“WHAT IS… GREAT NEWS!” The new season of Jeopardy! starts tonight… and ALEX TREBEK will be back behind the podium! He says he’s finished his chemotherapy treatment for Pancreatic Cancer and is feeling good! Wow!!

*****

A new report claims that China used something called “weather control” to change the direction of a storm.

- Big deal! Our President can do the same thing with a Magic Marker!

*****

Elizabeth Warren and Hillary Clinton have reportedly been talking behind the scenes about her 2020 presidential run.

- Question: Are they talking about Elizabeth’s run… or Hillary’s??

*****

The FAA is reporting that a door blew off a Boeing 777X during a stress test on Saturday.

- The hard part was getting the plane up on the treadmill.

*****

Mick Jagger told protesters at the Venice Film Festival that he’s right behind them in their efforts to fight climate change.

- Hear more about it in his song, “Hey, Hey, You, You… Stop Pollutin’ My Cloud”.

*****

“IT: Chapter Two” - the Evil Clown movie - won at the box office bringing in $90 million over the weekend, but two hundred clowns protested outside a theater in NY.

- What a bunch of Yahoos. (You thought I was going to say Bozos didn’t you??)

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

When a baby started crying during a campaign stop yesterday, Bernie Sanders looked over, pointed at the baby and said, “If we could keep that down a little bit?”

- Maybe he just needed a diaper change. And the baby did, too.

*****

A Swedish Scientist told a TV interviewer that in order to combat Climate Change, humans will have to turn to Cannibalism… like the move “Soylent Green”.

- I can see it now… “Peanut Butter & Jerry” sandwiches with a side of “Frank & Beans”.

*****

“College Gate” defendant Lori Loughlan’s marriage is reportedly on the rocks as she and her husband face up to 40 years in prison each.

- But they say they’re “committed to working things out” and have already paid thousands for another couple to attend marriage counseling for them.

*****

This coming Monday, Jerry Springier returns to daytime TV… not as a talk show host but as a “People’s Court” style Judge.

- On the new show Jerry will throw the book at them instead of chairs.

*****

A group of researchers from Seattle have created an artificial intelligence robot that was able to pass an 8th grade science test.

- They say eventually robots will be smarter than humans. For me, that day is today.

*****

A video of a woman bringing a therapy horse onto an American Airlines flight has gone viral.

- Most people think the world has gone insane allowing things like therapy horses on planes - at least according to the latest Gallup poll.

*****

A new exhibit at London’s Royal Academy Art Gallery forces visitors to squeeze between a naked man and a naked woman in order to enter. (True)

- They got the idea after going to last year’s Thanksgiving Dinner at Charlie Sheen’s house.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Scientists have discovered a gene mutation that allows some people to require only 4 hours of sleep a night - with no consequences of sleep deprivation.

- How do I get one of those mutations??

*****

A panel of health experts believe that Dolly Parton’s breast implants are leaking and could cause her death.

- I wonder who tipped ‘em off?

*****

A judge has ruled that a 62-year-old man named Peter Sloan - who claims he is William Shatner’s Love Child - CAN legally change his last name to Shatner.

- The judge said the man clearly “Had Shatner’s eyes… and Leonard Nimoy’s ears”.

*****

Hoda Kotb has returned to the Today Show following her maternity leave.

- Hoda was home bottle feeding for three months. And she had to feed the baby, too.

*****

Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez reportedly asked Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg for relationship advice.

- Someone needs to explain to them that she’s not the Doctor Ruth they were looking for.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Pope Francis got stuck in a Vatican elevator on Sunday and had to be rescued by Firefighters.

- Not surprisingly, the elevator was “Going Up” went it broke down.

*****

A Florida man told police he was vaping THC because he was preparing to meet up with Jesus.

- He should have just jumped on the Pope’s elevator.

*****

According to new research, “Impatience” is on the rise… with the average person getting frustrated after waiting just 16 seconds for a web page to load and 25 seconds for a traffic light to change.

- On the bright side, I’m so impatient I can’t even Procrastinate anymore.

*****

In an effort to alleviate the stress many people feel about how popular their posts are, Facebook is considering doing away with the “Like” button.

- Well I, for one, would give that a BIG THUMBS UP!!

*****

A Royal Insider says that Queen Elizabeth has a soft spot for fast food and often gets take-out from a Fish and Chips restaurant when she’s in Scotland.

- And for dessert, she grabs a Peanut Buster Parfait from Dairy Queen.

*****

Julie Andrews - star of “The Sound of Music” - received a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Venice Film Festival over the weekend.

- She thanked the crowd, and said “This makes 16 awards I’ve gotten for this movie… going on 17”.

- Then she waved and added, “So long, Farewell… Auf Wiedersehen, Adieu”

- The ceremony was held High on a Hill with a Lonely Goatherd. (Did we jump the shark with this one??)

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

With Thoughts and Prayers for all those in the path of Hurricane Dorian… Wishing you and yours a Safe, Happy & Healthy Labor Day!

See you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A Florida man was arrested for selling ecstasy pills shaped like Donald Trump.

- You’ve heard of the Little Blue Pill? This is known as the Little ORANGE Pill.

*****

A video of Bernie Sanders taking a right-handed swing at a punching bag on Tuesday went viral… because the “speed bag” flew back and hit him in the face.

- Bernie was taken to the hospital where he demanded Free Health Care.

*****

After hitting their peak in the late ‘60’s and early 70’s… the Wall Street Journal is reporting that Mustaches are coming back in style.

- I’ve been holding out for years and it’s FINALLY paying off!!

*****

Scientists have drawn up plans for a “Space Elevator” that would include a cable looped around the moon down to the earth’s atmosphere to speed up space travel… but admit it would still take days to get there.

- Days and days of standing in one place, facing forward, not talking, staring up at the numbers.

- With my luck I’d get stuck riding up with a kid who pressed all 240,000 buttons.

*****

Researchers at Michigan State found that people who are Divorced are twice as likely to develop dementia as their married counterparts - with Divorced Men at the highest risk.

- If this is true, Larry King is a goner.

*****

Taylor Swift says she has security cameras focused on her butt at all times after she was groped at a meet and greet in Colorado.

- She got the idea from Kim Kardashian - but Kim’s camera footage can only be watched on an IMAX screen.

*****

KFC is jumping into the plant-based meat business by testing “Beyond Fried Chicken” at some of it’s restaurants this week.

- Which brings up an important question: Why did the plant-based Chicken cross the road?

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Pluto officially lost its status as a Planet more than 13 years ago, but Jim Bridenstine, the official Government Administrator of NASA says he still believes Pluto IS a Planet because that’s how he “learned it”.

- Which is the exact same reason to me DTE will ALWAYS BE PINE KNOB!!!

*****

Eddie Murphy is going to host “Saturday Night Live” for the first time in thirty-five years this December.

- I know this because Eddie was my co-star in “Beverly Hills Cop III”… and because I read it in the paper.

*****

“Squad” member Ilhan Omar - who is rumored to have been married to her brother - is denying a new claim that she is having an affair with a married man and said, “I have no interest in really allowing the conversation about my personal life to continue and so I have no desire to discuss it.”

- And then she demanded that Trump release his personal tax returns.

*****

Kim Kardashian and her husband Kanye West took their kids to the Cheesecake Factory in Dayton, Ohio TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW this week.

- Kanye said their meals were good, but that “Beyonce had one of the best pieces of Cheesecake of all time”.

*****

PageSix is reporting that Bill Clinton was spotted having lunch at a restaurant in the Hamptons Tuesday wearing a “red Hawaiian shirt with pink flamingos on it and neon pink sneakers.”

- Proving that even if you were the leader of the free world, when you get old, you start making embarrassing fashion choices.

*****

On this day in 1609 Henry Hudson discovered the Delaware Bay.

- What he discovered is that it had been there all along.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

It’s National Rock, Paper, Scissors Day! Remember… Scissors Cut Paper, Rock smashes Scissors, Paper Covers Rock and Cobo Hall is now TCF Center. (I just couldn’t figure out how to work the name change into the blog).

*****

Yesterday, the internet went crazy over a pic of Melania Trump at the G7 Summit in Paris gazing up “romantically” at Canada’s Justin Trudeau.

- First Lady of Canada?? I hope she like’s Hockey!

*****

The Obama’s have reportedly put an almost $15 Million bid on a 7 bedroom house on Martha’s Vineyard.

- Now that’s “Hope and 14 Mil & Change You Can Believe In”.

*****

One new poll shows Joe Biden’s once sizable lead dwindling - and that he’s now in a three way statistical tie with Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren.

- Bernie said, “Now we each have an equal piece of the pie! Socialism at work!” And Elizabeth added, “Hey Joe… Put THAT in your Peace Pipe and smoke it!”

*****

Scientists at Edinburgh University are creating mutant sheep that can help humans fight against disease.

- Ironic! I was just counting mutant sheep last night to get to sleep.

*****

Researchers in Tel Aviv are developing an app that will let people bid on parking spots in crowded cities.

- So now you can easily land any parking spot you want in New York City… except, of course, for the one Alec Baldwin wants.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The author of a new study claims that mosquitos are the most dangerous threat to human life on the planet.

- So I guess this means White Men are off the hook.

*****

Former Spice Girl Mel “Scary Spice” B posted a video of herself naked, taking a shower with her Dog, leaving fans baffled.

- People didn’t know if it was a Boy or a Girl Dog until they saw that it was a Pointer.

*****

The widow of famed Hollywood Dancer Gene Kelly said it was “shocking and incomprehensible” that GMA’s Lara Spencer would make fun of William and Kate’s 7 year old son, Prince George of England, for taking Ballet Classes.

- Lara apologized and said she hopes the future King will grow up and star in a remake of “Singing in the Reign”.

*****

A Southwest Airlines gate agent in Orlando is being praised by passengers after she kept people happy during a long delay by playing games including “Worst Drivers License Photo”.

- But it wasn’t as much fun as the “Drinking Game” played by the Pilots.

*****

Prez Trump is calling “Fake News” on a report that he asked officials if a nuclear bomb could be dropped inside a hurricane to neutralize the storm.

- Admit it. You’ve wondered the same thing. I know I have.

*****

O.J. Simpson - who had added Colts QB Andrew Luck to his Fantasy Football team just 90 minutes before Luck’s retirement announcement - lamented his bad luck, tweeting, “What did I ever do??”

- Hmmm. That’s a tough one.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Jill Biden - Joe’s wife - says Americans may not like her husband, but since he’s their best bet to beat Prez Trump, they should “swallow hard and vote for him”.

- Well that slogan’s gonna look great on a hat.

*****

In a trailer for the new season of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians,” Kim Kardashian admitted that Paris Hilton inspired her career.

- Paris also inspired the “Burning Man” rock festival - which is actually a support group for all the guys who’ve Dated her.

*****

A new study claims that mothers who consume fluoride during pregnancy will have children with lower IQ’s.

- It’s especially bad if you use fluorinated toothpaste on your Wisdom Teeth.

*****

Six people ranging in age from 62 to 85 are facing sex charges. Police say the five men and an 85-year-old woman were involved in lewd and sexual activity in a public park.

- Witnesses thought they were making out… but it turns out they were just doing CPR on each other.

*****

Officials at AREA 51 are worried too many people will show up to the Government’s secret air force base on Sept. 20 where it’s believed UFO’s are kept.

- So all attendees will have to show proof of citizenship because the last thing they want is a bunch of Aliens showing up.

*****

A raccoon-like animal called a Kinkajou fought its way into a Florida home and attacked it’s unsuspecting owner.

- Zookeepers say Kinkajou’s are usually peaceful creatures… but it turns out he and the homeowner got into an argument about President Trump.

*****

Insiders say 85 year old Larry King’s marriage to his 59 year old wife Shawn ended in a “huge fight” over who does what.

- When they married 22 years ago, they agreed that he’d continue his TV career and she’d have kids and change diapers. She didn’t realize they’d be LARRY’S Diapers.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

President Trump has vowed NOT to open a Vegas style hotel in Greenland if the U.S. purchases the island nation… but the Prime Minister of Denmark - which owns Greenland - says it’s not for sale.

- This is what’s known politically as the “NOT Green New Deal”.

*****

The Environmental Protection Agency is encouraging us to set our thermostats at 82 degrees before we go to bed at night to conserve energy.

- Here’s an idea… How about they go first??

*****

The hot rumor in showbiz is that Taylor Swift is on the verge of moving in with her British boyfriend.

- No word yet on whether they’ll break up before or after the moving truck shows up.

*****

Larry King has filed for divorce from his 7th wife Shawn after more than 20 years of marriage.

- Well, you know what they say… “8th Time’s the Charm”.

Insiders say Shawn was “blindsided” by the divorce.

- She’s 59 and he’s 85. She may have been blindsided, but Larry’s got the Cataracts. And HE’S the one who can’t drive at night.

*****

Tommy The Tortoise, the world’s oldest living pet, turned 121 at his home in Great Britain Tuesday.

- Tommy is actually a “She” but the owner didn’t know until she started laying eggs and went in for a Turtle Wax at the beginning of the bikini season.

*****

A Florida man was arrested for performing a “Botched Castration” surgery on a man he met on the Internet.

- He also performed a Vasectomy on the guy. Apparently it was a Package deal.

- Remember the good old days when the only thing you could lose on the Internet was your life savings to that guy who emailed you from Nigeria??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see back here Thursday!

-Dick

President Trump returned to the White House yesterday after a two-week Golfing vacation at his Club in New Jersey.

- After spending two weeks tweeting and golfing, it’ll be nice for the President to get back to Washington where he can do some tweeting and golfing.

*****

Elizabeth Warren began a speech to voters at a Native American Conference by apologizing for claiming she was Indian.

- Some said the apology was Corny. Others call it Maize.

*****

Bill Cosby’s wife Camille has called off Divorce proceedings against the Coz and the two are reportedly planning to renew their vows in the Prison Chapel.

- Lucky for Camille, if she get nervous for the Wedding night I’m betting Bill will have something to help her relax.

*****

Miley Cyrus was spotted “basically having sex” on the dance floor of an LA Club with her new girlfriend just a week after splitting from her husband.

- Nothing like an old fashioned fairy tale romance to light up my Tuesday.

*****

More than 150 CEO’s including Jeff Bezos announced that their businesses would shift away from making money for shareholders and focus on making the world a better place.

- If you want a full copy of their statement, you can get it on Amazon for just $29.99.

*****

Kim Kardashian was photographed going out to dinner with her husband Kanye West… wearing NO MAKE UP.

- Fans said they didn’t recognize her! And neither did Kanye.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

There’s a new trend called “DogFishing” where men are posting pics of themselves with their friends dogs on Dating Apps in an effort to come off more nurturing to prospective dates.

- And they called it… Puppy Love.

*****

The Dept. of Transportation added Miniature Horses - which stand 2 to 3 feet tall and weight about 100 lbs. - to the list of Emotional Support Animals that are allowed on airplanes.

- Which begs the question: Why fly? Why not just ride the horse?

*****

A new study found that the heart rate of people watching professional sports (especially when they’re winning) goes up so much they get the same health benefits as 90 minutes of brisk walking.

- Unless you’re watching the Tigers this year. Or the Lions pretty much any year.

*****

Pro Golfer John Daly says that despite rumors to the contrary, President Trump DOES NOT cheat at golf… but that Bill Clinton does.

- This is historic… It’s the first time “Bill Clinton” and “Cheat” have been used in the same sentence without a female involved.

*****

8 women have accused 78 year old Opera Legend Placido Domingo of sexual harassment.

- Domingo says he’ll fight the charges in court and “It ain’t over ‘til the fat lady in the Jury sings”.

*****

A United Airlines flight attendant who passed out during the safety speech is facing charges of public intoxication.

- Say what you will, it’s just nice to see somebody other than the Pilot doing the drinking.

*****

In a new video by a group called “Campus Reform”, students were asked to sign a (phony) petition calling for banning the iconic white stick figure in “WALK” signals because they are “Oppressive”. Most of the students signed.

- Next up: They’ll ban “Merge” signs because the Snowflake girls think it’s too suggestive.

*****

The 25th Anniversary Woodward Dream Cruise is THIS SATURDAY the 17th! The classic cars will take your breath away… and so will the exhaust fumes!

I’ve been invited to ride in the Berkley Parade Friday night which starts at 6:30pm and runs from Woodward to Greenfield on 12 mile. I’ll be in a ‘61 white convertible T-Bird with red interior… See ya there!!

Have a great day and I’ll see you tomorrow!

-Dick

Joe Biden has told campaign staffers that he’s worried his habit of making gaffes on the campaign trail will cost him the election.

- This is why Elizabeth Warren always speaks in Smoke Signals. Her mistakes just disappear into thin air.

*****

Today is National Creamsicle Day!

- It takes me back to my childhood days… Little did I know then, that they were not only putting a big smile on my face but a ton of cholesterol in my arteries.

*****

Ratings for Sunday night’s “Teen Choice Awards” fell by 28% from last year to an all time low.

- Makes sense… Jeffrey Epstein was “unavailable” to tune in at the time, so the only one watching was R. Kelly.

*****

Lucky Charms is selling bags of “Just Marshmallows” for two bucks which - unlike the originals - are “Bigger and Puffier”.

- Just like You’ll be if you eat ‘em.

*****

Caitlyn Jenner sent his/her daughter Kylie a 22nd Birthday wish on Instagram - but mistakenly posted a photo of himself/herself with daughter KENDALL Jenner instead.

- So I’m not the only one who can’t tell one Kardashian girl from the others. Except for Kim… BUTT that’s another story. I can recognize her coming or going.

*****

Mike Tyson - who recently opened a “Cannabis Vacation Resort” says he smokes $40,000 worth of Pot every month.

- He says the money comes out of a special fund he “ear marked” for partying.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

The mysterious death/suicide(?) of accused young-girl-molester Jeffrey Epstein over the weekend has both Repubs and Dems saying that he was actually murdered.

- Well it’s nice to see they can finally agree on SOMETHING.

*****

It’s being reported that Barry Manilow doesn’t enjoy performing on stage because it makes him extremely nervous.

- This from a woman named Lola. She was a showgirl. With yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there.

*****

The President of Brazil says that we can solve many of the World’s environmental problems by Pooping less. His suggestion: Only go once every other day.

- Well there goes his endorsement from “Fiber One”. (That reminds me of a line by my late friend, comedian Dennis Wolfberg, who said “You can’t eat Fiber One and hold a job”)

- He’s running for a second term with the slogan “Make Constipation Great Again”.

*****

Russian officials are denying that the country suffered a nuclear accident after leaked footage surfaced of workers in hazmat suits cleaning up one of their reactors.

- True or not, Putin gave the clean-up effort Glowing reviews.

*****

Alec Baldwin tweeted “The Russians killed Epstein. They’re in charge of EVERYTHING now”.

- So look for Alec to beat up Vladimir Putin when he thinks someone stole his parking space again.

*****

Universal has decided they will NOT release their controversial movie “The Hunt” next month - because it’s the “wrong time” for the movie which features rich Liberals hunting down and killing “deplorable” Trump supporters.

- When exactly would be the “Right time” for this movie??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Amazon is giving Alexa users the ability to stop the home assistant from listening to them having sex.

- Remember the good old days when the only people you were afraid might hearing you have sex were your kids??

*****

From the “Bad Idea File” Disney is remaking the classic movie “Home Alone”… Upon hearing the news, Macaulay Culkin posted a pic with the caption “This is what an updated Home Alone would actually look like”.

- The only thing “Classic” about a remake of “Home Alone” would be this picture.

*****

Actress Rosanna Arquette took to Twitter to apologize to her followers for being “born white and privileged” and says it “disgusts” her.

- Sounds like somebody’s been drinking the “Krazy Kool-Aid”.

*****

A poll found that 89% of Millennials believe their life is meaningless.

- Their parents were like, “Here’s an idea: Get a job! You’d be amazed how Meaningful hard work can be”.

*****

Prince Charles is said to be considering a cameo in the next James Bond movie.

- The Queen’s not too happy and said the film would have to be called “Over Her Majesty’s Dead Body”.

*****

A Florida man was arrested for robbing a house but told police his HORSE was the one who Did It.

- Cops said it was “refreshing” since most guys usually blame the Dog.

*****

A Louisiana woman was arrested after police found methamphetamines inside her private parts and police didn’t believe her claim that the drugs weren’t hers.

- Maybe she just forgot! Hey… I misplace MY KEYS all the time.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

According the a new survey, Detroit Metro is one of the Five Worst Airports in the US.

- I totally disagree… it’a a beautiful airport! HOWEVER… How come no matter where I’m going, my flight is always leaving out of Gate A-78?? (It’s like the “C” Gates in the Old Terminal all over again!!)

*****

The WH is doubling the size of its fence to stop people from running onto the White House lawn.

- So Trump’s finally getting the Wall he’s been touting for 3 years… it’s just a couple thousand miles North of the one he wanted.

*****

The main stream press is criticizing Trump for tweeting about the mass shooting in “Toledo” - but have all but ignored the fact that Biden said the events took place in “Houston & Michigan”.

- Apparently their giving Joe a pass since any kind of criticism makes him Touchy.

*****

Former Ohio basketball star D.J. Cooper failed a drug test in the European Basketball League after he used his girlfriend’s urine and the results showed he was pregnant.

- Well that explains why he cries every time he misses a free throw.

*****

Tom Brady and his wife Giselle Bunchen have put their 10,000 sq. ft. home on the market for $39.5 MILLION just a day after Brady agreed to a two-year, $70 million contract extension with the Patriots.

- Who among us hasn’t gotten a raise and decided we needed a little more space?

*****

Stormi Daniels former attorney Micheal Avenatti - who is currently facing 335 years in Prison on dozens of federal charges - says there’s a “50-50 chance” that he’ll run for Prez as a Democrat in 2020.

- Some call Avenatti a “Criminal”… I call him an “Optimist”.

- Avenatti would be one of the first Politicians to go to Prison BEFORE he got elected instead of AFTER.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Scientists at the United Nations are warning that all humans must adopt a vegetarian lifestyle in order to successfully fight climate change and save the planet.

- Never has there been so much at Steak.

*****

Some Royal Watchers used “FaceApp” on the Fab Four so see what they’ll look like in the future.

- The Queen is 93 and she looks better than all four of them combined.

*****

A 70 year old man who went in for a bladder procedure and “accidentally” got circumcised in a hospital mix-up has been awarded $23,000.

- The man was so excited by the settlement he gave the surgeon a tip.

*****

A new op-ed in the Kiev Post claims that Vladimir Putin is burning out after years on the job and he’s losing his grip on power.

- Hillary Clinton was like, “Would it have killed him to burn out 3 YEARS AGO???”

*****

Both the pilot and co-pilot of a United Airlines flight from Scotland to NYC were arrested for intoxication minutes before the plane took off.

- It’s always dangerous to get on a plane whose pilots are higher than the scheduled cruising altitude.

*****

Jeff Bezos skipped the Google Climate Change-fest in Sicily so he could meet his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez’s parents.

- I feel bad for Jeff. It’s gotta be nerve wracking meeting the parents of the girl who’s one day gonna take you to the cleaners.

*****

Kevin Spacey participated in a sidewalk poetry meeting in Rome yesterday.

- Kevin read a limerick that started out, “There once was a Man from Nantucket”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Our Hearts and Prayers go out to the victims and their families after this weekend’s mass shootings in El Paso & Dayton.

*****

Double Tree Hotels are sending a tiny oven to the International Space Station so Astronauts can bake cookies.

- First up: Moon Pies

*****

A Portland woman was arrested on Saturday after she beat a police officer with his own baton.

- She posted bail and then went out clubbing.

*****

A growing number of Japanese women are marrying themselves so they can have more freedom in their lives.

- And for the Honeymoon they carry “Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed and Something that Runs on Batteries”.

- On the down side, it things don’t work out they have to pay for both sides of the divorce.

*****

A video has gone viral of French inventor Franky Zapata flying across the English Channel on a Hoverboard.

- If you want to watch a video of him going over the SPANISH Channel… press 2.

- A lot of people missed it since they couldn’t find The English Channel on their Cable lineup.

*****

The set of the new James Bond movie has been hit with a second Peeping Tom incident after a female crew member saw a male hand come under a bathroom stall while she was in there.

- Police say she was “Stirred, Shaken… and then Flushed”.

- The guys said he just needed some TP adding, “Diamonds are Forever, but Toilet Paper Runs Out’.

*****

Rapper A$AP Rocky returned home from Sweden Friday after serving nearly a month in jail on assault charges.

The U.S. reportedly warned the Swedish Government of “Negative Consequences” if they didn’t release the rapper. Apparently Trump told their President he was gonna be sleeping with the Swedish Fish.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

After last night’s debate, Micheal Moore tweeted that the only way Dems can beat Trump in 2020 is if Michele Obama runs.

- Insiders say she’s already decided on a campaign slogan: “Make Kale Great Again”.

- Hmmmm. A former First Lady running for President… What could go wrong???

*****

The internet has gone crazy over pics of a 5 week old female puppy that was born with a rather heavy mustache.

- Reminds me of one of my baby pics.

*****

Move over crows feet and laugh lines… According to beauty “experts” more and more women are getting “procedures” to correct Cleavage wrinkles a.k.a. “Clinkles”.

- And if you’re not up for an expensive Clinkle-ectomy you can always save money and just get some “Boob-tox”.

*****

Almost all of the candidates - except Biden - said that immigrants coming over the border illegally would not be prosecuted for breaking the law, which could, in effect encourage millions worldwide to walk into the US with no legal consequences.

- If this ever passes, instead of a Wall we’ll have a giant flashing neon sign reading “Open 24/7!”

*****

If you add it up, the candidates promised FREE Healthcare, FREE College, 100% Student Loan Forgiveness, and $1000 FREE for everyone over 18.

- If this ever becomes Law, the Bald Eagle will be replaced with a Rainbow and a Unicorn.

*****

A woman who has turned 107-years-old says the secret to living a long life is “Never getting married”.

- But she still got some of the perks of a wedding: “She’s something old, Her pacemakers new, Her hearing aids are borrowed, and her lips are turning blue.”

*****

Former President Barack Obama, Prince Harry & Leonardo DiCaprio were among those who used 114 Private Jets to attend Google’s lavish Greek Isle getaway to discuss Climate Change.

- They could have stayed home at watched the Debate Candidates talk about the same thing for a lot cheaper - with the same results.

*****

Lisa Marie Presley is writing a new book which she claims will reveal “shocking” details about her ex husband Michael Jackson.

- Lisa Maria says she’s Nose stuff about Michael that even his plastic surgeon doesn’t know.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick