A "Fake News" website now claims they made up the entire story about Donald Trump bringing Hookers to a Russian Hotel Room to "defile" a bed once slept in by the Obamas and then leaked the story to the media and US Intelligence. 

- I miss the good old days when the most shocking "Fake News"s story was that Spaghetti grew on trees. 

*****

President Obama delivered his farewell address to the nation last night, bringing many in the audience, including Joe Biden to tears. 

- Joe was just crying because his last assigned duty as VP is to move all the furniture out of the White House.

*****

A new study found that Worldwide, people who lean Right politically are better looking than those on the Left. 

- Apparently the guys who conducted the study didn't watch the Golden Globes. 

- This explains why Bernie Sanders wasn't voted People's "Sexiest Man Alive" for 2016. 

*****

U2's lead singer Bono announced that the group will delay the release of their new album because "the world is a different place since Trump was elected" and they want to double-check the lyrics of the songs. (Whatever that means) 

- So millions of people will have to wait longer for a free copy of the album they don't want, to be downloaded for free on their iPhones. 

***** 

Kim Kardashian's chauffeur has been released by French Police after being arrested for taking part in the robbery of her in Paris last year. 

- It's not that he's innocent... it's just that Kim needed someone to drive her to "Bed, Butt's & Beyond". 

*****

Michael Moore told MSNBC that Americans need to get up off the couch and fight Donald Trump. 

- Of course the only time Michael gets off his couch is when the guy from Domino's rings his doorbell. 

*****

Japanese scientists caught a male monkey having sex with a female deer in the wild, marking the first time ever that two different species have been observed having consensual sex. 

- I thought for sure Madonna's name would appear somewhere in this story.  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

A study by the National Weather Service found that the average temp in in the lower 48 States yesterday was 11 degrees, that's 9 degrees colder than any day in 2016. 

- But that still wasn't as cold as Meryl Streep's Golden Globe speech about Donald Trump. 

*****

Meanwhile some professional athletes are up in arms after Meryl said that if Hollywood went away, Americans would have nothing to watch "but Mixed Martial Arts and Football."

- Colin Kaepernick is so mad, he's going to take a knee before watching "Mama Mia" on Netflix. 

*****

Clemson stunned Alabama by winning the National College Football Championship with a last second touchdown pass. 

- There hasn't been this much talk about a pass since Bill Clinton hit on Monica Lewinsky. 

*****

A new study shows that exacting revenge on someone who has wronged you can actually improve your mood. 

- If Hillary Clinton can figure out a way to get back at Vladimir Putin, she's gonna be "The Happiest Girl In The Whole U.S.A."

*****

President Obama told reporters he thinks Obamacare will survive his Presidency. 

- Which is technically true since as a former President, Obama will get free health Care for the rest of his life. 

*****

French police arrested 17 men in connection with the Kim Kardashian robberies, including the chauffeur who drove her around Paris.

- The only thing we know about the suspects is that they're not French... otherwise they would have surrendered. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A new app called Shovler can connect you with people in your area who are willing to shovel your driveway for money.

- Just press the button and it calls your teenager. 

*****

Osama Bin Laden's eldest son has just been put on the Terrorist Watch List. 

- Which is great. 16 years too late, but still pretty great. 

- You know what they say...  "The Rotten Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree". 

*****

"The People vs. O.J. Simpson" took home the Golden Globe for best TV Mini Series last night. 

- I haven't seen it yet so please Don't tell me how it ends. 

*****

Charles Manson is reportedly too weak to undergo surgery at a hospital in California. 

- He would be surrounded by members of his "family"... but they're all in prison. 

*****

Kim Kardashian told E! Network the during her robbery in Paris last year, she was afraid they were going to shoot her in the back. 

- If they had shot her in the backSIDE, I'm pretty sure that's one bullet that never would have been recovered. 

*****

Carrie Fisher was cremated Friday and her ashes were buried in a container designed to look like a giant Prozac pill. 

- Usually the people ATTENDING the funeral need Prozac, not the deceased.

- Bill Clinton announced that he wants to be buried in a casket shaped like Cialis, "So When The Moment's Right In The Afterlife, He'll Be Ready". 

*****

Yesterday would have been Elvis's 82nd Birthday. 

- He would have celebrated by swiveling his two new artificial hips. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

CNN snapped a pic of a Moving Truck between the Executive Office Building and the White House yesterday.

- The Secret Service immediately surrounded the vehicle saying they had apprehended "Two Men and a Truck". 

- Joe Biden said he was "Surprised", since he'd already volunteered to help Barrack move the Oval Office couch. 

*****

Fox News has announced that with the departure of Megyn Kelly to NBC her old 9pm time slot will be filled by Tucker Carlson. 

- The wardrobe department is now busy fitting him with a blond hairpiece and a low cut dress, hoping nobody will notice. 

*****

China lashed out at Donald Trumps use of Twitter saying it is "Undesirable" and that "Diplomacy is not a child's game".

- Which is exactly why they don't allow their 5 year old factory workers to Tweet about their low wages. 

*****

Despite not voting for Trump, the Bush family announced that they will attend the Inauguration.

- Jeb plans to sleep through it, just like he did during the Presidential Primary Debates. 

*****

A group of Irish researchers discovered a new organ inside the human body. 

- Actually they THOUGHT they had found a new organ, but it was just a shot glass their Irish test subject had accidentally swallowed while drinking a Boilermaker. 

*****

Meryl Streep has been asked to speak at the public memorial for Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher. 

- I can't wait to hear which accents she's gonna use!

*****

82 year old Charles Manson is said to be seriously ill and has been rushed from prison to a hospital. 

- Didn't we loose enough cherished celebrities last year?

*****

Kim Kardashian West has rejoined Social Media - but has dropped her married name and is just posting as "Kim". 

- But not as "Lil Kim" because that name is already taken, and besides, nobody would take it seriously. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

The Better Business Bureau has revoked the accreditation of My Pillow and lowered its rating to an "F" based on a pattern of complaints by consumers. 

- They were going to lower the rating yesterday, but decided to sleep on it.

- For a guy who guarantees a great night sleep... this is a nightmare.

*****

Fox News Anchor Megyn Kelly is leaving the network after 12 years to go to NBC. 

- Where the heck is Fox News gonna find another hot blond newswoman to take her place???

*****

Arnold Schwarzenegger, who's taking over for Donald Trump on "The Apprentice" will swap out "You're Fired" for "You're Terminated... Hasta La Vista, Baby!"

- Isn't "Hasta La Vista" what he and his hispanic maid named their baby? 

*****

The Buffalo Zoo's new Polar Bear made his public debut on Saturday. 

- Turns out he likes girls AND boys, making him the Zoo's first Bi-Polar Bear. 

*****

The Cannabis Coalition will be handing out thousands of free joints in Washington, DC during Donald Trump's Inauguration. 

- Bill Clinton may not inhale, but I have a feeling Hillary will. 

*****

The first reprint of Adolf Hitler's "Mein Kampf" since World War II has become a best seller in Berlin.

- But that's only because they tried to make it sexier by renaming it "Fifty Shades Of The Germans Wore Grey". (Casablanca, anyone?) 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Mariah Carey is claiming that her botched New Year's Eve performance was intentionally sabotaged by ABC to generate ratings. 

- Oh c'mon. We all know it was the Russians! 

*****

A new survey found that 40% of Millennials don't have basic survival skills like knowing how to tie a knot or read a map. 

-  It they run into those issues, they just go to the bottom of the basement stairs and yell up "Hey Mom... a little help here?" 

*****

President Obama's closest adviser, Valerie Jarrett, says the President prides himself on the fact that he hasn't done anything to embarrass himself while in office. 

- Unless you count a little thing like sending Iran $150 Billion. 

*****

Prez-Elect Trump says he may skip email and write top secret messages on paper and send them through a courier. 

- Nothing new here... This is the system I used in elementary school when I wanted to send a message to a buddy of mine sitting across the room. 

*****

Meanwhile the Chief Executive of "Twitter" in China has resigned. 

- He hadn't planned on leaving, but he got a fortune cookie message that read: "Resign yourself to new job opportunities in 2017". 

*****

For the first time in a long time, the most popular New Year's Resolution among Americans wasn't "To lose weight"... it was "To be a better person". 

- And Marie Osmond responded, "Trust me... you'll feel like a MUCH better person if you beat that Belly Bloat with Nutri-System!"

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

From the entire Purtan Family to You and Yours... Happy New Year!

May 2017 bring you Joy, Love, Peace, Health & Happiness! 

I don't even know how to begin to thank you for the incredible outpouring of responses to my Anniversary post about my wonderful wife Gail. We were both astounded by the number of "Likes", "Loves" and "Shares", and your comments... Truly amazing. Your good wishes, stories about listening to the show, personal remembrances, and those of you who said you gained hope and inspiration from Gail's battle with Cancer meant so much to us.  We not only read every one... but printed them out so we will have them to look back on. There was even one man who said that our having six daughters made him decide to get a vasectomy after he and his wife had only two! Priceless. Please know that you all made two kids from Buffalo smile. (And yes... mine is still crooked... I just hide it with the mustache!) 

And now on to our attempt at a Christmas Podcast...

You may have noticed that we've had some technical difficulties of late, so we brought in our IT guy to do his thing and make sure everything was back on track during the Podcast. The result? Well... it recorded, but it's a bit raspy. At least we're making progress! 

Jackie and I attempt to sing some Christmas Music (key word: "attempt") and I reveal which of the many novelty Holiday songs I played on the radio was my favorite (even thought some listeners thought it was "Non PC"). I also share my proudest achievement in high school (other than actually graduating!), and we talk about a few great movies and one terrible one. 

It's short and sweet... think of it as an "Audio Elf". 

Have a great day, and again, thank you so much! 

See you back here Christmas Day...

-Dick  

On this day...a few years back... (ahem) I had the honor of marrying Gail Nulton, my high school sweetheart and the girl of my dreams. I was 16 and she was 15 when we met. Four and a half years later, we "took the plunge" as they say, and said our "I Do's" on a cold day in our hometown of Kenmore, NY.  The photo above was snapped at her parent's house right after we returned from our brief honeymoon in NYC. Thus the slightly nervous smiles on both of our faces!! The two of us knowing that the two of them knew, that we knew, that they knew, well... you get the picture. Those were different days... 

Gail, the kindest, most giving woman I've ever known, cheered me on as we zig-zagged across the country from one radio station to another, finally landing in Detroit, as I pursued my dream of making it in Radio. And always with a smile on her face. (Even when we moved to Baltimore and I was fired after 5 weeks - just as she finished hanging the curtains!) 

Along the way, she gave me (at least I think they're mine) 6 beautiful girls. Over the years, lots of people have said, "Dick... 6 Girls! You're amazing!" and I always reply, "Hey... it took Gail 54 months... It's only took me 6 minutes!" 

Our beautiful girls went on to bless us with eight incredible grandchildren - 2 Girls - and, unbelievably, 6 Boys! And I think it says a lot about Gail that everyone in our family lives within 20 minutes of our house. 

Our life together has been an incredible adventure... meeting John F. Kennedy... our home movies with The Beatles taken when we brought them to Cincinnati in 1964... Gail singing a duet with Regis Philbin a few years ago at Andiamo's... and so much more.  

We have been lucky enough to take wonderful vacations... with our family... with friends... and sometimes, just the two of us. 

We have faced down health crises both with our kids and ourselves. In fact, next month marks 20 years since Gail was diagnosed with advanced Ovarian Cancer and given a 20% chance of making it 5 years. 

Two decades later, she is here, next to me as always, celebrating the Anniversary of our Wedding. 

This time of year, with Christmas just days away, you often come across "It's A Wonderful Life" on TV. 

And I can tell you... Thanks to the strong, beautiful, funny, generous, charitable, thoughtful and loving young girl sitting next to the guy with the crooked smile... mine, indeed, has been... and continues to be... A Wonderful Life. 

Happy Anniversary Gail. I Love You more than you can ever know! 

-Dick

Yesterday, President Obama granted clemency to 231 Federal Prison Inmates... the most ever by a US President in a single day... but Kwame Kilpatrick wasn't one of them. 

- On the bright side, this means Kwame can continue his role in the Prison's "Living Nativity Scene". He plays the Ass standing next to the Ox. 

*****

Donald Trump officially became the President-Elect of the U.S. when he was certified by the Electoral College yesterday. 

- Unlike most guys leaving College, instead of moving into his parent's basement, he's moving into the White House. 

*****

Michelle Obama told Oprah she wouldn't rule out a run for the Presidency. 

- It would mark the first time in U.S. history that a woman has come close to becoming President... correction, it would be the first time a woman who wears Skirts could make it all the way to the Oval Office. 

*****

Speaking of "Skirts"... Bill Clinton says that Donald Trump's only talent is "getting Angry White Men to vote for him".

- I can think of one Angry White Man who didn't vote for Trump... Bill Clinton. 

*****

Scientists claim that humans aren't the only ones who "go gray" due to stress... They say the same thing happens to dogs who lead stressful lives. 

- The Makers of "Just For Men" hair coloring immediately introduced "Just For Shitzu's". 

*****

A U.S. Marshall pulled a gun on a McDonald's employee who was taking too long to bring his Filet-o-Fish. 

- The quick thinking employee escaped injury by kneeing the Marshall in his McNuggets. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

RIP... Zsa Zsa Gabor who has died of a heart attack at the age of 99. She was married nine times and once said, "I'm a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man... I keep his house".  

In related news.... RIP Dr. Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich maneuver, who has died at the age of 96.

- We're checking a rumor that he died of a heart attack while trying to save Zsa Zsa who was choking on one her diamond rings. 

*****

Merriam-Webster's Dictionary has announced the "Word of the Year" for 2016, and the winner is: "Surreal". It's defined as "unbelievable".

- Or as Hillary Clinton defines it: "I lost??? Are you kidding me???". 

*****

China has agreed to return the Underwater Drone that it stole off a U.S. Navy ship in International Waters. 

- They've agreed to return it... but the U.S. has to pay for shipping and handling. 

*****

President Elect Trump is taking heat for a spelling error on Twitter... in which he said called the Chinese stealing of the drone "Un Presidented" instead of "Unprecedented". 

- In a related story... Democrats are pressuring the Electoral College to "Un President" Trump when they cast their votes later today. 

*****

Tech experts are warning that hot Christmas Gifts like Fitbit may be hacked by people's employers... so they'd know things like how many calories employees are consuming. 

- Which isn't that big of a deal, unless you work for Jenny Craig. 

- In a related story, Michael Moore bought himself a Fitbit... and then ate it. 

*****

73 year old Mick Jagger and his 32 year old girlfriend have announced that they've named their  newborn baby (Mick's 8th child... that we know of) "Deveraux". 

- The baby is said to have Her eyes and Mick's lips... which is making Breast Feeding incredibly painful. 

*****

An amendment to Italy's Civil Code means that married couples will no longer have to pledge to be faithful in their Wedding Vows. 

- After hearing the news, Bill Clinton asked Hillary to fly to Italy for a romantic trip to Renew their vows. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see your back here Tuesday!

-Dick

In the largest computer Hack so far, Yahoo announced that more than One Billion of it's users names, email addresses, passwords, dates of birth, and phone numbers were breached in 2013. 

- This explains why I keep getting calls from Vladimir Putin.

- Yahoo is encouraging users to change their Passwords immediately... so Hackers will have something to work on over Christmas Break. 

*****

A top NASA Scientist is warning that the Earth is due for an "Extinction Level Event". 

- Top Democrats are like, "Duh... Trump already won the election!"

*****

A group of Hollywood Celebrities, led by Martin Sheen, released a video urging Electors not to cast their ballots for Donald Trump on Monday.

- I think we can all trust Martin Sheen... He did such a great job raising his son Charlie. 

- And of course he played a President on the TV show "The West Wing"... so what better qualifications could he have??

*****

According to a Facebook study 62% of Americans admitted that they have purchased a present for themselves while Christmas Shopping. 

- The other 38% lied. 

*****

A Brown University study found that drinking white wine can increase your chance of getting melanoma. 

- Look for "Pinot Grigio SPF 45" coming to a store near you. 

*****

Just hours after releasing driverless Uber cars onto the streets of San Francisco, one of the cars was caught on video running a red light. 

- Cops pulled the car over... but couldn't figure out who to ticket. 

 *****

A friend of the Jackson Family claims Micheal Jackson once got upset with Madonna because she told reporters he needed to change his look. 

- Apparently it really got Michael's nose out of joint. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Kim Jong Un got drunk and ordered top North Korean officials to come to his villa and write letters of apology to him, but the next morning had no memory of it and asked why they were all at his house. 

- For once KJU was doing Jell-O shots instead of real ones. 

- We should all just be glad he didn't decide to play "Spin the Nuclear Missile".

*****

A Chinese newspaper says Donald Trump acted like an "Ignorant Child" by taking a phone call from Taiwan. 

- This from the country who has millions of Innocent Children working double-shifts at the "Trump 2016" T-Shirt Factory. 

*****

Uber has updated it's App so it will continue to track customers for 5 minutes after they they're dropped off. 

- So all those drunk Passengers may not know where they are... but their Uber driver will! 

*****

A Gallup Poll found that 49% of Americans want to abolish the Electoral College. 

- And the other 51% think the Electoral College needs a better football team.

*****

A psychic said that last night's "Supermoon"... the third in the last three months... may push Christmas shoppers over the edge, and claims she's had visions of "women fighting over shoes". 

- That's not a "vision"... That's just the average Saturday at every Mall in America. 

*****

According to a new report, the divorce rate in the US is at its lowest point in 40 years. 

- See, it's true. Misery DOES Love Company. 

*****

Bill Cosby has asked a Pennsylvania judge for a plea deal so he doesn't have to sit through a trial. 

- Why doesn't he just make himself one of his special cocktails... He'll sleep through the trial and won't remember a thing. 

*****

RIP... Alan Thicke, star of the 80's hit TV show "Growing Pains", who died yesterday of a heart attack at the age of 69. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

Yesterday's storm left between 7 and 12 inches of Snow across Metro Detroit closing hundreds of schools and making for a messy commute. 

- Donald Trump tweeted, "See... I'm not even President yet and I've already created thousands of Shovel Ready Jobs". 

*****

Over the weekend, Trump's campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, was the Grand Marshall at the Christmas Parade in her hometown of Hammonton, New Jersey. 

- She almost didn't make it, but Trump convinced Chris Christie to open the Bridge. 

*****

More than 20 years after figure skater Nancy Kerrigan was attacked at a Detroit Ice Skating Rink, hand written notes by Tonya Harding have been uncovered proving that she planned the assault. 

- Tonya said the notes are fake and that the press is having "A knee jerk reaction". 

*****

This weekend, a Pastor in Texas walked up to children waiting in line to sit on Santa's lap, and yelled, "There is no Santa! There are no elves making toys! Christmas is about Jesus! Parents, stop lying to your kids!"

- Well I know one man who's getting coal in his stocking Christmas morning. 

*****

Kirk Douglas celebrated his 100th Birthday over the weekend... He attended his Birthday Party, had one shot of Vodka, and 20 minutes later went home to bed. (True!) 

*****

A Harvard study found that having an optimistic outlook on life could help you live longer. 

- Yeah, right!!!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Leo Di Caprio held a secret meeting with The Donald at Trump Tower yesterday to explain how "Going Green" could help create jobs. 

- Leo's so obsessed with Climate Change, a lot of people are starting to admit they wish he'd really gone down on the Titanic. 

*****

Donald Trump was voted "Man of the Year" by Time Magazine, but the Prime Minister of India won the reader's online vote. 

- Hillary could have taken the popular vote if only she's spent more time in the battleground areas of Calcutta and Mumbai. 

*****

Hillary will throw a Holiday themed party at the Plaza in NYC on December 15th for all of her Millionaire donors. 

- Tickets to the party are pricey... but include a FREE speech by Hillary! 

*****

For the first time since 2000, the average life span for an American has gone down. 

- But researchers admit the data was affected by people who were offed by their relatives during Thanksgiving dinner because of their political views.  

*****

The Iranian Government has opened a new theme park for "Revolutionary Children" featuring checkpoints, AK-47's and full Military Gear for the kids. 

- Makes "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride" seem kind of tame. 

*****

Giraffes have been put on the world's "Endangered Species Watch List". 

- Apparently they're doing a lot of "necking" but are never getting to the "reproducing" part. 

*****

A study by Rover.com found that the growing trend is for dog owners to give their pooches human names. 

- If only celebrities would catch on to this trend with their kids. 

*****

A University of Michigan study revealed that parents spend an average of 9 hours and 22 minutes everyday using media and technology. 

- It would have been longer, but they had to take a break to yell at their kids to stop playing with their phones and go play outside. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

74 year old Joe Biden told reporters that he will run for President in 2020 - which, at 78, would make him the oldest person ever to run for the American Presidency. 

- He's already got a campaign slogan... "Hey You Voters... Get Offa My Lawn!"

- If he's successful,  he'll be declared "The Early Bird Winner". 

*****

Madonna, Billboard Magazine's "Woman of the Year", said she felt like "someone died" when Trump won and that she hasn't gotten a good night's sleep since the election. 

- Then again, she's so busy sleeping around, she hasn't had a good night's sleep since 1983. 

*****

The price of Viagra and Cialis has quadrupled since 2010, which means those without insurance will have to pay $50 for each pill. 

- Which begs the question... "When The Moment's Right... Will You Have Enough Cash?"

- This has left a lot of men feeling a little blue. 

- BTW... If it takes you more than four hours to read this story, call your doctor immediately. 

*****

China has lodged a formal complaint with the US Government over Donald Trump's phone call with the President of Taiwan. 

- They're so mad they want to "Take him out" and if anybody knows "Take Out", it's the Chinese. 

*****

Meanwhile a Chinese Lending Company has been offering loans to young women in exchange for naked selfies... then threatening to send them to their families if they don't pay a 30% interest rate. 

- If they really want to make some dough, they should offer a loan to Anthony Weiner. 

*****

During a report near the blizzard-striken Dakota pipeline this morning - with a wind chill of 21 below zero - a Fox News Reporter said "Oh S---!" live on the air. 

- That's the Exact Same Thing everyone at CNN and MSNBC said on Election night - but their mics weren't on. 

*****

A Southwest Airlines flight had to be diverted after a baby was born on the plane mid-flight. 

- Airline execs congratulated the proud mom and dad... then charged the baby for an extra seat. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

The Russian made Jeep carrying Fidel Castro's ashes to the cemetery broke down and had to be pushed down the road by soldiers to a repair shop. 

- Just like Fidel himself, the breakdown was a Pain in the Ash. 

*****

Alec Baldwin says he'll stop doing his Donald Trump imitation on "Saturday Night Live" if the President Elect releases his tax returns. 

- C'mon Donald... release 'em so we can begin to make "SNL Great Again".

*****

Over three feet of snow fell over Hawaii this weekend... and more is on the way.

- The Weather Channel is doing a special on it called "Hawaii-Five-Snow".

*****

Time Magazine has revealed the short list for it's "Person of the Year". Nominees include Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Vladimir Putin, the Flint Water Crisis Whistleblowers and Beyonce. 

- Most of the nominees made a huge impact on World Events... and apparently Beyonce looked really hot at some Music Award Show . 

*****

A new study shows that eating one ounce of nuts a day can dramatically increase your lifespan. 

- Unless, of course, you happen to be allergic to nuts. 

*****

The New York Post is reporting that Anthony Weiner has been calling friends in the restaurant industry looking for a job. 

- He sent out a ton of resumes... but apparently nothing popped up. 

- I guess his Amateur Photography business isn't bringing in enough cash. 

*****

More photos surfaced over the weekend of Hillary Clinton hiking in the woods. 

- And just like her Campaign Strategists... she can't see the forest for the trees. 

- If she'd spend this much time hiking around states like Iowa and Michigan, she might have won the election.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Apple has been awarded a patent for a new design that would allow iPhones to be folded in half, thus making them Flip-Phones. 

- Attention Purtan girls: Apparently Dad's not so "Uncool" for sticking with his original Flip-Phone! 

- I knew my black socks and sandals made me "Fashion Forward" but I had no idea using my original Flip-Phone made me "Tech-Forward"!

*****

A study out of McGill University in Canada found that the more sex a woman has, the better her memory. 

- This explains why Lindsday Lohan always remembers where she hides her drugs. 

- And why a lot of married women can't remember where they put their car keys. 

*****

Great news... Kayne is out of the psych ward and back home with his wife Kim Kardashian.  

- Can you say "Christmas Miracle"???

- Seriously... Does it get any Butt-er than this?

*****

70 year old Donald Trump has swapped his "Make America Great Again" baseball cap for one that reads "USA" on the front and has "45" on the side. 

- "USA" shows his patriotism but "45" is just bragging about how young Melania is. 

*****

Inside sources say the iPhone 8 may have a 3D camera. 

- The technical name for it is the iAnthonyWeiner. 

*****

A new Twitter account called "HRC in the Wild" allows followers to track every move Hillary Clinton makes from a walk in the woods to going to the grocery store. 

- No offense, but I think tracking Bill's every move would be a lot more entertaining. 

*****

On the flip side, Hillary Clinton is now following Snoop Dogg on Twitter. 

- At first I was skeptical, but I Googled it and it's real fo shizzle. 

*****

A study published in the British Journal of Sports Medicine found that tennis players live longer than other athletes. 

- Upon hearing the news, John McEnroe threw down his racquet and shouted "YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!" 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Online surveys show that 122 Million Americans shopped on Cyber Monday. 

- Among them Hillary Clinton who saved a whopping 95% on an "I'm With Her!" coffee mug. 

*****

As if there wasn't enough bad news lately... Kim Kardashian has announced that she is shutting down production on "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" due to her husband Kanye West's hospitalization for a mental break down. 

- On the bright side, she's decided to film a new show in the hospital called "Keeping Up With Krazy Kanye". 

- Meanwhile Kanye told his doctors that "Beyonce had the greatest mental breakdown of all time". 

*****

The Victoria Secret "Angel" models have arrived in Paris to prepare for their upcoming lingerie fashion show. 

- We'll be sure to keep you Abreast of developments in this breaking story. 

*****

A new study found that only 1 in 5 adults really mean it when they say that they're "Fine". 

- And any man who's ever been married long enough, knows that 1 person who doesn't mean it is his wife. 

*****

A Canadian man was arrested for stealing $165,000 dollars in gold bars from a mint by hiding them... well... where the sun don't shine. 

- He sold them for cash. We can only hope it was Laundered Money. 

*****

A new erectile dysfunction pill called Noxitrill is marketing itself as "Viagra on Steroids". 

- This could really shrink sales of Viagra... among other things. 

*****

An Italian woman who just celebrated her 117th Birthday has been named "The Oldest Person in the World". 

- And as with everyone named "The Oldest Person In The World"... her funeral will be sometime next week.   

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Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick