The CDC is warning Ebola survivors to abstain from sex for at least 6 weeks.
- Who would have sex with someone who just got over Ebola...except for Charlie Sheen?
*****
A new line of men's boxers promises to protect a man's "family jewels" from harmful cell phone rays.
- The ray-blocking underpants are especially effective with the iPhone Sex...uh, I mean, 6.
- This will work great for everyone but Anthony Weiner since he normally doesn't wear pants when he's using his phone.
*****
The U.S. Postal Service announced plans to start delivering groceries.
- They just have to figure out how to get a stamp to stick to a head of broccoli.
- If I don't get Christmas Cards delivered to my house until Easter...what are the chances they're gonna deliver my Chunky Soup before it's expiration date?
*****
The mother of Oscar Pistorius's murdered girlfriend says that her daughter never had sex with Oscar during their 3 month relationship.
- Right...
- I don't believe her story any more than I believe Oscar thought he was shooting at an intruder in his bathroom.
*****
A study by the University of Missouri found that plants can tell when you're eating them.
- So when that bowl of Chili starts "talking back to you"...it's not the spices, it's the ticked off tomatoes.
*****
A new book claims that John F. Kennedy Jr. engaged in a torrid affair with Madonna.
- Madonna left the relationship with some really great memories...and JFK Jr. left it with an unexplained rash.
*****
A Nebraska high school is allowing guns to be used in senior portraits as long as they're legal.
- So apparently you can't bring a gun to school in Nebraska...except on Picture Day!
*****
Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick