"Twas Target's Nightmare Before Christmas..."

Well it's Christmas Eve-Eve, and If you're anything like me, you're busy "wrapping" like Eminem, "stuffing your stockings" like Kirstie Alley, and still trying to find time to get to the mall for that last minute whatchamacallit you forgot for that special someone on your list! To that end, today I'll be offering up a scaled down version of the regular blog...but worry not, as the expression goes, "Good Things Come In Small Web Posts"! 

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Target's nightmare before Christmas has gotten worse as the black market is now being flooded with bogus credit cards linked to millions of account numbers stolen from their customers. 

- They've narrowed down their list of suspects to the NSA. 

- Experts say women should be the one to check their credit card statements for unusual purchases because lets face it, men like me have absolutely no idea what gifts my wife and I are giving people for Christmas. 

- Speaking of giving...based on yesterday's game, not to mention most of the season, The Lions have proven once again that they're great  at "giving things away".

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Churches are using GPS trackers to keep track of the baby Jesus' that are stolen from nativity scenes. 

- In the old days, people just read the Bible to find God. 

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During his annual Christmas speech the Pope admonished members of the Vatican to stop gossiping and get back to work. 

- So I guess the Pope is just like any other boss...except that he doesn't wear pants. 

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On a personal note... Gail and I took our youngest grandchild, soon-to-be-two-year-old Brayden and his Mom and Dad Brad and Julie, to "Dinner With Santa" at Macy's last week. In addition to the Man in the Big Red Suit, they had Mrs. Claus, three "Christmas Carols" and a "Sprite". When Brayden sat on Santa's lap, it reminded me of my own childhood when my parents told me there was no Santa Claus. I cried like a baby. Of course I was 18 at the time...

- Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow, Christmas Eve!

-Dick

Forget "Christmas Carol"...We've Got "Matinee Mindy"!

Click here to download Podcast!

Welcome to the last weekend before Christmas! In this, Podcast #105, we welcome "Matinee Mindy" back to the table for a much requested "Part 2" visit. As you probably know, Mindy was Tom Ryan's sidekick for many years at WOMC. Well today she's back...and she's looking for two things: A husband and a job!

Mindy, who's never been married, regales us with more stories of the multitude of "First Dates" she's been on - largely arranged by her mother. Not to imply that her mother isn't a good matchmaker, but if she started an online dating website it would probably be called eHeCouldn'tBeMoreOfALoser.com.

Among the guys Mindy's been out with:

- A guy who took her to a Tiger game in 100 degree heat and in 9-Innings never offered to buy her so much as a bottle of water.

- The man who insisted on keeping their date despite the fact that he had full-on pneumonia. He took her to his "favorite seafood restaurant" and then announced that he hated seafood. 

- And a Movie-Date debacle involving a guy with an unhealthy hatred of Popcorn. 

Mindy also explains why she NEVER eats on dates, why her voice is so hoarse, and how only one of the 19 Program Directors she worked for at WOMC actually liked her on the air. 

She, Jackie and I also talk about accidentally "hiding" things from ourselves. (I'm still looking for a Christmas gift I got my wife Gail two years ago and stashed in a "secret place"). Speaking of Gail, I'll tell you how she and I played an instrumental role in Tom Ryan marrying his longtime wife Joan (Let's just say Joan didn't take our advice...)

I'll also reveal one of Tom's favorite songs - that station management only allowed he and Mindy to play ONE TIME each year...despite the fact that it had been a #1 Hit!

Finally, Jackie will tell us about a new word she learned that describes the feeling people get in their stomach when they even think about the person they're crazy about. (Let's just say you haven't lived until you've been "Twitterpated"). 

So stop Decking the Halls for a few minutes and tune-in to Podcast #105! BTW...if you're looking for a great gift idea for Mindy, a job would be perfect! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with some special Pre-Christmas cheer! 

-Dick

"Duck Dynasty" Star Ruffles Feathers, Loses Job!

Phil Roberston, the patriarch of the "Duck Dynasty" family has been fired from the show by A&E after he made anti-gay comments in an interview with GQ. He compared homosexuality to beastiality. 

- You know...like having sex with a Duck. 

- A&E execs say they're considering replacing him with the "spokesman for Aflac Insurance".

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After being forced to retire by NBC because his audience is "too old", Jay Leno is being pursued by a bunch of cable networks including CNN. 

-  I don't know if even Jay Leno can be as funny as Wolf Blitzer!

- There's also talk of casting him in a new show, "Desperate Ex-TV Talk Show Hosts of L.A. ".  

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14 Camels were killed by a passing train in the desert in Israel. 

- Passengers on the train hardly noticed, saying they just "felt a slight hump...uh...bump". 

- So apparently Camels can go days without water, but their hearing? Not so much. 

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Today is National Re-Gifting Day. 

- The day when people accidentally give their friend Bob a bottle of wine that they received last Christmas in a bag with a tag reading, "Merry Christmas To Sandy & Steve!"

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Dennis Rodman was greeted by his pal Kim Jong Un when he landed in North Korea today. He says he's there to help train the North Korean National Basketball Team for the upcoming Olympics. 

- He's going to start by having the players wear 2-foot-high platform sneakers. 

- North Korean Basketball is just like American except if the ref calls a foul on you, you are beheaded on the free throw line. 

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Jessica Simpson is reportedly in talks to guest host for Vanna White on "Wheel of Fortune". 

- Jessica is so excited, she said as a surprise, she's going to buy everyone in her family a vowel!

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During an interview this week, Justin Bieber said that he's retiring after the release of his next album and quitting the music business. But his manager said Justin was "just kidding". 

- So the Beebs is staying around...Proving that this IS "The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year"!

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Have a great day and I'll see  you back here Friday with an all-new Podcast featuring a much-clamored for return visit by special guest "Matinee Mindy"! 

-Dick

One Week Til The Big Day!!!

Triple A predicts that a record 94.5 Million Americans will take a trip by car during the year-end holiday season. 

- The majority of those "trips" will be to Wal-Mart to return the ugly "Santa Never Gets Enough Ho Ho Hos!" sweater your teenage son got you for Christmas. 

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A controversial new study says that most multivitamins are ineffective and don't have any health benefits at all. 

- Well that's a hard pill to swallow. 

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In an interview with Piers Morgan, Barbara Walters said about President Obama that "I...We...thought of him as the next Messiah". She added that she probably shouldn't say that at Christmas time. 

- I assume by "We" she meant The View's "Three Wise Women"... Herself, Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar. 

- This may explain why she picked Miley Cyrus as one of the "Ten Most Fascinating People of The Year". 

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In a new poll, 39% of Americans said yes when asked if it is ever okay to tell a lie. 

- Most of those who said lying was okay are in charge of the Obamacare website.  

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A new Washington Post/ABC poll found that President Obama's approval rating is 43%, the lowest of any President at this point in his second term since Richard Nixon. 

- The deal breaker came when Obama was photographed walking on the beach in a pair of Wing Tip Dress Shoes.  

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Dennis Rodman is heading back to North Korea, on the heels of launching his own brand of Vodka. 

- He and Kim Jong Un plan to do "shots" together. 

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The writers at "Family Guy" have come up with a way to bring Brian the Dog back from the dead. 

- It's a really complicated technique using colored pencils. 

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Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Yoga's Gone To The Dogs!

There's a new trend where dogs are able to take yoga classes with their owners. 

- The hardest part for humans is walking around in a circle and dragging their butts across the carpet.

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Today's Mega-Millions lottery jackpot has grown to $586 million.

- Which is just $10 bucks more than desperate parents are paying to get a $399 PlayStation4 on Amazon, in time for Christmas. 

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Someone uploaded the entire "confidential" Obamacare navigator training manual to the Internet.

- So now you can finally access info on Obamacare on the Internet!

- But then again people say you can't believe everything you read on the Internet...with the possible exception of what you read here on dickpurtan.com!

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The US Government is considering giving Edward Snowden Amnesty in return for the NSA documents he took but didn't release. 

- ...yet. 

- They've also offered him a great deal on Health Insurance...which something tells me he's gonna need.

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Another former Disney teen star had a naked "selfie" leak onto the Internet, only this time it was a guy, Dylan Sprouse. 

- Thus making him the first male Disney star to go public with out pants since Donald Duck. 

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Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Duck. Uh...Dick. 

President & Vice President Agree On "Nothing"!

Joe Biden says there's a White House holiday policy that the President and Vice President do not exchange gifts. 

- Truth be told, Joe wasn't able to get on the website that sells the "World's Greatest Boss" coffee mugs. 

- The did announce a new Holiday Tradition this year...naming Edward Snowden as the White House Official "Secret Santa". 

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It's estimated that Santa Claus will receive 8 Million traditional paper letters in the mail this year. 

- So basically 8 Million kids are "Going Postal" this month!

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Doctors claim that if James Bond were real, he'd be an alcoholic, because his consumption of martinis on screen is four times the weekly recommended limit. 

- The news left Bond fans shaken...but not stirred. 

- Of course if James Bond were real, he also be on antibiotics 24/7 because of all the women he's slept with. 

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North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un has executed his own Uncle because of allegations that he was a gambling, drug-addicted womanizer. 

- Looks like there's gonna be an extra spot at the Un Family dinner table come Christmas! 

- Kim Jong Un himself sticks to alcohol. He's famous for doing "shots". 

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A Deerfield, Florida Wal-Mart employee was arrested for allegedly shooting up the parked car of a rival worker who'd beaten him out for "Employee of the Month". 

- He had enough for bail since he saved so much on the gun and ammo he bought before walking out to the parking lot. 

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Oprah Winfrey says she never had kids because they would've ended up hating her because she was so career-driven.  

- I guess her kids would have preferred her to be more "Car-Pool Driven". 

- Bottom line: Changing diapers is not one of Oprah's "Favorite Things". 

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RIP... Peter O'Toole, whose most famous role was as "Lawrence of Arabia", passed away this weekend at the age of 81. He was nominated for an Oscar 8 times but never won...except for a Lifetime Achievement Award two years ago. "Goodbye Mr. Chips..."

And Joan Fontaine, who won an Oscar for her performance in Alfred Hitchcock's "Suspicion", opposite Cary Grant, has also passed away. She was 92 and is survived by her sister, 97-year-old Olivia De Havilland, who played "Melanie" in GWTW.  

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Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday - One week from Christmas Eve! And don't forget Podcast #104 with special guest "Matinee Mindy" is up now! Just click here: Podcast #104

-Dick

Podcast #104: "Blind (Deaf & Dumb) Dates With Matinee Mindy!"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #104...a rather appropriate number as today I welcome one of my longtime co-workers from WOMC (104.3) to the Dining Room Table... the one, the only "Matinee Mindy". 

Mindy worked as Tom Ryan's producer and sidekick for more than 20 years which kept her so busy, she never had time to get married. She did date a lot - or should I say she went out on a lot of "First Dates".  Most were arranged by her mom (Mother Markowitz) and most of them were hilarious Titanic-esque Disasters. 

She tells us about the guy who drove her 80 miles per hour down the freeway - backwards, the one who asked her to go to Meijer at midnight so he could buy a razor, to shave his legs, and another date who stood her up but had a very good reason: He was in jail at the time they were supposed to meet. (The Octomom has had better luck with guys than Mindy).

There's also some radio gossip mixed in...

Just before we recorded, Mindy, Jackie and I had attended a Christmas luncheon with some of the old gang from our days at WOMC. Not everyone could make it (Quite possibly because not everyone was invited. You'll have to listen to find out the who's and whys!) 

We'll also tell you who was "let go" by station management while on maternity leave. (I guess the station figured since the baby was a girl, a "pink slip" would make an appropriate gift), how I found out that Drew & Mike were on their way out months before the ax fell, and Mindy shares the story of some high-level information she stumbled upon regarding ME that she kept from Tom Ryan for a very long week. 

And just in time for the holidays, we'll tell you about the new "cache" associated with retro "flip phones" that makes them iCooler than the latest iPhone. 

So be caller number ten right now... No wait, we're not on the radio anymore! Just click on the link above or below and treat yourself to a Matinee - Mindy that is - in Podcast #104. 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday!

-Dick

"Hey...What's Your Sign?"

The man accused of fraudulently providing gibberish sign language during the entire 3 hour service for Nelson Mandela claims he's schizophrenic, hears angels talking to him, and has no memory of the event. He also added that he did a good job. 

- Experts say they should have caught on when he started trying to pat his head and rub his tummy at the same time. 

- Apparently the people who vetted this guy are the same ones made Edward Snowden the NSA's "2012 Employee of the Year".

The man also said he's been an interpreter for years and has never heard any complaints. 

- It's not that the deaf community didn't complain, he just didn't understand their sign language telling him he was a %$!@&*!

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Research shows that the U.S. Campaign in Pakistan asking people to stop hating Americans isn't working. 

- Did they learn nothing when they put the "I Heart the USA" page up on Facebook and didn't get a single Pakistani "Like"???

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A study shows that touching men's underwear made women more willing to take financial risks. 

- Especially if the guy wearing the underwear is Brad Pitt and he's asking you to invest in ANYTHING. 

- Apparently watching William DeVane chop wood in a plaid jacket telling people to invest in Gold just isn't cutting' it for the ladies. 

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A new survey shows that in the last 6 months alone, 40 patients at hospitals in England underwent surgery on the wrong limb, had medical instruments left in their bodies or were given the wrong implants. 

- Interestingly, there were very few complaints about the women who accidentally got the implants. 

Patients also received the wrong doses of the wrong medications and one man underwent an invasive colonoscopy intended for someone else. 

- After realizing his mistake, the Doctor removed the scope...and then his head...out of the the guy's butt. 

- This is way better than Obamacare! You get covered for conditions that weren't even pre-existing until the doctor started working on you. 

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Kathleen Sebelius is calling for a full investigation into what caused the Obamacare website debacle that she is in charge of. 

- She could save a lot of money by just buying a mirror. 

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This year's Super Bowl at Metlife Stadium in New Jersey will be the first Super Bowl in history to ban tailgating in the parking lot before the game to tone down rowdiness. 

- Fans say the move is childish and the NFL execs are acting like a bunch of spoiled Johnsonville Brats. 

- So now fans will be forced to cook hot dogs in their car's cigarette lighter and slam beers with the trunk closed. 

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Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast with a special guest making her first ever appearance! 

-Dick

It's Gonna Be A Blue Christmas For Kwame!

Yesterday, a federal judge ordered Kwame Kilpatrick to pay $4.6 Million in restitution to the city of Detroit as part of his punishment for running a Racketeering Operation out of his Mayoral Office. He was also ordered to pay the IRS almost $200,000. 

- He better pay the IRS bill fast or he could end up in...oh, wait! 

- Kwame heard the news while he was rehearsing for the Prison's annual "All I Want For Christmas Is Parole" Pageant.

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The Detroit City Council will be sworn in today. 

- I remember the day Monica Conyers was "sworn in". She dropped 10 F-bombs and a dozen other expletives before she even took the oath. 

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Time Magazine has chosen Pope Francis as it's "Person Of The Year" - the person who has had the greatest impact on the world.

- And to think I had 50 bucks riding on the guys from "Duck Dynasty". 

- Apparently the Pope has some friends in high places. 

Time made the announcement this morning on the "Today Show" adding that former NSA Leaker Edward Snowden was the runner up. 

- Actually Snowden and the Pope have a lot in common...for instance, they've both visited Russia. 

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The man seen on television around the globe "signing" the speeches at the Memorial Service for Nelson Mandela has been exposed as a fake. Experts say as people like President Obama delivered their remarks, he moved his hands around and made gestures that meant absolutely nothing. 

- They should have caught on when the guy pulled on his ear and Joe Biden said, "Sounds like..."

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A new study shows that frequent cellphone use by students leads to lower grades, anxiety and reduced happiness. 

- The anxiety and reduced happiness part also applies to the parents who are on the phone listening to their kids ask for more money. 

- With the education system in the shape it is, it's at least nice to know that there's still room for kid's grades to get even lower. 

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Carrie Underwood says that she is praying for those who criticized her portrayal of Maria in last week's live broadcast of "The Sound of Music". 

- Interestingly, the producers were going to go with Taylor Swift but then realized she'd end up breaking-up with Captain Von Trapp and ruining the ending. 

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Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Baby It's Cold Outside!!!

If you've been outside today, you know it's what we kids used to call "Snot-Freezing Cold"! So how cold is it? 

- It's so cold the Hookers on Eight Mile are wearing their fur lined fishnets.

- It's so cold the Joe Louis Fist is wearing a boxing glove. 

- It's so cold the City of Detroit Bankruptcy Budget is "Frozen". 

- It's so cold the fries you get at the drive-thru actually seem hot.

- It's so cold a guy relieving himself by the side of the road actually peed ice cubes. 

- It's so cold "shrinkage" can now lead to "snapage".  Now THAT's Cold!!!!!

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The latest leak from Edward Snowden reveals that the NSA has undercover agents sneaking around virtual game realms like World of Warcraft to spy on the players. 

- Right...spying. That's what the NSA agents caught playing World of Warcraft on company time told their bosses they were doing. 

- They actually used the info to figure out exactly how many 17 to 35 year old men are unemployed. 

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Facebook is considering adding a "Sympathize" button. 

- It's for those people who feel awkward hitting the "Like" button when someone posts that they're Grandfather just died. 

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President Obama will speak today at the memorial for Nelson Mandela. 

- Meanwhile Joe Biden will be delivering the eulogy for Brian the Dog from Family Guy. 

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Sarah Palin announced plans for a new reality show on the Sportsman Channel that will focus on hunting, fishing and shooting. 

- Execs plan on starting the show off with a real bang by featuring guest star Dick Cheney and Sarah on a quail hunting trip. 

- She lives so close to Russia, her show will run on her cable network "Commie-Cast". 

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It's happened again...A woman using the bathroom in a Georgia "Home Depot" store found herself super-glued to one of the stores toilets. 

- If only she'd been in a "Home Depot" store where they carry some kind of super glue solvent...

- Employees said she ended up with "Rosy Cheeks" just like Santa Claus.

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North Korea has dismissed Jang Song-Thaek, the powerful uncle of leader Kim Jong Un, for what is described as a string of criminal acts including corruption, womanizing and drug taking. 

- Dennis Rodman is furious...Edward Snowden told him weeks ago that Jang Song had picked his name in the Korean Palace Secret Santa Exchange!

- Looks like there's gonna be one extra stocking in front of the firing squad wall this year.

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Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! And don't forget to check out Podcast #103 where I reveal what I asked asked Santa for this year!  Just click here: Podcast #103

-Dick

Spartans Come Up Big...So Blog Comes Up Short!

No Blog today... Too tired and worn out from burning couches at Cedar Village in East Lansing after the big Michigan State win over Ohio State Saturday night!  

Congratulations to the Spartans on the Huge, Very Sweet Victory! And now it's on to Pasadena... and I'm off to Art Van to get a new couch!

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #103: "Books, Obamacare & Manboobs!"

Click here to Download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #103! In my latest "Pod-stallment" I welcome my wife Gail and daughter Jackie to the Purtan dining room table. (I mean it's not like I really have to "invite" them...it's their table too). 

Speaking of Gail...she just had a Birthday and we begin with her unwrapping a gift from Jackie (she did a much better job of acting like she liked it, than Carrie Underwood did acting as Maria Von Trapp in "The Sound of Music" live the other night!" - Although I thought her singing was great!)

While "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?" is a great question...there are plenty of others! Ever wondered what Al Capone's brother did for a living? Or why Thomas Jefferson's head is pushed back from the other guys on Mount Rushmore? You'll find out as I tell you about a great new book called "One Summer". It's full of info about things that happened in 1927 including the Yankee's best year (when Babe Ruth hitting his famous 60th home run), a "mistake" made by Henry Ford, and how the world began becoming "Americanized" when Hollywood "Talkie" movies hit the big screen.  (Note to my six daughters: I wouldn't mind seeing this book under the tree come Christmas morning!)

Then we move on to something you're not likely to get for Christmas this year...a Health Insurance Plan. (Jackie's policy ends Dec. 31st so she's trying to work in that "breast augmentation" before the end of the year - just kidding!) 

Speaking of that we talk about "Man-Boobs" and the real way to avoid getting them, the 3 hottest Christmas gifts this season and which one I'm hoping for. (No...it's not the PlayStation 4), plus a new Fisher-Price infant seat fitted with an iPad holder. (So now your'e six-month-old can use his iPad to text you "iPooped". 

We'll also tell you how Angelina Jolie's 50th B-Day gift  to Brat Pitt could solve a crisis in Asia, my feeling's on the "untimely death" of Brian the Dog on "Family Guy", and explain how looking at a certain something can make people believe in God. 

So pour yourself a glass of egg nog (all egg whites please!) and unwrap Podcast #103!

-Dick

I Hope I Look This Good When I Turn 50!

Congratulations to Ford on the 50th Anniversary of it's legendary Mustang! They're celebrating with a 6th Edition of the iconic car. 

- You can purchase a special 50th Anniversary Edition of the car, but hurry! They're going faaaassssst!

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President Obama said that after he retires from the White House, he'd like to "take over" ESPN's "Sports Center". 

- Meanwhile Joe Biden wants to join the cast of "Duck Dynasty". 

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At yesterday's "Youth Conference" at the WH, the Prez tried to fire up young people to help promote Obamacare even saying, "If you're a bartender...throw a Happy Hour" to talk up the health insurance program. 

- Something tells me college kids in bars aren't looking to "pick up" a Health Care Plan. 

- You'll know you're at one of those Happy Hours if the bartender says, "You look HOT! - Maybe you should get Obamacare so you can get some meds for that virus."

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Fisher-Price has introduced a new infant seat equipped with an iPad holder for your little one. It's called the "Apptivity Seat". 

- So now your 6 month old can email you when he pooped his pants. 

- Experts warn introducing technology to babies could lead to "The Terrible Tweets". 

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A new study reveals that 80% of people believe in technology addiction, and 71% say they know someone who is a tech addict. Researchers say that for many people, being denied access to gadgets like smartphones is as stressful as getting married. 

- It's not quite the same...most married people don't get a "free upgrade" every couple years. 

- Signs of tech addiction include sweaty palms and an compulsion to post what your having for dinner on Facebook. 

*****

Charlie Sheen says he was scammed out of money by a couple of his ex-girlfriends. 

- Charlie must define the word "scamming" as paying hookers and strippers to have sex with him. 

- Apparently he forgot that he scammed himself out of millions when his bizarre behavior forced CBS to fire him from "Two-and-a-Half Men". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a Shiny New Podcast! (It's no Mustang, but it's guaranteed to get you revved up!)

-Dick

Weight'll You Hear This One!

Eighteen percent of people in the U.S. say they're at their ideal weight. 

- These are the same 18% of people who have fun house mirrors in their bathrooms.  

*****

Democratic Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid, one of the architects of Obamacare and one of it's staunchest supporters, will exempt some of his staffers from having to use it. They'll be allowed to keep their government insurance plans instead. 

- So apparently when Obama said "If you like your insurance plan you can keep your insurance plan" he was talking to four guys in Harry Reid's office. 

*****

Meanwhile the latest problem with the dysfunctional website is that while some people can actually log on, their info isn't being sent to the insurance companies, so people think they have coverage when they don't. 

- Big deal. I mean...what's the worse thing that could happen? 

- The problem was discovered by an 87-year-old woman who found out the hard way that she didn't have maternity coverage. 

*****

According to a new poll, the approval rating for Congress is 6 percent. 

- On the bright side, a whopping 80% of Americans think the guys on "Duck Dynasty" are doing a great job. 

*****

Hollywood execs announced that there will be an R-rated version of the "Fifty Shades of Grey" movie, as well as a NC-17 version for more "delicate" movie-goers. 

- There will also be a super duper extreme version rated G...Spot. 

- The NC-17 version will be released as "Twenty-Five Shades of Grey" and the G-Spot version will be called "250 Shades of Grey".  

*****

A University of Texas survey found that the top three regrets men have about sex involve not having it with enough women. 

- They were going to do the survey at the University of Arkansas but were afraid Bill Clinton's average would throw off the curve. 

*****

Monday night, Seatle Seahawk fans got so rowdy that it registered on a seismometer as a small earthquake. 

- The same thing happened at a Dolly Parton concert when she changed bras during intermission.  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

The End Of The World...And A Purtan Family Birthday!

Miley Cyrus, and the cast of "Duck Dynasty", Kayne West & Kim Kardashian are among Barbara Walter's choices for the Most Fascinating People of 2013. 

- So it's official. The world is ending this month. 

Also making the list is Oscar winner Jennifer Lawrence, GMA anchor Robin Roberts, former NSA Leaker Edward Snowden and Prince William & Kate Middleton's infant son George. 

- Amazingly, little George can actually say Barbara's name...well at least the "Whaa Whaa" part. 

- Barbara didn't actually pick Snowden...he leaked a list with his name on it so she had to go with it. 

*****

Amazon.com CEO Jeff Bezos claims that in a few years his company will use unmanned drones to deliver packages directly to people's homes within hours of them placing an order. 

- The hardest part would be getting the drone to ring your doorbell so you know the package has arrived. 

- And Air Traffic Controllers thought they were overworked now. 

- I have more comments about this but I don't want to drone on and on.

*****

The most popular holiday gifts this year are the Xbox One and the PlayStation 4. 

- They're a lot like Obamacare...everytime you go to a website to order one, they say they're temporarily unavailable. 

*****

NASA has announced that it is going to try to grow herbs on the moon. 

- This is great news for space aliens who like to use fresh basil in their homemade marinara sauce!

- Flying someone up there everyday to water them is going to cost a fortune.

- A lot of people are hoping they'll grow marijuana because apparently they just can't get high enough here on earth. 

*****

Shoppers spent $57 Billion over the four-day Thanksgiving Weekend, which means Black Friday spending per average American was down for the first time in years. 

- Retailers are calling it "The Black Friday of Black Fridays". 

- Next year sales will start BEFORE Thanksgiving on what is known in the industry as "Mauve Wednesday". 

*****

A Croation group in France is suing Bob Dylan for a hate crime for comparing Nazis and Jews to Serbs and Croats in a recent interview. 

- Thus marking the first time anyone has understood anything Bob Dylan has said since 1969. 

*****

On a personal note... Happy Birthday to my incredible wife Gail! We started dating when she was 15 and I was 16, meaning that we've been together for almost 30 years now! Seriously, in addition to my six wonderful daughters, Gail has given me a lifetime of joy and happiness and has pretended to enjoy more documentaries on World War II than any spouse on Earth. (She knows more about Hitler than Eva Braun). I am blessed to have her as my "Much Better Half"!

Happy Birthday Gail!

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday...

-Dick

Hurray! Hurray! It's Cyber Monday! At Home Shopping Starts Today!

- So now you can sit around nursing all the bruises you suffered on Black Friday, and still get more shopping done! 

- Employers don't expect workers to get much done today: They'll spend the first half Cyber Shopping, and the second half on Facebook bragging about the deals they got! 

*****

Cairo University studied the fatwas issued by the Muslim Brotherhood under Mohammed Morsi, and one said that because the Egyptian word for "sea" is masculine, women who swim in the sea are adulterers and should be punished. 

- Apparently wearing a full length burka while strolling the beach isn't punishment enough. 

*****

According to a new report, the U.S. launch code for nuclear missiles during the Cold War was nothing more than a series of 8 zeros. 

- It's actually because they stored the "Nuclear Football" in a piece of Samsonite luggage and forgot to reset the lock. 

- Today "8 Zeros" refers to the group of guys who designed the Obamacare website. 

*****

Within 5 to 10 years scientists say they'll have a chip that can be implanted under the skin that tells a person when to stop eating. 

- Apparently until then you can continue eating all the "chips" you want! 

- What kind of a dip came up with the chip idea?

- And you thought the government got under your skin now. 

*****

China launched it's first lunar probe to the moon today. 

- And then they launched another one an hour later. 

- They're hoping to send a man to the moon by 2020 as part of their "Moon Goo Guys" program. 

- They call the mission, "One small step for Lo Meinkind". 

*****

ABC's new Thanksgiving special. "Lady Gaga and the Muppet's Holiday Spectacular" bombed in the ratings, drawing only 3.6 million viewers. 

- The only exciting moment in the show came when the two old guys in the balcony had heart attacks when Lady Gaga came out in a green frog leg dress made out of Kermit. 

*****

Have a great day and don't forget to check out my latest Podcast! Just click here to play: 

Purtan Podcast #102

See you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #102: "An Audible Post-Thanksgiving Buffet!"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend after Thanksgiving and Podcast #102! If you're anything like me you're still stuffed, to semi-stuffed, from Thursdays big feast.  (I'm pretty sure I've got gravy still running thru my veins!)

Much like your refrigerator which is probably chock full of leftover goodies, today's Podcast, (with another visit from special guest Tom Delisle) is full of tasty tidbits. 

On The Menu?

- I reveal why my longtime engineer at WXYZ Radio Louie Shook refused to shower with the guys after our "Purtan No-Stars" charity hockey games.

- Jackie explains her 12-year-old son Charlie's outrage that George Washington danced with every other woman at his inaugural ball EXCEPT his wife. (How and why he knows this still baffles me).

- I'll tell you how a joke I told at a recent military fund-raiser bombed (so to speak) because no one in the audience had seen the movie "An Officer and A Gentlemen". 

- We discuss how old Dick Smothers looks in a new commercial for a medical condition called Bartlett's Disease (caused by acid reflux).  

- An embarrassing moment Tom (Delisle) shared with William F. Buckley Jr.

-  Whether or not Jackie will ever be invited over to my house for family get-togethers. (Before you start sending e-mails...It's a joke!) 

And save room...because there's lots more. So take a break from your shopping and tune in to Podcast #102! All you have to do is click! (Talk about FREE SHIPPING!)

Have a great day...and a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday! 

-Dick

Gobble! Gobble!

Well it's the day before the Big Day... And whether you're finishing up at work, headed to Grandma's, or trying to figure out what to do with your giblets, take a moment for a little fun! 

As was a tradition on my radio show for many years, and now on dickpurtan.com, I've put up "The Fat Man's Prayer" by actor Victor Buono for your Day-Before-Thanksgiving pleasure. 

It's quick, quite amusing, and best of all...CALORIE FREE! 

Just click on the link below...you'll be "thankful" that you did!

Have a great day today and a Safe and Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow!

-Dick

The Fat Man’s Prayer by Victor Buono (2:27)

Breaking News...Santa Tops His Own "Naughty List"!

A 60-year-old Mall Santa was arrested for allegedly pinching the butt of an 18-year-old female elf. 

- It's the Most Wonderful Time Of The Year...right until the cops show up. 

- If convicted, I'm sure he'll get some nice Stocking Stuffers from the guys in the Pen. 

*****

HUGE SALVATION ARMY PIE SALE!!!!! 

Everything made from scratch by volunteers of the S.A. Girl Guard Program! 

Three delicious varieties: Apple Crumb ($11). Pecan ($11) & Pumpkin ($9). Available at the Salvation Army HQ - 3015 N. Main in Royal Oak or call (248) 585-5600 to place an order! Open 9am to 9pm today, 9am to 6pm Wednesday. All proceeds go to the Girl Guards Program! These pies are delicious and happen to be where the Purtan Family gets our Thanksgiving pies! 

*****

Rodney Dangerfield's widow says she keeps a bottle of the late comedian's sweat in her refrigerator. 

- She says she does it out of respect.

- NOTE: If invited to Rodney Dangerfield's widow's house for dinner...bring your own salad dressing! 

- You don't know wanna know what she keeps in her freezer. 

*****

A 25-year-old woman claims she and Charles Manson plan to get married. 

- With no date set, at this point the wedding plans are really Helter Skelter.

- She says Charlie can't wait to start a family. I hope it's a different kind of family that his last one. 

- Like any bride-to-be she's says she's a bit nervous. Okay, maybe a little more nervous than most...

*****

Mick Jagger is going to be a great-grandfather early next year. 

- He's got plenty of experience from years of changing Keith Richard's diapers. 

- Mick and the baby will have a lot in common...They both need some warm milk to help them get to sleep. 

*****

A 60-year-old Mall Santa was arrested for allegedly pinching the butt of an 18-year-old female elf. 

- So I guess it is the Most Wonderful Time Of The Year...right until the cops show up. 

- If convicted, I'm sure he'll get some nice Stocking Stuffers from the guys in the Pen. 

*****

The Ford Explorer driven by Sarah Palin when she was mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, is for sale on eBay. 

- It's got really low milage since the grocery store she shops at in Russia is just a few miles away. 

*****

A Charlotte, North Carolina man died and left his 4,270 sq. ft. home and $250,000 to his two cats, with his family getting nothing until the cats die. 

- Visitation for the cats will be this Friday from 11 to 2 followed by a private burial. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with a pre-Thanksgiving treat!

-Dick

Such A Deal???

Secretary of State John Kerry brokered a deal that freezes some parts of Iran's nuclear program - but lifts billions of dollars of sanctions against Iran for 6 months.  

- Kerry said negotiating was tough, but he gave in when Iran's President pinky-sweared that they would stop trying to make bombs. 

*****

In his first post-prison interview, Dr. Conrad Murray the man convicted of killing Michael Jackson insists he didn't kill the King of Pop, but loved him. He said the two were so close, he "held Michael's penis every night and inserted a catheter" to help with his bed-wetting. 

- Okay, that's even creepier than the video for "Thriller". 

- For the doctor that's known as being a BFF WITHOUT Benefits.

*****

President Obama is taking three days off to host fundraisers. 

- He's trying to enough money to buy enough Starbucks coffee to keep his Obamacare website techs awake. 

*****

More pet owners are turning to medical marijuana to treat their pets. 

- Cat owners are using it on healthy cats to mellow them out and stop the bitchy attitude. 

- And you thought your dog begged for snacks now. 

*****

Miley Cyrus did it again... She closed last night's AMA's with a rendition of her hit "Wrecking Ball", and was accompanied by a giant video of a kitten lip-syncing every word Miley sang. 

- Apparently the cat was high on medical marijuana when it agreed to the gig. 

*****

Taylor Swift won four trophies and made history by becoming the first female artist to win "Artist of the Year" for three years in a row. 

- She's got her heart set on winning again next year...so let the dating/breaking-up begin! 

*****

Singer Rhianna won the first ever "Icon" award - the AMA's version of a "Lifetime Achievement Award". She's 25. 

- So apparently in the Entertainment Industry, 25 is the new 90. 

*****

Famous Psychic Sylvia Brown died last week. 

- She never saw it coming!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you here tomorrow as we count down to Turkey Day! 

-Dick