Verlander Sizzles; Tiger Bats Fizzle...

Great frustration from Tiger fans everywhere because the Tiger starting pitching has been excellent, and yet...in the last two games with sparkling performances by both Max Scherzer and Justin Verlander the Tigers lost both games. The Tiger bats are MIA. Let's hope that changes tonight, in Game 4 with Doug Fister on the mound. Game time: 8:07. 

Go Tigers!!! 

***** 

A new survey of NJ residents found that Governor Chris Christie is more popular than...wait for it...New Jersey's own Bruce Springstein.  

- Apparently they think Christie was "Born to Run" even more than "The Boss". 

- To be fair, the survey was conducted at a Krispy Kreme Donut Shop. 

***** 

Bloomberg News reports that the economy is so rough, some women are selling their hair, eggs and breast milk just to make ends meet.  

- Men are complaining that if women continue to do this, there won't be anything left to hang onto. 

***** 

53% of people say they would rather have a cup of coffee in the morning than have sex.  

- How lucky is MSNBC's Joe Scarborough's wife? No matter how you look at it, she gets her "Morning Joe"!

- In a related story, it was announced that the average price for a hooker is just slightly less than a large coffee at Starbucks. 

***** 

Hillary Clinton told the crowd at a bizarre behind-closed-door speech to the "National Association of Convenience Stores" that she was one of the biggest supporters of the raid that took out Osama Bin Laden, while Joe Biden (her potential rival in 2016) was completely against it. 

- Joe Biden would have been mad at her remarks, but admitted he had no recollection of the raid.  

- Convenience store attendees said they learned a lot, while the only thing Hillary learned is that the manager does not have a key to the safe.  

***** 

The head of staffing for Congress says that the requirement that staffers give up their government health plans for Obamacare is already causing a "brain drain" as top staffers resign.  

- Which is a big problem because "brain drain" is not covered under Obamacare.  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday. GO TIGERS!!! 

-Dick

C'mom Tigs...Turn 'Em Into Bearded Ladies!!!

Series tied at 1 each. Game 3 against the Bosox at 4:07 this afternoon at Comerica...with Verlander on the mound!

C'mon Boys! 

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!! 

***** 

NBC's Bob Costas came down on the side of those who think the Washington Redskins should change their team nickname. During the Sunday night game between Washington and Dallas, he said the term "Redskin" is "an insult and a slur". 

- So apparently Bob is NBC's new "Color" commentator.  

- I didn't see him at the time, as I was out having a delicious salmon dinner that included some roasted Native American Potatoes.  

***** 

The season premiere of "The Walking Dead" drew 16.1 million viewers, a cable series record. 

- You know that show...it's the one that features footage of people standing in line trying to sign up for Obamacare.  

***** 

Justin Bieber announced that he plans to release a new single every Monday for 10 Weeks. The first song is called "All That Matters".  

- If the first one is "All That Matters" there's really no need to buy the other 9.  

- The every Monday thing gives all his fans time to save up their allowance! 

***** 

The Vatican issued a commemorative coin but misspelled Jesus' name as "Lesus".  

- It's really embarrassing on the heels of their decorative plate featuring "Larry & Joseph In The Manger". 

- I'm thinking the official Vatican Spell-Checker doesn't have a prayer of keeping his job.  

***** 

Iran's president Hassan Rouhani asked Iranians to stop chanting "Death to America!" during protests.  

- But he added that yelling "America Sucks!" is okay.  

***** 

Macy's has "shocked" a lot of people by announcing that they will open their stores for early holiday shoppers at 8pm on Thanksgiving Day.  

- The people most "shocked" are the men who are going to have to drag their butts off the couch and do the dishes while the women go out shopping.  

- To commemorate the event, they're offering a limited edition Norman Rockwell-esque print of a kindly old couple embroiled in a fight to be first in line for a 42" big screen TV.  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday. Oh...and...GO TIGERS!!!!! 

-Dick

Tigers: What A Bunch of Bull...Pen!

Happy Columbus Day...and you're Happy if you're a Spartan &/or Red Wing fan -- not so much if you pull for the Wolverines &/or Tigers! 

The Tigs and Red Sox are tied at one game each in their Best of 7 series because the Tiger bullpen couldn't hold a 5 to 1 lead in the 8th and 9th innings. Game 3: Tuesday late afternoon at Comerica with Verlander on the mound. 

***** 

Speaking of Columbus Day...The day we celebrate Christopher Columbus's arrival in the New World. 

- As you know I'm a bit of a history buff and have read that conditions on the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria were deplorable, with waste everywhere, thus making them the first three ships in the "Carnival Cruise Line".  

***** 

Because of the government shutdown, the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau has halted approval of all new beers. 

- So now we're stuck with the paltry 10,000 brands already available.  

- Even Old Milwaukee has a better head on it than the people in Government.  

- To give you an example of the trickle-down effect of the shutdown, Gyms will no longer admit members looking to get six-pack abs.  

***** 

Some human resource departments are using a new technology that assesses your personality and skills in certain areas.  

- They call it "The Edward Snowden Sneak 'n Leak Test". 

 *****

According to a study, moms are more exhausted than dads.  

- Tell me something I don't already know! 

- In other shocking news, you can save 15% or more on your car insurance by switching to Geiko.   

***** 

The Million Vet March was held in DC over the weekend.  

- If only we could have gotten the Vets to spay and/or neuter all the members of Congress!  (Oops...wrong kind of Vets!)

***** 

"Romeo and Juliet" opening in theaters over the weekend.   

- It got panned by the critics who called it "Much ado about nothing!"  

- If Taylor Swift had played Juliet, she wouldn't have poisoned herself; she would have just broken up with Romeo and written a song about it.  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #96: "The Pros (Tigers!) & The Con (Kwame!)"

Fresh on the heels of the Tigers' elimination of the Oakland A's from the Play Offs, they  now face a Best of 7 Game series against the Boston Red Sox for the American League Championship!  

Download this Podcast 

With the Tigs on their way to Beantown...and Kwame on his way to Lockdown (for 28 years!)... we offer up Podcast #96. It features an encore visit from special guest, former "Purtan's Person" Jim Ochs. 

Jim treats us to new and even more exciting argumentative conversation since he's a proud, card-carrying member of the "Screw Anger Management Society."

Among a myriad of other topics ranging from video games to old-time music, Jim presents us with a scientific list of ten things that prove he's a bad conversationalist.  

But it's all done in a "listenable" way (think hugging a porcupine) that only the Mighty Mr. Ochs can pull off. 

Oh...and some of it is even set to music!  

So treat yourself to a nice cup of coffee, pop a prozac, and settle in for Podcast #96!  

Have a great weekend and I'll see you right back here Monday with my regular blog!  

-Dick

Kwame To Find Out How Long He'll Be A Konvict...

After years of shaking down the City of Detroit, a months long trial and a lot of waiting, Kwame will find out today how many years he'll be spending in a Federal Prison. The activities got underway at 10am and are expected to go for many hours.    

- Kwame says he wants to get it over with as soon as possible so he can get back to taking kickbacks from the guards. 

- This means he may have to postpone the "comeback" we "done set him up for" for a while.  

- By the time he gets out of jail, we'll have colonized the moon, Miley Cyrus will no longer be "twerking" because of a broken hip, and someone will possibly have been able to sign up for Obamacare.  

***** 

HUGE night for the Tigers! The final, Do or Die Game 5 against the A's starts at 8:07pm (our time) out in Oakland. Let's see those Bengal Bats Blazing!!!!!

***** 

The TSA now allows passengers to board airplanes with marijuana.  

- Well that ought to make joining the "Mile High Club" that much easier! 

- So now when passengers find out their flights are delayed, they'll be like "Whatever dude. Got any Cheetos?" 

 *****

Suzanne Somers slammed Miley Cyrus for saying that "sex dies at 40". Suzanne claims she and her husband have sex twice a day and three times a day on weekends.  

 - Upon hearing the news, thousands of men urged their wives to search the attic for their old thigh master. 

- Suzanne added that they would have sex more, but their pesky landlords Mr. and Mrs. Roeper keep letting themselves into the house! 

 *****

Lindsay Lohan wants to open a rehab center to help others with addictions like she has. 

- It won't be cheap, but neither are all the drugs and booze Lindsay's gonna need to make it through this weekend. 

***** 

An Oklahoma man was arrested on burglary charges and police matched his DNA to "used" toilet paper found in the commode at the house he robbed.  

- The official charge is listed as "Breaking, Entering, and Pooping".  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here with Podcast #96, featuring "Mr. Positively Negative" Friday! 

-Dick  

"And The Hits Just Kept On Coming!"

TIGERS ROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRED BACK WITH THE BIG BATS FINALLY BOOMING  TO TIE SERIES WITH THE A's 2 GAMES A PIECE!  DECIDING GAME 5 THURSDAY NIGHT IN OAKLAND. (8:07pm our time!) 

**** 

Tom Hanks explained his slimmed down figure by revealing that he was recently diagnosed with Type II Diabetes. 

- As they say, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get!" 

***** 

Despite the government shutdown, the official congressional gym remains open.  

- It's considered essential because a lot of the congressmen need the pool to continue to tread water. 

- They kept it open so the congress people could keep up their cardio workouts...Assuming they actually have hearts to keep healthy.  

***** 

The leader of al Qaeda is blaming the U.S. for global warming.  

- So it's not the heat of the thousands of bombs they're blowing up every five minutes, it's your lawn mower.  

- You can tell it's actually being caused by al Qaeda because the biggest Carbon Footprint is in the shape of a sandal.  

***** 

An 89-year-old drug "mule" pled guilty in a Detroit Courtroom. He's allegedly been transporting cocaine for a Mexican Cartel to Chicago for years. 

- He's so old he used to date "Francis the Mule" (Not that there's anything wrong with that!) 

***** 

A new survey finds that only 46% of Americans have read a book in the last year.  

 - And of that 46% that did read a book...all 46% most likely read "Shades of Grey".  

- It's gotten so bad that even criminals won't read the book the judge throws at them.  

***** 

A school district right here in Michigan approved a no tag, no chasing policy for kindergartners.  

- However adults will still be allowed to play phone tag...for now.  

- Up next: PETA will protest for an end to "Duck, Duck, Goose!" 

***** 

Vladimir Putin was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.  

- He was nominated by Vladimir Putin.  

- And Edward Snowden.  

- And Dennis Rodman.  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! And GO TIGERS!!!

-Dick

Tigers Must Use Bats To Send Balls Into Belfry!!!

Tigers play Oakland tonight in their Best of 5 Game Series with the A's at Comerica Park. It's Do or Die with the Tig's down 2 games to 1, so it's a MUST WIN tonight! Go Tigers!!!!!

***** 

An 89-year-old drug "mule" is expected to plead guilty today in a Detroit Courtroom. He's allegedly been transporting cocaine for a Mexican Cartel to Chicago for years. 

- He's so old he used to date "Francis the Mule" (Not that there's anything wrong with that!) 

***** 

A new survey finds that only 46% of Americans have read a book in the last year.  

 - And of that 46%that did read a book...all 46% read "Shades of Grey".  

- It's gotten so bad that even criminals won't read the book the judge throws at them.  

***** 

A school district right here in Michigan approved a no tag, no chasing policy for kindergartners.  

- However adults will still be allowed to play phone tag...for now.  

- Up next: PETA will protest for an end to "Duck, Duck, Goose!" 

***** 

Vladimir Putin was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.  

- He was nominated by Vladimir Putin.  

- And Edward Snowden.  

- And Dennis Rodman.  

***** 

An Oklahoma man was arrested on burglary charges and police matched his DNA to "used" toilet paper found in the commode at the house he robbed.  

- The official charge is listed as "Breaking, Entering, and Pooping".  

***** 

Since the government shutdown, people who need a quick payment for their federal government paycheck are flooding "Sugar Daddy" dating websites.   

- So if you're a sugar daddy looking to help one of these people out, you can find their profiles at eNonEssential.com.

*****  

Justin Bieber made news again Monday when a second photo surfaced that appears to show him smoking weed.  

- And as we all know, weed is a "Gateway Drug" to really bad singing.  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

"Achy Breaky Twerk!"

On Friday, day traders sent an obscure penny stock called Tweeter Home Entertainment soaring by 1800% because they mistook it for Twitter. 

 - Miley Cyrus bought a ton of it because she thought it was "Tweeking Home Entertainment". 

- The owner of "Tweeter Home Entertainment", a Mr. A. Weiner, had no comment. 

***** 

As we mentioned last week, the dating website OKCupid allows people to pay for a filter that sorts people by body type. In other words, they can block overweight or unattractive people.  

- You can still find the "unattractive" people by clicking on the "Hit With An Ugly Stick" section. 

***** 

President Obama has joined the side of people who think the Washington Redskins should change their name so they don't offend Native Americans.  

- Why don't they bring in some Native Americans to meet with the pro and con people...and while they're at it, they can negotiate a debt ceiling deal.  

- It works because a bunch of politicians gathered around a table these days is pretty much "Sitting Bull".  

***** 

Fox has renewed "The Simpsons" for a 26th season and CBS has renewed David Letterman through 2015.  

 - So now Grandpa Simpson can attempt to break Dave's record for being the Longest Running Crotchety Old Cartoon Character on TV. 

- Actually Dave is starting to look more like Marge than Grandpa since his hair is turning blue.  

***** 

A new study shows 36% of 18 to 31 year-olds in the U.S. are living with their parents.  

- At age 32 they move on...and into their Grandparents' homes.  

***** 

Chris Brown claimed he lost his virginity at the age of eight.  

- But he insists he didn't start punching people until he turned nine.  

***** 

- On this day in 1913 Henry Ford established a moving assembly line.  

- Prior to this, the line never moved which tended to really cut down on production.  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!  

-Dick

U.S. Government Surrenders to Retired U.S. Troops...

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After Veterans of WWII embarrassed the Feds by breaking thru the barriers set up to keep them from visiting the World War II Memorial, the Government gave-in and "re-opened" the open-air Memorial.

- They may be in their 80's and 90's but these Vets still know how to bring down the bad guys. 

***** 

Interestingly, it cost more to put up the yellow tape and metal barricades then it would have cost to leave the memorial open which cost exactly nothing.  

- Apparently they were figuring the vets would keel over during the break-in, thus eliminating the need to provide them with healthcare!  

***** 

Day 3 of the Government Shutdown and some interesting tidbits have popped up, including the fact that while grocery stores on U.S. Army bases are closed, the golf course at Andrews Air Force Base is open.  

- It's good to be the President!  

***** 

The government shutdown has led to the cancellation of a KKK rally set for this weekend.  

- I think we're all thrilled to find out that our tax dollars go to hosting KKK get-togethers.  

 *****

On a lighter note...(so to speak)...the dating website OKCupid is reportedly allowing users to filter out fat and "unattractive" people for an additional fee. 

- So in addition to a "Flat Tax"...Now we've got a "Fat Tax".  

***** 

A new tourism guidebook from China is warning Chinese tourists not to pick their nose when traveling in foreign countries.  

- It may sound like a joke, but it's snot.  

- In China, tourists are allowed to pick their noses, although they do have do choose either "Nostril A" or "Nostril B".  

***** 

A wildlife study shows that primates like orangutans make an "O" face like human women do during sex.  

- Actually human women make the "O" face when they realize the guy they brought home from the bar is a real Orangutan.  

- The study also found that female orangutans didn't have red butts until they read about all the spanking in "Fifty Shades of Grey".   

***** 

In Beijing, Justin Bieber was photographed being carried up the Great Wall of China on the shoulders of his body guards.  

- Why can't the Federal Government shut Justin Bieber down?  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with an All-New Podcast! (#96!)

-Dick

No Little Government Shutdown Is Going To Stop These Guys!

Yesterday and today, WWII Vets made their way to Washington via "Honor Flight" to visit the World War II monument built to honor them. But due to the Government Shutdown, barricades had been erected to keep them out of the "closed" monument. Ironically, the open-air monument is always open to visitors 24/7 with or without government there. But the Soldiers who faced down Japanese Zeros and Hitler's tanks were not to be deterred. They broke through the barricades and, many of them in their eighties and nineties, fought for what was rightfully theirs: The freedom to visit their Monument. 

***** 

Apparently Joe Biden's personal assistant has been furloughed. The Veep was photographed yesterday holding a folder reading "Codeword" and "Classified Document" which was pointed directly at the press. Biden did not reveal the contents of the folder.  

- Nor did he read them.  

- Having Joe Biden in charge of secrets is kind of like trusting your crazy Uncle Bob with your credit card.  

***** 

An MSNBC anchor tried to demonstrate how to sign up for Obamacare live on TV. First she got an error message, then called the help line twice, waited on hold for 35 minutes and finally hung up.  

- Rachel Maddow exclaimed "See! I told you it would be easy!"

***** 

Lindsay Lohan's parents Michael and Dina have been banned from the set of her upcoming reality show.  

- There's a little known law that states only a certain number of felons is allowed on any single reality show. 

- However, you can look for the whole gosh darn Lohan family in a future episode of "Lock-Up Los Angeles".  

***** 

The creators of "The Simpsons" announced that sometime this season, a major character will die.  

- I hope it's not Marge! They're gonna have a heckuva time drawing a casket long enough to fit her hair.  

***** 

Cher says that her late ex-husband & singing partner Sonny Bono haunts and hangs around her mansion a lot. 

- So apparently in the afterlife, Sonny became a plastic surgeon.   

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back Thursday! 

-Dick

SHOCKER: DEMS & REPUBS CAN'T REACH AGREEMENT!

And so...for the first time in almost 20 years, the Federal Government is shut down. While you may not have noticed anything different this morning, a couple of things did change: All National Parks and Monuments will be closed and all "non-essential" Federal employees will be furloughed. 

- I wonder how Harry Reid and John Boehner are going to spend their time off?

- Anthony Weiner is furious about having to cancel his picture-taking trip to the Washington, Monument.  

 *****

President Obama reassured the public that during the shutdown, essential services will stay open.  

- Like the IRS and the NSA.  

- I sure hope this doesn't screw up all the "orange-barrel boulevards" around town.  

***** 

Obamacare officially kicks in today, and one Wyoming Senator says that the insurance exchange computer systems are so unready, they "are being held together with duct tape and chicken wire." 

- So they're basically like Cher was before they invented Botox.  

***** 

Medical experts came up with a list of things more painful than kidney stones.  

 - They include childbirth, root canals, and having a root canal while giving birth to a child. 

- Most painful of all: Watching Miley Cyrus perform on an Awards show.  

***** 

Al-Qaeda opened it's first official Twitter account complete with links to other terrorist groups that people might be interested in following. 

- This gives new meaning to the phrase "My phone is blowing up!"  

- Who knew they could describe how to bomb America in 140 characters or less?  

***** 

Diet Coke is offering a special limited-edition can featuring Taylor Swift's signature.  

- And just like Taylor's relationships, the offer will only last for a short time.  

- Fifty bucks says with in a month she's dumped Pepsi and taken up with Dr. Pepper.  

 *****

Have a great day and, apparently being ESSENTIAL Federal Employees (Who Knew???) we'll be back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

The Government Gone Fishin'???

Unless the Repubs and Dems come to a last minute agreement, The Federal Government is set to shut down tonight at midnight. But experts say most Americans won't notice any difference.  

- For example, they point out that Congress will continue to get nothing done.  

- I'm going to stay up and watch Nancy Pelosi's Limo turn back into a pumpkin.  

- Ryan Seacrest will host a big Countdown Party in Times Square. I guess no one told him the government has already dropped the ball.  

***** 

The Department of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives lost track of at least 420 million cigarettes.  

- Apparently the only butts they're able to keep up with are the Kardasians'.  

- To get them back they're offering a trade-in program: Turn in a pack of cigarettes and we'll give you a free gun.  

***** 

Hamilton College in New York is hosting a workshop on "The Big O" for woman. 

- A lot of women were disappointed when they found out it was about Orgasms and not Oprah Winfrey.  

- I think we just figured out who has those 420 million missing cigarettes.  

***** 

A man who cheated on his wife announced on Facebook that she'll taken him back if he gets 10.000 "Likes".  

- So far the only "Likes" he's gotten are from Bill Clinton and Charlie Sheen.  

***** 

The latest NSA leak from Edward Snowden is that the NSA uses secret data mining to track Americans' social networks to learn about their personal lives, who their friends are and where they've traveled.  

- So in other words, the NSA is on Facebook.  

- The biggest bombshell they've found so far is a woman from Idaho's recipe for Crock Pot Chicken & Dumplings.  

 *****

A guy who used to do Weather for the Wall Street Journal says he was so upset by a new study that reported humans we're 95% responsible for global warming, he started crying and tweeted that he's going to get a vasectomy to cut down his carbon footprint. 

- Fellow forecasters predict a 50% change of him getting snipped this afternoon, and 0% chance of him having any baby showers.   

***** 

Despite rumors, O.J. Simpson denies that he stole any cookies from the Prison Cafeteria. 

- O.J claims the cookies were planted in his pants by Mark Fuhrman.  

***** 

Have a great day and no matter what happens with the government...I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #95: "The Glass is Half-Empty, Dammit!"

Welcome to the weekend, a new Podcast, and a brand-spankin' new Website! We decided to change things around a bit, freshen things up, and give you what we hope you'll find to be a more "user friendly" experience. (You know...like dealing with the DMV). 

And who is more "user friendly" than today's special guest and possibly the most argumentative person this side of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, former "Purtan's Person" Jim Ochs! 

Jim worked for years on my show doing voices like Casey Kasem and White Fang, plus participating in many "spirited" conversations in the studio - most of which occurred during songs or commercials when the mics were off.  Jim has an opinion on EVERYTHING which makes for some interesting listening! 

We go from the Tigers clinching the AL Central Division to Obamacare to Britney Spears in Vegas. We also talk about Google's claim that soon we'll be able to download our whole brains onto a computer. (Mine would fit on an I-Pod Nano).  

From who should play Johnny Carson on a new NBC mini-series, to should the Washington Redskins be forced to change their team nickname, we cover it all. 

So check out the new website and listen to Jim look for the tarnished silver-lining in the clouds during Podcast #95!

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with our new-looking regular blog! 

-Dick 

Tigers Roar To Three-peat!!!!!

Congratulations to the Tigers for clinching the American League Central Championship Title for the 3rd year in a row!!! Last night they beat the Twins 1-0, with Max Scherzer getting his 21st win of the season! It was also Jim Leylands 700th win as Tiger Manager! 

*****

OJ Simpson has been busted again…this time for something he did in the Hooscow. The Juice, who reportedly weighs upwards of 300 pounds, was caught with about a dozen oatmeal cookies stuffed under his shirt. He lifted them from the Prison Cafeteria. 

- He says he needed the cookies to help him in his bid to win the Prison’s coveted “Biggest Thighs-man Trophy”.

- Amazing… he gets away with double murder, but can’t manage to put a cookie in his pants without getting caught.

*****

British researchers are recommending that psychologists extend the term “adolescence” to people up to 25 years instead of the traditional 18. They claim MRI”s show the human brain is not fully developed until someone reaches their mid-20’s.

- Great. Now your 23-year-old can say he’s moving back into your basement because his “brain is isn’t done developing”.

- The study was obviously conducted by a bunch of 25 year old slackers.

*****

A Cardinal at the Vatican said that because Jesus made brief statements that were full of meaning, He was the first Tweeter before there was Twitter.

- This explains the passage in the Bible that reads: “Just saw bunch of Roman Soldiers @JerusulemMall. Gross. Going to Starbucks. #SonofGodNeedsCoffee.

- The hardest part was carving all 140 characters into that stone tablet.

*****

Showtime is launching a new, rather graphic show called “Masters of Sex”. It’s a series that follows the lives and work of Masters & Johnson.

- To update it, they’ve added a couple gay guys who will be known as “Johnson & Johnson”.

*****

Charlie Sheen was in court this week to report for jury duty.

- He showed up in an orange jump suit and automatically went over and sat down at the defense table.  

*****

The U.S. Postal Service has been named one of the countries most trusted companies. 

- That could change, since a whole bunch of completed survey’s got lost in the mail. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast! (#95)

-Dick

"Fifty Shades of Caber-net?"

“Fifty Shades of Grey” author E.L. James has launched a line of “Fifty Shades of Grey” wine. 

- The biggest sellers so far are “S&M”…Shiraz and Merlot.

- Drink enough of it and you’ll end up naked in fur-lined handcuffs and a blindfold. 

- Wine tasters describe it as “Intense, with leather undertones and a Spanking finish”. 

*****

According to a new study, hangovers are less painful as you get older. 

- That’s because old people already take so many pain killers they can’t even get a headache. 

- The numbers may be off, since most older men think a “hangover” is what happens when his wife takes her bra off. 

*****

Dr. Oz says listening to music keeps you healthy. 

- His personal favorites include “Goodbye Yellow Yellow Brick Road” and anything by “Toto”…not unusual for a guy named “Dr. Oz”. 

- Just don’t “Twerk” while you’re listening, or you may cause people around you to have seizures. 

*****

As of this writing, Texas Senator Ted Cruz is in hour 20 of his Filibuster against Obamacare. He’s not allowed to sit down or take bathroom breaks, but he did manage to work in Dr. Seuss’s “Green Eggs and Ham” as a bedtime story for his young daughters, since he wasn’t home to tuck ‘em in bed. 

- By this morning his bladder was so full, he read “Oh The Places I’ll Go!”

*****

President Obama spoke to the UN yesterday and said that since he took office, “the world is more stable.” 

- Syria-ously?

*****

Miley Cyrus appears on the cover of the new Rolling Stone magazine naked and with her tongue hanging out. 

- So if you haven’t seen Hannah’s Montanas yet…here’s your chance! 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

From The Mouths Of Babes...

The Kenyan Mall Massacre continues as of this posting, four days after it began. The al Shabaab terrorists claim they are still holding 10 or more hostages. But there is an amazing twist being reported this morning.

A four-year-old British boy, Eliot Prior, confronted one of the terrorists. He bravely told the gunman “You’re a very bad man!” as he protected his mother Amber who had been shot in the leg, and his six year old sister Amelie. At that point the terrorist reportedly handed the two children Mars candy bars and said “Please forgive me… We are not monsters.” 

With 62 dead and upwards of 170 injured, I guess it depends on your definition of “Monster”. 

Meanwhile some of the Kenyan soldiers say they saw a woman in a white veil shouting orders to the terrorists in Arabic. Officials believe she may be a British woman in her late twenties known as “The White Widow” - who got her name after her husband blew himself up in a terrorist attack in 2007. She has been called the World’s Most Wanted Woman. 

It’s also believed that 2 or 3 Somalian American teenagers are among the terrorists. They emigrated to Minnesota with their parents where they were recruited by al Shabaab, and returned to Africa. 

*****

Have a peaceful day…

-Dick

I'll Have An Emmy With A Side Of Redskins!

Two big local winners over the weekend… The Lions broke a 21 game losing steak and beat the Redskins for the first time since 1935!!! And the “Pride of Chelsea Michigan”, actor Jeff Daniels won an Emmy for his role on “The Newsroom”!

*****

Speaking of the Emmy’s, they were handed out last night in a star-studded gala in LA.

- Most of the actors were just pretending to look shocked since Edward Snowden had leaked the results to them weeks ago. 

*****

Google experts say we’ll soon be able to download our entire minds to computers. 

- They estimate it would take Stephen Hawkings about a week, and Paris Hilton less than 60 seconds. 

- If you accidentally delete your mind, you have to change your name to Snooki.

*****

A British survey found that the average man gives up trying to keep in shape or look good at age 46, while women keep exercising and trying to look good until at least 59.

- That’s because by the time she’s 59, she’ll be looking for a new husband since the first one will have dropped dead.  

Most married men said they gave up caring about how they looked just 26 months after their wedding. 

- Luckily for the Kardashian girls, none of them stay married long enough to see their husband “let himself go”. 

- The one exception was Michael Moore who gave up caring about his appearance in third grade. 

*****

In Venezuela, the govenment took over a toilet paper factory to make it more efficient since the country has all but run out of TP. 

- The government told the owners to “quit stalling and get down to business!”

- Who better to print more of something that’s just going to get fllushed down the toilet?

- The Venezualan President said producing TP was his #1 (and #2) priority.

*****

The Scooter Store has filed for bankruptcy after a year of federal scrutiny over alleged Medicare and Medicaid fraud.  

- So the feds were able to nail the Scooter Store in one year, but we still haven’t made an arrest in Benghazi. 

- What’s next? Those nifty walk-in bathtubs???

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tueday!

-Dick

Fifty Nifty Things You Don't Know About Your Own Body!

Welcome to the weekend and a very special Podcast featuring 50 amazing facts about the human body that I came across and wanted to share with you. Many of the facts are given in quiz form - that you can play along with. Some are answered by Jackie and my wife Gail…but I’ll give you ALL the answers, even the ones they couldn’t get! 

Included are:

- The only cell in the body that’s visible by the human eye.

- The suprisingly strongest muscle in the body.

- Why one lung is smaller than the other.

- What in a newborn baby is 1/4 quarter of it’s total length, but by age 25 will only make up 1/8 of the whole body. 

- What three things pregnant women dream about most during the first trimester. 

- What, by age 60, will most people have lost 1/2 of (not counting car keys!)

- Like fingerprints, everyone has a unique ________ that can be used for ID!

- The colder the room you sleep in, the higher the chances you’ll have a ________. (Extra blankets is not the correct answer!)

For the answers to these 8 questions…plus 42 more amazing facts about the human body, just click on Podcast #94!

Sharpen your pencils and have fun!

-Dick  

Purtan Podcast #94

"Ma Ma! Da Da! Vod Ka!"

A new study found that toddlers who talk early tend to develop a drinking problem. 

- Warning signs include your little ones asking for “scotch with a spash of apple juice” in their sippy cups. 

- This explains why Lindsay Lohan gave a three-hour commencement address at her Pre-School Graduation!

*****

Two decades after Gennifer Flowers went public with her 12-year affair with Bill Clinton, she’s got a new job as a sex-advice columnist and says she learned “everything she knows” from the former Commander-in-Briefs. She also claims that Bill told her Hillary is bisexual and that he’s “totally fine with that”.  

- Bill said, “I said Bi-PARTISAN not Bi-SEXUAL!”

- He added “Listen to me…I did not give sex advice to that woman…Miss Flowers!” 

*****

Cher slammed Miley Cyrus’s MTV Awards performance, saying that Miley can’t dance, the song wasn’t great, her body looked like hell, and one butt cheek was hanging out.  

- When Cher starts criticizing you for being “too out there” it might be time to re-evaluate. 

- Cher’s body has never “looked like hell” because plastic really holds it’s shape. 

*****

A new study suggests that the average sexual encounter lasts about 6 minutes and burns 21 calories. 

- I’m assuming the study involves an encounter between a man and a woman…but these day you never know. 

- Or you can skip the sex and burn the 21 calories by standing up from the couch. 

*****

Starbucks is making headlines for saying customers carrying guns are not welcome in their stores. 

- On the flip side, gun carriers are not only welcome at Waffle House, they get the “Gun Totin’ Discount!”

- The only shots Starbucks allows are espresso. 

- They may have a point…all that caffeine can make your trigger finger a tad jumpy. 

*****

A pro-marijuana group may be allowed to run a TV ad during this year’s Super Bowl. 

- Too bad the game isn’t being played at Denver’s “Mile High Stadium”. 

- It makes sense, with 37 NFL players in, or headed for some time, in “the joint”.

*****

As part of her healthy food for kids campaign, Michelle Obama is targeting junk food ads with cartoon characters. 

- So don’t be surprised if you’re kids start saying, “Silly Rabbit! Brocolli is for kids!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with a very different, and what I think is an extremely interesting Podcast! (#94) Don’t miss it! 

-Dick

"Girls Gone REALLY Wild??"

Over the weekend, Elton John said Miley Cyrus is a “meltdown waiting to happen” and that Lady Gaga is “in a bad place.”

- He added however, “I’m Still Standing”.    

*****

The NFL has doubled the price of the most expensive tickets to the Super Bowl to $2600 each. 

- Another great reason to be a Lions fan! 

- Who wouldn’t wanna spend $2600 to stand outside in the Meadowlands Stadium in New Jersey in February???

*****

NASA’s Voyager I left the solar system last week making it the first human-made object to leave the solar system. 

- If you don’t count Tom Cruise and John Travolta. 

*****

It’s the 5th Anniversary of the 2008 financial crisis that plunged our country into an economic nightmare. 

- Most men had totally forgotten about the anniversary until their wives got mad and reminded them. 

- Etiquette says the proper gift for a 5th Anniversary Financial Crisis is cash. 

*****

Some mainstream companies are starting to consider advertising on porn websites. 

- Nothing kills the mood like finding out that just 15 minutes can save you hundreds of dollars on car insurance in the middle of “How The Chest Was Won”. 

*****

A study out of England found that a large number of employers view tattoos negatively. 

- Especially if it says “Work Sucks”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick