Lions Losers At Bank And On Field...

According to Sporting Intelligence and ESPN the Magazine, here are the average Detroit Professional Sport Teams yearly average salaries: Tigers: $5.8 million ; Pistons: $4.1 million; Red Wings $2.5 million & Lions $1.9 million. 

- It's obvious the Lions' players need two things: Better sports agents and to win a game every now and then. 

*****

During a live Q&A session on a Russian news program, NSA leaker Edward Snowden asked President Vladimir Putin (via video) if Russia spies on it's millions of citizens. Putin said that unlike the US, Russia has laws that forbid such invasions of privacy. 

- So apparently, he has no problem invading other countries property, but he draws the line at invading people's privacy. 

- I haven't seen two more trustworthy guys talking together since Kwame Kilpatrick and Bobby Ferguson got together. 

*****

On the heels of her resignation (firing?) as the Secretary of Health and Human Services over "gross incompetence" of the Obamacare rollout, Kathleen Sebelius says she's mulling a run for the Senate. 

- Doesn't "gross incompetence" make her a little over qualified to run for Senate? 

- Experts don't expect her to come up with too much campaign cash since she's asking for donations to be made online. 

*****

A rapper associated with the 90's band "Wu Tang Clan" is in the hospital after cutting off his penis and jumping off a second-story balcony. 

- When he wakes up and finds his penis missing, he's gonna wish he'd jumped from a higher floor. 

- I thought "Wu Tang Clan" was a noodle dish at "P.F. Changs". 

*****

A 12 year old girl and a 13 year old boy have become Britain's youngest parents. 

- I think we've found the next winners of "Britain's Got Talent".

- The girl said the delivery was pretty easy since she'd just learned about "contractions" in 6th grade English class. 

- All three of them are registered at "Toys R Us". 

*****

"The View" is saluting Barbara Walters retirement by bringing back all 12 hosts from over the years. 

- They already ran into trouble when Rosie O'Donnell accidentally sat on Whoopi's Cushion. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast...#118!

-Dick 

Talk About "Mad Men"!

Psychologists at Oregon State University say that men become more unhappy after they hit age 70. 

- They do have occasional periods of happiness, but if the happiness lasts for more than 4 hours they have to go to immediately to the hospital.  

- This applies to everyman over 70...with the possible exception of Hugh Hefner. 

*****

Miley Cyrus was reportedly hospitalized for an allergic reaction to antibiotics. 

- Usually, it's Miley's boyfriends who end up on antibiotics. 

- The doctor who asked her to stick her tongue out and say "ah" was knocked unconscious. 

*****

President Obama and Vladimir Putin had another dispute yesterday. 

- They agreed on everything about Ukraine, but disagreed on whether or not it should be a "shirts on or off" video-call. 

*****

The U.S. Military began an "underwater" search for the Malaysian plane using a special submersible vehicle. 

- Nothing on the plane yet, but radar shows something that looks a lot like Jimmy Hoffa. 

*****

A lock of Napoleon Bonaparte's hair was stolen from a museum in Australia. 

- Curators say it will be easy to identify because the hair contains traces of "Just For French Dictators". 

- What was his hair doing in Australia? I thought he lost everything in Waterloo. 

- No one knows which side of his head the hair came from, but experts agree Napoleon always Bona-parted it on the right side. (ba-da-boom) 

*****

US Airways apologized again for Tweeting a picture of a naked woman in response to a customer complaint. 

- I don't know why they're apologizing...once he got the naked pic, the customer stopped complaining. 

*****

MSNBC Host Laurence O'Donnell suffered mild injuries after getting hit by a Taxi while on vacation. 

- Usually, MSNBC hosts come back from vacation and get hit by a pink-slip. 

- What's most shocking is that there actually are Republican Taxi drivers. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Between Taxes and The Weather...We're Gettin' Snowed!

It's official! The 3.1 inches of snow that fell across Metro Detroit overnight brought this winter's total to 94.8 inches. That breaks the old record of 93.6 inches set back in 1880-1881. 

-  A lot of people blame this year's snow and cold weather on Global Warming...Remember the good old days when we blamed it all on Canada? 

*****

It's Tax Day! 

- The day we get to pay the Federal government for everything they didn't do last year. 

- Why bother sending in the tax forms...the NSA already told the IRS what we owe anyway. 

*****

KFC is selling an edible corsage just in time for prom season. 

- It comes in two styles: Mild or Extra Spicy depending on what kind of girl you think she is. 

- It's the first corsage made with a secret blend of eleven herbs and spices. 

*****

After Palm Sunday Mass, Pope Francis hopped off the Pope-Mobile to snap selfies with young people. 

- He took the pics using his iPope. 

- He posted them on Facebook...and if you're smart, you'll "Like" every one of 'em. 

*****

A Sacramento man is facing charges after he tried to open a door during a Southwest Airlines Flight. 

- Apparently he thought he was flying "Malaysian Air". 

*****

"Captain America" was the big winner at the box office for the second straight week.

- And "Uncle Sam" was the big winner today for the 101st straight year since Federal Taxation became the law of the land in 1913. 

*****

Oscar Pistorious now claims he didn't fire 4-bullets through a locked bathroom door in "self-defense" against an intruder, but instead, it was an "accidental involuntary action".  

- This guy changes stories more often than Obamacare changes deadlines. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Potholes, Snow & Underpants...

This is the week the Michigan Legislature votes on where the $115 Million they have earmarked for Pothole repairs in the State will go. 

- I have a sinking feeling my neck of the woods isn't gonna make the cut. 

- Talk about "Potluck"!

*****

The National Library Association published it's annual list of most-complained about books at schools and libraries. It included the kid favorite "Captain Underpants" picture book series at #1, and "Fifty Shades of Grey" at #4. 

- Isn't the lead character in "Fifty Shades of Grey" named "Captain Underpants"? 

- Meanwhile Anthony Weiner has filed a lawsuit against the author of "Captain Underpants" for trademark infringement. 

*****

Hillary Clinton dodged a shoe thrown at her by a woman during a speech in Las Vegas. 

- This explains why you always see one shoe on the side of the freeway. The other one was thrown at a politician. 

- Bill wasn't with Hillary at the time...While she was playing "Duck", he was playing "Goose". 

*****

A group of scientists have found a way to grow a vagina in a laboratory. 

- Susan Sarandon and Rosie O'Donnell have already been signed to perform in "The Laboratory Created Vagina Monologues".

***** 

U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius has resigned after her mishandling of the Obamacare rollout. 

- I was going to send her an email wishing her luck, but she has no idea how to get on the internet. 

*****

The family of Oscar Pistorious' girlfriend says the disgraced sprinter is "a liar and a killer". 

- You're not gonna believe this, but it made Oscar cry.

*****

Speaking of crying...We're supposed to get 1 to 2 inches of snow over the Metro area tonight. 

- This winter has lasted longer than Morley Safer's career on 60 Minutes. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #117: "Hot Seat For Col-bert"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and a brand new "Pothole Podcast"...#117!

Today's offerings include: 

- How and what Stephen Colbert will do when he takes over for David Letterman in 2015.

- Taylor Swift's parents big "takeover" of her career.

- "Throw-Back Thursdays"... What are they?

- What 93 year old Mickey Rooney's estate was worth when he died and who he didn't want to be buried near. 

And finally...

- Great news for men who are into older (and I mean much older) women!

Plus lots more in Podcast #117!   (28:11)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog...

-Dick 

Julia Louis-Undressed??? Shut! Up!

Former Seinfeld star Julia Louis-Dreyfuss has posed nude for the new cover of Rolling Stone. 

- After seeing the cover, her former co-star Michael "Kramer" Richards had two words: "I'm out!"

There is a glitch in the cover pic... Julia's back is covered in a tattoo of the U.S. Constitution complete with John Hancock's signature. Problem is, Hancock didn't sign the Constitution, he signed the Declaration of Independence. 

- If you can't trust a tattoo artist to know American history, who can you trust???

*****

In Great Britain, a screening of the movie Noah was cancelled after the entire theater suffered a flood. 

- The theater manager made it out safely...along with two Gummy Bears, two Marshmallow Peeps and a box of Animal Crackers. 

- Some theater employees were helped out of the flood by two Jolly Ranchers and Mike & Ike. 

*****

Hillary Clinton will release her latest memoir on June 10th. The book will focus on her time as Secretary of State but the title of the book has yet to be picked. 

- Insiders say Hillary already rejected two titles: "Benghazi: What Difference Does It Make?" and "I'm Not The First Secretary My Husband's Been With".

*****

Alec Baldwin is once again being accused of homophobia because of a recent Twitter rant. 

- Luckily, Alec doesn't have a job right now so he doesn't have to get fired again.

*****

Sweden is experimenting with a 6 hour work-day schedule in an effort to create a healthier, happier, workforce. 

- Swedish men already get to work with Swedish women...how much happier can they get? 

- We have a similar short work-day experiment going on in this Country as well. It's called "Congress". 

*****

Taylor Swifts parents, who are separated, have reportedly fired almost all of Taylor's management team in an effort to control her career. 

- Taylor plans on regaining control by breaking up with her parents and writing a hit song about it. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast (#117) featuring former "Purtan's Person" Tom Delisle! 

-Dick 

Don't Forget To Tip Your Waiter...And His Car!

San Francisco police are trying to determine who is responsible for a rash of flipped over Smart Cars. 

- Police are on the lookout for three-year olds with Red Bull in their Sippy cups. 

- If the cars are so "Smart"...how come they keep letting themselves get flipped over? 

- I remember when "Car Tipping" was something you did when you handed your keys to the valet. 

*****

Kirstie Alley is joining Jenny Craig...as a Client...10 years after serving as their spokesperson. 

- She chose Jenny Craig after weighing all her options and the scale broke. 

*****

A second report has surfaced claiming that Al Sharpton was a paid informant for the FBI against the Mob in the 80's. He admits wearing a wire at several Mafia restaurants...but says he wasn't a rat. 

- The FBI says they didn't get any good info from Sharpton since his gold medallion shorted out the wire. 

- He may have been a snitch...but you gotta admit he was one snappy dresser!

*****

Barbara Walters has announced that she's leaving "The View" in May. 

- Rumor has it she's going to "60 Minutes" to help bring in a younger audience. 

*****

A study at Brandeis University found that forgiving yourself is the key to living longer. 

- It seems to work for everybody, except for one group: Suicide bombers. 

*****

Oscar Pistorious said his girlfriend "felt loved" the night she died.

- Apparently that part happened right before she "felt dead". 

- He said he would send her somewhere she'd never been before and he did. The morgue. 

*****

Rob Lowe says there's a bias in show business against good looking people. 

- So I'm guessing Rob's never seen an episode of "Duck Dynasty". 

*****

RIP... My good friend - the incredibly funny John Pinette. John died over the weekend at the age of 50...much too young. He will be missed. 

I'll see you back here Thursday...

-Dick 

Ortiz Tries To Get Weathy Off Selfie...

The White House has banned "selfies" after Boston Red Sox slugger David Ortiz sold one he took with President Obama to Samsung, who used it as a promotion for their new phone. 

- At least Ortiz didn't include his bat in the picture like Anthony Weiner always does. 

- What better way to showcase the President's love of America's Favorite Pastime than on a S. Korean phone. 

*****

Paintings by George W. Bush have gone on display at his presidential Library.  

- The best one is of the President's now deceased dog Barney playing Poker. 

- He's gotten great reviews for his "Still Life". It was based on a cell phone pic of Dick Cheney's friend right after he shot him in the face. 

*****

George Strait and Miranda Lambert were the big winners at last night's Country Music Awards. 

- There haven't been that many people in one place who've lost their job, dog and pick-up since last year's Kentucky State Fair. 

*****

Today is National Beer Drinking Day. 

- This is the day when overweight men across America really go to work on their Six-Pack Abs. 

- National Beer Drinking Day is also known by another name..."College". 

*****

David Letterman's announcement last week that he will retire in 2015 has TV execs buzzing about who will replace him. 

- Jay Leno is already working on his opening monologue. 

*****

Bill Maher says there really is a "Gay Mafia", and that if you cross them, you get whacked. 

- And if you don't get whacked, you get dinner and an evening of dancing!

- Police can tell if the Gay Mafia ordered a hit, because the guy is found at the bottom of the river wearing expensive designer cement shoes. 

*****

RIP...Mickey Rooney. The pint-sized actor who, along with his co-star Judy Garland, was one of MGM's biggest box office attractions in the '30's and 40's has died at the age of 93. In addition to his acting, Rooney was known for his marriages - there were 8 in all, including one to Ava Gardner. 

- One film historian said, "Mickey leaves some pretty small shoes to fill". 

- He will be buried after a short service. (Bada Boom!)

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday. 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #116: "From Keener To Weiner..."

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and another "Pothole Podcast"! (#116 - 39:42)

On tap today: 

- My problem with Jimmy Fallon as host of the Tonight Show. 

- How I ended up taking the job at Keener 13 (after turning it down twice) and how a fist fight between two jocks in the studio led me to take over the morning show ahead of schedule. 

- The incredible Life & Death story of Keener newsman Ed Mullen...including how he died and actually lived to tell about it! 

- Why the PC world we live in is a real bummer. 

- Who's got the best Chicken sandwich...McDonald's or Burger King. And which one I'd cross the road to get to. 

- How Anthony Weiner "popped up" in the news...again...and why I think the guy getting the press should be the incredibly talented Seth McFarland from "The Family Guy". 

- How I almost bought Hitler's Globe...and did buy Clark Gable's personal script from "Gone With the Wind". 

All that and lots more in Podcast #116. I know it's a lot to take in, but you can always listen to it again tomorrow. After all...Tomorrow is another day! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick 

Clinton: Aliens Exist! (And Not Just The Ones In Congress)

Former President Clinton admitted in an interview that he believes in the possibility of aliens, telling Jimmy Kimmel that "If we were visited someday, I wouldn't be surprised". 

- The female aliens will, however, be surprised when they get "probed" by Bill Clinton. 

- Most people believe that just looking at Cher and the men on "Duck Dynasty" proves the aliens are already here. 

*****

A new study shows that Americans trust the NSA and the IRS with their personal information more than they trust Google and Facebook. 

- Of course the NSA and IRS get most of our personal information from Google and Facebook so it's pretty much a wash. 

*****

President Obama says that 7.1 million Americans signed up for heath insurance online, but critics say the number is "grossly inflated". 

- "Grossly inflated"...That's how Marie Osmond describes herself on the commercials before she lost 50 pounds on Nutrisystem!  

*****

The new trend on social media is the after-sex-selfie. 

- How is a guy supposed to take a picture of himself when he's sound asleep? 

- For people without a partner, the shots are called "After-Sex-With-My-Selfies". 

*****

Willie Nelson's pet Armadillo was returned after being kidnapped. 

- Willie said he hopes whoever took the Armadillo spends a lot of time in the joint...or smokes a lot of joints. It was one of those. 

- Turns out the Armadillo wasn't kidnapped...it just got the munchies and it was a long walk to Taco Bell. 

*****

80 year old "Today Show" star Willard Scott married Paris Keena, his girlfriend of 11 years on Monday. 

- Willard says he hopes they both live long enough for him to wish her a "Big Smucker's Jelly Happy Birthday" when she turns 100! 

*****

New Jersey police have begun ticketing people who are caught behind the wheel eating and driving. 

- Apparently putting on mascara is okay, but eating a burger...not so much. 

- So instead of donut shops, cops will now be hanging out at restaurants with drive-thrus. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast! (#116)!

-Dick

Holy Moses...Is This Really The Holy Grail?

A pair of historians claim to have found the Holy Grail - the cup Jesus reportedly used during the Last Supper - at a Church in Spain. The chalice has been dated back to the time that Jesus walked the earth. The original cup was made of onyx (the brown bowl part) and sometime later was encased in jeweled encrusted gold.  

- Some archeologists are suspicious, saying  the "Dishwasher & Microwave Safe" stamp on the bottom seems a bit off. 

*****

Another twist in the missing Malaysian airliner story... Now Government officials have revised the last words transmitted before Flight 370 went off the grid. They now say instead of, "All right, good night." the actually words were "Good night, Malaysian three-seven-zero." 

- Apparently their PR guy is the same one who handled the Benghazi talking points. 

- There haven't been this many plot twists since "As The World Turns" was on the air. 

*****

James Clapper, the Director of National Intelligence, has admitted that despite denials by the White House, the NSA did spy on American citizens emails, social media posts and phone calls. 

- So it's true! The government does have your recipe for low-fat meatloaf! 

- No wonder I never got the money from that guy in Nigeria! The NSA stole my email and my 6 million dollars!

*****

A 68 year old man was arrested in a Virginia National Park for pleasuring himself while doing yoga, then throwing a dead animal at a passing car, then going back to yoga and pleasuring himself again. 

- I thought Yoga was supposed to calm you down! 

- I was totally okay with the story until I read about the throwing the dead animal part. 

*****

A parrot - this is true - has been moved out of public view at a Garden & Animal Center in Great Britain after it began repeatedly spewing expletives at customers and their kids. 

- There's a Soupy Sales' parrot joke in there somewhere...

*****

Speaking of Soupy Sales, scientists at The Ohio State University say that humans are capable of making 21 different facial expressions. 

- Except for Joan Rivers and Bruce Jenner who can only make one a piece.  

- One of the expression is labeled "The You Gotta Be Kidding Me Face" which popped up when people found out they had to refer to OSU as THE Ohio State University. 

*****

French farmers are feeding their cows red wine to make the meat more tender. 

- This is gonna make "Cow Tipping" a whole lot easier. 

- Farmers are also feeding wine to chickens...but of course it's white wine since it goes so much better with poultry. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

My Last Blog...

IT'S APRIL FOOLS DAY! Or as Mark Twain famously said:

"This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four."

*****

So what's considered the best April Fool's Prank of all time??? 

On April 1, 1957 the British news show Panorama broadcast a three-minute segment about a bumper spaghetti harvest in southern Switzerland. The success of the crop was attributed both to an unusually mild winter and to the "virtual disappearance of the spaghetti weevil." The show's highly respected anchor discussed the details of the spaghetti crop as viewers watched video footage of a Swiss family pulling pasta off spaghetti trees and placing it into baskets. The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest hoax generated an enormous response. Hundreds of people phoned the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this query the BBC diplomatically replied, "Place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best." 

*****

Congrats to the Tigers for winning their home opener against the KC Royals 4-3! 

*****

Comic book hero Batman turns 75 today. 

- He's still behind the wheel of the Batmobile, but it's left-turn signal is always on and he goes 45mph on the freeway. 

- At his age, he needs Viagra to use the Bat Pole. 

*****

China announced plans to cover the world in surveillance cameras. 

- The program is known as "Moo Goo Spy Cam". 

- Wouldn't it be cheaper to just hack into the NSA's video system? 

*****

Lady Ga-Ga was caught using the men's room at a Broadway theater during a break in the show "Of Mice and Men".

- Luckily Rosie O'Donnell and Rachel Maddow were standing by the stalls at the time and told her she was in the wrong bathroom. 

*****

Grandparents are being told by the USDA to read "Government Bedtime Stories" to their Grandkids to encourage them to eat healthy. 

- Some of the Government stories include: "I Love You Only This Much...Because Portion Control is Important!", "Curious George Got In Big Trouble For Eating a Cookie!" and "Green Eggs & Ham Will Give You a Heart Attack Someday". 

*****

Some Deaf People in California who were given a special number to call to sign up for Obamacare were instead directed to a Phone Sex line. 

- If they thought the sex line was expensive, wait until they see their health care premiums. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Hot Dog! It's Opening Day!!!

There are lots of so-called "Harbingers of Spring"...A Robin in your front yard, moving the clocks forward an hour, and this year - actually being thrilled to see your brown, dead lawn - just because it isn't snow!

But nothing says "Spring" like OPENING DAY! And it's finally here! With a new manager and a new line-up, the Tigers take to the field at Comerica Park today to face the Kansas City Royals. Game Time: 1:08pm. Justin Verlander on the mound. 

In honor of the Big Day, I'm posting this video song salute to of our "Boys of Summer"...from their humble beginning back in 1896 right up to today. 

GO GET 'EM TIGERS!

*****

In other Sports News... things didn't go so well for Michigan and Michigan State this weekend with both teams being knocked out of the NCAA "March Madness" Championship Tournament.  But hey, we were the only state to have Two...yes TWO...teams represented!  For that alone, they deserve our Congratulation! 

And we've uncovered some good news! As you know, President Obama picked State to win the whole shebang. Well guess what? Thru connections in Washington, we received a statement this morning from the President reading: "Despite being eliminated from the tournament, If you'd like to believe that MSU made it to the Final Four, You can keep believing that MSU made it to the Final Four!" 

- It's good to be the President! 

*****

A poll by Travel Magazine found that 71% of Greeks believe that their country invented sex. 

- Which is ridiculous since we all know sex was invented by Al Gore!

*****

Tomorrow is April Fool's Day. 

- Or as Justin Bieber calls it..."Tuesday". 

*****

NYU researchers say that married men are fatter than single men. 

- Their weight isn't actually any different, the married guys just don't try to hold their stomachs in anymore. 

*****

Partridge Family and "Oklahoma" star Shirley Jones say she plans on skydiving to celebrate her  80th Birthday. 

- I hope she realizes the wind is gonna come sweepin' up a lot more than just the plain. 

*****

Have a great day...GO TIGERS...and I'll see you back here tomorrow! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #115: "Potholes, Photo-Ops, & P. Diddy"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and a brand new "Pothole Podcast!" (Our 115th Podcast - but only the 3rd since the Pothole invasion!)

The crumbling roads reminded me of something the great comic actor Walter Matthau once said to me when he was a guest as I was filling in for Bill Kennedy. You'll have to listen to hear it, but think Germany in the 1940s. 

Then Jackie and I are "saved by the bell" so to speak, when she gets our traditional "It-Wouldn't-Be-a-Podcast-Without-One-Of-Us-Getting-a-Phone-Call" phone call, in this case, from a friend of hers out East. (No...it's not Anthony Weiner. He just tweets her.)

Next things really "pick-up" with a discussion about Hookers in Amsterdam which somehow - inexplicably - leads us to the memorable comments Jackie's 3rd or 4th grade teacher made about her during a parent-teacher conference. 

We also talk about Jackie's (alleged) lack of athletic prowess and I'll tell you about a sporting event where she beat me - and what that eventually led to for me. (Does she feel guilty? Yup! It's Jackie...she always feels guilty!)

While were on the subject of daughters, I tell you how an invitation to a Thanksgiving dinner led Gail and I to name our 4th daughter "JoAnne". Who did we name her after? You'll have to listen to find out. 

We also list the highest paid people in television (no, JoAnne isn't one of them...unfortunately!) and what they make. Plus...with the passing of two NFL team owners in the same week - William Clay Ford of the Lions and Ralph Wilson of the Buffalo Bills (Both Detroiters!) I'll tell you what each of them paid for their for respective teams more than 50 years ago...and what the Bills are worth today. It will astound you! 

Finally, Jackie and I give our theories on the still-missing Malaysian Flight 370 and more importantly, we cover P. Diddy's decision to change his name back to Puff Daddy. 

So take your mind off the Potholes by falling into Podcast #115!  (32:52)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with a special Opening Day Edition of the blog! 

-Dick

They Ought To Erect A Monument To This Thing...

It was 16 years ago today that Viagra was approved for use in the United States. 

- And men have been giving it a standing ovation ever since. 

- It was created by drug giant Pfizer, not some "start-up" company like you might expect. 

- To honor the event, Congress was going to fly all flags at half-staff...but that seemed to defeat the purpose. 

*****

President Obama is in Vatican City meeting with Pope Francis. 

- The President will spend most of his time keeping the Secret Service agents away from the Communion Wine Cabinet. 

*****

Oprah will appear at the Palace in September as part of her women's empowerment "The Life You Want" weekend" tour.

- Most people want "The Life Oprah Has" but chances are good they're not gonna get it.

Tickets start at $99, but for just $1000 you can get a "meet and greet" with Oprah.

- So you get "empowered" and you bank account gets "devoured".

*****

There's a new app called RunPee that alerts you to the best times to go to the bathroom during movies, so you won't miss anything important. It tells you how many minutes into the film you should go, a sample of the dialogue to listen for prior to your "Pee Break", and will even set off an alarm for you. 

- It's the #1 app on the market!

- I entered "The Lone Ranger" on the app and it said "Pee Before Movie Starts...And Stay In Bathroom Til It Ends...Kemosabe". 

*****

A Gubernatorial candidate in Massachusetts fought through intense pain and actually passed a kidney stone during a televised debate with one of his rivals. 

- Usually it's the people watching the debate who feel like they're passing a kidney stone. 

- He's hasn't even been elected and he's already passed more than the U.S. Congress. 

*****

- Sources say the pilot of the doomed Malaysian Jet was mentally unfit to be flying a plane. He was reported upset that his wife was leaving him and he was having problems with his mistress. 

- Both women were annoyed that he never stopped and asked for directions! 

*****

Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband Chris Martin of the band "Coldplay" are calling it quits after 10 years of marriage. But Gwyneth won't call it "Divorce"...she calls it "Conscious Uncoupling". 

- And we're not having a "Lousy Spring", we're having a "Deeply Committed Winter". 

*****

Private businesses in Russia have banned President Obama from shopping in their stores. 

- Well there goes his shopping trip to "The Home Dacha" and "Toys Czar Us!". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a BRAND NEW Podcast! (#115)

-Dick

"We Begin Getting Bombed In Five Minutes..."

Three Secret Service officers have been put on administrative leave after a night of heavy drinking that left one passed out in a hotel hallway, just hours before they were to begin "protecting" President Obama in Amsterdam. 

- Hey...at least they didn't hire any prostitutes like the Secret Service guys in Colombia did! 

*****

Meanwhile President Obama says he's much more concerned about a nuclear detonation in Manhattan than he is about Vladimir Putin. 

- So he's worried about NYC getting bombed while his Secret Service guys are getting bombed in Amsterdam. 

- Speaking of Vladimir Putin, he's officially changing the name of "Ukraine" to "MyKraine". 

*****

It's official...Weather experts now confirm that the majority of the U.S. has experienced the coldest October through March since 1912. That's 102 years. 

- At this rate, Kwame Kilpatrick is gonna get "Sprung" before Spring does. 

- The record for the coldest winter in Washington D.C. was set in 1998 when Hilary found out about Monica. 

****

With March 31st looming, the Obama Administration has extended the deadline for signing up for Obamacare until mid-April. It's supposed to be for people who tried to sign up but couldn't complete the process, but the administration says they won't check to see if people are telling the truth. 

- It's only fair. If the Prez doesn't have to tell the truth about Obamacare, why should we? 

- This thing has changed deadlines more often than Taylor Swift changes boyfriends. 

*****

Justin Bieber unveiled a series of new tattoos on Instagram, including one that reads: "I Love Korea". 

- Another example that his career is going to the dogs. 

- Move over Dennis Rodman! It's time for a little "Bad Pop Music Diplomacy"! 

*****

Researchers say that bad posture caused by playing games and texting on your cell phone can lead to cardiovascular problems and an early death. 

- It's so bad engaged couples are changing their vows to "'Til Angry Birds Do Us Part". 

*****

Massachusetts is considering a law that would make it illegal for divorced couples to have sex if they still live together. 

- But isn't "Make-Up Sex" the best kind? 

*****

Former TV star "Judge Joe Brown" was sentence to five days in jail after his violent outburst in a courtroom during a real life custody case. 

- The guys he sent to the slammer are REALLY looking forward to catching up with him in the yard!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

A Special Day For Two Divas!

Two big Celebs are celebrating birthdays today. Our own Aretha Franklin is 72 and Elton John turns 67.

- So hats off to Aretha! Seriously...Aretha...take off the hat!!!

- Aretha no longer wants R-E-S-P-E-C-T, she want L-I-P-I-T-O-R.

- At his age, Elton can only become the "Rocket Man" if he takes Viagra.

*****

After two weeks of searching, Malaysia's Prime Minister says the missing plane plunged into the Indian Ocean. 

- He has no evidence...he's just tired of watching coverage of the search on Malaysia's 24-Hour News Channel, MNN. 

- Although Amelia Earhart's plane disappeared over the Pacific, he swears her plane plunged into the Indian Ocean as well. 

*****

Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner announced that he's writing a monthly column for Business Insider. 

- You'll find it in the "Pop-Up" section of the newspaper. 

- Each "column" will be exactly 140 characters long and will include a "very special photo" of Anthony! 

*****

Disney will mark the 50th Anniversary of "It's a Small World" by sponsoring a world wide sing-a-long on April 10th. 

- "It's a Small World" unless you're a member of the search team on the Indian Ocean. 

- Meanwhile Vladimir Putin has released a Russian remake of the song called, "It's My World After All". 

*****

Former President Jimmy Carter, who admitted he believes the NSA is spying on him, says he uses the regular U.S. Mail to keep the government from knowing his business. 

- It also keeps the person the letter's addressed to from knowing his business since chances are good the mailman will lose the letters. 

*****

- A male teacher in California returned from Spring Break as a female undergoing transgender surgery. 

- Look for him in the upcoming "Guys-Becoming-Girls Gone Wild!" video. 

- For the kids' sake, I hope he's not the Sex-Ed teacher. 

- Am I the only one hoping he/she doesn't post his/her "Vacation Photos" on Facebook? 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here on Wednesday! 

-Dick

How SWEET It Is!!!

Congrats to U of M and MSU...both bound for the Sweet Sixteen next weekend! Go Blue! Go Green! And let the March Madness continue! 

*****

Speaking of "March Madness"...Ukraine's leaders are accusing Vladimir Putin of wanting to take over their whole country. 

- It looks like we have another "Cold War" on our hands...not counting the dreaded Polar Vortex which looks like it's returned as well. 

*****

Former President Jimmy Carter says he believes the NSA is spying on him too. 

- He was tipped off by a giant rabbit he ran into while he was ice fishing. 

*****

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are on the cover of Vogue in their pre-wedding Wedding gown and tux. Kermit and Miss Piggy released a spoof cover. 

- The fact is, Kim's had more hands up her skirt than Miss Piggy.  

- The two old men in the balcony said they prefer the Miss Piggy cover since she has more realistic fake boobs than Kim. 

*****

New research says that sleep deprivation damages intelligent brain cells. 

- So basically Keith Richards hasn't slept since he took a nap between sets at Woodstock. 

- Now insomniacs have something else to lie awake all night worrying about. 

*****

A Florida man was arrested after drinking 10 Jaegermeister shots, punching a 70 year old man in the nose and starting a fire in the bar bathroom one recent afternoon.   

- The 70-year-old was so mad he flipped the guy the early "Bird" special. 

*****

In an effort to find the missing plane, Malaysian officials plan on asking the U.S. for undersea surveillance help. 

- Why don't they ask Edward Snowden? He seems to know everything. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #114: "Here's Just A 'Sample' Of What You'll Hear..."

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the first weekend of Spring!!! Today I offer up an encore of the Podcast we put up last Friday. Why? I got a lot of emails about it and wanted to give those of you who didn't hear it a chance to check it out. Next question: Why so many emails? Well, Podcast #114 features two hilarious "Everything You Wanted To Know About Trying To Get Pregnant But Were Afraid To Ask" stories. One from former "Purtan's Person" Joe Noune, and the other from my daughter Jackie. 

Both Joe and Jackie's then-husband had to have their "Michael Phelps" counted (if you catch my drift) and though their experiences were different...they are both hysterical. Who knew "giving a sample" could be so complicated? 

What's NOT complicated is listening to the Podcast! Just click on either of the links on this page and voila! You can "sample" it for yourself!

Have a great Spring Weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular Blog! 

-Dick 

Spring Fever & March Madness!

Spring officially arrives at 12:57pm today. That means it's time to put away my fur-lined sneakers and pull out the old black socks and sandals!!! 

*****

Today also marks the beginning of "March Madness"...and both Spartan and Wolverine basketball fans will be glued to their TV's. #4 seed MSU takes on #13 Delaware at 4:40pm. Then at 7:10pm, #2 seeded Michigan faces #15 Wofford. GO GREEN AND GO BLUE!!!

*****

President Obama picked MSU to win the NCAA Tournament. 

- Before you get too excited...this is the same guy who said "If you like your Doctor, you can keep your Doctor".

- Just to tick Obama off, Vladimir Putin picked U of M...the University of Moscow. 

- Obama's very experienced when it comes to basketball. He's been jumping through hoops trying to get people to sign up for Obamacare for months now. 

*****

A Urologist in Texas says that more men get vasectomies during "March Madness" than any other time of the year. He claims the guys time-it so they can "recover" while watching nonstop basketball. 

- This gives a whole new meaning to the "Tip Off"...no wait, that's a circumcision. 

- If only we could get more professional basketball players to get vasectomies, Father's Day would be so much less confusing!

*****

Osama Bin Laden's son-in-law claims he warned Bin Laden that the U.S. wouldn't stop until it killed him, but he replied "You're being too pessimistic." 

- It's that kind of positive thinking that earned Bin Laden the Presidency of the "Secret Pakistani Hideout Optimist Club". 

- More proof that Osama was a "The Camel's Hump is Half Full" kind of guy.

*****

Starbucks has announced that it will begin selling a new Chai Tea named after Oprah Winfrey. 

- They say it's has a robust flavor and gives off a pleasing "new car smell". 

Execs say Starbucks will also begin serving Alcohol in it's stores during the evening hours. 

- Finally! Somewhere you can get a paper cup of wine for just $27.50!

*****

A school principal in Hempstead, Texas was fired for telling students to speak English instead of Spanish. 

- You can hear her message by calling the school and pressing #1 for Spanish, and #2 for English. 

*****

In Touch magazine released more names from Lindsay Lohan's list of men she's slept with, including Ashton Kutcher, Benicio del Toro and Ryan Phillippe. 

- So now we know three more guys who are taking penicillin. 

- Wouldn't it be easier for her to hand out a list of guys she hasn't slept with? 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick