Dogs Put Nose In Owners Business!

An Animal Hospital in Denver reports that since pot has been legalized, there has been a significant spike in dogs needing treatment from eating marijuana. 

- None of the dogs were seriously ill, but all of them got a newspaper-to-the-nose from their owners for "stealing their stash". 

- Cat's were not affected at all. But admittedly it's hard to tell since they don't seem to be affected by anything anyway. 

*****

Medical researchers are warning of a new condition causing unwanted lines and wrinkles. It's called "Techneck" and it's caused by people spending so much time looking down at their cell phones, computers and other gadgets. 

- The only way to fix the problem is by having iSurgery. 

- Remember the good old days when the only problem your phone caused was a torn Rotary-tator Cuff? 

*****

A female Army soldier is catching heat for taking and posting a "selfie" as she hid in her car to avoid attending a flag saluting ceremony at her home base.  

- The Army is considering a new "No Shoot" policy...not for guns, for cell phone cameras. 

*****

The Governor of Arizona vetoed a controversial bill that would have allowed businesses to deny service to gay people based on their "religious beliefs". 

- So they'll just go back to business as usual and deny them service based on bigotry. 

*****

A man in Queens, NY was arrested for stealing a grandmother's ashes during a burglary. 

- Just another reason why you shouldn't keep your deceased Grandma in a fancy ashtray on your coffee table. 

*****

Scientists have developed a new "Death Test" that uses 4 specific biomarkers that can accurately predict whether even healthy people will die of an unknown medical condition in the next five years. 

- It's a simple blood test and makes a great gift for that special someone you really want to send into a deep depression! 

- The White House was quick to point out that the "Death Test" WILL BE COVERED under Obamacare!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast (#112) featuring my most requested "special guest"...former "Purtan's Person" Tom Delisle! 

Stay warm...

-Dick

The "Today Show" Puts On A Brave Face...

The Today Show anchors revealed what their faces look like without makeup. 

- Viewers said the pics make Bob Costas' Pink-Eye look downright sexy.  

- Forget Carnival Cruises...Kathy Lee looks like she just got back from a vacation on Royal Carribean. 

*****

A new technology aimed at eliminating genetic disease would combine the DNA of three people to make a baby, instead of two. 

- So now when mother's say, "Wait 'til your father gets home!" the kids will respond: "Which one?"

- Like Father's Day wasn't confusing enough in the NBA. 

*****

50 years ago Cassius Clay (aka Mohammad Ali) defeated Sonny Liston to claim the Heavyweight Championship of the World, but new reports claim the FBI believed the fight was fixed by the mafia. 

- They also believed Sonny Liston slept with Marilyn Monroe on a grassy knoll in Dallas.

*****

A study by the Mayo Clinic found that the average American is idle for 8 hours a day. 

- The technical name for it is "A good night's sleep". 

- That doesn't count Kelly Clarkson who's turned being an Idol American into an entire career. 

*****

According to the gossip site TMZ, Stevie Wonder's girlfriend wants to "see other people". 

- Stevie said, "Get in line". 

- She threw salt on the wound by saying she plans on going on a few blind dates. 

*****

76 year-old Jane Fonda says that she cries when she thinks about how little time she has left on this earth. 

- You know what they say..."So many enemy tanks to sit on...So little time!"

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

"Skate Softly... And Carry A Big Stick!"

Tonya Harding told NBC that she does a lot of yard work since giving up figure skating. 

- Sure...that's easy for her since she's got two good knees! 

*****

In an effort to boost cancer awareness, CBS is giving away a trip to New York City for a free colonoscopy. 

- And you thought having your pocket picked was the most invasive thing that could happen to you on a trip to the Big Apple. 

- CBS claims there's already been quite a run on entries. 

*****

Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel says he'll shrink the U.S. Army to its smallest size since just before World War II. 

- Is it just me or would this be like FDR sending a "Save the Date" card to Hitler so he could plan ahead for the D-Day invasion? 

- He also plans to send our enemies GPS locators so they can pinpoint exactly where our reduced amount of soldiers are stationed. 

*****

Google's director of engineering predicts that computers will be smarter than humans by 2029. 

- Why not? They're already smarter than Chuck Hagel. 

*****

CNN is canceling the Piers Morgan Show, citing low ratings. 

- At CNN, "Low Ratings" means even the guys in the control room aren't watching the show. 

*****

Pope Francis told a group of Cardinals that they should all behave like the Saints. 

- So first thing this morning, they got in a huddle and patted each other on the butts. 

*****

RIP...Harold Ramis. The comedic writer, director and actor who starred in films including "Ghostbusters" and "Stripes" died at age 69. 

- Sometimes the answer to "Who Ya Gonna Call?" should be "911" not "Ghostbusters". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Putin Out The Flame At The Sochi Olympics...

Congratulations to Stevie Yzerman as GM and the Red Wings' Mike Babcock as Coach, who led Team Canada to their second consecutive Olympic Hockey Gold Medal! 

Also... in College B-Ball... Michigan upset MSU 79-70!  

*****

The Sochi Games are over and Russia led all nations in Medals...

- ...And stray dogs. 

The USA came in second in the total medal count. 

- But we came in #1 in the "Ugly Sweater Competition".

 *****

Maria Von Trapp - one of the seven Von Trapp Children - depicted in the movie "The Sound Of Music" (she was portrayed as the blond daughter "Louisa" in the movie) died at the age of 99. 

- The announcement came when a doctor ran out the front door of the hospital dressed in a Nazi uniform and yelled, "She's Gone!!!"

- The nurses are said to be thrilled that they no longer have to try to figure out "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?"! 

*****

Justin Bieber has scouted six houses for sale in Buckhead, Georgia. 

- It's unclear if he wants to buy them or egg them. 

*****

The Gregorgian Calendar was established on this date in the year 1582. It's the most widely used calendar in the world. 

- If you don't count the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

IT'S RADIOTHON DAY 2014!!!!!

It’s finally here… As I write this the 27th Annual Salvation Army 16 Hour Radiothon benefiting the Bed and Bread Club is underway live at the Oakland Mall and being broadcast live on 760 AM WJR. 

This is THE major fundraiser for this amazing program that feeds 5000 men, women, and children every day - 365 days a year - and shelters nearly 600 people a night.  

A donation of $10 a month ($120 a year) FEEDS ONE  PERSON FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR; $20 a month ($240 a year) FEEDS TWO PEOPLE FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR.  If you are able to donate $240 - you’ll receive a commemorative "Bed & Bread Truck Snow Globe" with a miniature Bed & Bread Club Truck in the snow, and Yours Truly hanging out the window. (How appropriate for this record breaking winter! ) as a reminder of your kindness and generosity. But whatever you can afford to give is welcome and appreciated!

                    Big Al 

Jackie doing her debut Stand-Up Act at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle during "Comedy for a Cause"...an event leading up to the Radiothon that raised $25,000!

Through the years, this Radiothon has become the single biggest one-day Radiothon in the country raising more money in just 16 hours than any other event of it’s kind.  

And I am thrilled that Big Al, Jackie & I will be back behind the mics to host the 4pm to 8pm segment of today's Radiothon.  It's a "Purtan's People" Reunion and it couldn't be for a more worthy cause. 

There are thousands of people in our community who count on The Bed & Bread Program - funded exclusively by your donations - to survive.  For many it is the difference between eating or going hungry;  Sleeping in a freezing cold abandoned building or in a warm Salvation Army Shelter.  In reality, for so many men, women and children, it’s the difference between life and death. And with the snow and sub-zero temperatures we've endured this year, I can honestly say that need has never been greater. 

I thank you so much for your support and contributions over the years and hope that - like me - today you’ll be donating by calling 248-528-0760 or going to www.wjr.com!

Have a wonderful weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday!

-Dick 

Don't forget to tune in 760 AM WJR to listen to the broadcast...or you can watch live streaming of the entire event @ wjr.com. But most importantly...DONATE!  Again...Thank you!

It's Radiothon Eve...And Other Sweet Stuff!

Time Magazine has named the "Kit-Kat" the most influential candy bar of all time. 

- The Kit-Kat? Gimme a break! 

- That got a lot of Snickers from the Three Musketeers. 

*****

Federal Health officials warn that an edible cactus may contain a dangerous pesticide that could induce headaches, vomiting and abdominal cramps. 

- The very same symptoms brought on by trying to get a policy thru Obamacare. 

- Eating the cactus can also cause Prickly Heat Rash. 

*****

A Washington Times study found that congress hasn't worked one full, Monday-Friday workweek in 2014. 

- Or 2013. 

- Or 2012...

*****

Muslims leaders warmed followers not to visit Mars because it poses a real risk to life. They added that those who do visit Mars will be tortured in the afterlife. 

- It'll be similar to the kind of torture Muslim women who have too big an eye-hole in their Burkas suffer in the "current life". 

*****

Abba revealed that the reason they wore such ugly clothes in the 70's was because Swedish tax laws made it impossible to afford fine fashion. 

- So that's they're excuse, what about the rest of us? 

*****

Russia's Hockey Team was eliminated from the Olympic tournament after losing to Finland 4-1. 

- After the game, Vladimir Putin treated the audience to something he called "Sudden Death Overtime". 

*****

A 101 year old man is running for Congress in Sarasota, Florida. 

- Well he's not really running, but he is making good progress with the help of a walker. 

- He says his opponent, Ponce de Leon, doesn't stand a chance. 

*****

TOMORROW IS THE BIG DAY...

The 27th Annual 16 Hour Radiothon benefiting the Salvation Army's Bed & Bread Club is almost here! 24 hours from right now, the Radiothon will be in full swing...raising funds for this incredible program that  feeds 5000 men, women and children in Metro Detroit everyday, 365 days a year, and shelters almost 600 people a night. A donation of $10 a month ($120 a year) feeds ONE PERSON FOR ONE ENTIRE YEAR. And if you can double it...$20 a month ($240 for the year) feeds TWO PEOPLE FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR. There is no other program like it! And the Radiothon is THE major fundraiser! It all takes place tomorrow (Friday, Feb 21) at Oakland Mall from 6am to 10pm and will be broadcast live on 760 AM WJR! And I'm thrilled that I will be hosting the 4pm to 8pm slot along with Big Al and Jackie! It's a "Purtan's People" Reunion...for an incredible cause! 

I can't tell you how vital the Bed & Bread Club is to the very survival of so many people in our own area. I was out on one of the trucks last week and saw first hand (as I have so many times) not only immense gratitude for the warm meals it provided, but for the Hope it offered to those who are lost and down on their luck.

I promise you that your donation...whatever you can afford...will truly change lives for the better. You can even make your donation NOW by calling 248-528-0760 or going to wjr.com.

Thank you so much for your support! 

-Dick

Just Two Days To The Radiothon...And Other Important Stuff!

The audience for Jimmy Fallon's first Tonight Show was 23% smaller than Jay Leno's final broadcast just days earlier, but Fallon got the exact same rating as Conan O'Brien got for his first Tonight Show in 2009. 

- No predictions yet on what the ratings will be when NBC brings Leno back to host the Tonight Show starting in March. Right...The odds of that happening are about as good as them signing Carrot Top to replace Fallon

*****

Dozens of celebrities made cameos on Fallon's debut, including Joan Rivers who hasn't been on the Tonight Show in 30 years. 

- A lot of people were surprised that she showed her face after all these years. Well...it's not technically her real face. 

- Joan has had so many face lifts, she has crows feet on the back of her neck. 

*****

VH-1 has given the go-ahead to a show called "Naked Dating" which will feature people going on dates in the Nude. 

- Participants are encouraged to "Let go of their inhibitions, keep an open mind, and never order Hot Soup". 

- If only the government would be this transparent! 

- We can only hope they never do a Celebrity Edition with the guys from Duck Dynasty. 

*****

Nestle has issued a voluntary recall of it's Philly Cheesesteak "Hot Pockets" because they may have been made using meat that is "unfit for human consumption". 

- Like guys with a microwave really care whether their food is fit for human consumption. 

- Meanwhile in North Korea, Hot Pockets made with Kim Jong Un's Uncle are flying off the shelves.

*****

Barbara Walters admitted on "The View" that she has a sex-toy that she refers to as her "Selfie". 

- I'm putting that on my list of "The 10 Most Fascinating Things I Didn't Need to Know" of 2014. 

*****

Simon Cowell's baby-mama girlfriend was seen shopping for baby clothes in NYC just days after giving birth. 

- Simon, who was on hand for the birth, called it "one of the worst deliveries he had ever seen and criticized his girlfriends screams during labor for being "too pitchy". 

*****

Don't forget to remember! The 27th Annual Salvation Army 16 Hour Radiothon benefiting the Bed & Bread Club is THIS FRIDAY - FEB. 21 on 760 AM WJR! That's less than two days away! The Bed & Bread Club is a truly astounding and vital program that feeds more than 5000 people a day and shelters almost 600 people a night. A donation of just $10 a month ($120/yr) FEEDS ONE PERSON FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR...and if you can double that to $20 a month ($240 for the year) you'll FEED TWO PEOPLE FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR. 

As always, the event will be held at the Oakland Mall from 6am to10pm - with Yours Truly, Big Al and Jackie hosting the 4pm to 8pm segment! You can donate then or now, by calling 248-528-0760 or go to wjr.com. 

I hope you'll consider donating to this remarkable program! 

-Dick

Hello Radiothon! But Bye, Bye Bozos???

America's biggest circus clown organization says the nation is facing a massive clown shortage. 

- Unless you count the Bozos elected to Congress.

- They new something was up when they threw the annual Clown Convention and only three clowns got out of each of the tiny cars. 

- Maybe aspiring horn-honkers are afraid retiring Clowns are leaving shoes just too big to fill. 

*****

With Americans Meryl Davis and Charlie White taking the Gold in Olympic Ice Dancing, the sport is really catching on. 

- With the success of all the "Ice Twizzling" that was required for each skater, they're already considering adding "Ice Twerking" to the 2020 Winter Games. 

*****

President Obama says that signing up for Obamacare is a part of "growing up". 

- By that he means you're a teenager when you try to get on the website, and by the time you actually get a policy, you're all grown up. 

*****

Scientists say that extreme loneliness increases your chances of an early death by 14 percent. 

- On the bright side, you'll have a lot less time to sit around being miserable. 

*****

Australian scientis have invented a "hangover free" beer that keeps drinkers from getting dehydrated. 

- I believe this was already invented... It's called "Root Beer". 

*****

Actor Bradley Cooper said he showed up to a White House dinner without underwear. For some unexplained reason he felt he had to share this information. 

- It was like having Bill Clinton in office all over again.  

*****

Have a great day and don't forget! 

The 27th Annual 16-Hour Salvation Army Radiothon for the Bed & Bread Club is coming up THIS FRIDAY, Feb. 21st. This is THE FUNDRAISER for this amazing program that feeds 5000 men, women and children in Metro-Detroit 365 days a year and shelters almost 600 people a night! A donation of just $10 a month ($120/yr) FEEDS ONE PERSON FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR and $20 a month ($240 for the year) FEEDS TWO PEOPLE FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR. Nobody gives you more bang for your charity buck than that! And this year is very special for me... while I'll be popping in and out of the broadcast throughout the day live from the Oakland Mall and broadcast on 760 AM WJR, I will actually be HOSTING the 4pm to 8pm slot with Big Al and Jackie. It's a reunion for us - and we'd love to have you donate while we're on the air - just like in the old days! You can even donate now by calling 248-528-0760. As they say..."Operators are standing by!" and of course, we'll be more than grateful for any donation you can make! 

Thanks so much for your support...

-Dick

Hurray! Hurray! It's President's Day...3 to 5 inches Expected Today!

Today is Presidents Day.

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- The day set aside to honor Mr. Belvedere because as we all know, "He Does Good Work!"

- I just called him at "Tyler 8 - Seven One, Oh, Oh... for a Home Improvement date!" 

- All Federal employees have the day off in celebration...so it will be pretty much just like every other Monday. 

*****

The Navy admitted to destroying photographic evidence of Osama Bin Laden's corpse. 

- But he was "tagged" in several Navy Seal photos on Facebook. 

- Luckily we still have that great shot of Osama and his camel. 

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- Hollywood is going ahead with plans for a movie about two guys who dress up Obamas corpse and take him partying. It's tentatively called "Weekend at Osama's". 

*****

Joe Biden says that Americans should feel optimistic no matter who the President is. 

- I think Joe is trying to buck himself up for the devastation he's gonna feel when he doesn't even win the primary. 

*****

A survey from the University of Michigan found that 1 in 4 Americans doesn't know that the earth revolves around the sun. 

- 15% think it revolves around President Obama and 10% think it revolves around Kim Kardashian.  

*****

Russia's hockey team is blaming a referee for Saturday's overtime loss to the U.S. after he took away one of the Russian's goals. 

- The ref had no comment. Well, actually, he may have had a comment but he seems to have disappeared. 

*****

Justin Bieber's lawyers are fighting to prevent police from releasing video that shows him urinating in jail. 

- If I was his lawyer, I'd be a lot more concerned with police releasing the toxicology report of what they found IN the Urine. 

*****

Charlie Sheen is engaged to former porn star Brett Rossi.

- It will be his 4th marriage and his 2,957th time with a hooker...this year. 

*****

DON'T FORGET! This Friday, Feb. 21st is the 27th Annual 16 Hour Radiothon benefiting the Salvation Army's Bed & Bread Club. This amazing program feeds 5000 men, women and children in Metro Detroit everyday, 365 days a year, and shelters almost 600 people a night. A donation of $10 a month ($120 a year) feeds ONE PERSON FOR ONE ENTIRE YEAR. And if you can double it...$20 a month ($240 for the year) feeds TWO PEOPLE FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR. There is no other program like it! And the Radiothon is THE major fundraiser! It all takes place at the Oakland Mall this Friday from 6am to 10pm and will be broadcast live on 760 AM WJR! And I'm thrilled that I will be hosting the 4pm to 8pm slot along with Big Al and Jackie! If you're not going to be around Friday, you can even make your donation NOW by calling 248-528-0760. Volunteers are standing by!  

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #111: "Countdown To The Radiothon!"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and a fresh-as-the-fallen snow Podcast! (#111) Today's special guest (our most requested) is the very talented former "Purtan's Person" Tom Delisle. Tom lives about 45 minutes away from Podcast Central (i.e.: my dining room table) and he said his steering wheel still hadn't completely thawed out when he pulled in. 

That led to our discussion of the long, cold winter. (Whoever knew people could spend so much time talking about the weather - and not because they don't know what else to say?!) And of course the LATEST QUESTION: Is global warming really the cause of the mini Ice Age we're experiencing? Or is it just the fact that it's Damn cold? Period! 

From there, it's a natural transition to a story about my late mother-in-law, her older sister Ethel, and a holiday phone call that have made the initials "N.A.B.G" a part of our family's regular vocabulary. 

And with the 27th Annual 16-Hour Salvation Army Radiothon for the Bed & Bread Club less than a week away - next Friday, Feb. 21st - I'll explain the importance of this incredible program. Simply put, it feeds 5000 men, women and children in Metro-Detroit 365 days a year and shelters more than 600 people a night. A donation of just $10 a month ($120/yr) FEEDS ONE PERSON FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR and $20 a month ($240 for the year) FEEDS TWO PEOPLE FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR. Nobody gives you more bang for your charity buck than that! And this year is kind of special for me... while I'll be popping in and out of the broadcast all day live from the Oakland Mall and broadcast on 760 AM WJR, I will actually be HOSTING the 4pm to 8pm slot with Big Al and Jackie. It's a reunion for us - and we'd love to have you donate while we're on the air! Heck, you can even donate now by calling 248-528-0760. As they say..."Operators are standing by!"

And speaking of the Radiothon...we'll tell you about another event that I emceed the other night that raised $25,000 for the Bed & Bread Program. It was called "Comedy for a Cause" and featured not only a great Headliner, Taylor Mason, but the Stand Up Debut of someone on this very Podcast. (Hint: It wasn't Tom or me). 

While were on the subject of laughs, we lament the passing of the incredible Sid Caeser and I'll tell you how two of my daughters and I came to have a rather interesting meeting with him at the Plaza Hotel in NYC. 

And I'll finish up with a story about my daughter JoAnne that I'm pretty sure I'm going to get in trouble for putting on the Podcast. But hey, as they say, "It's Good To Be The Dad!" 

So join me as we gear up for the Radiothon and have some laughs along the way in Podcast #111!  (44:33)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here with my regular blog on Monday.

-Dick 

All Hail Caesar!

RIP Sid Caesar... The incredibly talented comedic actor, who hosted "Your Show of Shows" - a 90 Minute LIVE weekly Comedy TV show in the 1950's has died at the age of 91. He was - and still is - widely regarded as one of the most gifted comic talents this country has ever seen. I'm proud to say that the Purtan family has a personal history with Mr. Caesar! It's gets rather complicated - so I'll save it for tomorrow's Podcast! Here is one of his classic "Double-Speak" routines from "Caesar's Hour" - another one of his television shows - back in 1954. 

Using one of his controversial "Executive Orders", President Obama raised the minimum wage for federal contract workers to $10.10 an hour.

- Which basically means that up until now, the people who built the Obamacare website were making the same amount as the guy who asks if you want fries at McDonalds. 

- A lot of legal scholars say the "Executive Orders" are unconstitutional...so the President signed an "Executive Order" making it legal to deport legal scholars. 

*****

The FDA approved a pill-sized camera that doctors can use for colonoscopies. All the patients have to do is "swallow" the camera. 

- This is going to make for some interesting new profile pics on Facebook. 

*****

A nun in Italy who gave birth to a baby boy says she didn't even know she was pregnant. 

- Apparently she also didn't know that she's not allowed to have sex. 

- Nuns really frown on women having babies out of wedlock! 

*****

Michael Jordan's wife gave birth to identical twin girls in Charlotte, NC. 

- So now they've got a pair of "Heir Jordan's". 

*****

According to a new study, 67% of people in committed relationships know their spouses online passwords. 

- That's nothing compared to the 100% of NSA workers who know everyone's online passwords. 

*****

Iran sent war ships passing by the U.S. Atlantic coast to try and intimidate us. 

- The US Navy immediately ordered Royal Caribbean to send their ship "Norovirus of the Seas" to the Persian Gulf. 

- That outta give the Iranians a run for their money. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a shiny new Podcast! (#111).

And don't forget the 27th Annual Salvation Army 16-Hour Bed & Bread Club Radiothon is coming up in a little over a week, Friday, Feb. 21st live from the Oakland Mall and broadcast on 760 AM WJR. Jackie, Big Al and I will be hosting the Radiothon during the 4pm to 8pm segment. The Bed & Bread Program feeds 5000 men, women and children in our area every day and shelters over 600 people a night! I hope you'll join us...and of course DONATE! You can even make your donation now by calling 248-528-0760! Operators are waiting for your call! 

Thanks,

Dick

Jackie's Stand-Up Debut Boffo!

Proud Dad here... Jackie was a smash hit at "Comedy For a Cause" at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle last night! The event, which featured the very funny comedian Taylor Mason as Headliner raised $25,000 for the Salvation Army's Bed & Bread Club which feeds 5000 Metro-Detroiters a day!  

Next up: The 27th Annual Radiothon coming up live from the Oakland Mall on Friday, Feb. 21st! Big Al, Jackie and Yours Truly will be hosting the 4pm to 8pm slot broadcast on 760 AM WJR! 

*****

Bob Costas' eye infection has gotten so bad, he handed over coverage of the Sochi Olympics to Today Show host Matt Lauer.

- So we finally have an answer to the age old question "Where In The World Is Matt Lauer?"... He's in Sochi, Russia!

*****

Costas, who has anchored every Olympic broadcast since 1998, says his eyes are so red and swollen he can barely see and has no idea where he is.

- So he's basically become Justin Bieber without the drugs and booze. 

***** 

Barack and Michelle Obama hosted a State Dinner for French President Francois Hollande last night. Hollande attended the dinner alone, having left both of his girlfriends back in France. 

- He was going to bring both girlfriends with him until he found out Bill Clinton was on the guest list. 

- Reports are the French leader threw back a lot of wine leaving "Hollande Dazed and Sauced". 

*****

A new report by the Centers for Disease Control says that 3 out of 4 kids drink caffeine every day. Between energy drinks and soda pop, many children are already hooked. 

-So look for the new "Starbuck-A-Roos Kids Koffee Kafe" coming to a strip mall near you.

*****

A New York administrative judge ordered Larry Flynt's Hustler Club to charge sales tax on lap dances. 

- Hundreds of male IRS employees have volunteered to sit in the Strip Club and make sure the taxes are collected properly. 

- What's next? A Pole tax?

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

She's On That "Great Ship Lollipop" In The Sky...

RIP...Shirley Temple.

The curly haired cutie, and one of the biggest Movie Stars of the 1930's, who danced, sang and smiled her way into America's hearts during the Depression, passed away last night at the age of 85. Her family says she died of natural causes. 

*****

NBC Olympic Anchor Bob Costas' eye infection is getting worse... It's moved into both eyes and many say it's disconcerting to watch him, and adds to the "weirdness" of the Sochi games. 

- Doctors say it's simply a case of "Pink Eye" or as anti-Russians call it, "Communist Pinko-Eye". 

*****

Meanwhile, Russian security forces continue searching for female suicide bombers that may have made their way into Sochi. 

- The women didn't plan on killing themselves until they got a look at their hotel rooms. 

- Experts warn they may have "gone underground"...which is pretty easy to do in Sochi with all the missing manhole covers. 

- Vladimir Putin has taken a hard stance on the suicide bombers saying "If anyone's going to kill people during the Olympics it's gonna be me!"

*****

Canadian McDonalds released a video showing how Chicken McNuggets are made. 

- Not surprising to anyone who's ever eaten a McNugget, the film opens with the disclaimer: "No Chickens were harmed, hurt or even on the set during the making of this movie". 

*****

University of Missouri football star Michael Sam says he's gay and he's proud. And NFL insiders say if he's drafted by a pro team, he could made an extra seven figures a year in endorsements from Gay friendly products and companies. 

- So look for Sam to be the new spokesman for "Manwich", "Gay's Potato Chips", and "Bud Extra Lite". 

*****

Congress asked the Washington Redskins to change their name to something more respectful of Indian traditions. 

- Most fans say it's a bunch of Sitting Bull S---.  

*****

Have a great day...and I hope to see you tonight at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle in Royal Oak for "Comedy For a Cause" - a special show with proceeds benefiting the Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club. Tickets are $25 - dinner included! Tonight's headliner is Taylor Mason - and my daughter Jackie will try her hand at stand up for the first time! Doors open at 6:30pm. Showtime: 7:30pm. For reservations, call 248-542-9900! 

-Dick

Russia Running Rings Around The Olympics...

Russian officials inserted footage from the Opening Ceremonies rehearsal into the live Russian telecast so Vladimir Putin and his comrades wouldn't see the fact that only 4 of the 5 Olympic Rings actually lit up. 

- They did it for Russian Pride...and to prevent Putin from killing the people in charge of the light show. 

*****

Twitter users were up in arms after the male half of an American figure skating duo wore a gun holster as part of his outfit saying it portrayed Americans as gun-toting thugs. Btw...The team was skating to the theme from "Skyfall"...a James Bond movie. 

- He was going to skate with a Martini but was afraid he'd spill it during his triple lutz.

*****

The USDA has recalled 8.7 million pounds of meat saying it came from "unhealthy or unsound animals", but they won't say what stores or restaurants ended up with the meat. 

- You'll know pretty quickly if you have lunch at a fast food restaurant today and afterward enjoy the Taco Bell "Experience".   

- An "Unsound" cow is described as one who is "Udderly depressed". 

*****

According to a new survey, one in four 26-year-olds live with their parents. 

- Or as the 26-year-olds like to tell their friends, they've allowed their parents to move in with them. 

*****

A streaker ran across the runway during New York's fashion week. 

- Fashionistas said they loved his "Bold, Nude Look" and proceeded to order thousands of dollars of nothing to put in stores this Spring. 

- Some of the models were so shocked they fainted and had to be revived with imitation smelling salts so they wouldn't retain any water. 

*****

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have moved up their wedding date. 

- Sounds to me like somebody got knocked up and doesn't want to have a baby out of wedlock...no, wait, they already did that.  

*****

Yankees third basemen Alex Rodriguez dropped his law suit against Major League Baseball and accepted his 162 game suspension. 

- He said that after giving it some thought, he's "pumped up" about having a little time off. No more "pumped up" than usual, but still pretty "pumped up". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #110: "Don't Snooze...There's NEWS!!!"

Click here to download Podcast #110

30:02

Welcome to another frigid weekend and a cool new Podcast...#110! We've got BIG NEWS today regarding a rather important event coming up on Friday, February 21st!

But you'll have to stay tuned! (There hasn't been that big a tease since Phyllis Diller had her hair done).

First...Jackie and I sit around the Purtan dining room table to take on the very latest in current events. From the bizarre and downright dangerous hotel rooms at the Sochi Olympics (I'll explain why you should never book a room in Russia on priceline.com...munist) to a television milestone (I'm talking Jay Leno's departure...NOT Bob Costa's hosting the Olympics with "Pink-Eye"), there's plenty to talk about. 

Did I mention the allegations that Bill Clinton had an affair with Austin Power's Star Elizabeth Hurley? (We'll give you our thoughts on whether or not the former Commander-in-Briefs really showed her his "Mini-Me".) Plus...we'll tell you why we're so "high" on the idea of Justin Bieber's Dad being named "Father of The year". 

And speaking of musicians (Did I just call Justin Bieber a musician???) I'll tell you about the drastic measures that Dancing With The Stars is taking to attract younger viewers. 

And then we get to the real meat of the Podcast, when we welcome special guest Dale Johnson to the table. Dale will once again be serving as the Producer of the upcoming Salvation Army Bed & Bread Radiothon benefiting the all-important Bed & Bread Club - that feeds over 5000 men women and children EVERY SINGLE DAY and shelters more than 600 people every night. 

The Radiothon is coming up on Friday, February 21st, live from the Oakland Mall, from 6am to 10pm, and broadcast live on WJR 760 AM. And I am happy to announce that we'll be having a reunion of sorts. In addition to joining Paul W. Smith, Frank Beckman and the other guys during the day, yours truly will be Hosting the 4pm to 8pm slot along with some former "Purtan's People" including Big Al and Jackie! I hope you'll join us at the mall, tune in, but most importantly DONATE! The donation line (248) 528-0760 is already up and running if you want to get a head start. Just $10 a month ($120/year) will FEED ONE PERSON FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR, $20 a month ($240 for the year) will FEED TWO PEOPLE FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR! It's an amazing program - and with the weather we're experiencing this year - an especially life saving one as well.  

For all the details on how you can help change the lives of our friends and neighbors for the better...tune in to Podcast #110. 

Have a great weekend...and as I used to say...and still do..."Thanks for Listening!"

-Dick

Headed to Sochi? Better B.Y.O...h2o!

The Olympic Games in Sochi are off to a rough start and they haven't even begun yet. Journalists and athletes say they've been warned not to drink (or even touch) the "extremely dangerous" hotel water - which comes out thick and yellow colored, they aren't allowed to flush the toilet, and are asked to put used toilet tissue in a bag next to the commode. 

- In Russia, they're all considered Five Star Hotels. 

There are also reports that the bathrooms in the hotels each contain four folding chairs. 

- Apparently they want the guys on the firing squad to be comfortable while waiting to see if you flush the toilet. 

*****

Kremlin officials are claiming that Vladimir Putin's girlfriend will be given the honor of lighting the Olympic flame. She's a rhythmic gymnast. 

- Apparently Putin wants to show his appreciation for all her awesome dismounts. 

*****

Actor Tom Sizemore has come out with a detailed account of an affair he says happened between Actress Elizabeth Hurley and Bill Clinton while he was Prez. Sizemore says Clinton flew the Austin Power's star to the White House where they had sex while Hillary slept in the next room. 

- If she slept with that going on in the next room, is it any wonder she slept through Benghazi? 

- In a shocking development...Bill is denying the affair. 

- Hurley is also poo-pooing the story saying "I did not have sex with that man...Bill Clinton."

*****

Officials have confirmed that a private plane carrying Justin Bieber and his father across the country was so filled with pot smoke that the pilots had to wear oxygen masks. 

- Sounds like we've the front runner for this year's "Father of The Year" Award.

- The pilots had to put on the masks because they know it wasn't smart to mix pot with the alcohol they were already drinking. 

- They were also wearing ear plugs...just in case Justin started singing. 

*****

After 22 years, Jay Leno will host his final "Tonight Show" tonight. Jimmy Fallon will take over on the 17th... 

- ...And will probably only last until the ratings go down and NBC rehires Leno.

*****

IRS employees are getting $62 million in bonuses this year.

- And there's "not a smidgen" of a chance that any of them will forget to report that extra income.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with a Podcast worthy of a gold medal (well...at least a Bronze!)

-Dick 

Bush: Close But No Cigar!

Jay Leno has told thousands of jokes since taking over the Tonight Show in 1992, and a new study reveals that Bill Clinton has been the subject of more jokes than any other public figure with a whopping 4607 one-liners. George W. Bush came in second with 3, 239 jokes.

- Bush was so disappointed that he wasn't #1, he put a "Mission Unaccomplished" sign in his front yard. 

- Kim Kardashian was the butt of a lot of Jay's jokes, just not enough to make the list. 

*****

In a move to capture younger viewers, Dancing With The Stars is doing away with it's live orchestra and will use a Disc Jockey in it's upcoming season. 

- And I thought the violin section did such a great version of "Back in the USSR". 

*****

"Footlights", the only novel ever written by silent film star Charlie Chaplin will soon be available at a bookstore near you. 

- Unfortunately there won't be an "Audiobook" version since Chaplin wrote it as a Silent Novel. 

- Publishers are remaining hush-hush on the plot of the book but said it's main character is "A Little Tramp named Myley Cyrus". 

*****

The guy who made the much-maligned fur coat that Joe Namath wore during the coin toss at the Super Bowl says sales of the coat have skyrocketed. 

- Wear it with the hat that Aretha Franklin wore to the inauguration and you've got yourself one heck of a fashion statement. 

*****

Taylor Swift says she has no urge to pose naked in magazines and that she'd rather reveal more of herself in her song writing. 

- So teenage boys are going to have to settle for locking themselves in their rooms and staring at her lyrics. 

- Men everywhere are hoping that Susan Boyle has the same philosophy. 

*****

A new study shows that Facebook is leading to higher rates of infidelity. 

- The first clue came when they noticed a sharp increase in "How Many Likes Can I Get For My Mistress?!" posts. 

- I knew something was up when they changed "Words With Friends" to "Words With Friends With Benefits". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

"Liar, Liar...Pants On Fire!" That Is When He Actually WEARS Pants!

In a new poll, Bill Clinton has been named the "Most Forgivable Liar Of All People Who Misled The American People". Lance Armstrong came in second, Richard Nixon third and Bernie Madoff came in dead last. (President Obama was not on the list of choices.)

- Bill Clinton is kind of like Pinocchio...he's a liar but apparently there's just something lovable about him!

- Kathleen Sebelius says she felt snubbed to not even receive a nomination. 

*****

Super Bowl XLVIII was the most watched program in television history - with 111.5 million people tuning in. 

- The number would have been higher, but Peyton Manning's family turned it off halfway through the second quarter. 

- Sunday's game beat out the previous record holder: "A Very Duck Dynasty Christmas!"

*****

The Seahawks have returned home with the Vince Lombardi Trophy after trouncing Denver in the Super Bowl. 

- The people of Seattle haven't been this high since...well...any other day this year. 

*****

New concerns have emerged that software built for the Obamacare website was designed by techs in the very Anti-American former Russian country of Belarus. Experts fear it may contain malware that could steal Americans most personal information. 

- Luckily, very few Americans have actually been able to enter their personal information on the site so we're good to go. 

- The clue came when investigators realized that more Russians than Americans had signed up for Obamacare.

*****

Scientists now claim that exposure to "Third Hand Smoke" is just as deadly as smoking a cigarette. They describe it as "Breathing near clothing that has been saturated with smoke". 

- In an effort to ensure Michelle's health, President Obama has vowed only to sneak cigarettes when he's naked. 

*****

A Texas woman insists that her husband, the mayor of a small town there, was murdered, not trampled by an angry donkey as police concluded. Although boot prints were found on the man, an autopsy was never performed. 

- Apparently in Texas even the Donkeys wear boots.  

- It appears that the perpetrator was NOT a donkey, but the cops investing WERE Jack-Asses. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

"Super Blow-Out XLVIII"

The Seattle Seahawks decimated Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos in Sunday's Superbowl with a score of 43 to 8. 

- It was almost like the Lions were playing...except they wouldn't have gotten the 8 points. 

*****

Superbowl III MVP Joe Namath handled the coin toss dressed in what many thought was a ridiculous women's fur coat. 

- Well he is known as BROADway Joe...

- It was kind of like the movie "Behind the Candelabra": Joe looked like Liberace and he was surrounded by guys in tight pants. 

- He was going to wear his traditional pantyhose, but didn't want to catch a chill. 

- On the bright side...he didn't try to make out with any of the female reporters. 

*****

A Brooklyn woman called police after a man exposed himself to her on the Q train. 

- Wow. I would have thought Anthony Weiner would have taken a cab to the big game. 

*****

Iran has launched an ad campaign to bring in more American tourists. 

- Their slogan is "You'll Behead Over Heels In Love With Iran!"

- They're even making a movie about it call "Beach Blanket Burka".

*****

With the start of the Olympics just days away, the Mayor of Sochi is still insisting that there are no gay people in his town. 

- So apparently the male figure skaters haven't arrived yet. 

- Having been brought up by Catholic nuns, the Mayor put a sign next to the "Two Man Luge" course reading: "Leave Room For Jesus". 

*****

The Groundhog Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow over the weekend. 

- That means, of course six more months...I mean weeks...of winter. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out my latest Podcast (#109)! Just click on the link and enjoy!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #109: "Did Ya Miss Me?"

Click Here To Download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #109 featuring...drum roll please!...The return of Dick Purtan! (Okay...enough of referring to myself in the 3rd person. That's just weird). Anyway...after a three week vacation I'm back at the dining room table with daughter Jackie for Podcast #109. 

And we've got plenty to catch up on. From the insane weather (is it any wonder Chuck Gaidica is hanging up his Doppler?) to Justin Bieber's on-going crime spree, a lot happened in January. Most shocking of all has to be the news that The Captain and "Love Will Keep Us Together" Tennille, are divorcing after 39 years of marriage. (No word yet on who gets custody of the Muskrats). I'll tell you a story involving one of the Tennilles, a frisbee, and a pastel undergarment from my days Emceeing at Pine Knob. 

I'll also tell you why the Queen of England is being forced to live "on a budget", what target weight do airlines design their seats for, and a personal story about an encounter my wife Gail and I had the other day at Metro Airport with two women who give the word "clueless" a whole new meaning. 

I've also got a BIG (literally and figuratively) announcement  about the Salvation Army's Bed & Bread Club Radiothon that's coming up on Friday, Feb. 21. (I think you'll be as surprised by it as Jackie was). And I'll reveal some shocking news about a certain someone who is about to start doing Stand-Up comedy. 

So say goodbye to January and hello to Podcast #109! 

Have a great weekend! 

-Dick