Retired General John Kelly takes over for the fired Reince Priebus as President Trump's Chief of Staff today after serving as the head of Homeland Security. 

- Trying to manage Trump is going to make keeping ISIS out of America look like a cake walk. 

*****

Officials say a Spirit Airlines flight leaving Las Vegas was delayed after a passenger removed all their clothes while boarding.

- Apparently they thought the slogan was "What you Wear in Vegas Stays in Vegas". 

*****

Hot Dog eating champ Joey "Jaws" Chestnut  downed 92 tacos in 8 minutes and was crowned the Taco Eating World Champion at Taco Truck Throwdown 7 on Saturday.

- His arteries are more clogged than 696 during rush hour. 

- Joey should heed the old saying "Ask not for whom the Taco Bell tolls, it tolls for thee". 

*****

A new report claims that one pound of hamburger from your local grocery store can contain meat from up to 1000 different cows. 

- So if you want to know where the meat in your burger came from you have to log onto Ancestry.Cow. 

*****

After President Trump slammed China for doing nothing to stop North Korea's growing Nuclear Missile testing, China said Trump was acting like "a spoiled child". 

- Trump responded by tweeting "Oh yeah? Well your Mother wore army boots! SAD!"

*****

A man in Sweden died of a heart attack during surgery to enlarge his manhood. 

- Proving that like Football, Life is a game of inches. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick