of attempting to launch a satellite into Space. 

- Our only hope is that North Korea fires a missile that shoots it down. 

*****

An International study found that contrary to popular belief, Money CAN buy happiness... as long as you spend it on things that save you time, like hiring a housekeeper. 

- They came to the conclusion by interviewing a Mr. A. Schwarzenegger.  

*****

Ann Arbor has been named the "Most Educated City in America". 

- Students in Columbus, Ohio were like, "That ain't true!"

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick  

Rumor has it that OJ Simpson will move to Florida when he's paroled in October. 

- It seems like the perfect place for a guy who likes to go on slow-speed drives. 

*****

Starting today, Tiger fans will be able to use fingerprint technology to get into Comerica Park. 

- They were going to use it at the concession stands too, but the mustard and nacho cheese sauce kept gunking up the scanner. 

*****

President Trump was greeted with shouts of "We Love Trump!" by nearly 40,000 people at the National Boy Scout Jamboree in West Virginia last night. 

- He got even bigger cheers when he handed out Merit Badges reading "Make Weenie Roasts Great Again". 

*****

President Trump's son-in-law Jared Kushner testified before a Congressional Committee yesterday and was asked repeatedly whether he had colluded with Russia during the election. 

- He responded, "Nyet! Nyet! A thousand times Nyet!"

*****

Top Dem. Chuck Schumer criticized former BFF Hillary Clinton for blaming others for her election loss and  unveiled a new slogan for the Democratic Party: "A Better Deal". 

- That replaces "A Bitter Deal" which is the slogan they've been using since November. 

*****

The Navy's newest Aircraft Carrier is ditching Urinals in favor of "Gender Neutral" traditional toilets to accommodate both male and female sailors. 

- So now before the male sailors let their "Anchors Aweigh"... they're gonna have to put the seat up first. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Welcome to a brand new week and a brand spankin' new Podcast... #219! Today Jackie and I are joined by one of our favorite guests, Tom Delisle, at the Purtan Dining Room Table. In our ongoing effort to be "entertaining", we share a bunch of entertainment stories from "This Business We Call Show" (yes, I once heard a singer say that on stage). Among them: My wife, Gail on "The Tonight Show"... We compare Prez Trump's speaking style to Rodney Dangerfield's (neither one gets any respect) ... the time I was introduced as "The one and only BOB Purtan!" at the State Fair... a joke about my former Radio sidekick, Tom Ryan - that nobody got... and a great story about the late Roger "James Bond" Moore - that will leave you stirred - if not shaken. 

And as we look back on 50th Anniversary of the Riots that changed Detroit forever, Tom - who was a reporter for the Free Press in the summer of '67 - shares an amazing story of what it was like to be riding a tank right in the thick of it.  

So join us as we take a look back at some things that made us laugh, some that shocked us, but all shaped who were are today. 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

According to the American Bar Association, there's been a dramatic increase of Attorney's who specialize in defending animals. 

- And they're not just talking about the attorney who will represent OJ at his parole hearing tomorrow. 

- Some are evening taking the cases Pro-Bone-O. 

*****

According to a new book, NJ Gov Chris Christie fell out of favor with the President because Trump is a "germaphobe" and was "grossed out" when he had to use Christie's phone. 

- Apparently Christie's phone was loaded with App...e-tizers. 

*****

Madonna has put a stop to an auction scheduled for today that was set to sell off 22 of her personal items including a pair of her panties. 

- She's just embarrassed because at almost 60, the underwear is listed as "A Lot More "Material Girl" Granny Panties". 

*****

Google is releasing 10 million genetically sterilized mosquitos in several states to combat diseases caused by the insect bites. 

- It was either that, or just call in a "SWAT Team". 

*****

Rosie O'Donnell is causing waves again by Tweeting a link to a game that allows players to "Push Donald Trump Off a Cliff" or "Into a Volcano" over and over again. 

- Remember the good old days when people expressed their unhappiness with the Prez by saying, "No... I Don't Like Ike". 

*****

A Seattle man has been arrested for DUI after crashing his car into a parking garage and admitting to cops he'd taken 5 "generic" Viagra Pills. 

- His family said despite the arrest, he's always been a real "stand up guy". 

- Police said after keeping him in a cell for longer than 4-Hours, they took him immediately to the hospital. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

After two more Republican Senators bailed on the Bill last night, the Republican replacement for Obamacare seems dead in the water. 

- Which is unfortunate, because "Dead in the Water" is NOT one of the conditions covered by Obamacare. 

*****

OJ Simpson is just two days away from a parole board hearing that could have him sprung from the slammer as early as October 1st. 

- The parole board better say "yes"...or heads are gonna roll. 

*****

On this day in 1925 the AAA declared that women drivers are every bit as competent drivers as men are. 

- Or Incompetent as men are. 

*****

Some very "peculiar signals" have been noticed coming from a star just 11 light years away according to astronomers. 

- Wait... wasn't Lady Gaga going on an Intergalactic Tour this summer? 

*****

A new survey shows the half all Americans have buyer's remorse about their house. 

- And 50% of Americans have buyer's remorse about who's living in the White House. 

*****

American Airlines is flat out denying reports that one it's flights was evacuated last week due to a passenger "breaking wind" and said the source of the unpleasantness was a mechanical glitch. 

- You know the old expression, "Beans, Beans the musical fruit... the more you eat, the more you're likely to have a mechanical glitch."

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Kid Rock may run for the the US Senate seat currently held by Debbie Stabenow. 

- We'll let you know if The Kid decides to throw his hat in the ring. 

******

Meanwhile, Caitlyn Jenner announced that SHE too is considering running for the US Senate. 

- Why not go for the White House? We could end up with our first Female President! 

*****

A study in Sweden found that having children is the most destructive thing a person can do to the environment. 

- Especially if your name happens to be "Kardashian" or "Donald Trump Jr.". 

*****

A new poll found that 70% of Americans think Donald Trump's Tweets are "unpresidential". 

- The most shocking part of this story is that it's only 70%. 

*****

Passengers on a United Airlines flight were evacuated complaining of nausea and headaches after one of their fellow fliers "passed gas" in the plane. 

- Why didn't somebody just open a window? 

- The man originally blamed it on his dog... but the airline confirmed the dog was traveling in the cargo hold. 

*****

The Senate in the Philippines is considering a bill that would send people to jail for a year for failing to sing the countries National Anthem with "sufficient energy". 

- Well there goes Colin Kaepernick's plans to spend his summer vacation in Manilla. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

For once, I'm at a loss for words! I don't know how to begin to thank all of you for your kind Birthday wishes and the wonderful memories you shared yesterday! And a special "shout out" to Larry Floyd, who left a comment and photoshopped my baby pic to make me a little more recognizable! Love it!!!

*****

Steve Whitmire is leaving his role as the voice of Kermit the Frog after 27 years. 

- He's leaving for health reasons... Apparently he's got a Frog in his throat. 

*****

A Trillion ton iceberg... bigger than the State of Delaware... has snapped off the Antarctic ice shelf.

- The NY Times blames the break on "Global Warming and Donald Trump Jr.'s Collusion with the Russian Government". 

*****

A lost dog made its way home to it's family after spending 9 months in the Idaho mountains. 

- No word yet on who will voice the dog in the Disney movie. 

*****

An Internal Medicine study found that drinking more coffee leads to a longer life. 

- Your life isn't actually longer... it's just that you're awake for a lot more of it. 

*****

On this day in 1543, England's King Henry VIII married his sixth and final wife, Catherine Parr, who outlived him. 

- She was going to remarry after Henry kicked the bucket, but decided to quit while she was ahead... and still had one. 

*****

Have a great day, thank you again, and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick