Purtan Podcast #122: "Well HELLO Dolly!"

Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to the middle of May...although it certainly feels more like the middle of April. In our newest Podcast we talk of:

- The strange disappearance of Casey Kasem along with some funny personal stories about him. 

- How Alec Baldwin should wear his bicycle helmet ALL the time.

- What Dolly Parton revealed that she's been concealing all these years. 

- Why you should take your first date to a noisy bar or concert.

- And how despite Barbara Walters retirement from television...the world has continued spinning! 

You'll find all that and lots more in Podcast #122! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular Blog!

-Dick

Baldwin Bad Boy...Again!

Alec Baldwin was handcuffed and taken to the police station after he fought with cops trying to ticket him for riding his bike the wrong way on 5th Ave. in NYC. He later tweeted that New York is a "mismanaged carnival of stupidity". 

- Isn't that what he called his daughter on the telephone a few years ago? 

- Alec's bike seems to be going in the wrong direction...just like his career.  

*****

Due to the popularity of engagement ring selfies, the latest trend in plastic surgery is the "Hand Lift". Doctors inject patient's hands with a plumping agent to make them look years younger. It takes 10 minutes and costs $1200. 

- Which is more than most guys spend on the ring itself.  

- Grooms are also getting into the act...but they have the doctor put the "plumping agent" in an undisclosed location. 

*****

A new survey found that China is the most homophobic country in the world. 

- Their restaurants are even offering a new dish called "Moo Gay Guy Ban". 

- Some say that General Tso was gay...but was too Chicken to admit it. 

*****

The judge in Oscar Pistorius's murder trial has ordered that he undergo one month of psychiatric evaluation before the trial can continue. His lawyers say he's suffered lifelong anxiety from having his legs amputated. 

- I'm betting his girlfriend suffered a bit of anxiety while Oscar was shooting at her through that bathroom door as well.  

*****

A Study by the University of Queensland found that people who don't get too many "Likes" on their Facebook posts feel like they lead a less meaningful existence. 

- Hey, it's hard when your fake friends don't "Like" your posts! 

*****

A new law in Hawaii makes it illegal for cops to have sex with prostitutes. 

- This means they'll have two extra minutes per shift to hand out speeding tickets. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Casey Kasem Missing!

Legendary radio personality Casey Kasem is missing and a judge has ordered an investigation into his disappearance. The host of "American Top 40" and the voice of "Shaggy" on Scooby Doo is 82, unable to speak and is allegedly suffering from Parkinson's disease and/or dementia. His 3 children believe their step-mother Jean has either taken him out of the country or to an Indian Reservation. This is the continuation of a family battle over money, etc...

Casey is a friend and a great guy and let's hope the whole issue is settled soon for Casey's sake. 

*****

Beyonce's sister Solange was caught on a hotel elevator security camera kicking and punching Beyonce's husband Jay Z. Beyonce who was on the elevator during the assault just stood there and did nothing. 

- Hey...what family doesn't have it's occasional ups and downs...especially in an elevator? 

*****

GM is recalling 8,500 cars because of faulty braking systems. 

- So not only can't they stop recalling cars...they can't get the cars they're recalling to stop. 

*****

A new study in Germany claims that infertility is caused by chemicals found in soap and toothpaste. 

- It's also caused by NOT using soap or toothpaste because your better-half won't come near you. 

- Critics of the study point to Donald Sterling who has three children despite using Crest toothpaste...with Extra Whitening power! 

*****

The Wu Tang Rapper who cut off his own penis claims it's been re-attached and that he did it because he missed his teenage daughters. 

- The doctors reattached his, um, "manhood" using "This Guy Is Crazy Glue". 

*****

New York Prison officials assigned a personal chef to a cop on trial for cannibalism. 

- The chef knows just how he like his Frank 'n Beans. 

- And Shishka Bob's. 

- And Mack & Cheese. 

- The chef admits he sometimes uses canned products including "Manwich". 

*****

Two Pi Beta Phi sororities at Stanford and Dartmouth have changed or cancelled their annual All You Can Eat "Pi Phiesta" Taco Charity fundraisers because a handful of Latino students say it's racist. 

- Get out your hand baskets...I'm pretty sure this is proof the country's going to hell. 

- I don't understand this protest...It's not exactly "Hamburgers for Hitler". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Mommy's Dearest!

I hope you had a Happy Mother's Day! The whole Purtan family (which includes SIX moms - 5 of my 6 daughters and my wife Gail!) celebrated at my daughter JoAnne's. Combined, they've given birth to a total of 14 children! The girls had a great time...and so did the boys who were outside celebrating "Making Them Mothers Day".

*****

Today is Limerick Day.

- A National Holiday as declared by some man who once lived on Nantucket.

*****

In an interview with Anderson Cooper, set to air tonight, Donald Sterling publicly apologizes for his racist remarks and asks if he shouldn't be forgiven for "one mistake". 

- To prove how sorry he is, he says if allowed to keep the Clippers, he'll open up a special "Minorities Only" section in the arena. 

*****

After 50 years in television, Barbara Walters will sign off for good this Friday during her final appearance on "The View". 

- So now it will be up to someone else to tell us that Bruce Jenner is the Most Fascinating Person of 2014. 

*****

"BabyCenter" says that the most popular name for boys born in 2013 was Noah. 

- Especially among twin boys. 

*****

A new report says that doing Yoga can help victims of urinary incontinence control their urge to "go". 

- Especially if they're in the "Standing-On-Your-Head-So-Water-Flows-Back-Into-Your-Bladder" position. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #121: "My Wife Just Had Part Of Her Body Replaced..."

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #121!  Today Jackie, my wife Gail and I cover a wide range of topics that you "Kneed" to listen to: 

- The history of "Spooning"...and how Rapper's could work it into their lyrics.

- A frightening new study about men and their underwear.

- Another frightening study about divorcing a sick spouse...Are men or women more likely to leave? (Hint...the people who leave have a strange relationship with their underwear). 

- My recent awkward encounter with a woman who told me she has a crush on me.

And...

- If you find yourself in need of a knee replacement...the things your doctor WON'T tell you, but my wife Gail WILL! She just had her left knee replaced and she gives us the nitty gritty (or is that "Knee-ty Gree-ty" on what the operation and recovery entails!

So while Gail keeps working on bending her new knee, let us bend your ear with Podcast #121! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick 

HOT off the Presses!

On this day, May 8, 1945 WWII in Europe ended as we finally won the war against Germany. And today, May 8, 2014 it looks like we have finally won the war against WINTER!!!!!

Predicted high: 80!!!

*****

Today is NFL Draft Day. The Lion's have the 10th pick. 

- Could this be the year the Lions finally make it to the Superbowl??? Probably not!!!  (Vegas oddsmaker put the Lions at 60 to 1). 

*****

New excerpts from Monica Lewinsky's upcoming Vanity Fair article reveal that Monica had a hard time finding work after the scandal. 

- I would have thought she'd be a shoe-in for "Pizza Delivery Girl". 

- Even Mitch Ryder refused to hire her as a roadie on his "Devil With The Blue Dress On" Reunion Tour.

*****

A British hospital accidentally performed a vasectomy on a man who was in for a minor procedure. 

- The surgical nurse said, "It was no big deal. Really. It was no big deal". 

- I'd give you more details, but I just read a snipet of the story online. 

*****

Because it's so much cheaper in Mexico, an increasing amount of Americans are going there for Dental work.

- It's a great deal...especially if you don't mind spending a week or two in a Mexican jail. 

- So some of the same people who want to build a Fence to keep Mexicans out of America are going to Mexico to get a Bridge.

*****

The fake interpreter from Nelson Mandela's funeral is starring in an ad campaign for a new "video-sharing" app. 

- The most popular video shared, shows a fake interpreter at Nelson Mandela's funeral. 

*****

Donald Sterling's ex-mistress V. Stiviano says she's in the final stages of adopting two boys. 

- She's already bought them matching full-face visors. 

*****

Miley Cyrus denied that a drug overdose was the real reason she cancelled a lot of performances during her "Bangerz" tour. She insists it was allergies.

- In a related story, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford says he's in rehab due to smoking too much Pollen.

*****

 Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with an all-new Podcast...#121!

-Dick 

Monica Raps About Bill!

After a 10 year silence, Monica Lewinsky wrote an article for Vanity Fair detailing her relationship with Bill Clinton. Monica says "It's time to bury the blue dress", and that Hillary blamed herself for the affair. 

- So let me get this straight...Hillary won't take responsibility for Benghazi...but she takes responsibility for her husband's affair?

- Monica can't actually bury the blue dress since it's on display in the "Leisure Time" exhibit at the Bill Clinton Presidential Library. 

*****

UPS accidentally delivered a $350,000 Drone to a college student in Massachusetts. 

- Meanwhile, the folks at the Pentagon are enjoying the underwear, socks and cookie's the student's mom sent in her care package. 

- If they had just let the Drone fly itself, it would have gotten to the right address.

*****

A study of rapper's lyrics determined that Kanye West and Lil Wayne have the most limited vocabulary in rap.

- They only use "*^&%@#" and "%^&!"   as opposed to other rappers who use "*^&%@#", "%^&!", "#*&!*%" and "&!@".

*****

An Israeli company is perfecting a pill that treats constipation by vibrating through the body as it's digested.

- The pill will be either be called "Viber One" or "Meeeettttttaaaammuuuucccciiiiilllllllll". 

*****

The Hollywood Reporter says Sandra Bullock will star in a film about the invention of Tupperware. 

- She was late for the film's first press conference because she couldn't find the top that went with her bottom. 

- There hasn't been this much "burping" in a film since "Animal House".  

*****

Larry King told the "Today Show" that he's embarrassed by his old network CNN's 24/7 coverage of the missing Malaysian jet. He said "It's been six weeks and all we know is that it took a left turn". 

- Larry thinks the network should concentrate on more pressing issues like the search for Amelia Earhart's plane. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

"Waiter...There's A Guy In My Soup!"

Former Detroit City Council President Charles Pugh, who resigned in Sept. amidst charges that he gave money and video games to an 18 year old boy in exchange for nude videos, has a new job! He's working as a waiter at a restaurant in NYC. 

- He works at a Chinese restaurant called "Sum Yung Guy".

*****

Albany N.Y.'s first openly gay Bishop plans to divorce his husband after a 25-year relationship.  

- No word yet on who will get to keep the autographed picture of Liza Minnelli. 

*****

80's heartthrob singer Rick Springfield says he's set to release a new single.

- It's called "I Wish That I Had Jessie's Girl's Good Cholesterol Numbers". 

- At his age, Rick, who got his start on "General Hospital" will probably be checking into General Hospital soon for a prostate issue. 

*****

Coca Cola dropped an ingredient from it's Powerade sports drink that contained a flame retardant. 

- So from now on, when you you hear a guy at the gym say he can "really feel the burn", he's gonna mean it. 

- I enjoy a good flame retardant in my sports drink. It really helps with acid reflux. 

*****

A study by Michigan State University found that obese adults have poorer memories than their skinnier counterparts. 

- This explains why Michael Moore can't remember what he had for lunch. 

- If skinny people have such great memories, how come Paris Hilton can't remember to put on underwear? 

*****

The now former Mistress of Donald Sterling, V. Stiviano has sparked a fashion trend with the full face visor she wore to block the paparazzi. 

- It's the same visor she wore every time she had to have sex with Donald. 

- The visor comes in a rainbow of colors. Except black. 

*****

Medical experts say that the Polar Vortex we experienced here in Michigan is going to lead to an extra tough allergy season. 

- Even though it's May 6th (my Dad's Birthday!) it seems to me the Polar Vortex still has it's arms wrapped around us. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

It's Monday in Margaritaville!

It's Cinco de Mayo! Translated into English: "A Chance for Americans To Use A Mexican Historical Event As An Excuse To Get Drunk!"

*****

President Obama took his annual turn as a stand-up comedian at Saturday night's White House Correspondents dinner.

- He hasn't gotten that many laughs since he announced that the Obamacare website would make buying insurance "simple and affordable". 

- Joe Biden was there...although he had to sit at the kids' table with Sasha and Malia. 

*****

Speaking of Joe Biden...the VEEP gave the commencement address at Miami Dade College on Sunday. 

- The graduates were hoping to get someone more influential in the country, but Kim Kardashian was just too busy with last minute wedding plans. 

*****

Yesterday was "National Star Wars Day". 

- It's also known as "Guys-Who-Don't-Stand-A-Chance-In-Hell-Of-Ever-Getting-A-Girlfriend-Day". 

- LA Clipper's owner Donald Sterling threw a Star Wars Party, but told his mistress not to bring anyone dressed as Darth Vader. 

*****

V. Stiviano, girlfriend of Donald Sterling, told Barbara Walters that she doesn't believe he's a racist, and will always be his "silly little rabbit", in a TV interview where many people are saying she came off sounding like "an idiot". 

- I don't know which Sterling is more embarrassed about: Being labeled a racist or having the whole world know that he calls his mistress his "silly little rabbit". 

*****

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are teaming up for their first film together since "Mr. and Mrs. Smith."

- In keeping with "Diversity", the film will be called "Mr. & Mrs. Sanchez". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out my latest Podcast #120. Just click here to listen! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #120: "Dick, Gail & Jackie Talk Donald, Rob & George!"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the first weekend of May...and Podcast #120!  Today, my wife Gail, daughter Jackie and I offer up an All-You-Can-Listen-To-Buffet including:

- Donald Sterling and his "unusual" Mistress.

- How Jackie accidentally almost re-created the "plot" of an adult film, when she answered the door for the exterminator wearing...well, not much. 

- The theories behind George Clooney's engagement. (Yes...there are actually "theories" about it!)

- Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's astounding realization that he "might have a substance abuse problem". (You can't get anything by this guy!)

- People with Photographic memories. (Very helpful...but hard to post on Facebook!)

Plus...

-The night Jackie's chin turned purple and why...

- And another installment in what has somehow become a regular Podcast Feature... "Dick's Injury of the Week!"

So grab a lawnchair (and a blanket) and join us as we usher in a rather chilly May with Podcast #120.

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with the regular blog! 

-Dick 

May Day! May Day!

Every year on this day, I think back to something my dear, departed friend Charlie Krutsch used to say...

"Hurray! Hurray! The First of May! Outdoor... 'Romancing' Starts Today!"

*****

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has entered a drug and alcohol rehab facility after a video surfaced reportedly showing him smoking crack in his sister's basement last Saturday. Ford says he thinks he has a substance abuse problem. 

- Gee...ya think?  

- From now on, all his campaign speeches will start with, "Hi. My name is Rob..."

*****

Rumors are swirling that Oprah is interesting in buying the LA Clipper's. 

- And she's going to buy everyone in the audience of her next TV show a Basketball Team of their own!

- Donald Sterling wouldn't mind her owning the team...as long as she doesn't attend any of the games. 

*****

German Chancellor Angela Merkel arrives in America today and will spend tomorrow with President Obama at the White House. 

- Her voice is going to be so much clearer when she's secretly audio taped in the Oval Office instead of over the phone! 

- Michele Obama will serve a special German Lunch for Ms. Merkel consisting of a a Bratwurst made out of tofu and sunflower seeds. 

*****

A Harris Interactive Poll found that Frenchmen think sex is the key to happiness, and Frenchwomen say it's chocolate. 

- Experts reminded couples to use protection, or they could end up with a Baby Ruth. 

*****

Instagram pulled down photos of Rihanna because they say they showed too much skin.

- She should have put them on "Stripagram" where they belong.

*****

Following their arraignment at a Connecticut courthouse over a domestic dispute, Paul Simon and Edie Brickell denied rumors that their marriage is in trouble.

- As proof, Paul said, "I can still call her Betty...and she can still call me Al".  (The video of that song with Chevy Chase is still a classic.)

- The couple took some romantic selfies, but it'll take about a week for the Kodachrome pics to be developed. 

*****

A private Australian firm claims they've found the wreckage of the missing Malaysian Plane...7000 miles away from the current search area. 

- Sounds like somebody used "Mapquest"! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Donald Can't Duck Ultimate Penalty...

The NBA banned the LA Clippers' owner Donald Sterling for life as a result of the racist comments he made that were caught on tape. 

- This will free him up to watch the games in his family room and rest on his laurels as well as his hands on his stomach. 

*****

Michele Obama's two day hotel stay in China cost taxpayers $222,000. 

- That breaks down to $111,000 from Column A and $111,000 from Column B. 

- I had no idea the prices were so high at the Beijing Best Eastern. 

*****

Today, April 30, is National Honesty Day. 

- If you want to see how dishonest people are the rest of the year, just check out the profiles on Match.com. 

*****

Despite rumors of an impending engagement, Prince Harry and his girlfriend Cressida Bonas have broken up after two years of dating. 

- Apparently Cressida got tired of dressing up like Eva Braun every time Harry put on his Hitler uniform.  

- She's asked for privacy, and he's asked for the Charlie Sheen Suite at his favorite hotel in Vegas. 

*****

North Korea's Kim Jong Un told his military leaders that his goal is to beat the U.S. on the battlefield. 

- He also set a goal of becoming six feet tall but that's not gonna happen either. 

- For the time being, he'll just stick with his battle plan of executing all of his relatives. 

*****

Craig Ferguson announced that he's leaving his CBS late night talk show when his contract expires in December. 

- Is it just me or do late night shows change hosts more often than Bruce Jenner changes his face.?  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday. 

-Dick 

Still Crazy After All These Years???

Paul Simon and his wife, fellow songwriter Edie Brickell, were in court yesterday after a domestic dispute during which one of them called 911. 

- It all started when Edie spotted Paul and a woman named Julia down by the school yard.

- Or maybe her name was Cecilia...

- The couple reportedly wants to make up calling the incident "Water under the Bridge Over Troubled Water."

- Apparently Paul shouldn't have answered Edie's question, "Does my hair look okay?" by saying, "You look like Art Garfunkel".

*****

The NBA will hold a press conference this afternoon to discuss their investigation into LA Clipper's owner Donald Sterling's racist comments. Sterling is heard on tape telling his mistress not to bring any black people to his games. 

- His mistress is half-black and half-hispanic so she's lucky...he allows her to come for the first half. 

*****

A team of scientists at Stanford University have located an "off switch" that shuts down neural activity in the brain. 

- They found the "off switch" in the brain of one D. Sterling of Los Angeles. 

*****

Australia's Prime Minister says that the search for the missing Malaysian Airliner will be expanded. 

- The search area will now include outer space and potholes. 

*****

A Broadway Producer is suing Valerie Harper for dropping out of his production and failing to tell him it was because she had brain cancer. 

- Well I think we've got a shoe-in for this year's "Humanitarian of The Year" Award!

*****

A British study found that men hang onto their underwear for an average of 7 years.

- Before you judge...remember that they turn it inside out about 3 and a half years in.

*****

A Tea Party member running against House Speaker John Boehner has been fired from his day job after running a political ad implying that Boehner suffers from Erectile Dysfunction. The TV spot used very graphic language and parodied the "When the Moments Right" ads from Cialis. 

- This explains why John Boehner always wants to hold Budget Meetings while sitting in a bathtub. 

*****

Have a great day...stay dry...and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

They're The Cops...And We're Getting Robbed!

Nearly two dozen Detroit Police Officers have been put on leave after a routine check revealed that they have outstanding arrest warrants against them. Most of them are from unpaid parking tickets. BTW...they're still getting paid. 

- This explains why the potholes haven't been fixed! All the cash is going to pay cops who are on the lamb! 

- This gives a whole new meaning to "Cops & Robbers". 

*****

George Clooney is engaged...again! This time to a British attorney who his rep says, "isn't some actress or someone in the entertainment industry...She's on George's level". 

- I had no idea George was a British attorney. 

- This is really gonna put a kink in his bromance with President Obama. 

*****

The National Enquirer has revealed that there was so much family-fighting over the recently deceased Mickey Rooney's body, that two separate funerals were held on the same day. The children from all 8 of his marriages are also fighting over his estate. It's valued at only $18,000. 

- A "Judge Hardy" will decide who gets what. 

- They may be fighting, but everyone in the family agrees Mickey left some pretty small shoes to fill. 

*****

Ukraine's Prime Minister says Russia is secretly trying to start World War III. 

- C'mon...Not even Edward Snowden thinks that's a secret. 

*****

Chase Bank is closing the accounts of hundreds of people who work in the adult film industry. 

- Apparently they don't like doing business with people who's checks aren't the only thing that bounce. 

- Adult film stars will now have to go back to stashing their money under the mattress.

- Of course some of them will just move their accounts to CitiGrope, uh, I mean, CitiGROUP. 

*****

Al Gore, who is still married to his estranged wife Tipper, confirmed that he is dating an environmental activist. 

- If they do get married, they're planning a romantic Honeymoon in Greenland. 

*****

On this day in 1789, the infamous "Mutiny" on the HMS "Bounty" took place at 5:20 in the morning. 

- So we know the EXACT TIME something happened on a wooden ship in the middle of the ocean two hundred and thirty years ago...but we still can't find that Malaysian Jet.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out Podcast #119. Just click here... Podcast #119

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #119: "What To Do Before You Cut Off Your Penis"

Click here to download Podcast

Hello and welcome to another fabulous Spring weekend in Michigan! (Yeah, right...) The temperature may not be so hot, but Podcast #119 is chock full of things to warm your cockles. Here's just a sample: 

- Why, if you're thinking of cutting off you're penis, you should really think it thru.

- Do Jihadi woman get 72 virgins like the men do? 

- Why getting one of KFC's "Chicken Corsages" for Prom should be on your Bucket List. 

 - How unbelievably bad (in our opinions) Will Ferrell's  "Anchorman II" movie really was. 

- My one experience with "Mary Jane" and how Jackie almost became engaged to a lamp. 

- True Hollywood "Dope Stories" from our special guest, Tom Delisle. 

And...

- Something I've done to make a foot injury more comfortable that has suddenly become a hot fashion trend among the "Beautiful People"!

There's lots more, so pour yourself a nice cool refreshing glass of hot coffee and warm up to Podcast #119!  (36:34).

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick 

"So THAT's What You Do All Day?"

Today is "Take Your Sons and Daughters to Work Day".

- Or as the NBA calls it..."The World's Largest Basketball Camp for Kids Day". 

- Kids refer to today as "Who Cares What My Dad and Mom Do...I Don't Have To Go To School Day!"

*****

A woman in Argentina claims Pope Francis called her to tell her it's okay for her to take Communion even though she's married to a divorced man. The Vatican won't confirm or deny the call, saying it was "a private conversation". 

- Well that kind of confirms it, doesn't it? 

- The woman said they didn't talk for long...Apparently his Holiness wasn't in the mood to Pontificate. 

*****

The IRS says that this year's Tax Revenue hit an all time high of $1.4 Trillion dollars. 

- Think about that the next time your car is almost swallowed by a pothole. 

*****

Mattel and Sony have teamed up to make a new movie based the iconic "Barbie" doll. 

- Where are they ever going to find an actress in Hollywood made out of plastic?

- They're hoping Dolly Parton will agree to play Barbie's Grandmother. 

*****

Hooters has a new FREE app for your phone that lets you earn points every time you visit, and even has a "Hooters Locator" for out-of-towners. 

- If a guy doesn't know how to locate a Hooter, he's too young to be in that restaurant anyway. 

*****

George Clooney and Las Vegas Casino mogul Steve Wynn got into a heated argument over drinks after Wynn said something negative about President Obama. Both guys admit that expletives flew. Wynn says George is great when he's sober, but when he drinks, he thinks he's Obama's BFF. 

- It could have been worse for Wynn...he could have been having drinks with Alec Baldwin. 

*****

The FAA says the teen who snuck into the wheel well of a plane and flew from San Jose to Hawaii will not be charged. 

- The teen says the wheel well wasn't comfortable...but had a lot more leg room than the seats in coach. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast...#119!

-Dick

More B.S. From The I.R.S.

The IRS has paid more that $2.8 Million in bonuses to employees with recent disciplinary problems, including over $1 million to workers who owe back taxes. 

- Well, yeah. They need the IRS bonus money to pay back all that money they owe the IRS! 

- Lois Lerner may have retired...but her spirit lives on. 

*****

A Canadian Pastor has begun holding services in a local strip club. 

- The collection baskets will be replaced by G-Strings. 

- If you plan on attending, keep in mind that there is a "Two Drinks of Communal Wine Minimum". 

*****

Oprah Winfrey's ex-stepmother says that behind her nice, caring facade Oprah is a tyrant and that her relationship with Gayle King is "bizarre" and "unhealthy". 

- Sounds like somebody's trying to push Oprah out of the 20,000 sq. ft. walk-in Closet! 

*****

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford says his reelection campaign is going great. 

- Which means he's got a total lock on the Crack Vote. 

*****

Beyonce and Jay Z announced that they will NOT be attending the upcoming nuptials of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West...but they did rent them a luxury yacht for their post-wedding getaway. 

- And what woman can't use an extra Dingy on her honeymoon? 

- The yacht was picked specifically for Kim and is named "Bottoms Up".

*****

Former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton says she won't discuss the sex of her unborn baby. 

- Meanwhile, her dad Bill says he'll discuss sex with anyone at anytime. 

*****

Today is Administrative Professionals Day...or as it used to be known, "Secretary's Day". 

- So make sure you remind your Administrative Assistant to pick up a nice gift for them self on their lunch hour... and to forge your signature on the card. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Wings, Wieners, & a Willie!

The Wings try to take a 2 to 1 lead over the Bruins in Game 3 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs tonight!  

Game Time: 7:30pm at the Joe.

GO WINGS!!!!!

*****

An American won the Boston Marathon for the first time since the '80's. 

- You could tell he was American by his name...Meb Keflezighi. 

*****

Joe Biden is visiting Ukraine to demonstrate America's commitment to easing tensions.

- Apparently Dennis Rodman was unavailable. 

- Instead of getting a shoe thrown at him like most politicians...Joe will just stick his own foot in his mouth. 

*****

A South African columnist says Oscar Pistorius learned to cry on the witness stand by taking acting lessons before his trial. 

- With his experience, he's bound to play the lead in the Prison production of "Annie Get Your Gun!"

*****

The Federal Government say it's approval of the sale of "Palcohol", a powder that you add water to to make liquor, was a mistake. 

- Too bad. It would have given a whole new meaning to a "Dry Martini". 

*****

A new study shows a huge increase in the number of middle aged people moving back in with their aging parents - not to take care of them, but because they can't afford to live on their own. 

- It's so embarrassing...now the middle aged people's 20-somethings have to move into their GRAND parents basements. 

- So now thousands of 80 year old fathers are staying up until midnight to make sure their 50 year old daughter makes her curfew. 

*****

Kraft Foods recalled 90,000 Oscar Mayer wieners that accidentally contained cheese. 

- If cheese is the worst thing that's in a hot dog, I say fire up the grill! 

- It could have been worse: We could have found out that Kraft had accidentally put hot dogs in the Velveeta. 

*****

The Rolling Stones released the schedule for their 50th Anniversary Tour. 

- And then immediately forgot where they put the schedule. 

- Each concert will open with their hit, "Hey, Hey, You, You, Get Offa My Lawn!"

- Concert promoters have asked female fans to refrain from throwing their Depends on stage. 

*****

81 year old Willie Nelson says he's about to receive a fifth degree black belt in Korean Martial Arts. 

- Well if anyone can smoke an opponent, it's Willie. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Queen To Spend 88th Birthday On Throne...

It's Queen Elizabeth's 88th Birthday today. 

- Or as Prince Charles calls it: "Is She EVER Going To Die? Day"

- One story said she was turning 87 and another 88...So obviously the Queen lies about her age. 

- At this point, the only "Family Jewels" she has any interest in are locked in the Tower of London. 

*****

Despite receiving a petition signed by over 250,000 Americans asking for Justin Bieber to be deported, the White House announced that they would not get involved. 

- Apparently Sasha and Malia have more input into the whole "Immigraton Issue" than we thought. 

- If they won't deport him...how about just deporting his music? 

*****

Larry Flint says that since 1983, he's sent each member of Congress a subscription to Hustler Magazine. 

- If you'd like to buy Barney Frank's collection, it's in "never-been-touched" mint like condition. 

- Well now we know what Congressman are doing to stay awake during those pesky filibusters. 

- One of the Supreme Court judges asked to borrow a copy from a Congressman saying, "I can't define pornography, but I bet I'd know it if you let me see it!"

*****

The National Confectioner's Association says that children ate over 90 million chocolate bunnies on Easter this year. 

- Outraging the people at PETCA...the People for the Ethical Treatment of Chocolate Animals. 

*****

A New Jersey man was shocked to receive a jury duty notice addressed to his dog. 

- He's got a big dog, so if he gets picked it's gonna be one hung jury. 

- They're already making a movie about it called, "Twelve Angry Dober-Men". 

- There was a dog on another famous jury. It was known as "Rover v. Wade". 

*****

A study by Career Fast found that "lumberjack" in the worst job in the world, because it's dangerous and there's falling demand for service. 

- Isn't the whole point of their "service" to make things fall down? 

- Being "Linsday Lohan's Drug Counselor" came in a close second. 

*****

The Wu Tang rapper that cut off his own penis was said to be high on PCP at the time of the incident. 

- His manager says he will go back to performing but will change his name to "Used-To-Be-Biggie-Now-Small". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #118: "Here Comes Dickie Cottontail..."

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to Easter Weekend and Podcast #118! Here's what the Easter Bunny (along with Jackie and special guest Tom DeLisle) has in his basket for you this week: 

- How Al Pacino's looks and voice have changed so dramatically since "The Godfather" days.

- Bruce Jenner's "Chesticles" (He could be a Victoria Secret Model...)

- Why is the world obsessed with the Kardashians?

- Speaking of big butts...We'll tell you a funny story about how Nipsey Russell once described a beauty pageant contestant on live TV. 

- How Greta "I Vant To Be Alone" Garbo used the produce section of a grocery store to exchange secret messages with a certain actor. 

- Jimmy Durante's surprise call to Dick's father-in-law and how it came about. 

- The average yearly salaries for Detroit's Professional Sports Teams - The winners and the losers. 

- The new Michigan Football broadcast team and who Dick thinks is the hardest working man in on-air play-by-play coverage. 

- Dick's discovery of a mysterious Aunt named "Flo" that no one in his family EVER mentioned. 

- The most famous movie OF ALL TIME. 

- How our special guest Tom Delisle came to meet Elvis and the secret system the "Memphis Mafia" used to make sure the King of Rock 'n Roll met only the "hottest babes". 

- And which of Elvis's co-stars became a nun after working with him. (And still is!) 

There's plenty more, but we don't want to put all of our Podcast "Eggs" in one Blog Basket! 

So hop on down the Bunny Trail and tune in to Podcast #118!  (45:30)

-Dick