Still Crazy After All These Years???

Paul Simon and his wife, fellow songwriter Edie Brickell, were in court yesterday after a domestic dispute during which one of them called 911. 

- It all started when Edie spotted Paul and a woman named Julia down by the school yard.

- Or maybe her name was Cecilia...

- The couple reportedly wants to make up calling the incident "Water under the Bridge Over Troubled Water."

- Apparently Paul shouldn't have answered Edie's question, "Does my hair look okay?" by saying, "You look like Art Garfunkel".

*****

The NBA will hold a press conference this afternoon to discuss their investigation into LA Clipper's owner Donald Sterling's racist comments. Sterling is heard on tape telling his mistress not to bring any black people to his games. 

- His mistress is half-black and half-hispanic so she's lucky...he allows her to come for the first half. 

*****

A team of scientists at Stanford University have located an "off switch" that shuts down neural activity in the brain. 

- They found the "off switch" in the brain of one D. Sterling of Los Angeles. 

*****

Australia's Prime Minister says that the search for the missing Malaysian Airliner will be expanded. 

- The search area will now include outer space and potholes. 

*****

A Broadway Producer is suing Valerie Harper for dropping out of his production and failing to tell him it was because she had brain cancer. 

- Well I think we've got a shoe-in for this year's "Humanitarian of The Year" Award!

*****

A British study found that men hang onto their underwear for an average of 7 years.

- Before you judge...remember that they turn it inside out about 3 and a half years in.

*****

A Tea Party member running against House Speaker John Boehner has been fired from his day job after running a political ad implying that Boehner suffers from Erectile Dysfunction. The TV spot used very graphic language and parodied the "When the Moments Right" ads from Cialis. 

- This explains why John Boehner always wants to hold Budget Meetings while sitting in a bathtub. 

*****

Have a great day...stay dry...and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

They're The Cops...And We're Getting Robbed!

Nearly two dozen Detroit Police Officers have been put on leave after a routine check revealed that they have outstanding arrest warrants against them. Most of them are from unpaid parking tickets. BTW...they're still getting paid. 

- This explains why the potholes haven't been fixed! All the cash is going to pay cops who are on the lamb! 

- This gives a whole new meaning to "Cops & Robbers". 

*****

George Clooney is engaged...again! This time to a British attorney who his rep says, "isn't some actress or someone in the entertainment industry...She's on George's level". 

- I had no idea George was a British attorney. 

- This is really gonna put a kink in his bromance with President Obama. 

*****

The National Enquirer has revealed that there was so much family-fighting over the recently deceased Mickey Rooney's body, that two separate funerals were held on the same day. The children from all 8 of his marriages are also fighting over his estate. It's valued at only $18,000. 

- A "Judge Hardy" will decide who gets what. 

- They may be fighting, but everyone in the family agrees Mickey left some pretty small shoes to fill. 

*****

Ukraine's Prime Minister says Russia is secretly trying to start World War III. 

- C'mon...Not even Edward Snowden thinks that's a secret. 

*****

Chase Bank is closing the accounts of hundreds of people who work in the adult film industry. 

- Apparently they don't like doing business with people who's checks aren't the only thing that bounce. 

- Adult film stars will now have to go back to stashing their money under the mattress.

- Of course some of them will just move their accounts to CitiGrope, uh, I mean, CitiGROUP. 

*****

Al Gore, who is still married to his estranged wife Tipper, confirmed that he is dating an environmental activist. 

- If they do get married, they're planning a romantic Honeymoon in Greenland. 

*****

On this day in 1789, the infamous "Mutiny" on the HMS "Bounty" took place at 5:20 in the morning. 

- So we know the EXACT TIME something happened on a wooden ship in the middle of the ocean two hundred and thirty years ago...but we still can't find that Malaysian Jet.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out Podcast #119. Just click here... Podcast #119

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #119: "What To Do Before You Cut Off Your Penis"

Click here to download Podcast

Hello and welcome to another fabulous Spring weekend in Michigan! (Yeah, right...) The temperature may not be so hot, but Podcast #119 is chock full of things to warm your cockles. Here's just a sample: 

- Why, if you're thinking of cutting off you're penis, you should really think it thru.

- Do Jihadi woman get 72 virgins like the men do? 

- Why getting one of KFC's "Chicken Corsages" for Prom should be on your Bucket List. 

 - How unbelievably bad (in our opinions) Will Ferrell's  "Anchorman II" movie really was. 

- My one experience with "Mary Jane" and how Jackie almost became engaged to a lamp. 

- True Hollywood "Dope Stories" from our special guest, Tom Delisle. 

And...

- Something I've done to make a foot injury more comfortable that has suddenly become a hot fashion trend among the "Beautiful People"!

There's lots more, so pour yourself a nice cool refreshing glass of hot coffee and warm up to Podcast #119!  (36:34).

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick 

"So THAT's What You Do All Day?"

Today is "Take Your Sons and Daughters to Work Day".

- Or as the NBA calls it..."The World's Largest Basketball Camp for Kids Day". 

- Kids refer to today as "Who Cares What My Dad and Mom Do...I Don't Have To Go To School Day!"

*****

A woman in Argentina claims Pope Francis called her to tell her it's okay for her to take Communion even though she's married to a divorced man. The Vatican won't confirm or deny the call, saying it was "a private conversation". 

- Well that kind of confirms it, doesn't it? 

- The woman said they didn't talk for long...Apparently his Holiness wasn't in the mood to Pontificate. 

*****

The IRS says that this year's Tax Revenue hit an all time high of $1.4 Trillion dollars. 

- Think about that the next time your car is almost swallowed by a pothole. 

*****

Mattel and Sony have teamed up to make a new movie based the iconic "Barbie" doll. 

- Where are they ever going to find an actress in Hollywood made out of plastic?

- They're hoping Dolly Parton will agree to play Barbie's Grandmother. 

*****

Hooters has a new FREE app for your phone that lets you earn points every time you visit, and even has a "Hooters Locator" for out-of-towners. 

- If a guy doesn't know how to locate a Hooter, he's too young to be in that restaurant anyway. 

*****

George Clooney and Las Vegas Casino mogul Steve Wynn got into a heated argument over drinks after Wynn said something negative about President Obama. Both guys admit that expletives flew. Wynn says George is great when he's sober, but when he drinks, he thinks he's Obama's BFF. 

- It could have been worse for Wynn...he could have been having drinks with Alec Baldwin. 

*****

The FAA says the teen who snuck into the wheel well of a plane and flew from San Jose to Hawaii will not be charged. 

- The teen says the wheel well wasn't comfortable...but had a lot more leg room than the seats in coach. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast...#119!

-Dick

More B.S. From The I.R.S.

The IRS has paid more that $2.8 Million in bonuses to employees with recent disciplinary problems, including over $1 million to workers who owe back taxes. 

- Well, yeah. They need the IRS bonus money to pay back all that money they owe the IRS! 

- Lois Lerner may have retired...but her spirit lives on. 

*****

A Canadian Pastor has begun holding services in a local strip club. 

- The collection baskets will be replaced by G-Strings. 

- If you plan on attending, keep in mind that there is a "Two Drinks of Communal Wine Minimum". 

*****

Oprah Winfrey's ex-stepmother says that behind her nice, caring facade Oprah is a tyrant and that her relationship with Gayle King is "bizarre" and "unhealthy". 

- Sounds like somebody's trying to push Oprah out of the 20,000 sq. ft. walk-in Closet! 

*****

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford says his reelection campaign is going great. 

- Which means he's got a total lock on the Crack Vote. 

*****

Beyonce and Jay Z announced that they will NOT be attending the upcoming nuptials of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West...but they did rent them a luxury yacht for their post-wedding getaway. 

- And what woman can't use an extra Dingy on her honeymoon? 

- The yacht was picked specifically for Kim and is named "Bottoms Up".

*****

Former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton says she won't discuss the sex of her unborn baby. 

- Meanwhile, her dad Bill says he'll discuss sex with anyone at anytime. 

*****

Today is Administrative Professionals Day...or as it used to be known, "Secretary's Day". 

- So make sure you remind your Administrative Assistant to pick up a nice gift for them self on their lunch hour... and to forge your signature on the card. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Wings, Wieners, & a Willie!

The Wings try to take a 2 to 1 lead over the Bruins in Game 3 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs tonight!  

Game Time: 7:30pm at the Joe.

GO WINGS!!!!!

*****

An American won the Boston Marathon for the first time since the '80's. 

- You could tell he was American by his name...Meb Keflezighi. 

*****

Joe Biden is visiting Ukraine to demonstrate America's commitment to easing tensions.

- Apparently Dennis Rodman was unavailable. 

- Instead of getting a shoe thrown at him like most politicians...Joe will just stick his own foot in his mouth. 

*****

A South African columnist says Oscar Pistorius learned to cry on the witness stand by taking acting lessons before his trial. 

- With his experience, he's bound to play the lead in the Prison production of "Annie Get Your Gun!"

*****

The Federal Government say it's approval of the sale of "Palcohol", a powder that you add water to to make liquor, was a mistake. 

- Too bad. It would have given a whole new meaning to a "Dry Martini". 

*****

A new study shows a huge increase in the number of middle aged people moving back in with their aging parents - not to take care of them, but because they can't afford to live on their own. 

- It's so embarrassing...now the middle aged people's 20-somethings have to move into their GRAND parents basements. 

- So now thousands of 80 year old fathers are staying up until midnight to make sure their 50 year old daughter makes her curfew. 

*****

Kraft Foods recalled 90,000 Oscar Mayer wieners that accidentally contained cheese. 

- If cheese is the worst thing that's in a hot dog, I say fire up the grill! 

- It could have been worse: We could have found out that Kraft had accidentally put hot dogs in the Velveeta. 

*****

The Rolling Stones released the schedule for their 50th Anniversary Tour. 

- And then immediately forgot where they put the schedule. 

- Each concert will open with their hit, "Hey, Hey, You, You, Get Offa My Lawn!"

- Concert promoters have asked female fans to refrain from throwing their Depends on stage. 

*****

81 year old Willie Nelson says he's about to receive a fifth degree black belt in Korean Martial Arts. 

- Well if anyone can smoke an opponent, it's Willie. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Queen To Spend 88th Birthday On Throne...

It's Queen Elizabeth's 88th Birthday today. 

- Or as Prince Charles calls it: "Is She EVER Going To Die? Day"

- One story said she was turning 87 and another 88...So obviously the Queen lies about her age. 

- At this point, the only "Family Jewels" she has any interest in are locked in the Tower of London. 

*****

Despite receiving a petition signed by over 250,000 Americans asking for Justin Bieber to be deported, the White House announced that they would not get involved. 

- Apparently Sasha and Malia have more input into the whole "Immigraton Issue" than we thought. 

- If they won't deport him...how about just deporting his music? 

*****

Larry Flint says that since 1983, he's sent each member of Congress a subscription to Hustler Magazine. 

- If you'd like to buy Barney Frank's collection, it's in "never-been-touched" mint like condition. 

- Well now we know what Congressman are doing to stay awake during those pesky filibusters. 

- One of the Supreme Court judges asked to borrow a copy from a Congressman saying, "I can't define pornography, but I bet I'd know it if you let me see it!"

*****

The National Confectioner's Association says that children ate over 90 million chocolate bunnies on Easter this year. 

- Outraging the people at PETCA...the People for the Ethical Treatment of Chocolate Animals. 

*****

A New Jersey man was shocked to receive a jury duty notice addressed to his dog. 

- He's got a big dog, so if he gets picked it's gonna be one hung jury. 

- They're already making a movie about it called, "Twelve Angry Dober-Men". 

- There was a dog on another famous jury. It was known as "Rover v. Wade". 

*****

A study by Career Fast found that "lumberjack" in the worst job in the world, because it's dangerous and there's falling demand for service. 

- Isn't the whole point of their "service" to make things fall down? 

- Being "Linsday Lohan's Drug Counselor" came in a close second. 

*****

The Wu Tang rapper that cut off his own penis was said to be high on PCP at the time of the incident. 

- His manager says he will go back to performing but will change his name to "Used-To-Be-Biggie-Now-Small". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #118: "Here Comes Dickie Cottontail..."

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to Easter Weekend and Podcast #118! Here's what the Easter Bunny (along with Jackie and special guest Tom DeLisle) has in his basket for you this week: 

- How Al Pacino's looks and voice have changed so dramatically since "The Godfather" days.

- Bruce Jenner's "Chesticles" (He could be a Victoria Secret Model...)

- Why is the world obsessed with the Kardashians?

- Speaking of big butts...We'll tell you a funny story about how Nipsey Russell once described a beauty pageant contestant on live TV. 

- How Greta "I Vant To Be Alone" Garbo used the produce section of a grocery store to exchange secret messages with a certain actor. 

- Jimmy Durante's surprise call to Dick's father-in-law and how it came about. 

- The average yearly salaries for Detroit's Professional Sports Teams - The winners and the losers. 

- The new Michigan Football broadcast team and who Dick thinks is the hardest working man in on-air play-by-play coverage. 

- Dick's discovery of a mysterious Aunt named "Flo" that no one in his family EVER mentioned. 

- The most famous movie OF ALL TIME. 

- How our special guest Tom Delisle came to meet Elvis and the secret system the "Memphis Mafia" used to make sure the King of Rock 'n Roll met only the "hottest babes". 

- And which of Elvis's co-stars became a nun after working with him. (And still is!) 

There's plenty more, but we don't want to put all of our Podcast "Eggs" in one Blog Basket! 

So hop on down the Bunny Trail and tune in to Podcast #118!  (45:30)

-Dick

Lions Losers At Bank And On Field...

According to Sporting Intelligence and ESPN the Magazine, here are the average Detroit Professional Sport Teams yearly average salaries: Tigers: $5.8 million ; Pistons: $4.1 million; Red Wings $2.5 million & Lions $1.9 million. 

- It's obvious the Lions' players need two things: Better sports agents and to win a game every now and then. 

*****

During a live Q&A session on a Russian news program, NSA leaker Edward Snowden asked President Vladimir Putin (via video) if Russia spies on it's millions of citizens. Putin said that unlike the US, Russia has laws that forbid such invasions of privacy. 

- So apparently, he has no problem invading other countries property, but he draws the line at invading people's privacy. 

- I haven't seen two more trustworthy guys talking together since Kwame Kilpatrick and Bobby Ferguson got together. 

*****

On the heels of her resignation (firing?) as the Secretary of Health and Human Services over "gross incompetence" of the Obamacare rollout, Kathleen Sebelius says she's mulling a run for the Senate. 

- Doesn't "gross incompetence" make her a little over qualified to run for Senate? 

- Experts don't expect her to come up with too much campaign cash since she's asking for donations to be made online. 

*****

A rapper associated with the 90's band "Wu Tang Clan" is in the hospital after cutting off his penis and jumping off a second-story balcony. 

- When he wakes up and finds his penis missing, he's gonna wish he'd jumped from a higher floor. 

- I thought "Wu Tang Clan" was a noodle dish at "P.F. Changs". 

*****

A 12 year old girl and a 13 year old boy have become Britain's youngest parents. 

- I think we've found the next winners of "Britain's Got Talent".

- The girl said the delivery was pretty easy since she'd just learned about "contractions" in 6th grade English class. 

- All three of them are registered at "Toys R Us". 

*****

"The View" is saluting Barbara Walters retirement by bringing back all 12 hosts from over the years. 

- They already ran into trouble when Rosie O'Donnell accidentally sat on Whoopi's Cushion. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast...#118!

-Dick 

Talk About "Mad Men"!

Psychologists at Oregon State University say that men become more unhappy after they hit age 70. 

- They do have occasional periods of happiness, but if the happiness lasts for more than 4 hours they have to go to immediately to the hospital.  

- This applies to everyman over 70...with the possible exception of Hugh Hefner. 

*****

Miley Cyrus was reportedly hospitalized for an allergic reaction to antibiotics. 

- Usually, it's Miley's boyfriends who end up on antibiotics. 

- The doctor who asked her to stick her tongue out and say "ah" was knocked unconscious. 

*****

President Obama and Vladimir Putin had another dispute yesterday. 

- They agreed on everything about Ukraine, but disagreed on whether or not it should be a "shirts on or off" video-call. 

*****

The U.S. Military began an "underwater" search for the Malaysian plane using a special submersible vehicle. 

- Nothing on the plane yet, but radar shows something that looks a lot like Jimmy Hoffa. 

*****

A lock of Napoleon Bonaparte's hair was stolen from a museum in Australia. 

- Curators say it will be easy to identify because the hair contains traces of "Just For French Dictators". 

- What was his hair doing in Australia? I thought he lost everything in Waterloo. 

- No one knows which side of his head the hair came from, but experts agree Napoleon always Bona-parted it on the right side. (ba-da-boom) 

*****

US Airways apologized again for Tweeting a picture of a naked woman in response to a customer complaint. 

- I don't know why they're apologizing...once he got the naked pic, the customer stopped complaining. 

*****

MSNBC Host Laurence O'Donnell suffered mild injuries after getting hit by a Taxi while on vacation. 

- Usually, MSNBC hosts come back from vacation and get hit by a pink-slip. 

- What's most shocking is that there actually are Republican Taxi drivers. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Between Taxes and The Weather...We're Gettin' Snowed!

It's official! The 3.1 inches of snow that fell across Metro Detroit overnight brought this winter's total to 94.8 inches. That breaks the old record of 93.6 inches set back in 1880-1881. 

-  A lot of people blame this year's snow and cold weather on Global Warming...Remember the good old days when we blamed it all on Canada? 

*****

It's Tax Day! 

- The day we get to pay the Federal government for everything they didn't do last year. 

- Why bother sending in the tax forms...the NSA already told the IRS what we owe anyway. 

*****

KFC is selling an edible corsage just in time for prom season. 

- It comes in two styles: Mild or Extra Spicy depending on what kind of girl you think she is. 

- It's the first corsage made with a secret blend of eleven herbs and spices. 

*****

After Palm Sunday Mass, Pope Francis hopped off the Pope-Mobile to snap selfies with young people. 

- He took the pics using his iPope. 

- He posted them on Facebook...and if you're smart, you'll "Like" every one of 'em. 

*****

A Sacramento man is facing charges after he tried to open a door during a Southwest Airlines Flight. 

- Apparently he thought he was flying "Malaysian Air". 

*****

"Captain America" was the big winner at the box office for the second straight week.

- And "Uncle Sam" was the big winner today for the 101st straight year since Federal Taxation became the law of the land in 1913. 

*****

Oscar Pistorious now claims he didn't fire 4-bullets through a locked bathroom door in "self-defense" against an intruder, but instead, it was an "accidental involuntary action".  

- This guy changes stories more often than Obamacare changes deadlines. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Potholes, Snow & Underpants...

This is the week the Michigan Legislature votes on where the $115 Million they have earmarked for Pothole repairs in the State will go. 

- I have a sinking feeling my neck of the woods isn't gonna make the cut. 

- Talk about "Potluck"!

*****

The National Library Association published it's annual list of most-complained about books at schools and libraries. It included the kid favorite "Captain Underpants" picture book series at #1, and "Fifty Shades of Grey" at #4. 

- Isn't the lead character in "Fifty Shades of Grey" named "Captain Underpants"? 

- Meanwhile Anthony Weiner has filed a lawsuit against the author of "Captain Underpants" for trademark infringement. 

*****

Hillary Clinton dodged a shoe thrown at her by a woman during a speech in Las Vegas. 

- This explains why you always see one shoe on the side of the freeway. The other one was thrown at a politician. 

- Bill wasn't with Hillary at the time...While she was playing "Duck", he was playing "Goose". 

*****

A group of scientists have found a way to grow a vagina in a laboratory. 

- Susan Sarandon and Rosie O'Donnell have already been signed to perform in "The Laboratory Created Vagina Monologues".

***** 

U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius has resigned after her mishandling of the Obamacare rollout. 

- I was going to send her an email wishing her luck, but she has no idea how to get on the internet. 

*****

The family of Oscar Pistorious' girlfriend says the disgraced sprinter is "a liar and a killer". 

- You're not gonna believe this, but it made Oscar cry.

*****

Speaking of crying...We're supposed to get 1 to 2 inches of snow over the Metro area tonight. 

- This winter has lasted longer than Morley Safer's career on 60 Minutes. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #117: "Hot Seat For Col-bert"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and a brand new "Pothole Podcast"...#117!

Today's offerings include: 

- How and what Stephen Colbert will do when he takes over for David Letterman in 2015.

- Taylor Swift's parents big "takeover" of her career.

- "Throw-Back Thursdays"... What are they?

- What 93 year old Mickey Rooney's estate was worth when he died and who he didn't want to be buried near. 

And finally...

- Great news for men who are into older (and I mean much older) women!

Plus lots more in Podcast #117!   (28:11)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog...

-Dick 

Julia Louis-Undressed??? Shut! Up!

Former Seinfeld star Julia Louis-Dreyfuss has posed nude for the new cover of Rolling Stone. 

- After seeing the cover, her former co-star Michael "Kramer" Richards had two words: "I'm out!"

There is a glitch in the cover pic... Julia's back is covered in a tattoo of the U.S. Constitution complete with John Hancock's signature. Problem is, Hancock didn't sign the Constitution, he signed the Declaration of Independence. 

- If you can't trust a tattoo artist to know American history, who can you trust???

*****

In Great Britain, a screening of the movie Noah was cancelled after the entire theater suffered a flood. 

- The theater manager made it out safely...along with two Gummy Bears, two Marshmallow Peeps and a box of Animal Crackers. 

- Some theater employees were helped out of the flood by two Jolly Ranchers and Mike & Ike. 

*****

Hillary Clinton will release her latest memoir on June 10th. The book will focus on her time as Secretary of State but the title of the book has yet to be picked. 

- Insiders say Hillary already rejected two titles: "Benghazi: What Difference Does It Make?" and "I'm Not The First Secretary My Husband's Been With".

*****

Alec Baldwin is once again being accused of homophobia because of a recent Twitter rant. 

- Luckily, Alec doesn't have a job right now so he doesn't have to get fired again.

*****

Sweden is experimenting with a 6 hour work-day schedule in an effort to create a healthier, happier, workforce. 

- Swedish men already get to work with Swedish women...how much happier can they get? 

- We have a similar short work-day experiment going on in this Country as well. It's called "Congress". 

*****

Taylor Swifts parents, who are separated, have reportedly fired almost all of Taylor's management team in an effort to control her career. 

- Taylor plans on regaining control by breaking up with her parents and writing a hit song about it. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast (#117) featuring former "Purtan's Person" Tom Delisle! 

-Dick 

Don't Forget To Tip Your Waiter...And His Car!

San Francisco police are trying to determine who is responsible for a rash of flipped over Smart Cars. 

- Police are on the lookout for three-year olds with Red Bull in their Sippy cups. 

- If the cars are so "Smart"...how come they keep letting themselves get flipped over? 

- I remember when "Car Tipping" was something you did when you handed your keys to the valet. 

*****

Kirstie Alley is joining Jenny Craig...as a Client...10 years after serving as their spokesperson. 

- She chose Jenny Craig after weighing all her options and the scale broke. 

*****

A second report has surfaced claiming that Al Sharpton was a paid informant for the FBI against the Mob in the 80's. He admits wearing a wire at several Mafia restaurants...but says he wasn't a rat. 

- The FBI says they didn't get any good info from Sharpton since his gold medallion shorted out the wire. 

- He may have been a snitch...but you gotta admit he was one snappy dresser!

*****

Barbara Walters has announced that she's leaving "The View" in May. 

- Rumor has it she's going to "60 Minutes" to help bring in a younger audience. 

*****

A study at Brandeis University found that forgiving yourself is the key to living longer. 

- It seems to work for everybody, except for one group: Suicide bombers. 

*****

Oscar Pistorious said his girlfriend "felt loved" the night she died.

- Apparently that part happened right before she "felt dead". 

- He said he would send her somewhere she'd never been before and he did. The morgue. 

*****

Rob Lowe says there's a bias in show business against good looking people. 

- So I'm guessing Rob's never seen an episode of "Duck Dynasty". 

*****

RIP... My good friend - the incredibly funny John Pinette. John died over the weekend at the age of 50...much too young. He will be missed. 

I'll see you back here Thursday...

-Dick 

Ortiz Tries To Get Weathy Off Selfie...

The White House has banned "selfies" after Boston Red Sox slugger David Ortiz sold one he took with President Obama to Samsung, who used it as a promotion for their new phone. 

- At least Ortiz didn't include his bat in the picture like Anthony Weiner always does. 

- What better way to showcase the President's love of America's Favorite Pastime than on a S. Korean phone. 

*****

Paintings by George W. Bush have gone on display at his presidential Library.  

- The best one is of the President's now deceased dog Barney playing Poker. 

- He's gotten great reviews for his "Still Life". It was based on a cell phone pic of Dick Cheney's friend right after he shot him in the face. 

*****

George Strait and Miranda Lambert were the big winners at last night's Country Music Awards. 

- There haven't been that many people in one place who've lost their job, dog and pick-up since last year's Kentucky State Fair. 

*****

Today is National Beer Drinking Day. 

- This is the day when overweight men across America really go to work on their Six-Pack Abs. 

- National Beer Drinking Day is also known by another name..."College". 

*****

David Letterman's announcement last week that he will retire in 2015 has TV execs buzzing about who will replace him. 

- Jay Leno is already working on his opening monologue. 

*****

Bill Maher says there really is a "Gay Mafia", and that if you cross them, you get whacked. 

- And if you don't get whacked, you get dinner and an evening of dancing!

- Police can tell if the Gay Mafia ordered a hit, because the guy is found at the bottom of the river wearing expensive designer cement shoes. 

*****

RIP...Mickey Rooney. The pint-sized actor who, along with his co-star Judy Garland, was one of MGM's biggest box office attractions in the '30's and 40's has died at the age of 93. In addition to his acting, Rooney was known for his marriages - there were 8 in all, including one to Ava Gardner. 

- One film historian said, "Mickey leaves some pretty small shoes to fill". 

- He will be buried after a short service. (Bada Boom!)

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday. 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #116: "From Keener To Weiner..."

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and another "Pothole Podcast"! (#116 - 39:42)

On tap today: 

- My problem with Jimmy Fallon as host of the Tonight Show. 

- How I ended up taking the job at Keener 13 (after turning it down twice) and how a fist fight between two jocks in the studio led me to take over the morning show ahead of schedule. 

- The incredible Life & Death story of Keener newsman Ed Mullen...including how he died and actually lived to tell about it! 

- Why the PC world we live in is a real bummer. 

- Who's got the best Chicken sandwich...McDonald's or Burger King. And which one I'd cross the road to get to. 

- How Anthony Weiner "popped up" in the news...again...and why I think the guy getting the press should be the incredibly talented Seth McFarland from "The Family Guy". 

- How I almost bought Hitler's Globe...and did buy Clark Gable's personal script from "Gone With the Wind". 

All that and lots more in Podcast #116. I know it's a lot to take in, but you can always listen to it again tomorrow. After all...Tomorrow is another day! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick 

Clinton: Aliens Exist! (And Not Just The Ones In Congress)

Former President Clinton admitted in an interview that he believes in the possibility of aliens, telling Jimmy Kimmel that "If we were visited someday, I wouldn't be surprised". 

- The female aliens will, however, be surprised when they get "probed" by Bill Clinton. 

- Most people believe that just looking at Cher and the men on "Duck Dynasty" proves the aliens are already here. 

*****

A new study shows that Americans trust the NSA and the IRS with their personal information more than they trust Google and Facebook. 

- Of course the NSA and IRS get most of our personal information from Google and Facebook so it's pretty much a wash. 

*****

President Obama says that 7.1 million Americans signed up for heath insurance online, but critics say the number is "grossly inflated". 

- "Grossly inflated"...That's how Marie Osmond describes herself on the commercials before she lost 50 pounds on Nutrisystem!  

*****

The new trend on social media is the after-sex-selfie. 

- How is a guy supposed to take a picture of himself when he's sound asleep? 

- For people without a partner, the shots are called "After-Sex-With-My-Selfies". 

*****

Willie Nelson's pet Armadillo was returned after being kidnapped. 

- Willie said he hopes whoever took the Armadillo spends a lot of time in the joint...or smokes a lot of joints. It was one of those. 

- Turns out the Armadillo wasn't kidnapped...it just got the munchies and it was a long walk to Taco Bell. 

*****

80 year old "Today Show" star Willard Scott married Paris Keena, his girlfriend of 11 years on Monday. 

- Willard says he hopes they both live long enough for him to wish her a "Big Smucker's Jelly Happy Birthday" when she turns 100! 

*****

New Jersey police have begun ticketing people who are caught behind the wheel eating and driving. 

- Apparently putting on mascara is okay, but eating a burger...not so much. 

- So instead of donut shops, cops will now be hanging out at restaurants with drive-thrus. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast! (#116)!

-Dick

Holy Moses...Is This Really The Holy Grail?

A pair of historians claim to have found the Holy Grail - the cup Jesus reportedly used during the Last Supper - at a Church in Spain. The chalice has been dated back to the time that Jesus walked the earth. The original cup was made of onyx (the brown bowl part) and sometime later was encased in jeweled encrusted gold.  

- Some archeologists are suspicious, saying  the "Dishwasher & Microwave Safe" stamp on the bottom seems a bit off. 

*****

Another twist in the missing Malaysian airliner story... Now Government officials have revised the last words transmitted before Flight 370 went off the grid. They now say instead of, "All right, good night." the actually words were "Good night, Malaysian three-seven-zero." 

- Apparently their PR guy is the same one who handled the Benghazi talking points. 

- There haven't been this many plot twists since "As The World Turns" was on the air. 

*****

James Clapper, the Director of National Intelligence, has admitted that despite denials by the White House, the NSA did spy on American citizens emails, social media posts and phone calls. 

- So it's true! The government does have your recipe for low-fat meatloaf! 

- No wonder I never got the money from that guy in Nigeria! The NSA stole my email and my 6 million dollars!

*****

A 68 year old man was arrested in a Virginia National Park for pleasuring himself while doing yoga, then throwing a dead animal at a passing car, then going back to yoga and pleasuring himself again. 

- I thought Yoga was supposed to calm you down! 

- I was totally okay with the story until I read about the throwing the dead animal part. 

*****

A parrot - this is true - has been moved out of public view at a Garden & Animal Center in Great Britain after it began repeatedly spewing expletives at customers and their kids. 

- There's a Soupy Sales' parrot joke in there somewhere...

*****

Speaking of Soupy Sales, scientists at The Ohio State University say that humans are capable of making 21 different facial expressions. 

- Except for Joan Rivers and Bruce Jenner who can only make one a piece.  

- One of the expression is labeled "The You Gotta Be Kidding Me Face" which popped up when people found out they had to refer to OSU as THE Ohio State University. 

*****

French farmers are feeding their cows red wine to make the meat more tender. 

- This is gonna make "Cow Tipping" a whole lot easier. 

- Farmers are also feeding wine to chickens...but of course it's white wine since it goes so much better with poultry. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

My Last Blog...

IT'S APRIL FOOLS DAY! Or as Mark Twain famously said:

"This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four."

*****

So what's considered the best April Fool's Prank of all time??? 

On April 1, 1957 the British news show Panorama broadcast a three-minute segment about a bumper spaghetti harvest in southern Switzerland. The success of the crop was attributed both to an unusually mild winter and to the "virtual disappearance of the spaghetti weevil." The show's highly respected anchor discussed the details of the spaghetti crop as viewers watched video footage of a Swiss family pulling pasta off spaghetti trees and placing it into baskets. The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest hoax generated an enormous response. Hundreds of people phoned the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this query the BBC diplomatically replied, "Place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best." 

*****

Congrats to the Tigers for winning their home opener against the KC Royals 4-3! 

*****

Comic book hero Batman turns 75 today. 

- He's still behind the wheel of the Batmobile, but it's left-turn signal is always on and he goes 45mph on the freeway. 

- At his age, he needs Viagra to use the Bat Pole. 

*****

China announced plans to cover the world in surveillance cameras. 

- The program is known as "Moo Goo Spy Cam". 

- Wouldn't it be cheaper to just hack into the NSA's video system? 

*****

Lady Ga-Ga was caught using the men's room at a Broadway theater during a break in the show "Of Mice and Men".

- Luckily Rosie O'Donnell and Rachel Maddow were standing by the stalls at the time and told her she was in the wrong bathroom. 

*****

Grandparents are being told by the USDA to read "Government Bedtime Stories" to their Grandkids to encourage them to eat healthy. 

- Some of the Government stories include: "I Love You Only This Much...Because Portion Control is Important!", "Curious George Got In Big Trouble For Eating a Cookie!" and "Green Eggs & Ham Will Give You a Heart Attack Someday". 

*****

Some Deaf People in California who were given a special number to call to sign up for Obamacare were instead directed to a Phone Sex line. 

- If they thought the sex line was expensive, wait until they see their health care premiums. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick