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From the Purtan family to You and Yours… Happy 4th of July!

Have a Safe, Happy & Healthy Holiday Weekend!

-Dick

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A Broadway producer says he’s been given the green light for “Liberace: The Musical”.

- His original choice had been “My Fair Lady”… but then he realized it was already taken.

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A 35-year-old Sheboygan man was sentenced to 150 days in jail for clogging women's toilets with empty soda bottles… something he says he just “had the urge to do”.

- His soda bottle of choice? Squirt.

*****

Reservations to Taco Bell’s new hotel in Palm Springs sold out in two minutes.

- It’s the only hotel in history where the maid turns down your bed and leaves a bottle of Gas X on the pillow.

*****

Arby’s is putting a new twist on the “Burgers made from Vegetables” trend by announcing the release of “Megetables” - Vegetables made out of meat - including a carrot make out of turkey.

- There hasn’t been this much confusion about where something comes from since McDonald’s introduced the McNuggets.

*****

Kim Kardashian is going to rename her “Kimono” fashion line after being criticized for cultural appropriation.

- In a related story, a group of Baboons is criticizing Kim’s butt for the same thing.

*****

Joe Biden’s son Hunter told “The New Yorker” that first, he hooked up with his sister-in-law after going on a crack binge and then he married his new wife just one week after he met her.

- This guy makes Billy Carter seem like a campaign asset.

- Hunter’s got a real eye for the ladies. While his Dad, Joe has a real NOSE for the ladies.

*****

Thomas Jefferson’s birthday, April 13, will no longer be a holiday in the Founding Father’s hometown of Charlottesville, Virginia because Jefferson was a slave owner in the 1700’s.

- NOTE: He also happened to write the Declaration of Independence!!

*****

Have a great 3rd of July and I’ll see you back here on the 4th!

-Dick

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President Trump became the first sitting U.S. President to step foot into North Korea when he met with Kim Jong-Un in the DMZ.

- Turns out Trump went there by mistake. He thought he was there for the sale on Golf Shoes at DSW.

*****

While in North Korea, Trump invited Kim Jong-Un to visit the White House this fall.

- But Lil Kim had to turn him down, since he’s do back in Middle School at the end of August.

*****

Rosie O’Donnell says that “The View”’s Meghan McCain should “stop being mean” to her co-host Joy Behar because Behar is “a living legend”.

- If Joy Behar is a living legend, I’m the Pope.

*****

NASA confirmed reports that it plans to open the International Space Station to tourism in 2020.

- And you thought the Jet Lag flying to Europe was bad.

******

A video of a Grandpa in Cincinnati getting crazy-excited when his Granddaughter gave him tickets to a Lady Gaga concert has gone viral.

- It’s not that he likes her music, it’s just that her meat dress is the closest his cardiologist will let him get to red meat.

*****

Oprah says her new favorite way to relax is by sipping a cocktail called “Maui in December” that requires a grill, a blender, a fine-mesh sieve, a canning jar and a martini glass and takes 8 hours to make.

- Or you can just crack open a beer.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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A political website posted a surprising poll last night that showed Rep. Tulsi Gabbard of Hawaii as the overwhelming victor of the first Democratic presidential debate.

- Which begs the question: Who’s Tulsi Gabbard?? (She’s actually an ex Air Force Fighter Pilot)

*****

According to the poll, Elizabeth Warren came in second place.

- Making her the #2 woman on the Totem Pole.

*****

Beto O’Rourke received very few votes, despite answering several questions in English AND Spanish.

- He’s the only candidate who can apologize in two languages.

*****

President Trump watched the debate on his way to Japan and tweeted, “BORING!”

- This is the first time a sitting President has ever tweeted “BORING” while on a “BOEING”.

*****

According to a new poll by NPR-IBM, 84% of Americans are angrier today compared with a generation ago.

- Is it just me or do all these polls make you mad??

*****

A Temperance, Michigan man is facing 50 felony counts for allegedly recording other men as they relieved themselves in the bathroom at the bowling alley where he worked.

- Police became suspicious when photos of the men were leaked online.

*****

OJ Simpson tweeted that when the press camped outside his house, Michael Jackson called and invited him to hide out at Neverland - which he did. Repeatedly.

- Let’s see… A Murderer and a Pedophile getting together for a sleep over. What could go wrong?

*****

Michigan lost the College World Series Baseball Championship to Vanderbilt last night by losing the best-of-3 final game, 8-2.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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The first Democratic Presidential Debate takes place tonight. The debates will only be on NBC, MSNBC and Telemundo and get underway at 9pm.

- Did organizers not realize that’s the exact same time that “The Bachelor” is on???

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President Trump will be in the air heading for a summit in Japan during the Debate tonight, but experts say he’ll be watching it on Air Force One and will probably be Tweeting.

- Like we needed an “expert” to figure that one out.

*****

British scientists have discovered that insomnia may be genetic.

- On a bright note… Your parents inability to fall asleep may be the reason you’re here in the first place.

*****

Newly released footage shows the two Nigerian brothers covering their faces in the back seat of a taxi on their way to meet Jussie Smollett for the staged attack in Chicago.

- He hasn’t paid for his Crimes, but at least he paid for the Taxi Ride.

*****

Kim Kardashian shared an image of herself reclining on top of a White House table during her Monday visit.

- I’m betting it was a rear End Table.

*****

Michigan lost to Vanderbilt last night, so the Series is tied 1-1. The winners of tonight’s game will be the College World Series Champions. Game time: 7pm on ESPN. GO BLUE!!!!!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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Researchers at U of M found that people who meditate or listen to music in their Doctor’s waiting room remembered more details about what the Doc told them during their appointment.

- And people who listen to two of my all-time NON-favorite oldies: “Loving You” by Minnie Ripperton and “Midnight at the Oasis” by Maureen Maldaur won’t care whether they live or die.

*****

Space experts now say all-female astronaut crews could reproduce in space without the help of men thanks to “Space Sperm Clinics”.

- Thus NASA’s new slogan: “Going Where No Man Has To Go Again”.

*****

With the first Democratic debate just one day away, Political strategists say Bernie Sanders is trying to stand out in the Democratic field by being “the most progressive” which makes Elizabeth Warren look “reasonable”.

- That’s like saying Stormy Daniels looks like “The Girl Next Door”.

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An online Knitting website is banning users from posting pics of any projects they knit that support President Trump.

- So if you’re Grandma’s a Trump fan and you plan on going over the river and through the woods to visit her today, she’s probably gonna be in a bad mood.

*****

The FDA has approved a new drug that will instantly increase a woman’s sex drive - and last for three hours.

- Question: What’s she’s gonna do with the extra 2 hours and 57 minutes??

*****

U of M plays Vanderbilt for the College Baseball World Series Championship in Game 2 tonight. If Michigan Wins… they WIN IT ALL!!!!! Go Blue!!!!!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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Today, Bernie Sanders is expected to announce his plan to cancel ALL STUDENT LOAN DEBT totaling an astounding $1.6 TRILLION.

- If Bernie’s plan sounds viable to you… chances are you flunked math.

*****

Hasbro announced that’s it’s newest version of Monopoly will do away with cash and have players making payments using an Alexa-like device shaped like a Tophat.

- They also announced that in the new version the “Community Chest” will be known as “Madonna”.

*****

Roseanne Barr and Andrew Dice Clay have teamed up for the “Mr. and Mrs. America” comedy tour.

- These two will make Lenny Bruce and George Carlin look like Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.

*****

A man was arrested Friday for hiding a camera in the Women’s bathroom on the set of the new James Bond movie.

- If they do a Bond movie based on the incident I’m betting it will be called “Gold Plunger”, “A View to a Jill” or “The Spy Who Filmed Me”.

*****

A woman who claims she was left behind and trapped in a “cold dark” Air Canada plane after sleeping through the landing says she suffers from recurring nightmares.

- By the way… She was the pilot.

*****

A man stripped naked at Detroit Metro Airport and tried to sneak past security.

- Police on the scene said “He loved to fly… and it showed”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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A survey by the Wall Street Journal found that a growing number of retirees are attending “Sleep Away Camps” that offer canoeing, aerobics and archery.

- One Retiree said “it was great” …until no one showed up for parents weekend.

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Airlines are closer to adopting “SkyRider Seats” where passengers sit on a cushioned “saddle” with their Legs and feet dangling off the sides - like riding a horse.

- Just when you thought airline seats couldn’t get any more uncomfortable…

- Instead of announcing “Prepare for Take-off” the pilot just yells “Giddy-Up!”

*****

Joy Behar and Meghan McCain got into a shouting match on “The View” Wednesday with McCain calling Behar a “B***h” after Behar said Trump supporters hate “Black people and Immigrants”.

- I wish Joy and Meghan would make like Thelma and Louise and drive over a cliff.

*****

Experts say the World’s Population will stop growing by the beginning of 2100.

- You mean the world’s NOT gonna end in 12 years like AOC said???

*****

Lindsay Lohan lashed out at the NY Post after they reported that the Beach Resort she owns is closing -saying she did it so she can concentrate on opening “Lindsayland” resort in Dubai.

- Lindsayland will feature a roller coaster called “Spaced Out Mountain” and an Open Bar.

- Wow. This makes Micheal Jackson’s “Neverland” seem almost normal.

*****

According to a new poll, nearly 40% of 18-24 year olds say they haven’t applied deodorant or antiperspirant in the last month.

- Which isn’t as bad as it sounds since they rarely do anything that makes them work up a sweat.

*****

Mick Jagger is back to performing after heart surgery earlier this year, but an insider claims he has three doctors traveling with him at all times and he wears a heart monitor while on stage.

- If he needs a defribulator Mick is supposed to yell, “START ME UP!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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NASA has released s short list of female astronauts who could become the first woman to walk on the moon.

- It’ll be a Small Step for Man… and a Giant Leap for High Heels.

*****

Steven Spielberg released the cast photo from his remake of “West Side Story”.

- In his version, thousands of illegal immigrants run across the border singing “I Like To Be In America!”

- And in keeping with Diversity, Tony falls in love with a girl named Maria who identifies as a guy named Manuel.

*****

The Broadway play “Hillary & Clinton” which producers say “Takes place in an alternate universe and centers on a woman named Hillary Clinton who is running for President in 2008” is closing early do to low tickets sales.

- Apparently people didn’t want to see a play where they already knew the ending.

*****

A Fox News poll has Bernie Sanders leading President Trump by nine points with likely voters.

- Bernie thanked his supporters for taking time out from watching “Matlock” to vote in the survey.

*****

Costco is selling a giant pink-frosted doughnut that weighs almost two pounds, but unfortunately it’s only available in Australia.

- It figures that something with about a million calories would show up “Down Under”.

*****

A Florida man was arrested after he stripped naked inside a McDonald’s and performed some kind of strange dance.

- He’s accused of showing off his “All-Beef Patties”.

- Turns out the man was arrested once before at Burger King for “Holding the Pickle”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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25 years ago today… America was transfixed as OJ Simpson and his friend Al Cowlings led the police on a slow-speed chase in the famous White Bronco.

- It’s the second most famous White Bronco in the world… after John Elway.

*****

A picture has emerged of Kim Jong Un as a child wearing Mickey Mouse ears.

- Proving once again that North Korea is the Happiest Place on Earth!

*****

Dem Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg says if elected he WOUNDN’T be the countries First gay President - but says he’s not sure which former Presidents might have been secretly gay.

- Bill Clinton said, “Well don’t look at me!”

- Clinton added, “I DID NOT sleep with that man… Al Gore”.

*****

Bill Cosby lit up the internet in a surprise Father’s Day post from Prison, tweeting "Hey, Hey, Hey...It’s America’s Dad...I know it’s late, but to all of the Dads... It’s an honor to be called a Father, so let’s make today a renewed oath to fulfilling our purpose…”

- “ …Slipping their mothers a mickey!”

*****

Political insiders believe that Elizabeth Warren is now the hottest 2020 Democrat.

- It’s historic… since this is the first time in history Warren has ever been described as “Hot”.

- Warren says she got “Hot” by connecting with voters… and rubbing two sticks together.

*****

Rapper Cardi B split the seat of her jumpsuit while Twerking during a concert over the weekend, giving the audience a look at her naked butt.

- The audience was shocked because Cardi doesn’t usually moon the crowd during the show… She waits until the Encore.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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A Quinnipiac Poll has Joe Biden leading Donald Trump in a head to head matchup by 13 points.

- Joe says he can “smell Victory”… and you gotta admit it’s nice to see Joe smelling something other than women’s hair for a change.

*****

A man in Pennsylvania called his local TV station to give his theory on the increase in Tornados: Traffic Circles. He said people driving around and around in circles “disrupts the atmosphere”.

- I don’t know about Tornados, but I do know Roundabouts raise my blood pressure when the guy in front of me just sits there - even though he’s got plenty of room to go.

*****

Director Quentin Tarantino is working on a new Star Trek movie that he says will be “foul mouthed” and full of “F bombs”.

- I’m sure glad Quentin lets us know this stuff ahead of time so I can be sure to make a note to see the movie.

- Sounds like it would make a great musical.

*****

Uber announced a plan to deliver food to customers using Drones.

- Drones are just like teenage delivery boys except when you don’t tip ‘em, they launch a rocket at your house.

*****

Mike Tyson is opening a luxury “Pot Resort” in the California desert where vacationers lay out big bucks to spend a week getting high.

- Or you can always break into Willie Nelson’s tour bus and do it for free.

*****

A woman in Scotland had to be cut out of a children’s Kiddy Car after getting stuck inside the mini-vehicle.

- And just like that her dreams of becoming a Circus Clown are dashed.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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Sources say Caitlyn Jenner is depressed over “not finding love as a woman” and has packed on 40 pounds, and gone from a size 10 to a size 18 dress.

- Caitlyn said, “So what??? As I always said when I was Bruce… Size doesn’t matter!”

*****

Joe Biden is being mocked for a pic of a friendship bracelet he posted online that shows his name and Barack Obama’s.

- Proving that Republican claims are wrong. Biden’s not a creepy old man… He’s a 12 year old girl.

*****

The US women's soccer team has been slammed for wildly celebrating every goal in their unprecedented 13-0 demolition of Thailand which left the Thai team in tears.

- This reminds me of the year the Lions started the season 4-0 and started shaming their opponents by playing “Another One Bites the Dust” after the games. But they ended up losing 7 games and lost the Central Division Title to the Minnesota Vikings.

*****

A college student in Australia received an unusual graduation gift from her boyfriend - a bouquet of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

- Say what you want but this woman obviously had “A Dozen Drumsticks” on her Bucket List.

*****

Taco Bell announced that its bringing back Nacho Fries.

- With 40 grams of fat, Ask Not for Whom the Taco Bell Tolls… It Tolls for Thee.

*****

Today marks the 25th Anniversary of the murders of OJ Simpson’s wife, Nicole Brown, and her friend Ron Goldman.

- If you’re thinking about getting a gift for OJ… I’d suggest a nice pair of gloves. He says he doesn’t have any that fit.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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With the first Democrat Presidential Debate just two weeks away, 9 of the 23 candidates are showing 0% support in the polls.

- Turns out there not Socialists… they’re OPTOMISTS.

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The US Army announced that Brigadier General Laura Yeager will become the first woman to command an Infantry Division.

- The Head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff said it’s “High time” and the only downside is that it’ll take her twice as long to get to the battlefield because she’ll keep stopping to ask for directions.

*****

Felicity Huffman was all smiles as she watched her daughter Sophia graduate from High School - just weeks after pleading guilty to paying $15,000 to get her into college.

- This gives a whole new meaning to the term “Freshman 15”.

- Sophia was even the High School Valedictorian! At least that’s what it said on her college application.

*****

A video has gone viral of a cocker spaniel FAINTING after spotting a group of ducks.

- In a follow-up video a cat was seen spitting on another dog and calling it a wimp.

*****

Officials in North Carolina are warning residents about a “Zombie Snake” that is 4 feet long and plays dead to trick humans.

- He learned the trick after watching the dog.

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A man in Florida called the cops after his girlfriend squeezed his - um - “fellas” so hard that they bled.

- I’m beginning to think the people in Florida are nuts.

- It takes a lot of cajones to admit that kind of thing to the cops.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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Pope Francis is warning against using Social Media saying that Tweets, etc… have led to a “culture of insults” in the world.

- So you can stop altogether - or you can just “unfollow” Prez Trump on Twitter.

*****

A delivery guy in London tried to deliver 4 cheeseburger pizzas to Buckingham palace that were ordered from Dominos by “someone named Elizabeth”.

- You’d think the Queen would be more of a Burger King gal.

*****

In one of his tweets President Trump suggested that the Moon is a part of Mars.

- In his defense he doesn’t know much about Mars since he deported all the Aliens.

*****

NASA is going to being welcoming tourists to visit the International Space Station starting in 2020.

- And you thought driving the kids to Cedar Point took forever.

- Can you imagine how many times you’re gonna hear “Are we there yet???”

*****

25 years after the murders of his ex-wife Nicole and her friend Ron Goldman, OJ Simpson says “life is fine” and that he plays golf almost everyday.

- This year alone he’s found 257 lost balls on the golf course. But not one killer.

*****

Ticket sales for the Elton John biopic “Rocketman” fell by 57% in its second weekend.

- Maybe people aren’t going because they think “Rocketman” is a musical about Buzz Aldrin.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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Today is the 75th Anniversary of D-Day… the most famous Seaborne Invasion in history… which saved Western Europe and indeed the world from Nazi domination.

I’d like to share a little known story of an event that happened eleven years after D-Day involving General Dwight D. Eisenhower, who led the invasion. It was 1955, Eisenhower was now President of the United States and he’d accepted an invitation to give the commencement address at the University of Pennsylvania - where his brother Milton was President. The day before the Graduation Ceremonies - which were to be held outdoors - Milton became concerned about forecasts calling for strong winds and heavy rains on the big Day. Milton called his brother Dwight at the White House to warn him about the impending storms and to ask it he should move the ceremony indoors. Eisenhower replied, “That’s your decision Milton. I haven’t worried about the weather forecast since June 6, 1944”.

*****

A growing number of Democratic Candidates are trying to raise funds by asking supporters for ONE DOLLAR in Facebook ads.

- The only difference between todays Dems and Bill Clinton is they’re ASKING for a single while Bill handed them out.

*****

New in grocery stores this week… Snickers Flavored Chocolate Milk.

- They get it by milking brown cows with nuts.

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A Taco Bell customer in Louisiana called 911 in a panic because her local Taco Bell had run out of shells.

- Normally, customers only call when Taco Bell runs out of Toilet Paper.

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Coffee Shops in North Korea are replacing human workers with “Robot Baristas”.

- To make the robots “just like Starbucks”, the Robot Baristas have blue hair and live with their robot parents.

*****

Madonna says she preferred life before cell phones.

- In a related story, a lot of people preferred music before Madonna.

*****

Researchers say that when you’re stressed out it makes your dog stressed out too.

- Experts say you should tell your dog to relax and remind them that Shih Tzu happens.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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We didn’t have a blog yesterday due to a Facebook glitch, but as you know, a Librarian named Emma Boettcher beat 32-game winner James Holzhauer on Jeopardy! Monday night.

- So James’ “Gambling System” is no match for Emma’s “Dewey Decimal System”.

BTW: My comment based on a leaked video that James was a “dummy” for only betting $1399 in Final Jeopardy was meant as a JOKE! He’s certainly no dummy!

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To mark it’s 40th anniversary, "The Muppet Movie" is returning to theaters for 2 days only - July 25th and 30th.

- Miss Piggy says it will be crazy to see her younger self on film and admits that these days, she’s got a lot more back bacon.

*****

George Michael left nothing to his two lovers in his $125 million dollar will and instead gave all the money to his sisters and dad.

- George spelled out his wishes in a song: “I’m Not Leaving You Stuff… After I Go-Go”.

*****

Bette Midler and Prez Trump are in a Twitter war after she tweeted a long ago proven Fake quote attributed to him. In response he called her a “washed up psycho”.

- Their relationship may be frosty now, but just remember, in the winter, deep beneath the bitter snow… Lies a seed, that with the sun’s love, in the Spring… becomes the Rose.

*****

Amazon has announced new “Same Day Delivery” for Prime Members.

- Which is great when you just can’t wait two days for a Crock-Pot and 36 Rolls of Toilet Paper.

*****

A Texas woman says she was shocked when she cut into her daughter’s graduation cake and discovered that Walmart had given her a display cake made of Styrofoam.

- On the bright side, it was low in sugar and had a full day’s worth of fiber.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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Queen Elizabeth greeted President Trump at Buckingham Palace this morning.

- In keeping with tradition, she led the massive crowd gathered outside in “The Wave”.

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A leaked video clip from Jeopardy! appears to show 32-time Champ James Holzhauer who has won over $2 Million - finally LOSING on tonight’s episode of Jeopardy… After betting TOO LITTLE money going into Final Jeopardy.

- What a dummy!

*****

A study by the British Heart Foundation debunked concerns that coffee is bad for you - and said you can drink up to 25 CUPS A DAY without causing heart problems.

- We tried to call the scientists responsible for this report but they weren’t available since they’d all checked into a Sleep Clinic.

*****

Scientists in Germany were baffled by mysterious flashes of light coming from the moon.

- Turns out Kim Kardashian was using the flash while taking selfies of her butt.

*****

The Elton John Biopic, “Rocketman,” pulled in just $25 million in its box office debut - about half of what producers had expected.

- Producers say they’re rethinking their promotional strategy and need a few days to Get their Duck Suits in a Row.

*****

According to a new scientific survey, the Loch Ness Monster might be REAL.

- This, from British Scientist… a Mr. B. Foot.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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Bruce Springsteen announced that he’s recording a new album and going back on tour with the E Street Band in the fall.

- Although at 67, Bruce is now calling it the “EKG Band”.

*****

Nineteen people were injured chasing an 8 pound wheel of cheese down a hill during Britain’s annual “Cheese Roll”.

- So this is what people in England do when they’re not arguing about Brexit.

- Officials announced they’re cancelling next years event saying “It’s time to cut the cheese”.

*****

One of the stars of Game of Thrones says the coffee cup left on a table during a scene wasn’t from Starbucks but “was from Costco”.

- Apparently one of the producers got the cup when he was at Costco picking up a Rotisserie Mutton Leg and Pallet of Crossbows.

- FYI: Yesterday marked the anniversary of the “Last Day of the Middle Ages”. (True!) Apparently they woke up on a Wednesday and said, “Well that was fun! Time to move on”.

*****

Sharon Osbourne is getting more plastic surgery done in August so when she comes back to “The Talk” in the fall she will have a whole new look.

- She says her husband Ozzie “won’t be able to recognize me”. But to be honest, Ozzie didn’t recognize her at breakfast this morning.

*****

Arnold Schwarzenegger has made his rapping debut in the video for a new song called "Pump It Up".

- He’s going by the name “Snoop Dog Schwarzenegger”.

*****

Cher posted a Tweet saying she hoped that President Trump would be jailed and sexually assaulted by “Bubba Bob” in prison.

- If only Cher could put out hit records as often as she Tweets, she’d actually have a CAREER.

*****

A Louisiana woman was arrested for beating up her wife after she accidentally put her marijuana in the wash.

- Doesn’t she know your supposed to Launder the MONEY… NOT the DRUGS???

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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Jeopardy! star James Holzhauer has now won over 2 MILLION DOLLARS on the show.

- He’s won so much cash… the SHOW is now in Jeopardy.

NOTE: Encouraging news from Alex Trebek who says his treatment for Pancreatic Cancer is working well so far!

*****

The hottest thing at the pool this summer may be the “Towel-kini” which combines a bathing suit and a beach towel.

- Next up: The “STRING Towel-kini” which will combine a bathing suit and a wash cloth.

*****

A leading relationship coach is predicting that by the year 2050 most people will be DATING ROBOTS.

- On the bright side… when you call customer service you’ll actually get a human being on the phone.

*****

Canada, Denmark and Russia have all submitted paperwork to a special UN committee that they say proves they (individually) are the rightful “owner” of the North Pole.

- EXCUSE ME??? Did they forget about a guy named… SANTA CLAUS???

*****

A woman in Rhode Island managed to get away from a Black Bear who opened the passenger door of the car she was in at a camp ground and tried to get in.

- The woman said the bear was “Wearing a green hat and necktie”, seemed “Smarter than your average bear” and answered to the name “Yogi”.

- The bear was not seriously hurt, but did get a Boo-Boo.

*****

Researchers say that spending a day “Doing Nothing” can be a great way to make yourself more creative and productive.

- So that “Do Nothing” slacker whose dating your daughter may be the next Jeff Bezos.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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O.J. Simpson claims he seduced Kris Jenner in a hot tub in 1990.

- Proving once again that O.J. is a real lady killer.

*****

Tech experts say the hottest trend in Smartphones these days is “Not buying a new one” - with more and more people holding on to their old model.

- In the interest of transparency I have to admit: I dropped and broke my old flip phone a couple weeks ago and went 2 WEEKS WITHOUT A CELL PHONE. And somehow… I survived!!

*****

Kim Kardashian has filed to trademark her newborn son’s name so she can sell hair accessories, home furnishings, etc… under his name “Psalm West”.

- I really thought they were gonna go with something more traditional like “Deuteronomy”.

- And - IF they had had TWIN boys - “First and Second Samuel”.

- Hey… Judge not, lest ye be judged.

*****

President Trump attended a sumo-wrestling match in Japan on Monday.

- He looked terrific in his “Make Fat Guys In Spandex Loincloths Great Again” baseball cap.

*****

Hillary Clinton marched in the Memorial Day Parade in Chappaqua, NY yesterday leading some to speculate that she’s thinking about running in 2020.

- Talk about a glutton for punishment.

*****

According to reports, Lori Loughlin’s daughter Olivia Jade “Knew full well” that her parents bought her way into USC.

- Looking at her original SAT scores, this is apparently the only thing Olivia Jade DID know.

*****

Thoughts and Prayers for Dan Gilbert and his family as he recovers from a Stroke he suffered over the Holiday Weekend.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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