The major snowfall may be behind us...but things are about to get a lot worse. The "Polar Vortex" (which I thought was the name of a Keanu Reeves Movie) will be sending actual temperatures below zero and wind chills into the -20 and -30 below range. Things haven't been this cold since Jay Leno was informed he was being replaced by Jimmy Fallon!
The snow and the deep freeze caused well over 800 school closings. But a lot of businesses were affected as well. Here's a partial list...
- "Bert's Beer Bar" is closed. A note on the door reads: "No patrons can get plowed until our parking lot does".
- "Steve 'n Sal's Sip 'n Strip" is open...but lap dances are delayed two-hours while the girls implants thaw out. (It's always fun until somebody loses an eye!)
- The 24-Hour-Stop 'n Shop will be closed for the next 48 hours.
- Little Caesar's will be serving pizzas, but they will be temporarily sold under the name "Not-So-Hot 'n Ready".
- Anyone caught attempting to "write their name in the snow" will be ticketed and then immediately taken to the emergency room.
- The organizers of tonight's "Global Warming Fundraising Gala" are asking all attendees to drive SUV's to the event to avoid getting stuck in a ditch.
- The Federal Prison in Milan will be open for it's regular Monthly visiting day, but asks all visitors to sneak in electric blankets with their other contraband, so prisoners can de-ice their shivs.
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Stay warm...get out your fur lined 4 buckle Stoshes Galoshes, and I'll see you back here tomorrow!
-Dick