Veteran's Day 2014

I think the above quote is perfect. To all of our Veteran's...Thank You!

*****

The Post Office confirmed that their employee database was breached. 

- Hackers were able to get postal workers names, social security numbers, and the names of the most feared dogs on every block in America. 

- Experts warn this could happen to Fed-Ex employees too...but the hackers will get the information much quicker...like overnight. 

*****

Rush Limbaugh is threatening to sue the Democratic National Committee for defamation. 

- The head of the DNC said, "Oh yeah? Well.......Ditto!" 

*****

An employee at a North Carolina Wal-Mart was caught on surveillance cameras using deodorant sticks and returning them to store shelves. 

- The man started sweating profusely when confronted...but still smelled like a Cool Ocean Breeze. 

*****

A New York Grandmother celebrated her 100th Birthday by going skydiving. 

- Amazingly, her boobs hit the ground before she even pulled the rip cord. 

- And to think most people are just happy to make it onto the Smucker's Jar. 

*****

A court ruled that Oscar Pistorius cannot get home surveillance because he could easily detach the leg that his monitoring bracelet is on. 

- Why don't they just put it on his other leg...no, wait...

- Besides, letting him stay at home could put dozens of potential "intruders" in danger of being shot.  

*****

Prince William and Kate Middleton are visiting New York next month to announce their new wild life charity.

- Meanwhile Prince Harry will visit Las Vegas next month to get drunk with a bunch of hot hookers. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Dennis Influences The Menace???

Dennis Rodman says that North Korea's decision to release it's last two American hostages came after he sent a heartfelt letter to his BFF Kim Jong Un.

- Look for Dennis in a new series of waffle commercials with the slogan, "Let Go My EGO!"

- It's a rare man who can look good in a wedding dress AND effect international diplomacy.  

*****

Congratulations to the Lions on their 20-16 last minute win over the Miami Dolphins yesterday...putting them in first place in the NFC North Division with a record of 7-2! 

Looks like the Lions have actually "Restored The Roar" this year! 

*****

A study at the University of Washington found that chemicals used in dog food may be able to extend human life. 

- On the plus side you'll be able to catch a Frisbee in your teeth...on the downside, you'll spend those extra years dragging your butt across the carpet. 

- We could live to be 105...which is like 735 in dog years! 

*****

Pepsico is experimenting with a soda that tastes like Doritos. 

- Its for people too lazy to actually eat and drink at the same time. 

- They'll also be a Diet version of the Pop...with 50% less powdered cheese. 

- We've already got "Mountain Dew"...I think they should call this one "Mountain DON'T". 

*****

A survey found that 60% of Americans trust online dating sites. 

- They don't trust anyone they MEET on them, but they do trust the sites. 

*****

Forbes magazine named Vladimir Putin the World's Most Powerful Person of 2014.  

- Putin is said to be powerful and generous. In fact they say he'll give people the shirt off his back...if he ever wears one. 

*****

Sesame Street debuted on television 45 years ago this week. 

- 45 years is a long time to have someone's hand up your butt...no wonder Oscar's so grouchy. 

- The shows creator says that not much has changed, but admitted that due to osteoporosis, Big Bird isn't quite as Big as he used to be. 

- To celebrate, all of this week's episodes will be brought to you by the letters L, I, P, I, T, O & R. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Get Well Gordie!

Great Red Wing Legend Gordie Howe is said to be resting comfortably after suffering a serious stroke at his daughter's house in Texas Sunday morning. His son Murray Howe, a Doctor in Toledo, says Gordie, who is 86, is able to speak, but has limited movement on the right side of his body and needs help walking. Gordie also suffers from dementia and underwent successful spinal surgery for back pain this summer. 

So please join me and the entire Purtan Family in sending Prayers for a speedy recovery to a great athlete... and a great man. 

*****

The 18,000 sq. ft. Grosse Pointe Shores mansion of Art Van Furniture founder Art VanElslander, originally listed at $15.9 million was sold at auction yesterday for an undisclosed price. 

- They don't know how much it went for, but we do know the deal included no money down, no interest for four years AND Art Van paid the sales tax!

- The home was closed the day before the auction so employees could slash the price to the absolute lowest of the season. 

*****

Macy's announced plans to open it's first-ever store in the Middle Eastern country of Dubai. 

- It'll be located in the downtown area right next to "Bed, Burka & Beyond". 

*****

Taco Bell announced that they'll start accepting orders by phone to cut down on wait times. 

- Great news guys! Imagine how impressed your date will be when you tell her you don't have to wait in the drive-thru line! 

*****

Duck Dynasty star Jep Robertson, who is recovering from a seizure he suffered during a hunting trip, says it was like something he's never seen before. 

- Like a dentist. 

*****

Dolly Parton told Billboard Magazine that Christians should start accepting people as they naturally are. 

- Funny... Dolly never felt that way BEFORE she had the implants. 

- Which is great advice for everybody but Bruce Jenner who has NO IDEA who he "naturally" is. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

"Not Tonight Honey...I Had Ebola"

The CDC is warning Ebola survivors to abstain from sex for at least 6 weeks. 

- Who would have sex with someone who just got over Ebola...except for Charlie Sheen? 

*****

A new line of men's boxers promises to protect a man's "family jewels" from harmful cell phone rays. 

- The ray-blocking underpants are especially effective with the iPhone Sex...uh, I mean, 6. 

- This will work great for everyone but Anthony Weiner since he normally doesn't wear pants when he's using his phone. 

*****

The U.S. Postal Service announced plans to start delivering groceries. 

- They just have to figure out how to get a stamp to stick to a head of broccoli.

- If I don't get Christmas Cards delivered to my house until Easter...what are the chances they're gonna deliver my Chunky Soup before it's expiration date? 

*****

The mother of Oscar Pistorius's murdered girlfriend says that her daughter never had sex with Oscar during their 3 month relationship. 

- Right...

- I don't believe her story any more than I believe Oscar thought he was shooting at an intruder in his bathroom. 

*****

A study by the University of Missouri found that plants can tell when you're eating them. 

- So when that bowl of Chili starts "talking back to you"...it's not the spices, it's the ticked off tomatoes. 

*****

A new book claims that John F. Kennedy Jr. engaged in a torrid affair with Madonna. 

- Madonna left the relationship with some really great memories...and JFK Jr. left it with an unexplained rash.

*****

A Nebraska high school is allowing guns to be used in senior portraits as long as they're legal. 

- So apparently you can't bring a gun to school in Nebraska...except on Picture Day! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Lions Pull Off British Invasion Of Falcons...

Lions Win over Falcons 22-21 at London's Wembley Stadium. Bloody well played! 

*****

President Obama hosted Ebola survivor Nina Pham at the White House over the weekend. 

- She may have beaten Ebola, but she got even more nauseous after eating the Kale-Kebobs and Brussel Sprout Layer Cake Michelle served her for dinner. 

*****

A new survey suggests that online dating is becoming more popular than meeting someone at a bar. 

- But some of the old rules still apply...for instance most women say they wait until the 3rd email to have virtual sex with the guy. 

*****

UPS says it expects holiday shipments to jump by 11% this year. 

- So if you're wondering "What "Brown can do for you"...just know they'll be doing 11% more of it. 

*****

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner says he's opening a restaurant. 

- Hot Dog! 

- Let's just hope Anthony isn't in charge of picking out the pictures for the menu. 

- Interested waitresses are being asked to send a brief resume on Twitter. You'll know your hired if Weiner Tweets you back.  

*****

Russian Facebook has narrowed down it's "Miss Hitler" pageant to 10 finalists. 

- It's just like any other pageant, except "Miss Congeniality" isn't all that "congenial".

*****

John Denver posthumously received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. 

- Unfortunately his family from Colorado missed the unveiling, as the plane they were flying, ran out of gas. (Sorry...)

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #141: "The Longest Laaaaaauuuuuugggghhhhhh In TV History!"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #141. This go-around we dip our podcasting toes in a whole pool of topics including:  

- The longest laugh in television history... and several other classic competing claims for that title. 

- The two teenage girls who joined ISIS, ended up pregnant, and now want to go home to Mommy and Daddy. 

- Speaking of doofuses...we talk of the Kardashian and Hilton sisters partying together in Dubai. 

- Also...frightening Ferris Wheels and the Carney's who operate them. 

- Comedy Clubs charging people "by the laugh". 

- My bad experience with On-Star. 

- And do "Up Skirt" photos violate a woman's privacy??? 

It may be a week until Halloween, but you can "treat" yourself to some "goodies" right now by tuning into Podcast #141!   (28:07)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick  

Green Has Blue Seeing Red...

Students at the University of Michigan were not happy this morning after discovering that the famous block "M" in the Diag of the UofM campus had been spray painted green...and the letters "S" and "U" had been added to it. 

- The Spartans got the "M.S.U." right, unlike the Ohio State students who always put the letters "O", "S" & "U" in the wrong order.  

*****

A study published in the BMC Medicine Journal found that taking Viagra on a daily basis can protect a patient's heart. 

- Except while actually having sex which is when the guy might have a heart attack...which kinda defeats the purpose.  

- As if men need another reason to take Viagra. 

*****

During a speech in Vatican Square yesterday, the Pope took off his regular Papal hat and put on a white baseball cap handed to him by one of the visitors in the crowd. 

- Maybe if he'd worn that hat last week, the Angels would have ended up in the World Series. 

*****

Toys R Us pulled the "Breaking Bad" action figures from it's shelves after parents complained that the dolls were drug dealers - and even came with mini bags of pretend drugs. 

- Looks like Barbie is going to have to find a new supplier for the Halloween party she's throwing at the Malibu Dream House. 

- In a related story, Toys R Us was going to feature new "Secret Service Agent" action figures, but they were no where to be found. 

*****

Scientists say that despite medical advances, humans will only be able to live to 120 - instead of 400 like some other scientists have predicted. 

- "Party City" has no idea what they're going to do with all those "Happy 175th Birthday" balloons they ordered. 

*****

"Jerry Maguire" actress Renee Zellweger appeared at an event looking almost unrecognizable due to what appears to be a lot of "work" done on her face. 

- She still looks like the "Girl Next Door"...but it's the Girl who lives on the OTHER side of your house. 

- She allegedly told her surgeon "You Had Me At Botox". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

Lions: "Gone With The Brees"!

Congrats to the Lions on their come-from-behind 24-23 win over Drew Brees and the New Orleans Saints yesterday! Next game Sunday... 9:30am (our time) against the Atlanta Falcons in LONDON. 

*****

President Obama's credit card  was recently declined at an expensive New York restaurant.  

- Luckily he just called his bank in China and they upped his limit.

- Bill Clinton never ran into this problem because he always paid in singles. 

*****

With Halloween less than two weeks away, HazMat Suits are the top selling costume in the nation. 

- Now if we could just get the CDC to make sure health care workers wear them.

*****

Starbucks is now allowing employees to display their tattoos as long as they aren't located on their faces. 

- Thus dashing Charles Manson's hopes of becoming a Starbucks Barista if he ever gets sprung. 

*****

Russia's version of Facebook is holding a Miss Hitler Beauty Pageant...and 7000 women have already entered. 

- Apparently Russian Salon's are unfamiliar with the concept of "Upper Lip Waxing". 

- One contestant said for the "Talent" portion of the pageant, she's going to invade Poland. 

*****

49 people were arrested after a fight broke out at a New Hampshire Pumpkin Festival. 

- A fight at a pumpkin patch? What a bunch of Jack-Ass-'O-Lanterns. 

*****

A new study claims that drinking regular soda pop leads to disease, premature aging and early death. 

- Take a Big Gulp and think about that for a while. 

- Some women are avoiding the problem by adding a little Anti-Wrinkle Cream to their Coke. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #140: "A Quarantined Dog, A Stuffed Horse & A Little Old Man"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #140. In our latest installment Jackie and I cover The Good... The Bad... And the "Noisy". Topics include:  

- The Ebola situation and the controversy over one of the patient's Dog being quarantined.  

- I re-enact the famous Grocho Marx law firm routine. 

- Mr. Purtan's Neighborhood Nuisance: Why it's taken over a Month for my next door neighbor to put a roof on his house...and how much fun it is living with the noise. 

- The possibility of hiring one of my family members to paint my deck to save a little do-re-me. (I even offer the job to Jackie).  

- Why I feel bad that I can't help my daughters with their home repairs. 

- The guy who was mad at his Boss... so he stole a train. (a REAL train!)

- Bill Cosby's "Little Old Man" train story. 

- A man who "romanced" a toy stuffed horse in the Bedding section of Wal-Mart. 

- The true-life story of a woman who gave birth... with her FATHER-IN-LAW in the delivery room. 

- And the only month of the year without a big holiday in America. (You're going through the months in your head, aren't you?)

So take off your Hazmat suit, slip into something more comfortable and tune in to Podcast #140)!  (24:24) 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick 

Zuckerberg Proves He's More Than A "Fake Friend"...

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg donated $25 million to fight Ebola. 

- This guy will do anything to be "Liked".

*****

Hillary Clinton will make an appearance at Oakland University in Rochester today to throw her support behind Democratic candidates. 

- While Hillary's speaking, Bill will be having lunch at "The Booby Trap" on Michigan Avenue. 

***** 

Macy's announced that they'll open at 6p.m. on Thanksgiving Day. 

- Prompting thousands of people to give Thanks for having to spend less time with their families. 

- It's great news for people who want to get stuffed and trampled on the same day. 

*****

Martha Stewart Living announced major staff cuts. 

- The hardest part was convincing employees that being fired was " A Good Thing".  

- Each employee will receive a golden parachute...well actually it's a gingerbread cookie in the shape of a parachute with gold frosting. 

*****

A survey by theKnot.com found that 80% of married women take their husband's last name. 

- And about five years in, they start "taking his name" in vain. 

*****

A Florida man was arrested for having sex with a stuffed horse after taking if off the shelf at Wal-Mart. 

- Police said he kept insisting, "It's MY Little Pony! It's MY Little Pony!"

- He would have used a Bert or Ernie doll...but he didn't want people thinking he was gay. 

*****

Madonna's daughter Lourdes says she's enjoying her first semester at the University of Michigan. 

- She says her classes are "easy"...which is most likely the same word the male students use to describe her. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast (#140)! 

-Dick

Waldorf Astoria Now Serving Moo Goo SPY Pan???

The State Department is reviewing a Chinese firm's purchase of the legendary Waldorf Astoria Hotel in NYC because of fears that China may use it to spy on prominent Americans. 

- On the plus side, guests say the new Room Service Menu's new "Almond Boneless Chicken" is the best in the city. 

- China doesn't need to spy on hotel guests! They can just read their Facebook posts about their trip to the Big Apple.

- So now instead of a mint on your pillow, you get a hidden camera above the mini-bar. 

*****

A study by the Bureau of Labor Statistics ranked Washington D.C. as the most expensive city in the country to live in. 

- It's so expensive...some homeowners can't even afford locks for their front doors. 

*****

The nation's gay community is cheering Pope Francis for saying that gays should have a bigger role in the church. 

- They also applauded his long robe paired with a giant hat as a "bold fashion statement". 

*****

An Italian nurse is accused of killing 38 patients because she found them "annoying" - then posted selfies of herself with the corpses on the internet. 

- She's smiling in the pix...but her victims look kind of stiff. 

- NOTE TO HER FUTURE CELL MATE: Don't ask for a sponge bath. 

*****

Taylor Swift says she hasn't had a boyfriend in two years. 

- You can hear more about it in her upcoming single "I Haven't Had a Boyfriend in Two Years".

*****

A Pew poll found that more men are worried about catching Ebola than women. 

- Which may explain why men like their girlfriends to dress up in Nurse's outfits...and a Hazmat suit. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

People Pumped Up At The Pump!

Gas prices are dropping...and if they haven't already...will probably fall to less than three dollars a gallon in coming days. 

- Gosh! It must be election time... ya think???

- Think of it as Happy Hour at your gas station...when it's a lot cheaper to get tanked. 

*****

A new study found that Atheists Tweet more that Muslims, Jews and Christians. 

-OMG! 

*****

A study by the FBI found that the average American has a better chance of getting robbed on the Internet than on the street. 

- It's known as iMugging. 

- But a guy named Mgumbo that's been emailing me from Nigeria told me it's not true.  

*****

Jennifer Lawrence says she has a crush on Woody Allen, but is in love with Seinfeld creator Larry David. But David says she's too young for him. 

- He basically told her to "Curb her Enthusiasm". 

- Ironically, Larry David says Lawrence is too young for him to date...and Woody Allen says she's too OLD for HIM to date. 

*****

This week's Saturday Night Live tied a record for the lowest viewed episode in the show's history. 

- So look for a totally non-funny sketch about it this coming Saturday. 

*****

Duck Dynasty star John Luke Robertson got engaged to his girlfriend. 

- Sounds like somebody done did get knocked up. 

- Even if she isn't pregnant, I have a feeling this is gonna be a Shotgun Wedding. 

*****

Tom Cruise's ex-wife Katie Holmes has signed on to reprise her role as Jackie Kennedy in a new mini-series. 

- Meanwhile Tom has signed on to play a Munchkin in a remake of "The Wizard of Oz".

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Women Tell Judge: "UP Yours!"

A Federal Judge ruled that taking "Up-Skirt" photos is NOT a violation of a woman's privacy. 

- Apparently the judge was appointed back when Bill Clinton was President. 

- So guys...forget about putting mirrors on your shoes! Install a camera instead. 

*****

A new report claims that NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is living in Russia with his American girlfriend, who happens to be a stripper. 

- He was looking for someone who wouldn't keep secrets from him and let's face it, it's hard to keep secrets from a guy when you're naked all the time. 

*****

Speaking of Snowden...he told an interviewer that if Americans want to protect their privacy, they should stay away from Google and Facebook. 

- If you don't believe me, Google it. 

- It's terrifying to think that governments around the world may know exactly what level you're on in Candy Crush Saga. 

*****

A study by Rockefeller University found that scientists can enhance the sex drive in mice by placing a hormone in their brains. 

- Minnie Mouse was one of the test subjects which explains why Mickey is so darn happy all the time!  

- They were going to try to implant the hormone in a dog, but it turns out Charlie Sheen is afraid of needles. 

*****

A new Gallup Poll found that 20% of Americans are worried about getting Ebola. 

- The other 80% don't watch TV. 

*****

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un missed another event this past Friday, making it 5 weeks since he's been seen in public. 

- He's like the "Air Malaysia" of ruthless dictators. 

*****

The Kardashians were seen partying with the Hilton sisters in Dubai over the weekend. 

- Admit it...you kinda wish there'd been an armed drone in the area. 

- There haven't been that many half-wits gathered in one place since the last "Three Stooges Convention". 

- It was the first-ever official meeting of an "Anti-Think Tank". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #139: "Wine, Women & Shoes"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #139. Today we talk about a great charity event benefiting the Children's Hospital of Michigan Foundation that the entire Purtan family had the honor and privilege of co-chairing. The evening was called "Wine, Women & Shoes" which amazingly featured Wine, Women and Shoes! Daughter JoAnne was the MC, while Jackie and I spoke and acted as "auctioneers" for the many fine packages up for bids.

There was a strolling wine-tasting, High Heels served on silver platters by some "hot" (according to the women) "Shoe Guys", and a fashion show featuring some of the falls hottest looks. (Again...I was told that by my daughters...I wouldn't know a "hot fall look" if it showed up on my front doorstep labeled "Hot Fall Look".)

It was a great evening and all proceeds went to support the incredible work being done every day by the Children's Hospital of Michigan Foundation. 

My good friend, the incredibly gifted Dr. Larry Fleischman was there... He's the one who literally saved Jackie's life when she was 15, and suffering from a potentially fatal Blood-Kidney disease. After 15 dialysis treatments and 63 days in the hospital, she came home disease free! 

It was a great evening (I was even asked to model during the Neiman-Marcus fashion show but declined when they weren't including anything from the Michael Moore Collection.) and you can hear all the details now in Podcast #139! 

NOTE: Daughters JoAnne & Julie called in on the phone...and those parts are a tad low. Sorry...I've got to fire myself as the I.T. guy! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog...

-Dick

Chinese "Take-Out" US...

According the International Monetary Fund, China has overtaken the US as the World's Largest Economy. 

- To celebrate, China gave all of it's child workers an extra 5 minute break. 

*****

A study by the CDC found that over 110 million Americans have a sexually transmitted disease. 

- Hey China...Put that in your pipe and smoke it! 

- Now I understand that new online dating site: eUnexplanedRash.com. 

*****

An Australian couple who've been married for 55 years lectured the Pope and his bishops on the joys of sex. 

- After 55 years of marriage you'd think the only person having LESS sex than this couple would be the Pope. 

*****

North Korea's Kim Jong Un hasn't been seen in months, leading to speculation that he's been overthrown. 

- Or thrown to the dogs...literally. 

- Of course he could just be on an extended booze cruise with his BFF Dennis Rodman. 

*****

A group of international scientists claim that the female "G-Spot" doesn't exist. 

- Scientists are nerds...maybe it's just that THEY can't find it. 

- We could ask their wives or girlfriends but scientists don't have wives or girlfriends. 

*****

Fox has ordered a 10-part mini series called "The People vs. O.J. Simpson". 

- I can't wait for the final episode to find out how it ends! 

- The part of Kato Kaelin will be played by Kato Kaelin...since he's got absolutely NOTHING else to do. 

*****

The World Health Organization is warning survivors of Ebola to wear condoms for 90 days. 

- Apparently there are more people who want to do the horizontal Mambo with someone who just got over a deadly disease than I thought. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast! 

-Dick 

In Space...No One Can Hear You Snore!

NASA wants to put astronauts into a deep sleep to save money on the 180-day trip to Mars. 

- They'll either inject them with anesthetic or play a continuous loop tape of "Anchorman 2". (Sorry if you thought it was funny...I thought it was beyond bad!)

*****

Despite the dramatic increase in cases of Ebola, the White House announced that the President is not considering a travel ban to/from West Africa. 

- So you can put that trip to Liberia that you've been wanting to take - back on your bucket list...and then kick the bucket! 

*****

The Supreme Court cleared the way for an expansion of same sex marriage in five more states: Indiana, Utah, Virginia, Wisconsin and Oklahoma. 

- So if a Lesbian in any one of those five states gets her girlfriend pregnant, she can now make an honest woman out of her! No, wait...

*****

Demi Moore has offered to help ex-husband Ashton Kutcher and his fiancé Mila Kunis with their new baby girl, Wyatt. 

- It makes sense...she's kind of like the kid's Grandmother. 

- Luckily Demi saved all the toys she bought for Ashton when they were dating! 

*****

Bruce Jenner showed up at an Elton John concert the other night with an even more flowing hair-do and white earrings. 

- Elton and Bruce have a lot in common...although Elton's a lot more manly. 

- Bruce's favorite song used to be "Rocketman"... now it's "The Bitch Is Back". 

*****

FBI agents arrested a Chicago teen at O'Hare Airport who was leaving to join ISIS. 

- Remember the good old days when rebellious teens just sneaked behind the school to smoke a cigarette??? 

*****

FBI Director James Comey says there are two kinds of American companies: those who've been hacked by the Chinese, and those that don't know they've been hacked by the Chinese. 

- To find out which company you work for, check the FBI's handy chart labeled, "Column A and Column B". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

The Fat Lady Sang...

Tigers swept out of Playoffs with Game 3 with a 2-1 loss to the Orioles yesterday. On the bright side, you can get tickets to today's Game 4 at Comerica for a song...

Making the Sports weekend worse: 

Lions lose in the final seconds to the Bills after Buffalo nails a 58 yard field goal... and Michigan comes up short against Rutgers, 26-24. 

But being the glass-is-half-full kind of guy that I am...let's not forget that the Spartans shucked the Nebraska Cornhuskers, 27-22. 

*****

In a speech Sunday, President Obama promised to fix the economy "for all hard working Americans". 

- So it looks like members of Congress and Secret Service Agents are gonna be on their own. 

- Wouldn't it be great if they fixed the economy so all Americans who want to work hard can actually find a job?

*****

An exclusive WXYZ Channel 7/Detroit Free Press poll found that 93% of people in Michigan think our roads are in bad shape. 

- Ya think??? 

- The other 7% didn't respond because they're still stuck in the giant potholes they fell into last winter. 

*****

TNT has cancelled the updated version of "Dallas" after three seasons. 

- On the bright side...we could wake up tomorrow and find out the announcement was just part of a bad dream. 

- To show you how times have changed, instead of "Who Shot J.R.???" audiences will be left wondering "Who Sent A Drone To Take Out Bobby???"

*****

The horror flick "Annabelle" was the top grossing film at the box office this weekend. It tells the story of a tiny doll that terrorizes the country. 

- It's subtitled "The Miley Cyrus Story".  

*****

A mild earthquake struck Las Vegas on Sunday morning. 

- No injuries were reported...but it did knock a woman off her seat at a slot machine, marking the first time she's moved in 27 years. 

- People who live in Vegas were shaken by the quake, but not nearly as shaken as the tourists who woke up Sunday morning and realized they'd married someone they didn't even recognize the night before. 

*****

Apple plans to release the next generation iPad on October 16th. 

- Apple pops out new members of it's family so often they should have their own reality show..."iOS 8 and Pregnant".  

*****

Have a great day, I'll see you back here Tuesday, and GO TIGS!!!!! Ooops...

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #138: "Polkas, Bagpipes, & Cheese...Oh My!"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #138...featuring a return visit by Joe Noune, a "Purtan's Person" on my radio show for many years. Subjects include:  

- Voting "Scotish Style"... Who needs paper ballots when you've got kilts to raise? (So many hanging chads...) 

- The "beauty and ease" of playing the bagpipes...because you only really have to know how to play one song.  

- We play the classic "Polka Grammy" bit from my morning show, featuring Joe as Howard Cosell judging the nominated Polkas. (note: you might want to turn up the volume for this part).

- Why a new study on multi-tasking may spell bad news for women...and hardly affect men at all.

- Favorite old time TV shows and characters. 

- How men don't pay attention to food "expiration dates" and what Mexican restaurants put in their Refried Beans. 

And...

- A  "Secret Purtan Family Recipe" involving Velveeta cheese...and how we lived to tell about it. 

So grab onto your Bagpipes and join us for Podcast #138!  (37:15)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog...

-Dick

LET THE GAME BEGIN!!!

Tonights the night... Game One of the Play-Offs between the Tigers and the Orioles, in Baltimore. Max Scherzer on the mound.  Game time: 5:37pm. GO TIGERS!!!!!!!!!

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After mounting reports of lapses in security, including the revelation that a man rode an elevator with the President while carrying a gun, Julia Pierson, the Head of the Secret Service, resigned yesterday

- In Washington "Resigned" is the code word for "Don't Let The Door Hit You On The A** On Your Way Out". 

- Her temporary replacement said the Secret Service will step up their efforts to protect the President "by hook 'r by crook".

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Microsoft announced that the operating system replacing Windows 8 will be called Windows 10. 

- They decided on Windows 10 because "Wallside Windows", "Majic Windows" and "Hanson Windows" were already taken. 

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According to a new study, married men live longer than single men despite the fact that single men are thinner than their married counterparts. 

- Bottom line: Married men will be older when they die, but single guys will look better at the funeral home. 

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P. Diddy told an interviewer that Jennifer Lopez's booty is a "work of art". 

- If JLo's is a "work of art", then Kim Kardashian's is an entire Museum. 

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A study of U.S. Treasury Securities found that we're borrowing an astounding $8 Trillion a year. 

- If don't know how much 8 Trillion dollars is...it's A LOT. 

- Here's an idea, take 10 bucks from the 8 Trillion and buy a lock for the White House front door. 

*****

The first case of Ebola has been confirmed in the US...with dozens, possibly hundreds of people at risk who came into contact with the patient. 

- Obviously our "Immigration Policy" on viruses isn't working any better than the one we have with people. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here on Friday with a brand new Podcast! (#138)

-Dick

Rosie Shows Her Thorns!!!

They've only been back on the air for two weeks, but Rosie O'Donnell and Whoopi Goldberg got into a heated, expletive laced argument during a commercial break on "The View" Monday, leaving the audience stunned. Rosie was mad that Whoopi cut off her comments on spanking kids to go to a network mandated break. 

- The audience was only stunned that the two actually got along for two weeks before throwing the F-bomb at each other. 

- I understand Rosie's point...think of the millions of viewers who had to wait 3 whole minutes to find out whether or not they should spank their kids! 

- It's an historic day when Whoopi Goldberg comes off as the rational one. 

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The World's Oldest Clown, Floyd "Creeky the Clown" Creekmore has died at the age of 98. 

- In lieu of "Flowers that Squirt Water", his family has requested donations to the "Everybody Can Be a Bozo Scholarship Fund". 

- "Creeky" performed right up until the end, although because of his age, he wasn't allowed to drive the tiny car filled with 27 of his co-workers at night. 

*****

The White House held a state dinner for India's Prime Minister despite the fact that he's fasting. 

- Holy Cow! 

- He's not the first visiting Prime Minister to claim he was fasting after seeing Michelle's "Vegetable Dessert Tray". 

- The good news is, there was plenty of extra food for the uninvited guests who just strolled into the White House during the dinner. 

*****

A study by Princeton University found that 20% of women who decide not to have kids say it's  because of the economy. 

- The study also showed that 45% of women who DO have kids say it's because they forgot to take their pill. 

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Swimmer Micheal Phelps, the most decorated Olympian in history, was arrested for his 2nd DUI after going 84 in a 45mph zone, and crossing the double yellow lines in a tunnel. 

- You'd think after all those laps, he'd at least be able to stay in his own lane. 

- I'm shocked that anyone would pass in a tunnel...unless they happen to be late for their radio show at CKLW. 

*****

California passed a bill making it mandatory for both parties to give oral consent before sex can commence. 

- It's known as the "Discourse Before Intercourse" law. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick