Tom's Got A Hank-ering To Work With Meg Again...

57 year old Tom Hanks is reuniting with 52 year old Meg Ryan for a new movie. 

- It'll be called "Sleepless in Seattle Due To Restless Leg Syndrome". 

- Or "You've Got Mail! Including Your AARP Membership Card!"

*****

According to divorce papers filed in Florida, George Zimmerman has no home and no money, but spends $100 each month going on vacation. 

- Who knew it could be so cheap to find a pristine white beach to relax on? 

*****

An Alaskan black bear crashed through a skylight and into a living room during a toddler's birthday party.  

- The child's parents never would have paid 200 bucks for a pony if they'd known the bear was gonna show up for free. 

- Zoologists claim the animal suffers from psychological problems, describing him as a "Bi-Polar Bear". 

*****

Yesterday was "Gay Pride Day" in the USA. 

- This year's official slogan was "It Takes A Village People". 

*****

Eminem's daughter Haillie graduated from High School in Clinton Township over the weekend. 

- Eminem said, "I'm so #%@  *$^!  $%!@^&^! proud of her I could %*&^#$  %$!@#!!!!!"

- Her teachers were amazed saying they thought her chances of graduation were Slim Shady to none. 

*****

On this day in 1936 the book "Gone With the Wind" was published, becoming an instant best seller. 

- I've never read it...I'm waiting for the movie to come out. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here on Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #126: "Sorry...Wrong Number (By One!)"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and a brand new Podcast...#126! (Don't be confused when Jackie and I call it #125...turns out we're about as good with numbers as the US Budget Office).This week yet another of my lovely daughters joins us...this time the oldest of the six...Jennifer. 

It's a "Purtan Podcast Potpourri" including: 

-Why Detroit is the safest weather city to live in when it comes to natural disasters.

- How over the years...at hundreds of banquets...Gail has always been introduced as "and his lovely wife". 

- The best Bagels (in my humble opinion) and where you can find them. 

- How coffee goes great with hamburgers and the one condiment that I HAVE TO ADD to really make it work. 

- How many Beans is too many Beans in a bowl of fast food Chili? (I actually counted).

- The many "Stars" that Jennifer ran into when she lived in L.A. and which two "Stars" it would take to make Jackie move there. 

- What happened to daughter #4 JoAnne, the day she "covered" (literally) the demolition of the old Hudson's building. 

- And for your musical entertainment...I'll give you my pick for the singer I think is the best and most successful pop star of the last 40 years - and play one of my favorites. 

So grab something cool to sip on and drink-in Podcast #126!  (31:35)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick 

Casting Couch Now Open For "Clinton: The Musical"!

"Clinton: The Musical" is about to hit the stage in New York City. Producers say it follows "Two Bills and one Hillary as they prove that politics is Show Biz for ugly people."  The production also features characters including Ken Starr and Monica Lewinsky. 

- Alternate titles for the show include "Fiddled-Her On The Roof", "Damn Wankees" & "Hillary Get Your Gun". 

- The show is said to feature toe-tapping songs including "Oh What A Beautiful Intern!", "Impeachable You" and Monica Lewinsky singing, "I'm Just A Girl Who Can't Say No!"

*****

The Department of Homeland Security is looking to buy 42 thousand pair of men's underwear for illegal detainees from Mexico. Sizes requested range from Small to 6XL. 

- The program is known as "SpongeJuan UnderPants". 

- The guys who need the 6XL's didn't "Run for the Border"...they were rolled across it. 

*****

Joe Biden called himself the poorest man in Congress, saying he doesn't have a single stock, bond or savings account. 

- And we wonder why the economy is so screwed up. 

- He'd put his money where his mouth is...but his foot is already taking up all the space. 

*****

Madonna's daughter Lordes will be attending the University of Michigan starting in the fall. U of M is also her mom's alma mater. 

- And you thought you had trouble convincing your Freshman daughter to stay "Like a Virgin". 

- So attention male students: Get your shots now! 

- You can read all about it in the upcoming issue of "Vogue".

*****

An Environmental Working Group report warns parents that eating too many nutrients can pose health issues for children.

- Translation: Every kid in America is in the clear.

*****

Bob Dylan's handwritten draft of "Like a Rolling Stone" is expected to bring in $2 million at auction this week.

- If his handwriting is better than his singing, we might finally figure out the lyrics!

*****

Lindsay Lohan streaked fully naked across a London department store after trying on clothes.

- She's pulled the same stunt at "Pottery Butt", and "Nudestum". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

Scientists Attempt To Keep Sheep From Tooting Own Horns...

In the ongoing war on Global Warming, Federal researchers are attempting to breed sheep that give off less methane gas when they burp or break wind. 

- It's actually a highly classified project known as: "Silent But Deadly". 

- If only they'd had this technology before my former brother-in-law Joe married into the family. 

*****

John Kerry say the U.S. is exploring alternative ways to kill off insurgents in Iraq. 

- They'd send in a bunch of Sheep, but poison gas isn't allowed under the Geneva Convention. 

- That's the great thing about death...so many options! 

*****

Twenty girls, age 7 and younger were forced into marriage during a ceremony in India. 

- The brides are already complaining about spending all day cooking for their husbands in their plastic "Little Tikes" kitchens. 

- I hope their parents aren't expecting grandkids anytime soon. 

*****

A pre-teen boy in France has finally admitted that he made-up a story about being kidnapped to get out of going to the dentist. 

- It took hours, but the cops finally drilled the truth out of him. 

- I'm guessing this kid was born without Wisdom teeth. 

*****

At 3:30pm this afternoon, Governor Rick Snyder is expected to sign the "Breastfeeding Anti-Descrimination Act" making it legal for woman to nurse their babies in public. 

- For full coverage of this story, just turn to any news channel on the Boob tube. 

- The police are expecting a huge crowd in Lansing...not protestors, just a lot of creepy guys with cameras. 

*****

The Government continues to try to force the owner of the NFL's Washington Redskins to change the team name, saying it's offensive. 

- How about The Washington Redskin Potatoes? Nothin' offensive about that!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Fireworks and Faygo!

Despite a 70% change of rain tonight, organizers say they're planning to go ahead with tonight's 56th Annual Detroit Ford Fireworks on the Detroit River. Over one million people are expected to attend. 

- If the event is cancelled, Channel 4 will still provide "Fireworks" coverage...they'll show a tape of one of Monica Conyers City Council meetings. 

*****

A new study finds that grumpy and negative people are more efficient at their jobs because they tend to focus on fewer things than positive people. 

- So "Grumpy" may not have "whistled on his way to work" like "Happy"...but he did a better job in the mine.  

- This is great ammo for anyone who gets called into the bosses office to day for having "a bad attitude". 

*****

According to the National Enquirer, now that the big Kardashian wedding is over, Kim's step dad Bruce Jenner is going full speed ahead with his gender transformation. He was recently spotted with pouty lips, long hair in a pony tail, lady-length manicured nails, and his breasts appear to be growing. They say he's even picked out a new name for himself: Brigitte. 

- Just what we need...another woman in the Kardashian family. 

- Bruce's final act of gender transformation to be a true Kardashian will be the day he gets butt implants. 

*****

A University in Florida will begin letting students "check out" drones from the Library next fall. The plan is to have students use the drones to take aerial photographs and video. 

- And deliver pizza to dorms. 

- And beer kegs to frat parties. 

*****

Hugh Rosenthal, the grandson of one of the founders of legendary "Faygo" Soda Pop is suing the company for age discrimination. He claims he was fired at the age of 68 for no reason except than he was 68. 

- His termination letter read: "Remember when you were a kid? Well part of you still is! But the rest of you is too old to work here anymore!"

*****

A new book claims that Hillary Clinton's health problems have been greatly downplayed and that she suffers from serious heart issues. 

- Republicans leaders were shocked...that she had a heart at all. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out Podcast #125 featuring Jim "Casey Kasem" Ochs! Click here to listen. 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #125: "Casey (Well, Jim Ochs as Casey) At The Bat"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #125! This week Jackie and I welcome special guest Jim Ochs to the Purtan Dining Room table. Jim not only performed on my show for years, but was acknowledged by the late great Casey Kasem as THE BEST Casey impersonator in the country! The three of us (four...if you count Jim as Casey) "Count Down" a whole host of topics including: 

- The "Jersey Boys" movie.

- Hollywood producers putting rap music into remakes of old movies. 

- Subtle vs. Slamdunk humor on the radio.

- Dr. Oz:  Is the "man behind the curtain" a good guy or a bad guy for stretching the truth about diet drugs (as he loves to stretch human intestines on his show!)

- Some memorable audio clips from my show with Jim "filling in" for me, and as Casey Kasem. 

- Plus Jackie presents a special "Long Distance Dedication" as "Mrs. Casey Kasem". 

So have a great weekend, keep your feet on the ground & keep reachin' for the stars in Podcast #125!  (37:36) And I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick

People Forced To Actually Talk To Each Other!

Yesterday, June 18th, 2014 Facebook went down for 30 minutes across the globe leaving users unable to make posts. 

- And you thought December 7, 1941 was a date which would live in infamy. 

- For 30 long minutes, the friends of Cindy Fremont had no idea whether or not she'd finally made it to the front of the line at the grocery store. 

*****

Dr. Oz was ripped apart at a Congressional hearing for allegedly lying about weight-loss products on his show. 

- But the Congressmen did admit that the episode where he unraveled and stretched a human intestine across the stage was pretty cool. 

- Dr. Oz stayed calm...but I got the idea he was angry when he suggested that every member of the panel get a colonoscopy. 

*****

A study by Berkeley Research Group found that listing your religious faith on your resume decreases your risk of getting hired. 

- Especially if you're applying at the Vatican and put yourself down as "Agnostic". 

*****

New York State adopted a new law allowing humans to be buried in pet cemeteries alongside their furry friends. 

- And if you've got a goldfish you can now get the traditional "Flush-Down-The-Toilet" burial for yourself.  

- Somewhere in New York there's an 85 year old spinster with 70 cats who just bought an entire cemetery.

- Dog owners better hope Rover goes first or he's gonna keep digging them up. 

*****

A British woman's breast implants exploded inside her body, quadrupling the size of her breasts. 

- This is what happens when you go to the "Al Qaeda Cosmetic Surgery Center". 

- Terrorists are already using the idea to create "Suicide Boobers". 

- The woman was unavailable for comment...since the explosion, her husband's had her locked in their bedroom.

- And just like that we know how Dolly Parton became Dolly Parton. 

*****

Donald Trump told an interviewer that he thinks J. Lo's and Kim Kardashian's butts are "too big". 

- Reaction to his comment was so positive, he's going to use the "Butt's Too Big" platform as the centerpiece of his campaign if he decides to run for President.  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast! 

-Dick 

Thunder From Down Under???

It was tough to get any sleep last night with the incredible thunderstorms that lasted through this morning. 
- There hasn't been that much thunder since Kwame Kilpatrick and the boys got together at the prison mess hall for the monthly "All You Can Eat Franks & Beans Buffet". 
*****
Facebook lifted it's ban on breast feeding photos. 
- Instead they'll ban pictures of bottle feeding since those never get any "Likes". 
*****
Don Ennis, an ABC News producer who switched genders 3 times, has been fired. 
- Friends say he's taking the firing like a man...On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. The rest of the week he's taking it like a woman. 
- Kind of makes you long for the good old days when we had people like Chastity/Chaz Bono who only changed gender once. 
*****
7-Eleven is the latest U.S. franchise to set up shop in the United Arab Emirates. 
- They're just like our 7-Eleven's but the sign on the door reads: "No Burka, No Sandals, No Service." 
- They also have the traditional "Goat-On-A-Bun" hot dogs on the roller.  
- They also offer the "Suicide Bomber Burrito". Microwave it for more than 72 seconds and it explodes. 
*****
Secretary of State John Kerry confirmed that the US may join forces with Iran to end the violence in the Middle East. 
- I think we have the front-runner for next year's "Nobel Peace of Crap Prize"!
*****
Lady Gaga made a surprise visit to an arts school in Astoria, Queens dressed as Cher. 
- How could they tell? 
- Gay guys at the school haven't been this excited since Adam Lambert won American Idol. 
*****
Kenya's president is urging tourists to vacation in Kenya. 
- They're slogan is: "Everybody's Flying To Kenya...20 Million Mosquitos Can't Be Wrong!"
*****
Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 
-Dick

O.J. Simpson: Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda!

On this day in 1994, O.J. Simpson led police on a slow speed chase while threatening to kill himself so he wouldn't have to go to jail for killing his wife. 

- If only OnStar had existed back then...a live operator could have given him directions on how to go straight to Hell. 

- He may have been a cold-blooded murdered, but at least he didn't go over the speed limit. 

- The car chase held the record for the most Americans glued to their TV's...until last season's finale of "The Bachelor". 

*****

Many people are questioning the President's decision to take a four-day golfing vacation in  California at the same time American Soldiers and Marines are arriving in Iraq to protect the embassy from the militant army. 

- C'mon! The guy hasn't had a vacation in almost three weeks! 

*****

Pope Francis announced that he will no longer use the Pope Mobile, calling it "a lousy sardine can that keeps people away from you."

- Besides, without a sunroof his hat kept getting smushed. 

- Apparently the Pontiff wants a car just like the people he's trying to reach: Covert-ible. 

*****

A 66 year old old female hoarder died when her Connecticut home collapsed under the weight of all the clutter. 

- I'll bet she was pretty upset when she got to the other side and realized it's true: You can't take it with you. 

- Her children have taken the next ten years off work to "go through Mom's things". 

*****

Miley Cyrus has done it again...this time posting a "selfie" she took wearing nothing but a tiny pair of panties with her tongue hanging out.  

- Miley says it was an accident...she was planning on saving the photo to use as her Christmas Card. Hoe! Hoe! Hoe! 

*****

Starbucks is offering employees the opportunity to complete an online degree at Arizona State University at no cost to them. 

- How are Starbucks workers possibly going to stay awake cramming for finals? 

- You'll know the Starbucks students at graduation...they'll be the ones wearing the "Cappuccino & Gown". 

*****

On a personal note... I was thrilled at the response we got yesterday to the Video Tribute to Casey Kasem on my radio show and 3 Detroit Radio Reunions that I Emceed. If you haven't had a chance to watch it...you really should! To make it easy, I'm posting it on today's page as well for your listening and viewing pleasure. Have a great day! and I'll see you back here Wednesday.  -Dick

Casey Kasem...Reachin' For The Stars

Sunday, we lost the great Casey Kasem at the age of 82. For 34 years he did the "American Top 40 Countdown"...a show that he created himself and broadcast worldwide from Hollywood. He had a unique voice, style and sincerity that came across to everyone who tuned in. And millions did. 

Casey - who was from Detroit - attended 3 of the 4 Detroit Radio Reunions that I emceed, and I am happy to have called him my friend. He had a great sense of humor...in fact every time I saw him, I told him that his hair was darker and his teeth whiter. 

Through the years, Casey became a regular "character" on my radio show, with our take on his "Long Distance Dedications" being voiced by Jim Ochs and occasionally, Kevin O'Neil. 

In 1988 and again in 2005 we had "Casey-Off's" between Jim & Kevin...and one time between Jim, Kevin and the real Casey himself! 

Casey was a class act...he and his unforgettable voice will be missed. 

Below is a piece compiled by "Radio's Best Friend" Art Vuolo, and featured yesterday at Freep.com. It features a visit by Casey to my show back when I was on 95.5. That's Jim Ochs on the left and, of course, Casey on the right. RIP.

Happy Father's Day...2014

Jackie here… In honor of Father’s Day, I thought it would be fun to post a picture of my Dad sitting on His Dad’s (my Grandpa’s) lap. That little boy grew up to do a lot of amazing things…foremost among them, being the greatest Father I, and my sisters Jennifer, Jill, JoAnne, Jessica, & Julie could ever ask for! We love you so much and are so proud to call you our Dad!!! Love, Your 6 Girls. P.S. Happy Father’s Day to all the other great Dad’s out there too!

No Wonder Flipper Was So Happy!

A NASA researcher claims she had sex with a Dolphin back in 1963 to teach him how to communicate. 

- Just to clarify, we're talking about an Ocean mammal, not a professional football player. 

- Apparently it didn't work out well, since like a lotta guys, he hasn't called or texted her since the big date.

*****

A group of seniors at a Chicago high school made a "slight" error on banners and invitations featuring their Prom slogan. It read: "This Is Are Story". 

- May I be the first to congratulate the high school's English Department on a job well done! 

- Looks like some kids "our" going to summer school. 

*****

1.000 clowns marched in protest of Mexico City's ban on circus animals. 

- There haven't been this many Bozos in one place since the Kardashian family wedding reception. 

*****

Paula Deen is launching her own internet cooking show.

- On the first episode, she and special guest Donald Sterling cook up a delicious White Bean Chili. 

*****

A Seattle doctor has been suspended for "sexting" on his phone at least 640 times while performing surgeries. 

- The anesthesiologists didn't notice because they were watching porn on their iPads at the time. 

- One Scrub Nurse said she was shocked...but still, he was the only man she'd ever worked with who could multi-task. 

*****

The Pope cancelled several days of audiences due an undisclosed illness. 

- The Papal doctor advised him to take two aspirin and have a glass of red wine everyday. 

*****

Lawyers say the latest trend in Pre-nups is a "Social Media Clause" that can cause a spouse as much as $50,000 every time they post an embarrassing pic or TMI about their spouse on places like Facebook. 

- Anthony Weiner just charged himself a million bucks on behalf of his wife Mrs. Weiner. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast...#125! 

-Dick

Huge Run On New CDC App...

The Centers for Disease Control has launched a new App to help travelers avoid diarrhea. 

- It's known as the iPooped App. 

- They just released it and it's already the #2 most downloaded app in America. 

- So now you can download something that will help you avoid downloading. 

*****

Federal prosecutors are discussing a plea deal that would bring Edward Snowden back to the US from Russia. 

- Why doesn't Snowden just fly to Mexico and walk into America like everybody else? 

*****

United Airlines announced plans to base frequent flyer points on dollars spent, instead of miles flown. 

- Air Malaysia only awards points if your plane actually lands.  

*****

Hillary Clinton says the 5 Taliban Terrorists released from Gitmo in exchange for turncoat Bowe Bergdahl "Are not a threat to America". 

-  She also added that her husband Bill "Is no longer interested in other women!!!"

*****

California is still considering a bill that would require college students to give written consent before having sex. 

- Just what college students need...more homework!

- If a student doesn't want to have sex, they'll have to write an argumentative essay explaining their position. 

*****

Weight Watchers spokeswoman Jessica Simpson was so intoxicated she had to be helped out of a friends bachelorette party. 

- On the down side, the drinks came out to 107 Weight Watchers Points. On the bright side, she didn't drive so she avoiding getting 6 Points on her license. 

*****

Today is "National Root Canal Appreciation Day". 

- Not to be confused with tomorrow which is "National Gingivitis Appreciation Day".

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Empty Pockets?

In a TV interview last night, Hillary Clinton told Diane Sawyer that she and Bill were dead broke when they left the White House and even struggled to get mortgages. 

- It's tough when you need a nice house for the family and a totally tricked out bachelor pad for Bill. 

Hillary did admit that since leaving the Oval Office Bill has made over $200 million dollars giving speeches and that she also gives speeches for $5 Mil a pop.

- Something to keep in mind next time you get a letter from the Clintons asking for a 2016 campaign contribution.

- Ironically, Bill makes an amazing living just talking, while all his ex-girlfriends make an amazing living by keeping their mouthes shut.

***** 

A federal audit of VA Medical Centers showed that 57,000 veterans are still waiting for their first visit. 

- They were willing to die for their country...they just didn't realize it would be while waiting to see a damn doctor. 

- Meanwhile Bowe Bengdahl has had every medical test in the book on a U.S. army base in Germany. 

*****

A new study by Mass Mutual found that 51% of newlyweds think having a perfect wedding is more important than planning for the future. 

- Which makes perfect sense for Kim Kardashian and Kanye West since they know they have no future together. 

*****

Florida police caught a 70 year old couple having sex in the Town Square of a retirement community. 

- Hey, When the moment was right...he was ready! 

- The "event" happened about 4:30pm, giving a whole new meaning to "The Early Bird Special"

- Residents who witnessed the act said it was a nice break from watching alligators cruising the golf course. 

*****

Pope Francis met with the Israeli and Palestinian presidents in hopes of restoring peace talks. 

- It's sad when even the Pope doesn't have a prayer. 

- Up next: The Pontiff will try to negotiate peace between Alec Baldwin and anyone with a camera. 

*****

Rapper Lil' Kim gave birth to a daughter, whom she named "Royal Reign". The baby's daddy is a rapper named "Mr. Papers". 

- Looks like Blue Ivy & North West have a new playmate! 

- Lil' Kim is good friends with the Jackson Family so maybe someday "Royal Reign" can marry Jermaine's son, "Jermajesty". 

*****

The World's Oldest man has died at the age of 111 just two months after earning the title. Meanwhile there are 66 women in the world over the age of 111. 

- I sure hope they like younger men. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

OMG! The CIA On FB!

The CIA launched an official Facebook account over the weekend. 

- So far they have no "Friends" ...that we know of. 

- Their first post was of a cat named "Checkers". He also goes by the aliases: "Señor Fluffball", "Adolf Catler", & "Kitty Jong Un". 

*****

Freed POW Bowe Bergdahl, who is being "debriefed" in Germany, refuses to talk on the phone to his parents.

- His father is distraught saying, "For the love of Allah, somebody get my son on the phone!"

- It wouldn't even cost anything since the Bengdahl's have Bowe on their "Friends, Family and Terrorists" calling plan. 

*****

This week marks the 20th Anniversary of O.J. Simpson's infamous White Bronco police chase. 

- Whatever happened with that anyway? 

- O.J. will commemorate the event by letting the guards chase him around the prison yard...really slowly. 

*****

California Chrome lost his bid for the Triple Crown when he came in 4th in Saturday's Belmont Stakes. His owner blamed the loss on horse racing rules. 

- As opposed to the MSNBC sports broadcast team who blamed it on George W. Bush. 

*****

Mick Jagger spent the weekend with a mystery woman in a Swiss Hotel, but his spokesman says he is still getting over the recent suicide of his long-time girlfriend. 

- This proves that everybody "grieves" in their own way. 

*****

A report by a British Cardiologist claims that being morbidly obese will help people avoid a lot of diseases. 

- That's because you die of a heart attack so young, you don't have time to get anything else. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out Podcast #124 with Jackie, JoAnne, Gail & me! Click here to listen!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #124: "Of Heroes And Traitors".

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and a brand spanking new Podcast...#124! We recorded our latest offering on June 6th, the 70th Anniversary of the D-Day Invasion at Normandy. Being history buffs, Jackie and I share some personal memories of the trips we were lucky enough to take to visit those historic beaches. But wait...there's more! We also talk about:

- Detroit's own movie host Bill Kennedy, and his role as Joan of Arc's executioner in the Ingrid Bergman film... and the in-retrospect rather un-PC line he repeated over and over in the movie. 

- What it must have been like to live in previous centuries in terms of "hygiene"... (Did George Washington use Lemon Pledge to brush his teeth?) 

- The astounding fact that even today, less than 50% of people in India have indoor plumbing and how that actually leads to higher crime rates. 

- With the Bowe Bengdahl debacle... I'll tell you what I would have done instead of trading the 5 terrorists from Gitmo...that would have been a lot more fun and would have made EVERYONE happy! 

- How a certain former basketball owner may have ruined his Sterling reputation, but ended up laughing all the way to the bank. 

- And on this auspicious Anniversary, we send our deepest thanks to all of the men and women, through all the years, who have fought to keep America free. 

Have a great weekend...and I'll see you back here on Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

The #1 Reason NOT To Swim In The Ocean...

A survey by Charmin toilet paper found that 62% of Americans pee in the ocean to avoid filthy beach bathrooms. 

- So if the water around the guy your swimming next to turns from blue to green, it's not algae. 

- Now we know why whales throw themselves up on the beach. 

- This gives a whole new meaning to an "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny YELLOW Polka Dot Bikini". 

*****

A new book claims that Jackie Kennedy wanted to divorce JFK after she caught him having sex in the Oval Office. 

- Which time? 

- According to the book, "Camelot" was more like "Wham-Bam-Thank-You-M'am-A-Lot". 

*****

California Chrome drew the coveted number two post for Saturday's Belmont Stakes. 

- Despite the good news, he's still got a long face. 

*****

President Obama admitted the terrorist he traded for Bowe Bengdahl may attack us again someday. 

- Gee...Ya think? 

- The swap made good on his campaign slogan, "An Exchange You Can Believe In". 

*****

Vladimir Putin made what many consider sexist comments about Hillary Clinton. Vlad said that Hillary's negative comments about him "Show weakness...which is maybe not the worst quality in a woman." He added that "It's best not to argue with women". 

- That's the kind of thinking that got his last wife the house, the Kremlin, and half of Ukraine in their divorce. 

*****

An Indian woman claims she saw the missing Malaysian Jet while she was sailing. 

- She didn't mention whether it was flying or underwater at the time. 

- You can hear more of her story 24 hours a day, 7 days a week on CNN. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

Not Exactly Norman Rockwell...Butt Beautiful?

If anybody actually cares... We finally know what Kayne West gave his new bride Kim Kardashian for a wedding gift: An expensive, nearly nude portrait of Kim from behind, wearing only a G-String and high heels. It's called "Perfect B*tch". 

- And people say old-fashioned romance is dead! 

- Most of the money went to buy enough paint to capture Kim's butt. 

*****

As talk of a movie deal heats up, a new report claims that Bowe Bergdahl left a note in his Army tent saying he wanted to start a new life in Afghanistan. 

- The movie is tentatively called "Why Are We Saving Private Bergdahl???"

- He's getting the medical attention he deserves...at a VA Hospital in Arizona. 

*****

German Chancellor Angela Merkel missed a phone call from a friend who was competing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire". 

- Luckily, President Obama was tapping her phone at the time, but gave the wrong answer. 

*****

Pope Francis says people shouldn't substitute pets for children because it leads to bitterness in old age. 

- Especially cat owners...who's feline "friends" will pack them up and ship them off to a nursing home at a moment's notice. 

- Elderly dog owners will become bitter after Rover starts blowing through their money at Poker games. 

*****

A new study says Americans like to start a diet on a Monday. 

- Well today is Wednesday, so eat up! 

*****

Today is "Old Maid's Day". 

- Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger calls it, "Don't Forget To Get My Love Child's Mother A Card Day!"

- And to think of all the gifts Ann B. Davis would have gotten from the Brady Bunch if she'd just held on a few more days. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Baby Already Putting Drag On Marriage...

A bride and groom have come under fire after attaching their one month old daughter to the train of her mom's wedding dress.  

- Isn't the groom the one who's usually dragged down the aisle? 

- The Bride said she wanted to keep with tradition and wear "Something Old & Something Newborn". 

- I've heard of getting "dumped" at the Altar...but never by someone wearing Pampers. 

*****

Researchers at Howard Hughes University have located the gene that produces blonde hair in women. 

- They've named the gene "Clairol #57"

- I knew someone would get to the root of this eventually. (bada boom!)

*****

Google is spending $1 Billion on satellites that will bring internet service to the entire planet. 

- Don't believe me? Google it. 

- If you thought Santa and Mrs. Claus had the perfect marriage, just wait until the North Pole gets internet porn. 

*****

Fugitive Taliban boss, Mullah Omar, declared victory after exchanging one American POW for five high level Taliban detainees from GITMO.

- In fact he hung up a banner in Arabic that translated to: "Mission Accomplished!"

- Taliban leaders were so excited by the move they blew up thousands of balloons and suicide bombers. 

*****

Singer Chris Brown was released after 108 days in prison and vows to change his ways. 

- He figures if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. 

*****

Speaking of train wrecks...Police have located Miley Cyrus's $105,000 Maserati that was stolen from her home.

- Police say that, unlike Miley, the car is in perfect condition and barely has any miles on it.

- What kind of a Twerk steals a girl's car?

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A Pain In The Royal Behind???

After last weeks "wardrobe malfunction", Buckingham Palace hired a full-time aide to shield Kate Middleton's rear end from photographers.

- I'm okay with that...as long as they leave her sister Pippa's butt alone. 

- The Queen is said to be upset and literally has her panties in a bunch.    

*****

RIP...Ann B. Davis. The 88 year old actress best known for her role as the lovable housekeeper for the "Brady Bunch" died Sunday morning after a fall. 

- Her last words were "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia".

- On the bright side, if you're a housekeeper looking for a man, Sam the Butcher is now available. 

*****

Casey Kasem was rushed to a Seattle hospital by ambulance for medical treatment yesterday - but it wasn't easy. Casey's 2nd wife Jean, threw a pound of raw meat at his daughter Kerri (from his first marriage). A judge recently made Kerri his caretaker. 

- That's the last time Kerri will go over to Jean's house for a burger.  

*****

Prostitutes in Brazil are taking English lessons in preparation for the upcoming World Cup in which England will be playing. 

- So far they've learned two words: "Cash Only". 

- But isn't "Love" the Universal language?

- The lessons will come in handy with all the customers who just want to talk. 

*****

Google officially unveiled their self-driving car, which doesn't have a steering wheel or a brake pedal. 

- You can tell it was designed by men.  The car refuses to stop and ask for directions. 

*****

Melissa Etheridge married her longtime girlfriend in California over the weekend. 

- The wedding went off without a hitch until they got to the hotel and started arguing over who got to carry who over the threshold. 

*****

Donald Sterling caused quite a stir when he showed up for a service at a predominantly black church in LA on Sunday.  

- Church goers said the last white celebrity to attend services there was Michael Jackson. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out my latest Podcast (#123) with daughters Jackie (#2) and JoAnne (#4)! Click here to listen! 

-Dick