Punxatawney Phil emerged from his hole this morning and saw his shadow, signaling 6 more weeks of winter. 

- Why? Because it's February. 

*****

A new dating app called "Haters" is designed to help people find love with people who hate the same things they do from Politicians to paying extra for Guacamole.

- They should have called it eDisHarmony.com. 

- Look for the new romantic ballad "I Can't Help Falling In Hate With You".

*****

Students at UC Berkley turned violent and burned down the Student Book Store last night while protesting a scheduled speech by a Conservative Gay man. 

- But they want everyone to know... they totally accept that he's Gay, it's the Conservative part they can't deal with. 

*****

In an attempt to battle shrinking audiences, Movie Theaters across the country are beginning to  sell alcohol along with popcorn and candy. 

- Which begs the question which type of wine goes best with Milk Duds? 

- I guess offering booze to patrons was easier than trying to get Hollywood to start making good movies again.  

*****

A study published in the Deep Nutrition Journal found that eating vegetable oils can lead to migraines, dementia and fatigue. 

- On the bright side, eat enough McDonald's French Fries and you'll be too tired to finish your Big Mac. 

*****

IKEA stores in the U.S. have recalled certain beach chairs because of "fingertip amputation hazards". 

- And it's really hard to put together a 187 piece beach chair when your fingertips have been amputated. 

***** 

A woman in Australia called the police to file a report against her drug dealer for what she considered an unfair price hike for her marijuana. 

- Being Australia, the woman will be tried in a Kangaroo Court. (Bada Boom!)

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

At 8pm last night President Trump announced Conservative Judge Neil Gorsuch as his pick for the Supreme Court - sparking protests from Liberals.  

- With the exception of Ruth Bader Ginsberg... who didn't hear about it because she fell asleep after the Wheel of Fortune Bonus Round. . 

*****

On Tuesday's "The View", Whoopi Goldberg compared Trump to the Taliban. 

- Trump sent out an equally insulting Tweet comparing Whoopi to Joy Behar.

*****

Effective immediately, The Boy Scouts of America will allow transgender children who were born girls, but identify as boys, to join their troops.  

- And in addition to Camping and Hiking... they'll now be required to earn the Caitlyn Jenner Merit Badge. 

*****

The Detroit Lions have made changes to their logo, ditching black in favor of silver for the outline of the Lion. 

- Now if they could just ditch "losing" for "winning", when it comes to Play-Off Games.  

*****

"Celebrity Apprentice" host Arnold Schwarzenegger says President Trump's Immigration ban is "making us look stupid". 

- It's also making it harder for Arnold to find a housekeeper to have another affair with. 

*****

Feeling stressed out by an overload of news coverage? Some psychologists say you should turn off the TV and look at pictures of cute animals on the internet. 

- You can find them on Facebook sandwiched between your friends Anti-Everything rants.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

NBC insiders say the third hour of the "Today" show will be replaced with a show hosted by ex-Fox News star Megyn Kelly next Fall, followed by Hoda and Kathy Lee.  

- Megyn will be "Fair & Balanced" and then Hoda and Kathy Lee will be "Drunk & Unsteady". 

*****

Sunday night a 23 year old Dental student from France won the Miss Universe Crown. 

- It's a temporary crown... she'll have to wait six weeks for the permanent one to be put on.

*****

Over ten million people have Retweeted Kim Kardashian's Tweet of a chart that disputed Donald Trump's temporary ban on Immigration. 

- If you're relying on Kim Kardashian for your foreign policy info... I'm thinking maybe YOU should be deported. 

*****

Ashton Kutcher opened Sunday night's SAG Awards by sharply criticizing President Trump's Immigration policy. 

- And after the show, he called Melania and asked if she was looking for a "Boy-Toy". 

*****

Starbucks announced plans to hire 10,000 refugees over the next five years. 

- It's every refugees dream... escape a war-torn nation so you can sell $7 cups of coffee to rich Americans. 

*****

An American Heart Association study found that depression is just as damaging to our heart as high cholesterol. 

- They added that the Worst thing for your heart is reading your friends political posts on Facebook. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Welcome to Podcast #211... our first of 2017, and our first (hopefully) without the glitches we had at the end of 2016. Today Jackie and I get back behind the mics to talk about the passing of Mary Tyler Moore... and how despite her incredible television career, she felt like more of a failure than a success. 

We also talk about Ted Knight who played the buffoon-newsman "Ted Baxter" on Mary's Show and how our broadcast careers crossed paths. 

Somehow we end up talking about a rather dangerous microscopic creature in the Amazon River that might give men pause if they decide to go swimming there. (Hint: You'll need a cast iron Speedo)

And most important of all... I give you the details of the upcoming Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon on Friday, February 24th on WJR AM 760! It will be our 30th Annual!!

It's all in Podcast #211... and it's up right now @dickpurtan.com! 

-Dick 

P.S. I'm off to serve meals off one of the Bed & Bread Trucks. More on that tomorrow! 

RIP... Mary Tyler Moore. The girl "who could turn the world on with her smile" died yesterday at the age of 80. "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was a shining part of a long-gone era. A time when we had more in common with each other than not, simply because we had fewer choices.

With just Three TV Channels (plus UHF, of course) chances were good that most of us watched the same shows. And there were good ones...Really good ones. The CBS Saturday night line-up, for example. In order, from 8pm through 11pm was: "All in the Family", "M*A*S*H", "The Mary Tyler Moore Show", "Bob Newhart", and "The Carol Burnett Show". Talk about a power packed night of television! 

And anchoring, right in the middle of the line up, MTM... Who can forget Lou Grant, Ted Baxter, Rhoda, and Sue Anne Nivens? Not to mention Chuckles the Clown... "A little song, a little dance... a little seltzer down your pants".  They gave us something to talk about with our friends and co-workers the next day. We had their classic lines and stories in common. 

Mary, her show, and the time in our lives that it embodied were simply put, Extraordinary. And I miss them all.

***** 

The President of Mexico said in a speech that there is no way Mexico will pay for President Trump's Wall. 

- Trump immediately Tweeted: "20% down and the balance when the Wall is finished!"  #AyCaramba

*****

Trump will meet with the Prime Minister of England, Theresa May, on Friday at the White House. 

- Trump staffers say he's looking forward to the meeting, but would have preferred that the U.K. send Kate Middleton over for the get-together. 

*****

Scientists at NASA say an asteroid-like object will come within 32 million miles of Earth in February, but a Russian Astronomer claims it will hit the earth on the 16th, causing a giant, dangerous Tsunami. 

- Democrats were quick to point out that we just had a giant, dangerous Tsunami on November 8th. 

*****

Ivanka Trump posted a video of her ten month old son Theodore on Instagram crawling for the first time - on the carpet at the White House no less. 

- It's not the first time someone's been on their knees in the White House. I mean who can forget those great photos of JFK Jr. under his Dad's desk? 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick

A new study out of Paris found that personality traits like being open or closed minded, and nice or nasty, might be the result of the shape of a person's brain. 

- They discovered the results by examining the brain of one "Abby Normal". (Courtesy of Gene Wilder and Marty Feldman aka Dr. Frank-en-steen and Igor)

*****

A woman in Texas is alive and well after a Tornado picked up the bathtub she was sheltering in, flew her through the air, and landed her safely in the woods. 

- No word yet on her husband, who had been in a matching bathtub waiting for his Cialis to kick in. 

*****

For the first time in History, the Dow Jones hit and topped 20,000 this morning. 

- Good news for most, but tough for their neighbors who are always trying to keep up with the Dow Joneses. 

*****

President Trump will sign an Executive Order today directing the Department of Homeland Security to begin building his famous Wall. 

- Right after signing, Trump will immediately call Tyler 8-7100 because Mr. Belvedere does good work! 

*****

While most of Hollywood and California voted for Hillary Clinton, it looks like The Scientologists went for Trump. 

- It's all part of Scientology's plan to "Make John Travolta Great Again".

*****

Social Media is abuzz with speculation that one of Trump's Secret Service Agents wore prosthetic arms during the First Couple's stroll down Penn. Ave. on Inauguration Day, so he could keep his real hand on the trigger of a gun. 

- The Secret Service got the idea from Bill Clinton who used the same technique when he was in the Oval Office. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Prince William and his wife Kate Middleton are moving back from their current residence back to the city of London so they can help the Queen with her duties. 

- Apparently you can't just learn the proper "Waving Technique" overnight. 

*****

As promised, yesterday President Trump formally abandoned the 12-nation Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) - former Prez. Obama's signature deal. 

- Sources say angry Dems will protest by sneaking over the fence and TPP-ing the trees around the White House with Charmin. 

*****

A new dating site, launched on Inauguration Day is designed to help match up Trump supporters who are looking for love. 

- It's called "Let Me Call You Tweet Heart Dot Com".

*****

The Obamas are vacationing on Richard Branson's private island in the Caribbean.

- It's the first time in 8 years that the former President has gone on vacation without the Nuclear Golfball... um... that's the Nuclear Football. 

- He deserve's to relax... this is his first vacation since he got back from Hawaii New Year's Day. 

*****

A British dermatologist recommends adding a tablespoon of sugar to your shampoo to exfoliate your scalp and make your hair healthier. 

- I'm going to add calorie-free Equal to mine so I don't end up with too much Volume. 

*****

A Kansas City man has admitted that he robbed a bank, then waited in the lobby for Police to arrest him because "He'd rather be in jail then be with his wife". 

- Apparently he didn't realize that he's gonna end up with a new, much more demanding wife in the slammer. 

*****

Rod Stewart and Cyndi Lauper announced a joint Summer Music Tour across America this summer. 

- At 72 and 63 years old respectively... Cyndi maybe the only woman around who thinks Rod's sexy... and wants his body.  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The Patriots are heading to the Super Bowl for the ninth time after defeating the Steelers 36-17 on Sunday. It will be Tom Brady's 7th trip to the Big Game.  

- But Brady said that like his footballs, his ego won't be inflated. 

*****

A woman was kicked off a flight from Baltimore to Seattle for loudly berating the man seated next to her for being a Trump supporter. 

- Sounds like someone forgot to check her emotional baggage. 

- From now on, Airlines will seat Democrats on the Left and Republicans on the Right.  

*****

Madonna is taking heat for repeatedly dropping the F-bomb and saying she had thoughts of "blowing up the White House" during her speech at the Women Million March Saturday which was carried live on C-Span. 

- It was the most exciting thing to happen on C-Span since... well, since EVER. 

*****

Taylor Swift is being hammered on Twitter for not attending any of the Women's Marches against Trump around the country.

- Don't people know that Taylor is ALWAYS busy on Saturdays breaking up with her latest boyfriend??? 

*****

China closed 100 golf courses in their country saying they go against Communist principles and cater to "Elites". 

- And just like that former President Obama had to cancel his vacation to Beijing. 

*****

A new fitness trend is sweeping Great Britain, with thousands of Brits heading to the gym to participate in Naked Exercise classes. 

- The classes were Co-Ed until a bunch of naked guys suffered sprains when they tried to do push ups. 

*****

A study by researchers in California found that women who maintain an active lifestyle age more slowly. 

- So if you want to look young, instead of driving, jog to your appointment with the plastic surgeon. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

With the Inauguration just hours away, Donald Trump is en route to Washington, D.C. 

- He'll hold meetings this morning, then spend the afternoon on the phone getting the White House Gas, Electricity and Cable transferred over to his name. 

*****

Meanwhile the Obamas are doing what most families do the day before they move... 

- Taking sentimental snapshots around the house and deciding whether or not to take the washer and dryer they promised to leave during the Closing. 

*****

Donald Trump has been urged to dance with Caitlyn Jenner, who is a Republican, at his Inaugural Ball on Friday night to prove that he is in touch with America's LGBT community.

- I think it's safe to assume that during the dance, the new President won't try to grab Caitlyn's private parts.

*****

In keeping with tradition, President Obama will leave a letter of advice for the incoming President in the desk in the Oval Office. 

- Sources say Obama wrote his letter months ago, and it starts out "Dear, Hillary..."

*****

A NY Attorney is calling for President Obama to pardon Hillary Clinton so she can't be charged under the Trump Administration for use of the Private Email Server...but added it's "sideways" for anyone to think accepting a pardon is admitting guilt.  

- I beg your pardon???  

- Hillary wasn't available for comment as she was busy rehearsing for her upcoming gig on "Dancing With The Stars".

*****

Michael Moore has organized a protest on the sidewalk outside Trump Tower in NYC today.

- He was going to hold the protest in D.C., but he wanted to make sure there would be plenty of Hot Dog and Giant Soft Pretzel Carts nearby. 

*****

On a serious note... 

No matter how you feel about the incoming administration - or the outgoing one - I hope that we experience a safe and peaceful transition of power tomorrow, and in the weeks and months to come. Yes, we have differences. Yes, we look at things from a wide variety of vantage points. And yes, this has been a tumultuous and emotional time in our History.

But first and foremost, we are Americans. This is not the first time our citizenry has been divided, nor is it the first time our nation has faced seemingly insurmountable challenges both at home and around the world. But it's time to do what we have done since 1776 - Put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. Together. Shoulder to Shoulder. America is, and always will be, a work in progress. By definition, that makes us "imperfect". But our best hope for making positive progress begins with us being respectful of each other's opinions. 

Perhaps it was times like these that inspired our insightful forefathers (and foremothers!) to name this great land "The UNITED States of America". 

Have a great day, I'll see you back here tomorrow, and God Bless America. 

-Dick 

I was on the internet yesterday and saw the teaser headline, 'Get JFK's Favorite Breakfast Recipe'.

- Guessing all the ingredients are easy enough to find except the 'pinch of Marilyn Monroe'.

*****

President Obama's last minute pardon of Chelsea Manning, the former Army Intel Specialist who gave 700,000 classified documents to WikiLeaks has Washington up in arms. Btw... Chelsea (a transgender woman) was Bradley when he/she was convicted. 

- Both Republicans & Democrats are calling Manning "A traitor... a real Bernadine Arnold". 

*****

When more than 50 top Democrats said they won't attend Friday's Inauguration, Trump responded by asking for their tickets saying, "We'll need them!"

- There haven't been this many tickets up for grabs since William Hung's "She Bangs" Tour. 

*****

A new Australian reality show features complete strangers getting into bed together in hopes of finding love. 

- We already have a show like that in America... it's call "The Bachelor". 

*****

According to a Traffic Study, more Pedestrians are killed in Florida than in any other State. 

- That's because all the elderly drivers think the "Ped Xing" signs are advertisements for overnight shipping. 

*****

The NBA is considering shortening the length of games because Millennials have such short attention spans. 

- Why not just start the game with the teams tied up with two minutes to go? That's how it usually happens anyway. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

With just three days left in the White House, a moving van and boxes were spotted outside the Obama's new 8200 sq. foot home, which boasts 9 1/2 bathrooms. 

- Luckily, Michelle has eight years worth of 20% off coupons from "Bed, Bath & Beyond".

*****

Donald Trump will use two Bibles when he takes the Oath on Friday... his family Bible and the one used by Abraham Lincoln. 

- Democrats are claiming the Russians have hacked both Bibles to try and change the outcome of the Apple thing between Adam and Eve. 

*****

Meanwhile Vladimir Putin gave a speech calling Trump's political enemies who went public with the infamous false dossier, "Worse than Prostitutes". 

- Prostitutes everywhere are insulted... saying they've been called a lot of bad names, but they've never been compared to Politicians before. 

*****

Trump's staff has confirmed that the President-Elect has turned down the Obama's offer to leave behind Sasha and Malia's old swing set in the White House Garden. 

- This reminds me of the time Bill Clinton asked George W. Bush if he wanted him to leave Monica Lewinsky behind in the Oval Office. 

*****

The producers of Star Wars announced that they've decided not to use a digital image of Carrie Fisher in the next film. 

- Apparently fans thought "Star Wars: The Force DOESN'T Awaken" was in bad taste. 

*****

The movie "Hidden Figures" is the highest grossing film in the country. 

- It's a documentary showing what Rosie O'Donnell and Chris Christie look like when they take off their Spanx. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

A European Parliament committee has voted in favor of a proposal granting legal status to robots, categorizing them as “electronic persons”.

- Great... now the robots are going to demand their own bathrooms. 

*****

The Senate worked into the night last night to pass a budget resolution that will speed up the process of repealing Obamacare. 

- And if you like your Senator who voted for the resolution, you can keep your Senator! 

*****

Donald Trump not only said the whole Russian Hooker thing was fake, but added that it wasn't even possible since he's a "Germaphobe". 

- Apparently The Donald has no plans to "Make STD's Great Again". 

*****

Amazon announced that they will create 100,000 new full time jobs in the U.S. by 2018. 

- So you'll be able to go to Amazon to shop for a job and be shipped to your new office for free.  

*****

Anthony Weiner, who now lives with his Mother, is reportedly begging his wife, former Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin, to take him back. 

- Apparently like most Moms, Mother Weiner checks his internet history and reads his texts. 

*****

A new study found that people who didn't have sex when they were teenagers have a much larger vocabulary than people who did. 

- You can tell who these people are because they constantly use big phrases like "Live Long and Prosper".

The study also found that people who swear a lot a are smarter than people who use less colorful language. 

- Hot Damn! I'm a genius!

*****

Jim Harbaugh and his wife announced the birth of their 4th child together (his 7th), a little boy named John. 

- The delivery went smoothly, but Jim was fined $500 for yelling at his wife for not pushing hard enough.  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

A "Fake News" website now claims they made up the entire story about Donald Trump bringing Hookers to a Russian Hotel Room to "defile" a bed once slept in by the Obamas and then leaked the story to the media and US Intelligence. 

- I miss the good old days when the most shocking "Fake News"s story was that Spaghetti grew on trees. 

*****

President Obama delivered his farewell address to the nation last night, bringing many in the audience, including Joe Biden to tears. 

- Joe was just crying because his last assigned duty as VP is to move all the furniture out of the White House.

*****

A new study found that Worldwide, people who lean Right politically are better looking than those on the Left. 

- Apparently the guys who conducted the study didn't watch the Golden Globes. 

- This explains why Bernie Sanders wasn't voted People's "Sexiest Man Alive" for 2016. 

*****

U2's lead singer Bono announced that the group will delay the release of their new album because "the world is a different place since Trump was elected" and they want to double-check the lyrics of the songs. (Whatever that means) 

- So millions of people will have to wait longer for a free copy of the album they don't want, to be downloaded for free on their iPhones. 

***** 

Kim Kardashian's chauffeur has been released by French Police after being arrested for taking part in the robbery of her in Paris last year. 

- It's not that he's innocent... it's just that Kim needed someone to drive her to "Bed, Butt's & Beyond". 

*****

Michael Moore told MSNBC that Americans need to get up off the couch and fight Donald Trump. 

- Of course the only time Michael gets off his couch is when the guy from Domino's rings his doorbell. 

*****

Japanese scientists caught a male monkey having sex with a female deer in the wild, marking the first time ever that two different species have been observed having consensual sex. 

- I thought for sure Madonna's name would appear somewhere in this story.  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

A study by the National Weather Service found that the average temp in in the lower 48 States yesterday was 11 degrees, that's 9 degrees colder than any day in 2016. 

- But that still wasn't as cold as Meryl Streep's Golden Globe speech about Donald Trump. 

*****

Meanwhile some professional athletes are up in arms after Meryl said that if Hollywood went away, Americans would have nothing to watch "but Mixed Martial Arts and Football."

- Colin Kaepernick is so mad, he's going to take a knee before watching "Mama Mia" on Netflix. 

*****

Clemson stunned Alabama by winning the National College Football Championship with a last second touchdown pass. 

- There hasn't been this much talk about a pass since Bill Clinton hit on Monica Lewinsky. 

*****

A new study shows that exacting revenge on someone who has wronged you can actually improve your mood. 

- If Hillary Clinton can figure out a way to get back at Vladimir Putin, she's gonna be "The Happiest Girl In The Whole U.S.A."

*****

President Obama told reporters he thinks Obamacare will survive his Presidency. 

- Which is technically true since as a former President, Obama will get free health Care for the rest of his life. 

*****

French police arrested 17 men in connection with the Kim Kardashian robberies, including the chauffeur who drove her around Paris.

- The only thing we know about the suspects is that they're not French... otherwise they would have surrendered. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A new app called Shovler can connect you with people in your area who are willing to shovel your driveway for money.

- Just press the button and it calls your teenager. 

*****

Osama Bin Laden's eldest son has just been put on the Terrorist Watch List. 

- Which is great. 16 years too late, but still pretty great. 

- You know what they say...  "The Rotten Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree". 

*****

"The People vs. O.J. Simpson" took home the Golden Globe for best TV Mini Series last night. 

- I haven't seen it yet so please Don't tell me how it ends. 

*****

Charles Manson is reportedly too weak to undergo surgery at a hospital in California. 

- He would be surrounded by members of his "family"... but they're all in prison. 

*****

Kim Kardashian told E! Network the during her robbery in Paris last year, she was afraid they were going to shoot her in the back. 

- If they had shot her in the backSIDE, I'm pretty sure that's one bullet that never would have been recovered. 

*****

Carrie Fisher was cremated Friday and her ashes were buried in a container designed to look like a giant Prozac pill. 

- Usually the people ATTENDING the funeral need Prozac, not the deceased.

- Bill Clinton announced that he wants to be buried in a casket shaped like Cialis, "So When The Moment's Right In The Afterlife, He'll Be Ready". 

*****

Yesterday would have been Elvis's 82nd Birthday. 

- He would have celebrated by swiveling his two new artificial hips. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

CNN snapped a pic of a Moving Truck between the Executive Office Building and the White House yesterday.

- The Secret Service immediately surrounded the vehicle saying they had apprehended "Two Men and a Truck". 

- Joe Biden said he was "Surprised", since he'd already volunteered to help Barrack move the Oval Office couch. 

*****

Fox News has announced that with the departure of Megyn Kelly to NBC her old 9pm time slot will be filled by Tucker Carlson. 

- The wardrobe department is now busy fitting him with a blond hairpiece and a low cut dress, hoping nobody will notice. 

*****

China lashed out at Donald Trumps use of Twitter saying it is "Undesirable" and that "Diplomacy is not a child's game".

- Which is exactly why they don't allow their 5 year old factory workers to Tweet about their low wages. 

*****

Despite not voting for Trump, the Bush family announced that they will attend the Inauguration.

- Jeb plans to sleep through it, just like he did during the Presidential Primary Debates. 

*****

A group of Irish researchers discovered a new organ inside the human body. 

- Actually they THOUGHT they had found a new organ, but it was just a shot glass their Irish test subject had accidentally swallowed while drinking a Boilermaker. 

*****

Meryl Streep has been asked to speak at the public memorial for Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher. 

- I can't wait to hear which accents she's gonna use!

*****

82 year old Charles Manson is said to be seriously ill and has been rushed from prison to a hospital. 

- Didn't we loose enough cherished celebrities last year?

*****

Kim Kardashian West has rejoined Social Media - but has dropped her married name and is just posting as "Kim". 

- But not as "Lil Kim" because that name is already taken, and besides, nobody would take it seriously. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

The Better Business Bureau has revoked the accreditation of My Pillow and lowered its rating to an "F" based on a pattern of complaints by consumers. 

- They were going to lower the rating yesterday, but decided to sleep on it.

- For a guy who guarantees a great night sleep... this is a nightmare.

*****

Fox News Anchor Megyn Kelly is leaving the network after 12 years to go to NBC. 

- Where the heck is Fox News gonna find another hot blond newswoman to take her place???

*****

Arnold Schwarzenegger, who's taking over for Donald Trump on "The Apprentice" will swap out "You're Fired" for "You're Terminated... Hasta La Vista, Baby!"

- Isn't "Hasta La Vista" what he and his hispanic maid named their baby? 

*****

The Buffalo Zoo's new Polar Bear made his public debut on Saturday. 

- Turns out he likes girls AND boys, making him the Zoo's first Bi-Polar Bear. 

*****

The Cannabis Coalition will be handing out thousands of free joints in Washington, DC during Donald Trump's Inauguration. 

- Bill Clinton may not inhale, but I have a feeling Hillary will. 

*****

The first reprint of Adolf Hitler's "Mein Kampf" since World War II has become a best seller in Berlin.

- But that's only because they tried to make it sexier by renaming it "Fifty Shades Of The Germans Wore Grey". (Casablanca, anyone?) 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Mariah Carey is claiming that her botched New Year's Eve performance was intentionally sabotaged by ABC to generate ratings. 

- Oh c'mon. We all know it was the Russians! 

*****

A new survey found that 40% of Millennials don't have basic survival skills like knowing how to tie a knot or read a map. 

-  It they run into those issues, they just go to the bottom of the basement stairs and yell up "Hey Mom... a little help here?" 

*****

President Obama's closest adviser, Valerie Jarrett, says the President prides himself on the fact that he hasn't done anything to embarrass himself while in office. 

- Unless you count a little thing like sending Iran $150 Billion. 

*****

Prez-Elect Trump says he may skip email and write top secret messages on paper and send them through a courier. 

- Nothing new here... This is the system I used in elementary school when I wanted to send a message to a buddy of mine sitting across the room. 

*****

Meanwhile the Chief Executive of "Twitter" in China has resigned. 

- He hadn't planned on leaving, but he got a fortune cookie message that read: "Resign yourself to new job opportunities in 2017". 

*****

For the first time in a long time, the most popular New Year's Resolution among Americans wasn't "To lose weight"... it was "To be a better person". 

- And Marie Osmond responded, "Trust me... you'll feel like a MUCH better person if you beat that Belly Bloat with Nutri-System!"

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

From the entire Purtan Family to You and Yours... Happy New Year!

May 2017 bring you Joy, Love, Peace, Health & Happiness!