Baseball, Hot Dogs, Apple Pie & Selfies!

Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander and his girlfriend Kate Upton have been caught up, along with Jennifer Lawrence, in the "Nude Celebrity Photo Hacking Scandal" that has rocked the country.  Several "selfies" of the couple, in various states of undress have made their way onto the internet.

- After seeing the photos, every pitcher in the Major Leagues wants to be Justin's reliever. 

*****

It's "Back to School Day" 2014!

- Or as kids call it: "The worst day of my life". 

- Or as their parents call it: "The best day of my life". 

- Or as teachers call it: "Why didn't I become a Doctor instead of a Teacher? Day" 

*****

Joe Biden kicked off the Detroit Labor Day Parade yesterday. 

- Who better to speak about hard work than somebody whose job description reads: "Put on a suit and do nothing". 

*****

On this day, September 2nd, in 1945, Japan formally surrendered to the U.S. and ended World War II. 

- And we all live happily ever after. No wait...

- If you've ever been served bad sushi, you know they're not completely over it. 

*****

A new study claims that being skinny improves brain function. 

- Which explains why so many supermodels have received Nobel Peace Prizes over the years. 

*****

A new al Qaeda manual is calling for a preemptive jihad against the United States.

- Luckily, like most guys, terrorists never read the manual.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! And don't forget to check out my latest Podcast (#134) with special guest, former "Purtan's Person" Tom Delisle! Just click here to download.  

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #134: "Tom (Delisle) & Thumbs"

Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to Labor Day Weekend, the last gasp of summer vacation, and Podcast #134. Today, Jackie and I welcome special guest and former "Purtan's Person" Tom Delisle to the dining room table. Topics include: 

- Who was the largest selling musical act in the world that filled the gap after Elvis and before the Beatles? 

- Tom's job as emcee of that group's "Fan Fantasy Camp" every year. 

- How Tom wrote the pilot for the short-lived "Tony Orlando Variety Show" - but couldn't stand talking to Tony and why. 

- The Emmy I won...and what I won if for.

- How one year later, the "Dick Purtan Comedy Hour" won an Emmy and how the committee came up one Statuette short because of something I did.  

- My dread as we began shooting my TV Special because I thought it would be the end of my career in Television...and Radio!

- How a fistfight led me to take over the morning show a few weeks earlier than I was supposed to. 

- Jackie's new plan to ditch her reading glasses by wearing one contact lens.  

- And the "Purtan Family Secret" about a certain body part that explains why Jackie has been in "thumb therapy" for years... and which of my other daughters has two completely different thumbs - one from each side of the family. 

So have a great Holiday Weekend and give Podcast #134 a listen...Hopefully you'll give it "Two Thumbs Up"!   (45:33) 

-Dick

PS...See you back here Tuesday!

"Mr. & Mrs. Smith" Now Officially "Mr. & Mrs."

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie finally tied the knot at their French Chateau on Saturday. They've been together since 2005.

- They've already received tons of wedding gifts including China, Silverware, and 147 children. 

*****

In other Nuptial News...68-year-old Neil Young is divorcing his wife of 36 years. 

- Apparently he's not so into Judy's Blue Eyes now that they've got cataracts. 

- There's also rumors of a reunion tour of "Crosby, Stills, Nash & Not-So-Young". 

*****

Time Magazine is publishing a new book called "The Animal Mind" that claims parrots are much smarter than we thought. 

- Of course they got the info from a Parrot, so take it for what's it worth. 

- Turns out Polly not only wants a cracker, but wants some duck liver pate and a nice Merlot to go along with it. 

*****

According to a Pew Research Survey one-third of Mexicans would move to the U.S. if given the chance. 

- Personally I thought they already had. 

*****

A study by UCLA found that smartphones are eroding students' social skills. 

- For instance, kids these days don't know how to ask a girl nicely if they can take naked photos of her to show their friends, they just take them while she's not looking. 

*****

An 83-year-old federal judge had to watch the porn classic, Deep Throat, for a copyright trial. 

- He said, "Hard core pornography is hard to define...but I'll know it when I see it. And I got to see it!!!"

- When the judge's wife objected to him watching the film, he said two words: "Over Ruled!"

*****

Sources say that Bravo host Andy Cohen was spotted at a "gentleman's underwear party" in New York. That's a party strictly for guys who show up wearing nothing but...yup...their underwear. 

- Apparently, Andy is quite the Thong & Dance man. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast!  (#134)

-Dick

50 Years Ago Today..."A Great Day's Night!"

50 years ago today, I, along with four of my fellow WSAI jocks, brought the Beatles to Cincinnati. We each kicked in $2500 -- and we had the Beatles! That's all it took. If you're wondering who the guy is standing behind John Lennon...that's a somewhat pudgy me sans glasses and mustache. Our profit that night? $2200 a piece. The music was great...especially the 13,500 plus screaming teenage "back up singers"!

*****

A just divorced Florida couple posted a "Divorce Selfie" of themselves on Facebook, holding up their divorce decree and beaming with happiness. They claim they want the world to know they plan on remaining good friends. 

- This explains the existence of the "It's Complicated" relationship status button that people can click on Facebook. 

- They're registered at "We No Longer Share A Bed, Bath & Beyond". 

*****

A Pew poll found that friends who talk about politics on Facebook are less likely to talk about them in person. 

- That's because they've never actually MET any of their Facebook friends in person. 

*****

Doctors say that most people find marijuana to be a better pain killer than pills like Vicodin and Oxycontin. 

- It's especially effective on Joint pain. 

- So kids, don't be stingy! Share your stash with Grandma! 

*****

Police have confirmed that the six gun shots that wounded rapper Suge Knight at a pre-MTV Music Awards party were actually meant for Chris Brown. 

- Chris is going to turn the incident into a "Hit" song. 

- Who knew the gangster thugs who did the shooting would actually live long enough to have vision problems? 

*****

A study by Georgia Southern University found that most parents who have obese children don't think their kids are overweight. 

- In their defense, it's hard to get a good look at your kid when he's sitting in the backseat eating a Double Cheeseburger and a Butterfinger Blizzard from Dairy Queen. 

- The study has led to a remake of the classic song, "She Ain't Heavy...She's My Daughter". 

*****

Leonardo DiCaprio donated $100,000 when he took the "Ice Bucket Challenge" for ALS.  

- Let's hope it works out better than the "IceBerg Challenge" did for the Titanic. 

*****

An 8-foot 4-inch man from Ukraine, believed to be the World's Tallest Man, has died at the age of 44. 

- Funeral arrangements are on hold as his family is still waiting for the "Costco Casket-Extender" to be delivered. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Obamacare Now Pays For "Change You Can Believe In"...

Obamacare announced they now cover transgender sexual reassignment surgery for men who want to become women and vice versa.  

- But President Obama was quick to point out "If you like the Penis you were born with...you can keep the Penis you were born with". 

- Let me get this straight...Boob jobs are now covered for men, but not for women?

*****

Last night's Emmy Awards went off without a hitch...or a gunshot...which is saying a lot for an Awards show these days!

- The big winner was "Breaking Bad," which of course chronicles the career of Justin Bieber. 

*****

Burger King has confirmed that's it's buying Canadian based donut and coffee giant Tim Horton's. 

- Their new slogan will be "Special Orders Don't Upset Us...All We Ask Is That You Let Us Serve It Your Way, Eh?"

- McDonald's had considered buying Tim Horton's as well, but thought selling "McNuggets" and "Timbits" at the same place sounded too racy. 

*****

Scientists at Binghamton University say the average IQ score is decreasing because we've hit our intellectual peak. 

- The say the decline coincided with the airing of the first episode of "Honey Boo Boo". 

*****

Starbucks will begin testing mobile coffee stores on college campuses this fall. 

- They'll accept Visa, Mastercard and Job Applications from seniors who are still looking for a job they're qualified for. 

- But where are they gonna sit and wait to get hit-on while pretending to study on their laptops? 

*****

Tiger Woods has parted ways with his swing coach of the past four years. 

- Apparently Tiger is going to give up on his swing and go back to working overtime with his putter. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Obama & Putin Give Each Other Lip Service???

Today is "National Kiss & Make-Up Day". 

- Let's hope Vladimir Putin wears a shirt, or things between he and Obama could get out of hand. 

*****

California's wine country was rocked by a massive 6.1 Earthquake early Sunday morning. 

- The wine will now be used in Martini's since it's already been "Shaken...not stirred". 

*****

A Florida mom was arrested for giving her daughter Tapeworms so she'd lose weight for a beauty pageant. 

- Apparently that new Jenny Craig "Tapeworm Tortellini" is more popular than I thought. 

*****

A Homeland Security spokesman says Al Qaeda is encouraging jihadists to target Las Vegas. 

- This will give jihadists a chance to hone their romantic "techniques" on hookers so they'll really know how to make those 72 virgins happy. 

- Our government is hoping that David Copperfield can make them disappear before they do any damage. 

*****

A Swedish study say people have a higher probability of dying on payday. 

- Especially if they're held up at gunpoint after leaving the bank. 

***** 

Lindsay Lohan is said to be dating a London investment banker. 

- Apparently he's a whiz with Stocks & (sometimes) Blonds. 

- The couple is said to be "over the moon"...either that or Lindsay mooned the paparazzi, I'm not sure. 

*****

Lauren Bacall left $10,000 in her Will for her dog. 

- The dog was so happy he dragged his but across the carpet and then ran around in circles for an hour and a half. 

*****

A cast member on Playboy's "Dating Naked" is suing producers because they failed to blur out her private parts during a recent episode. 

- Right now, thousands of men are calling Netflix to order that episode. 

*****

President Obama is sending three White House officials to the Missouri funeral of Michael Brown. 

- They will be non-essential government personnel including a Congressman, a Senator, and Joe Biden. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #133: "Tootsie Rolls, World Wars, & Mr. Potato Head"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #133! This time around, I sit down with my daughter and partner in Podcasting crime, Jackie, for a verbal buffet of topics. Among today's specials: 

- The passing of restauranteur John Genitti of "Genitti's Hole-in-the-Wall" in Northville, who was not only a great guy, but threw a party "for everyone" at his house each Friday night. 

- Jackie running into Chuck Gaidica who just left TV Meteorology for the Ministry and how his career change affected her. 

- Are Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head actually cannibals?

- The 100th anniversary of WWI and how it led to WWII.

- The frightening seriousness of the ISIS situation in the middle east. 

- A "Best Of" cut from my radio show: Big Al as the Port-a-Potty maitre d at the Woodward Dream Cruise. 

- How I scored two foot-long Tootsie Rolls for just one dollar. 

- And how large formal weddings lead to happier marriages... with one notable family exception. 

So as August winds down, gear up  for an almost-end-of-the-summer-around-the-world-and-back-discussion-of-just-about-everything in Podcast #133.  (32:55)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick 

Big Wedding? Big Whoop!

A study by the University of Virginia found that having a large, formal wedding leads to a happier marriage. 

- Try telling that to Jackie Purtan!!!

*****

President Obama vowed to be "relentless" against ISIS jihadists. 

- He then had lunch in the grill and bought a new set of clubs. 

*****

Elizabeth Arden stock plummeted 28% due to a drop in sales for Justin Bieber's cologne. 

- So Elizabeth dropped the Bieber fragrance and will soon launch the "Scent of Charlie Sheen". (It's preferred by 2 out of 2 Hookers). 

*****

McDonald's announced plans to sell it's ground coffee for customers to brew at home. 

- So now you'll be able to stay at home and ask yourself if you want fries with that. 

*****

A survey shows that residents of Tokyo, Japan get less sleep that any other city in the world.  

- The survey was conducted by calling people during the middle of the night. 

- The results are being disputed by the residents of Ferguson, Missouri. 

*****

The Reverend Al Sharpton has announced a protest march against the New York City Police.

- Wow. When does this guy have time to agitate crowds in all those other cities???  

- Seems like only yesterday he was upsetting things in Missouri...because he was! 

*****

Iceland's Bardarbunda Volcano could disrupt air travel between North America and Europe if it erupts. 

- I thought "Bardarbunga" was Bart Simpson's catchphrase.  (who borrowed it from Howdy Doody). 

*****

Pope Francis announced plans to visit New York City. 

- He can't wait to get a hot dog from a street vendor while driving by in his Pope Mobile. 

- He'd better not set his hat on the ground or people might mistake it for another sky scraper. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast! (#133).

-Dick 

Hung Over The Moon With New Wife!

Former American Idol contestant William Hung got married in June, but kept it a secret until now. 

- He's good at keeping secrets...for instance he's kept his singing talent hidden to this very day. 

- Insert your own "She Bangs" joke here. 

*****

General Motors announced that the new Corvette will have a camera that records every move a driver makes. 

- So now guys can have their whole mid-life crisis on video. 

*****

A restaurant in China is using robots to cook food. 

- If this catches on over there, it could put millions of children out of a job. 

*****

Sweden is celebrating 200 years without being in any Wars. 

- They're also celebrating 200 years of exporting hot blonds and Swedish fish. 

*****

Taylor Swift announced that she'll be releasing a pop-album later this year called "1989". 

- It's either named after the year she was born or the number of boyfriends she's had. 

*****

The NFL is asking artists who perform at the Super Bowl to split their record sale revenue with the league. 

- This seems unfair...personally I think some of the acts should pay US for having to watch their half-time show. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-AFFLECK!

Ben Affleck, who's in town filming the new Batman movie, crashed a kid's Birthday party in Southfield. 

- He didn't mean to crash it, but apparently he forgot to take the Batmobile in when GM recalled it for brake issues. 

*****

Pope Francis said that God will give him "another 2 or 3 good years". 

- That kind of "inside info" can only come from one person...Edward Snowden. 

*****

Burger King is bringing back it's "Chicken French Fries" staring next week. 

- If you don't know what a Chicken French Fry is, just picture a McNugget's really tall and skinny brother. 

- They're designed for people who just don't have the energy to pick up a regular fried chicken sandwich. 

*****

Kid Rock announced that he's going to be a Grandpa. 

- So coming soon...Grand Kid Rock!

*****

Music insiders say Paul McCartney is recording a secret album with Kanye West. 

- I hope they keep it so secret that it's never released. 

- The first single is said to be a remake entitled: "Kim's Long and Widening Butt". 

- Thing's have come full circle for Paul: John Lennon said the Beatles were more popular than Jesus and Kayne thinks he IS Jesus. 

*****

On this date in 1698 Russian czar "Peter the Great" took the throne. 

- Apparently his wife wasn't impressed...she referred to him as "Peter the Average". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

The 20th Annual WDC Cruises Into The History Books...

Well the 20th Annual Woodward Dream Cruise has come and gone...and of them, I participated in 14. We'd do the show on the radio in the morning from a tower on Woodward, then at night I joined my daughter JoAnne on Channel 7 for the television broadcast. 

I'll never forget Emceeing a wedding (if you can emcee a weeding) on one of the telecasts with Doc and Big Al serving as the groomsmen for the happy couple. After the ceremony, a fight broke out backstage among the two families. 

Aside from throwing my shoulder out from too much waving one year, (I now wave like the Queen) and inhaling more carbon monoxide from the old classic cars than I needed, it was always a good time! 

*****

New reports say that Hillary Clinton did NOT "hug it out" with Barack Obama in Martha's Vineyard as was first reported.

- Those same reports confirm that Bill did indeed try to "kiss it out" with half of the catering staff. 

*****

The CEO of the Girl Scouts is under fire for taking an $83,000 bonus despite massive budget cuts. 

- Hey...That's how the cookie crumbles. 

- She's planning on using the cash to take a trip to Samoa. 

*****

Researchers at Virginia Tech University found that various plant species communicate by releasing chemical signals into the air. 

- So do the members of most College fraternities. 

*****

Two competitors in the World Chess Olympiad in Norway died within hours of each other - one during the middle of a match. 

- Instead of ending the match, officials just sent it into "Sudden Death Overtime". 

- Fans in attendance described it as God's way of saying "Check Mate". 

- This is why I stick to BINGO. This kind of stuff never happens during the World Bingo Olympiads. 

*****

Kenya is refusing to let in any vacationers traveling from Ebola-hit nations. 

- And so goes my annual "Labor Day Weekend In Kenya".

- This is going to have a dramatic effect on Kenya's usually booming "Tar-Paper-Huts-Tours" industry. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #132: Are Men Too Dumb To Date Smart Women?

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and a brand new Podcast - #132. Today I'm joined by daughters #1 & #2 (Jennifer and Jackie) for another go-around at the Purtan dining room table. On today's menu: 

- Are men actually "intimidated" when they date "smart" women...and do women have to dumb themselves down for things to go anywhere? 

- My College Alma Mater being named the #1 Party School in America...and my non-drinking days while I was there. 

- Bill Clinton's statement on September 10th, 2001 - saying that he could have killed Osama Bin Laden TEN times...but decided not to. 

- Law & Order: SVU's Mariska Hargitay: Strange name. Fabulous Actress. 

- How the 1.2 Billion usernames, passwords, and email addresses stolen by the Russians led to an unusual "Friend Request" I got on Facebook. 

- And the mystery of the horse that Maid Marion rode in the famous Errol Flynn movie "Robin Hood". 

So pour yourself something cold, put it in the microwave on high since it feels like October out - and take sip of Podcast #132!   (35:58) 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here on Monday with my usual blog! 

-Dick 

Koko Goes Loco After Death Of Favorite Comedian...

Koko, the gorilla famous for her ability to communicate with sign language, told trainers that she is "crying" over Robin Williams death. 

- She then peeled a banana in his honor. 

*****

Hillary called the President to apologize for publicly criticizing his foreign policy.  

- Meanwhile Bill called the President to ask him for one of his intern's phone numbers. 

*****

The founder of "Spanx" ladies undergarments sold her NYC apartment for $30 Million. 

- The apartment is actually a lot bigger than it looks. 

- She wanted to unload it before the real estate bubble burst...just like the women do when they take off their Spanx. 

*****

Former NY Congressman Anthony Weiner is opening a restaurant. 

- I thought in New York City they sold hot dogs out of carts?

- It's a German-themed restaurant called "Weiner's Schnitzel".

*****

A 25 year old California woman filed paperwork so she can marry Charles Manson. 

- I hope she remembers that "When you marry the guy...you marry his Family". 

- They just got engaged so the wedding plans are a bit Helter-Skelter right now.  

*****

A study by the National Academy of Sciences found that surprises play a major role in a person's happiness. 

- Except in people over 90 where surprises play a major role in cardiac arrest. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast (#132)!

-Dick 

RIP...Lauren Bacall 1924-2014

Legendary smokey-voiced actress Lauren Bacall died Monday. She was famously married to Humphrey Bogart after they met on the set of the movie "To Have and Have Not", and later, after Bogart's death to Jason Robards Jr. During her marriage to Bogart she served as "Den Mother" to the original Hollywood Rat Pack which included Bogart, Frank Sinatra, David Niven, Judy Garland & others. 

Another one of her big hits was when she co-starred with Marilyn Monroe and Betty Grable in "How To Marry A Millionaire". In another "Detroit Connection"...Gail and I had dinner with Betty's Daughter Victoria who lives here in Metro Detroit a few months ago.) 

Bacall was 89. 

******

An Indiana University study found that Mississippi is the most corrupt state in the country. 

- Washington D.C. was the hands down winner until researchers realized it wasn't a state. 

*****

Miley Cyrus adopted a baby piglet called "Bubba Sue". 

- When it dies she's going to have it made into the world's first "Twerky Jerky". 

******

Rory McIlroy told ESPN that breaking up with Caroline Wozniak is the main reason he's won three straight PGA tournaments and that being single has left him more time to focus on his game. 

- Yeah, but think about all those fabulous trips to Bed Bath & Beyond he's missing out on!

- It's the exact opposite of Tiger Woods who proved that having a wife and ten girlfriends can really bring your game down. 

*****

NBC is allegedly replacing David Gregory on Meet The Press because of low ratings. 

- He's already been picked up by ABC where he'll appear in next season's "Dancing With The Former News Stars". 

- Fans of Gregory are blaming the move on Jay Leno. 

*****

A 45 year old British woman has a rare condition in which she collapses to the ground whenever she has the big "O". 

- It's really not that bad unless it happens while she's standing in the middle of a busy intersection. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick 

RIP... Robin Williams 1951-2014

He grew up in Bloomfield Hills. He roomed with a family while attending Detroit Country Day School, and is now gone much too early at the age of 63. Robin Williams ended his life by asphyxiation in his home in Marin County, California Monday morning.  

The tragic end of the comic genius came after a long battle with both addiction and depression. 

His connection with Detroit is strong, in that he co-starred with Pam Dawber, who is from Farmington Hills, in the hit show "Mork & Mindy". Pam has been married for decades to Mark Harmon (of "NCIS") - son of famed Michigan football player Tom Harmon. 

Robin's humor was both brilliant and astoundingly quick off-the-cuff - in the style of his hero and mentor Jonathan Winters who died last year at the age of 87. 

Williams worked in almost every medium imaginable...stand-up, television, stage, and the movies earning him an Emmy, a Grammy and an Oscar. 

He will be greatly missed!  Below you'll find a clip of his first appearance on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. It runs just under 2 minutes and is more than worth watching. 

 "You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."

- Robin Williams

Purtan Podcast #131: "3 Purtan's, "Packed" & Ready To Go!"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #131! Today I'm joined by not one but two of my daughters, my Podcasting partner Jackie (daughter #2) and special guest Jennifer (daughter #1). And when it comes to topics, we travel from one to another, all over the map! Here's a sample: 

- The rising sense of panic over the coming winter because of such a cool summer. (After last years devastating winter!)  

- I tell the story of an American woman on a trip to China who went back to her hotel room and found a man from the Chinese government going through the computer in her room. 

- Why the secret service doesn't like to cover Joe Biden. 

- The reason that Jennifer and Jackie had "unusual" births. 

- My experience with "Shingles" (not the roofing kind!)

- A Purtan family story involving a piece of medical equipment and Sheena Easton's song "Morning Train". 

- Some stories about my Dad and his love of singing and dancing. 

- The (in my opinion) great movie "Baby Boom" and the strange way that Comcast rates the movies they show on cable. 

- The one Movie that Jackie will NOT watch and what the "flying monkeys" are really chanting in that film. 

- Plus the time in everyone's life when they "peak"...and which one of the three of us doesn't feel we've hit that point yet. 

So set your GPS for "anywhere and everywhere" and join us for a verbal "road trip" in Podcast #131.  (37:17)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick 

Columbus Sails Ocean Blue: Arrives Late

On this day, August 7, 1498, Christopher Columbus arrived in the Caribbean on his third voyage.  

- He was supposed to arrive on August 1st, but it turns out the Nina, Pinta & Santa Maria were owned by Carnival Cruises and were adrift for a week with broken sails. 

*****

Edward Snowden came out of hiding in Russia and was spotted at a performance at the famed Russian Bolshoi Ballet. 

- He couldn't help himself...it was a production of "Swan Leak". 

*****

Bill and Hillary have rented a vacation home in the Hamptons. The cost? $100,000 for three weeks. 

- They'll pay the bill by having Bill give a 10 second speech to the cleaning staff. 

- Insiders say the place has all the bells and whistles...from "His" & "Her" towels to "His" & "Her" bedrooms. 

*****

The NRA is taking heat for saying that blind people should be allowed to carry guns. 

- Even Stevie Wonder said he didn't see that one coming.  

*****

Kim Karsashian has gone on a Twitter rant complaining about how big her butt has gotten. 

- Apparently Kim has been living in a home full of fun house mirrors all her life. 

- Kanye must have told her the truth when she asked "Do these pants make my butt look big?" 

- Could this be another Kim Kardashian publicity stunt??? Ya think???

*****

A South Carolina woman called 911 after returning home to find that her 15-year-old son had been watching porn on the living room TV. Cops said the boy was in his bedroom when they arrived and they "had no idea what he was doing in there". 

- Really???

*****

A Russian Cyber gang has stolen 1.2 billion user names, passwords and email addresses - many of them from American companies.  

- Great. Now the Russian have the personal info of every American who's received an email from GM saying their car is being recalled. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast!  (#131)

-Dick 

Both Hazel & Oak Park Go To Pot!

The results of yesterday's Primary Election are in...and among the most interesting outcomes, Robert Ficano lost his re-election bid for Wayne County Executive, and both Hazel Park & Oak Park voted to legalize small amounts of marijuana for personal use.  

- So the expression "What do I have to do to get arrested with this joint?" will no longer be spoken there. 

*****

The production of Porn movies in LA has plummeted 90% because laws forcing the "actors" to wear condoms is pushing filming outside the city limits. 

- Porn stars are sort of like cops...they want to "Serve", they just don't want to "Protect". 

- As a humanitarian gesture, Charlie Sheen is building them a studio in San Francisco. 

*****

Bruce Jenner's new hairstyle is causing quite a stir on the internet. He was recently photographed with shoulder length locks with a reddish tint.  

- Bruce says the new style will allow him to go with a sleek up-do at Kim's next wedding. 

- Insiders say his ultimate dream is to become "Mrs. Chaz Bono". 

*****

NBC may face stiff fines from the FCC after airing Miley Cyrus's "Bangerz" concert. Viewers complained about the stripper-like costumes and Miley pressing up against a guy dressed like Abraham Lincoln.  

- Asked to comment, Bill Clinton said "The President did not have sex with that woman...Miss Cyrus". 

*****

A study from Current Biology found that horses talk with their ears. 

- Baloney. Everyone who's ever seen "Mr. Ed" knows that horses talk out of their Mouths just like the rest of us.

*****

An Oxford University study found that children who play computer games for an hour a day are more likely to be better behaved...

- ...That's during the hour their playing. Then, when their parents take the controller away, they turn into a combination of Mike Tyson and Rosie O'Donnell on steroids. 

*****

Convicted boyfriend-killer Jodi Arias will serve as her own lawyer in the Death Penalty phase of her trial. 

- She has no experience as an attorney but says she's "willing to take a stab at it". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Secret Service: "Agents Can Bare-ly Stand To Guard Biden!"

A new book about the Secret Service claims that no one wants to guard Joe Biden because he likes to go skinny dipping. 

- I guess this isn't what people meant when they said they wanted more "transparency" in Government. 

- On the bright side, thanks to "shrinkage" there's less of him to protect. 

*****

Duke University found that modern society flourished once our ancestor's testosterone levels were reduced. 

- Meanwhile Estrogen levels plummet every time a woman happens to see Joe Biden skinny dipping. 

*****

Hurray! Hurray! It's Primary Day!  Robo Calls From Campaign Staffs Will Stop Today!  

*****

The Mayor of Toledo lifted citywide restrictions on drinking water yesterday. 

- So if you're planning your August vacation in Toledo this year...it's a go! 

*****

According to a new survey, 3 in 5 Americans have had sex in a car. 

- Most in GM cars since there's no chance of the airbags accidentally deploying. 

- The survey also found that 2 in 5 Americans were Conceived in a car. 

- This proves the slogan: "Love...It's What Makes a Subaru a Subaru". 

*****

An Illinois man faces charges for trying to kill his roommate because she ate three Chips Ahoy cookies for breakfast. 

- How much you wanna bet he goes with the "Twinkie Defense"?

*****

According to Forbes magazine, Sandra Bullock earned $51 million dollars last year, making her the highest paid actress in Hollywood. 

- Bullock knocked Angelina Jolie from the top spot down to #5...but Angelina is still #1 in the Highest Paid "Serial Kid Adopter" category. 

- The "Highest Actress" went to Lindsay Lohan. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

And Here's To 73 More!

Big news today... Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have been married for 73 days!!!!! Smashing her old record of 72 days with ex-husband Kris Humphries. 

- I mention this for all you nay-sayers out there. 

- Kim's mom is already planning their one year anniversary party...which will be held at the 6-month mark just in case. 

*****

A Gym for dogs opened outside of Washington, D.C. 

- They even have a manicurists on staff to do Pet-i-cures. 

- The weight room even provides spotters for Spot. 

*****

President Obama turns 53 today.  

- Lois Lerner sent him a Happy Birthday email...but it inexplicably disappeared. 

- Michele is throwing him a party this afternoon complete with a clown! Yup...Joe Biden is on the guest list. 

*****

The UK's National Health Service announced plans to fund sperm banks for lesbians. 

- Who knew lesbians couldn't use regular sperm banks? 

- Next up: A "Savings and Loan-Me-Your-Womb-Bank" for gay guys who want to have a baby.  

*****

Yahoo News ran a report that Kelly Ripa and co-host Michael Strahan may be having an affair. 

- How come these kind of rumors never surfaced when she was working with Regis? 

*****

Detroit isn't the city it once was, but according to Franco-American...we're #1! Their research shows that more Spaghetti-O's are consumed in Detroit than any where else in the country, and more than 50% of those are eaten by adults. 

- The adult number was much higher until Kwame got thrown out of town. 

- With our luck, the Spaghetti-O's will be recalled due to faulty meatballs. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out my latest Podcast (#130) with our special guest star, Jackie's 12-year-old son Charlie! Just click here to listen! 

-Dick