England's 96 year old Prince Phillip will officially retire from public duties this afternoon. 

- Yup, he's finally waving that gig goodbye. 

*****

According to a new report, Queen Elizabeth consumes 4 alcoholic beverages every day. 

- But that number goes way up when Prince Harry shows up with the Royal Beer Bong. 

- The Queen credits her daily "Metamucil Martini" for keeping her on the throne for so many years. 

*****

A Morning Consult Poll found that an overwhelming majority of Americans won't miss fired White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci. 

- It also found that nearly all Americans think Scaramucci is a new item on The Olive Garden's "Tour of Italy" menu.  

*****

Just days before the two will meet at an International Summit, Philippine President Duterte described North Korean leader Kim Jong Un as a "fool" and a "son of a bitch" with a "chubby face".

- The real story here is that it was the Philippine President who made the remarks, NOT President Trump. 

*****

OJ Simpson's former agent, who owns the infamous White Bronco from OJ's 1994 car chase is putting it up for sale for $700,000. 

- Interested buyers can contact him to arrange a Slow-Speed Test Drive. 

*****

A bride is Tennessee was arrested after pulling a gun out of her wedding dress and trying to shoot her new husband just hours after they exchanged vows. 

- She told cops in her family the bride always wears "Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, and a Loaded 22". 

- This is what happens when the Bride registers at Target. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

AUGUST??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I am officially declaring today July 32nd!

*****

The former site of a topless bar in Warren is being turned into a Dairy Queen. 

- Cones won't come small, medium and large... they'll be "B", "C" and "Double D". 

- Ironically, "Peanut Buster Parfait" was also the name of one of the dancers who used to work there. 

*****

President Trump fired White House Communications director Anthony Scaramucci after just 11 days on the job. 

- Scaramucci looks so much like a mobster, he should be happy he just got canned and not kissed on the lips and taken for a ride in a rowboat. 

*****

Despite the latest shake-up and continued leaks, Trump Tweeted that there is "No Chaos" at the White House. 

- Actually there was a guy named "Bob Chaos" but he got fired last week. 

*****

A new study found that blowing out the candles on a birthday cake increases the bacteria count by 1400%. 

- Thus the expression "You Can Have Your Cake and Get Sick From It Too". 

*****

A 34-year-old man was arrested TWICE on Sunday afternoon for walking naked through a Massachusetts town filled with shoppers and diners. 

- Apparently when the first cop told him to go home and put something on, he thought he meant Sunscreen. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Retired General John Kelly takes over for the fired Reince Priebus as President Trump's Chief of Staff today after serving as the head of Homeland Security. 

- Trying to manage Trump is going to make keeping ISIS out of America look like a cake walk. 

*****

Officials say a Spirit Airlines flight leaving Las Vegas was delayed after a passenger removed all their clothes while boarding.

- Apparently they thought the slogan was "What you Wear in Vegas Stays in Vegas". 

*****

Hot Dog eating champ Joey "Jaws" Chestnut  downed 92 tacos in 8 minutes and was crowned the Taco Eating World Champion at Taco Truck Throwdown 7 on Saturday.

- His arteries are more clogged than 696 during rush hour. 

- Joey should heed the old saying "Ask not for whom the Taco Bell tolls, it tolls for thee". 

*****

A new report claims that one pound of hamburger from your local grocery store can contain meat from up to 1000 different cows. 

- So if you want to know where the meat in your burger came from you have to log onto Ancestry.Cow. 

*****

After President Trump slammed China for doing nothing to stop North Korea's growing Nuclear Missile testing, China said Trump was acting like "a spoiled child". 

- Trump responded by tweeting "Oh yeah? Well your Mother wore army boots! SAD!"

*****

A man in Sweden died of a heart attack during surgery to enlarge his manhood. 

- Proving that like Football, Life is a game of inches. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos is about to replace Bill Gates as the World's Richest Man, with a net worth of $89.8 Billion. 

- He'll celebrate by saying "Alexa... Who's the richest man in the world?" over and over and over again. 

- He may be the Richest Man in the World, but he's still bald. 

*****

Politico is reporting that ABC is trying to sign former Trump Spokesperson Sean Spicer for the next season of Dancing With the Stars. 

- Well we know he already knows how to tap dance. 

- Or he could land a job as a judge on "Make America's Got Talent Great Again". 

*****

A new study found that Ben & Jerry's ice cream is made with an ingredient that's also found in weedkillers. 

- Which explains why I've never found any Crabgrass in my pint of "Chunky Monkey". 

- When I think Ben & Jerry's, I tend to think "Killer Weed" not "Weed Killer". 

*****

Rumor has it that Justin Bieber cancelled the rest of his World Tour in order to start his own Church. 

- It'll be the only Church in the world where you don't Sip the Sacramental Wine, you do Shots of it. 

*****

An Uber passenger posted a video of his Uber driver allegedly having sex with a woman in the front seat while he was driving the passenger around, and claims that when he complained, Uber offered him a $10 credit. 

- Ten bucks? I'm betting the woman in the front seat got paid more than that. 

*****

The fact checking website "Snopes" is trying to raise funds to keep from going bankrupt. 

- Apparently Snopes is passe since we have another source to determine what is real and what is Fake News... Donald Trump. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

President Trump told a rally in Youngstown, Ohio that "with the exception of the late, great Abraham Lincoln" he can be "more Presidential than any other President in US History". 

- So look for him to start referring to himself as "Honest Don". 

*****

This morning, Trump tweeted that there will be No Transgenders allowed in the Military. 

- And just like that Caitlyn Jenner's dream of serving in a foxhole with a bunch of guys in uniform goes up in smoke. 

*****

New research shows Sperm counts among Western men have plunged to a record low... falling by more than 50% in 40 years. 

- Experts blame chemicals found in everyday products... and the "New Math" which has made it harder to count the little guys accurately. 

*****

Experts warn that Iran is on the brink of attempting to launch a satellite into Space. 

- Our only hope is that North Korea fires a missile that shoots it down. 

*****

An International study found that contrary to popular belief, Money CAN buy happiness... as long as you spend it on things that save you time, like hiring a housekeeper. 

- They came to the conclusion by interviewing a Mr. A. Schwarzenegger.  

*****

Ann Arbor has been named the "Most Educated City in America". 

- Students in Columbus, Ohio were like, "That ain't true!"

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick  

Rumor has it that OJ Simpson will move to Florida when he's paroled in October. 

- It seems like the perfect place for a guy who likes to go on slow-speed drives. 

*****

Starting today, Tiger fans will be able to use fingerprint technology to get into Comerica Park. 

- They were going to use it at the concession stands too, but the mustard and nacho cheese sauce kept gunking up the scanner. 

*****

President Trump was greeted with shouts of "We Love Trump!" by nearly 40,000 people at the National Boy Scout Jamboree in West Virginia last night. 

- He got even bigger cheers when he handed out Merit Badges reading "Make Weenie Roasts Great Again". 

*****

President Trump's son-in-law Jared Kushner testified before a Congressional Committee yesterday and was asked repeatedly whether he had colluded with Russia during the election. 

- He responded, "Nyet! Nyet! A thousand times Nyet!"

*****

Top Dem. Chuck Schumer criticized former BFF Hillary Clinton for blaming others for her election loss and  unveiled a new slogan for the Democratic Party: "A Better Deal". 

- That replaces "A Bitter Deal" which is the slogan they've been using since November. 

*****

The Navy's newest Aircraft Carrier is ditching Urinals in favor of "Gender Neutral" traditional toilets to accommodate both male and female sailors. 

- So now before the male sailors let their "Anchors Aweigh"... they're gonna have to put the seat up first. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Welcome to a brand new week and a brand spankin' new Podcast... #219! Today Jackie and I are joined by one of our favorite guests, Tom Delisle, at the Purtan Dining Room Table. In our ongoing effort to be "entertaining", we share a bunch of entertainment stories from "This Business We Call Show" (yes, I once heard a singer say that on stage). Among them: My wife, Gail on "The Tonight Show"... We compare Prez Trump's speaking style to Rodney Dangerfield's (neither one gets any respect) ... the time I was introduced as "The one and only BOB Purtan!" at the State Fair... a joke about my former Radio sidekick, Tom Ryan - that nobody got... and a great story about the late Roger "James Bond" Moore - that will leave you stirred - if not shaken. 

And as we look back on 50th Anniversary of the Riots that changed Detroit forever, Tom - who was a reporter for the Free Press in the summer of '67 - shares an amazing story of what it was like to be riding a tank right in the thick of it.  

So join us as we take a look back at some things that made us laugh, some that shocked us, but all shaped who were are today. 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

According to the American Bar Association, there's been a dramatic increase of Attorney's who specialize in defending animals. 

- And they're not just talking about the attorney who will represent OJ at his parole hearing tomorrow. 

- Some are evening taking the cases Pro-Bone-O. 

*****

According to a new book, NJ Gov Chris Christie fell out of favor with the President because Trump is a "germaphobe" and was "grossed out" when he had to use Christie's phone. 

- Apparently Christie's phone was loaded with App...e-tizers. 

*****

Madonna has put a stop to an auction scheduled for today that was set to sell off 22 of her personal items including a pair of her panties. 

- She's just embarrassed because at almost 60, the underwear is listed as "A Lot More "Material Girl" Granny Panties". 

*****

Google is releasing 10 million genetically sterilized mosquitos in several states to combat diseases caused by the insect bites. 

- It was either that, or just call in a "SWAT Team". 

*****

Rosie O'Donnell is causing waves again by Tweeting a link to a game that allows players to "Push Donald Trump Off a Cliff" or "Into a Volcano" over and over again. 

- Remember the good old days when people expressed their unhappiness with the Prez by saying, "No... I Don't Like Ike". 

*****

A Seattle man has been arrested for DUI after crashing his car into a parking garage and admitting to cops he'd taken 5 "generic" Viagra Pills. 

- His family said despite the arrest, he's always been a real "stand up guy". 

- Police said after keeping him in a cell for longer than 4-Hours, they took him immediately to the hospital. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

After two more Republican Senators bailed on the Bill last night, the Republican replacement for Obamacare seems dead in the water. 

- Which is unfortunate, because "Dead in the Water" is NOT one of the conditions covered by Obamacare. 

*****

OJ Simpson is just two days away from a parole board hearing that could have him sprung from the slammer as early as October 1st. 

- The parole board better say "yes"...or heads are gonna roll. 

*****

On this day in 1925 the AAA declared that women drivers are every bit as competent drivers as men are. 

- Or Incompetent as men are. 

*****

Some very "peculiar signals" have been noticed coming from a star just 11 light years away according to astronomers. 

- Wait... wasn't Lady Gaga going on an Intergalactic Tour this summer? 

*****

A new survey shows the half all Americans have buyer's remorse about their house. 

- And 50% of Americans have buyer's remorse about who's living in the White House. 

*****

American Airlines is flat out denying reports that one it's flights was evacuated last week due to a passenger "breaking wind" and said the source of the unpleasantness was a mechanical glitch. 

- You know the old expression, "Beans, Beans the musical fruit... the more you eat, the more you're likely to have a mechanical glitch."

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Kid Rock may run for the the US Senate seat currently held by Debbie Stabenow. 

- We'll let you know if The Kid decides to throw his hat in the ring. 

******

Meanwhile, Caitlyn Jenner announced that SHE too is considering running for the US Senate. 

- Why not go for the White House? We could end up with our first Female President! 

*****

A study in Sweden found that having children is the most destructive thing a person can do to the environment. 

- Especially if your name happens to be "Kardashian" or "Donald Trump Jr.". 

*****

A new poll found that 70% of Americans think Donald Trump's Tweets are "unpresidential". 

- The most shocking part of this story is that it's only 70%. 

*****

Passengers on a United Airlines flight were evacuated complaining of nausea and headaches after one of their fellow fliers "passed gas" in the plane. 

- Why didn't somebody just open a window? 

- The man originally blamed it on his dog... but the airline confirmed the dog was traveling in the cargo hold. 

*****

The Senate in the Philippines is considering a bill that would send people to jail for a year for failing to sing the countries National Anthem with "sufficient energy". 

- Well there goes Colin Kaepernick's plans to spend his summer vacation in Manilla. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

For once, I'm at a loss for words! I don't know how to begin to thank all of you for your kind Birthday wishes and the wonderful memories you shared yesterday! And a special "shout out" to Larry Floyd, who left a comment and photoshopped my baby pic to make me a little more recognizable! Love it!!!

*****

Steve Whitmire is leaving his role as the voice of Kermit the Frog after 27 years. 

- He's leaving for health reasons... Apparently he's got a Frog in his throat. 

*****

A Trillion ton iceberg... bigger than the State of Delaware... has snapped off the Antarctic ice shelf.

- The NY Times blames the break on "Global Warming and Donald Trump Jr.'s Collusion with the Russian Government". 

*****

A lost dog made its way home to it's family after spending 9 months in the Idaho mountains. 

- No word yet on who will voice the dog in the Disney movie. 

*****

An Internal Medicine study found that drinking more coffee leads to a longer life. 

- Your life isn't actually longer... it's just that you're awake for a lot more of it. 

*****

On this day in 1543, England's King Henry VIII married his sixth and final wife, Catherine Parr, who outlived him. 

- She was going to remarry after Henry kicked the bucket, but decided to quit while she was ahead... and still had one. 

*****

Have a great day, thank you again, and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Hi... Jackie here! Who woulda thunk the little guy in this photo (sitting on my Grandpa's lap) would grow up to make so many people smile and have such an impact on the lives of countless people he's never even met??? On behalf of my Mom, Gail, my five sisters (Jennifer, Jill, JoAnne, Jessica, & Julie) and the eight grandkids (Matthew, Julia, Lauren, Preston, Charlie, Adam, Jack & Brayden) Happy Birthday to the Greatest, Kindest, most Giving, Generous, Funny, Intelligent, Witty, Wise, Philanthropic, and above all Most Loving Husband, Father, & Grandfather in the World! We Love You More than you can possibly know!  

President Trump is taking heat for having his daughter Ivanka sit in for him for awhile at the G20 Summit on Saturday.

- He Tweeted "Putin told me it was "Take Your Daughter To Work Day" and I believed him. NOT COOL VLAD!!!"

***** 

Trump supporters are holding a rally Tuesday at the IHOP in Novi. 

- There'll be speeches, balloons, and a special price on the "Reety Teety Fresh & Tweety" Breakfast Platter.

*****

Fox News was number one for the third straight week despite ongoing sexual harassment charges. 

- They're celebrating with a wet t-shirt contest. 

*****

A never-been-married, has-no-kids Leo DiCaprio told a bunch of models that he doesn't work out and that he's proud of his "Dad Bod". 

- Hey, you can't help but gain weight flying around the globe on a private jet, sipping champaign on your way to give "Climate Change" speeches. 

- If Leo was as big at the start of his career as he is now, The Titanic would have gone down a lot faster. 

*****

A group of Democratic Senators are calling on the FDA to regulate "snortable" chocolate. 

- The news was greeted with a lot of Snickers. 

- BTW... Snortable chocolate is for people who just don't have the time to eat a candy bar. 

*****

In a newly released letter from the late Tupac Shakur to Madonna he explains that he broke up with her because she was "White". 

- Plus... even on a rapper's salary he couldn't afford all the antibiotics he needed while dating her.  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

It's International Kissing Day! 

- Sweethearts Joe Scarborough and Mika Brezynski celebrated by telling Donald Trump to "Kiss Off".  

*****

Trump was greeted with chants of "USA! USA!" and "Donald Trump! Donald Trump!" during a landmark speech in Poland this morning. 

- People got REALLY fired up when he handed out "Make Poland Great Again!" baseball caps to everyone in the crowd. 

*****

Tomorrow, Trump will sit down for his first ever one-on-one meeting with Vladimir Putin. 

- Or as CNN reports it, "Trump Will Meet & Collude With Putin Once Again". 

*****

A new History Channel documentary includes a photo they say proves that Amelia Earhart survived her plane crash. 

- The photo shows Amelia kicking and screaming as a United Airlines Flight Attendant drags her off the plane. 

*****

An American tourist had his arm bitten off by a crocodile while he was reliving himself in a lagoon in Cancun.  

- This is what happens when you take that extra minute to "Wait for the Shake".

*****

A study by the University of Toronto found that memory lapses are good for the brain. 

- If this is true... call me Albert Einstein. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

Las Vegas tourism increased 63% in the city's first weekend of selling recreational marijuana. 

- Instead of telling Black Jack dealers to "Hit Me"... people are now begging their dealer for "A Hit". 

- So now, "What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas" because nobody can remember anything that happened while they were there. 

*****

North Korea successfully launched an ICBM that has a range capable of reaching Alaska. 

- Sarah Palin said the news was alarming, but added that if it ever happens, she'll be able to see the missile from her house!

*****

Meanwhile President Trump trashed Kim Jong Un for the launch, Tweeting "Doesn't this guy have anything better to do with his life?"

- Well, he doesn't really have anybody to hang with since he killed everyone in his family and has whacked his "most trusted advisors". 

*****

Chris Christie was criticized after lounging with his family on a NJ Beach that he had closed to the public due to a budget crisis. 

- The worst part for Christie was when a marine biologist mistook him for a beached whale and attempted to roll him back into the water. 

*****

Trump is headed to Europe to meet with foreign leaders including Vladimir Putin. 

- CNN is calling the trip "National Lampoon's European Vacation starring Donald Trump as Clark Griswold". 

*****

On his new album, rapper Jay-Z revealed that his mom is a lesbian. 

- What a great son... He calls, he writes, he Outs his Mom!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

Happy 241st Birthday to the The USA! As you celebrate with family and friends, I hope you'll take a moment to remember how fortunate we all are to live in this Great Country. To help you, I've included some music apropos for today... and everyday!

-Dick

President Trump went after the co-host's of MSNBC's "Morning Joe" for trash talking him, referring to them as "Psycho Joe" and "Crazy Low IQ Mika".

- "Little Marco" Rubio, "Crooked Hillary" Clinton, and "Lyin' Ted" Cruz were unavailable for comment.

- I'm not sure if this story came out of the White House or Junior High School. 

*****

Although he supported Hillary in 2016, Jeff Bridges says he now supports President Trump and hopes he "does well by our country". 

- To recap that story... Jeff Bridges will NEVER be cast in another Hollywood film again. Ever. 

*****

A New York Man was arrested for watching Porn at a McDonald's.

- Now we know how the "Happy Meal" got it's name. 

*****

Kris Jenner says she was with Nicole Brown Simpson when Nicole bought OJ the gloves he later wore when he killed her. 

- Meanwhile Caitlyn Jenner says she was shopping with OJ at the Commissary when The Juice bought the dress he'll wear to the prison's upcoming "Spring Formal". 

*****

John McEnroe told PBS Serena Williams is the "Greatest FEMALE tennis player of All-Time" but added that if she played Men's tennis "she'd be like 700th". When Serena lashed out, he said her pregnancy has made her "Hysterical". 

- He can't be serious, man. He CANNOT BE SERIOUS! 

*****

A 19 year old man is in police custody after selling 18 fake tickets to Disneyworld to a family of tourists. 

- Sounds like somebody just got himself a "Fast-Pass" to the Big House. 

- Living in a cell is going to give him a whole new meaning to "It's a Small World After all". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

A Mastiff named Martha has been crowned the World’s Ugliest Dog of 2017.

- She celebrated in the traditional way... barking, wagging her tail and rubbing her butt across the carpet. (Personally I think she's kind of a looker!)

*****

Speaking of dogs... Kim Jong Un ghost-wrote an Op-Ed piece comparing Donald Trump to Hitler. 

- Well isn't that the Pot-Bellied-Dictator calling the Kettle black.

*****

A Broadway adaptation of George Orwell's "1984" is causing anti-Trump audience members to "faint, throw up and scream". 

- The last time a Broadway show had that effect was when Michael Moore starred in "Oh! Calcutta!"

*****

President Trump called out the New York Times - again - for being "Liars" and writing more "Fake News" when they claimed he doesn't understand the Senate's health care bill. 

- I don't think ANYONE understands the Senate's health care bill... including the Senate.  

*****

If cash-strapped Illinois doesn't approve a new budget by Friday, the State will suspend the sales of Powerball and Mega Millions lottery tix because they can't afford the payouts. 

- And just like that, millions of people's "Retirement Plans" may go out the window. 

*****

Long walks are known to improve moods and reduce anxiety, but the benefits are enhanced if the walks take place outdoors instead of in a gym, according to a new study out of Austria.

- So the Von Trapp kids wouldn't have looked nearly as happy escaping from Austria if they'd been singing "Climb Every Mountain" on a treadmill.  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Bernie Sanders and his wife are being investigated by the FBI for alleged financial improprieties to the tune of several million dollars. 

- No one is sure what they spent the money on, but it's a safe bet it wasn't a hair stylist for Bernie. 

*****

Apple's iPhone turns 10 this week. 

- They were going to celebrate with fireworks, but they didn't want to look too much like Samsung. 

*****

Not only is Bill Cosby headed to California to face another sexual assault trial, but new documents show he spent hundred of thousands of dollars betting on NFL games. 

- He was always looking for his "Dream" Team... kind of like his dates. 

*****

A new study in China found that employees who ride their bikes to work are much less stressed at the beginning of their shifts. 

- Especially the ones who still have the training wheels on. 

- And they're even more stress-free after they have a Juice Box and take their 11am nap. 

*****

Charlie Sheen is selling Babe Ruth's 1927 World Series Ring in hopes of getting $600,000 for it. 

- Put another way, Charlie needs cash to get enough Coke for his 4th of July BBQ. 

*****

A Kentucky town has elected a Dog as Mayor for the fourth time. 

- His campaign slogan was "Make America a Great Dane Again". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick