Introducing the whyPad?!

Apple began selling it's new i-Pad mini yesterday. 

- I prefer old fashioned gizmos like my iPost-It-Note. 

- They got the idea from an employee named Goldilocks who said her regular sized iPad was too big, her iPhone was too small, but an i-Pad mini would be juuuuussssst right! 

*****

Scientists are reportedly working on building a real-life Starship Enterprise in the next 20 years. 

- Their hoping to use the ship to take William Shatner's hair piece to a galaxy far, far away. 

- Trekkies are so excited, they've already started packing up all the stuff in their parents basement for the trip!

*****

The architect of Obamacare said they expected people to switch insurance on their own, instead of getting kicked off their current policy.   

- If that's the case, why didn't they just have somebody from Geiko set up the website??? 

****

Bill Clinton said that Obama should keep his pledge to allow people to keep thier current health care plans if they like them. 

- Hillary added "If anyone knows anything about the importance of keeping pledges, it's Bill". 

- His comments come from personal experience...Bill just loves his intern! I mean Internist! 

*****

The lawyer for Edward Snowden said his client is running out of money. 

- And if he's running out of money, he's going to be running out of lawyers. 

- Snowden says he is considering calling Sam Bernsteinovich. 

*****

Congratulations to Tom Izzo's #2 ranked Michigan State Basketball Spartans who beat #1 ranked Kentucky last night!!! The score was 78-74. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

11-12-13

Today is 11/12/13... A numeric date that won't happen again for a hundred years...on November 12, 2113.  

- Which happens to be the exact date that Kathleen Sebelius is tossing around as the day the Obamacare website will be up and running...for almost all Americans.  

***** 

The U.S. Postal Service has struck a deal with Amazon.com and will be making Sunday deliveries for the internet giant during the holidays in select cities.  

- It's designed for those people who absolutely can't wait 'til Monday to get the "Painless Facial Hair Remover" for that special someone on their list.  

- The U.S. Postal Service is flaunting the agreement saying, "Now there's something Brown Can't Do For You!" 

***** 

Miley Cyrus says that her Godmother Dolly Parton is her role model.  

- Dolly once gave Miley one of her bras as a gift...to use as a one bedroom apartment.  

 - Miley got the idea to smoke pot on stage at a recent Music Awards Show in Amsterdam from her Godfather, Woody Harrelson. 

***** 

Tom Cruise was misquoted in the press when they reported that he said acting in a film can be as hard as fighting in Afghanistan.  

- He meant to say  it was as hard as fighting in Iraq.  

- You can read the whole story in the Scientology Magazine: "Making the Most of Your Reprogramming".  

***** 

Angela Lansbury says she thinks it's a mistake for NBC to do a new show called "Murder She Wrote" with a completely new set of actors and characters.  

- That's because all of the original stars, including her, are cast members on "The Walking Dead".  

***** 

Two New York women are suing a lingerie company that claims it's "shape wear" burns cellulite by using tiny caffeine capsules imbedded in the fabric.  

- The company claims they didn't lose weight because they added too much cream and sugar to their spanx. 

- Call me crazy, but I've always preferred my wife in Decaf Lingerie.  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!  

-Dick  

Veteran's Day 2013

To All Those Who Have Served In Order To Preserve Our Freedom... THANK YOU!

 *****

You woke up this morning and the Detroit Lions are in sole possession of 1st Place in the NFL North Central Division... Do You Believe In Miracles?

***** 

A German newspaper is reporting that Swedish pop group ABBA is considering a reunion next year. 

- ABBA back together? Mama Mia!  

- Germany has secret plans to invade Sweden while everyone in the country is at the concert.  

***** 

People are still talking about Matt Lauer and Al Roker's colonscopy on the Today Show last week.  

- The segment answered that pressing question "Where In The World Is Matt Lauer's Butt?"

- As predicted by Al, after the procedure both he and Matt experienced "heavy winds".  

***** 

Facebook has unveiled a new "Like" button, dropping the cartoon thumbs up in favor of the company's lowercase "f" logo.  

- If they added a cartoon "Middle Finger"...we'd finally have that "Dislike" button everyone's been clamoring for.  

 *****

The Food and Drug Administration reportedly has a plan to completely ban trans fats from the food supply.   

- Great. Just when we finally got our Twinkies back.  

***** 

New video has surfaced of admitted crack user, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, screaming the F-word 15 times.  

- He explained it away by saying he doesn't usually swear, but was incredibly drunk at the time.  

***** 

There's a new bacon scented deodorant for men that is supposed to drive women wild.  

- Or they can just stick to dating the fry cook at McDonald's.  

- I can hear the jingle now..."My deodorant has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R..." 

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday. And no matter what else you do today, take a moment to thank a Veteran!  

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #100: "Celebrate Good Times...C'mon!"

Click Here to Download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend...and as hard as it is to believe (at least for me)...PODCAST #100! As you read this, confetti and thousands of balloons are falling from the roof of Podcast Central, aka my dining room! (Actually there's just a couple of ceramic Pilgrims and some Turkey-scented potpourri - and they were there anyway).

To commemorate this Pod-umentus occasion, I invited my wife Gail, my daughters, and all the grandkids to join me at the table. To those who had other commitments and couldn't make it, I understand completely! And I'm sure they'll understand the upcoming "adjustments" in my will).  

In all honesty, Gail, and daughters Jackie, Jill & Julie, had a great time talking about everything from how the Tiger's new Manager Brad Ausmus' good looks will definitely make it more fun for them to watch Tiger games...to the obscene amount of money Prince Fielder makes PER PITCH. 

We also find out what huge social networking site is now "out" with teenagers (according to Jill's 16-year-old daughter Julia)  and what's the latest and greatest for the high school set. (OMG! It's like...whatever!")  Meanwhile Julie's 22-month-old son Brayden's love of Toy Story reminds us of a hysterical moment in Detroit TV history involving Carmen Harlan, Chuck Gaidica, Devin Scillian, "Woody" and "Buzz Lightyear" (News anchors say the darndest things!)

Plus we'll tell you why you should NEVER stick your hand in a bag of grapes & why Bruno Mars upcoming appearance at the Superbowl is causing "sour grapes" among some football fans. 

Our discussion of a new study that claims women with bigger butts are more intelligent leads Jackie's 12-year-old son Charlie to ask why we're discussing women's butts on the Podcast. (He's a smart kid...although when he showed us his latest Spanish homework assignment we find out he's more of a "smart ass" sometimes).  

On a sad note, we talk about the recent passing of Detroit Radio Jock - and our good friend from the WOMC days, Don Phillips.  

But fear not...We end on an uplifting note...how the girls really feel about wearing their Bras. (Something every father wants to hear).  

So grab a noise maker, put on a funny hat and join a whole bunch of Purtans as we celebrate PODCAST #100!!! 

Have a great weekend! 

-Dick

Obamacare: The Musical!

Singers Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood opened last night's CMA's (Country Music Awards) with a musical spoof on the failure of the Obamacare website, to cheers from the audience. 

- So look for upcoming Country hits about a guy losing his wife, his dog, his pick-up, AND his health care plan.  

***** 

Meanwhile, there are growing calls for HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, the one in charge of the failed website, to resign, after it was revealed that she knew for months in advance that it wasn't going to work.  

- Former NSA leaker Edward Snowden said, "She should have listened to me. I told her it was going to bomb last Spring!" 

***** 

When Sharon Osbourne sat down on the set of the "Arsenio Hall Show" and was asked what makes her show "The Talk" different from it's competitor "The View", she launched into a rant saying that with the exception of Barbara Walters, "Everyone else on that show can go F--- themselves".  

- She would have included Barbara, but Sharon is still hoping to make the cut for Bab's "Ten Most Fascinating People of the Year" Special.  

- So far, no comment from the gals over at "The View" - marking the first time in history they haven't offered up their opinions on ANYTHING.  

***** 

The government announced that the top tech officer in charge of building the Obamacare website has resigned after deciding that he "was going to move into the private sector".  

- In other words, he's movin' into his parents basement.  

- How is it possible that he got to keep his job long enough to actually resign??? 

 - If you want to follow his progress, just friend him...as soon as he figures out how to get on Facebook. 

***** 

Blockbuster announced it will close its remaining 300 retail stores. 

- Am I the only one on the planet who didn't know that Blockbuster still HAD any retail stores?  

- This is good news for people who still haven't returned their VHS copy of  "The Big Chill".  

***** 

Sting and Paul Simon are going to be touring together starting in February.  

- Art Garfunkel would have joined them, but he's not allowed to drive at night.  

- Sting is getting so old, he no longer performs with "The Police". Instead he calls them to report his noisy neighbors for playing loud music after 7pm. 

***** 

India announced plans to join the race to send a manned mission to Mars.  

- So now when you call for tech help on your computer, the guy on the other end of the line is gonna be even further away than he is now.  

***** 

Have a great a day and don't forget to drop by tomorrow as we offer up our 100th PODCAST!!!!!  They'll be something for the whole family...including mine! 

- Dick

Duggan Digs In As New Mayor Of The D!

From Election Central... 

Mike Duggan beat Benny Napoleon with 55% of the vote to become the next Mayor of Detroit.  

-What a feeling it must be to wake up and know you just became the head of the largest Bankrupt city in America!   

***** 

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted to smoking crack while wildly intoxicated about a year ago. He apologized and refused to resign.  

- But just in case he's forced out of office he's looking into other lines of work that don't have a problem with crack. Like plumbing.  

***** 

 Scientists say that women with larger-that-average butts are more intelligent.  

- If this is true, the Kardashian sisters are actually over-qualified to be members of MENSA.  

Meanwhile...Kris Jenner says she and Bruce Jenner are "still close" despite going through a divorce.   

-Does it ever end with these people? Someday it will...and it will be a BIG END! 

***** 

A study shows that prostitution in the U.S. is on the decline.  

- But more people are hiring lawyers, so basically a lot of people are still getting, well, you know!  

***** 

Zoos around the country are using a beagle with a trained sense of smell to let them know when their polar bears are pregnant.  

- It beats the old method of having the bear pee on a stick.  

- Zoos are also using another dog with a trained sense of smell to let them know when their Bears are Bi-Polar.  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Hurray! Hurray! It's Election Day!

From a new Mayor for Detroit (Duggan or Napoleon) to a proposal in Ferndale to legalize small amounts of marijuana for "personal use", there's plenty to head to the polls for today. 

- Coincidentally it's also election day in Prison and Kwame is said to be a shoe-in for "Mayor of the Yard". 

***** 

On the National level, incumbent NJ Gov. Chris Christie is predicted to re-capture his Governorship by a landslide.  

- Then again, pretty much anytime Chris Christie stands up, it causes a landslide.  

***** 

In a speech last night, President Obama denied saying that he promised all Americans that "if you like your health-care plan, you can keep your health-care plan, Period." The only problem is, he's been captured on tape at least 29 times saying that very thing.  

- Apparently he doesn't realize that the only people who don't know what he promised are the same two guys who still have no idea that just 15 minutes can save you 15% or more on car insurance. 

 *****

Kellogg's is laying off 7% of it's workforce due to low cereal sales.  

- When Tony the Tiger was shown his early retirement package, he said "Well that's Grrreat! NOT!"

-  Luckily, the employees still have their 401 Special K's to fall back on.   

***** 

Miami Dophins lineman Richie Incognito was suspended Sunday while the league investigates allegations that he was bullying a rookie teammate. He lashed out on Twitter against critics saying they're hiding behind "unnamed sources".  

 - This from a man who's last name is "Incognito". 

***** 

Justin Bieber was rushed out of of a Brazilian brothel by his security team with a sheet over his head.  

- It was easy to identify him because his security team used the Beebs own Spongebob sheet to cover his face. 

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! And don't forget to make your voice heard today... VOTE! 

-Dick

"The Catcher Is The Guy"

Sorry...because of the storms - our internet was down over a huge sports weekend! 

First MSU dominated Michigan for the fifth time in the last 6 years with a 29-6 victory. Congrats to the Green and better luck next year to the Blue! 

Plus... The Tigers have a new manager. Though he's never been a Baseball manager, most "experts" seem to think he's the right guy for the Tigs. With 18 years behind the plate (one of those - the 1999 season - with the Tigers) he knows the intricacies of the game.  And, according to my six daughters, he's a lot better looking than the previous manager. (No offense, Jim!)

***** 

After it was revealed that the United States had been spying on German Chancellor Angela Merkel, the 2 countries agreed to talk it out.

-  What’s the big deal? It’s not like they don’t follow each other on Twitter!

***** 

NSA Leaker Edward Snowden got a job working for a Russian Website.

- His first day on the job, he told everyone at the company who their “Secret Santa” was.

***** 

Pope Francis now has 10 million followers on Twitter.

- He’s also considering launching a dating site for single Christians similar to ChristianMingle.com. The Pope’s is called: MatchMadeInHeaven.com.

- This weekend he sent one out reading: “So tempted to buy Apples at Market! #Adam&Eve”

***** 

Despite Iran’s new President “suggesting” that his people stop chanting the phrase “Death to America,” the country’s Revolutionary Guards said they’re committed to using it.

- I guess "America Sucks" just didn't have the same "punch".  

- To be honest, they don’t have the money to buy new Business Cards.

 ***** 

Meanwhile Tehran is going ahead with it’s 34th annual “Death to America” festival later this month.

- It’s hard to believe it’s been 34 years! We were all so young and innocent during “The Summer Of Hate”…

******       

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out Podcast #99 now up for your listening pleasure! Just click on the Podcast button at the top of this page!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #99: "Halloweeners & Losers"

Click to download Podcast 

 Welcome to November…and Podcast #99! Today I welcome my wife Gail, my daughter Jackie and her 12-year-old-son Charlie to the dining room table. 

As we recorded on Halloween, Charlie was decked out in his costume, gray-haired Superhero “Danny Phantom”. I was, of course, dressed as my personal hero, Count Scary! "Ooooh that's..." (you know the rest of it!)

I then told Charlie a "fascinating story" of the time I dressed up in a giant rabbit suit to take his mom and her sisters around the neighborhood. He said "Great story" and left to go watch Spongebob in the other room on Nickelodeon.

We then continue with a discussion of the decision by an American University to ban Cowboy and Indian costumes. "Too offensive". Right... John Wayne must be spinning in his grave. 

Then we get down to the real brass tacks with a critical look at Obamacare. Not just the website failure – but how the numbers really add up for Americans – including Jackie who has independent insurance, and got a letter on Oct. 1st saying that the plan she has (and likes!) will no longer exist after December 31st.  Gail and I know our letter is "in the mail" too. Now I'm no Einstein Bagel…but this whole thing seems like one big, incredibly expensive boondoggle. (And no one's even sure if "boondoggles" will be covered!) 

On a lighter note, we tell you about a new website that actually DOES work… It can tell you if anyone ever died in the house you’re living in. (It’s a great way to break the ice when you have friends over for dinner!) 

We also ponder how Henry Winkler went from being “The Fonz” to an old guy on TV selling reverse mortgages, and talk about the hilarious commercials for the Dodge Ram featuring Will Ferrell, a horse and a pony. 

We also manage to work in some annoying commercials (does Deal Dash ring a bell?), how Jackie nearly bored her boyfriend too death, and how an episode of Jeopardy made me feel like, uh, ya know, real smart. 

It ends with a special gift for Jackie for a very special reason. (No…she’s not having a baby!)

So put away your pumpkin, dive into the leftover Halloween candy and treat yourself to Podcast #99!

Have a great weekend…Don’t forget to turn your clocks back Saturday night…and I’ll see you back here Monday! 

-Dick 

 

Here's Wishing You A "Soup-er" Halloween!

Happy Halloween to all the little (and not so little) nippers out there! It's not even "Trick or Treat" time and I've already seen kids and adults dressed as everything from a Disney Princess to the Obamacare Website. (The guy wasn't actually wearing a costume, he just told me that he planned on "Crashing" a Halloween party tonight.)  

As for my wife Gail and I, we have big plans - but are still making a final decision on our costumes.  

Here is our list of possibilities so far:  

- She'll dress up like a piece of chicken, I'll cover myself in green beans and we'll go as the  "Early Bird Special". 

- I'll dress as Hitler, she'll be Eva Braun...and we'll end the night by doing shots.  

- We'll wear incredibly tight rubber bands around our heads and go as Joan Rivers and Bruce Jenner. 

- We'll dress up as Obamacare "Navigators" and put everyone who calls today on hold.  

No matter what we decide on, I will of course continue my time honored tradition of handing out a very special "treat" to the kiddies who come to our door: SOUP!  

And I'm not talkin' "cans" of soup...I'm talking big, hot ladles full of the yummiest treat this side of Fried-Dough-On-A-Stick at the State Fair! "Snicker" or "Chuckle"  if you must, but the kids love it! (Despite the fact that it usually melts their fun-sized Twix Bars and Bubble Gum.) And let's face it...a nice big serving of Chunky Chicken Noodle or Creamy Tomato Basil (I'm offering two types this year!) is a whole lot healthier than a handful of M&M's! 

There is one thing I'd like to clear up, tough...I want to apologize for my soup choice last year. Turns out "Baked French Onion" may not have been the best way to go!  

No matter what you do tonight, here's wishing you a Safe, Happy and Dry Halloween! I'll see you back here tomorrow with a special "Post Halloween" Podcast (#99!). 

- Dick  

"Bend Over And Say Obam-Ahhh..."

The Obamacare website has removed the picture of the smiling young girl from it's front page.  

- They wanted to replace it with something more realistic...a glove handed proctologist asking a guy to bend over.  

***** 

There's a new website that tells you if anyone has ever died in your house.  

 - So a bunch of creepy, death-obessessed teenagers are able to successfully launch a website about a previous owner's grandpa keeling over in your living room, but the entire Federal Government still can't let you know if any future heart attacks will be covered by Obamacare. 

*****

Sylvester Stallone said that if he had a choice he would spend his life painting and sculpting instead of starring in action films. 

- Most Americans said if given the opportunity they'd make the same choice...for Sylvester Stallone.  

*****

Paris Hilton was spotted dressed as Miley Cyrus at a Halloween party.  

- Paris wore virtually no clothes and sat on a wrecking ball, or as it's more commonly known, "Her Career".  

 *****

Some University of Waterloo grads have invented a bracelet that automatically monitors the wearer's nutrition, caloric intake, stress levels, sleep quality and other vital signals. 

- The bracelet is available exclusively at NSAjewelry.com.  

- Just what we need for the holidays...something that tells us just how crappy we really feel. 

***** 

The Jonas Brothers have officially broken up.  

- Awwww...But it is refreshing to hear about a break-up that doesn't include Taylor Swift or the Kardashians.  

- The Jonas Brothers declined to comment as they were too busy carving pumpkins and getting ready to go Trick-or-Treating.  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday for HALLOWEEN!!!!! (Check out tomorrow's blog and I'll reveal who/what I'm going as!)

-Dick

President Wearing Hot Pants?

President Obama is now being called a liar by people of both political parties because many statements about the benefits of Obamacare, like keeping their doctors and their  health care plan, are turning out not to be true.   

- Most Democrats didn't agree with the "liar" part  until they noticed smoke coming out of the President's pants.  

*****  

A new survey finds that 38% of children under age 2 have used devices like iPhones or Kindles before they're even able to talk in complete sentence.  

- Well that's what Twitter's for! 

***** 

The first flying car is set to go on sale in 2015 for around $279,000.

 - Here's hoping Lindsay Lohan buys the car. It'll be a lot harder to get in an accident if she the only driver in the air.  

***** 

A new survey finds that an increasing number of middle class Americans plan to work full-time until they die.  

- Hopefullly, this does not include pole dancers.  

- On the bright side, it'll work out pretty handy for grave diggers.  

***** 

The credit union in the same building as the TSA headquarters was robbed.  

- The thieves managed to get away with a pair of tweezers and two 5 ounce bottles of hand lotion.  

 - TSA agents vow they'll get to the bottom of this...and then throughly search the bottom of whoever's responsible. 

 *****

Hugh Hefner and his new wife, Playmate Chrystal Harris hosted a party at the Playboy mansion dressed as Robin Thicke and Myley Cyrus from the MTV Awards.  

- There was a lot of Twerking going on...because Hugh forgot to take his muscle relaxant.  

***** 

Bruce Jenner will reportedly be walking Kim Kardashian down the aisle when she marries Kanye West. 

- Each lucky wedding guest will receive a gift bag including a gift certificate to Bruce Jenner's plastic surgeon.

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick  

This November..."Say Yes To Preparation H"!!

A Gallup Poll revealed that Americans find hemorrhoids more popular than Congress.   

- Are hemorrhoids covered by Obamacare? That is the Burning question!!!

- Congress says they won't take this sitting down...because they can't. They're butts hurt too bad from sitting around doing nothing all day. 

*****

Germany wants an apology from the United States for years of spying on their government.  

- We've been doing it for years, but the Germans were too busy coming up with an improved plan to invade Poland to notice.  

***** 

Giant George, the 3' 7" Great Dane verified as the world's tallest dog by Guiness World Records, died last week.  

 - North Korea will pay tribute to Giant George by hosting an all-you-can-eat buffet featuring...Giant George. 

***** 

Speaking of tall things... The world's tallest man, 8'3" Suntan Kosen of Turkey, has married a woman 2 1/2 feet shorter than him.  

- They get along on most things, but on others they don't see eye to eye.  

 ***** 

Tori Spelling told People Magazine that she is so broke, she can't afford a vasectomy for her husband.  

- Most Americans wish her Dad, Aaron Spelling, had used some of his fortune to get a vasectomy for HIMSELF!  

- Why not just sell her "previously enjoyed" fake boobs on Craig's list.

*****

Dr. Conrad Murray of Michael Jackson fame, has been released from prison 2 years after being convicted of manslaughter in the King of Pop's death.  

-  Finally! We can all get propofol without having to order it from an illegal online Mexican pharmacy! 

- Prison Guards say Murray walked out of jail, took a deep breath, and starting counting backwards from 100.  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out my latest Podcast (#98) with an encore performance by special guest star Tom Delisle! Just click on the "Podcast" button at the top of this page. 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #98: "A Few Things Of Note..."

Right click here to Download Podcast!

Welcome to another weekend and another Brand New Podcast (#98) featuring an encore visit from one of my most popular (according to his wife) and entertaining guests, Tom Delisle.   

Today we play "Name That Tune"... with me playing on my very own xylophone! (Okay it's not really the one in the picture - it's a tad more grown-up).   

Up next? Carnac says... "Cheating Wife". We'll tell you a story featured in the new book on Johnny Carson written by his former lawyer, that reveals exactly who it was that Johnny's second wife had an affair with. (Hint: He was a professional athlete and he like to take Carnival Cruises). You'll have to listen to find out exactly who was "tackling" Mrs. Carson. 

Plus we finally reveal the answer to that nagging question, "Why does former Tiger Manager Jim Leyland mumble so much?" And we'll explain the technical reason why baseball players and other athletes. spit so much during games.

Speaking of things you do with your mouth, Tom reveals why he hasn't eaten a single bite of food in 9 years.  (No joke there). 

I'll also tell you the bizarre story of the time my wife Gail and I were out with friends at a LA restaurant and noticed a couple who didn't speak to each other THE ENTIRE MEAL. They sat in complete silence as the woman ate crab legs and proceeded to make gagging noises with each bite. Then they got up and left. (Apparently they met on eDon'tTalkJustGag.com. 

Swinging back to sports, Tom tells us what Sparky Anderson told him when he asked, "Why does Chet Lemon slide into First Base all the time". 

There's also talk of why newscasters (not my daughter JoAnne of course) have begun using words like "Flippin'" and "Freakin'" on the air, plus the time Gail and I made a horrible mistake by giving a video wedding gift that went "Freakin'" horribly wrong.  

So before you even think about carving your pumpkins, carve out a little time to check out Podcast #98! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here with my regular blog on Monday! 

-Dick  

Breasts Head South For Winter!

Scientists at UCLA say they’ve discovered that the reason women’s breasts wrinkle and start to sag is that the human gene code makes breasts age faster than other body parts.

- Unless you’re a Hollywood actress in which case your breasts will always be toddlers. 

- Another contributing factor could be too many “invasive patdowns” by the TSA. 

- I guess it’s natures way of allowing you to sweep when your hands are too arthritic to hold a broom. 

***** 

CBS News discovered that the new “shop and browse” feature of the Obamacare website that estimates how much it will cost users to buy insurance, may be quoting them rates that are half what it will actually cost. 

- The policy costs just $19.99 – but apparently you have to pay $19,999 for “shipping and handling".

- None of this really matters since we’ll probably all be dead by the time the Website's fixed anyway. 

***** 

The new iPad Air is 20% thinner than the current model. 

- And it got thinner in just 30 days eating a bizarre miracle fruit as seen on Dr. Oz! 

***** 

China adopted a new law that limits the amount of time TV channels can air reality show.  

- We important everything else from China...why not this law?  

- So now TV stations will have to decide whether to air “Honey Wu Wu”, “The Real Housewives of Beijing”, or “Kids in Sweatshops Say The Darndest Things!”

- The official Chinese Government Channel will continue broadcasting 24/7 since there’s absolutely noting on there that even resembles reality. 

***** 

A British Company is offering people a service that will clone their pets. 

- Just what the world needs…more Shitzu. 

***** 

To promote the movie “Anchorman 2”, Ben & Jerry launched a limited edition ice cream flavor called “Ron Burgundy’s Scotchy Scotch Scotch”. 

- Most people say it’s so strong one scoop is enough, but Lindsay Lohan always asks for a double. 

***** 

Mexico’s government is angry that the American NSA is spying on it’s citizens. 

- Welcome to the club Amigos!

- Mexico is supposedly so upset they sent the Feds a note reading “Ask not for whom the Taco Bell tolls…It tolls for thee!”

***** 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast (#98!) featuring more great stories from the always fascinating Tom DeLisle! 

- Dick

Art Van To Sell His Personal "Ottoman Empire"!

Art Van, the founder of Art Van Furniture, has put his 28,000 sq. ft. mansion on Lake St. Claire up for sale for 15.9 million.  

- It sounds like a lot of money, but it comes fully furnished and Art will pay your property taxes for 5 FULL YEARS!   

- Plus there's no down payment and no payments until 2016, and just for walking through the house, you'll get a FREE set of wine glasses and a cheese board! 

- But hurry! The price is only good through midnight tonight!   

*****

Facebook was taken down momentarily this week for some network maintenance.  

- So people couldn't get on facebook to complain about the fact that they can't get on the Obamacare website.  

- Most traumatized of all was a Millie David from Oklahoma who was unable to share the news that she and her husband Cliff we're having slow-cooker pot roast for dinner.  

***** 

Pope Francis has temporarily expelled a German Bishop from his diocese amid a scandal over the $42 million dollars the Bishop planned to spend on a new residence for himself.  

- The Pope caught on when he looked at the plans and saw a 12-seater Jacuzzi labeled "Baptismal Font".  

***** 

Senator John Mccain says he's thinking for running for President again in 2016 when he'll be 80-years-old.  

- Sarah Palin is already backing him saying, "I can see his Nursing Home from my front porch!".  

- Ted Cruz vows to filibuster for as long as it takes for McCain to change his mind...or diapers.

***** 

Kanye West proposed to Kim Kardashian by renting out San Francisco's AT&T Park stadium, giving her a giant diamond ring, and having the Chicago Symphony play as the Jumbotron flashed "PLEEEASE MARRY MEEE!!!"  

- The best part was that their four-month-old baby was on hand for the festivities. Don't you just love it when the kids get to be there when Dad proposes to Mom?  

- The couple says they'll be taking their baby "North West" on their Honeymoon somewhere in the "South East".  

- Neither the date for the marriage, or the divorce, have been announced.  

***** 

A new Gallup poll found that for the first time, a clear majority of Americans, 58%, favor legalizing marijuana.  

- So basically people don't think you should end up in the joint for smoking one.  

***** 

The head of the Russian Space Agency believes a 400-meter-wide asteroid will blow up the Earth in 2032. 

- Experts predict another big crash on earth that year...The Obamacare website.  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Purtan Grandkids Called In to Help Fix Obamacare Website!

President Obama admitted during a speech yesterday that the Obamacare Website launch hasn't gone as smoothly as he'd planned, and that the Feds are bringing in top private computer companies to fix the problem.  

- Looks like my ten and twelve year old Grandkids are headed to Washington, D.C. this weekend!

- Chances are when they finally get it fixed, the "Navigator" assigned to help you sign up will be the Captain of the "Costa Concordia".  

***** 

Lady Gaga will star in a 90 minute Thanksgiving special with the Muppets.  

- Miss Piggy has gone into hiding fearing she'll be turned into a meat dress.  

***** 

Researchers from Northwestern University have found that getting a good night's sleep reduces phobias.  

- Especially the fear of insomnia.  

***** 

A California woman gave birth in a Barnes & Noble last week.  

- She refused aid from the paramedics saying she'd rather deliver the baby alone in the "Self Help" section.   

- Ironically the baby was conceived after she read "Fifty Shades of Grey" that she'd purchased at the same store.  

***** 

A London Fire Brigade had to help a man whose penis was stuck in a toaster.  

- Luckily the toaster had a "Pop Up" button.   

***** 

 "The Voice" star CeeLo Green pleaded not guilty to a felony charge of providing ecstasy to a woman.

- Meanwhile, a man in London was charged with providing ecstasy to a toaster. 

***** 

Dolly Parton sustained minor injuries in a fender bender in Nashville. 

- Fortunately since she's got her own, she had the airbags turned "Off" at the time.  

- Her headlights almost took out the paramedic who rushed to make sure she was okay. 

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!  And don't forget my latest Podcast (#97) with special guest star Tom Delisle. It's up now and features discussions about Jim Leyland, Al Kaline and a lot more! Just click on the Podcast Icon at the top of this page!

-Dick  

Jim Leyland Steps Down As Tiger Manager...

About a month and a half ago, Jim Leyland told Tiger General Manager Dave Dumbrowski that he would be be retiring as Tiger Manager at the end of this season.

Dumbrowski passed the information on to Tiger Owner Mike Illitch - and it stayed between the three of them until Leyland told the team after Saturday night's loss to the Red Sox. 

He said that he was proud of the team, but admitted that they let the American League Championship "get away from them". He didn't single out any specific players (saying that's never been his policy) and added that he believed next years team would be a good one and that he would be rooting for them in an as yet unnamed position with the Team.  

Thanks and best of luck to the Skipper for the Tigers' last 8 seasons!

For more on Jim Leyland check out my latest Podcast #97 with special guest Tom Delisle... Just click the Podcast Icon at the very top of this page! 

***** 

Marvel Comics icon Stan Lee has created a new superhero, "Chakra the Invincible", who is the first Superhero from India. 

- He's actually an unassuming computer tech support guy by day and only becomes invincible at night.  

***** 

With massive computer glitches keeping people from even getting on the Obamacare website, let alone actually being able to sign up, the Government says they are calling in "serious computer experts" to fix the website. 

- The team will be led by one "Chakra the Invincible".  

***** 

78% of Americans say they want to fire the entire Congress and start over.  

- Only 78%??? 

- The problem is they want to "start over" with George Washington and John Adams.  

*****

North Korea has built a big water park.  

- The only requirement is you must be shorter than the cut-out of Kim Jong Un to ride the rides.   

- In an effort to continue starving his people, there are no concession stands, but they do provide grills if you want to bring your pet dog along for dinner.  

 - Un's secret plan is to load missiles on the rafts, float them to the U.S, then explode them. 

***** 

The violin played by the band leader of the Titanic to calm passengers as the ship sank has sold at auction for $1.45 million.  

- It would have gone for a lot more if it weren't for the "slight" water damage.  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!  

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #97: "A Few Topics To Bat Around..."

Welcome to a Make-or-Break Weekend for the Tigers and a Brand New Podcast (#97)!

View fullsize

Jackie, our special guest & former "Purtan's Person" Tom Delisle and I recorded this
 "Podisode" just hours before the Tigs hit the field and lost Game 5 to the Bosox. Thus, we won't be discussing the loss - but we do run the bases when it comes to other topics! 

From inside Purtan family info (I reveal which of my six daughters was, shall we say, "very affectionate" at the age of 7)....to inside Kennedy family info (The Kennedy men were "very affectionate" at every age - okay, that's not exactly "inside info"...) But Tom was good friends with America's Royal Family and spent a lot of time vacationing with them at Hyannis Port.

He'll tell us about the time he "accidentally stole" a towel with a rather impressive monogram on it from the "Kennedy Compound", how he nearly died when Ethel's Kennedy's overloaded boat capsized, and he'll recount a remarkable verbal exchange between John F. Kennedy Jr. and his Uncle Ted. You have to hear it to believe it!   

We also talk about the rather embarrassing thing I do while swimming (it's not what you're thinking!) and Jackie explain's why, at her tender age, she still wants one of those "Walk-In Bathtubs".  

And despite not knowing the outcome of Game 5, we do talk baseball, including the astronomical amount Prince Fielder earns for every pitch thrown to him, and the whole "Bosox Beard" thing. (One word: Yuck!) 

Plus...we reminisce about the softballs games we used to play against the musical groups appearing at Pine Knob...including Chicago and John Denver. (Trust me, they were no Saturday in the Park!) and there's lots of other good stuff too. 

So put on your Tiger jersey, sit back and get ready to "Play Ball!" with Podcast #97! 

Have a great weekend, I'll see you back here Monday, and GO TIGERS!!!!! 

-Dick

In Case You Weren't Near A TV Last Night...

The Tigers rocked the House! 

2 Games a piece - nice Bounce! 

Still in race for Pennant.  

Meanwhile the House backed the Senate.  

Boehner Blinked. 

Obama Winked.  

Government no longer closed.

Debt ceiling rose.

Tiger fans elated!  

Americans still deflated! 

***** 

The Wall Street Journal says Americans will spend $2.6 Billion on Halloween costumes this year.  

- Costume sellers met the news with plenty of Chuckles and Snickers.  

- The majority of that money will go towards buying giant wrecking balls for those going as Miley Cyrus.  

***** 

President Obama said the coolest perk of being President is that he can call anybody in the world at any time, and they will answer the phone.  

- Apparently he hasn't tried calling a "Navigator" to help him sign up for Obamacare. 

- He added the best one of all was when he pranked Kim Jong Un in the middle of the night, by calling and asked how his short range missile was doing.  

***** 

A 63-year-old Washington sate man claims he has had sex with 999 cars.  

- As opposed to some Frat boys who claim to have had sex IN 999 cars. 

- This gives a whole new meaning to your car having "heated seats".  

 - He says he's not picky, but prefers "model types, with a removable top and nice headlights". 

***** 

It was reported that 16 and 17-year-old Kardashian kids Kylie and Kendall Jenner were spotted at a club getting drunk with an unidentified adult. 

- The only thing shocking about this story is that the "adult" wasn't one of their parents. 

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow (Friday) with an all-new Podcast! (#97)! 

-Dick