"Clueless Joe's Reaction"

Joe Biden's goofy grin, mouthing words, and pointing to someone in the Congressional Chamber during the President's State of the Union is drawing mixed reactions. 

- Some say it was disrespectful, while others say when Nancy Pelosi points at you and says "You da man!" you are Constitutionally bound to say, "No YOU da man!"

*****

A study at the University of Oslo found that primates with bigger testicles were more likely to cheat on their mates. 

- So Alex Rodriguez's girlfriend has the most loyal boyfriend EVER!!!

- This explains why women tell men to take a cold shower..."Shrinkage!" 

*****

A petition to get Justin Bieber deported to Canada that was started by a mystery man here in Detroit has gotten over 100,000 signatures on Whitehouse.gov., making it eligible for review by President Obama. 

- A WH spokesman says the President will invoke the newly created "Sasha & Malia Would Kill Me Executive Order" and allow the Beebs to stay. 

- The same Detroit "Mystery Man" has started another petition to have L. Brooks Paterson permanently deported to anywhere north of 8 Mile. 

*****

In the meantime, Justin Bieber turned himself into a court in Toronto this morning to face charges that he attacked one of his limo drivers back in December. That incident is not to be confused with his DUI arrest in Florida, his egging of his neighbor's house, or the numerous times he's been photographed smoking pot. 

- He's either on a downward spiral or he's doing "research" for an upcoming role in a drag version of "The Lindsay Lohan Story". 

*****

NY Republican Michael Grimm apologized for threatening to break a reporter in half "like a little boy" and throw him off the balcony during a live televised post-State of the Union interview. 

- Viewers said they were disappointed. Obviously they would have preferred if the reporter threatened to throw the politician off the balcony instead. 

*****

By the time the "Explorer of the Seas" made it back to port in New Jersey Wednesday, the number of passengers with the gastrointestinal Norovirus had risen to almost 700. Royal Caribbean is offering passengers on the sickness stricken ship a free cruise for their inconvenience. 

- I'm sure there's gonna be a real run on those tickets. 

- Meanwhile the crew is still working to sanitize the poop deck. 

*****

Researchers from the University of Washington discovered that humans have a high number of Neanderthal genes in their skin and hair. 

- What do you expect when you use the OSU football team as your test subjects? 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with an all new Podcast featuring...ME! That's right...I'll be back...Finally! 

-Dick

Kwame's Mommy Wants Your Money Honey!

His Dishonor's Mom, Carolyn "Cheeks" Kilpatrick has put up a video on YouTube encouraging people to donate to the "Freedom Justice Trust" which is dedicated to getting Kwame sprung from the slammer. And for a $28 donation, you even get a "Free Kwame" t-shirt. 

- Couldn't they have come up with this T-Shirt thing before Christmas? It would have made my holiday shopping a snap!

The video features pictures of Kwame with his wife Carlita, their sons, images of Martin Luther King Jr. and Nelson Mandela. 

- Kwame is just like Nelson Mandela if you don't count the whole Federal-Racketeering-Criminal-Enterprise-Shaking-Down-Contractors-And-Ripping-Off-The-Citizens-Of-Detroit-For-Millions-Of-Dollars thing. 

*****

During last night's State of The Union Address, President Obama touched on everything from the economy to education.

- As opposed to Bill Clinton who used to "touch" on every woman he passed on his way to the Podium to deliver his State of the Unions. 

*****

A Japanese company has invented the "True Love Bra" that only comes unhooked when it senses the heart rate and breathing patterns of  a woman who is in love. The one drawback is that when it senses the woman feels love, the cups spring open automatically. 

- For the woman, that pretty much rules out playing the old "hard to get" routine. 

- So now guys don't have to spend a lot of time wondering if a woman is "into them"...they can just hang around until her bra explodes. 

*****

Homeland Security will X-Ray every bit of food & beverage to be sold at this Sunday's Superbowl, as well as the fans apparel. 

- Let's hope not too many women are wearing one of those Japanese exploding bras. 

*****

NBC has given the green light to a new lesbian-themed comedy produced by Ellen DeGeneres. 

- Fox News says that a lesbian-themed comedy is already on TV...It's called "The Rachael Maddow Show". 

- Working titles include: "Family Gal", "The Dick Van Dyke Show", "Not Everybody Loves Raymond" and "Ethel Loves Lucy!"

- How are they going to make a successful sitcom without a wimpy, inept Dad who messes everything up for the family? 

*****

Students at MIT have created a "Wearable Book" that uses sensors and a pressure vest that allows the reader to actually "feel" exactly what the protagonist is feeling on each page that they read.

- The "Wearable" version of "Fifty Shades of Grey" sold out in less than 10 seconds. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Another Day In Para-d-ICE...

Metro Detroit broke a record this morning! At 5:53am, the official temp was recorded at -9 below zero. The previous record was -8 set back in 1972. Wind chills are expected to go as low as 35 below. 

-Weather experts say they don't expect it to be this frosty again... unless L. Brooks Paterson tries to cross 8 Mile. 

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*****

Tonight all eyes will be on Washington DC as Barack Obama delivers the State of The Union Address. 

- Rumors started flying that the WH may just replay his speech from last year after someone heard him say, "If you liked last years State of the Union, you can keep last years State of the Union."

- They'll be plenty of clapping, jumping up and sitting down...mainly because the people in the Chamber will be trying to stay warm. 

- Millions are expected to watch. They want to see if Joe Biden can stay awake and look like he knows what the Prez is talking about at the same time.

*****

Michelle Obama has invited openly gay basketball player Jason Collins to sit with her during the speech.

- Fashion bloggers are split on which one of them will wear the snazziest outfit.

*****

Royal Caribbean's "Majesty of the Seas" returned to port two days early after 600 passengers were sickened with a gastrointestinal virus.

-Apparently the ship is called the "Majesty" because cruisers end up spending so much time on the throne.

- On the bright side, at least none of the engines caught on fire so they were actually able to make it back to land.

*****

Italian thieves broke into a small church outside of Rome and stole a vial of blood belonging to the late Pope John Paul II. 

- I'm sure that's not gonna draw any attention when it shows up on ebay. 

*****

An anonymous survey of NFL layers revealed that 85% of the league would play in the Super Bowl with a concussion. 

-Whataya have to do to make these guys understand? Hit them over the head? 

*****

A Kansas man risked his life to run back into his burning house so he could save his Xbox. 

- People thought he was crazy until he explained "Xbox" is the nickname he uses for his Playstation 3. 

*****

Have a great day...I'm putting on my snow pants and headin' out to play in a pothole!  

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #108: "Jackie Takes A Short Solo Flight"

Click here to download

Welcome to the weekend and a brand new Podcast (#108)! Dick (aka my Dad) is spending yet another week abroad. (At least this time he's not with that "broad" Dennis Rodman!) leaving me at the helm of Podcast Central. I tried to get a special guest for your listening entertainment, but alas, my first choice (George Clooney) and my second choice (any one of my five sisters) all turned me down. (Apparently George is busy on a movie set, and my sisters just aren't all that fond of me.)

That means for the first time in history...there's just one person on the Purtan Podcast today...and that person is...well...me!

But worry not...without anyone to talk to, I keep it shorter than one of Miley Cyrus's skirts (if she actually wore one) at an Awards Show. 

I'll reveal what international "celebrity" Dad is spending the weekend with, offer exciting details of my recent bout with the flu (grab a tissue!) , and I'll tell you what my life has in common with Tiger Woods. (And no it's not that we both like to putter around the house).

So take off your ear muffs for a few minutes and warm up to Podcast #108! 

Have a great weekend and Dad and I will see you back here Monday with the regular blog! 

-Jackie 

It Was "Udderly" Disappointing...

Last night's American Idol featured contestants that auditioned here in Detroit last October, with quite a few of them getting the thumbs up from the judges. To be honest it was hard to watch, since not only aren't we going to the Hollywood round, but the footage of my wife Gail and I singing our signature duet, "Bessie the Heifer...The Queen Of All The Cows" was cut from last nights episode. Oh well...I guess we'll have to wait 'til next year. 

*****

Justin Bieber was arrested this morning in Miami Beach for drag racing and DUI. The arresting officers said the Beebs was incoherent, tested positive for drugs and was driving without a valid license. 

- They knew it was Justin when they saw the "Student Driver" sign on top of his Lamborghini. 

- He used his one phone call to get in touch with his legal expert, Lindsay Lohan.

*****

New research finds the sleep-aid Ambien can make people act like zombies, display bizarre behavior, and even commit murder while sleeping. 

- And the best part is, you wake up refreshed and ready to murder again! 

*****

Weather experts are saying that the winter cold front that has gripped our area and much of the country could last up to ten more days. 

- Meteorologists in Washington D.C. say they haven't seen a cold snap last this long since Hillary  found out about Monica. 

*****

The U.S. is sending warships to Russia as a safely contingency for Olympic athletes. 

- Carnival is also offering a free cruse to all terrorists...That way they'll end up stuck in the middle of the ocean with a broken engine, no plumbing and a bad case of the Norovirus. 

*****

A top cyber security expert says he can hack 70,000 personal records from the Obamacare site in less than four minutes. 

- Now he just has to wait for 70,000 people to actually sign up and he can get started. 

*****

Israel arrested three suspects in a plot to blow up a U.S. Embassy that was organized on Facebook. 

- It all started when they sent out thousands of requests for Americans to join them in a game of "Words with Enemies". 

- Officials really caught on when they read the terrorists profile which listed their romantic status as "Will soon be in a relationship with 72 Virgins". 

*****

Have a great day and we'll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast! (#108)!

-Dick

White Castle Leaves Competitors Steamed...

Time Magazine has named White Castle's square-shaped "slider" the most influential hamburger of all time, beating out burgers from McDonald's, Burger King and In-N-Out.

- Ironically, downing a bunch of "sliders" is usually an "In-N-Out of the Bathroom" experience.

*****

The latest winter storm and sub-zero wind chills have caused at least 1500 flights to be cancelled around the country today. 

- There have been so many weather related airline problems this year, Delta is changing it's slogan to "We Love To Fly... 'Til It Snows!

*****

The research website SplashData released it's annual list of the most common email passwords. Coming in at #1 was the word "password" followed by "123456". 

- Seriously? Even Allen Ludden never actually used the word "Password" as the "Password" on the show Password! 

- In the City of Detroit, the least popular email password is "LBrooksPaterson".

*****

A new study by the Canadian Medical Association says that optimistic people tend to live longer than pessimistic ones. 

- Yeah right. 

*****

According to multiple sources, Justin Bieber dropped $75,000 at a Miami strip club in just a few hours. 

- He didn't spend the money, he actually dropped it when his plastic Superman wallet fell out of his pocket.  

- The dancers knew it was Justin when he kept pointing at them, giggling and saying "The Beeb sees boobies!"

*****

Two men were arrested in Oklahoma after telling police that a dog was driving their minivan when it crashed. 

- Cops didn't buy their story that it was a Golden Retriever and "as every one knows, blonds can't drive". 

- Interestingly, dogs do drive in North Korea. No wait...you can get dogs at the "drive-thru" in North Korea. 

*****

Have a great day - try to stay warm - and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Barbara And Bill...Sittin' In A Tree! Are You K-I-D-D-I-N' Me?

Former First Lady Barbara Bush told an interviewer that "she must confess to loving Bill Clinton." 

- Bill Clinton immediately responding by saying, "I did not have sex with that woman...George Washington!"

*****

President Obama caused a stir when he said that he doesn't feel Marijuana is any more dangerous than Alcohol. 

- Whereas Bill Clinton thought it was so dangerous, he wouldn't even inhale!

*****

Disgraced Politician Anthony Weiner and his wife are looking to move out of their $12,000 a month NYC apartment for something cheaper. 

- Weiner is reportedly working exclusively with female realtors saying "You show me what you've got...and I'll show you what I've got."

- He insisting on a separate bathroom for his selfies...uh...himself. 

*****

A new poll says that two thirds of Israelis believe that President Obama won't stop Iran from building a nuclear bomb. 

- A related poll found that 100% of Iranian Government Officials don't believe him either. 

*****

The British Press is reporting that Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles will begin "Job Sharing" the Royal duties. Insiders believe that as she nears her 88th Birthday, the Queen is ready to begin handing over the reins to Charles. 

- Luckily he's used to being handed the reins every time the Royal Groomsman brings Camilla back from her walk. 

- Charles is no spring chicken himself. At 65, he already needs to pop a Viagra before showing Camilla the Royal Scepter.  

*****

The backlash following the Seahawks' Richard Sherman's post game rant after defeating the 49er's Sunday has even non-Bronco fans rooting for Denver in the Super Bowl. 

- He's so crazy Kim Jong Un cancelled Sherman's upcoming "Football Diplomacy" trip to North Korea. 

*****

NOTE:  The 27th annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon to feed the homeless & hungry in Metro Detroit is one month from today... Friday, February 21, 2014. 6am to 10pm. I'll be behind the mic live from the Oakland Mall as we broadcast on 760 AM WJR! 

-Dick

Are You Ready For Some Super Bowl?

Denver vs. Seattle in the Super Bowl... My Pick: Denver! Peyton Manning just too good...

*****

With the match-up now set, weather officials say there's a 35% chance of snow for the Big Game. 

- The whole "Let's Play The Super Bowl In An Open-Air Stadium in New Jersey During February" idea came from the same people who run the George Washington Bridge. 

*****

On the heels of his latest trip to North Korea, Dennis Rodman has checked himself into rehab for alcohol addiction. 

- His BFF Kim Jong Un has already sent Dennis a care package including a months supply of "Dog Jerky". 

*****

More than 11 million people have quit Facebook in the last 3 years. 

- They just couldn't take any more pictures of cats doing bitchy things.  

- Imagine all of the incredible slo-cooker meatloaf recipes we're missing out on. 

*****

The American Apparel store in New York unveiled new mannequins that have hair where the sun don't shine. 

- This is why I only shop at Brazilian Apparel stores. 

- A replica of one of the mannequins will be featured at Madame Tussaud's "Need To Be Waxed Museum". 

*****

NBC announced that Billy Crystal and Garth Brooks will be Jay Leno's final guests on the Tonight Show in February. 

- Watch...they'll decide that Billy and Garth are too old and replace them with Honey Boo-Boo and Miley Cyrus.

- Much like when Bette Midler serenaded Johnny Carson when he left the show, Miley will serenade Jay. The only difference is she'll be naked with her tongue hanging out during the whole song. 

*****

A recent phone survey said that over 70% of Madonna's fans are gay males. 

- The other 30% didn't answer the phone because they were busy watching "Ellen". 

*****

Have a great day - stay warm - and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out our latest Podcast (#107) featuring my friend and former "Purtan's Person", Joe Noune! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #107: "Dating & Dictators"

Click here to download Podcast #107

Welcome to the weekend and a brand new Podcast - #107.  Dad's no longer in North Korea having proudly hung his "Mission Accomplished" banner after his work with Dennis Rodman and Kim Jong Un to achieve world peace. But our "Globe Trotter" isn't done yet...

Hearing about his success, Russian Prez. Vladimir Putin invited him to the Kremlin to help develop a high-tech security system for the upcoming Olympic games in Sochi. (I think it's his work on the Obamacare website that got him the gig!)

While there, Dad was stunned to find out that after retiring from being a ruthless Communist, one of the greatest insane Russian dictators of all time, Vladimir Lenin, would go on to write that incredible hit song "Imagine"  And when Putin showed him Josef Stalin's yearbook photo, (voted "Most Likely To Kill 20 Million of His Own People"), he realized that Stalin had a better haircut than Kim Jung Un. 

That leaves my special return guest Joe Noune and me to man (and woman) Podcast Central. And Joe has big news: HE HAS GIVEN UP ON ALL DATING! And when he shares the stories of just two of the dates he met online, you'll understand. Let's just say one of the women so misrepresented her "physical attributes" he ended up on a date at The Palace with a female Dick Butkus. 

To be honest, Joe's dating prowess was a non-starter even in high school. Just wait til you hear the story of his teenage girlfriend who told him she suffered from a rare disorder that would cause her to lose consciousness if he ever touched her. Yep...he believed her the entire three years they dated. 

So get out a tissue or two (you'll laugh, you'll cry...) and join us for Podcast #107!

Have a great weekend and Dad and I will see you back here Monday.

-Jackie

N. Koreans Get Lift From New Ski Resort; Lions Get Lift From New Coach!

North Korea's new luxury ski resort has officially opened. 

- It's like a regular ski resort except instead of a "bunny hill" it has a "doggy hill" and you don't ski down it, you eat it. 

- Kim Jong Un even put in a special chair lift for family members that takes them to the top of the mountain and drops them off the other side. 

*****

Jim Caldwell is the Lions new Head Coach. They say he works particularly well with Quarterbacks. Let's hope he works equally as well with Receivers! 

*****

Robert Martinage, the No. 2 official at the U.S. Navy, was forced to resign because of inappropriate conduct towards females in his office. 

- His lawyers claim he was borrowing a page from the Marines and was simply, "Looking For a Few Good Women". 

- Apparently when he said, "All Hands on Deck!" he was referring to a cute Midshipman named Cindy Deck. 

*****

Michelle Obama turns 50 this week and she says she wouldn't rule out Botox or plastic surgery down the road. 

- She's still trying to get on the Obamacare website to find out if facelifts and tummy tucks are covered. 

*****

The Congressional Budget Office says that between 2006 and 2011, Medicaid doled out $172 Million for Penis Pumps. 

- They keep "artificially inflating" the budget to screw the country so I guess this makes sense. 

*****

Jerry Seinfeld and Jason Alexander were seen exiting the New York diner made famous in their hit show Seinfeld. Some say it's a sign of a possible reunion show. 

- Jerry doesn't need the money, but maybe George's bank account is suffering from "shrinkage". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick 

"In Space No One Can Hear You Say 'Honey...EVERYTHING Makes Your Butt Look Big!'"

The National Enquirer reports that Kanye West is hoping to spend his honeymoon with Kim Kardashian on an inflatable spacecraft set to launch in 2015. 

- Apparently he wants to go where no men have gone before and that rules out spending a few nights in a hotel with Kim. 

*****

The U.S. set a record in 2013 for the fewest lightning deaths in one year. 

- Scientists say the chances of that kind of thing happening again is less than getting struck by lightening. 

*****

The AP reports that the Spanish language version of the Obamacare website is filled with bad "Spanglish" translations, such as using "prima" which means "female cousin" in place of "premium". 

- Thousands of Latinos are wondering why they have to pay their female cousins hundreds of dollars a month to cover doctor visits. 

*****

Video has surfaced of a Montana preacher delivering a 60-second Church service so he could leave and watch the 49er's game this past Sunday. 

- You'd except this kind of behavior if the Saints were playing, but the 49er's? 

- Parishioners knew something was up when the preacher shouted from the pulpit "YOU READY FOR SOME GOSPEL?!"

*****

Israeli's Defense Minister says that Sec. of State John Kerry is obsessed with Middle East peace talks and that he has a "Messiah Complex". 

- As an example, they said that the whole "Swift Boating" thing was no big deal because Kerry believes he can actually walk on water. 

*****

Nadya Suleman, "The Octomom" is being charged with welfare fraud and could face five years in prison. 

- Her kids are devastated and have asked the judge to make it at least 10 to 20. 

- So look for the new reality show "Octo-Inmate" coming to a cable station near you!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

From The People Who Brought You Clay Aiken...

Tonight marks the opening the 13th Season of "American Idol". 

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- Expect plenty of criticism, screaming, and crying... And that will just be Jennifer and her hairdresser in JLo's dressing room. 

*****

The FAA is investigating why a Southwest Airlines Flight landed at the wrong airport in Missouri. 

- So now in addition to paying for seats, snacks and baggage, Southwest will  charge you a "Correct Destination & Runway" fee. 

*****

Federal Authorities are reviewing NJ Governor Chris Christie's use of the relief money his state received after Hurricane Sandy. 

- The Dems are accusing him of using the dough to buy extra orange barrels so he could shut down the George Washington Bridge. 

- They're also questioning his "A Donut for Every Displaced Resident" program. 

*****

The six astronauts on the International Space Station finally got their Christmas presents when a supply ship arrived almost a month late. 

- Boy...we can send a man to the moon but we can't get him his Playstation 4 in time for Christmas. 

- But the fruitcake arrived on time. 

*****

According to a new study, dolphins are able to deliberately get stoned on puffer fish. 

- This explains why Flipper could jump so "high" in the pool! 

****

Speaking of getting high, disgraced Toronto Mayor Rob Ford made a "campaign stop" at a local nightclub, where he posed for pictures with fellow partiers. 

- He did the usual politician stuff... shook hands and kissed topless babes. 

*****

A candidate for the Orlando city council whose been arrested 21 times says she's fit to represent the people because she's walked in their shoes. 

- She did walk in them, but only after stealing them from DSW. 

- How'd Orlando get so lucky? She'd be PERFECT for the Detroit city council! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

- Dick

Gentlemen (and Ladies)...Start Your Engines!

Congratulations to Chevrolet! The Corvette and Silverado were named the Best Car and Truck of 2014 this morning as Auto Show Week gets underway. 

*****

A new study claims that American cell phones are 18 times dirtier that public bathrooms. 

- And that's even without the naked "selfies". 

- Apple is working on a new smartphone called the i P.

*****

Speaking of Awards... Hollywood's biggest stars were dressed to the nines last night for the 71st Annual Golden Globes.  Among the winners: 

The Award for Best Motion Picture - Comedy or Musical went to "American Hustle".

- If you haven't seen it, it's the story of millions of Americans who are led to believe that they can get Affordable Health Care Insurance thru a non-working website. 

*****

Best Performance by an actor in a Made For TV movie went to Michael Douglas for his role as Liberace in "Behind the Candelabra". 

- It was good to see the Foreign Press get behind him. 

*****

E! Entertainment was redder than the red carpet when they put "FUN FACT: Michael J. Fox was diagnosed with Parkenson's Disease in 1991" on the screen during their streaming coverage. 

- It was followed by another "Fun Fact"... "Actor James Gandolfini won't be appearing on stage tonight because he died!"

*****

Newspapers overseas have picked up the National Enquirer story that Barack and Michelle Obama are having marital problems. The reports cite an unnamed White House insider who says the couple are now sleeping in separate beds. 

- WH Spokesman Jay Carney says it's just part of their new "Redistribution of Sheets" program. 

*****

The Yankee's Alex Rodriguez has been suspended for the entire coming season due to Steroid use - which he continues to deny. It will cost him this years salary: $25 Million dollars. 

- So his bank account  won't be expanding nearly as much as his biceps. 

*****

Have a great day and don't forget Podcast #106 with the always entertaining and creator of many great bits on my show, Joe Noune! Just click here: Podcast #106

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #106: "Where's Dick???"

Click Here To Download Podcast #106

Jackie here...

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Welcome to the weekend and a brand new Podcast...#106! We decided to fill our first fresh installment of the New Year with just about everything under the sun - with one minor exception: My Dad. 

Why isn't he here to kick off 2014 with us (and you)? You'll have to listen to find out! (Hint: it involves a a wedding dress, a jock strap, and a really bad barber). 

But fear not...one of our favorite guests, the always amusing Joe, story teller extraordinaire Noune, joins me for a discussion ranging from dissolving Christmas trees to 65-year-old men in Feetie Pajamas (Joe isn't only a Joker, he makes an awesome looking Batman), to the joys of having a gas fireplace. 

And speaking of trying to "warm up", Joe puts on his "Phil Nye the Science Guy" hat and tells us about a highly technical experiment he recently conducted involving a cup of water and his porch. The result gives us an answer to the age old question: "Do mice really drive mini-zambonis?". 

He also reveals the two things he recently left at a gas station during a 20 below wind chill fill up that has left him less of a man, but with a falsetto that would make the fat lady at the opera jealous. Plus, I'll tell you about an incredibly popular movie I saw over the holidays that I thought was so bad (as did my Dad), that we actually warned people waiting in line for the next showing to go see the Mary Poppins movie instead. 

And as hard as it is to believe, it's been 13 years this week since we lost our long time friend and Dad's long time radio show producer & comic genius, Gene Taylor, to an asthma attack. We share some great stories about Gene's wit, how he and Dad worked together like "Comedic Surgeons"...and how Gene loved to remind me (especially at public appearances) that he used to change my diapers. The really embarrassing part is...it's true! (Gene always did know how to "Pamper" the ladies"...)

So sit back, try to think about Dad's mustache (it's better than thinking about mine!) and warm up your ears with Podcast #106! 

Have a great weekend and we'll see you back here (with Dad) on Monday!

-Jackie

"Baby It's (Not Nearly As) Cold Outside!"

With today's temp expected to hit a beach-like 22 above zero, most kids headed back to school and it's back to business as usual for the rest of us. 

- To give you an idea of just how cold it was, even Edward Snowden's pipes froze, making it impossible for him to leak anything.

*****

NJ Governor Chris Christie is in hot water after emails revealed that his staffers shut down three lanes of the George Washington Bridge to snarl traffic to embarrass a local mayor who refused to support him in the election. Christie denies any knowledge of the plan which caused thousands of motorists - including first responders - to be delayed by hours...but said that heads will roll. 

- And knowing Christie, they'll be rolled in powdered sugar and topped with hot fudge. 

- Christie added that he doesn't believe the incident will hurt his chances for a presidential run in 2016, saying "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." 

*****

An Oklahoma man died after his stepson gave him "an atomic wedgie" by pulling the man's underpants up his back and over his head. He was strangled by the waste band. Police say it's the first time they've ever heard of someone being killed by their own underpants. 

- So apparently Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan have a method to their madness. 

- Police were able to pinpoint the day he died by reading the "Friday" written in magic marker on the waistband. 

*****

A new report by the Centers for Disease control says that the rate of new gonorrhea and syphilis cases jumped by 14 and 11 percent respectively.

- Looks like even more people are trying to "Keep Up With The Kardashians"!

*****

NY Knicks guard JR Smith was fined 50 thousand bucks for twice trying to untie the shoelaces of opponents to make them trip during recent NBA games. 

- I guess the old itching powder in the jock strap just wasn't effective enough.  

****

A new study reveals that the vast majority of Super Bowl ads are not effective. 

- Researchers noted that the ads for beer are particularly ineffective because the people watching them are too drunk to remember what they just saw. 

*****

The family of Honey Boo Boo suffered only minor injuries in what looked like a major traffic accident on Wednesday. 

- Doctor's say family members complained of bruises while Honey told nurses she only had a Boo-Boo. 

*****

Have a great day thawing out and I'll see you back here tomorrow with an ALL NEW Podcast featuring Joe Noune! 

-Dick

"Happy Birthday Mr. Maniacal Dictator..."

Looking to escape the frigid temps? Why not a book a warm weather getaway to the South Pole! While the overnight high in Detroit last night was minus 8, the thermometer at McMurdo Sound, Antarctica registered 33 above zero. With many kids still home from school because of the bitter cold, I thought we'd offer up a few stories that may not warm your hands, but will certainly warm your heart...

*****

Before the players hit the court for his controversial US/North Korean Basketball Game in Pyongyang, Dennis Rodman took the opportunity to sing Happy Birthday to his "best friend" Kim Jong Un. 

- Un attended the game with his wife and several other North Korean government officials that he hasn't killed yet. 

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- It was just like the time Marilyn Monroe famously sang to John F. Kennedy, except she looked way better in her dress than Dennis did in his. 

*****

Months after his conviction of failing to report almost $200,000 to the IRS, Kwame's daddy Bernard Kilpatrick has reported to a low security federal prison in Texas to serve out his 15 month sentence. 

- I always wished I had a son so we could wear matching outfits! 

- Guards say Bernard already tried trading his Lipitor pills for cigarettes, but none of the other prisoners were interested. 

*****

A judge in Spain charged King Juan Carlos's very wealthy daughter, Princess Christina, with tax fraud and money laundering. 

- Her lawyers say the charges are absurd since everyone knows Royal Family members NEVER do their own laundry! 

- Who does the Princess think she is? The Queen?

*****

Ralph Lauren's niece was arraigned yesterday for being "dangerously drunk" on a NY bound plane that was forced to land in Ireland. 

- The Pilots of the plane will also be charged with "Incredible Stupidity" for dropping off a dangerously drunk woman in Ireland. 

*****

Tim Tebow claims he worked out 10 hours a day, 6 days a week in order to become a better quarterback. 

- He should have passed on the workouts...and just practiced passing. 

- Tebow may not be able to throw, but thanks to those Zumba classed, he can really shake his money-maker! 

*****

The Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas featured a "Smart" toothbrush that provides users with details on their brushing habits. 

- Great...Now the NSA can gather more of our personal information from a "mole-ar" in our mouths. 

- The "Dentists for Equality In Brushing" is already accusing people who use Whitening Toothpaste of being racists. 

*****

Have a great and hopefully warmer day and I'll see you back here tomorrow! 

-Dick

It's Too Cold To Do Anything But Try To Stay Warm...

Having grown up in Buffalo, I thought I was used to this kind of stuff. WRONG. After venturing outside to check the mail, I came back in the house and stuck my head in the freezer just to warm up! Thus, I am shutting down the blog today and hanging out a sign that reads "GONE ICE FISHIN'". 

Stay safe, stay warm, take a bath in some nice hot Chicken Soup and I'll see you back here tomorrow! 

-Dick

How Low Can It Go???

The major snowfall may be behind us...but things are about to get a lot worse. The "Polar Vortex" (which I thought was the name of a Keanu Reeves Movie) will be sending actual temperatures below zero and wind chills into the -20 and -30 below range. Things haven't been this cold since Jay Leno was informed he was being replaced by Jimmy Fallon!

The snow and the deep freeze caused well over 800 school closings. But a lot of businesses were affected as well. Here's a partial list...

- "Bert's Beer Bar" is closed. A note on the door reads: "No patrons can get plowed until our parking lot does".

-  "Steve 'n Sal's Sip 'n Strip" is open...but lap dances are delayed two-hours while the girls implants thaw out. (It's always fun until somebody loses an eye!)

-  The 24-Hour-Stop 'n Shop will be closed for the next 48 hours.

- Little Caesar's will be serving pizzas, but they will be temporarily sold under the name "Not-So-Hot 'n Ready".

- Anyone caught attempting to "write their name in the snow" will be ticketed and then immediately taken to the emergency room. 

- The organizers of tonight's "Global Warming Fundraising Gala" are asking all attendees to drive SUV's to the event to avoid getting stuck in a ditch. 

- The Federal Prison in Milan will be open for it's regular Monthly visiting day, but asks all visitors to sneak in electric blankets with their other contraband, so prisoners can de-ice their shivs. 

*****

Stay warm...get out your fur lined 4 buckle Stoshes Galoshes, and I'll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

The Purtan Podcasts: 105 Ways to "Chill" This Weekend...

Welcome to the weekend and the day I usually put up a new Podcast! I had booked a very special guest for this week's edition - Al Gore - to get more of his insights on Global Warming. Unfortunately, Al's flight was cancelled due to blizzard conditions. It ended up working out for the best since my microphone is suffering from shrinkage and is temporarily out of commission. 

Luckily, I still have what my Dad used to call "the old ace in the hole"... That's right, 105 previously recorded Podcasts that are already up here at dickpurtan.com. Just click the "PODCAST" button at the top of this page and scroll thru until you find something that catches your interest. The best part is you won't catch a cold in the process since you can do it all from the cozy comfort of your couch!

So grab a mug of something warm, put on your electric socks and take your pick of Podcast #1 to #105! 

-Dick

And by the way...the weather may continue to be frightful, but we'll have a Brand New Podcast (#106) up to warm your ears next Friday! As the guy from the Men's Warehouse used to say... "I Guarantee It!" 

It's A Green (and) White Out!

Kudos to Michigan State for an impressive victory over Stanford in the Rose Bowl last night! The 24 to 20 Victory for the Spartans was especially sweet considering it's been 26 years since their last Rose Bowl appearance. And MSU's win...along with Nebraska's win over Georgia salvaged this years tarnished Big Ten reputation. Of course Ohio State can add to that if they beat Clemson in their game Friday night. But, and no offense Buckeyes, I'll stick with the two wins we've got! 

*****

For the 6th consecutive year, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton were named America's most admired man and woman. 

- The poll was taken in the the MSNBC cafeteria. 

*****

A new Pew Research Poll shows that one-third of Americans don't believe in Evolution. 

- Turns out a lot more people actually believed in Evolution until they took a look at the guys from "Duck Dynasty". 

*****

New research out of Canada claims that sex is better exercise than walking. 

- And best of all, you don't have to wear $100 athletic shoes during the workout! 

*****

Some people in Denver spent New Year's Eve in line outside marijuana dispensaries so they could be among the first to buy recreational pot, which became legal at Midnight. 

- They've always called Denver the "Mile High City"...but now it's official.  

- So now in Colorado, you won't have to spend time in the joint if you get caught smoking one. 

One guy in line said he couldn't remember being so excited. Then again, he couldn't remember his name or address either. 

*****

Some fans are complaining that in her new Las Vegas show, Britney Spear's well-defined abs are actually painted on. 

- On the bright side, at least this time she's decided to wear underwear! 

*****

Have a great day...stay warm...and I'll see you back here tomorrow! 

-Dick