Hello Radiothon! But Bye, Bye Bozos???

America's biggest circus clown organization says the nation is facing a massive clown shortage. 

- Unless you count the Bozos elected to Congress.

- They new something was up when they threw the annual Clown Convention and only three clowns got out of each of the tiny cars. 

- Maybe aspiring horn-honkers are afraid retiring Clowns are leaving shoes just too big to fill. 

*****

With Americans Meryl Davis and Charlie White taking the Gold in Olympic Ice Dancing, the sport is really catching on. 

- With the success of all the "Ice Twizzling" that was required for each skater, they're already considering adding "Ice Twerking" to the 2020 Winter Games. 

*****

President Obama says that signing up for Obamacare is a part of "growing up". 

- By that he means you're a teenager when you try to get on the website, and by the time you actually get a policy, you're all grown up. 

*****

Scientists say that extreme loneliness increases your chances of an early death by 14 percent. 

- On the bright side, you'll have a lot less time to sit around being miserable. 

*****

Australian scientis have invented a "hangover free" beer that keeps drinkers from getting dehydrated. 

- I believe this was already invented... It's called "Root Beer". 

*****

Actor Bradley Cooper said he showed up to a White House dinner without underwear. For some unexplained reason he felt he had to share this information. 

- It was like having Bill Clinton in office all over again.  

*****

Have a great day and don't forget! 

The 27th Annual 16-Hour Salvation Army Radiothon for the Bed & Bread Club is coming up THIS FRIDAY, Feb. 21st. This is THE FUNDRAISER for this amazing program that feeds 5000 men, women and children in Metro-Detroit 365 days a year and shelters almost 600 people a night! A donation of just $10 a month ($120/yr) FEEDS ONE PERSON FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR and $20 a month ($240 for the year) FEEDS TWO PEOPLE FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR. Nobody gives you more bang for your charity buck than that! And this year is very special for me... while I'll be popping in and out of the broadcast throughout the day live from the Oakland Mall and broadcast on 760 AM WJR, I will actually be HOSTING the 4pm to 8pm slot with Big Al and Jackie. It's a reunion for us - and we'd love to have you donate while we're on the air - just like in the old days! You can even donate now by calling 248-528-0760. As they say..."Operators are standing by!" and of course, we'll be more than grateful for any donation you can make! 

Thanks so much for your support...

-Dick

Hurray! Hurray! It's President's Day...3 to 5 inches Expected Today!

Today is Presidents Day.

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- The day set aside to honor Mr. Belvedere because as we all know, "He Does Good Work!"

- I just called him at "Tyler 8 - Seven One, Oh, Oh... for a Home Improvement date!" 

- All Federal employees have the day off in celebration...so it will be pretty much just like every other Monday. 

*****

The Navy admitted to destroying photographic evidence of Osama Bin Laden's corpse. 

- But he was "tagged" in several Navy Seal photos on Facebook. 

- Luckily we still have that great shot of Osama and his camel. 

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- Hollywood is going ahead with plans for a movie about two guys who dress up Obamas corpse and take him partying. It's tentatively called "Weekend at Osama's". 

*****

Joe Biden says that Americans should feel optimistic no matter who the President is. 

- I think Joe is trying to buck himself up for the devastation he's gonna feel when he doesn't even win the primary. 

*****

A survey from the University of Michigan found that 1 in 4 Americans doesn't know that the earth revolves around the sun. 

- 15% think it revolves around President Obama and 10% think it revolves around Kim Kardashian.  

*****

Russia's hockey team is blaming a referee for Saturday's overtime loss to the U.S. after he took away one of the Russian's goals. 

- The ref had no comment. Well, actually, he may have had a comment but he seems to have disappeared. 

*****

Justin Bieber's lawyers are fighting to prevent police from releasing video that shows him urinating in jail. 

- If I was his lawyer, I'd be a lot more concerned with police releasing the toxicology report of what they found IN the Urine. 

*****

Charlie Sheen is engaged to former porn star Brett Rossi.

- It will be his 4th marriage and his 2,957th time with a hooker...this year. 

*****

DON'T FORGET! This Friday, Feb. 21st is the 27th Annual 16 Hour Radiothon benefiting the Salvation Army's Bed & Bread Club. This amazing program feeds 5000 men, women and children in Metro Detroit everyday, 365 days a year, and shelters almost 600 people a night. A donation of $10 a month ($120 a year) feeds ONE PERSON FOR ONE ENTIRE YEAR. And if you can double it...$20 a month ($240 for the year) feeds TWO PEOPLE FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR. There is no other program like it! And the Radiothon is THE major fundraiser! It all takes place at the Oakland Mall this Friday from 6am to 10pm and will be broadcast live on 760 AM WJR! And I'm thrilled that I will be hosting the 4pm to 8pm slot along with Big Al and Jackie! If you're not going to be around Friday, you can even make your donation NOW by calling 248-528-0760. Volunteers are standing by!  

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #111: "Countdown To The Radiothon!"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and a fresh-as-the-fallen snow Podcast! (#111) Today's special guest (our most requested) is the very talented former "Purtan's Person" Tom Delisle. Tom lives about 45 minutes away from Podcast Central (i.e.: my dining room table) and he said his steering wheel still hadn't completely thawed out when he pulled in. 

That led to our discussion of the long, cold winter. (Whoever knew people could spend so much time talking about the weather - and not because they don't know what else to say?!) And of course the LATEST QUESTION: Is global warming really the cause of the mini Ice Age we're experiencing? Or is it just the fact that it's Damn cold? Period! 

From there, it's a natural transition to a story about my late mother-in-law, her older sister Ethel, and a holiday phone call that have made the initials "N.A.B.G" a part of our family's regular vocabulary. 

And with the 27th Annual 16-Hour Salvation Army Radiothon for the Bed & Bread Club less than a week away - next Friday, Feb. 21st - I'll explain the importance of this incredible program. Simply put, it feeds 5000 men, women and children in Metro-Detroit 365 days a year and shelters more than 600 people a night. A donation of just $10 a month ($120/yr) FEEDS ONE PERSON FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR and $20 a month ($240 for the year) FEEDS TWO PEOPLE FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR. Nobody gives you more bang for your charity buck than that! And this year is kind of special for me... while I'll be popping in and out of the broadcast all day live from the Oakland Mall and broadcast on 760 AM WJR, I will actually be HOSTING the 4pm to 8pm slot with Big Al and Jackie. It's a reunion for us - and we'd love to have you donate while we're on the air! Heck, you can even donate now by calling 248-528-0760. As they say..."Operators are standing by!"

And speaking of the Radiothon...we'll tell you about another event that I emceed the other night that raised $25,000 for the Bed & Bread Program. It was called "Comedy for a Cause" and featured not only a great Headliner, Taylor Mason, but the Stand Up Debut of someone on this very Podcast. (Hint: It wasn't Tom or me). 

While were on the subject of laughs, we lament the passing of the incredible Sid Caeser and I'll tell you how two of my daughters and I came to have a rather interesting meeting with him at the Plaza Hotel in NYC. 

And I'll finish up with a story about my daughter JoAnne that I'm pretty sure I'm going to get in trouble for putting on the Podcast. But hey, as they say, "It's Good To Be The Dad!" 

So join me as we gear up for the Radiothon and have some laughs along the way in Podcast #111!  (44:33)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here with my regular blog on Monday.

-Dick 

All Hail Caesar!

RIP Sid Caesar... The incredibly talented comedic actor, who hosted "Your Show of Shows" - a 90 Minute LIVE weekly Comedy TV show in the 1950's has died at the age of 91. He was - and still is - widely regarded as one of the most gifted comic talents this country has ever seen. I'm proud to say that the Purtan family has a personal history with Mr. Caesar! It's gets rather complicated - so I'll save it for tomorrow's Podcast! Here is one of his classic "Double-Speak" routines from "Caesar's Hour" - another one of his television shows - back in 1954. 

Using one of his controversial "Executive Orders", President Obama raised the minimum wage for federal contract workers to $10.10 an hour.

- Which basically means that up until now, the people who built the Obamacare website were making the same amount as the guy who asks if you want fries at McDonalds. 

- A lot of legal scholars say the "Executive Orders" are unconstitutional...so the President signed an "Executive Order" making it legal to deport legal scholars. 

*****

The FDA approved a pill-sized camera that doctors can use for colonoscopies. All the patients have to do is "swallow" the camera. 

- This is going to make for some interesting new profile pics on Facebook. 

*****

A nun in Italy who gave birth to a baby boy says she didn't even know she was pregnant. 

- Apparently she also didn't know that she's not allowed to have sex. 

- Nuns really frown on women having babies out of wedlock! 

*****

Michael Jordan's wife gave birth to identical twin girls in Charlotte, NC. 

- So now they've got a pair of "Heir Jordan's". 

*****

According to a new study, 67% of people in committed relationships know their spouses online passwords. 

- That's nothing compared to the 100% of NSA workers who know everyone's online passwords. 

*****

Iran sent war ships passing by the U.S. Atlantic coast to try and intimidate us. 

- The US Navy immediately ordered Royal Caribbean to send their ship "Norovirus of the Seas" to the Persian Gulf. 

- That outta give the Iranians a run for their money. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a shiny new Podcast! (#111).

And don't forget the 27th Annual Salvation Army 16-Hour Bed & Bread Club Radiothon is coming up in a little over a week, Friday, Feb. 21st live from the Oakland Mall and broadcast on 760 AM WJR. Jackie, Big Al and I will be hosting the Radiothon during the 4pm to 8pm segment. The Bed & Bread Program feeds 5000 men, women and children in our area every day and shelters over 600 people a night! I hope you'll join us...and of course DONATE! You can even make your donation now by calling 248-528-0760! Operators are waiting for your call! 

Thanks,

Dick

Jackie's Stand-Up Debut Boffo!

Proud Dad here... Jackie was a smash hit at "Comedy For a Cause" at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle last night! The event, which featured the very funny comedian Taylor Mason as Headliner raised $25,000 for the Salvation Army's Bed & Bread Club which feeds 5000 Metro-Detroiters a day!  

Next up: The 27th Annual Radiothon coming up live from the Oakland Mall on Friday, Feb. 21st! Big Al, Jackie and Yours Truly will be hosting the 4pm to 8pm slot broadcast on 760 AM WJR! 

*****

Bob Costas' eye infection has gotten so bad, he handed over coverage of the Sochi Olympics to Today Show host Matt Lauer.

- So we finally have an answer to the age old question "Where In The World Is Matt Lauer?"... He's in Sochi, Russia!

*****

Costas, who has anchored every Olympic broadcast since 1998, says his eyes are so red and swollen he can barely see and has no idea where he is.

- So he's basically become Justin Bieber without the drugs and booze. 

***** 

Barack and Michelle Obama hosted a State Dinner for French President Francois Hollande last night. Hollande attended the dinner alone, having left both of his girlfriends back in France. 

- He was going to bring both girlfriends with him until he found out Bill Clinton was on the guest list. 

- Reports are the French leader threw back a lot of wine leaving "Hollande Dazed and Sauced". 

*****

A new report by the Centers for Disease Control says that 3 out of 4 kids drink caffeine every day. Between energy drinks and soda pop, many children are already hooked. 

-So look for the new "Starbuck-A-Roos Kids Koffee Kafe" coming to a strip mall near you.

*****

A New York administrative judge ordered Larry Flynt's Hustler Club to charge sales tax on lap dances. 

- Hundreds of male IRS employees have volunteered to sit in the Strip Club and make sure the taxes are collected properly. 

- What's next? A Pole tax?

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

She's On That "Great Ship Lollipop" In The Sky...

RIP...Shirley Temple.

The curly haired cutie, and one of the biggest Movie Stars of the 1930's, who danced, sang and smiled her way into America's hearts during the Depression, passed away last night at the age of 85. Her family says she died of natural causes. 

*****

NBC Olympic Anchor Bob Costas' eye infection is getting worse... It's moved into both eyes and many say it's disconcerting to watch him, and adds to the "weirdness" of the Sochi games. 

- Doctors say it's simply a case of "Pink Eye" or as anti-Russians call it, "Communist Pinko-Eye". 

*****

Meanwhile, Russian security forces continue searching for female suicide bombers that may have made their way into Sochi. 

- The women didn't plan on killing themselves until they got a look at their hotel rooms. 

- Experts warn they may have "gone underground"...which is pretty easy to do in Sochi with all the missing manhole covers. 

- Vladimir Putin has taken a hard stance on the suicide bombers saying "If anyone's going to kill people during the Olympics it's gonna be me!"

*****

Canadian McDonalds released a video showing how Chicken McNuggets are made. 

- Not surprising to anyone who's ever eaten a McNugget, the film opens with the disclaimer: "No Chickens were harmed, hurt or even on the set during the making of this movie". 

*****

University of Missouri football star Michael Sam says he's gay and he's proud. And NFL insiders say if he's drafted by a pro team, he could made an extra seven figures a year in endorsements from Gay friendly products and companies. 

- So look for Sam to be the new spokesman for "Manwich", "Gay's Potato Chips", and "Bud Extra Lite". 

*****

Congress asked the Washington Redskins to change their name to something more respectful of Indian traditions. 

- Most fans say it's a bunch of Sitting Bull S---.  

*****

Have a great day...and I hope to see you tonight at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle in Royal Oak for "Comedy For a Cause" - a special show with proceeds benefiting the Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club. Tickets are $25 - dinner included! Tonight's headliner is Taylor Mason - and my daughter Jackie will try her hand at stand up for the first time! Doors open at 6:30pm. Showtime: 7:30pm. For reservations, call 248-542-9900! 

-Dick

Russia Running Rings Around The Olympics...

Russian officials inserted footage from the Opening Ceremonies rehearsal into the live Russian telecast so Vladimir Putin and his comrades wouldn't see the fact that only 4 of the 5 Olympic Rings actually lit up. 

- They did it for Russian Pride...and to prevent Putin from killing the people in charge of the light show. 

*****

Twitter users were up in arms after the male half of an American figure skating duo wore a gun holster as part of his outfit saying it portrayed Americans as gun-toting thugs. Btw...The team was skating to the theme from "Skyfall"...a James Bond movie. 

- He was going to skate with a Martini but was afraid he'd spill it during his triple lutz.

*****

The USDA has recalled 8.7 million pounds of meat saying it came from "unhealthy or unsound animals", but they won't say what stores or restaurants ended up with the meat. 

- You'll know pretty quickly if you have lunch at a fast food restaurant today and afterward enjoy the Taco Bell "Experience".   

- An "Unsound" cow is described as one who is "Udderly depressed". 

*****

According to a new survey, one in four 26-year-olds live with their parents. 

- Or as the 26-year-olds like to tell their friends, they've allowed their parents to move in with them. 

*****

A streaker ran across the runway during New York's fashion week. 

- Fashionistas said they loved his "Bold, Nude Look" and proceeded to order thousands of dollars of nothing to put in stores this Spring. 

- Some of the models were so shocked they fainted and had to be revived with imitation smelling salts so they wouldn't retain any water. 

*****

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have moved up their wedding date. 

- Sounds to me like somebody got knocked up and doesn't want to have a baby out of wedlock...no, wait, they already did that.  

*****

Yankees third basemen Alex Rodriguez dropped his law suit against Major League Baseball and accepted his 162 game suspension. 

- He said that after giving it some thought, he's "pumped up" about having a little time off. No more "pumped up" than usual, but still pretty "pumped up". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #110: "Don't Snooze...There's NEWS!!!"

Click here to download Podcast #110

30:02

Welcome to another frigid weekend and a cool new Podcast...#110! We've got BIG NEWS today regarding a rather important event coming up on Friday, February 21st!

But you'll have to stay tuned! (There hasn't been that big a tease since Phyllis Diller had her hair done).

First...Jackie and I sit around the Purtan dining room table to take on the very latest in current events. From the bizarre and downright dangerous hotel rooms at the Sochi Olympics (I'll explain why you should never book a room in Russia on priceline.com...munist) to a television milestone (I'm talking Jay Leno's departure...NOT Bob Costa's hosting the Olympics with "Pink-Eye"), there's plenty to talk about. 

Did I mention the allegations that Bill Clinton had an affair with Austin Power's Star Elizabeth Hurley? (We'll give you our thoughts on whether or not the former Commander-in-Briefs really showed her his "Mini-Me".) Plus...we'll tell you why we're so "high" on the idea of Justin Bieber's Dad being named "Father of The year". 

And speaking of musicians (Did I just call Justin Bieber a musician???) I'll tell you about the drastic measures that Dancing With The Stars is taking to attract younger viewers. 

And then we get to the real meat of the Podcast, when we welcome special guest Dale Johnson to the table. Dale will once again be serving as the Producer of the upcoming Salvation Army Bed & Bread Radiothon benefiting the all-important Bed & Bread Club - that feeds over 5000 men women and children EVERY SINGLE DAY and shelters more than 600 people every night. 

The Radiothon is coming up on Friday, February 21st, live from the Oakland Mall, from 6am to 10pm, and broadcast live on WJR 760 AM. And I am happy to announce that we'll be having a reunion of sorts. In addition to joining Paul W. Smith, Frank Beckman and the other guys during the day, yours truly will be Hosting the 4pm to 8pm slot along with some former "Purtan's People" including Big Al and Jackie! I hope you'll join us at the mall, tune in, but most importantly DONATE! The donation line (248) 528-0760 is already up and running if you want to get a head start. Just $10 a month ($120/year) will FEED ONE PERSON FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR, $20 a month ($240 for the year) will FEED TWO PEOPLE FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR! It's an amazing program - and with the weather we're experiencing this year - an especially life saving one as well.  

For all the details on how you can help change the lives of our friends and neighbors for the better...tune in to Podcast #110. 

Have a great weekend...and as I used to say...and still do..."Thanks for Listening!"

-Dick

Headed to Sochi? Better B.Y.O...h2o!

The Olympic Games in Sochi are off to a rough start and they haven't even begun yet. Journalists and athletes say they've been warned not to drink (or even touch) the "extremely dangerous" hotel water - which comes out thick and yellow colored, they aren't allowed to flush the toilet, and are asked to put used toilet tissue in a bag next to the commode. 

- In Russia, they're all considered Five Star Hotels. 

There are also reports that the bathrooms in the hotels each contain four folding chairs. 

- Apparently they want the guys on the firing squad to be comfortable while waiting to see if you flush the toilet. 

*****

Kremlin officials are claiming that Vladimir Putin's girlfriend will be given the honor of lighting the Olympic flame. She's a rhythmic gymnast. 

- Apparently Putin wants to show his appreciation for all her awesome dismounts. 

*****

Actor Tom Sizemore has come out with a detailed account of an affair he says happened between Actress Elizabeth Hurley and Bill Clinton while he was Prez. Sizemore says Clinton flew the Austin Power's star to the White House where they had sex while Hillary slept in the next room. 

- If she slept with that going on in the next room, is it any wonder she slept through Benghazi? 

- In a shocking development...Bill is denying the affair. 

- Hurley is also poo-pooing the story saying "I did not have sex with that man...Bill Clinton."

*****

Officials have confirmed that a private plane carrying Justin Bieber and his father across the country was so filled with pot smoke that the pilots had to wear oxygen masks. 

- Sounds like we've the front runner for this year's "Father of The Year" Award.

- The pilots had to put on the masks because they know it wasn't smart to mix pot with the alcohol they were already drinking. 

- They were also wearing ear plugs...just in case Justin started singing. 

*****

After 22 years, Jay Leno will host his final "Tonight Show" tonight. Jimmy Fallon will take over on the 17th... 

- ...And will probably only last until the ratings go down and NBC rehires Leno.

*****

IRS employees are getting $62 million in bonuses this year.

- And there's "not a smidgen" of a chance that any of them will forget to report that extra income.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with a Podcast worthy of a gold medal (well...at least a Bronze!)

-Dick 

Bush: Close But No Cigar!

Jay Leno has told thousands of jokes since taking over the Tonight Show in 1992, and a new study reveals that Bill Clinton has been the subject of more jokes than any other public figure with a whopping 4607 one-liners. George W. Bush came in second with 3, 239 jokes.

- Bush was so disappointed that he wasn't #1, he put a "Mission Unaccomplished" sign in his front yard. 

- Kim Kardashian was the butt of a lot of Jay's jokes, just not enough to make the list. 

*****

In a move to capture younger viewers, Dancing With The Stars is doing away with it's live orchestra and will use a Disc Jockey in it's upcoming season. 

- And I thought the violin section did such a great version of "Back in the USSR". 

*****

"Footlights", the only novel ever written by silent film star Charlie Chaplin will soon be available at a bookstore near you. 

- Unfortunately there won't be an "Audiobook" version since Chaplin wrote it as a Silent Novel. 

- Publishers are remaining hush-hush on the plot of the book but said it's main character is "A Little Tramp named Myley Cyrus". 

*****

The guy who made the much-maligned fur coat that Joe Namath wore during the coin toss at the Super Bowl says sales of the coat have skyrocketed. 

- Wear it with the hat that Aretha Franklin wore to the inauguration and you've got yourself one heck of a fashion statement. 

*****

Taylor Swift says she has no urge to pose naked in magazines and that she'd rather reveal more of herself in her song writing. 

- So teenage boys are going to have to settle for locking themselves in their rooms and staring at her lyrics. 

- Men everywhere are hoping that Susan Boyle has the same philosophy. 

*****

A new study shows that Facebook is leading to higher rates of infidelity. 

- The first clue came when they noticed a sharp increase in "How Many Likes Can I Get For My Mistress?!" posts. 

- I knew something was up when they changed "Words With Friends" to "Words With Friends With Benefits". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

"Liar, Liar...Pants On Fire!" That Is When He Actually WEARS Pants!

In a new poll, Bill Clinton has been named the "Most Forgivable Liar Of All People Who Misled The American People". Lance Armstrong came in second, Richard Nixon third and Bernie Madoff came in dead last. (President Obama was not on the list of choices.)

- Bill Clinton is kind of like Pinocchio...he's a liar but apparently there's just something lovable about him!

- Kathleen Sebelius says she felt snubbed to not even receive a nomination. 

*****

Super Bowl XLVIII was the most watched program in television history - with 111.5 million people tuning in. 

- The number would have been higher, but Peyton Manning's family turned it off halfway through the second quarter. 

- Sunday's game beat out the previous record holder: "A Very Duck Dynasty Christmas!"

*****

The Seahawks have returned home with the Vince Lombardi Trophy after trouncing Denver in the Super Bowl. 

- The people of Seattle haven't been this high since...well...any other day this year. 

*****

New concerns have emerged that software built for the Obamacare website was designed by techs in the very Anti-American former Russian country of Belarus. Experts fear it may contain malware that could steal Americans most personal information. 

- Luckily, very few Americans have actually been able to enter their personal information on the site so we're good to go. 

- The clue came when investigators realized that more Russians than Americans had signed up for Obamacare.

*****

Scientists now claim that exposure to "Third Hand Smoke" is just as deadly as smoking a cigarette. They describe it as "Breathing near clothing that has been saturated with smoke". 

- In an effort to ensure Michelle's health, President Obama has vowed only to sneak cigarettes when he's naked. 

*****

A Texas woman insists that her husband, the mayor of a small town there, was murdered, not trampled by an angry donkey as police concluded. Although boot prints were found on the man, an autopsy was never performed. 

- Apparently in Texas even the Donkeys wear boots.  

- It appears that the perpetrator was NOT a donkey, but the cops investing WERE Jack-Asses. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

"Super Blow-Out XLVIII"

The Seattle Seahawks decimated Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos in Sunday's Superbowl with a score of 43 to 8. 

- It was almost like the Lions were playing...except they wouldn't have gotten the 8 points. 

*****

Superbowl III MVP Joe Namath handled the coin toss dressed in what many thought was a ridiculous women's fur coat. 

- Well he is known as BROADway Joe...

- It was kind of like the movie "Behind the Candelabra": Joe looked like Liberace and he was surrounded by guys in tight pants. 

- He was going to wear his traditional pantyhose, but didn't want to catch a chill. 

- On the bright side...he didn't try to make out with any of the female reporters. 

*****

A Brooklyn woman called police after a man exposed himself to her on the Q train. 

- Wow. I would have thought Anthony Weiner would have taken a cab to the big game. 

*****

Iran has launched an ad campaign to bring in more American tourists. 

- Their slogan is "You'll Behead Over Heels In Love With Iran!"

- They're even making a movie about it call "Beach Blanket Burka".

*****

With the start of the Olympics just days away, the Mayor of Sochi is still insisting that there are no gay people in his town. 

- So apparently the male figure skaters haven't arrived yet. 

- Having been brought up by Catholic nuns, the Mayor put a sign next to the "Two Man Luge" course reading: "Leave Room For Jesus". 

*****

The Groundhog Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow over the weekend. 

- That means, of course six more months...I mean weeks...of winter. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out my latest Podcast (#109)! Just click on the link and enjoy!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #109: "Did Ya Miss Me?"

Click Here To Download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #109 featuring...drum roll please!...The return of Dick Purtan! (Okay...enough of referring to myself in the 3rd person. That's just weird). Anyway...after a three week vacation I'm back at the dining room table with daughter Jackie for Podcast #109. 

And we've got plenty to catch up on. From the insane weather (is it any wonder Chuck Gaidica is hanging up his Doppler?) to Justin Bieber's on-going crime spree, a lot happened in January. Most shocking of all has to be the news that The Captain and "Love Will Keep Us Together" Tennille, are divorcing after 39 years of marriage. (No word yet on who gets custody of the Muskrats). I'll tell you a story involving one of the Tennilles, a frisbee, and a pastel undergarment from my days Emceeing at Pine Knob. 

I'll also tell you why the Queen of England is being forced to live "on a budget", what target weight do airlines design their seats for, and a personal story about an encounter my wife Gail and I had the other day at Metro Airport with two women who give the word "clueless" a whole new meaning. 

I've also got a BIG (literally and figuratively) announcement  about the Salvation Army's Bed & Bread Club Radiothon that's coming up on Friday, Feb. 21. (I think you'll be as surprised by it as Jackie was). And I'll reveal some shocking news about a certain someone who is about to start doing Stand-Up comedy. 

So say goodbye to January and hello to Podcast #109! 

Have a great weekend! 

-Dick

"Clueless Joe's Reaction"

Joe Biden's goofy grin, mouthing words, and pointing to someone in the Congressional Chamber during the President's State of the Union is drawing mixed reactions. 

- Some say it was disrespectful, while others say when Nancy Pelosi points at you and says "You da man!" you are Constitutionally bound to say, "No YOU da man!"

*****

A study at the University of Oslo found that primates with bigger testicles were more likely to cheat on their mates. 

- So Alex Rodriguez's girlfriend has the most loyal boyfriend EVER!!!

- This explains why women tell men to take a cold shower..."Shrinkage!" 

*****

A petition to get Justin Bieber deported to Canada that was started by a mystery man here in Detroit has gotten over 100,000 signatures on Whitehouse.gov., making it eligible for review by President Obama. 

- A WH spokesman says the President will invoke the newly created "Sasha & Malia Would Kill Me Executive Order" and allow the Beebs to stay. 

- The same Detroit "Mystery Man" has started another petition to have L. Brooks Paterson permanently deported to anywhere north of 8 Mile. 

*****

In the meantime, Justin Bieber turned himself into a court in Toronto this morning to face charges that he attacked one of his limo drivers back in December. That incident is not to be confused with his DUI arrest in Florida, his egging of his neighbor's house, or the numerous times he's been photographed smoking pot. 

- He's either on a downward spiral or he's doing "research" for an upcoming role in a drag version of "The Lindsay Lohan Story". 

*****

NY Republican Michael Grimm apologized for threatening to break a reporter in half "like a little boy" and throw him off the balcony during a live televised post-State of the Union interview. 

- Viewers said they were disappointed. Obviously they would have preferred if the reporter threatened to throw the politician off the balcony instead. 

*****

By the time the "Explorer of the Seas" made it back to port in New Jersey Wednesday, the number of passengers with the gastrointestinal Norovirus had risen to almost 700. Royal Caribbean is offering passengers on the sickness stricken ship a free cruise for their inconvenience. 

- I'm sure there's gonna be a real run on those tickets. 

- Meanwhile the crew is still working to sanitize the poop deck. 

*****

Researchers from the University of Washington discovered that humans have a high number of Neanderthal genes in their skin and hair. 

- What do you expect when you use the OSU football team as your test subjects? 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with an all new Podcast featuring...ME! That's right...I'll be back...Finally! 

-Dick

Kwame's Mommy Wants Your Money Honey!

His Dishonor's Mom, Carolyn "Cheeks" Kilpatrick has put up a video on YouTube encouraging people to donate to the "Freedom Justice Trust" which is dedicated to getting Kwame sprung from the slammer. And for a $28 donation, you even get a "Free Kwame" t-shirt. 

- Couldn't they have come up with this T-Shirt thing before Christmas? It would have made my holiday shopping a snap!

The video features pictures of Kwame with his wife Carlita, their sons, images of Martin Luther King Jr. and Nelson Mandela. 

- Kwame is just like Nelson Mandela if you don't count the whole Federal-Racketeering-Criminal-Enterprise-Shaking-Down-Contractors-And-Ripping-Off-The-Citizens-Of-Detroit-For-Millions-Of-Dollars thing. 

*****

During last night's State of The Union Address, President Obama touched on everything from the economy to education.

- As opposed to Bill Clinton who used to "touch" on every woman he passed on his way to the Podium to deliver his State of the Unions. 

*****

A Japanese company has invented the "True Love Bra" that only comes unhooked when it senses the heart rate and breathing patterns of  a woman who is in love. The one drawback is that when it senses the woman feels love, the cups spring open automatically. 

- For the woman, that pretty much rules out playing the old "hard to get" routine. 

- So now guys don't have to spend a lot of time wondering if a woman is "into them"...they can just hang around until her bra explodes. 

*****

Homeland Security will X-Ray every bit of food & beverage to be sold at this Sunday's Superbowl, as well as the fans apparel. 

- Let's hope not too many women are wearing one of those Japanese exploding bras. 

*****

NBC has given the green light to a new lesbian-themed comedy produced by Ellen DeGeneres. 

- Fox News says that a lesbian-themed comedy is already on TV...It's called "The Rachael Maddow Show". 

- Working titles include: "Family Gal", "The Dick Van Dyke Show", "Not Everybody Loves Raymond" and "Ethel Loves Lucy!"

- How are they going to make a successful sitcom without a wimpy, inept Dad who messes everything up for the family? 

*****

Students at MIT have created a "Wearable Book" that uses sensors and a pressure vest that allows the reader to actually "feel" exactly what the protagonist is feeling on each page that they read.

- The "Wearable" version of "Fifty Shades of Grey" sold out in less than 10 seconds. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Another Day In Para-d-ICE...

Metro Detroit broke a record this morning! At 5:53am, the official temp was recorded at -9 below zero. The previous record was -8 set back in 1972. Wind chills are expected to go as low as 35 below. 

-Weather experts say they don't expect it to be this frosty again... unless L. Brooks Paterson tries to cross 8 Mile. 

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*****

Tonight all eyes will be on Washington DC as Barack Obama delivers the State of The Union Address. 

- Rumors started flying that the WH may just replay his speech from last year after someone heard him say, "If you liked last years State of the Union, you can keep last years State of the Union."

- They'll be plenty of clapping, jumping up and sitting down...mainly because the people in the Chamber will be trying to stay warm. 

- Millions are expected to watch. They want to see if Joe Biden can stay awake and look like he knows what the Prez is talking about at the same time.

*****

Michelle Obama has invited openly gay basketball player Jason Collins to sit with her during the speech.

- Fashion bloggers are split on which one of them will wear the snazziest outfit.

*****

Royal Caribbean's "Majesty of the Seas" returned to port two days early after 600 passengers were sickened with a gastrointestinal virus.

-Apparently the ship is called the "Majesty" because cruisers end up spending so much time on the throne.

- On the bright side, at least none of the engines caught on fire so they were actually able to make it back to land.

*****

Italian thieves broke into a small church outside of Rome and stole a vial of blood belonging to the late Pope John Paul II. 

- I'm sure that's not gonna draw any attention when it shows up on ebay. 

*****

An anonymous survey of NFL layers revealed that 85% of the league would play in the Super Bowl with a concussion. 

-Whataya have to do to make these guys understand? Hit them over the head? 

*****

A Kansas man risked his life to run back into his burning house so he could save his Xbox. 

- People thought he was crazy until he explained "Xbox" is the nickname he uses for his Playstation 3. 

*****

Have a great day...I'm putting on my snow pants and headin' out to play in a pothole!  

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #108: "Jackie Takes A Short Solo Flight"

Click here to download

Welcome to the weekend and a brand new Podcast (#108)! Dick (aka my Dad) is spending yet another week abroad. (At least this time he's not with that "broad" Dennis Rodman!) leaving me at the helm of Podcast Central. I tried to get a special guest for your listening entertainment, but alas, my first choice (George Clooney) and my second choice (any one of my five sisters) all turned me down. (Apparently George is busy on a movie set, and my sisters just aren't all that fond of me.)

That means for the first time in history...there's just one person on the Purtan Podcast today...and that person is...well...me!

But worry not...without anyone to talk to, I keep it shorter than one of Miley Cyrus's skirts (if she actually wore one) at an Awards Show. 

I'll reveal what international "celebrity" Dad is spending the weekend with, offer exciting details of my recent bout with the flu (grab a tissue!) , and I'll tell you what my life has in common with Tiger Woods. (And no it's not that we both like to putter around the house).

So take off your ear muffs for a few minutes and warm up to Podcast #108! 

Have a great weekend and Dad and I will see you back here Monday with the regular blog! 

-Jackie 

It Was "Udderly" Disappointing...

Last night's American Idol featured contestants that auditioned here in Detroit last October, with quite a few of them getting the thumbs up from the judges. To be honest it was hard to watch, since not only aren't we going to the Hollywood round, but the footage of my wife Gail and I singing our signature duet, "Bessie the Heifer...The Queen Of All The Cows" was cut from last nights episode. Oh well...I guess we'll have to wait 'til next year. 

*****

Justin Bieber was arrested this morning in Miami Beach for drag racing and DUI. The arresting officers said the Beebs was incoherent, tested positive for drugs and was driving without a valid license. 

- They knew it was Justin when they saw the "Student Driver" sign on top of his Lamborghini. 

- He used his one phone call to get in touch with his legal expert, Lindsay Lohan.

*****

New research finds the sleep-aid Ambien can make people act like zombies, display bizarre behavior, and even commit murder while sleeping. 

- And the best part is, you wake up refreshed and ready to murder again! 

*****

Weather experts are saying that the winter cold front that has gripped our area and much of the country could last up to ten more days. 

- Meteorologists in Washington D.C. say they haven't seen a cold snap last this long since Hillary  found out about Monica. 

*****

The U.S. is sending warships to Russia as a safely contingency for Olympic athletes. 

- Carnival is also offering a free cruse to all terrorists...That way they'll end up stuck in the middle of the ocean with a broken engine, no plumbing and a bad case of the Norovirus. 

*****

A top cyber security expert says he can hack 70,000 personal records from the Obamacare site in less than four minutes. 

- Now he just has to wait for 70,000 people to actually sign up and he can get started. 

*****

Israel arrested three suspects in a plot to blow up a U.S. Embassy that was organized on Facebook. 

- It all started when they sent out thousands of requests for Americans to join them in a game of "Words with Enemies". 

- Officials really caught on when they read the terrorists profile which listed their romantic status as "Will soon be in a relationship with 72 Virgins". 

*****

Have a great day and we'll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast! (#108)!

-Dick

White Castle Leaves Competitors Steamed...

Time Magazine has named White Castle's square-shaped "slider" the most influential hamburger of all time, beating out burgers from McDonald's, Burger King and In-N-Out.

- Ironically, downing a bunch of "sliders" is usually an "In-N-Out of the Bathroom" experience.

*****

The latest winter storm and sub-zero wind chills have caused at least 1500 flights to be cancelled around the country today. 

- There have been so many weather related airline problems this year, Delta is changing it's slogan to "We Love To Fly... 'Til It Snows!

*****

The research website SplashData released it's annual list of the most common email passwords. Coming in at #1 was the word "password" followed by "123456". 

- Seriously? Even Allen Ludden never actually used the word "Password" as the "Password" on the show Password! 

- In the City of Detroit, the least popular email password is "LBrooksPaterson".

*****

A new study by the Canadian Medical Association says that optimistic people tend to live longer than pessimistic ones. 

- Yeah right. 

*****

According to multiple sources, Justin Bieber dropped $75,000 at a Miami strip club in just a few hours. 

- He didn't spend the money, he actually dropped it when his plastic Superman wallet fell out of his pocket.  

- The dancers knew it was Justin when he kept pointing at them, giggling and saying "The Beeb sees boobies!"

*****

Two men were arrested in Oklahoma after telling police that a dog was driving their minivan when it crashed. 

- Cops didn't buy their story that it was a Golden Retriever and "as every one knows, blonds can't drive". 

- Interestingly, dogs do drive in North Korea. No wait...you can get dogs at the "drive-thru" in North Korea. 

*****

Have a great day - try to stay warm - and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Barbara And Bill...Sittin' In A Tree! Are You K-I-D-D-I-N' Me?

Former First Lady Barbara Bush told an interviewer that "she must confess to loving Bill Clinton." 

- Bill Clinton immediately responding by saying, "I did not have sex with that woman...George Washington!"

*****

President Obama caused a stir when he said that he doesn't feel Marijuana is any more dangerous than Alcohol. 

- Whereas Bill Clinton thought it was so dangerous, he wouldn't even inhale!

*****

Disgraced Politician Anthony Weiner and his wife are looking to move out of their $12,000 a month NYC apartment for something cheaper. 

- Weiner is reportedly working exclusively with female realtors saying "You show me what you've got...and I'll show you what I've got."

- He insisting on a separate bathroom for his selfies...uh...himself. 

*****

A new poll says that two thirds of Israelis believe that President Obama won't stop Iran from building a nuclear bomb. 

- A related poll found that 100% of Iranian Government Officials don't believe him either. 

*****

The British Press is reporting that Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles will begin "Job Sharing" the Royal duties. Insiders believe that as she nears her 88th Birthday, the Queen is ready to begin handing over the reins to Charles. 

- Luckily he's used to being handed the reins every time the Royal Groomsman brings Camilla back from her walk. 

- Charles is no spring chicken himself. At 65, he already needs to pop a Viagra before showing Camilla the Royal Scepter.  

*****

The backlash following the Seahawks' Richard Sherman's post game rant after defeating the 49er's Sunday has even non-Bronco fans rooting for Denver in the Super Bowl. 

- He's so crazy Kim Jong Un cancelled Sherman's upcoming "Football Diplomacy" trip to North Korea. 

*****

NOTE:  The 27th annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon to feed the homeless & hungry in Metro Detroit is one month from today... Friday, February 21, 2014. 6am to 10pm. I'll be behind the mic live from the Oakland Mall as we broadcast on 760 AM WJR! 

-Dick