North Korean officials say they plan on test-firing nuclear missiles on "a weekly basis"; meanwhile Donald Trump said that Kim Jong Un has to "Behave". 

- It's like Trump is Austin Powers and KJU is Mini-Me. (Or even more like Fat Bastard)

*****

According to a new book, "Shattered: Inside Hillary Clinton's Doomed Campaign", then President Obama had to call Hillary twice on election night to tell her to concede. 

- Turns out she wasn't just ready for a 3am call... she was ready for another one at 3:15am as well. 

*****

21,000 people attended the Easter Egg Roll on the White House lawn Monday. 

- In a related story, Bill Clinton hosted his annual "Easter Egg Roll-In-The-Hay" in the backyard of his house in Chappaqua. 

*****

Researchers say that people are happiest at age 23 and 69. 

- Right up until the wealthy 69 year old man finds out that his hot 23 three year old 2nd wife is pregnant with twins. 

*****

A new study found that more frequent sex can increase women's memory and help men live longer. 

- Which is kind of a mixed blessing for guys. You may live longer, but your wife is going to remember everything that she thinks you ever did wrong. 

*****

A Traverse City boy was arrested for trying to choke his Mom after they argued about the lyrics to a Justin Bieber song. 

- It's kind of refreshing... Usually when the words "Arrested" and "Justin Bieber" are used in the same sentence, Justin's the one in jail. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Yesterday you opened your Easter Basket... Today you can open up a brand new Podcast - #216! If topics were Jelly Beans, Jackie and I offer up every flavor under the sun. From a review of Alec Baldwin's new book (startling details about his ex-wife Kim Bassinger) to a Top Ten list a friend of mine sent me, that unlike so many on the internet, is actually really funny -- especially if you're thinking about retirement. Plus, my search to find a barber who can give me the "Kim Jong Un" cut. 

So take some stress out of Tax Day by treating yourself to Podcast #216. It won't cost you a penny and I think you'll even find it full of Interest! 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Caitlyn Jenner claims that she's been "shut out" by the Kardashian family since transitioning from their Step-Dad to their Step-Mom, saying "Nobody calls anymore". 

- In the Kardashian girls defense, it's hard to get excited about shoe shopping with the woman who took you to the Daddy-Daughter Dinner Dance. 

*****

President Trump will host the President of China at his home in Mira Lago, Florida beginning later today. 

- When Trump found out the head of China's military would not attend the meeting, he Tweeted "General Tso's a CHICKEN!"

- Aides are worried about what he'll say since Trump tends to be "A Bull in a China Shop". 

*****

The New Zealand Postal Service is going to being home-delivering KFC fast food since actual mail delivery has been dwindling. 

- It's known as "Junk Food Mail". 

- Having KFC delivered to my door has always been on my Bucket List. 

*****

New York's State's highest court rule that police can seize your Facebook activity as evidence during a trial. 

- The people hit the hardest by the fb ruling will be Cat Burglars. 

*****

The Catholic Church is upset that candy maker Cadbury removed the word "Easter" from their annual Egg Hunt. 

- But they admitted they've got bigger fish to fry... and they'll be doing just that on Friday between 5 and 9pm! 

*****

A woman gave birth in the parking garage of a hospital in Fort Worth, Texas. 

- Her husband was going to drop her off at the front door, but it was blocked by protestors because of a Labor dispute. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick

Barry Manilow says he waited until he was in his 70's to publicly announce that he's gay and married to a man, because he "didn't want to disappoint female fans". 

- So now we know who he was hangin' out with during his "Weekend In New England". And it wasn't "Mandy". 

*****

Fashion Designers Dolce & Gabbana are being criticized for dressing Melania Trump in her first official portrait as First Lady. 

- There hasn't been this much ruckus over fashion-in-politics since J.C. Penney came under fire for dressing Mamie Eisenhower. 

*****

The U.S. says "The clock has run out" on verbal attempts to stop North Korea's Nuclear Missile Program and that "Everything is on the table". 

- Kim Jong Un says "Everything" is on his table too... but his looks more like an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. 

*****

A global survey found that Canadian babies cry more than infants in any other country. 

- You'd cry too if you had to drink milk while your Mom and Dad were throwing back a Labatts. 

- It's easy to spot the little Canucks... their the ones wearing Toques and wailing "Waaaaaaa, eh? Waaaaaaaa, eh?"

*****

New research shows that the number of Americans in their late twenties and early thirties that still live with their parents has more than doubled since 1980.  

- On the bright side, the "Basement Finishing Business" is booming. 

*****

A company in Sweden is implanting it's employees with microchips that allow them to buy food and open doors with a swipe of their hand, but also records how often they come to work and how long they spend in the bathroom. 

- Sounds like the Swedish are Fishing for info on their workers.  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

The Hollywood Wax Museum in Branson, Missouri is taking enough heat to melt it's exhibits for featuring wax figures of celebrities that visitors say are so bad, they're unrecognizable. 

- Kind of like Cher in real life. 

- BTW... That pic above is supposed to be of Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in "Titanic"? REALLY??? 

*****

A group of women in California dressed as Witches, danced around a cauldron and tried to put a hex on Donald Trump. 

- This is what happens when Barbra Streisand invites her girlfriends over for a glass of wine. 

- It was basically like an episode of "The View", but everybody wore a pointy black hat. 

*****

A new survey found that Millennials ranked Instagram as the most narcissistic form of social media. 

- And to show their disdain for it, they flooded Instagram with thousands of "unhappy face" selfies. 

*****

Alec Baldwin says he's going to retire his ratings-grabbing impersonation of Donald Trump on SNL when the show's season ends in May. 

- In other words, Alec wants a raise. 

*****

Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Cowboys, is calling for an end to league rules against players smoking pot. 

- Should be fun watching the smoke rise every time the players go into the huddle. 

*****

A major survey found that 63% of people over the age of 70 are happier than at any other point in their lives.

- Women credit the "Joys of being a grandparent" while the Men gave credit to "A Little Blue Pill". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Play Ball! The Tiger's kick off the 2017 season when they face White Sox in Chicago this afternoon... but heavy rains may delay the game... which can only mean one thing: Your first chance this year to watch reruns of the '68 and/or '84 Tiger World Series Championship Games! 

*****

President Trump says that if China won't step in and stop the North Korean Nuke Program, "We will". 

- Apparently he's not satisfied with China's plan to win KJU over with promises of "delicious chicken with Chef's special sauce!"

- Trump sent out a tweet calling the Chinese government "Almond Boneless and Spineless Chickens!"

*****

Joe Louis Arena made international news over the weekend, after comedian Mike Epps brought a live Kangaroo on stage during his show, outraging animal activists. But "Skippy" got the last laugh by punching Epps in the face. 

- Epps later apologized and treated Skippy to dinner at the Outback Steakhouse. 

- I thought kangaroos only showed up at Hip-Hop shows. 

*****

Social Media went crazy claiming that Kim Kardashian was "attacked" by a man outside a restaurant in L.A. But Kim tweeted that the man had simply walked into a nearby "Parking Meater" by accident.  

- Yes... "Parking Meater". It seems Kim's lack of talent extends to spelling. 

*****

Happy Birthday to Doris Day who was supposed to be turning 93 today... but the recent discovery of a copy of her Birth Certificate proved that she's actually 95. 

- Doris said, "Que Sera, Sera. However Old You'll Be, You'll Be". 

*****

A small study shows that drinking a cup of coffee 5 minutes before you take a 15 minute nap will make you feel more alert when you wake up. 

- Also during the 15 minutes you're lying there unable to fall asleep. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Despite a fierce appearance and violent reputation, scientists now claim that T-Rex Dinosaurs were actually "sensitive lovers" who used their noses to touch their mates during foreplay. 

- They say no such evidence exists of other Dinosaurs, including Larry King, being that romantic. 

*****

New York Magazine is reporting that three separate sources claim that after listening to President Trump's Inaugural Address, former Prez George W. Bush muttered, "That was some weird S----!"

- This is what happens when you hire Kanye West to write your speech. 

*****

Fox News is being criticized for reporting "Breaking News" that President Trump was working at the White House last weekend instead of golfing. 

- Meanwhile, MSNBC is being criticized for reporting "Breaking News" that Trump was actually working out of the Kremlin before playing 18 holes at "Putin's Putt Putt Emporium".  

*****

Police in an Alabama town were surprised when a handgun fell... well from where the sun don't shine... during a cavity search of a man arrested for public intoxication. 

- He's lucky the only shots he took were from a bottle of Jack Daniels. 

- This once happened to Kim Kardashian... but the gun was an AK47. 

*****

A new study finds that just two hours spent on Social Media like Facebook and Twitter doubles a person's risk of feeling socially isolated. 

- Trump agreed and immediately Tweeted, "SAD". 

- On the bright side, you can get some great recipes for Slow-Cooker Pig's Feet Parmesan. 

*****

A suit worn by John Lennon in 1964 is hitting the auction block with bidding set to begin at $50,000. 

- Paul says it was one of his favorites and that he wore it "Here, There, and Everywhere". 

*****

A scientist in India says he has invented the first male contraceptive in 100 years... a reversible injection that renders sperm inactive. 

- The last time a swimmer was rendered inactive was when Ryan Lochte made up that "I was robbed at gunpoint" story at the Rio Olympics.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Hey... it's Tuesday! How about a Podcast? Since Jackie and I actually have the equipment working (and I forgot I had a dentist appointment this morning)... we proudly present Podcast #215. In it, I'll tell you about a movie that I've seen probably 25 times but had no idea what the plot actually was until this weekend. It happens to be the same movie that Jackie refuses to watch to this day because it scared her when she was a little girl. We also talk about the recent deaths of Detroit TV Newsmen Rich Fisher and Ron Savage, as well "The Gong Show" host (and self-professed CIA operative) Chuck Barris. 

There's lots more... but there's a Dentist's chair waiting with my name on it. 

So sink your teeth into Podcast #215. I promise... you won't need novocaine to get through it! 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday... 

-Dick

President Trump told Time Magazine that he's an "instinctual person" and that his instincts "always turn out to be right". 

- You know, like his instinct that the House would overwhelmingly pass his plan to overturn Obamacare.

He also said he expects to break Richard Nixon's record for most appearances on the cover of Time Magazine. 

- You can listen to the whole interview online... well, except for the mysterious 18 1/2 minute gap in the tape that was "accidentally" erased. 

*****

Harrison Ford called himself a "schmuck" after accidentally buzzing a passenger jet and landing his private plane on a busy taxiway at a California airport recently. It's his third "mishap" as a pilot. 

- Look for him in the upcoming movie "Indiana Jones & The Pilot of Doom". 

*****

A survey by the National Coffee Association found that 63% of Americans drink one cup of coffee a day. 

- In a related story, the National Enquirer claims Mrs. Folger is having an affair with a man identified as a Mr. J. Valdez. 

*****

A British woman claims she found a diamond inside her hardboiled egg. 

- So we finally know why the chicken crossed the road... He was trying to get his diamond back so he could propose to the Chick he's dating. 

*****

On this day in 1512, Ponce de Leon first sighted what's now known as Florida. 

- He knew he'd found Florida when he saw a sign for Denny's reading "Salisbury Steak 1/2 Off During Early Bird Special!"

*****

A 96 year old woman and her 89 year old husband were wheeled to the wrong gate at a Florida airport and wound up flying to New York instead of Michigan. 

- On the bright side, they were really impressed with Detroit's new skyline! 

*****

A new study by Credit.com found that when they die, nearly 75% of Americans are $62,000 in debt. 

- So it's true... "You Can't Take It With You"... especially if you don't have any.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

In response to President Trump's proposed cutting of funding to Public Television, a video of Elmo being fired from Sesame Street has gone viral. 

- Elmo claims Trump is a just a "Puppet" for Vladimir Putin. 

- This story brought to you by the letters P-I-N-K and S-L-I & P. 

*****

Senate Republicans are expected to vote today on their Obamacare replacement. 

- The last time people voted on an Obama replacement, Trump ended up winning the election. 

*****

An unidentified overseas group claims they have hacked into 300 Million iPhones and told Apple they will "begin deleting all info" on the affected phones if they don't get $100,000. 

- Only $100,000??? Who's behind this? Dr. Evil???

*****

Board game giant Hasbro is producing a Broadway show called "Monopoly: The Musical". 

- Casting has just begun, but Pamela Anderson has already snagged the role of "Community Chest". 

*****

A 58 year old woman in Troy sent over $700,000 dollars to a man she "fell in love" with (but never met) on Match.com who doesn't even exist. 

- She says she's "embarrassed and humiliated" and added "still on the market!". 

*****

A soccer player in Ghana accidentally thanked both his wife and his girlfriend after winning a Championship Game.  

- Both women ran on the field and attacked him... but in keeping with the rules... neither of them used their hands. 

*****

Diane Sawyer will sit down for a follow-up with Caitlyn Jenner about her life as a woman next month. 

- In a related story... Caitlyn is denying rumors that she's in talks to become one of the ladies on "The View". 

*****

The NCAA Sweet Sixteen gets underway today... Good luck to #7 Michigan as they take on #3 Oregon. GO BLUE!!!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick  

A "Wheel of Fortune" contestant had one of the most epic fails in the show's history last night when he missed the name of a famous Tennessee William's play with just one letter to go. He needed an "M"... but guessed a "K". 

- That reminds me of the time when a woman had the entire puzzle revealed, "General Motors Corporation" and she solved it as "General Motors COOPERATION". (True!) 

- Producers said they should have known something was up, when during rehearsal he "solved" an "Occupation" puzzle as "SEXOPHONE PLAYER". 

*****

"The Gong Show" host Chuck Barris, who also invented "The Dating Game" and "The Newlywed Game", and wrote the song "Palisades Park" has died of natural causes at the age of 86. 

- Another celebrity... Gong too soon. 

*****

Jane Fonda left both host Ellen DeGeneres and thousands of viewers speechless when she pulled out a Vibrator during an appearance on the show and credited her healthy sex life to the phrase "If you don't use it, you lose it". 

- She hasn't shocked this many people since that famous pic of her sitting with the Viet Cong on an anti-aircraft gun.  

*****

A Bill in Illinois that would have made former President Obama's Birthday, August 4, a statewide holiday failed to pass by 6 votes. 

- Must be those crazy Russians again! 

*****

A new study shows that dogs are capable of lying to their owners. 

- But researchers say the lies are hard to Spot. (Bada Boom!) 

*****

Hungarian scientists have developed a 5-minute test to determine if someone is addicted to porn. 

- 5 minutes? That doesn't even give you enough time to figure out the plot.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Arnold Schwarzenegger posted a video on Twitter trashing President Trump, his "Apprentice" predecessor, for his low public approval rating. 

- Arnold made the video in his living room... Then met his Maid in the bedroom. 

*****

The Trump Administration is looking for bids for the construction of the 30-foot border wall. 

- No matter who wins the contract, the construction guys are gonna start the job, leave a big mess, then not return Trumps phone calls. 

*****

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz will step down from his position on April 2nd. 

- He says he's nervous about not having another job... then again it might just be the caffeine. 

- His retirement package is reportedly worth $10 Million. Put another way, that's the equivalent of 13 Venti Half-Caf Caramel Lattes. 

*****

North Korea released a new propaganda video showing their military blowing up a U.S. Aircraft Carrier. 

- Sounds like Kim Jong Un got a new photoshop program for his iPhone. 

*****

A British study found that Global Warming may be shrinking the size of mammals. 

- Didn't we all learn on Seinfeld that it's Cold NOT Warmth that causes Shrinkage??? 

*****

Google is altering its search criteria to better identify content that is factually incorrect or misleading. 

- The guy in charge of weeding out the "Fake News" is a Mr. Brian Williams of NBC. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

SPRING HAS SPRUNG!!! The Grass is Riz!!!!! I wonder wear my Speedo Is!!!!! (That'll be the day...) 

*****

The President of Uber quit saying that his vision for the company clashes with Uber's  practices. 

- He had to give back his company car... so I have no idea how the guy got home. 

*****

FBI Director James Comey is giving a televised press conference today to address allegations of Russian interference in the U.S. Election, and also Trump's claim that Obama wiretapped his phones. 

- I haven't been this excited about a TV Show since last week's episode of "Say Yes To The Dress!" 

*****

The Secret Service continues to look for a laptop that was stolen from one of their cars on Friday. 

- The computer allegedly contains Top Secret Intel like the agents NCAA Bracket. (Speaking of that... Michigan wins Round 2. MSU knocked out). 

*****

Meanwhile, The FBI has located Tom Brady's Super Bowl Jersey in a foreign country six weeks after it was stolen from his locker by someone "posing as an international journalist". 

- America's Top Ten Most Wanted Criminals are still roaming the streets, but I think we can all sleep better knowing Tom has his Jersey back. 

*****

A British study found that Global Warming may be shrinking the size of mammals. 

- Didn't we all learn on Seinfeld that it's Cold NOT Warmth that causes Shrinkage??? 

*****

Hungarian scientists have developed a 5-minute test to determine if someone is addicted to porn. 

- 5 minutes? That doesn't even give you enough time to figure out the plot.

*****

Google is altering its search criteria to better identify content that is factually incorrect or misleading. 

- The guy in charge of weeding out the "Fake News" is a Mr. Brian Williams of NBC. 

*****

According to a new study, Millennials are having less sex than their parents did at their age. 

- And their parents are now having less sex, because their Millennial kids are still living at home. 

*****

RIP Chuck Berry... The legendary Rock & Roll pioneer has died at the age of 90 after a career than spanned decades and gave us hits including "Maybelline", "Johnny B. Goode", "No Particular Place to Go" and "My Ding-a-Ling". (Chuck is probably up there Ringing the Ding-A-Ling Bell trying to get through the Heavenly Gates right now.)

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

"March Madness" officially gets underway today.

- On the Democrat Calendar it follows "Furious February" and "Trump-is-a-Jerk January".

*****

Former President Obama released his bracket for the NCAA Championship Series... picking UNC as the big winner, but President Trump declined to release his picks.  

- But worry not... Rachel Maddow will release Trump's Bracket LIVE tonight at 9pm. It'll be his bracket from 2005, but still.  

*****

President Trump released his long-anticipated budget this morning, which calls for a defunding of NPR. 

- I hope he realizes this means NPR is going to start featuring shows that criticize everything he does. Oh, wait... 

He's also proposed cutting funds to Public Television which produces shows including "Sesame Street". 

- Bert & Ernie were unavailable for comment as they were attending a "Dressed in Green & Gay On St. Patrick's Day!" Parade.  

*****

One of the tech guru's at Google says that by 2029 we will all have computers in our brains that will a make us smarter and sexier. 

- I don't want a computer in my brain... I just want a way to remember where I put the TV remote control. 

- So basically you'll end up calling an IT guy in India to say "My wife is running slow and I can't get her to download dinner". 

*****

A German study found that 97% of people who view the Mona Lisa painting believe she looks "Happy". 

- The other 3% thought it was a profile picture they'd seen on match.com. 

*****

Gwyneth Paltrow recently took to her website "Goop" to tell women to burn their bras because they could "carry negative energy and memories of your failed relationships". 

- It may sound weird, but it still sounds better than what Lorena Bobbitt did. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

MSNBC's Rachel Maddow made a huge deal last night out of the fact that she had exclusively obtained Donald Trump's tax return. It turned out to be from 2005 and showed thatTrump paid a tax rate of 25%... giving the IRS $38 Million on earnings of $150 Million... a higher rate than MSNBC paid (24%). President Obama paid 19%, and Bernie Sanders 13%. 

- Rachel Maddow addressed the gaffe this morning at a media breakfast where she ate toast and the egg off her face. 

*****

On the other side of the Pond, Prince William left wife Kate Middleton and the kids at home for a weekend of dancing and partying with super models at a London nightclub.

- William waved off rumors that he was straying. Then again, he might just have been waving out of Royal habit. 

*****

A decades-long study found that people who have children live at least 2 years longer than their childless counterparts. 

- This means Angelina Jolie is gonna live forever. 

*****

Despite having her fashion line dropped by major retailers like Nordstrom, Ivanka Trump has seen a dramatic spike in sales of her clothes and shoes. 

- In a related story, "The Hillary Clinton Pantsuit Collection" barely has a leg to stand on. 

*****

The London Daily Mail is reporting that Kim Kardashian and her husband Kanye West went to a movie together. 

- A film crew was sent along to make a documentary about the date called "Really Dumb and Seriously Dumber". 

*****

A new study found that the best way to battle depression is to stay away from negative thoughts. 

- Put another way: Deactivate your Facebook account. 

*****

The National Enquirer is reporting that Marilyn Monroe once had a one-night-stand with actress Joan Crawford that ended in an epic feud. 

Apparently Joan got mad when Marilyn broke it off saying,  "Gentlewomen Prefer Blondes".

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

A new book called "The Bandstand Diaries" claims that most dancers on "American Bandstand" were gay, but Dick Clark kept it a secret because he thought it would hurt ratings. 

- As proof, producers say there were more hair styling products in the boys dressing room than the girls.  

*****

Trump aide Kellyanne Conway is taking major heat for saying the Democrats could have turned "microwaves into cameras" in Trump Tower to spy on her boss during the election. 

- And to think I can't even keep the clock on my microwave from blinking 12:00. 

- They also allegedly used the microwave to spy on Chris Christie, but he used it so much to reheat burritos, all the pictures were blurry. 

*****

A man in Maryland has created a snowplow using a motor, a snow-blower and a toilet - which he says works great up to 6 inches. 

- For 5 extra bucks, he'll even sign his work by writing his name in the snow. 

*****

The Kremlin has called a CNN documentary that claimed the Russians hacked into our election to insure a Trump victory "Hysterical". 

- And if anybody knows "funny", it's the people who brought us the KGB, The Berlin Wall and the Cold War. 

*****

The huge Nor'Eastern that was supposed to dump up to two feet of snow on DC turned out to be a bust. 

- However DC, as usual, is covered by two feet of Bull. 

*****

The body of Kim Jong Un's murdered brother has been embalmed in Malaysia because relatives in North Korea are too afraid to claim it for fear they'll be killed too. 

- If the press airs any more of KJL's dirty laundry, he's gonna have to head to the J.C. Penny Boy's Department for some new clothes. 

- KJU reminds me of John Boy Walton... except after saying goodnight to everybody, he has 'em whacked. 

*****

A new study found that the best way to battle depression is to stay away from negative thoughts. 

- Put another way: Deactivate your Facebook account. 

*****

The National Enquirer is reporting that Marilyn Monroe once had a one-night-stand with actress Joan Crawford that ended in an epic feud. 

- Apparently Joan got mad when Marilyn broke it off saying,  "Gentlewomen Prefer Blondes". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

First Daughter Ivanka Trump is so popular in China that thousands of Chinese women are getting plastic surgery so they can look like her. 

- It's expensive, but luckily the womens' 5-yer-old kids bring in a pretty good salary from their factory jobs making Ivanka's dresses. 

*****

On this day in 1781, Sir William Herschel discovered the planet Uranus. 

- Scientists recently discovered two giant moons circling the planet which they've named "Kim" and "Kardashian". 

*****

The Secret Service nabbed an intruded who was trying to sneak into the White House on Saturday morning. 

- Lucky for Hillary, they let her off with a warning. 

*****

Forecasters are asking people on the East Coast to stay home tomorrow in anticipation of an expected blizzard. 

- Democrats are accusing President Trump of colluding with Mother Nature to keep protesters at home. 

*****

Meanwhile Trump is taking heat from Democrats and the media for firing 46 Federal Prosecutors appointed by President Obama, but they're failing to mention that Bill Clinton fired 96 prosecutors when he took office. 

- With Bill's track record with women, you want to get rid of all the prosecutors you can. 

*****

Magician Chris Angel fainted while trying to escape a straight jacket, forcing producers to cancel his Las Vegas show 10 minutes after it started. 

- Producers said Chris "couldn't move a muscle" which is exactly what audience members in the theater next store said about Cher's face, but her concert went on without a hitch. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

For the first time ever, Hollywood heavy hitters Meryl Streep and Tom Hanks will appear in a film together.

- No word yet on which accent Meryl will use. 

- The movie is tentatively being called "Sleepless In Madison County". 

*****

The latest issue of the ISIS months magazine offers up relationship advice warning women not to talk badly about their husbands or "co-wives" in public because Allah doesn't like it. 

- Look for next months cover story: "Spice Up Your Sex Life With A Sexy To-Die-For Suicide Vest!"

*****

Meanwhile military sources says ISIS has created a children's book that explains terrorism and recruits kids to the cause. 

- It's called "Curious George Joins the Jihad!".

*****

Despite having her fashion line dropped by major retailers like Nordstrom, Ivanka Trump has seen a dramatic spike in sales of her clothes and shoes. 

- In a related story, sales of "The Hillary Clinton Pantsuit Collection" are on the decline. 

*****

Courtney Love put up a Facebook post claiming that Marlon Brando is her Grandfather! Why?  Because he was living in the same building as her Grandmother when her mother was conceived. 

- That sound you hear is Ancestry.com blowing up. 

*****

Former President Obama has reportedly told friends that his relationship with Donald Trump is "unraveling". 

- Who among us hasn't lost a friend when we found out they were tapping our phone???

*****

Scientist have announced that it's possible for Potatoes to grow on Mars. 

- Tom Cruise was like, "Duh... What do you think I eat when I visit my Scientology Time-Share Vacation Home there???".

- Apparently they just came across some old photos sent back by Spud-nik. 

*****

Spend time tidying up clutter before guests arrive? Don't. A new study shows a messy house can make visitors feel better about their own less-than-perfect homes. 

- Unless, of course that "guest" is your mother-in-law, in which case you are screwed no matter what. 

*****

Breaking news... J-Lo is dating A-Rod. 

- The big question now is what do we call them? J-Rod? A-Lo? 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick

Jimmy Buffett announced that he's opening a $1 Billion retirement community in Daytona Beach, Florida. 

- He's calling it "Margarita-With-Metamucil-Ville". 

*****

The biggest Wikileaks document dump so far claims the CIA can hack into our Smartphones and even TV's to eves drop on what we're saying, doing, and watching. 

- I don't mind that the Government knows I watch "Jeopardy"... but it ticks me off that they know I only get about 10% of the questions right. 

*****

Woman across America are being encouraged to strike by staying home from work today and wearing Red to show solidarity during  "A Day Without Women".

- So today, for the first time in history, absolutely Nothing Will Happen In Vegas That Needs to Stay in Vegas.  

*****

The U.S. added a whopping 300,000 jobs in the month of February. 

- On the down side, most  of them are categorized as "Professional Unpaid Anti-Trump Protestors". 

*****

A YouGov survey found that 94% of Americans know what a "selfie" is.  

- And the other 6% think it's something that will make you go blind. 

*****

An Oregon State University study found that people are more productive at work if they've had sex the night before. 

- In a related story, Bill Clinton was just named "The Most Productive President in American History". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Barbra Streisand says that Donald Trump's Presidency has caused her to gain weight. 

- Barry Gibb says Barbra still looks "great" and has "Nothing to Feel Guilty Of". 

- Her manager says it's gotten so bad, even her husband James Brolin is now calling "Babs", "Flabs". 

- Look for her new singles "You Don't Bring Me Power Bars Anymore".

*****

Richard Simmon's publicist says that a new Podcast Series which claims Simmons is being held hostage by his female housekeeper is a "Load of crap" and that Richard has chosen to leave the public eye. 

- The last celeb to be captivated by a housekeeper was Arnold Swarzenegger, but unlike "The Terminator", I don't see Richard ending up with a "Love Child". 

*****

President Trump unveiled his new travel ban on Monday, and it no longer includes Iraq. 

- George W. Bush and Dick Cheney immediately re-booked their "Looking For Weapons Of Mass Destruction" Getaway to Baghdad. 

*****

The TSA announced that their pat downs are going to get more invasive after a study found that weapons were slipping past security. 

- If their pat downs get anymore invasive, agents are going to have to start sending passengers flowers the morning after their flights. 

*****

Meanwhile a Russian model claims she was recently detained at LAX airport in L.A. because they thought she was a spy. 

- Turns out her boobs were so big, they wanted to charge her for overweight carry-on baggage.

*****

The Defense Department is investigating a report that several Marines created a secret Facebook page to share photos of naked female Marines. 

- The DoD stumbled on the pics when they found a page called "Not All Of Us Are Looking For a Few Good Men". 

- Some are claiming this is "Fake News", but the truth is... You Can't Handle The Truth! 

*****

A Neilsen survey found that Donald Trump's joint address to Congress beat the Oscars in the ratings, 44 million to 33 million. 

- But the Oscars had a way more exciting ending. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick