Today, Bernie Sanders is expected to announce his plan to cancel ALL STUDENT LOAN DEBT totaling an astounding $1.6 TRILLION.

- If Bernie’s plan sounds viable to you… chances are you flunked math.

*****

Hasbro announced that’s it’s newest version of Monopoly will do away with cash and have players making payments using an Alexa-like device shaped like a Tophat.

- They also announced that in the new version the “Community Chest” will be known as “Madonna”.

*****

Roseanne Barr and Andrew Dice Clay have teamed up for the “Mr. and Mrs. America” comedy tour.

- These two will make Lenny Bruce and George Carlin look like Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.

*****

A man was arrested Friday for hiding a camera in the Women’s bathroom on the set of the new James Bond movie.

- If they do a Bond movie based on the incident I’m betting it will be called “Gold Plunger”, “A View to a Jill” or “The Spy Who Filmed Me”.

*****

A woman who claims she was left behind and trapped in a “cold dark” Air Canada plane after sleeping through the landing says she suffers from recurring nightmares.

- By the way… She was the pilot.

*****

A man stripped naked at Detroit Metro Airport and tried to sneak past security.

- Police on the scene said “He loved to fly… and it showed”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A survey by the Wall Street Journal found that a growing number of retirees are attending “Sleep Away Camps” that offer canoeing, aerobics and archery.

- One Retiree said “it was great” …until no one showed up for parents weekend.

*****

Airlines are closer to adopting “SkyRider Seats” where passengers sit on a cushioned “saddle” with their Legs and feet dangling off the sides - like riding a horse.

- Just when you thought airline seats couldn’t get any more uncomfortable…

- Instead of announcing “Prepare for Take-off” the pilot just yells “Giddy-Up!”

*****

Joy Behar and Meghan McCain got into a shouting match on “The View” Wednesday with McCain calling Behar a “B***h” after Behar said Trump supporters hate “Black people and Immigrants”.

- I wish Joy and Meghan would make like Thelma and Louise and drive over a cliff.

*****

Experts say the World’s Population will stop growing by the beginning of 2100.

- You mean the world’s NOT gonna end in 12 years like AOC said???

*****

Lindsay Lohan lashed out at the NY Post after they reported that the Beach Resort she owns is closing -saying she did it so she can concentrate on opening “Lindsayland” resort in Dubai.

- Lindsayland will feature a roller coaster called “Spaced Out Mountain” and an Open Bar.

- Wow. This makes Micheal Jackson’s “Neverland” seem almost normal.

*****

According to a new poll, nearly 40% of 18-24 year olds say they haven’t applied deodorant or antiperspirant in the last month.

- Which isn’t as bad as it sounds since they rarely do anything that makes them work up a sweat.

*****

Mick Jagger is back to performing after heart surgery earlier this year, but an insider claims he has three doctors traveling with him at all times and he wears a heart monitor while on stage.

- If he needs a defribulator Mick is supposed to yell, “START ME UP!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

NASA has released s short list of female astronauts who could become the first woman to walk on the moon.

- It’ll be a Small Step for Man… and a Giant Leap for High Heels.

*****

Steven Spielberg released the cast photo from his remake of “West Side Story”.

- In his version, thousands of illegal immigrants run across the border singing “I Like To Be In America!”

- And in keeping with Diversity, Tony falls in love with a girl named Maria who identifies as a guy named Manuel.

*****

The Broadway play “Hillary & Clinton” which producers say “Takes place in an alternate universe and centers on a woman named Hillary Clinton who is running for President in 2008” is closing early do to low tickets sales.

- Apparently people didn’t want to see a play where they already knew the ending.

*****

A Fox News poll has Bernie Sanders leading President Trump by nine points with likely voters.

- Bernie thanked his supporters for taking time out from watching “Matlock” to vote in the survey.

*****

Costco is selling a giant pink-frosted doughnut that weighs almost two pounds, but unfortunately it’s only available in Australia.

- It figures that something with about a million calories would show up “Down Under”.

*****

A Florida man was arrested after he stripped naked inside a McDonald’s and performed some kind of strange dance.

- He’s accused of showing off his “All-Beef Patties”.

- Turns out the man was arrested once before at Burger King for “Holding the Pickle”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

25 years ago today… America was transfixed as OJ Simpson and his friend Al Cowlings led the police on a slow-speed chase in the famous White Bronco.

- It’s the second most famous White Bronco in the world… after John Elway.

*****

A picture has emerged of Kim Jong Un as a child wearing Mickey Mouse ears.

- Proving once again that North Korea is the Happiest Place on Earth!

*****

Dem Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg says if elected he WOUNDN’T be the countries First gay President - but says he’s not sure which former Presidents might have been secretly gay.

- Bill Clinton said, “Well don’t look at me!”

- Clinton added, “I DID NOT sleep with that man… Al Gore”.

*****

Bill Cosby lit up the internet in a surprise Father’s Day post from Prison, tweeting "Hey, Hey, Hey...It’s America’s Dad...I know it’s late, but to all of the Dads... It’s an honor to be called a Father, so let’s make today a renewed oath to fulfilling our purpose…”

- “ …Slipping their mothers a mickey!”

*****

Political insiders believe that Elizabeth Warren is now the hottest 2020 Democrat.

- It’s historic… since this is the first time in history Warren has ever been described as “Hot”.

- Warren says she got “Hot” by connecting with voters… and rubbing two sticks together.

*****

Rapper Cardi B split the seat of her jumpsuit while Twerking during a concert over the weekend, giving the audience a look at her naked butt.

- The audience was shocked because Cardi doesn’t usually moon the crowd during the show… She waits until the Encore.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A Quinnipiac Poll has Joe Biden leading Donald Trump in a head to head matchup by 13 points.

- Joe says he can “smell Victory”… and you gotta admit it’s nice to see Joe smelling something other than women’s hair for a change.

*****

A man in Pennsylvania called his local TV station to give his theory on the increase in Tornados: Traffic Circles. He said people driving around and around in circles “disrupts the atmosphere”.

- I don’t know about Tornados, but I do know Roundabouts raise my blood pressure when the guy in front of me just sits there - even though he’s got plenty of room to go.

*****

Director Quentin Tarantino is working on a new Star Trek movie that he says will be “foul mouthed” and full of “F bombs”.

- I’m sure glad Quentin lets us know this stuff ahead of time so I can be sure to make a note to see the movie.

- Sounds like it would make a great musical.

*****

Uber announced a plan to deliver food to customers using Drones.

- Drones are just like teenage delivery boys except when you don’t tip ‘em, they launch a rocket at your house.

*****

Mike Tyson is opening a luxury “Pot Resort” in the California desert where vacationers lay out big bucks to spend a week getting high.

- Or you can always break into Willie Nelson’s tour bus and do it for free.

*****

A woman in Scotland had to be cut out of a children’s Kiddy Car after getting stuck inside the mini-vehicle.

- And just like that her dreams of becoming a Circus Clown are dashed.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Sources say Caitlyn Jenner is depressed over “not finding love as a woman” and has packed on 40 pounds, and gone from a size 10 to a size 18 dress.

- Caitlyn said, “So what??? As I always said when I was Bruce… Size doesn’t matter!”

*****

Joe Biden is being mocked for a pic of a friendship bracelet he posted online that shows his name and Barack Obama’s.

- Proving that Republican claims are wrong. Biden’s not a creepy old man… He’s a 12 year old girl.

*****

The US women's soccer team has been slammed for wildly celebrating every goal in their unprecedented 13-0 demolition of Thailand which left the Thai team in tears.

- This reminds me of the year the Lions started the season 4-0 and started shaming their opponents by playing “Another One Bites the Dust” after the games. But they ended up losing 7 games and lost the Central Division Title to the Minnesota Vikings.

*****

A college student in Australia received an unusual graduation gift from her boyfriend - a bouquet of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

- Say what you want but this woman obviously had “A Dozen Drumsticks” on her Bucket List.

*****

Taco Bell announced that its bringing back Nacho Fries.

- With 40 grams of fat, Ask Not for Whom the Taco Bell Tolls… It Tolls for Thee.

*****

Today marks the 25th Anniversary of the murders of OJ Simpson’s wife, Nicole Brown, and her friend Ron Goldman.

- If you’re thinking about getting a gift for OJ… I’d suggest a nice pair of gloves. He says he doesn’t have any that fit.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

With the first Democrat Presidential Debate just two weeks away, 9 of the 23 candidates are showing 0% support in the polls.

- Turns out there not Socialists… they’re OPTOMISTS.

*****

The US Army announced that Brigadier General Laura Yeager will become the first woman to command an Infantry Division.

- The Head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff said it’s “High time” and the only downside is that it’ll take her twice as long to get to the battlefield because she’ll keep stopping to ask for directions.

*****

Felicity Huffman was all smiles as she watched her daughter Sophia graduate from High School - just weeks after pleading guilty to paying $15,000 to get her into college.

- This gives a whole new meaning to the term “Freshman 15”.

- Sophia was even the High School Valedictorian! At least that’s what it said on her college application.

*****

A video has gone viral of a cocker spaniel FAINTING after spotting a group of ducks.

- In a follow-up video a cat was seen spitting on another dog and calling it a wimp.

*****

Officials in North Carolina are warning residents about a “Zombie Snake” that is 4 feet long and plays dead to trick humans.

- He learned the trick after watching the dog.

*****

A man in Florida called the cops after his girlfriend squeezed his - um - “fellas” so hard that they bled.

- I’m beginning to think the people in Florida are nuts.

- It takes a lot of cajones to admit that kind of thing to the cops.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Pope Francis is warning against using Social Media saying that Tweets, etc… have led to a “culture of insults” in the world.

- So you can stop altogether - or you can just “unfollow” Prez Trump on Twitter.

*****

A delivery guy in London tried to deliver 4 cheeseburger pizzas to Buckingham palace that were ordered from Dominos by “someone named Elizabeth”.

- You’d think the Queen would be more of a Burger King gal.

*****

In one of his tweets President Trump suggested that the Moon is a part of Mars.

- In his defense he doesn’t know much about Mars since he deported all the Aliens.

*****

NASA is going to being welcoming tourists to visit the International Space Station starting in 2020.

- And you thought driving the kids to Cedar Point took forever.

- Can you imagine how many times you’re gonna hear “Are we there yet???”

*****

25 years after the murders of his ex-wife Nicole and her friend Ron Goldman, OJ Simpson says “life is fine” and that he plays golf almost everyday.

- This year alone he’s found 257 lost balls on the golf course. But not one killer.

*****

Ticket sales for the Elton John biopic “Rocketman” fell by 57% in its second weekend.

- Maybe people aren’t going because they think “Rocketman” is a musical about Buzz Aldrin.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Today is the 75th Anniversary of D-Day… the most famous Seaborne Invasion in history… which saved Western Europe and indeed the world from Nazi domination.

I’d like to share a little known story of an event that happened eleven years after D-Day involving General Dwight D. Eisenhower, who led the invasion. It was 1955, Eisenhower was now President of the United States and he’d accepted an invitation to give the commencement address at the University of Pennsylvania - where his brother Milton was President. The day before the Graduation Ceremonies - which were to be held outdoors - Milton became concerned about forecasts calling for strong winds and heavy rains on the big Day. Milton called his brother Dwight at the White House to warn him about the impending storms and to ask it he should move the ceremony indoors. Eisenhower replied, “That’s your decision Milton. I haven’t worried about the weather forecast since June 6, 1944”.

*****

A growing number of Democratic Candidates are trying to raise funds by asking supporters for ONE DOLLAR in Facebook ads.

- The only difference between todays Dems and Bill Clinton is they’re ASKING for a single while Bill handed them out.

*****

New in grocery stores this week… Snickers Flavored Chocolate Milk.

- They get it by milking brown cows with nuts.

*****

A Taco Bell customer in Louisiana called 911 in a panic because her local Taco Bell had run out of shells.

- Normally, customers only call when Taco Bell runs out of Toilet Paper.

*****

Coffee Shops in North Korea are replacing human workers with “Robot Baristas”.

- To make the robots “just like Starbucks”, the Robot Baristas have blue hair and live with their robot parents.

*****

Madonna says she preferred life before cell phones.

- In a related story, a lot of people preferred music before Madonna.

*****

Researchers say that when you’re stressed out it makes your dog stressed out too.

- Experts say you should tell your dog to relax and remind them that Shih Tzu happens.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

We didn’t have a blog yesterday due to a Facebook glitch, but as you know, a Librarian named Emma Boettcher beat 32-game winner James Holzhauer on Jeopardy! Monday night.

- So James’ “Gambling System” is no match for Emma’s “Dewey Decimal System”.

BTW: My comment based on a leaked video that James was a “dummy” for only betting $1399 in Final Jeopardy was meant as a JOKE! He’s certainly no dummy!

*****

To mark it’s 40th anniversary, "The Muppet Movie" is returning to theaters for 2 days only - July 25th and 30th.

- Miss Piggy says it will be crazy to see her younger self on film and admits that these days, she’s got a lot more back bacon.

*****

George Michael left nothing to his two lovers in his $125 million dollar will and instead gave all the money to his sisters and dad.

- George spelled out his wishes in a song: “I’m Not Leaving You Stuff… After I Go-Go”.

*****

Bette Midler and Prez Trump are in a Twitter war after she tweeted a long ago proven Fake quote attributed to him. In response he called her a “washed up psycho”.

- Their relationship may be frosty now, but just remember, in the winter, deep beneath the bitter snow… Lies a seed, that with the sun’s love, in the Spring… becomes the Rose.

*****

Amazon has announced new “Same Day Delivery” for Prime Members.

- Which is great when you just can’t wait two days for a Crock-Pot and 36 Rolls of Toilet Paper.

*****

A Texas woman says she was shocked when she cut into her daughter’s graduation cake and discovered that Walmart had given her a display cake made of Styrofoam.

- On the bright side, it was low in sugar and had a full day’s worth of fiber.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Queen Elizabeth greeted President Trump at Buckingham Palace this morning.

- In keeping with tradition, she led the massive crowd gathered outside in “The Wave”.

*****

A leaked video clip from Jeopardy! appears to show 32-time Champ James Holzhauer who has won over $2 Million - finally LOSING on tonight’s episode of Jeopardy… After betting TOO LITTLE money going into Final Jeopardy.

- What a dummy!

*****

A study by the British Heart Foundation debunked concerns that coffee is bad for you - and said you can drink up to 25 CUPS A DAY without causing heart problems.

- We tried to call the scientists responsible for this report but they weren’t available since they’d all checked into a Sleep Clinic.

*****

Scientists in Germany were baffled by mysterious flashes of light coming from the moon.

- Turns out Kim Kardashian was using the flash while taking selfies of her butt.

*****

The Elton John Biopic, “Rocketman,” pulled in just $25 million in its box office debut - about half of what producers had expected.

- Producers say they’re rethinking their promotional strategy and need a few days to Get their Duck Suits in a Row.

*****

According to a new scientific survey, the Loch Ness Monster might be REAL.

- This, from British Scientist… a Mr. B. Foot.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Bruce Springsteen announced that he’s recording a new album and going back on tour with the E Street Band in the fall.

- Although at 67, Bruce is now calling it the “EKG Band”.

*****

Nineteen people were injured chasing an 8 pound wheel of cheese down a hill during Britain’s annual “Cheese Roll”.

- So this is what people in England do when they’re not arguing about Brexit.

- Officials announced they’re cancelling next years event saying “It’s time to cut the cheese”.

*****

One of the stars of Game of Thrones says the coffee cup left on a table during a scene wasn’t from Starbucks but “was from Costco”.

- Apparently one of the producers got the cup when he was at Costco picking up a Rotisserie Mutton Leg and Pallet of Crossbows.

- FYI: Yesterday marked the anniversary of the “Last Day of the Middle Ages”. (True!) Apparently they woke up on a Wednesday and said, “Well that was fun! Time to move on”.

*****

Sharon Osbourne is getting more plastic surgery done in August so when she comes back to “The Talk” in the fall she will have a whole new look.

- She says her husband Ozzie “won’t be able to recognize me”. But to be honest, Ozzie didn’t recognize her at breakfast this morning.

*****

Arnold Schwarzenegger has made his rapping debut in the video for a new song called "Pump It Up".

- He’s going by the name “Snoop Dog Schwarzenegger”.

*****

Cher posted a Tweet saying she hoped that President Trump would be jailed and sexually assaulted by “Bubba Bob” in prison.

- If only Cher could put out hit records as often as she Tweets, she’d actually have a CAREER.

*****

A Louisiana woman was arrested for beating up her wife after she accidentally put her marijuana in the wash.

- Doesn’t she know your supposed to Launder the MONEY… NOT the DRUGS???

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Jeopardy! star James Holzhauer has now won over 2 MILLION DOLLARS on the show.

- He’s won so much cash… the SHOW is now in Jeopardy.

NOTE: Encouraging news from Alex Trebek who says his treatment for Pancreatic Cancer is working well so far!

*****

The hottest thing at the pool this summer may be the “Towel-kini” which combines a bathing suit and a beach towel.

- Next up: The “STRING Towel-kini” which will combine a bathing suit and a wash cloth.

*****

A leading relationship coach is predicting that by the year 2050 most people will be DATING ROBOTS.

- On the bright side… when you call customer service you’ll actually get a human being on the phone.

*****

Canada, Denmark and Russia have all submitted paperwork to a special UN committee that they say proves they (individually) are the rightful “owner” of the North Pole.

- EXCUSE ME??? Did they forget about a guy named… SANTA CLAUS???

*****

A woman in Rhode Island managed to get away from a Black Bear who opened the passenger door of the car she was in at a camp ground and tried to get in.

- The woman said the bear was “Wearing a green hat and necktie”, seemed “Smarter than your average bear” and answered to the name “Yogi”.

- The bear was not seriously hurt, but did get a Boo-Boo.

*****

Researchers say that spending a day “Doing Nothing” can be a great way to make yourself more creative and productive.

- So that “Do Nothing” slacker whose dating your daughter may be the next Jeff Bezos.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

O.J. Simpson claims he seduced Kris Jenner in a hot tub in 1990.

- Proving once again that O.J. is a real lady killer.

*****

Tech experts say the hottest trend in Smartphones these days is “Not buying a new one” - with more and more people holding on to their old model.

- In the interest of transparency I have to admit: I dropped and broke my old flip phone a couple weeks ago and went 2 WEEKS WITHOUT A CELL PHONE. And somehow… I survived!!

*****

Kim Kardashian has filed to trademark her newborn son’s name so she can sell hair accessories, home furnishings, etc… under his name “Psalm West”.

- I really thought they were gonna go with something more traditional like “Deuteronomy”.

- And - IF they had had TWIN boys - “First and Second Samuel”.

- Hey… Judge not, lest ye be judged.

*****

President Trump attended a sumo-wrestling match in Japan on Monday.

- He looked terrific in his “Make Fat Guys In Spandex Loincloths Great Again” baseball cap.

*****

Hillary Clinton marched in the Memorial Day Parade in Chappaqua, NY yesterday leading some to speculate that she’s thinking about running in 2020.

- Talk about a glutton for punishment.

*****

According to reports, Lori Loughlin’s daughter Olivia Jade “Knew full well” that her parents bought her way into USC.

- Looking at her original SAT scores, this is apparently the only thing Olivia Jade DID know.

*****

Thoughts and Prayers for Dan Gilbert and his family as he recovers from a Stroke he suffered over the Holiday Weekend.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Copy of Memorial Day 2015

For a dozen years following the attacks on 9/11, as we approached Memorial Day, I would read a poem on the air called "The Inscription". 

It was sent to me by an Ohio listener named Paul Reside and was written by Paul's Grandmother, Annabelle Gunnett Jones, who composed it in 1932. 

Annabelle was inspired to write the poem by her husband, a World War I Veteran, as a tribute to the Unknown Soldier, and was published by the Perry County Ohio newspaper on what was then called "Decoration Day". 

On this Memorial Day, as we remember those who have given their lives in the cause of Freedom, I hope you will enjoy my reading of the poem from the radio show, which you can hear by clicking on the link below. 

“The Inscription” by Annabelle Gunnett Jones  (1:52)

I hope you are enjoying a safe and happy Memorial Day Weekend. God Bless America!

-Dick 

P.S. Here are three songs that I find appropriate to play today… 

Stars and Stripes Forever

Whitney Houston - Star Spangled Banner

Ray Charles - America The Beautiful 

Over my last few years on the air, I recited the following poem every Memorial Day Weekend in honor and in memory of the brave men and women who made the Ultimate Sacrifice defending the freedom and liberty we are so lucky to enjoy in this country.

The poem, “The Inscription”, was sent to us by a listener, Paul Reside.  

Paul’s Grandmother, Annabelle Gunnett Jones wrote it around 1932.  The poem had been printed in the Perry County, Ohio newspaper for a number of years on “Decoration Day”, or as we know it today - “Memorial Day”. Annabelle was inspired to write the poem by her husband, a WWI Veteran, as a tribute to the Unknown Soldier.

As you enjoy your Memorial Day, I encourage you to take a moment to share “The Inscription” with your family and friends... especially your children. Let it serve as a reminder to us all of the gratitude owed the brave men and women of our Armed Forces who have laid down their lives so that we may live ours.  

Just click on the link below to hear me reading the words written almost 90 years ago - that still resonate today.   

The Inscription by Annabelle Gunnett Jones

I hope you are enjoying a safe and happy Memorial Day Weekend. God Bless America!

-Dick 

P.S. Below are some of my favorite Patriotic musical performances.

Micheal Avenatti has been charged with stealing $300,000 from his former client Stormy Daniels and “stealing her identity”.

- If I was gonna steal someone’s identity, I don’t think I’d pick someone who’d give me an STD.

*****

A survey found that parents think young children should start focusing on their career choice by the age of five.

- I agree! By the time I was five I had already definitely decided I was going to become either Batman or a Bus Driver.

*****

A 44 year old man in China woke up after a night of heavy drinking to find that his, um, well, you know had been severed.

- Note to Guys: Pay attention the next time your bartender says she’s going to “Cut you off”.

- He never should have agreed to that game of “Strip Bobbitt”.

*****

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez says that growing “Cauliflower” is a sign of “Colonialism” and people should grow vegetables that represent their cultural heritage.

- Here’s an idea… How about growing vegetables that you actually like to eat???

*****

First they told us not to French Kiss COWS, now the Centers for Disease Control is warning people not to “kiss or snuggle” CHICKENS after an outbreak of salmonella sickened 52 people in multiple states.

- Oh sure… Kissing Chickens is always fun until somebody gets food poisoning.

- And just like that I have to change my Memorial Day Weekend plans.

- Multiple states, huh? Apparently “Poultry Snuggling” is more popular than I thought.

*****

Kim Kardashian alerted her nearly 61 million Twitter followers to the fact that she had “a serious complaint” with the Jack in the Box hamburger chain.

- I’m bettin’ it had something to do with the buns being too small.

*****

The 2019 World Beard and Mustache Championships are underway in Belgium with male categories for best mustache, partial beard and full beard. They’re also handing out prizes to women for best “Artificial Facial Hair”.

- Then there’s the “Bruce Jenner Award” which goes to the Woman with the best REAL facial hair.

*****

Have a Happy & Safe Memorial Day Weekend and I’ll see you back here on Monday!

-Dick

According the the Russian rumor mill, Vladimir Putin’s 36 year old alleged mistress has given birth to twins but the Kremlin is refusing to comment.

- Or as the Media is reporting it: “Trump Fathers Putin’s Illegitimate Twins”.

- At last we know! There WAS Collusion with the Russians… Or at least ONE Russian.

*****

You may have heard that Austrian Men have been told to “Stop French-Kissing Cows” because of a strange “challenge” sweeping social media - well now it’s got it’s own hashtag.

- They’re calling it the #MooToo Mooovement.

*****

Reigning Jeopardy! champ James Holzhauer won his 23rd consecutive game last night, bringing his total winnings to a whopping $1,780,237.

- His ex-wife says she’s not surprised adding, “He’s got an Answer for EVERYTHING”.

*****

A French mayor is offering free Viagra to couples in his town in order to boost the local birth rate.

- Thus the expression: “Sacre Little Bleu Pill”!

*****

1.3 Million angry “Game of Thrones” fans have signed a Change.org petition demanding that producers remake the series’ eighth season.

- In Medieval terms this is known as a “Doeth Over”.

*****

According to new research, “polite” comments on the internet are perceived as more believable than short, angry “impolite” responses.

- WTH???

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Joe Biden held his official campaign launch rally in Philly over the weekend and drew a crowd of 6000 people.

- Joe said he was really “touched” by the turnout. As were most of the women in the audience.

*****

Little Caesars is testing out meatless sausage crumbles - made out of pea protein and seasonings on a new pizza that also comes with onions and peppers and costs $12.

- Arby’s is rumored to be doing the same thing with the slogan “We Have the PEA PROTEIN!”

- $12 for a Veggie Pizza? That’s a lotta Pepperoni!

*****

An electronic billboard burst into flames in Times Square on Saturday.

- The last time something burst into flames on Broadway Liberace was in town.

*****

American scientists have artificially created the loudest-possible underwater sound - equivalent to two jet engines taking off.

- Before this the record for loudest underwater sound was held by Big Al during a swim at the YMCA.

*****

Art experts have discovered a drawing of a robed man in a chair they they claim Michaelangelo sketched when he was just 12 years old.

- It’s a great pic… except for the Starbucks coffee cup on the table.

*****

With “Game of Thrones” officially over, the website Bark.com is offering up therapists who - for $50 Bucks - will help despondent fans deal with their “anger, confusion, sadness & grief” over the show ending.

- We can only hope these grief counselors will be around when “The View” goes off the air.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Beto O’Rourke went on “The View” Monday to apologize for his “White Male Privilege” and for appearing on the cover of Vanity Fair magazine.

- Seems to me he’s apologizing for the wrong things… He should apologize for going on “The View”.

*****

The U.S. navy has released the finding from a probe into a 2017 incident in which a pilot drew the outline of his “manhood” in the sky.

- Thus the famous line, “It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! It’s a Penis!”

*****

Roger Daltry of the “Who” blasted pot smokers during the band’s concert in NYC Monday.

- Daltry is 75. To be fair, most of the people at a “Who” concert are smoking pot for their Glaucoma.

*****

A woman in Maine is taking her ex-boyfriend to court to get visitation rights for what used to be THEIR dog.

- Hollywood is putting their story on film with a remake of the iconic Humphrey Bogart movie retitled: “The CANINE Mutiny”.

*****

Oreos will release five new flavors this summer including Mint Chocolate Chip, Maple Creme and one inspired by the moon landing.

- This is One Small Step for Oreos… One Giant Leap for your Pant Size.

*****

The Russian Government is demanding that NASA explain why the International Space Station smells like alcohol.

- Sounds like somebody’s been working on more than “Moon Shots”.

*****

For the first time in 125 years, Hershey is changing the look of it’s famous chocolate bars - ditching their logo for Emojis instead. That reminds me of one of the great radio bloopers of all time. Back in the ‘50’s famous CBS newsman Lowell Thomas was reporting on President Eisenhower’s visit to the Hershey plant in PA. Lowell said “President Eisenhower today visited the Chocolate City. The President driving into Hershey, Pennsylvania to celebrate his 63rd Birthday. 30 thousand or more people were cheering him… all the folks who make Hershey chocolate… with and without nuts”. When he realized what he had just said, he broke up so badly that he couldn’t go on and ended his newscast early. I used to love to play this on the air from time to time. It’s a classic!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick