Stand Up Jokes And Fall Down Accidents

TV insiders say that big time partier and "Tonight Show" host Jimmy Fallon may be headed to rehab for alcohol abuse after injuring himself 3 times in the last 4 months while intoxicated. A friend of Fallon says "He's a mess". 

- Jay Leno said he feels bad for Fallon...and immediately began working on his comeback monologue. 

*****

Hope you had a great Halloween! It's always fun to dress up and pretend you're something you're not...like the Lions! They went to London dressed up like a Professional Football Team. They lost 45-10.

- The last time something that embarrassing happened in London it involved a Hooker and Prince Harry in a Nazi uniform. 

*****

Congrats to the Kansas City Royals who won the World Series for the first time in 30 years when they defeated the Mets 7-2 last night in the 12th inning of Game 5. 

- Let the countdown for the Tigers' Spring Training begin!   

*****

Donald Trump told a Florida audience that his biggest weakness it that he "trusts people too much". 

- For instance, he "trusts" that everybody in America is going to vote for him. 

*****

Tiger Woods' longtime Caddy has written a book in which he claims Tiger treated him "like a slave", threw clubs around and spit in the holes if he missed a putt during practice.  

- But he admitted it didn't happen that often because Tiger spent most of his down time puttering around with his mistresses. 

*****

Apple has opened it's first store in Saudi Arabia. 

- It's in a strip mall right next to Bed, Bath & Burkas. 

- The store sells the same phones they do here, except Siri isn't allowed to talk.  

*****

Sources say another woman was assaulted by Bill Cosby years ago - this one was his kid's Nanny. 

- Her story is just like Cosby's other accusers...except this time it's with the Nanny and a spiked juice box.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #177: "Happy Halloween...And Happy Birthday to Daughter #3, Jill!"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to Halloween weekend and Podcast #177. Today Jackie and I go Trick or Treating for topics and end up with: 

- Halloween Costumes (including the one I wore when I used to take my girls out that didn't exactly stand up to the weather). 

- The costume Jackie wore last year... that nobody "got". 

- Why the on-air people who work at different radio stations who, for the most part, don't socialize with each other.

- We talk about a Plastic Pumpkin full of people including: Tom Shannon, Joey Reynolds, Cary Grant, Dyan Cannon, Lee Alan, Big Al, Pat St. John from Sirius XM, plus Jim Brandstatter & Robbie Timmons.

- And finally a "House of Horrors" (for U of M fans) ...the infamous dropped punt. 

So hop on a broomstick and fly into Podcast #177.  (29:24) Unlike most Halloween treats...it won't cause cavities! 

Have a great weekend, don't forget to turn back your clocks Sunday morning at 2am, and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

GOP PO'ed

Candidates at last night's Republican Presidential Debate took aim, not so much at each other, but at CNBC and it's moderators for trying to pit the Candidates against each other, asking "stupid" questions and showing a clear Democrat bias. Here's an example...

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie shamed CNBC moderators for a question on fantasy football. “Fantasy Football? We have ISIS and al Qaeda attacking us and we’re talking about fantasy football?” When the moderator tried to interrupt him, Christie added “Even in New Jersey what you’re doing is called rude.”

- The moderator was left with egg on his face, which Christie them scrambled and ate as a post-debate snack. 

*****

Carly Fiorina, who is trailing in the polls, said last night that she is "Hillary Clinton's worst nightmare". 

- Bill Clinton was thrilled saying "And all this time I thought I was Hillary's worst nightmare!" 

*****

Big morning for Paul Ryan as he becomes the Speaker of the House, taking the reigns from the retiring John Boehner. 

- As a parting honor to Boehner, Ryan had his face spray-tanned before heading to Congress.

*****

A study by Clear Labs has found Human DNA in 14% of packaged Hot Dogs.

- I've found that if you put on enough mustard and relish, you can barely taste the DNA. 

*****

Beverly Hills dermatologist Arnie Klein, known as the "Father of Botox", passed away on Monday of natural causes at the age of 70. 

- He was 70, but didn't look a day over 25.    

- Mourners at his funeral showed little emotion...because they can't.  

*****

A condom store in Pennsylvania is under fire for a window display that shows two skeletons having sex. 

- That sounds like something that would happen in Transylvania not Pennsylvania. 

- I suspect the skeletons are missing some necessary parts.  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

You'll Kick Yourself If You Miss This One...

Attention MSU fans...two footballs used in the now famous MSU/Michigan game a week ago and signed by Mark Dantonio are up for auction. The highest bid so far is $2500. 

- They had planned on auctioning off the one used by Michigan's Punter, but somebody dropped the ball on that one. 

*****

Speaking of U of M, Coach Jim Harbaugh had some advice for trick or treaters on "Inside The Huddle". He said kids should have two different costumes so they can hit each house two times. 

Note to Kids: If you come to my house, that means you'll get TWO ladles of soup in your pillow case! 

*****

Costume retailers say that this Halloween most people will dress up as Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton. 

- It'll work out great since it's supposed to be cold this weekend and both costumes come with pants. 

- A lot of people were going to dress up as Joe Biden, but after thinking about doing it for a couple of months, changed their minds at the last minute. 

*****

An MIT study found that Global Warming will make parts of the Persian Gulf too hot for the human body to tolerate by the end of the century.

- So make sure to book your Syrian Beach Vacation now.

- This is going to make the "Wet Burka Contest" even hotter! 

*****

Kim Kardashian is 7 months pregnant and says she feels like a "$%^#&@! Whale". She added that her unborn son is sitting on her bladder and she has to pee every five minutes. 

- Her ex-step-Dad, Caitlyn, is having the same problem, but her's is due to an enlarged Prostate. 

*****

A pack of crackers that was handed out on the Titanic's lifeboats has sold at auction for $23,000. 

- The crackers go down great with a nice Iceberg lettuce salad. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

To The Moon, Alice!

Today is "Worldwide Howl at the Moon Day". 

- It all started the first time Kanye West saw Kim Kardashian take her pants off. 

*****

The Lions lost again yesterday bringing their record to 1-6. 

- "The Team That Never Fails To Disappoint". 

*****

Donald Trump told a Florida crowd that "America will go to Hell" if Hillary Clinton is elected President. 

- And millions of illegal immigrants "will go to Mexico" if HE's elected President. 

*****

The Secret Service suspended two agents who fell asleep on duty early last week. 

- They got tired waiting for Joe Biden to make up his mind. 

*****

The iPod turns 14 this week. 

- So if your iPod "sleeps" all the time and refuses to do what you want, it's because it's a teenager now. 

*****

Bill Cosby was seen walking the streets of New York City on Saturday. 

- He went to a broadway show. Apparently he had nothing to do since he'd run out of pills.  

*****

A study by U of M  found that cheese is just as addictive as drugs. 

- Finally...an answer to my Cheetos addiction. 

*****

A Price Is Right model stumbled and fell during a showcase segment. 

- She got right back up, and in the spirit of Bob Barker, had her pets spayed and neutered immediately after the show. 

*****

The Steve Jobs Biopic earned just $2.4 million in its first day of nationwide release. 

- Apple refers to it as the iFail. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #176: "We've Got A Lot Of Balls In The Air"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #176. This go 'round, still suffering from his Urinary Tract Infection, former "Purtan's Person" Joe Noune returns for an encore "performance" at the Purtan family dining room table. We juggle a bunch of subjects including: 

- Joe's Orange face (no...he's not going as John Boehner for Halloween)

- The "Mystery Device" that gave WXYZ radio 1270am it's unique sound in the '70's...and is now in my living room. 

- A baseball quiz about the 1968 World Series between the Tigers and the Cardinals, that starred three famous pitchers, one of whom has written a fascinating new book about his days on the mound. 

- And finally, can you name the NFL's best and most famous quarterbacks by Jersey number? We've got a quiz for that too. 

So don't drop the ball...tune in to Podcast #176.  (29:16) 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick

Joe Says No...Hillary Says???

After months of speculation, VEEP Joe Biden announced yesterday that he will Not run for President in 2016. 

- Hillary was so excited she went out and gave a speech, then used the money to buy herself 5000 new pantsuits. 

*****

And speaking of Hillary, she's appearing before the Congressional Benghazi Investigation Committee right now....

- Wearing one of those pantsuits. 

*****

The Fandango website crashed again because of a surge is ticket sales for the upcoming Star Wars movie. 

- It's the perfect date night movie...if only Star Wars fans could find a date. 

*****

His show went off the air in 1998, but 61 year old Jerry Seinfeld was just named Highest Paid Comedian by Forbes magazine...raking in $36 Million in the last year. 

- Not that there's anything wrong with that. 

NOTE: Ventriloquist Jeff Dunham, who was on my radio show a number of times, also made the list earning 19 million in the last year. 

- Well, it's actually only 9.5 mil since he has to split it with his dummy Walter. 

*****

Harry Potter actor Daniel Radcliffe told Playboy magazine that he's had major struggles with alcoholism. 

- Read more about it in J.K. Rowlings new book "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Smirnoff". 

*****

Kim Kardashian celebrated her 35th Birthday Wednesday. 

-  If you want to get her a gift, she's registered at Bed, Bath & Butts Beyond Belief. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Art Van "Drones On" About Big Sale

Today only - until 10pm - Art Van is giving away a free Drone with every purchase of $1999.99.

- Plus, you get same day delivery of your furniture...if you use your drone to deliver it. 

- So don't freak out if you see a faux leather sectional hovering over your neighbors front yard. 

*****

The Washington Post published a story online that said Joe Biden was running for President, only to yank it down 10 minutes later. 

- For our senior readers, think of it as a sort of digital "Dewey Defeats Truman". 

*****

Jeb Bush told CNN that Donald Trump is still acting like the host of "Celebrity Apprentice". 

- If that were true, Trump would have fired all the "illegal immigrant" who are working on that show by now. 

- Don'tcha hate to see these two guys building up such a wall between them? 

*****

A National PSA is urging kids not to lose their virginity when they're drunk. 

- The slogan is: "You Never Want To Forget Your First Time". 

- So basically, they're saying to have sex first, THEN start doing the Jell-O shots. 

*****

Do you suffer from"Wealth Fatigue Syndrome? Some Psychiatrists are now offering the super-duper-uber rich therapy to help cope with their feelings about being ridiculously wealthy. 

- Sounds like a Cash Cow...or in this case, a Cash Couch.

- They say "Money Can't Buy Happiness"...but for 10 grand an hour you can buy a therapist to listen to you whine about how much money you've got. 

*****

Oscar Pistorius was released from prison after just 12 months and will serve the rest of his 5 year sentence at home.

- Just to be safe, his friends wanted to remove all the bathroom doors but the idea was shot down...by Oscar. 

*****

Bill Cosby fired his long time attorney Martin Singer for undisclosed reasons. 

- Mr. Singer said all he remembers is Cosby inviting him over for a drink, then waking up and finding out he was unemployed. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

The Winning Canuck

43 year old Justin Trudeau became the new Prime Minister of Canada yesterday in a landslide vote for the Labor Party leader - who makes women swoon and is known to go shirtless. 

- So look for Trudeau to take a page out of Vladimir Putin's book, and post a pic of himself shirtless on top of a Moose. 

*****

Jeb Bush says he wouldn't trust Donald Trump with the Nuclear Football. 

- In a related story, Jim Harbaugh says at this point, he wouldn't trust Anybody with a football. 

*****

A Pew research survey found that 63% of teenagers send texts on a daily basis. 

- The other 37% had their phones taken away by their parents because of too much texting. 

- I only send one text a week. I'd like to send more but it takes forever on my Flip-Phone. 

*****

A Pennsylvania woman was sentenced to 10 years in the slammer for paying a hit man $1000 to take out three people. 

- It would have cost a lot more, but lucky for her she had a Groupon. 

*****

Eddie Murphy received the Mark Twain award for Comedy on Sunday night. 

- Dan Aykroyd was supposed to get the award this year, and Murphy next year, but they ended up Trading Places. 

*****

The NFL Network accidentally showed an interview with a Bengals player that featured several naked teammates in the background. 

- This was the second biggest botched play in Football in less than a week. 

- That's one way to get more women to watch football. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

One For The Ages

It's Monday morning... 5 Purtan girls Happy, 1 Purtan girl Sad following MSU's last second victory over Michigan on a bobbled punt attempt. With Michigan leading 23-21 and ten seconds to go, it seemed like a done deal. But when the clock ran out on a play talked about this weekend all over the country, and that will be remembered in these parts for a long, long time, the Spartans ended up the victors. 

Congrats to MSU...and condolences to U of M. Both teams played a great game, and despite almost giving fans of both schools a heart attack, it was something we'll never forget. 

*****

Oprah Winfrey announced that she's not only a member of Weight Watchers, but is now a member of the board and bought 10% of the company's stock. 

- And as a stock holder, she has the option to buy more "points" anytime she gets hungry. 

*****

Hillary Clinton is being criticized for speaking in a Southern drawl again during her campaign speeches in the South. 

- Hillary was reportedly upset, but said "I'll think about that tomorrow. After all, tomorrow IS another day!"

*****

On Friday, Astronaut Scott Kelly marked 383 days in space, which is more than any other American. 

- Except for Tom Cruise who actually LIVES in outer space and just teleports back to make movies. 

*****

A current "Bunny" living at the Playboy Mansion claims that the place is rundown, that you're more likely to see nurses than scantily clad girls, and that 89 year old Hugh Hefner spends his nights playing chess. 

- Apparently the only action Hugh gets is when his Knight jumps the Rook to take the Queen. 

*****

A survey revealed that U.S. teens are abandoning Facebook for  Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat - the app that lets you send a message to someone that disappears 10 seconds after you send it. 

- You may know it better by it's nickname: "Hillary Clinton's Emails". 

*****

Lindsay Lohan posted on Instagram that she's going to run for President in 2020. 

- Kanye West is considering bowing out due to the intense competition. 

*****

Angela Lansbury turned 90 on Sunday.

- But she's still working! Look for her new TV show "Metamucil, She Wrote". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #175: "U of M, MSU, OAB, and UTI's"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to The Big MSU/Michigan Game Weekend and Podcast #175. The Spartans are ranked #7 nationally - The Wolverines are ranked #12. Game time Saturday at 3:30pm in Ann Arbor. With Michigan not allowing a single touchdown in their last three games, they're favored to win, so it will take a mighty effort by Connor Cook and the Spartans to get on the scoreboard. Let the Game Begin! 

And speaking of battles...our Special Podcast guest, former "Purtan's Person" Joe Noune shares his personal "War  & Health Stories". Among them:   

-OAB or UTI? Does Joe have an Over Active Bladder or a Urinary Tract Infection? And is the medicine he's taking (which turns his Pee orange) also responsible for his recently-turned-ruddy complexion?

- Joe's Tour of Duty in the Pacific. (Mostly his appreciation of the Taiwanese women he met when he was stationed there). 

- And finally, a great never reported comment by President Eisenhower to his brother Milton, years after the War, about "the weather".  

So no matter who you're rooting for this weekend, Michigan, Michigan State or Joe (to get over his UTI)... take a "time out" to listen to Podcast #175. (40:58) Go Blue! Go Green! Or in Joe's case... Go Orange! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

Grouch-o Marks Big Day

Today is National Grouch Day...and tomorrow is National Boss's Day. 

- Coincidence? Maybe. 

*****

Donald Trump is demanding Secret Service protection. 

- If they refuse, he's going to build a giant wall around himself. 

*****

The United States was named the Fattest Country in the World by the Organization for Economic Development. 

- Well that really hit's below the belt... And above it too. 

*****

A Yahoo News survey found that 60% of College Freshmen are not emotionally ready to start college. 

- Ironically, 100% of their parents are emotionally ecstatic for them to go.

*****

A Utah man was arrested for trying to sneak into the VIP area of a Star Wars convention. 

- When his cellmate finds out what he's in for, this guy's gonna wish he was in a galaxy far, far away. 

*****

Caitlyn Jenner says she wears make-up everyday because Kim Kardashian told her to. 

- To Kim's credit, the right foundation CAN cover up even the toughest five o'clock shadow. 

- The subject came up when they were out Bra shopping together. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick

Bill Likes To Watch

Bill Clinton posted a pic of him in his hotel room watching Hillary debate, and tweeted: "What happens in Vegas...is I watch @HillaryClinton prove she's the most qualified candidate for POTUS. #ImWithHer". 

- The big question this morning isn't if Hillary won the debate, but who was in Bill's hotel room talking pictures??? 

*****

Donald Trump also took to Twitter during the debate, repeatedly referring to the Democrat candidates as "Clowns". 

- I guess it takes a Bozo to know one. 

*****

A Yahoo News survey found that cyber cheating can do as much damage to a marriage as regular cheating. 

- On the bright side, instead of getting an STD, the worst you'll end up with is Carpel Tunnel. 

*****

A study published in the Lancet found that two thirds of men in China smoke cigarettes. 

- They like them because, like their food, they come in cartons. 

- So this explains all the smoke and smog in Beijing during the Olympics. 

*****

The Bunny Ranch in Nevada announced that they will begin helping their "employees" pay off their student loans. 

- Instead of a monthly payment, they'll send in the money on an hourly basis. 

*****

Police found a cell phone and two chargers inside the stomach of a prison inmate who tried to smuggle them into jail after being out on a day pass. 

- Doctors aren't sure if they'll operate or just wait for the butt dialing to begin.  

- Eating a phone? This guy must have had quite the App-etite. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

Holy Moley...The World Really IS Coming To An End!

Playboy Magazine announced that they will stop featuring nude photos starting next March. 

- Wait? Playboy has nude photos? I guess I was too busy reading the articles. 

*****

President Obama told 60 Minutes that he believes he'd win a third term if he could run again.

- In fact he's got a new campaign slogan "Hope & Change The Constitution". 

*****

Bill Clinton is in Las Vegas but will not be in the audience as Hillary takes on her opponents tonight in the first Democrat debate. 

- No word on what Bill will be doing, but I'm sure it will take "What Happens In Vegas, Stays In Vegas" to a whole new level. 

*****

Aerosmith is demanding that Donald Trump stop using their song "Dream On" at his rallies. 

- And if you think The Donald is going to agree, you can Dream On. 

*****

A report by the Economist named England as the best place to die with dignity.

- The place to die with the least dignity is on stage at the Airport Ramada. 

*****

Over 500 Southwest flights were delayed Monday because of a computer glitch. 

- So basically people just had to wait longer to find out their luggage was missing. 

*****

A Maryland man was arrested after he robbed a convenience store and tried to use an Uber taxi as his getaway car. 

- He HAD to rob the store or he never would have been able to afford Uber. 

*****

Former porn star Candida Royalle has died at the age of 64. 

- The cemetery will give her something her movies never did...A plot. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #174: "Hangin' Ten With The Purtans"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #174. Today my wife Gail joins Jackie and me at the Purtan Dining Room Table for a conversation including: 

- The fashion trend of SUPER pregnant women wearing SUPER tight maternity clothing. 

- The Womans' Conundrum: Sleeveless dresses and flabby arms. 

- Pasties vs. Pasties. (One is worn by strippers...the other you have for dinner)

- 1960's Surf Rock Music... including a quiz. 

- Surf Rock Movies. 

- How Surf Rock music influenced TV show Theme Songs. (Book 'em Dano!)

- And finally, my 3 year old Grandson Brayden, his 3 year old buddy, and a  pre-school bathroom story that they shared.  

So join us at the table as we surf through a ton of topics in Podcast #174. (27:15)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

Caffeinated Clinton

Customers at a Starbucks on 12 Mile and Telegraph in Southfield got more than a half-caf latte yesterday... Bill Clinton stopped by and took some pictures with customers before attending a fund raiser for Hillary. 

- The visit was a big surprise...most people thought he'd stop at Hooter's. 

*****

Meanwhile... The Hill.com is reporting that Hillary Clinton is having a hard time coming up with a campaign theme. 

- Hillary's staff allegedly sent her a whole bunch of ideas, but she accidentally deleted them. 

*****

Harvard's National Champion Debate team lost to a team comprised of New York State Prison Inmates. 

- As champions, the Prisoners have been invited to the White House to hang out with the Washington DC criminals. 

*****

Julio Iglesias says he will no longer perform at Donald Trump's casinos because of Trump's comments about Mexicans. 

- Willie Nelson will reportedly fill in and debut his new song about Trump called "To All The Girls I've Called Ugly Before". 

*****

CBS is developing a Nancy Drew TV show. 

- To make it more current, Nancy will not only solve crimes, but will sleep with both of the Hardy Boys. 

*****

Airbus plane manufacturers have filed a patent for a seat configuration that would have passengers stacked on top of one another. 

- This is going to make it a lot easier to become a member of the "Mile High Club". 

*****

A new study claims that a half-hour of exercise a day is not enough to prevent heart failure.  

- Great. That's just the kind of news that could give someone a heart attack. 

*****

This year's nominees for the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame include Steve Miller, The Cars & Chicago. 

- Odds makers are split on the Chicago vote, saying it could be 25 or 6 to 4. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

Do Put Off Today What You Can't Do Tomorrow

Have some pesky errands to run today? You may as well put them off until tomorrow, because according to eBibleFellowship.com, tomorrow will never come. The site claims that according to the Bible, the earth will be annihilated today. 

- And tomorrow night Brian Williams will broadcast an hour long special on how he survived it. 

*****

Edward Snowden says he'd be willing to go to prison in order to return to the United States. 

- I can't believe they haven't already brought him back to hack into Hillary's server. 

*****

Turns out that Apple makes $513 on every iPhone they sell. 

- Executives call it the iProfit. 

*****

Facebook announced that they're going to start beaming free Internet to Africa via satellite. 

- So now instead of just emailing that guy in Nigeria, you can actually "Friend" him! 

- The African's will post annoying cat videos too...but they'll be of Lions and Tigers doing cute stuff.

*****

Kim Kardashian told an interviewer that pregnancy is the worst experience of her life.

- And that's saying a lot for a girl who's step-dad is now her step-mom. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Almond Boneless Themepark

If your looking for some outdoor fun this fall, you might travel over to China for the new Communist Theme Park. 

- The only problem is, park admission is free for everyone, but only government officials get to ride the rides.

- If you've ever wanted to go on a roller coaster run by an underpaid 5 year old, this park is for you. 

- The "Commie Coaster" is reportedly so much fun, after you ride it, you want to ride it again an hour later. 

- If you go there, they guarantee you'll have a sweet...and sour time. 

*****

Hillary Clinton unveiled her new gun control policy on Monday. 

- I don't know... She can't even get her husband to keep his gun in it's holster. 

*****

An Internet hoax claimed that Calitlyn Jenner was thinking about changing back to Bruce, because the whole thing was a bad idea. 

- This is a whole new take on the "He Said/She Said" thing. 

*****

A Tennessee man who was arrested for stealing a truck told police he did it he could spend some time in jail away from his wife. 

- Apparently he doesn't realize that in Jail, he's going to BE somebody's wife. 

*****

Steve Jobs' ex is calling the new movie "Steve Jobs" a travesty. 

- But his kids say he would have liked the film and so do they. Proving that the Apples don't fall far from the tree. 

*****

Matthew McConaughey is said to be completely unrecognizable on the set of his new movie, "Gold". 

- Sounds like somebody took a shower and put on a shirt. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

A Hair Trigger?

Donald Trump told a group in Tennessee that he always carries a gun and would shoot anyone who tried to harm him. 

- He carries it in his hair. 

*****

The hot rumor in DC is that Joe Biden will announce that he's running for President sometime this week. 

- It's a good thing Trump is the one packing heat and not Hillary. 

*****

Whole Foods announced that they'll stop selling pre-made Tilapia dinners made by prison inmates. 

- That's a shame... The fish was so tender you could cut it with a shiv. 

*****

A CNBC survey found that 20% of Uber users are holding off on buying a car because the App makes travel so convenient. 

- But considering what Uber charges, users could probably afford a Porsche for six months. 

*****

An ad campaign in California is accusing the hook-up App Tinder for spreading STDs. 

- Remember the good old days when it was just Madonna that was responsible for spreading STDs?

- And most the the STD's are contracted in the back of Uber cars. 

*****

A new study found that while teenage boys and girls text the same amount (167 texts a day), it affects girls grades badly, but not boys. They say it's because girls use texts to nurture friendships while boys just text important "stuff".  

- Like "Check out hot babe texting in front row". 

*****

Florida police say the person responsible for a hit and run last month was former Partridge Family star David Cassidy. 

- Admit it. You thought I was going to say Danny Bonaduce. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

And The Woman Of The Year Is...

Billboard Magazine announced that they're naming Lady Gaga as their "Woman of the Year". 

- I would have gone with Caitlyn Jenner... I mean she's got the whole package. Literally. 

*****

The Clinton campaign revealed that Hillary has raised $28 million in the last 3 months. 

- Put another way, she gave 4 speeches. 

*****

Meanwhile CNN is reporting that Joe Biden acted "very presidential" at the UN Conference. 

- Which basically means he didn't use his notepad to doodle "Kim Jong Un Is A Meanie" like he usually does. 

*****

A new App called "Peeple" will allow users to rate friends, co-workers and even romantic partners on a scale of one to five stars...then post it for all the world to see. 

- They should just call it "Bill Cosby's Worst Nightmare". 

- This is going to take the expression "Everyone's a critic" to a whole new level. 

*****

"Duck Dynasty" star Phil Robertson has endorsed Donald Trump for President. 

- If Trump can just get Honey Boo Boo to say she likes him, he'll have a lock on the all important "Moonshine & Shotgun" vote. 

*****

A new Yahoo survey found that teenagers in Montana have higher thoughts of harming themselves. 

- In a related story, teenagers in Colorado have higher thoughts in general. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast! 

-Dick