Purtan Podcast #130: "John, Paul, George, Ringo & Charlie?"

Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #130! This week I welcome not only my regular partner in Podcast Crime, daughter Jackie to my dining room table, but her 12 year old son Charlie as well! On the docket: 

- What REALLY killed the dinosaurs according to 12 year old Charlie. (If you thought it was just an asteroid...think again)

- Charlie offers up his theory that there comes a point in everyone's life when they think they become "awesome". 

- On the 50th anniversary of their first American tour, Jackie gives me a quiz on "The Beatles!" 

- I share my personal experience with The Fab Four...and explain how I was involved with bringing them to Cincinnati for one of their first American concerts! Plus, how I ended up spending time with them backstage and emceeing their show. 

- Speaking of music... I tell you about the time Dick Clark asked me to be one of a handful of  judges on his 3 hour ABC Network TV special to pick the Top Song of the 60's 70's and 80's, and the Best Song from all three decades combined. I'll tell you which song I picked and if the other judges agreed.  

- Plus we talk about a recent news item about which country has had the most penis enlargements...and I'll give you my theory about who had the first enlargement and how it led to WWII. 

So grab something cool to sip on (or maybe something hot - the weather changes faster than Taylor Swift changes boyfriends) and join us for Podcast #130.  (30:03)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick 

P.S. We're thrilled to welcome "Intelligent Catering" as a sponsor! They specialize in complete, healthy, and delicious chicken dinners! To have your next luncheon, party, or any event catered, give them a call at 248-444-8147!

Barney: "I Love You...You Love Me, We Got Killed 'Inconveniently'!"

Paleontologists at Edinburgh University said dinosaurs would have survived the asteroid that hit the earth 66 million years ago if it happened "at a more convenient time". 

- Like the day they were all over at Betty White's place celebrating her 50th Birthday. 

- Al Gore is already writing a book about how climate change caused the asteroid. It's called "An Inconvenient Time". 

*****

Congress announced a deal to reform the Department of Veterans' Affairs. 

- Their first move will be to hire some actual doctors to work at the VA hospitals.   

*****

A group of Senators wants the Feds to install anti-missile technology on US. passenger planes.  

- If they charge $5 bucks for a Snickers Bar, imagine what "Anti-Missile Technology" is gonna cost you. 

*****

Dollar Tree is buying Family Dollar Stores for $8.5 billion. 

- They'll pay for it with 8.5 million plastic party straws and some paper drink umbrellas made in China . 

*****

USA Today is reporting that the deadly Ebola Virus is just a plane ride away from the United States. 

- Between missiles and viruses, 72 hours on a Greyhound bus with a broken toilet is sounding like a pretty appealing way to travel. 

***** 

A study by the American Journal of Infection Control found that a fist bump spreads just one-twentieth as much bacteria as a handshake does. 

- Well you can fist bump Madonna six ways to Sunday, but if you spend the night with her you're still gonna catch something. 

*****

Regis Philbin will reunite with Kathy Lee Gifford on August 1st when he fills in for Hoda Kotb who's on vacation from their NBC show. 

- Regis only agreed after Kathy Lee signed a contract guaranteeing that she wouldn't utter two specific words: "Cody" and "Cassidy". 

- I can't wait til Regis looks at Kathy Lee and says "My God Kelly...you look like you've aged 30 years."

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Poll Shows "Putin's People" Popularity At 94%

A new Gallup poll shows that 94% of Russians approve of Vladimir Putin. 

- The other 6% were immediately executed, so the next poll should show him at a solid 100%. 

*****

Russia lost control of a satellite that was studying the effects of weightlessness on lizard mating. 

- Between invading countries and studying lizard sex, is it any wonder Putin doesn't have time to put on a shirt? 

*****

A Scottish bladder surgeon discovered an "adult" toy in a woman's lady parts that had been there for 10 years, which she claimed ended up there after a night of drunken sex with her ex. 

- She says her bladder feels better but is annoyed that now she has to keep the phone in her pocket on vibrate all the time. 

- She credits her doctor for finding the toy, and Energizer batteries for "the best ten years of my life". 

*****

Aretha Franklin says she was screamed at by a fast food restaurant employee and was so mad she walked out without her order. 

- Apparently Aretha won't stand for that kind of D-I-S-R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  

*****

Craig Ferguson said he wouldn't have accepted David Letterman's show if it had been offered to him. 

- Sure, that's easy to say when no one offers you the show. 

*****

Susan Sarandon has revealed that she had an affair with David Bowie in the 80's. 

- Not only was the romance great, but they were able to share each other's clothes and make-up. 

*****

Sarah Palin is starting her own internet TV Channel called "The Sarah Palin Show". It will be available for $9.95 a month or a hundred bucks a year. 

- She's already signed up a bunch of sponsors including "The Moose Jerky Emporium", "The Conservative Polar Bear Coalition" and "DSW...the Designer Snowshoe Warehouse".

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #129: "Dick Making A Triumphant Return???"

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Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #129! In my latest "Podisode" Jackie and I sit down at the Purtan dining room table and "chew" on a whole plateful of topics including: 

- Edward Snowden and Pavlov's Dog. (Does that ring a bell?) 

- Jimmy Kimmel's new baby daughter and her great old fashioned name. 

- How my name, "Dick", may be making a comeback. (Okay...I said may be)

- How the names of two of my Grandson's, Jack and Charlie may live forever and why. 

- A "Biz-Quiz"... The Heirs to which family are the wealthiest in the world?  

- The Clintons and the money they make for their speeches...including Chelsea!

- I do my world famous Bill Clinton impression. 

And...

- The new skinny pics app...that can have you dropping 50 pounds with the click of a button.

So pull up a chair, snack on something caloric (you can "delete" that spare tire later), and join us for Podcast #129!  (20:55)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here on Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick 

Dogs "Pet Peeved"...Cat's Couldn't Care Less

A new study shows that dogs act jealous when their owners show interest in stuffed animals electronically wired to bark and wag their tail.

- A companion study found that cats don't give a rats patoot who you play with...They just act bitchy all the time. 

*****

Vladimir Putin may be full of bravado...but he's a little nervous about the food he eats. The Russian President has a full-time food tester to make sure he doesn't get poisoned. 

- So I guess the US government's plan to send him a case of "Borscht With Sour Cream and E Coli" was a bust. 

- I knew Vlad had a lot of his plate these days...I just didn't know someone else sampled it first. 

*****

A woman in Indiana is facing charges for leaving the scene, after running down a man on a motorcycle, claiming that God told her to let go and that "He'd take it from here". 

- Looks like somebody is taking the song "Jesus Take The Wheel" a little too literally. 

*****

According to a poll on Five-Thirty-Eight.com, Darth Vader is more popular with voters than Hillary Clinton or Mike Huckabee. 

- Maybe if Hillary threw a long black cape over her pantsuit...

- Actually Bill Clinton is a lot like Darth Vader: He spent years telling unsuspecting kids, "(Insert Name Here...I am your Father". 

- Darth actuality tied in popularity with Anthony Weiner...but I think that's just because they both like showing off their light saber. 

*****

A New Zealand man with 41 Homer Simpson tattoos set a world record for most tattoos of a cartoon character. 

- Ironically the only other person to do something that stupid is Homer Simpson. 

- The guy says the tattoos make him a "chick magnet" ...especially really tall chicks with blue hair. 

*****

Time Magazine says NYC is the unhappiest city in the country. 

- Leading to the new slogan: "New York, New York it's a helluva town! Where the Bronx is up, and the People are Down!" 

- Apparently living in a shoe-box sized, roach-infested apartment that costs $4000 a month isn't as fabulous as we've been led to believe. 

*****

Simon Cowell issued a statement saying he's straight after a record executive testified in court that Cowell was gay. 

- Simon added that the record execs testimony was "dreadful, amateurish, and really, really pitchy". 

- Paula Abdul jumped to his defense...but she was slurring so badly it was hard to make out what she was saying. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with an all-new Podcast (#129)!

-Dick

NEWSFLASH: Prince Harry Not Only "Dope" In Royal Family!

Queen Elizabeth's Gold Cup winning horse has tested positive for the banned substance Morphine and may be stripped of his crown. 

- Buckingham Palace doctors say that the horse, Camila, has been taking morphine for pain following a "waving to the crowd" injury. 

- Ironically, Prince Charles has considered slipping his mother a dose of Morphine to finally have her stripped of HER crown. 

- There's a rumor the horse also tested positive for pot and alcohol...Sounds like somebody's been partying with Prince Harry. 

*****

A Denver man posted a spreadsheet on the website Reddit detailing each time he asked his wife for sex and the excuse she gave him, ranging from "I'm tired" to "I'm sweaty and gross". He tried everyday from June 3rd to July 16th and only got lucky once. 

- His wife said she was extremely frustrated with the public posting. But not as frustrated as her husband!

*****

Miley Cyrus posted a topless photo of herself on the internet to dispel rumors that she had died. 

- Kidnappers post pix of their captive with a current newspaper to prove their alive, Miley posts a shot of her boobs. 

- Let's hope Rosie O'Donnell never has to post the same kind of picture to prove she's still alive. 

*****

A new book about the Secret Service says Bill Clinton has a current mistress that visits whenever Hillary leaves the house. Her code name? "Energizer". 

- Which is much easier to remember than Monica's code name: "Devil With The Blue Dress On". 

- Boy, if someone hadn't written a book about it, I never would have suspected. 

- Bill makes John F. Kennedy look like one of those nerdy guys in the high school Chess Club. 

*****

Rapper Snoop Dog told Jimmy Kimmel that he got really high at the White House last year - but that it doesn't really count since he lit up in a White House Bathroom. 

- He took a few people in the bathroom with him, so technically it was a meeting of "The Joint Chiefs of Staff". 

- I believe the first musicians to smoke a joint in the White House were the Doobie Brothers. 

*****

The FAA has barred airlines from flying to Israel after a rocket strike hit just one mile from the Tel Aviv airport. 

- Great...now I have to change my weekend getaway plans to someplace safer, like Iraq or Syria. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

And don't forget...my daily blogs here at dickpurtan.com are now brought to you by "Intelligent Catering". 

Popping The Cork At The Purtan Summer Birthday Spectacular!

Yesterday, the whole Purtan family gathered for our Annual "Purtan Summer Birthday Bash". There were 21 of us in all...celebrating the NINE birthdays that fall over the Summer months!

I know, I know...if you count the names on the cake there's only EIGHT. Gail and I would like to offer our sincere apologies to daughter #6, Julie, who's name was accidentally left off the cake by the baker. (I told her the important thing to remember was that MY NAME made it!) 

It was a great day - complete with a boat ride with "Captain Dickie" at the helm. As you can see in the picture above...I traded my usual "Titanic Hat" for this very chic chapeau I was given by a listener when I retired. It's from Australia, and apparently the "bobbing-corks-on-a-string" are designed for one of two purposes: 1) To fend off mosquitos and/or kangaroos or 2) To make the wearer look like a complete Dork. (My kids and grandkids went for #2). 

Can't wait for next years extravaganza! 

*****

In other news... 

A new dating site tests users' DNA to make sure they're a safe biological match for each other. 

- These websites can't get people to put up a real profile picture of themselves...do they really think "HornyHarold2014" is going to send in his own DNA???

- The site is called xy&eChromosome.com

*****

Today, July 21, in "National Junk Food Day".  

- In honor of the day, Little Debbie just got engaged to that Ding-Dong she's been dating FOREVER! 

*****

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West laid out a half a million dollars for a body double for their daughter to shield her from the paparazzi. 

- The code name for "North West's" miniature body-double is "South East". 

*****

RIP...James Garner. The actor whose career spanned TV shows "Maverick" & "The Rockford Files" to scores of movies including "Murphy's Romance" and "The Notebook" died over the weekend at the age of 86. Many also remember Garner as the longtime TV spokesman for Polaroid Cameras. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check my latest Podcast #128! Just click here to listen! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #128: "Waiter...There's A Podcast In My Soup!"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and a hot-off-the-grill new Podcast (#128)! Jackie and I will be your servers and I'd like to take a minute to tell you about this weeks "specials"...

- It's one of the hardest forms of comedy: Improv. Jackie uses her experience as an original member of The Second City Detroit to let us in on just how it works. 

- Dave Rexroth's accident and recovery and the fact that in just 24 hours, 15,000 of you sent your prayers and good wishes to him via dickpurtan.com! 

- The passing of actress Elaine Stritch. You may not think you know who she is, but chances are good you do. 

- How she went from singing "Bongo Bongo Bongo I Don't Want to Leave the Congo, Oh No! No! No!" to "Send it the Clowns". 

- Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl returned to duty...and exactly which side authorized it (Uncle Sam or his Tali-Buddies???)

- How the Fall like weather and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford made it hard to celebrate "National Respect Canada Day". 

- Marvel comics announcement that the he-man character "Thor" is becoming a woman and what real life celebrity might have inspired the change.  

and...

- How the city of Philadelphia wanted to tax lap dances under the "amusement tax" and how that "sat" with a Judge.

Of course each "entree" comes with plenty of "asides"! So take a few minutes to feast on Podcast #128...you don't even have to leave a tip! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

"Here's the Thor-y...Of A Lovely Lady???"

The current wave of changes in the Comic Book industry continues. Marvel Comics is changing the gender of their popular "Thor" character from a man to a woman. 

- If you thought he was Thor now, he's really gonna be Thor after the surgery! 

- So this week alone, "Archie" died taking a bullet for a gay friend and "Thor" is having a sex change. Are these comic books or HBO? 

*****

Sources say that Pope Francis is hinting that priests may soon be allowed to marry and have kids. 

- I can hear it now..."Just wait 'til your Father, the Father gets home!" 

- If the Priests do get married look for them to teach their kids a lot of "Hail Mary" passes.  

*****

Al Qaeda's monthly magazine "Inspire" is encouraging jihadists to attack the U.S. Tennis Open. 

- Remember the good old days when if you wanted to see an explosion at a tennis match, the judge just had to tell John McEnroe that his tennis ball was "out"?

- It's the best selling Al Qaeda issue since "Babes in Burkas" came out in February. 

*****

MTV is launching a new TV show called "Virgin Territory" that follows a group of young girls some of whom are trying to lose their virginity. 

- It's really a throwback to MTV's old format...when they played videos by Madonna. 

*****

Ron Howard announced that he's directing an authorized Beatles documentary. 

- He's going to put his own spin on it...for instance the section on the Fab Four's drug days will be called "Mayberry LSD". 

*****

Lindsay Lohans spokesperson says she was not drunk when she fell down at the Ischia Film Festival in Italy. 

- She was high on crack...but she was definitely NOT drunk. 

*****

From the Good News Department... Channel 7's Dave Rexroth says his recovery is going well! He'll meet with his doctors in Iowa today, then head back here to get ready for his prosthetic eye surgery in August! 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick

Rapper Who Cut Off Own Penis Talks About "Package Deal"...

The Wu Tang rapper who cut off his own penis and jumped off a two-story balcony says it was not a suicide attempt. 

- Suicide attempt, no. Stupid? Absolutely. 

- The way I see it, either way he came up short.

*****

A new study on global employment shows that China's work force is shrinking. 

- This is because of better technology and also the fact that many workers have decided to go on to higher education...and attend 2nd grade instead. 

*****

A shocking new report says that 35 Disney World employees have tried to meet minors in the park for sex since 2006. 

- This explains why "Horny" and "Gropey" have moved in with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.  

*****

The Army confirmed that Bowe Bergdahl is on desk duty at Fort Sam Houston. 

- He spends most of the day emailing Jihad jokes to his "Tali-Buddies" in Afghanistan. 

*****

Israel and Hamas resumed bombing each other less than 24 hours after Egypt brokered a peace treaty.  

- It wasn't so much a peace treaty as it was a little extra time time for everybody to clean and reload their weapons. 

*****

The FAA is probing a New York representative for using a drone to shoot his wedding video. 

- Usually the only drone at a wedding is a drunken groomsmen who gives an impromptu embarrassing speech about the groom's previous sex life. 

*****

Oscar Pistorius is in hot water again. While out on bail during his murder trial, he went to a nightclub and got into a fight with another patron. His lawyer says going to the nightclub was "probably a bad idea". 

- Ya think? 

- But there were so many women their just dying to meet him. 

- To his credit, he stuck to beer and didn't do any shots. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Archie "Rubbed Out" Of His Own Comic Strip!

"Archie" Andrews, the red-headed good-guy star of Archie Comics will be killed off by publishers in an edition released tomorrow. He'll die taking a bullet for his gay friend, Kevin Kellner, in an effort to increase gun control awareness. 

- Betty and Veronica are expected to attend the funeral, and Jughead will deliver the eulogy. 

*****

Thanks to a "summer version" of the Polar Vortex, today and tomorrow will feel more like September or the beginning of October, than July.  Highs will barely make 70...with temps dipping into the low 50's during the night. 

- On the down side, you might have to wear a coat. On the bright side, there are no leaves to rake. 

- It hasn't been this cold in July since Bill & Hillary shared a hotel room in 1992. 

*****

Military sources says that former Taliban hostage/guest Sgt. Bowie Bergdahl has been cleared by Army doctors to return to active duty. 

- I'm sure our Veteran's who have been waiting to have their blood pleasure taken at the VA hospital since 2004 are thrilled that he got such top-notch medical attention. 

*****

A group of doctors claim that the new iPad, which contains Nickel, may give people a severe, itchy rash. 

- The exact same symptoms you'll end up with if you spend a night with Madonna. 

*****

Lindsay Lohan has threatened to move out of the US permanently. 

- I take that more as "wishful thinking" than a "threat". 

- Question: Does Malaysian Air fly out of US airports???

*****

A survey by Live Science found that the average person has dreams about doing things that are impossible to do in real life. 

- Things like flying, becoming invisible, and figuring out the US immigration policy. 

*****

In Pennsylvania, a corpse fell out of a coroner's van and on to a busy road. 

- I guess the driver misunderstood when the coroner told him to have the body "run over" to the morgue. 

- Ironically, it happened on a dead end street. 

- The deceased was a woman with fake boobs, giving new meaning to "When the rubber meets the road". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Germany: "World Cup Win More Than Balances Out Loss of WWII"

They're still partying in the streets of Deutschland after Germany defeated Argentina 1-0 to win the World Cup of Soccer. 

- They plan to continue the celebrations by invading Poland and beating their team, too.  

- The fans were so excited they got Goose-steps, um, I mean Goosebumps.  

*****

Mick Jagger was at the game in Brazil because he's a big soccer fan. 

- Mick's so old, fans sitting nearby swear they heard him yelling, "Hey you kids...Get offa my lawn!"

*****

The Drug Enforcement Administration launched an investigation into the NFL's abuse of pain killers and prescription drugs. 

- In most cities they'll concentrate on the players, but here in Detroit they'll be checking out the Lion's FANS.  

*****

"Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" won big at the weekend box office. 

- Producers of other movies released this weekend said "Those DAMN Apes!!!!!" 

*****

Fired "The View" co-host Jenny McCarthy says that when Rosie O'Donnell rejoins the show she'll "Bring a lot of heat". 

- Along with a lot of potato chips and donuts. 

- Rosie and Whoopi back together again...I haven't looked forward to a reunion this much since the last time Dennis Rodman visited Kim Jong Un. 

*****

Singapore's government has banned a book about two male penguins that raise a baby chick. 

- What do two gay guys know about chicks anyway? 

- Wow...Gay Penquins. Talk about snappy dressers! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out Podcast #127! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #127: "Happy Birthday To Me...Yada Yada Yada!"

Jackie as "Elaine" and me trying to look like "Kramer" (although I look more like a Scary one of "PUTIN's People")  in a shot we took for a Children's Hospital Calendar a few years back. 

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #127! It's my Birthday so please pardon any typos...I have frosting on my fingers. This week Jackie and I "unwrap" a lot of subjects including: 

- Second Marriage for the AARP set...involving money and your kids (both the grown-up ones and your toddlers!)

- The recent passing of "Pinocchio". 

- The latest Iraqi craziness...and why the Parliament can't seem to agree on anything even though the enemy is knocking on the front door!

- Germany's announcement that they're ending their no-spy agreement with the US. So be on the lookout for Nazi's hiding in your bushes!  

- The "disturbing" secret a woman found out when she saw the house she was living in on the TV news. 

- What Hitler, Stalin, Osama Bin Laden and Justin Bieber should all have had in common. 

- How many eggs you can eat per week according to my doctor. 

- The Purtan Family Birthday Calendar.

And...

- Seinfeld's 25th Anniversary and my favorite lines and moments from the show.

So while I'm busy blowing out the candles, put on a party hat and celebrate with Podcast #127!  (31:28)

Have a great day and I'll see you back here on Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick 

"And Then There Were...11?"

25 years ago this Saturday, "Seinfeld" debuted on NBC. In honor of the anniversary and my Birthday tomorrow on the 11th, here are, in my opinion, the "11" best expressions (in no particular order) that Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer added to the popular lingo. 

- Shut! Up! 

- Sponge Worthy

- Yada Yada Yada 

- Here Ma...Have Some Tic-Tacs. 

- Anti-Dentite

- Shrinkage

- Not That There's Anything Wrong With That! 

- No Soup For You!

- Hello Newman...

- Master of My Domain

- I'm Out! 

*****

Reportedly OJ Simpson is insisting that he's the biological father of one of the Kardashian girls. and is demanding a DNA test to prove it. 

- Personally, I'd be demanding a DNA test to prove that one of the Kardashian's WASN'T mine. 

*****

The author of a book on how to survive the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona is in critical condition after being gored in the leg by a bull in Pamplona. 

- Apparently, he's a really good writer, but not much of a reader. 

*****

Robert Redford has signed on to play Dan Rather in the new movie called "Truth". 

- The screenwriters say they still have a few wrinkles to work out...and they're all in Robert Redford's face. 

*****

A Judge in the small-town of Waterloo, NY has been indicted after stealing gasoline and lying about being attacked by two men wielding a toilet seat as he was leaving the courthouse last November. 

- Looks like someone just flushed their Judicial career down the toilet. 

- His wife says she has no idea why he made up the story...then again she doesn't understand why he leaves the toilet seat up at home either. 

*****

And now for some good news... Channel 7 is reporting that Dave Rexroth's surgery yesterday was a success! His damaged left eye was removed and will be replaced with a prosthetic eye in a second surgery next Thursday. Our thoughts and Prayers continue to be with Dave and the entire Rexroth family. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

Whoopi! Everything's Coming Up Rosie???

It's apparently a done deal... Insiders say Rosie O'Donnell is headed back to "The View" and will co-host with Whoopi Goldberg.  

- They're kinda like "Thelma & Louise"...hopefully with the same ending. 

*****

A Detroit man is in custody after exposing himself at a Starbucks in Royal Oak and then fleeing from the cops. 

- Luckily, eyewitnesses were able to pick him out of a line up by identifying his Frappachino.  

- And they said it was "no Grande". 

*****

On this day in 1995, the Grateful Dead played their last concert at Chicago's Soldier Field. 

- This news comes as a shock to fans of the band who are still in the stands waiting for "intermission" to end. 

- You don't have to be Dead to be Grateful that the band hasn't performed in almost 30 years. 

*****

Last week Joan Rivers walked off the set of a TV interview and now David Letterman turned the tables and walked off the set while he was interviewing Joan on his show. 

- An embarrassed Joan managed to keep a straight face. Then again, Joan ALWAYS keeps a straight face. 

- Joan went on to give a solo performance about her sex life. 

*****

Scientists at MIT are developing a birth control computer chip that can be implanted under the skin. 

- In a gift to humanity, the first one will be implanted in the Octomom. 

- The chip will also let the NSA know when "the moment is right". 

*****

A study by the University of Sheffield found that super massive black holes can belch gas in incredible quantities. 

- So forget Global Warming, Earth stands a good chance of being Burped into extinction. 

- They say the tricky part is getting the black holes to take Bean-O. 

*****

Madonna finally show up for jury duty in New York and was dismissed. 

- Attorneys said she couldn't be impartial because she'd slept with the defendant. 

- And the Judge. 

- And the Bailiff. 

- And Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Continued Prayers For Dave Rexroth...

First of all, I want to thank all of you for your incredible outpouring of support for Dave Rexroth! And with his prosthetic eye surgery set for tomorrow, please join me and the entire Purtan family as we continue to pray for a successful outcome and speedy recovery for Dave...and comfort for his family! 

-Dick

*****

A study by the University of Missouri found that spending too much time on Twitter can ruin your marriage. 

- The one exception: Anthony Weiner. 

- Thankfully you can post all about your S.O.B. partner on Facebook. 

- This is nothing new...women have been dumping men for years because "he's all thumbs in bed". 

*****

The Running of the Bulls is underway in Pamplona, Spain, and one man has already been gored in the groin. 

- Doctors say the man's brain damage may be permanent. 

*****

The Department of Homeland Security believes terrorists could be inserting bombs into smartphones before boarding planes. 

- This gives a whole new meaning to someone "blowing up your phone". 

- Great... Wanna bring down an airliner? There's an app for that! 

- And you thought the person sitting next to you playing "Candy Crush Saga" was annoying.

*****

On this day in 951 A.D. Paris was founded. 

- Later that afternoon, a Parisian horse and wagon taxi driver overcharged a tourist from England trying to get to the Eiffel Tower. 

- They would have called it "Saint du Jerry Lewis" but he hadn't been born yet. 

*****

The Washington Post is reporting that the NSA spends more time tracking ordinary American web users than targeted foreigners. 

- They now have the largest collection of Cat pictures and crock pot recipes in the world. 

- They may also know about that time you posted "Screw the IRS!" Of course you won't know for sure until next April. 

*****

For the first time ever, Congress is on the verge of emptying out the fund used to pay for repairs to  our nations highways. 

- So when Obama said, "If you like your Pothole...you can keep your Pothole!" he was actually telling the truth! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here on Wednesday! 

-Dick

Forecast: A Full and Speedy Recovery

Our thoughts and prayers go out to Dave Rexroth, Chief Meteorologist at Channel 7 who was severely injured in a fireworks accident Friday night. He was vacationing with his family in Iowa, where he remains hospitalized. He is scheduled to undergo surgery on Wednesday to begin the process of providing him with a prosthetic eye. 

My daughter JoAnne has had the pleasure of working with Dave for many years at WXYZ and I can tell you from personal experience that he is a super and extremely funny guy. 

Please join my entire family and me in sending positive thoughts and Prayers to Dave and his family as they go through this very difficult time. You can leave a note on Dave's Facebook page or send a "Get Well" tweet to @rexroth7wxyz. 

He's expected to be back in front of the camera forecasting in September! 

-Dick

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In other news...

A noted physicist says that by the year 2045, humans will no longer be the top species on earth. 

- That is, if the Kardasian's are allowed to continue procreating. 

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Joan Rivers made waves recently by saying that the President was gay and that the First Lady was a transexual. 

- Rivers used to support the Obamas, but apparently is two-faced...neither of which can move. 

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Miley Cyrus got a tattoo of her dead dog under her left breast. 

- Sadly, by the time she's 50, nobody will be able to tell that she ever had a dog. 

- Miley's a boob...and now so is her dead dog. 

- That dog is going to get (heavy) petted in death a million times more than it did in life. 

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Over the holiday weekend, a 116-year-old woman in Arkansas was named the oldest living American. 

- If you want to congratulate her, call now! Being named the "Oldest Living Anything" usually means you'll be dead inside a week. 

- In a related story, Larry King was named the "Oldest Living American Who Looks Like a Giant Grasshopper." 

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Pope Francis says businesses that stay open on Sundays are not good for society and have a negative impact on family. 

- Especially when those businesses have names like "Hooters" and "The Dollar Lap Dance Store". 

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An Australian TV station aired a damaging video of Oscar Pistorius reenacting the killing of his girlfriend. 

- It wasn't damaging, until Oscar started criticizing the director saying, "That's all wrong! I was over HERE when I killed her!" 

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Have a great day and I'll see you back Tuesday!

-Dick 

Happy 4th of July Weekend...2014!

Hope you had a fabulous 4th…and that the 5th and 6th are great as well! After a long night of Fireworks (I haven’t oooohhhed and ahhhhed that much since the Kwame verdicts were read) I am now going to make my world famous Salmon-On-A-Stick appetizer, get ready to throw some fat-free Turkey dogs on the grill (in honor of Ben Franklin who wanted to make the Turkey our nation's National Bird instead of the Eagle!)  and "relish" the fruits of our Founding Fathers!! 

From the Purtan Family to yours…Have a Safe & Happy Holiday weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday! 

-JOHN "Dick" HANCOCK

Pippa Middleton in A-Rears???

Pippa Middleton says she feels "publicly bullied" by the way people have objectified her since the Royal Wedding and that no woman should be famous just because of her butt.  

- And here I thought she'd turn the other cheek. 

- So I guess the Kardashian sisters shouldn't be expecting an invitation to High Tea anytime soon. 

- Ironically, Pippa says she just wants to put the whole thing behind her. 

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The Supreme Court allowed California to ban psychological "conversion therapy" that tries to turn gay teens straight. 

- George Michael went thru that therapy years ago and WHAM! he stayed gay. 

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Toronto Mayor Rob Ford finished a two-month stint in alcohol and drug rehab, saying he truly regrets some of the choices he's made in the past. 

- Like wasting two good months of party time by checking himself into rehab. 

- He plans to celebrate his new found sobriety by doing Jell-O shots...off his own stomach.  

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Sixteen different companies have put in bids to operate casinos on New York's Indian Reservations. 

- So far the top Contenders are "The Charmin Tee-Pee Resort & Casino", "Bet, Bath & Beyond" and "Proctor & Gambling". 

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TLC has given the green light to a new series that tells the story of people who buy houses in the nude. 

- They're just like regular home buyers except they don't give a rats patoot about closet space. 

- In the pilot episode, they sold a house to a naked 23 year old woman and 57 guys showed up on the Welcome Wagon. 

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Harrison Ford broke his ankle on the set of the new Star Wars film. 

- Doctors say his therapy will include a lot of Yoda, um...I mean "Yoga". 

- He's using a cane, so "Han" is no longer walking "Solo". 

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Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

My Oh My! It's The First Of July!

Three big events: Today is July 1st, "Canada Day". Also "Second Half Of The Year Day". And also, the day after Jackie's Birthday! (Oops... I forgot to mention that yesterday!) The picture of Jackie below was taken at her birthday party yesterday afternoon!?!

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Mensa is partnering with Match.com to create a dating site where geniuses can find a partner. 

- It's expected to be a lot less popular than it's sister site eStudpidity.com.

- The problem is, anyone smart enough to be in Mensa would be way too smart to try on-line dating. 

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A new study found that marijuana use has declined everywhere in the world except the U.S.

- The "Star Spangled Banner" will now officially be replaced by Jackie Wilson's "Higher and Higher".  

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Organizers of the Miss Florida beauty pageant crowned the wrong girl after a vote countering error.  

- Apparently they got the girls hanging chads mixed up. 

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Elton John marked Gay Pride Day by saying that Jesus would have supported gay marriage. 

- He based his theory on the fact that Jesus liked to drink wine and hang out with a bunch of guys. 

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Pope Francis insists that he's fine, despite canceling recent events because of health problems. 

- Truth be told, he just hasn't been getting much sleep due to Restless Pope Syndrome. 

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The Oscar Pistorius murder trial resumed Monday after a 30-day psychiatric evaluation. 

- The good news for him: He's not crazy. The bad news for me: This increases his chances of being convicted.    

- The doctors did say he's suffering from PTSD... Post Traumatic Shooting Disorder. 

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A study by Emory University found that Chimpanzees prefer music from India and Africa over Western music. 

- The one exception...Anything by The Monkees. 

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Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick