Maybe Morris Isn't The Only One With A Concussion...

U of M Concussion Controversy Continues - Statement from AD released at 12:10 AM said QB Shane Morris suffered a "mild concussion".  Nobody saw anything. Bizarre. Maybe they should hire the Secret Service to protect the players...

Then again, maybe not...

After Secret Service members themselves reported more than 1000 instances of "security lapses", a new report claims the Secret Service is not capable of protecting the President and his family. 

- Not true! They stopped that guy who jumped the fence, ran across the lawn, walked in the unlocked front door of the White House and made it all the way to the East Room on the second floor before he hurt ANYBODY! 

*****

Hillary Clinton told reporters that she won't discuss her granddaughter, Charlotte. 

- Same thing she said about Benghazi. 

- Meanwhile Bill can't stop talking about the baby... And has put himself in charge of finding the perfect nanny. 

*****

Pope Francis told followers that "a nation that doesn't take care of its elderly is a nation without a future." 

- Techinically, it's the "elderly" who don't have much of a future. 

*****

A Liberian newspaper is standing by it's claim the U.S. manufactured Ebola. 

- This story would be a lot more credible if we actually manufactured things here in the U.S. 

- Obviously the fact-checkers didn't see the "Made in China" stickers on the bottoms of all the patients. 

*****

Beyonce made big news by switching her hairstyle to include bangs. 

- She's trying for that always popular "Mamie Eisenhower Look". 

*****

A Delaware man was killed while crossing the street to get to a funeral home. 

- I believe that's known as "cutting out the middleman". 

- On the bright side, he was headed to a visitation, so he was already dressed in a really nice suit. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Tigers 4-Peat!!!!!

For the fourth year in a row the Tigers have won the American League Central Division Championship. They open against the AL East champs, Baltimore, on Thursday in Baltimore. Tickets for play-off games at Comerica, are, as of this writing, still available. Go Tigs!

More good news for Detroit Pro Sports... as the Lions beat the NY Jets 24-17 bringing the Lions early season record to 3-1. 

On the College front...

Congrats to the MSU Spartans who steam-rolled the Wyoming Cowboys 56-14. 

Not so great news for Michigan as the Wolverines lost their second straight home game at the Big House... this time to Minnesota, 30 to 14. It's only the 4th time in 47 years that the Golden Gophers have taken down the Wolverines. 

Much unhappiness and controversy over Brady Hoke's coaching and his handling of QB Shane Morris in Saturday's game. An obviously wobbly Morris was allowed to stay in the game...and even return after sitting out several plays... despite displaying concussion-like symptoms. Story developing... 

*****

Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a bouncing baby girl on Saturday. Her name? Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky. 

- Bill was so excited that Hillary even let him hand out Cigars. 

- No word on whether this will effect Hillary's decision to run in 2016, but Democratic strategists are already hinting that Charlotte will make a run for the White House...in 2052. 

*****

The FBI says that only 12 Americans are currently fighting for ISIS and not the 100 who were originally reported. 

- That according to the ISIS on-line dating service.  

*****

North Korean officials announced that Kim Jong Un, who hasn't been seen publicly in three weeks, is "suffering from discomfort". A European tabloid claims it's due to his addiction to cheese. 

- Can you blame him? Who doesn't love a good Schnauzer Kebob with a Cheddar dipping sauce? 

- Or it could be as simple as too many Hot DOGS.  

- His doctors feared it could be something more serious, so Kim had them executed. 

*****

72 year old Barbra Streisand's new album, "Partners", debuted at #1 on Billboard, making her the only artist in history to have a #1 album in six different decades. 

- Barbra had no idea until her chauffeur-slash-husband James Brolin said he heard it on TV. 

- Songs include: "People...Who The Hell Are All These People???" and "Somewhere...I Know I Left My Keys Somewhere". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #137: "A Wink...And Who Gave Jeter The Nod"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #137! Today the always entertaining former "Purtan's Person" Joe Noune joins Jackie and me at the Purtan dining room table to tackle some of today's most pressing issues including:  

- Is it better to be a Facebook friend or a "Real" friend???

- Larry King and his infomercial for "The New Zealand Green Lipped Mussel".

- The incredible amount of products on store shelves these days compared to the "Old Days". 

- Why Joe and I are confused by the hanging signs at both ends of the grocery aisles. 

- Joe's experience buying feminine hygiene products for his wife...and himself. 

- Wink (The Winker) Martindale and his show "Name that Tune". (Prepare for an impromptu acapella performance) 

- Joe's crazy theory on how Beethoven may have "faked" being deaf to increase sales of his music. 

And...

- The late, great Howard Cosell (via Joe) talks about Michigan native Derek Jeter's retirement from the Yankees... and what former Detroit Tiger Ace scouted and recommended Jeter. 

So for an in-depth analysis of stuff that doesn't really matter, turn off the cable news and tune into Podcast #137!   (42:16)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog... 

-Dick 

Tigers And Red Wings Both Big Winners Today!

This afternoon, the Illitch family is holding a huge Ground-Breaking Ceremony for the new Red Wings Arena and the new Entertainment District along Woodward just north of Downtown. It will be followed by a Block Party from 6 to 9 pm, with family friendly events including live bands, food trucks, and a temporary ice rink. To add to the festive mood, the Tigers have clinched a play-off spot. They have a 2-game lead over K.C. with 4 games left to play. The magic number is 3!!! 

*****

In less happy news... After 100 years in Detroit, Cadillac is moving it's global headquarters to New York City. 

- Why??? If they can make luxury cars there...they can make them anywhere! (Including here!) 

*****

Bill Clinton may have accidentally leaked the sex of his soon-to-be-born grandchild on Good Morning America. He referred to the baby as his "Grandson" before quickly adding "or Grand daughter".

- Bill's hoping it's a boy so he can take him fishing, teach him baseball, and meet all those co-eds when the kid heads off to college.

- Boy or girl, this will be Bill's first grandchild... that we know of.

*****

American soft drink makers announced plans to reduce sugars by 20% without comprising taste.

- The plan includes attaching a packet of pink, blue or yellow artificial sweetener to each can...either that, or they'll just lie about the amount of sugar on the label.  

*****

A story about a Florida woman getting a third breast in hopes of landing a reality show turned out to be a hoax. 

- We already have a reality show with 3 Boobs...it's called "Keeping Up With The Kardashians". 

- I thought "The Three Stooges" nailed the 3 Boob thing years ago. 

*****

Ringo Starr told reporters that there's no way there will be a Beatles reunion anytime soon. 

- Apparently nobody bothered to tell Ringo that John and George are no longer with us. 

- In addition, he added that he has no plans to appear on "The Ed Sullivan Show" this fall. 

*****

A British chef introduced a burger that tastes like human flesh. 

- I think we already have a product like this...it's called "Manwich". 

- He claims he uses only the finest ingredients including "Ground Chuck". 

- He plans on expanding the menu to include "Frank and Beans".

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast! 

-Dick

We Don't Care Either...But At Least It Doesn't Involve Terrorists...

It's Official...Kris Jenner has filed for divorce from Bruce Jenner. 

- She's says he's "not the man she married"...at this point, she's not even sure if he's a man. 

- Insiders say the couple has a "Toxic Relationship"...wait...Don't they mean a "Bo-Toxic Relationship"?

*****

The National Counterterrorism Center confirmed that home-grown militants have sneaked back into America. 

- They were going to used doctored passports and disguises, but decided to just walk in from Mexico instead. 

- Luckily, the front door to the White House is now locked. 

*****

Whoopi Goldberg was named the Grand Marshall of New York's upcoming Halloween Parade. 

- In a related story...due to her recent weight loss, this year Rosie O'Donnell will not be attending the Parade as a Float. 

- You don't really need a Parade in NYC to see a lot of people dressed up in scary outfits. Just walk through Times Square during lunch hour. 

*****

Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg's new San Francisco neighbors claim his construction people are hogging all of the parking spaces on their block. 

- To make it up to them, he gave everyone a free life on "Candy Crush Saga". 

- Wow...usually you have to actually meet your new neighbors before they "Unfriend" you. 

*****

Bill Clinton says he's expecting to become a grandfather any day now. 

- In unrelated news...Chelsea's about to have her baby! 

*****

Charlie Sheen is in talks to return to "Two And A Half Men" for it's final season. 

- You know what that means...Extra tips for the Hookers. 

*****

President Obama has taken a lot of heat for saluting two Marines with a cup of coffee in his right hand while getting off the Presidential helicopter. 

- Ever since, he's been getting another kind of salute from people all over the country. 

- If you think he's in trouble now, imagine what Michelle would have done to him if it had been a Big Gulp full of Regular Coke. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Help! It's Fall... And I Can't Get Up For It!

Autumn arrived at 10:29 last night making today the first official day of Fall. 

- As opposed to September 1st through the 22nd which were "Unofficial Fall". 

- I refuse to let go of Summer yet...I'm just switching to my thermal sandals and fur-lined shorts. 

*****

Yesterday the Obama administration announced that in response to a former US Soldier jumping the fence and making his way into the White House with a knife last week, they will now keep the front door locked. 

- They'll also put an "ADT" sign on the front lawn and install one of those fake "Barking Dog" motion sensors. 

- Don't tell anyone...but they're going to leave a key under the doormat in case the President leaves his in his Golf Bag. 

- Good to see they've finally got this whole "National Security" thing nailed down.  

*****

A study by the University of Sydney found that, like humans, there are optimistic and pessimistic dogs. 

- But all dogs are "Piss-i-mistic" when it comes to your living room carpet. 

*****

Starbucks is testing a beer-flavored coffee which is meant to taste like a Guinness. 

- They're trying to capture the all important "Beer & Scones" market. 

- To counter the move, Budweiser is introducing a beer that tastes like coffee. It's called "French Roast Light". 

*****

Santa Monica, California announced plans to host the world's first "Vegan Octoberfest". 

- There isn't enough beer in the world to wash down a Bratwurst made out of Chick Peas. 

*****

University of Michigan football coach Brady Hoke says he's not worried about getting fired despite the team's poor start. 

- It's that kind of positive thinking that has landed the Wolverines where they are today. 

- Why do I feel an "I'm retiring to spend more time with my family" speech coming on? 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

CHARLIE'S 13TH BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Jackie's son Charlie is the big 1-3 today! He's a TEENAGER. Last Friday, she dropped him off at the front door of the school... This morning he wanted Jackie to drop him off two blocks away, in a rental car, so his buddies wouldn't see her. And so the fun begins! 

Happy Birthday Charlie!!!!!

*****

The Secret Service says the knife-carrying man who jumped a fence and walked in the front door of the White House was not a serious threat. 

- If you really want to get to the President don't go to the White House...go to a golf course. 

- No wonder we can secure the southern border...The Obamas don't even lock the front door of their house! 

- Dontcha hate it when people just drop by your house without calling first? Especially when they're carrying a knife.

*****

A study by the National Sleep Foundation found that 45% of children are allowed to use electronic gaming devices in their bedrooms. 

- The study also found that 85% of their parents have "gaming devices" in their bedrooms...but instead of electricity, the run on batteries. 

*****

Sad news from the world of Reality TV... "Mama June" and "Sugar Bear", the stars of Honey Boo Boo, have broken up. They split after she discovered he had put up a dating profile on "PlentyoFish.com". 

- They'll divide their property equally: She'll get all the broken appliances in the back yard and he'll get the chevy pick-up on blocks in the front.  

- Sources say Sugar Bear is leaving to be with "an unnamed woman"...If I was that woman, I'd want to be "unnamed" too. 

*****

In a newly released video, a spokesman for ISIS called Sec. of State John Kerry, "The old uncircumcised geezer". 

- In a display of true Statesmanship, Kerry replied "Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire!"

*****

A Booze Cruise ran aground at the Statue of Liberty, forcing all 121 passengers to be evacuated. 

- Thus the quote on Lady Liberty: "Give me your tired, your over-served, your huddled masses yearning to pee".

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Kilts To The Hilt

Scots On The Rocks With The UK???

Scotland is voting today on whether or not to secede from the U.K. which they joined back in 1707. 

- The Scots won't use paper ballots...they'll just vote "up or down" by raising their kilts. 

- Brings back memories of all those Hanging Chads...

*****

ISIS terrorists released a trailer for a propaganda movie called "Flames of War". 

- There are now more ISIS videos on the internet than "Ice Bucket Challenges" and "Cute Cat Clips" combined. 

- If the trailer works as they hope, the movie will Bomb. 

*****

The MacArthur Foundation revealed its annual list of "Genius Grants". Winners will receive $500,000 a piece. 

- Congratulations to Kim Kardashian for NOT making the list for the 10th year in a row! 

- Ironically, not one guy from the Genius Bar at the Apple Store made the cut either. 

*****

A new report says the child vaccination rate in Beverly Hills is lower than it is in the Sudan or in Chad. 

- Put another way, "Chicken Pox is the New Black!"

- But Beverly Hills has way more kids named "Sudan" and "Chad". 

*****

Health authorities say areas of Syria that are controlled by ISIS have much higher rates of STD's. 

- Apparently the jihadists are excited by the 72 Virgins waiting for them in Heaven...but are even MORE EXCITED by the Hookers here on earth. 

*****

Apple added a "delete U2 button" so iTunes users can remove the free album that was automatically sent to their libraries. 

- I spent the whole morning looking for the button, But I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast! (#137)

-Dick 

Miss America: "I Can Like Totally Like End Wars!"

The new Miss America says she has an incredible diplomatic opportunity to broker peace between Russia and Ukraine. 

- It should work out great if Vladimir Putin likes "puffy clouds and long walks on the beach" as much as she does!

- And suddenly Dennis Rodman looks like Henry Kissenger. 

*****

Federal Investigators say over 100 young American women have joined up with terrorists in the Middle East. 

- Apparently they were tired of living under their Dads' rules and wanted more freedom... Good luck with that ladies! 

- This is actually good news... They're really gonna slow down the terrorist missions by constantly stopping and asking for directions. 

- Most college age girls like to get bombed on Saturday night, not actually do the bombing. 

*****

A new poll says that 63% of Americans have no idea who's in control of the House. 

- Of the remaining 37%, half think it's "Mom" and the other half thinks it's "Dad". 

*****

Music insiders say the first Live Whitney Houston album will be released on November 10th. 

- Can you say "Bobby Brown needs bail money again"? 

*****

London offered Scotland "new powers" if they vote "No" on seceding from the U.K. tomorrow.

- If that doesn't work, they're sending in Prince Harry and his friends in their Nazi Uniforms. 

*****

A transgender Colorado girl named Scarlett, who used to be known as Andy, was crowned Homecoming Queen by her class. 

- She says she's just like any other girl who used to be a guy and "puts her pantyhose on one leg at a time". 

*****

In the wake of all the recent scandals, the NFL hired four top level domestic violence experts. 

- They start each session with the players by saying "Are You Ready For Some COUNCELING???"

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Mohammed & Jill, Went Up The Hill...

The FBI says ISIS terrorists have written a recruiting poem that promises 72 virgins for them in Heaven. 

- It's designed to appeal to the ruthless, murdering jihadists more sensitive, romantic sides. 

- The poem would really go over well with potential female terrorists...but they're not allowed to read. 

- One of the verses says: "Blowing Yourself Up Has Lots Of Perkas! Like 72 Chicks...Without Their Burkas!" 

*****

The Clinton's made an appearance at the Iowa Steak Fry. 

- Hillary spoke on stage for 23 minutes, while Bill lassoed 23 cowgirls behind the corn dog stand. 

*****

Pope Francis married 40 couples who were already living together during a ceremony at the Vatican, despite the Church's strong stance against "living in sin". 

- When you think about it, letting them get married is a great way to stop them from having sex. 

*****

Hurricane Odile struck land in Mexico injuring 84 people. 

- Put another way, Hurricane Odile injured everyone still living in Mexico. 

- Odile? Apparently Kim Kardashian and Gwyneth Paltrow are co-chairs of the "Hurricane Naming Committee". 

*****

Rosie O'Donnell told Vanity Fair that she's returning to "The View" because she's much happier and healthier now that she's lost 53 pounds by having her stomach stapled. 

- Well Whoopi for her! 

- Next the producers are going to work on stapling her mouth. 

*****

A study by USA Today found that 58% of NFL players have suffered concussions. 

- Tomorrow they'll reveal how many concussions their wives have suffered. 

*****

ESPN says we need to re-program the violent way in which we raise men. 

- So look for the "ESPN Fantasy Pilates Play-Off's" coming soon to a TV near you. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

In Sickness & In Health? That Depends!

24-year-old Playboy model Cathy Schmitz married 81-year-old Australian Billionaire Richard Lugner over the weekend. 

- She said it was “Love at first sight!”…of his bank balance. 

- Despite their wealth, they celebrated at Denny’s because he gets the Senior Discount and she can still order off the kids menu. 

- Friends of the couple say it won’t be long before the lovebirds will be changing Diapers… 

- They actually have a lot in common…her biological clock is ticking, and as of this writing, so is his heart. 

*****

Sarah Palin says she owes America an apology for losing the 2008 election to Barack Obama. 

- According to most polls, Barack Obama owes America an apology for Winning the 2008 election. 

*****

Scientists have discovered a plant-eating dinosaur that weighs more than a T-Rex. 

- They’re calling it a “Vege-Sauraus”. 

- They discovered the bones near a the ruins of a “Whole Foods” store. 

*****

British Prime Minister David Cameron says he’ll be devastated if Scotland and England break up. 

- Insiders say he feels the same way about Beyonce and Jay Z. 

*****

A report by USA Today says 38 NFL players have been arrested this so far this year. Last year a total of 57 were arrested. 

- So if you want to kill two birds with one stone, forget watching “Cops” and just tune in to Monday Night Football. 

*****

Ray Rice and his wife received a huge ovation from the crowd when he returned to his high school football field on Saturday. 

- It makes sense if you consider that in his senior year he was voted “Most Likely To Beat The Bejabbers Out Of Your Future Wife In An Elevator”. 

- So they’ll boo a ref for making a bad call, but they applaud Ray Rice…It’s good to see they’ve got their priorities in order. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #136: "2000 People And One Bathtub!"

Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #136. Our special guest Dale Johnson of the Salvation Army joins us as we "rehearse" a 2-minute presentation that we're giving on "Harrison the Bed & Bread Truck" before an audience of 2000 people. What makes it interesting is not only the content, but the fact that we "practice" it exactly as it's written...typos and all. Dale, who wrote the script, blames the errors on his 5 year old cousin who he claims typed it. But wait! There's more...

- I explain why I had to hand-sign all 4,025 copies of the poster pictured above for the Salvation Army Junior Bed & Bread Club. 

- We talk of the Ray Rice controversy currently dominating the NFL and the tragedy of Alex Karras. 

- For a little "Musical Interlude"...Jackie explains the bathtub routine she used to do with her son Charlie when he was a toddler - that made sure all of his "important parts" got squeaky clean. 

- I explain why of my six daughters, the revelation that daughter #5, Jessica, was a girl stands out most vividly in my mind.

From the Stage to Bathtub to a Basinette...it's all here in Podcast #136!  (26:44)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick  

Remembering The Unforgettable...

Today marks the 13th Anniversary of the horrific terrorist attacks on 9/11/2001...the date, to borrow the words spoken by Franklin Delano Roosevelt on another tragic day in American history, "which will live in infamy".  

The events of 9/11...and the weeks and months that followed...are as unfathomable today as they were then. As they say, "I just can't wrap my brain around it". 

The Twin Towers. 

The Pentagon. 

The charred wreckage in a field in Shanksville. 

The evil of it all...the senseless deaths. And there were so very many.

But we must also remember how we rallied, as Americans always do. From the bravery of the First Responders to average citizens who put aside fears for their personal safety to help those in need.

And Americans across the country, even those who lived far from the decimated towers, the Pentagon as it burned, the scarred patch of land in Pennsylvania...did whatever they could.

Blood was donated. Flags were flown. Prayers were sent. We hugged our children, our families, our friends just a little tighter. 

And eventually we picked up the pieces and went back to living our lives. But they were not the lives we had lived on September 10th, 2001, the day before the attacks. 

We were changed, forever. We simply couldn't "un-see" the events of that day.

As was said by someone a lot smarter than me many years ago, "Those who do not study the past are doomed to repeat it". 

Unfortunately, today, we stand once again at a perilous moment in history. There are enemies who would destroy us - and make their intentions clearly known. We as a people - and those in our government - must look back, study, and learn from the past. We must be vigilant. We must be aware. We must do everything in our power to ensure that there is never another date like "9/11" seared into our collective hearts and minds. 

God Bless America!

-Dick

The New "Apple Watch"...Time Will Tell

Apple unveiled it's highly anticipated "Apple Watch" yesterday which can monitor how much exercise you're getting. It also lets you text and send emails from your wrist. 

- So now you'll need two hands to text while driving. Good move Apple! 

- How long before we hear about the first case of iCarpelTunnelSyndrome? 

*****

The iPhone 6 was also introduced. It comes in two sizes, both with a much larger screen and an improved camera that takes better pics & video and has slo-motion and time-lapse features.

- Bottom line: The next naked pics we see of Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton are gonna be waaaaaaay better than the last ones!  

*****

The Tigers are tied for 1st Place with Kansas City after taking down the Royals last night 4-2. With a win tonight, weather permitting, the Tigers will be alone atop the division with 17 games left to go!

Game time: 7:08pm.  GO TIGS! 

*****

Meteorologists say big storms are likely to bring heavy rains, damaging winds and possibly extensive power outages all across the Metro Detroit area this afternoon and evening. 

- The only people who don't know about the impending weather are the ones who still don't have electricity from last week's storms. 

*****

Tonight President Obama will deliverer a Prime Time speech detailing his plan to "degrade and destroy" ISIS.  

- "Degrade & Destroy" is just like "Shock & Awe"...except for the "Shock" part since we're telling them ahead of time. 

*****

Panera Bread announced that all of their stores will become gun-free zones - but that instead of having employees enforce the policy, they'll count on customer cooperation. 

- So much for their "Soup, Sandwich & 32 Caliber Lunch Combo". 

*****

Have a great day...and Happy, Happy Birthday to my beautiful daughter Julie (#6) - wife of Brad and mother of my 2-and-a-half year old grandson Brayden! See you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

"The Lions King" Of Monday Night Football!

Matthew Stafford and the Lions trounced the New York Giants 35-14 in front of a National Audience last night in their first game under new coach Jim Caldwell. As they say in Showbiz... "This Could Be The Start Of Something Big!" - or not. Let's hope!

And to make it a perfect night downtown, the Tigers beat the K.C. Royals 9-5. If the Tigs win today, they'll be just one game behind Kansas City for 1st place. 

Go Lions! Go Tigers! Go Detroit! 

*****

Channel 7 Meteorologist Dave Rexroth was back on the air yesterday after the 4th of July fireworks accident that took his left eye. Congratulations Dave! It's great to have you back! Now if you could just do something about these storms...

*****

Apple will unveil it's "next big things" later today.  The show-stopper will allegedly be the new iPhone 6 with a much larger screen. Soon to follow will be a software update that will allow you to start your coffee maker from your phone. 

- It's called the iCaf... or in my case, the iDecaf.

- To think Juan Valdez spends all that time on a donkey harvesting the beans, and Americans are too lazy to get off the couch and push a button. 

*****

The Olive Garden announced their new "7-Week Unlimited Pasta Pass" for $100. People who buy the pass online can eat all the pasta and breadsticks they want, as many times as they'd like. 

- The company will be changing their slogan from "When You're Here...You're Family" to "When You're Here...You're Fat". 

*****

Iranian officials say the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei recently had a routine prostate procedure. 

- The bad news is Doctors say they expect a full recovery. 

*****

Fran Drescher, of "The Nanny" fame revealed that she married Shiva Ayyaduari, the inventor e-mail. 

- Lois Lerner was invited to the nuptials but said she lost the email invite. 

- Shiva actually invented the email as a way to communicate with Fran without having to hear her speak. 

*****

According to a study by the National Center for Education Statistics, the number of homeschooled students has spiked by 25%. 

- It's not that the kids like being taught by their parents, they just want to be able to eat Hot Dogs and Doritos for lunch. 

- On the downside, it's a lot harder to make your Mom believe the dog ate your homework if you don't have a dog. 

- On the bright side, homeschooled girls are a shoe-in for Homecoming Queen. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Big 10 Falls...Tigers Hopefully Rise!

A bad weekend for Michigan and Michigan State in College Football...as well as the entire Big 10 Conference. 

The Tigers begin a 3-game series against the K.C. Royals downtown tonight, trailing the 1st place Royals by 2 games. 

*****

Joan Rivers received a star-studded, red carpet funeral on Sunday...including a eulogy by Howard Stern and musical performances by broadway stars Audra MacDonald and Hugh Jackman. 

- Those who attended the viewing said, "She looks so Un-lifelike...just like in real life." (Sorry...but she did have a lot of plastic surgery). 

- Out of respect, no one critiqued the outfit she was buried in. 

*****

President Obama will make a speech on Wednesday to reveal America's plans for attacking ISIS. 

- He was going to announce his plans tonight, but he hasn't come up with anything yet. 

- Holding off until Wednesday will give ISIS plenty of time to put on their "JV Jihad" Jerseys and set their DVR's so they can watch our game plan over and over. 

*****

An IRS spokesman said the agency has lost emails from five more workers who are under investigation. 

- How come the IRS can find paperwork that they say shows you owe an extra grand in taxes, but they find can't find a few of their own emails? 

- All we have to do is tell Kate Upton's photo hackers that the emails contain nude pix of Lois Lerner and we'll have them in no time. 

*****

After weeks of speculation it's official: Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their second royal bundle of joy. The new baby will be fourth in line to the throne, bumping Prince Harry down to #5. 

- Just like the last time, Kate is suffering from severe morning sickness and Harry is suffering from a severe hangover. 

*****

On Saturday, the city of Toronto held a "Bill Murray Day" complete with wacky outfits and a pub crawl. 

- By the end of the pub crawl, 95% of the participants mimicked Bill's line from Caddyshack and "had achieved total Un-consiousness...So they've got that going for 'em. Which is nice." 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick  

Purtan Podcast #135: "A Towel, A Bar Of Soap, & A Sheep"

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Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #135! Back by popular demand - for the second week in a row - former "Purtan's Person" Tom DeLisle joins us at the Purtan dining room table for some More-Than-A-Brush-With-Celebrity stories including:

- Tom "comes clean" about the time he stole JFK's monogramed bath towel while staying in the bedroom next to Rose Kennedy at the family's Hyannisport Compound. 

- My unexpected dinner with Henry Fonda.

- The brilliance of Gene Wilder and the hysterical scene in a Woody Allen film involving Gene, a bed, a sheep and a bottle of Woolite. 

- How in real life, the great Mr. Wilder used to go out into a field, lay down and do absolutely nothing for hours at a time. 

- And what was my Doctor thinking when he told me to put a bar of Ivory soap in my bed every night for two months?

So don't be "Sheepish"...join us for Podcast #135!  (33:56)

Have a great weekend and I'll see back here Monday with my regular blog!  

-Dick

Kwame Just Gets More & More Appealing!

He's back! Yesterday Kwame Kilpatrick asked a federal appeals court to vacate his conviction and order a new trial...saying some of the testimony that landed him in the Slammer for 28 years was "unfair". 

- You know...the testimony that got him convicted. 

- Kwame's attorney said the former mayor is excited about the appeal...and his upcoming role in the Prison's Fall Musical:  "Guys & Guys-Dressed-Up-As-Dolls". 

*****

Home Depot says the financial data of their customers may have been hacked and put up for sale online. 

- This is the most notorious Do-It-Yourselfer story since Pee Wee Herman was arrested in a movie theater. 

*****

DWTS announced it's "Celeb" line-up for Season 19 this morning and it includes none other than Tommy Chong of "Cheech and Chong" fame. 

- Apparently they were looking for someone who would bring in really "high" ratings. 

- Producers are trying to capture that all important "Potheads who love ballroom dancing" audience. 

*****

The Russian Space Agency reported that the five geckos they sent into orbit for a sex experiment have all died. 

- Studying Weightless Gecko Sex? I guess we know how Vladimir Putin likes to unwind after a day of attempted world domination.

*****

A Russian man dressed as Mickey Mouse was caught on camera beating up a motorist in a road rage attack. 

- He must have been really cheesed off. 

- Luckily he wasn't wearing a Donald Duck suit or he would have been arrested for indecent exposure. 

*****

Justin Verlander was rocked by the Cleveland Indians last night giving up 7 runs. 

- Gee...ya think his mind was on something else? 

- On the bright side, he still got to go home with Kate Upton. 

******

CVS pulled tobacco from all 7,700 of its stores in an effort to promote healthier choices for their customers. 

- To ease shoppers into the health conscious move, they're now selling two kinds of Fritos: Regular and Menthol. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast - #135!

-Dick 

Forget The Fridge...Put Your Kids Artwork On Your Wedding Dress!

Angelina Jolie's wedding dress from her surprise wedding to Brad Pitt was a tad unusual. The mother of six had artwork made by her kids sewn onto the train and veil of her $20,000-plus designer gown. 

- What screams "Bride" more than a magic marker rendition of Mickey Mouse's ears covering your butt? 

*****

Kate Upton, who's semi-naked selfies with boyfriend Justin Verlander were leaked on the Internet, is considering suing Apple - since many believe their "iCloud" storage system was the source of the hacking.

- Have we come a long way from getting drunk and Xeroxing your butt at the office holiday party or what? 

*****

A study by the National Consumers League found that cell phone companies have begun marketing to children as young as five. 

- Soon kindergarteners everywhere will be watching "SpongeBob SquarePants" on TV...and looking at pix of "SpongeBob NoPants" on their smartphones. 

*****

Officials in Colorado say the legalization of marijuana sales brought in $21 Million tax dollars LESS than the $33 Million they'd predicted. 

- Of course the numbers could be off since the guys who counted the cash were high as a kite at the time. 

- Apparently people are buying tax-free pot on the streets...just like they did before it was legalized. 

- Accountants know exactly which dollars came from pot sales...it's the bills covered with orange Cheeto's dust. 

*****

A Spanish teenager was electrocuted after peeing on a lamppost at an outdoor music festival. 

- Kinda makes ya miss the good old days at Pine Knob when the worst that could happen was when somebody sitting next to you on The Hill threw up on your shoes.

- On the bright side, if it had been a Rap concert, he would have been electrocuted AND shot. 

*****

A Louisiana newscaster was shot dead by his son-in-law, who was also believed to be his lover.

- The shooting is sad...but you've gotta admit it's gonna make Thanksgiving dinner a lot less awkward. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick