Are You Ready For Some Super Bowl?

Denver vs. Seattle in the Super Bowl... My Pick: Denver! Peyton Manning just too good...

*****

With the match-up now set, weather officials say there's a 35% chance of snow for the Big Game. 

- The whole "Let's Play The Super Bowl In An Open-Air Stadium in New Jersey During February" idea came from the same people who run the George Washington Bridge. 

*****

On the heels of his latest trip to North Korea, Dennis Rodman has checked himself into rehab for alcohol addiction. 

- His BFF Kim Jong Un has already sent Dennis a care package including a months supply of "Dog Jerky". 

*****

More than 11 million people have quit Facebook in the last 3 years. 

- They just couldn't take any more pictures of cats doing bitchy things.  

- Imagine all of the incredible slo-cooker meatloaf recipes we're missing out on. 

*****

The American Apparel store in New York unveiled new mannequins that have hair where the sun don't shine. 

- This is why I only shop at Brazilian Apparel stores. 

- A replica of one of the mannequins will be featured at Madame Tussaud's "Need To Be Waxed Museum". 

*****

NBC announced that Billy Crystal and Garth Brooks will be Jay Leno's final guests on the Tonight Show in February. 

- Watch...they'll decide that Billy and Garth are too old and replace them with Honey Boo-Boo and Miley Cyrus.

- Much like when Bette Midler serenaded Johnny Carson when he left the show, Miley will serenade Jay. The only difference is she'll be naked with her tongue hanging out during the whole song. 

*****

A recent phone survey said that over 70% of Madonna's fans are gay males. 

- The other 30% didn't answer the phone because they were busy watching "Ellen". 

*****

Have a great day - stay warm - and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out our latest Podcast (#107) featuring my friend and former "Purtan's Person", Joe Noune! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #107: "Dating & Dictators"

Click here to download Podcast #107

Welcome to the weekend and a brand new Podcast - #107.  Dad's no longer in North Korea having proudly hung his "Mission Accomplished" banner after his work with Dennis Rodman and Kim Jong Un to achieve world peace. But our "Globe Trotter" isn't done yet...

Hearing about his success, Russian Prez. Vladimir Putin invited him to the Kremlin to help develop a high-tech security system for the upcoming Olympic games in Sochi. (I think it's his work on the Obamacare website that got him the gig!)

While there, Dad was stunned to find out that after retiring from being a ruthless Communist, one of the greatest insane Russian dictators of all time, Vladimir Lenin, would go on to write that incredible hit song "Imagine"  And when Putin showed him Josef Stalin's yearbook photo, (voted "Most Likely To Kill 20 Million of His Own People"), he realized that Stalin had a better haircut than Kim Jung Un. 

That leaves my special return guest Joe Noune and me to man (and woman) Podcast Central. And Joe has big news: HE HAS GIVEN UP ON ALL DATING! And when he shares the stories of just two of the dates he met online, you'll understand. Let's just say one of the women so misrepresented her "physical attributes" he ended up on a date at The Palace with a female Dick Butkus. 

To be honest, Joe's dating prowess was a non-starter even in high school. Just wait til you hear the story of his teenage girlfriend who told him she suffered from a rare disorder that would cause her to lose consciousness if he ever touched her. Yep...he believed her the entire three years they dated. 

So get out a tissue or two (you'll laugh, you'll cry...) and join us for Podcast #107!

Have a great weekend and Dad and I will see you back here Monday.

-Jackie

N. Koreans Get Lift From New Ski Resort; Lions Get Lift From New Coach!

North Korea's new luxury ski resort has officially opened. 

- It's like a regular ski resort except instead of a "bunny hill" it has a "doggy hill" and you don't ski down it, you eat it. 

- Kim Jong Un even put in a special chair lift for family members that takes them to the top of the mountain and drops them off the other side. 

*****

Jim Caldwell is the Lions new Head Coach. They say he works particularly well with Quarterbacks. Let's hope he works equally as well with Receivers! 

*****

Robert Martinage, the No. 2 official at the U.S. Navy, was forced to resign because of inappropriate conduct towards females in his office. 

- His lawyers claim he was borrowing a page from the Marines and was simply, "Looking For a Few Good Women". 

- Apparently when he said, "All Hands on Deck!" he was referring to a cute Midshipman named Cindy Deck. 

*****

Michelle Obama turns 50 this week and she says she wouldn't rule out Botox or plastic surgery down the road. 

- She's still trying to get on the Obamacare website to find out if facelifts and tummy tucks are covered. 

*****

The Congressional Budget Office says that between 2006 and 2011, Medicaid doled out $172 Million for Penis Pumps. 

- They keep "artificially inflating" the budget to screw the country so I guess this makes sense. 

*****

Jerry Seinfeld and Jason Alexander were seen exiting the New York diner made famous in their hit show Seinfeld. Some say it's a sign of a possible reunion show. 

- Jerry doesn't need the money, but maybe George's bank account is suffering from "shrinkage". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick 

"In Space No One Can Hear You Say 'Honey...EVERYTHING Makes Your Butt Look Big!'"

The National Enquirer reports that Kanye West is hoping to spend his honeymoon with Kim Kardashian on an inflatable spacecraft set to launch in 2015. 

- Apparently he wants to go where no men have gone before and that rules out spending a few nights in a hotel with Kim. 

*****

The U.S. set a record in 2013 for the fewest lightning deaths in one year. 

- Scientists say the chances of that kind of thing happening again is less than getting struck by lightening. 

*****

The AP reports that the Spanish language version of the Obamacare website is filled with bad "Spanglish" translations, such as using "prima" which means "female cousin" in place of "premium". 

- Thousands of Latinos are wondering why they have to pay their female cousins hundreds of dollars a month to cover doctor visits. 

*****

Video has surfaced of a Montana preacher delivering a 60-second Church service so he could leave and watch the 49er's game this past Sunday. 

- You'd except this kind of behavior if the Saints were playing, but the 49er's? 

- Parishioners knew something was up when the preacher shouted from the pulpit "YOU READY FOR SOME GOSPEL?!"

*****

Israeli's Defense Minister says that Sec. of State John Kerry is obsessed with Middle East peace talks and that he has a "Messiah Complex". 

- As an example, they said that the whole "Swift Boating" thing was no big deal because Kerry believes he can actually walk on water. 

*****

Nadya Suleman, "The Octomom" is being charged with welfare fraud and could face five years in prison. 

- Her kids are devastated and have asked the judge to make it at least 10 to 20. 

- So look for the new reality show "Octo-Inmate" coming to a cable station near you!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

From The People Who Brought You Clay Aiken...

Tonight marks the opening the 13th Season of "American Idol". 

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- Expect plenty of criticism, screaming, and crying... And that will just be Jennifer and her hairdresser in JLo's dressing room. 

*****

The FAA is investigating why a Southwest Airlines Flight landed at the wrong airport in Missouri. 

- So now in addition to paying for seats, snacks and baggage, Southwest will  charge you a "Correct Destination & Runway" fee. 

*****

Federal Authorities are reviewing NJ Governor Chris Christie's use of the relief money his state received after Hurricane Sandy. 

- The Dems are accusing him of using the dough to buy extra orange barrels so he could shut down the George Washington Bridge. 

- They're also questioning his "A Donut for Every Displaced Resident" program. 

*****

The six astronauts on the International Space Station finally got their Christmas presents when a supply ship arrived almost a month late. 

- Boy...we can send a man to the moon but we can't get him his Playstation 4 in time for Christmas. 

- But the fruitcake arrived on time. 

*****

According to a new study, dolphins are able to deliberately get stoned on puffer fish. 

- This explains why Flipper could jump so "high" in the pool! 

****

Speaking of getting high, disgraced Toronto Mayor Rob Ford made a "campaign stop" at a local nightclub, where he posed for pictures with fellow partiers. 

- He did the usual politician stuff... shook hands and kissed topless babes. 

*****

A candidate for the Orlando city council whose been arrested 21 times says she's fit to represent the people because she's walked in their shoes. 

- She did walk in them, but only after stealing them from DSW. 

- How'd Orlando get so lucky? She'd be PERFECT for the Detroit city council! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

- Dick

Gentlemen (and Ladies)...Start Your Engines!

Congratulations to Chevrolet! The Corvette and Silverado were named the Best Car and Truck of 2014 this morning as Auto Show Week gets underway. 

*****

A new study claims that American cell phones are 18 times dirtier that public bathrooms. 

- And that's even without the naked "selfies". 

- Apple is working on a new smartphone called the i P.

*****

Speaking of Awards... Hollywood's biggest stars were dressed to the nines last night for the 71st Annual Golden Globes.  Among the winners: 

The Award for Best Motion Picture - Comedy or Musical went to "American Hustle".

- If you haven't seen it, it's the story of millions of Americans who are led to believe that they can get Affordable Health Care Insurance thru a non-working website. 

*****

Best Performance by an actor in a Made For TV movie went to Michael Douglas for his role as Liberace in "Behind the Candelabra". 

- It was good to see the Foreign Press get behind him. 

*****

E! Entertainment was redder than the red carpet when they put "FUN FACT: Michael J. Fox was diagnosed with Parkenson's Disease in 1991" on the screen during their streaming coverage. 

- It was followed by another "Fun Fact"... "Actor James Gandolfini won't be appearing on stage tonight because he died!"

*****

Newspapers overseas have picked up the National Enquirer story that Barack and Michelle Obama are having marital problems. The reports cite an unnamed White House insider who says the couple are now sleeping in separate beds. 

- WH Spokesman Jay Carney says it's just part of their new "Redistribution of Sheets" program. 

*****

The Yankee's Alex Rodriguez has been suspended for the entire coming season due to Steroid use - which he continues to deny. It will cost him this years salary: $25 Million dollars. 

- So his bank account  won't be expanding nearly as much as his biceps. 

*****

Have a great day and don't forget Podcast #106 with the always entertaining and creator of many great bits on my show, Joe Noune! Just click here: Podcast #106

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #106: "Where's Dick???"

Click Here To Download Podcast #106

Jackie here...

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Welcome to the weekend and a brand new Podcast...#106! We decided to fill our first fresh installment of the New Year with just about everything under the sun - with one minor exception: My Dad. 

Why isn't he here to kick off 2014 with us (and you)? You'll have to listen to find out! (Hint: it involves a a wedding dress, a jock strap, and a really bad barber). 

But fear not...one of our favorite guests, the always amusing Joe, story teller extraordinaire Noune, joins me for a discussion ranging from dissolving Christmas trees to 65-year-old men in Feetie Pajamas (Joe isn't only a Joker, he makes an awesome looking Batman), to the joys of having a gas fireplace. 

And speaking of trying to "warm up", Joe puts on his "Phil Nye the Science Guy" hat and tells us about a highly technical experiment he recently conducted involving a cup of water and his porch. The result gives us an answer to the age old question: "Do mice really drive mini-zambonis?". 

He also reveals the two things he recently left at a gas station during a 20 below wind chill fill up that has left him less of a man, but with a falsetto that would make the fat lady at the opera jealous. Plus, I'll tell you about an incredibly popular movie I saw over the holidays that I thought was so bad (as did my Dad), that we actually warned people waiting in line for the next showing to go see the Mary Poppins movie instead. 

And as hard as it is to believe, it's been 13 years this week since we lost our long time friend and Dad's long time radio show producer & comic genius, Gene Taylor, to an asthma attack. We share some great stories about Gene's wit, how he and Dad worked together like "Comedic Surgeons"...and how Gene loved to remind me (especially at public appearances) that he used to change my diapers. The really embarrassing part is...it's true! (Gene always did know how to "Pamper" the ladies"...)

So sit back, try to think about Dad's mustache (it's better than thinking about mine!) and warm up your ears with Podcast #106! 

Have a great weekend and we'll see you back here (with Dad) on Monday!

-Jackie

"Baby It's (Not Nearly As) Cold Outside!"

With today's temp expected to hit a beach-like 22 above zero, most kids headed back to school and it's back to business as usual for the rest of us. 

- To give you an idea of just how cold it was, even Edward Snowden's pipes froze, making it impossible for him to leak anything.

*****

NJ Governor Chris Christie is in hot water after emails revealed that his staffers shut down three lanes of the George Washington Bridge to snarl traffic to embarrass a local mayor who refused to support him in the election. Christie denies any knowledge of the plan which caused thousands of motorists - including first responders - to be delayed by hours...but said that heads will roll. 

- And knowing Christie, they'll be rolled in powdered sugar and topped with hot fudge. 

- Christie added that he doesn't believe the incident will hurt his chances for a presidential run in 2016, saying "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." 

*****

An Oklahoma man died after his stepson gave him "an atomic wedgie" by pulling the man's underpants up his back and over his head. He was strangled by the waste band. Police say it's the first time they've ever heard of someone being killed by their own underpants. 

- So apparently Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan have a method to their madness. 

- Police were able to pinpoint the day he died by reading the "Friday" written in magic marker on the waistband. 

*****

A new report by the Centers for Disease control says that the rate of new gonorrhea and syphilis cases jumped by 14 and 11 percent respectively.

- Looks like even more people are trying to "Keep Up With The Kardashians"!

*****

NY Knicks guard JR Smith was fined 50 thousand bucks for twice trying to untie the shoelaces of opponents to make them trip during recent NBA games. 

- I guess the old itching powder in the jock strap just wasn't effective enough.  

****

A new study reveals that the vast majority of Super Bowl ads are not effective. 

- Researchers noted that the ads for beer are particularly ineffective because the people watching them are too drunk to remember what they just saw. 

*****

The family of Honey Boo Boo suffered only minor injuries in what looked like a major traffic accident on Wednesday. 

- Doctor's say family members complained of bruises while Honey told nurses she only had a Boo-Boo. 

*****

Have a great day thawing out and I'll see you back here tomorrow with an ALL NEW Podcast featuring Joe Noune! 

-Dick

"Happy Birthday Mr. Maniacal Dictator..."

Looking to escape the frigid temps? Why not a book a warm weather getaway to the South Pole! While the overnight high in Detroit last night was minus 8, the thermometer at McMurdo Sound, Antarctica registered 33 above zero. With many kids still home from school because of the bitter cold, I thought we'd offer up a few stories that may not warm your hands, but will certainly warm your heart...

*****

Before the players hit the court for his controversial US/North Korean Basketball Game in Pyongyang, Dennis Rodman took the opportunity to sing Happy Birthday to his "best friend" Kim Jong Un. 

- Un attended the game with his wife and several other North Korean government officials that he hasn't killed yet. 

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- It was just like the time Marilyn Monroe famously sang to John F. Kennedy, except she looked way better in her dress than Dennis did in his. 

*****

Months after his conviction of failing to report almost $200,000 to the IRS, Kwame's daddy Bernard Kilpatrick has reported to a low security federal prison in Texas to serve out his 15 month sentence. 

- I always wished I had a son so we could wear matching outfits! 

- Guards say Bernard already tried trading his Lipitor pills for cigarettes, but none of the other prisoners were interested. 

*****

A judge in Spain charged King Juan Carlos's very wealthy daughter, Princess Christina, with tax fraud and money laundering. 

- Her lawyers say the charges are absurd since everyone knows Royal Family members NEVER do their own laundry! 

- Who does the Princess think she is? The Queen?

*****

Ralph Lauren's niece was arraigned yesterday for being "dangerously drunk" on a NY bound plane that was forced to land in Ireland. 

- The Pilots of the plane will also be charged with "Incredible Stupidity" for dropping off a dangerously drunk woman in Ireland. 

*****

Tim Tebow claims he worked out 10 hours a day, 6 days a week in order to become a better quarterback. 

- He should have passed on the workouts...and just practiced passing. 

- Tebow may not be able to throw, but thanks to those Zumba classed, he can really shake his money-maker! 

*****

The Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas featured a "Smart" toothbrush that provides users with details on their brushing habits. 

- Great...Now the NSA can gather more of our personal information from a "mole-ar" in our mouths. 

- The "Dentists for Equality In Brushing" is already accusing people who use Whitening Toothpaste of being racists. 

*****

Have a great and hopefully warmer day and I'll see you back here tomorrow! 

-Dick

It's Too Cold To Do Anything But Try To Stay Warm...

Having grown up in Buffalo, I thought I was used to this kind of stuff. WRONG. After venturing outside to check the mail, I came back in the house and stuck my head in the freezer just to warm up! Thus, I am shutting down the blog today and hanging out a sign that reads "GONE ICE FISHIN'". 

Stay safe, stay warm, take a bath in some nice hot Chicken Soup and I'll see you back here tomorrow! 

-Dick

How Low Can It Go???

The major snowfall may be behind us...but things are about to get a lot worse. The "Polar Vortex" (which I thought was the name of a Keanu Reeves Movie) will be sending actual temperatures below zero and wind chills into the -20 and -30 below range. Things haven't been this cold since Jay Leno was informed he was being replaced by Jimmy Fallon!

The snow and the deep freeze caused well over 800 school closings. But a lot of businesses were affected as well. Here's a partial list...

- "Bert's Beer Bar" is closed. A note on the door reads: "No patrons can get plowed until our parking lot does".

-  "Steve 'n Sal's Sip 'n Strip" is open...but lap dances are delayed two-hours while the girls implants thaw out. (It's always fun until somebody loses an eye!)

-  The 24-Hour-Stop 'n Shop will be closed for the next 48 hours.

- Little Caesar's will be serving pizzas, but they will be temporarily sold under the name "Not-So-Hot 'n Ready".

- Anyone caught attempting to "write their name in the snow" will be ticketed and then immediately taken to the emergency room. 

- The organizers of tonight's "Global Warming Fundraising Gala" are asking all attendees to drive SUV's to the event to avoid getting stuck in a ditch. 

- The Federal Prison in Milan will be open for it's regular Monthly visiting day, but asks all visitors to sneak in electric blankets with their other contraband, so prisoners can de-ice their shivs. 

*****

Stay warm...get out your fur lined 4 buckle Stoshes Galoshes, and I'll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

The Purtan Podcasts: 105 Ways to "Chill" This Weekend...

Welcome to the weekend and the day I usually put up a new Podcast! I had booked a very special guest for this week's edition - Al Gore - to get more of his insights on Global Warming. Unfortunately, Al's flight was cancelled due to blizzard conditions. It ended up working out for the best since my microphone is suffering from shrinkage and is temporarily out of commission. 

Luckily, I still have what my Dad used to call "the old ace in the hole"... That's right, 105 previously recorded Podcasts that are already up here at dickpurtan.com. Just click the "PODCAST" button at the top of this page and scroll thru until you find something that catches your interest. The best part is you won't catch a cold in the process since you can do it all from the cozy comfort of your couch!

So grab a mug of something warm, put on your electric socks and take your pick of Podcast #1 to #105! 

-Dick

And by the way...the weather may continue to be frightful, but we'll have a Brand New Podcast (#106) up to warm your ears next Friday! As the guy from the Men's Warehouse used to say... "I Guarantee It!" 

It's A Green (and) White Out!

Kudos to Michigan State for an impressive victory over Stanford in the Rose Bowl last night! The 24 to 20 Victory for the Spartans was especially sweet considering it's been 26 years since their last Rose Bowl appearance. And MSU's win...along with Nebraska's win over Georgia salvaged this years tarnished Big Ten reputation. Of course Ohio State can add to that if they beat Clemson in their game Friday night. But, and no offense Buckeyes, I'll stick with the two wins we've got! 

*****

For the 6th consecutive year, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton were named America's most admired man and woman. 

- The poll was taken in the the MSNBC cafeteria. 

*****

A new Pew Research Poll shows that one-third of Americans don't believe in Evolution. 

- Turns out a lot more people actually believed in Evolution until they took a look at the guys from "Duck Dynasty". 

*****

New research out of Canada claims that sex is better exercise than walking. 

- And best of all, you don't have to wear $100 athletic shoes during the workout! 

*****

Some people in Denver spent New Year's Eve in line outside marijuana dispensaries so they could be among the first to buy recreational pot, which became legal at Midnight. 

- They've always called Denver the "Mile High City"...but now it's official.  

- So now in Colorado, you won't have to spend time in the joint if you get caught smoking one. 

One guy in line said he couldn't remember being so excited. Then again, he couldn't remember his name or address either. 

*****

Some fans are complaining that in her new Las Vegas show, Britney Spear's well-defined abs are actually painted on. 

- On the bright side, at least this time she's decided to wear underwear! 

*****

Have a great day...stay warm...and I'll see you back here tomorrow! 

-Dick 

January 1, 2014

Happy New Year!

From the Purtan family to you and yours...All Good Wishes for a Happy, Healthy 2014!

And best of luck to the Spartans as they take to the field in the Rose Bowl for the first time in 26 years! 

Game Time against Stanford: 5pm. Go Spartans! 

New Year's Eve 2014

Happy Last Day of 2013! 

I hope it's been a good year for you...unlike the Lions and Coach Jim Schwartz, who got the ax yesterday. (Well look at it this way Jim, you weren't  the one who dropped all those passes!)

Speaking of dropping balls...No matter where you are for the big moment tonight at Midnight, I wish you all a Safe, Healthy and Happy New Year...

And to the Spartans: GOOD LUCK IN THE ROSE BOWL! 

See you back here in 2014! 

Going...Going...Almost Gone!

I hope you had a good weekend! With tomorrow being New Year's Eve... I've decided to spend today coming up with the list of resolutions I will make tomorrow, and then proceed to break on Wednesday! 

Have a great 2nd to last day of 2013 and I'll see you back here...New Year's Eve! 

-Dick 

It's a Purtan Podcast Potpourri!!!!!

I was all set to record a Brand Spanking New Podcast for your listening pleasure today... but frankly, I have gifts to return! (And to each of my six daughters who might be reading this, No...it's not the one from you. Honest!)

Seriously, it occurred to me that with a whopping 105 Podcasts already up on the site, there were plenty of "Podisodes" for you to choose from in the week ahead! Just click on the PODCASTS button on the top of this page, and pick one of your favorites, or use what I call the "Whitman Sampler" method: Pick one that looks good to you and give it a shot. If you don't like the first one you pick, just "spit it out" and try another one! To paraphrase  Forrest Gump, "Podcasts are like a box of chocolates... You never know what you're gonna get!" 

Have a great last weekend of 2013...and I'll see you back here Monday!

-Dick

"Twas The Day After Christmas..."

Hope you had a spectacular Christmas and for the rest of 2013... "May Your Days Be Merry and Bright"! 

*****

NORAD, the North American Aerospace Defense Command, reported receiving a record 14,000 calls and emails from Children wanting to know exactly where Santa was at any given moment. 

- Meanwhile over a million kids cut to the chase and just called the NSA. 

*****

In his annual Christmas message from the Vatican, Pope Francis invited even Atheists to join in the fight for a "better world". 

- The Atheists didn't believe Him and the Agnostics wanted proof that he really said it. 

*****

The White House encouraged parents to use Christmas "Family Time" to talk to their college age kids about Obamacare.

- Most the kids are "all in"...if the plan includes an Xbox. 

*****

Harvard scientists believe they've found a protein that can reverse the aging process by as much as 40 years. 

- So someday soon, Cher will actually be "Younger" than her nose, lips and cheekbones!

- If handled correctly, this means we could actually live in a World where Miley Cyrus won't even be born for another twenty years. 

*****

A new report suggest that regular exercise reduces the risk of hearing loss. 

- I SAID...A NEW REPORT SUGGESTS THAT REGULAR EXERCISE REDUCES THE RISK OF HEARING LOSS! 

- So now you can tell people at the gym you're working on your gluts, your abs and your lobes. 

- Or you could just take that new anti-aging protein and have the hearing you had 40 years ago!

*****

Babycenter.com announced that "Jackson" is the top baby name for boys in 2013. 

- "Frankenmuth" came in dead last. 

- For girls, "Ann Arbor" was #1. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow! 

-Dick

Christmas Day 2013

Christmas Eve 2013

"And so I'm offering this simple phrase, 
To kids from one to ninety-two, 
Although its been said many times, many ways, 
Merry Christmas to you..."

From the entire Purtan family to you and yours...

Have a Safe, Happy & Healthy Christmas Eve!

-Dick