Purtan Podcast #123: "I Had A Few Of My Daughters Over For A Spell"

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Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #123! Today Jackie (Daughter #2) and I welcome JoAnne (Daughter #4) to the Purtan dining room table, along with a special two year old guest...Brayden...son of Julie (Daughter #6). Confused yet? I am. And it's my family! 

Here's just a sneak peak at our topics du jour: 

- The Scripps Spelling Bee that ended in a tie because they ran out of something very important.

- Brayden's impersonation of the announcer from "The Price Is Right!" 

- A new law under consideration in Europe that would permanently delete anything negative any person had every done or said from the Internet. (Think googling "Germany" and finding no mention of Hitler...or more importantly searching "Annoying People" and NOT having the Kardashian's show up).

- How Madonna got out of Jury Duty with a doctor's note. (Who knew being on penicillin could get you out of your civic duty?) 

- And do women accept lower pay because they're just happy to be at work and out of the house? 

We answer that question and more in Podcast #123! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here on Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick 

George Michael Falls And Goes "Wham!"

Singer George Michael was rushed to the hospital by ambulance after collapsing at his home in London. Paramedics were there for four hours before taking him in for treatment. 

- This is a change for George who usually passes out in his car waiting for the light to change. 

- George's boyfriend slept through the whole thing and later told paramedics "Next time...wake me up before you go go!"

*****

Donald Sterling says that despite reports to the contrary, the Clippers are not for sale. 

- He said he even wants to buy another team but so far the Harlem Globetrotters haven't returned his calls.

*****

50 Cent is being mocked on Twitter for throwing a terrible first pitch at a Mets game...with some people claiming he must have been on drugs. 

- Ya think??? 

- To be honest, his pitch wasn't that much worse than the Met's regular starter. 

*****

Hillary Clinton's publisher released an excerpt of her new book, "Hard Choices". 

- Are they sure that's not the name of Bill's new book? 

*****

A study by the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention says that most American kids are physically unfit. 

- Which makes it hard to help with the chores their parents can't do because they're physically unfit too. 

- They conducted the study by spending a day at Cedar Point. 

*****

An Indian court will rule whether a Hindu spiritual leader is dead or just laying really still. 

- I guess the whole "Have a doctor check his pulse thing" slipped their minds. 

- Thousands of men want to know the same thing about their wives every time they want to get randy. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

Gold Watch In Pope's Future???

Pope Francis told Vatican scholars that having a retired Pope could become normal at the Church, leading some to believe that in the future, he may give up the job like his predecessor Pope Benedict. 

- Apparently the Pope is very fond of the 12 Diciples, but he LOVES 18 holes of golf. 

- Francis is extremely popular...if he retires he's gonna leave a really big hat to fill. 

- The extra free time will allow him to enjoy the Early Bird Last Supper at the Vatican Denny's. 

- If he orders the fish, he'll eat for a day. But if someone teaches him how to fish he's set for life. 

*****

The Supreme Court struck down a law that bars executions of inmates with an IQ under 70. 

- So if any of the Kardashians turn violent, they could be hooking up with Old Sparky. 

*****

The Scripps Spelling Bee begins today at a hotel in Maryland. 

- Mey I b the furst two whish the contestaments goode luk! 

*****

A zoo in the Phillippines is offering massages given by Pythons. 

- And you thought your neck muscles felt tight now. 

*****

Madonna used a doctor's note to get out of jury duty in NYC. 

- The doctor's note said if she served, there was a good chance all the men on the jury would end up with a verdict and an STD. 

*****

A Stanford professor says that overpopulation will force humans to turn to cannibalism in the future. 

- So Charlton Heston was right when he said "SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!!!"

This story reminds me of an old joke... Two cannibals are sitting around a campfire having a bowl of soup. The one cannibal says to the other, "I have a confession to make. I never really cared for your brother." The other cannibal says, "So just eat the noodles!"

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Our Long National Nightmare Is Finally Over...

Kim Kardashian FINALLY became Mrs. Kanye West in a ceremony in Florence, Italy over the weekend. 

- Luckily, they had a nanny to watch their 11 month old daughter North West while they consummated the marriage.  

- Instead of "Til Death Do Us Part" Kanye vowed to stay with Kim "Until Yo Butt No Longer Looks Fat In Those Jeans". 

- There hasn't been this much hype over nothing since Geraldo Rivera did a live broadcast of the opening of Al Capone's Vault. 

- They're already registered at "Bed, Bath & Divorce". 

*****

Tennessee lawmakers voted to bring back the electric chair. 

- Death row inmates were said to be shocked by the news. 

*****

A judge in Iran has ordered Facebook creator and CEO Mark Zuckerberg to appear in court on charges that "Instagram" violates Iranian people's privacy. 

- He's got a point...I think pictures of your relatives being executed by the Iranian government for no reason should stay in the Family Photo Album where they belong. 

*****

Detroit's own Jeralean Talley celebrated her 115th Birthday Monday. She's the oldest living woman in America and credits her longevity to God. 

- And the loaded handgun she keeps under her pillow at night. 

- She spent the day reminiscing about the time she and her childhood girlfriend threw spitballs at President McKinley. 

*****

A Japanese company claims that eating their new cookies will make a woman's breasts bigger. 

- The cookies are sold under several different names: "Ore-Ohs!", "Not-So-Little-Debbie's" and "Lorna Doozies". 

*****

Scientists in the U.K. say that herring fish communicate by passing gas. 

- Making female herring the only "women" on the planet who DON'T wish their husbands would spend more time talking to them. 

- This disproves the common expression "Whoever 'Smelt' it, dealt it."

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Memorial Day 2014

It's Memorial Day...the unofficial beginning of Summer. More importantly, it's the day we honor those men and women who gave their lives so that we can live in Freedom. And what a beautiful weekend to commemorate their sacrifices - and the brave work being done today, and everyday, by those who serve in our Military.

In that spirit, I present some of my favorite Patriotic musical performances that I used to play on the radio show. Take a few minutes to enjoy...and remember what today is really all about! 

God Bless You...and God Bless America.

-Dick

"Heil Vladimir???"

Russia is demanding an apology after Prince Charles compared Vladimir Putin to Adolf Hitler. 

- In his defense, it's not like Putin has invaded Poland. Yet. 

- They're pretty different guys...Hitler wore a brown shirt and Putin wears no shirt. 

*****

The Huffington Post is backing a growing movement in the work force asking for paid "Menstrual Leave" for women.

- And also Bruce Jenner. 

- If they don't get it, the women will laugh, cry, get mad and accuse their boss of not loving them anymore...all in the span of an hour. 

*****

Some former NFL players have filed a class action suit against the league saying it routinely hands out prescription pain killers "like candy" during games to keep injured players on the field...leading to lifelong health problems including addiction. 

- It's so bad, some teams are changing their names, including the "Minnesota Vicodins".

John Madden says even NFL announcers are given free pain killers and injections before the broadcasts.  

- Well it is pretty painful being the announcer for the Lions. 

*****

A Tennessee man was arrested for trying to have sex with an ATM machine inside a local bar. 

- How drunk does a guy have to be to try to "drink an ATM machine pretty"???

- Hey...it's Tennessee. At least he wasn't trying to make moves on his sister. 

*****

Wheel of Fortune host Pat Sajak is under fire for calling global warming advocates "unpatriotic racists". 

- He was going to add the "F" word...but he didn't have enough cash to buy another vowel. 

*****

More than two thousand workers and supporters stormed the McDonald's headquarters in Illinois yesterday demanding a $15 per hour salary. 

- They basically want to "Super Size" the minimum wage.

- While police were busy arresting protestors, the Hamburglar made off with 50,000 dollars worth of Big Macs. 

*****

Pamela Anderson suffered a wardrobe malfunction at the Cannes Film Festival. 

- When DOESN'T she suffer a wardrobe malfunction?

- The whole thing was caught on tape...in really slooooowwww motion. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

Today is "Be a Millionaire Day"! According to Celebritynetworth.com, who's richer? 

Paul McCartney or Oprah Winfrey?                ...Oprah $2.9B, Paul $1.1B

Jerry Seinfeld or David Letterman?                ...Seinfeld $800M, Letterman $400M

Ryan Seacrest or Jimmy Buffett?                    ...Buffet $400M, Seacrest $250M

Elton John or Tom Hanks?                               ...Elton John $400M, Hanks $350M

So the answer's obvious! If you want to make a million yourself, just get into movies, music or TV. Or become a politician...you may not have your own, but you can spend Millions of other people's money! 

*****

On this day in 1310 shoes were made for both the right and left feet for the first time since the fall of the Roman Empire. 

- The time in between is known as "The Age Of Really Bad Dancers". 

- The most popular shoe at the time was the Uni-Sandal. 

*****

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West arrived in Paris to prepare for their wedding. Kim brought 12 suitcases. 

- That sounds like a lot until you realize each suitcase can only fit two or three pair of her underwear. 

- Kanye tried to pack light, but he couldn't fit his ego in a carry-on. 

*****

A new comic book is coming out that allegedly reveals "another side" of NSA leaker Edward Snowden. 

- Let me guess...it comes with a Secret Decoder Ring! 

- It's different than most comic books because unlike "Superman", people disagree whether he's the hero or the villain. 

*****

The NBA charged Donald Sterling with "damaging the league" and set up a June 3rd hearing to which owners can vote to terminate his membership. 

- Meanwhile Donald is busy giving interviews trying to whitewash the whole scandal. 

- His mistress V. Stiviano said, "You mean you're going to cut off his private parts???"  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Two Down And One (Maybe Not???) To Go...

California Chrome, the horse that won both the Kentucky Derby and this weekend's Preakness Stakes may not be able to go for the Triple Crown. CC wore nasal strips that help breathing during both winning runs, but they're illegal for horses at the upcoming Belmont Stakes in NY. 

-  When they told CC he couldn't run in the Belmont Stakes with the nose strip, he looked sad and had a long face. 

- The strips helped him win...because with his nose wide open, he didn't want to be Behind the other horses. 

*****

26 women in Italy who say they're involved in "loving relationships" with priests have asked Pope Francis to end the celibacy requirement so they can take their relationships public. 

- It takes a special woman to want a guy who sits around in his robe all day. 

- Sounds like some Priests have some confessing to do. 

*****

Godzilla was the big winner at the weekend box office, taking in $92 million. 

- A giant monster that stomps on people hasn't taken in that much cash since Congress voted itself another raise. 

*****

Michael Jackson appeared via hologram at last nights Billboard Music Awards, singing a song off the album he was working on when he died. 

- People said he looked so much more lifelike dead than when he was alive! 

*****

Argentinian researchers unearthed dinosaur bones from what could be the largest creature to ever walk the planet. 

- Officials at first thought the bones belonged to Michael Moore, but then they realized he's still alive. 

*****

A new poll on the Death Penalty found that 1 in 5 supporters prefer the gas chamber for executions. Meanwhile Oklahoma announced plans to find a method "That does the swiftest job of making someone feel dead on the inside". 

- Then it's decided. Put the guy in the execution chamber and make him watch "The Real Housewives of... (Pick a city!). 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out Podcast #122! Click here to listen!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #122: "Well HELLO Dolly!"

Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to the middle of May...although it certainly feels more like the middle of April. In our newest Podcast we talk of:

- The strange disappearance of Casey Kasem along with some funny personal stories about him. 

- How Alec Baldwin should wear his bicycle helmet ALL the time.

- What Dolly Parton revealed that she's been concealing all these years. 

- Why you should take your first date to a noisy bar or concert.

- And how despite Barbara Walters retirement from television...the world has continued spinning! 

You'll find all that and lots more in Podcast #122! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular Blog!

-Dick

Baldwin Bad Boy...Again!

Alec Baldwin was handcuffed and taken to the police station after he fought with cops trying to ticket him for riding his bike the wrong way on 5th Ave. in NYC. He later tweeted that New York is a "mismanaged carnival of stupidity". 

- Isn't that what he called his daughter on the telephone a few years ago? 

- Alec's bike seems to be going in the wrong direction...just like his career.  

*****

Due to the popularity of engagement ring selfies, the latest trend in plastic surgery is the "Hand Lift". Doctors inject patient's hands with a plumping agent to make them look years younger. It takes 10 minutes and costs $1200. 

- Which is more than most guys spend on the ring itself.  

- Grooms are also getting into the act...but they have the doctor put the "plumping agent" in an undisclosed location. 

*****

A new survey found that China is the most homophobic country in the world. 

- Their restaurants are even offering a new dish called "Moo Gay Guy Ban". 

- Some say that General Tso was gay...but was too Chicken to admit it. 

*****

The judge in Oscar Pistorius's murder trial has ordered that he undergo one month of psychiatric evaluation before the trial can continue. His lawyers say he's suffered lifelong anxiety from having his legs amputated. 

- I'm betting his girlfriend suffered a bit of anxiety while Oscar was shooting at her through that bathroom door as well.  

*****

A Study by the University of Queensland found that people who don't get too many "Likes" on their Facebook posts feel like they lead a less meaningful existence. 

- Hey, it's hard when your fake friends don't "Like" your posts! 

*****

A new law in Hawaii makes it illegal for cops to have sex with prostitutes. 

- This means they'll have two extra minutes per shift to hand out speeding tickets. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Casey Kasem Missing!

Legendary radio personality Casey Kasem is missing and a judge has ordered an investigation into his disappearance. The host of "American Top 40" and the voice of "Shaggy" on Scooby Doo is 82, unable to speak and is allegedly suffering from Parkinson's disease and/or dementia. His 3 children believe their step-mother Jean has either taken him out of the country or to an Indian Reservation. This is the continuation of a family battle over money, etc...

Casey is a friend and a great guy and let's hope the whole issue is settled soon for Casey's sake. 

*****

Beyonce's sister Solange was caught on a hotel elevator security camera kicking and punching Beyonce's husband Jay Z. Beyonce who was on the elevator during the assault just stood there and did nothing. 

- Hey...what family doesn't have it's occasional ups and downs...especially in an elevator? 

*****

GM is recalling 8,500 cars because of faulty braking systems. 

- So not only can't they stop recalling cars...they can't get the cars they're recalling to stop. 

*****

A new study in Germany claims that infertility is caused by chemicals found in soap and toothpaste. 

- It's also caused by NOT using soap or toothpaste because your better-half won't come near you. 

- Critics of the study point to Donald Sterling who has three children despite using Crest toothpaste...with Extra Whitening power! 

*****

The Wu Tang Rapper who cut off his own penis claims it's been re-attached and that he did it because he missed his teenage daughters. 

- The doctors reattached his, um, "manhood" using "This Guy Is Crazy Glue". 

*****

New York Prison officials assigned a personal chef to a cop on trial for cannibalism. 

- The chef knows just how he like his Frank 'n Beans. 

- And Shishka Bob's. 

- And Mack & Cheese. 

- The chef admits he sometimes uses canned products including "Manwich". 

*****

Two Pi Beta Phi sororities at Stanford and Dartmouth have changed or cancelled their annual All You Can Eat "Pi Phiesta" Taco Charity fundraisers because a handful of Latino students say it's racist. 

- Get out your hand baskets...I'm pretty sure this is proof the country's going to hell. 

- I don't understand this protest...It's not exactly "Hamburgers for Hitler". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Mommy's Dearest!

I hope you had a Happy Mother's Day! The whole Purtan family (which includes SIX moms - 5 of my 6 daughters and my wife Gail!) celebrated at my daughter JoAnne's. Combined, they've given birth to a total of 14 children! The girls had a great time...and so did the boys who were outside celebrating "Making Them Mothers Day".

*****

Today is Limerick Day.

- A National Holiday as declared by some man who once lived on Nantucket.

*****

In an interview with Anderson Cooper, set to air tonight, Donald Sterling publicly apologizes for his racist remarks and asks if he shouldn't be forgiven for "one mistake". 

- To prove how sorry he is, he says if allowed to keep the Clippers, he'll open up a special "Minorities Only" section in the arena. 

*****

After 50 years in television, Barbara Walters will sign off for good this Friday during her final appearance on "The View". 

- So now it will be up to someone else to tell us that Bruce Jenner is the Most Fascinating Person of 2014. 

*****

"BabyCenter" says that the most popular name for boys born in 2013 was Noah. 

- Especially among twin boys. 

*****

A new report says that doing Yoga can help victims of urinary incontinence control their urge to "go". 

- Especially if they're in the "Standing-On-Your-Head-So-Water-Flows-Back-Into-Your-Bladder" position. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #121: "My Wife Just Had Part Of Her Body Replaced..."

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #121!  Today Jackie, my wife Gail and I cover a wide range of topics that you "Kneed" to listen to: 

- The history of "Spooning"...and how Rapper's could work it into their lyrics.

- A frightening new study about men and their underwear.

- Another frightening study about divorcing a sick spouse...Are men or women more likely to leave? (Hint...the people who leave have a strange relationship with their underwear). 

- My recent awkward encounter with a woman who told me she has a crush on me.

And...

- If you find yourself in need of a knee replacement...the things your doctor WON'T tell you, but my wife Gail WILL! She just had her left knee replaced and she gives us the nitty gritty (or is that "Knee-ty Gree-ty" on what the operation and recovery entails!

So while Gail keeps working on bending her new knee, let us bend your ear with Podcast #121! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick 

HOT off the Presses!

On this day, May 8, 1945 WWII in Europe ended as we finally won the war against Germany. And today, May 8, 2014 it looks like we have finally won the war against WINTER!!!!!

Predicted high: 80!!!

*****

Today is NFL Draft Day. The Lion's have the 10th pick. 

- Could this be the year the Lions finally make it to the Superbowl??? Probably not!!!  (Vegas oddsmaker put the Lions at 60 to 1). 

*****

New excerpts from Monica Lewinsky's upcoming Vanity Fair article reveal that Monica had a hard time finding work after the scandal. 

- I would have thought she'd be a shoe-in for "Pizza Delivery Girl". 

- Even Mitch Ryder refused to hire her as a roadie on his "Devil With The Blue Dress On" Reunion Tour.

*****

A British hospital accidentally performed a vasectomy on a man who was in for a minor procedure. 

- The surgical nurse said, "It was no big deal. Really. It was no big deal". 

- I'd give you more details, but I just read a snipet of the story online. 

*****

Because it's so much cheaper in Mexico, an increasing amount of Americans are going there for Dental work.

- It's a great deal...especially if you don't mind spending a week or two in a Mexican jail. 

- So some of the same people who want to build a Fence to keep Mexicans out of America are going to Mexico to get a Bridge.

*****

The fake interpreter from Nelson Mandela's funeral is starring in an ad campaign for a new "video-sharing" app. 

- The most popular video shared, shows a fake interpreter at Nelson Mandela's funeral. 

*****

Donald Sterling's ex-mistress V. Stiviano says she's in the final stages of adopting two boys. 

- She's already bought them matching full-face visors. 

*****

Miley Cyrus denied that a drug overdose was the real reason she cancelled a lot of performances during her "Bangerz" tour. She insists it was allergies.

- In a related story, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford says he's in rehab due to smoking too much Pollen.

*****

 Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with an all-new Podcast...#121!

-Dick 

Monica Raps About Bill!

After a 10 year silence, Monica Lewinsky wrote an article for Vanity Fair detailing her relationship with Bill Clinton. Monica says "It's time to bury the blue dress", and that Hillary blamed herself for the affair. 

- So let me get this straight...Hillary won't take responsibility for Benghazi...but she takes responsibility for her husband's affair?

- Monica can't actually bury the blue dress since it's on display in the "Leisure Time" exhibit at the Bill Clinton Presidential Library. 

*****

UPS accidentally delivered a $350,000 Drone to a college student in Massachusetts. 

- Meanwhile, the folks at the Pentagon are enjoying the underwear, socks and cookie's the student's mom sent in her care package. 

- If they had just let the Drone fly itself, it would have gotten to the right address.

*****

A study of rapper's lyrics determined that Kanye West and Lil Wayne have the most limited vocabulary in rap.

- They only use "*^&%@#" and "%^&!"   as opposed to other rappers who use "*^&%@#", "%^&!", "#*&!*%" and "&!@".

*****

An Israeli company is perfecting a pill that treats constipation by vibrating through the body as it's digested.

- The pill will be either be called "Viber One" or "Meeeettttttaaaammuuuucccciiiiilllllllll". 

*****

The Hollywood Reporter says Sandra Bullock will star in a film about the invention of Tupperware. 

- She was late for the film's first press conference because she couldn't find the top that went with her bottom. 

- There hasn't been this much "burping" in a film since "Animal House".  

*****

Larry King told the "Today Show" that he's embarrassed by his old network CNN's 24/7 coverage of the missing Malaysian jet. He said "It's been six weeks and all we know is that it took a left turn". 

- Larry thinks the network should concentrate on more pressing issues like the search for Amelia Earhart's plane. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

"Waiter...There's A Guy In My Soup!"

Former Detroit City Council President Charles Pugh, who resigned in Sept. amidst charges that he gave money and video games to an 18 year old boy in exchange for nude videos, has a new job! He's working as a waiter at a restaurant in NYC. 

- He works at a Chinese restaurant called "Sum Yung Guy".

*****

Albany N.Y.'s first openly gay Bishop plans to divorce his husband after a 25-year relationship.  

- No word yet on who will get to keep the autographed picture of Liza Minnelli. 

*****

80's heartthrob singer Rick Springfield says he's set to release a new single.

- It's called "I Wish That I Had Jessie's Girl's Good Cholesterol Numbers". 

- At his age, Rick, who got his start on "General Hospital" will probably be checking into General Hospital soon for a prostate issue. 

*****

Coca Cola dropped an ingredient from it's Powerade sports drink that contained a flame retardant. 

- So from now on, when you you hear a guy at the gym say he can "really feel the burn", he's gonna mean it. 

- I enjoy a good flame retardant in my sports drink. It really helps with acid reflux. 

*****

A study by Michigan State University found that obese adults have poorer memories than their skinnier counterparts. 

- This explains why Michael Moore can't remember what he had for lunch. 

- If skinny people have such great memories, how come Paris Hilton can't remember to put on underwear? 

*****

The now former Mistress of Donald Sterling, V. Stiviano has sparked a fashion trend with the full face visor she wore to block the paparazzi. 

- It's the same visor she wore every time she had to have sex with Donald. 

- The visor comes in a rainbow of colors. Except black. 

*****

Medical experts say that the Polar Vortex we experienced here in Michigan is going to lead to an extra tough allergy season. 

- Even though it's May 6th (my Dad's Birthday!) it seems to me the Polar Vortex still has it's arms wrapped around us. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

It's Monday in Margaritaville!

It's Cinco de Mayo! Translated into English: "A Chance for Americans To Use A Mexican Historical Event As An Excuse To Get Drunk!"

*****

President Obama took his annual turn as a stand-up comedian at Saturday night's White House Correspondents dinner.

- He hasn't gotten that many laughs since he announced that the Obamacare website would make buying insurance "simple and affordable". 

- Joe Biden was there...although he had to sit at the kids' table with Sasha and Malia. 

*****

Speaking of Joe Biden...the VEEP gave the commencement address at Miami Dade College on Sunday. 

- The graduates were hoping to get someone more influential in the country, but Kim Kardashian was just too busy with last minute wedding plans. 

*****

Yesterday was "National Star Wars Day". 

- It's also known as "Guys-Who-Don't-Stand-A-Chance-In-Hell-Of-Ever-Getting-A-Girlfriend-Day". 

- LA Clipper's owner Donald Sterling threw a Star Wars Party, but told his mistress not to bring anyone dressed as Darth Vader. 

*****

V. Stiviano, girlfriend of Donald Sterling, told Barbara Walters that she doesn't believe he's a racist, and will always be his "silly little rabbit", in a TV interview where many people are saying she came off sounding like "an idiot". 

- I don't know which Sterling is more embarrassed about: Being labeled a racist or having the whole world know that he calls his mistress his "silly little rabbit". 

*****

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are teaming up for their first film together since "Mr. and Mrs. Smith."

- In keeping with "Diversity", the film will be called "Mr. & Mrs. Sanchez". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out my latest Podcast #120. Just click here to listen! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #120: "Dick, Gail & Jackie Talk Donald, Rob & George!"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the first weekend of May...and Podcast #120!  Today, my wife Gail, daughter Jackie and I offer up an All-You-Can-Listen-To-Buffet including:

- Donald Sterling and his "unusual" Mistress.

- How Jackie accidentally almost re-created the "plot" of an adult film, when she answered the door for the exterminator wearing...well, not much. 

- The theories behind George Clooney's engagement. (Yes...there are actually "theories" about it!)

- Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's astounding realization that he "might have a substance abuse problem". (You can't get anything by this guy!)

- People with Photographic memories. (Very helpful...but hard to post on Facebook!)

Plus...

-The night Jackie's chin turned purple and why...

- And another installment in what has somehow become a regular Podcast Feature... "Dick's Injury of the Week!"

So grab a lawnchair (and a blanket) and join us as we usher in a rather chilly May with Podcast #120.

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with the regular blog! 

-Dick 

May Day! May Day!

Every year on this day, I think back to something my dear, departed friend Charlie Krutsch used to say...

"Hurray! Hurray! The First of May! Outdoor... 'Romancing' Starts Today!"

*****

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has entered a drug and alcohol rehab facility after a video surfaced reportedly showing him smoking crack in his sister's basement last Saturday. Ford says he thinks he has a substance abuse problem. 

- Gee...ya think?  

- From now on, all his campaign speeches will start with, "Hi. My name is Rob..."

*****

Rumors are swirling that Oprah is interesting in buying the LA Clipper's. 

- And she's going to buy everyone in the audience of her next TV show a Basketball Team of their own!

- Donald Sterling wouldn't mind her owning the team...as long as she doesn't attend any of the games. 

*****

German Chancellor Angela Merkel arrives in America today and will spend tomorrow with President Obama at the White House. 

- Her voice is going to be so much clearer when she's secretly audio taped in the Oval Office instead of over the phone! 

- Michele Obama will serve a special German Lunch for Ms. Merkel consisting of a a Bratwurst made out of tofu and sunflower seeds. 

*****

A Harris Interactive Poll found that Frenchmen think sex is the key to happiness, and Frenchwomen say it's chocolate. 

- Experts reminded couples to use protection, or they could end up with a Baby Ruth. 

*****

Instagram pulled down photos of Rihanna because they say they showed too much skin.

- She should have put them on "Stripagram" where they belong.

*****

Following their arraignment at a Connecticut courthouse over a domestic dispute, Paul Simon and Edie Brickell denied rumors that their marriage is in trouble.

- As proof, Paul said, "I can still call her Betty...and she can still call me Al".  (The video of that song with Chevy Chase is still a classic.)

- The couple took some romantic selfies, but it'll take about a week for the Kodachrome pics to be developed. 

*****

A private Australian firm claims they've found the wreckage of the missing Malaysian Plane...7000 miles away from the current search area. 

- Sounds like somebody used "Mapquest"! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Donald Can't Duck Ultimate Penalty...

The NBA banned the LA Clippers' owner Donald Sterling for life as a result of the racist comments he made that were caught on tape. 

- This will free him up to watch the games in his family room and rest on his laurels as well as his hands on his stomach. 

*****

Michele Obama's two day hotel stay in China cost taxpayers $222,000. 

- That breaks down to $111,000 from Column A and $111,000 from Column B. 

- I had no idea the prices were so high at the Beijing Best Eastern. 

*****

Today, April 30, is National Honesty Day. 

- If you want to see how dishonest people are the rest of the year, just check out the profiles on Match.com. 

*****

Despite rumors of an impending engagement, Prince Harry and his girlfriend Cressida Bonas have broken up after two years of dating. 

- Apparently Cressida got tired of dressing up like Eva Braun every time Harry put on his Hitler uniform.  

- She's asked for privacy, and he's asked for the Charlie Sheen Suite at his favorite hotel in Vegas. 

*****

North Korea's Kim Jong Un told his military leaders that his goal is to beat the U.S. on the battlefield. 

- He also set a goal of becoming six feet tall but that's not gonna happen either. 

- For the time being, he'll just stick with his battle plan of executing all of his relatives. 

*****

Craig Ferguson announced that he's leaving his CBS late night talk show when his contract expires in December. 

- Is it just me or do late night shows change hosts more often than Bruce Jenner changes his face.?  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday. 

-Dick