Dissing Ketchup Doesn't Cut The Mustard At Comerica Park!

Charlie Marcuse, The “Singing Hot Dog Man” from Comerica Park has been let-go for allegedly discouraging people from putting ketchup instead of mustard on the dogs he sells as a vendor. (I had him on my show many times!) Charlie is a “Mustard Man” but after 15 years the Sports Service Union has finally put it’s foot down on his public displays of condiment preferences.  

- So now he’ll be singing for his supper instead of yours! 

- Apparently after receiving three complaints, the managment said, “You’re Out!”.

- Charlie is seeking Asylum in France…chanting “French’s Mustard!” as he was led out of Comerica Park. 

*****

Four NFL “Centers” have signed on to promote an alternative to toilet paper. The new pre-moistend bathroom wipes are called “One Wipe Charlies” and will be targeted directly at men.  

- The Quarterbacks are behind the Centers 100%.

*****

The Vatican has opened the door to the possibility of letting priests get married.  

- There will be limits: The happy couple will only be allowed to register at “Lord & Taylor”. 

- Just like any other husband, a preist will have to make sure he doesn’t come home with lipstick on his collar. 

*****

The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency banned an 80-year-old weightlifter for 2 years. 

- Apparently they consider Metamucil a Performing Enhancing Drug.

- The guy is 80 years old so a 2-year suspension basically means he’s been banned for life.

*****

A new report says the White House is infested with vermin. This time cockroaches are the problem, but in the past they’ve also dealt with mice and rats.

- Of course that’s just when they invited members of Congress to a State Dinner.

*****

Elton John said that despite being the godmother to his two young sons, Lady Gaga is in “a very dangerous place” and won’t return his phone calls.

- Turns out she accidentally turned off her phone when she went to the butcher shop to try on some dresses.

*****

Billboard’s Women in Music Awards has named Pink “Women of the Year”. 

- They awarded the “Pole Dancer of the Year” to Miley Cyrus.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

"The Doctor Will Ask You Now..."

Soon you can not only expect your doctor to check your blood pressure, but ask about your sex life.  A provision in Obamacare gives financial incentives to doctors to ask invasive questions including, “Are you sexually active? With how many partners? And are any of them same-sex partners?”, and then provide the info to the Feds. 

 - Doctors should take your BP before the sex questions if they want an accurate reading. 

 - It’s gonna be weird when your podiatrist asks who you’re sleeping while examining your bunions. 

 *****

There is one question not allowed to be asked by your physician under Obamacare: “Do you own a firearm”. 

 - So Doctors can give you shots, but they can’t ask if you’ve fired any of your own. 

 *****

Microbiologists at GOJO Industries say that the hand soap in 25% of the public restrooms they tested was as infected with bacteria as the toilet water. 

 - Men have known this for years which is why 25% of them never wash their hands after going to the bathroom! 

*****

Apparently a lot of people are talking about how humble Pope Francis is for driving a 1984 Renault car. 

- A 1984 Renault that’s still running? It’s a Miracle!  

*****

Justin Bieber posted a photo of himself holding a copy of the “Man of Steel: Batman vs. Superman” script, sparking internet outrage that he may play “Robin”. 

 - I think when most people think “Dynamic Duo” they think Ben Affleck and Justin Bieber. 

 - In a related story, Miley Cyrus will be the next Bond girl in the upcoming, “On Her Majesty’s Secret Twerking”. 

*****

Peyton Manning is upset that Denver pot dispensaries are selling a strain of marijana named after him. They claim it’s good for nausea. 

- On the flip side, the “Arron Hernandez” strain will most likely kill you. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! And don’t forget to check my latest Podcast (#93) up now on the Homepage! 

-Dick  

Purtan Podcast #93: "Syria And Dick-plomacy"

Welcome to the weekend and to our Jewish friends a special welcome as they observe the start of Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, tonight at sunset.

In today’s brand new Podcast (#93) my wife Gail, my daughter Jackie and I sit around the dining room table and take on three big current events:

#1: Vladimir Putin’s op-ed piece in the NY Times dissing the U.S. and the President’s foreign policy regarding Syria. I offer up a few of my own ideas on how to settle the situation. (I’m no Henry Kissenger, but you really should consider my plans which involve the use of Obamacare, a shark cage, the U.S. and Russian foreign ministers, and Ben Affleck). 

#2: Anthony Weiner aka “Carlos Danger” and his loss in the NYC Mayoral Election. 

And #3: E-Cigarettes (something many women end up smoking after getting tweets from Anthony!)

That and lots more in my new Podcast!

Have a great weekend, stay warm, and I’ll see you back here Monday with my regular blog…

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #93  (28:45)

You Can Lead A Russian Gift Horse To Water...But You Can't Make Him Wear A Shirt.

Russian President Vladimir Putin penned a piece published on the op-ed page of today’s New York Times in which he castigates and lectures the United States on the Syrian situation. 

- Part II of the article will be in next months Cosmo and will feature a picture of him on a horse with no shirt and a list of what turns him on.  

*****

The Russian commander of the International Space Station said he’s resigning for a better job. 

- He feels his career was just going around in circles….and is looking for something with a shorter commute. 

*****

The controversial “Million Muslim March” on 9/11 in Washington was drowned out when twice as many bikers showed up and surrounded it with a “Two Million Biker March”. 

- Which was then surrounded by the “Three Million Secret Service Agent March”. 

- Next year they’re going to combine it into one big “Million Harley’s & Hajabs March”. 

*****

Following his huge loss in the NYC Mayoral Primary, a defeated Anthony Weiner was photographed giving a reporter the finger. 

- Insiders say Weiner was not just defeated, but deflated as well. 

*****

Elton John revealed that Lady Gaga visits his house occassionally and bathes his sons. 

- He got the idea when his youngest started saying “Goo-Goo GaGa”. 

- Next up: Miley Cyrus will be stopping by to take them to dance class. 

*****

Oprah Winfrey revealed that she used to be afraid of balloons. 

- You can find out more about it when she sits down for an in-depth interview with herself on her OWN Magazine and TV channel next month. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an all-new Podcast! (#93)

-Dick

Remembering the Unimaginable...

Today marks the 12 year anniversary of the horrific terrorist attacks that forever changed our country and our people. What we witnessed that bright, sunny morning in NYC, Washington DC, and in a field in Shanksville, Pennsylvania seems unbelievabe, even now.

Though our emotional wounds have scarred over a bit, as tends to happen as the years go by, we will never forget. Not those who lost their lives. Not those left behind to grieve. 

While the attacks themselves came as a nightmarish surprise, our response as Americans did not. We did as we have always done: We took care of our own. And on this 12th Anniversary, I’m sure we are all, as always, Proud To Be Americans. 

-Dick

In honor of all the fallen and all who have carried on, here is Lee Greenwood’s classic song.  

Bombs (Going) Away!?!?!

With Syria’s last minute announcement that they’ll accept the Russian plan to hand over their Chemical Weapons, no one is quite sure what President Obama will say in his prime time speech to the nation tonight. 

- Maybe instead of trying to convince the American people to support military action he’ll just encourage us all to “Like” Syria on Facebook. 

*****

According to the World Happiness Report, the happiest nations on Earth are Denmark, Norway, Switzerland, the Netherlands and Sweden. 

- So to be happy, it’s obvious! Just grab a box of Clairol and become a blond! 

*****

A previously unknown painting by Vincent Van Gogh has been found in the attic of an art collector. It’s the first new Van Gogh to be discovered since 1888. 

- Critics want to hear more information saying they’re “all ear!”

*****

More Americans are becoming concerned about their online privacy. 

- To counter the concerns, the NSA is now sending out “Friend Requests” on Facebook. 

- The only person not concerned: Anthony Weiner. 

*****

Today is primary day in NYC… Weiner is convinced he’s going to be the next Mayor despite being dead last in the polls. 

- He points out that his wife Huma said he’s always been a strong finisher. 

*****

The Game Show Network is now casting Season 3 of “The Great American Bible Challenge”. 

- The winner gets a case of Miracle Whip; The loser gets a weekend in Sin City.

- The show has low ratings, but the Network has confessed it’s too afraid to cancel it. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Eminem: What's All The Mus(Burger) About???

Lions win first game of season over Vikings 34-24 Sunday. Saturday night during Michigan/Notre Dame game, Eminem interviewed in the booth by Brent Musburger and looking somewhat spaced out and bizarre. Some people think it was real but of course it was all an act to help promote his new album “Berzerk”. Duh! (btw…Brent looks like he’s been eating a few too many Burgers!)

*****

Charlie Rose’s interview with Syrian President Assad airs tonight on PBS. Rose gave a sneak peak saying Assad denied using chemical weapons on his own people. 

- Well I sure didn’t see that one coming. 

- Assad was going to appear on “The View” but he was afraid the girls’ questions would be too tough. 

*****

Iowa is now granting gun permits to blind people. 

- I didn’t see that one coming either. 

- Whoever came up with this plan must have been as loaded as the guns. 

*****

Brazil wants to know why the NSA has been spying in their country. 

- Two words: Brazillian women. 

*****

Meanwhile John Kerry continues to make a case for action against Syria, saying it “will not involve boots on the ground”. 

- So basically the entire US military spent the weekend at Payless, looking for sandals. 

*****

A prison in California has announced that they will allow same sex marriages between inmates and “non-incarcerated” partners. Inmate to Inmate marriage is not allowed. 

- They’re afraid having married couples in prison together could lead to some nasty fights in the yard. 

- So technically gay inmates can marry male hookers from “the outside”…giving a whole new meaning to the “Pros and the Cons”. 

*****

Have a great day and don’t forget to check out my latest Podcast (#92) up now on the Homepage! See you right back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #92: "Lou-berace Gives Us An Encore!"

Welcome to the weekend and my latest Podcast (#92)! Today Jackie and I welcome fellow former radio guy Lou Roberts back to the mic. As we found out last week, Lou not only has a great voice - he’s got great fingers, too! He’s sort of like a balding, round, 5’6” version of Liberace without the “glamorous” outfits and the Gay part…(Not that there’s anything wrong with that!) and proves it on the Purtan Family piano conveniently located in the Purtan Family living room, just around the corner from the Purtan Family dining room, (aka Podcast central).

Lou’s musical opening naturally leads us to the current dance craze “Twerking”. (And people thought the Macarena was annoying…)

I’ll tell you why I prefer having a “Dumbphone” to a “Smartphone”…and Lou & Jackie offer up their dislike of “Texting Abbreviations”. (OMG! i mean, WTH…r u w/ me? LOL)

Plus we’ll tell you what NOT learning to write in cursive can do to kids brains; how a computer hack-job ended with my daughter JoAnne receiving an email invite to try a male-enhancement product…from her sister Jackie, and the one thing Lou won’t do in the bathroom. (Let’s just say he’s not into butt dialing.)

I’ll also tell you about the latest feature to hit Facebook that could have you and Vladimir Putin sharing family photos, and we’ll tell you about a new study that reveals what sports fans are most likely to do when their favorite team loses. 

We end on a high note…literally…as Lou heads back to the piano and “plays us out”. 

So grab you’re candelabra and click on over to Podcast #92!

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday with my regular blog…

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #92  (33:49) 

"Rocket Man's Temper Fizzles!"

Elton John said he used to be a selfish, tantrum-throwing monster, but being the parent of two young kids has made him a better person. 

- So he’s officially out of the terrible sixty-twos!

- He couldn’t quite bring himself to apologize saying “Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word”. 

- He’s gotten so nice he’s even gonna let his six year old wear his giant duck costume for Halloween!

*****

The White House continues to make it’s case to Congress that a surgical strike on Syria is necessary. 

- If it happens, the Syrian people will take a double hit: They’ll be bombed… and under Obamacare, they’ll have to pay for the “surgical” part. 

*****

Bill Clinton claimed to be a vegan and was even named PETA’s Person of the Year, but now he’s told AARP magazine that he eats salmon and omelettes once a week. 

- He also admitted oogling Lady Gaga while she was wearing that meat dress. 

*****

Anthony Weiner was caught on video getting into a shouting match with a voter who called him “disgusting” and “a deviant”. 

- News got out when Anthony proudly tweeted the story to all of his female constituents. 

*****

According to the latest polls, Weiner’s support is down to 7 percent. 

- But he insists that on Election Day, “When The Moment Is Right, He’ll Be Ready!” 

*****

For the second year in a row, Forbes listed buxom Modern Family actress Sophia Vergara as far and away the the highest paid actress on TV, with earnings of over $30 million. 

- Proving that it is possible to make a really good living working on the “Boob Tube”. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast (#92)! 

-Dick 

McCain Plays Poker During "Full House" Congressional Mtg...

Arizona Senator John McCain was caught by a photographer playing poker on his iPhone during yesterday’s Congressional hearing on Syria. McCain admitted he’d been gaming during the event, tweeting that the worst part was “I lost!”

- The media immediately blamed his poker loss on Sarah Palin. 

*****

After 3 1/2 hours of testimony urging Congress to approve military action in Syria, the Congressional panel says they’re “close” to making a decision. 

- They’re even closer to making a decision to vote themselves a pay raise!

***** 

A woman in China turned herself in after boiling her dead husband in a pressure cooker. 

- Like so many marriages, it started out Sweet and ended up Sour. 

*****

Speaking of China, a man there has invented a new device to help men who have bad aim when it comes to using public urinals. The device is called the “Pee Straight”. 

- You can also use it to write your name more legibly in the snow. 

- North Korea’s Kim Jong Un has asked the guy if he can create a similar device to help his firing squads hit their targets better.  

*****

If you’ve noticed Jack Nicholson hasn’t been in any movies lately, it’s because he decided to quietly retire from acting back in 2010. Insiders say memory problems make it too hard for him to remember his lines. 

- Hey, at his age, you figure “Something’s Got To Give”. 

- Doctors say he started having memory problems on purpose after doing that naked hot tub scene with Kathy Bates. 

*****

A former employee of Facebook claims there is no privacy at the company. 

- He says management put up a post when he was terminated that said “We just fired Bob! Can we get 100,000 Likes in an hour?”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Back To School Daze!!!

It’s the day after Labor Day, and there are a whole lot of boys and girls with notebooks and pencils running up and down hallways with confused looks on their faces today, trying to figure out whats going on.

- And that’s just in Congress!

(btw…Good Luck to all the little and not-so-little-nippers heading back to school today!)

*****

The world may be holding it’s collective breath about what President Obama will do about the situation in Syria, but there’s something even more important going on overseas…

Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea visiting his good friend Kim Jong Un. Rodman says he’s not there to be a diplomat, he just on vacaton and wants to “have fun and hang out” with Un. 

- If he’s not careful Un will have him “hanging out” on the gallows! 

*****

George H.W. Bush apologized for sending condolences on the death of still-alive Nelson Mandela on Sunday.

- Mandella accepted the apology but added, “I was surprised at the remark. I thought George H.W. Bush died a few years ago.”

*****

It’s reported that women are selling positive pregnancy tests on Craig’s List for other women to use to blackmail their boyfriends into marrying them.

- Women are sending negative pregnancy tests to Anthony Weiner to try to get him to stop tweeting!

- Ironically, most of the men being blackmailed hooked up with the women on Craig’s List in the first place.

*****

Even though high activity was predicted, there were no Atlantic hurricanes in August. 

- So far the highest winds along the East Coast have consisted of all the hot air coming out of Washington about what to do with Syria.  

*****

At the age of 64, long-distance swimmer Diana Nyad has become the first person to swim the 110 miles from Cuba to Florida without a shark cage. 

- She was alone in the water except for some Cubans crammed into a ‘57 Chevy on an inflatable raft. 

*****

Have a great day and don’t forget to check out my latest Podcast (#91) up now on the Homepage! See you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #91: "It Had To Be Lou!"

Welcome to the Unofficial Last Week of Summer! No matter what you’re doing for the holiday - be it shopping for back-to-school supplies or BBQing burgers and brats, take some time to tune into my latest Podcast (#91)!

Today regular Podcasting partner daughter Jackie and I welcome my old radio buddy Lou Roberts to the dining room table. If you grew up listening to Detroit radio, than you know Lou - if not by name, then by voice! We worked together at 95.5 before he left radio to become a full time free-lance commercial voice-over guy. You may not know it, but he may have convinced you to buy a car and a lot of other things over the years! 

Lou shares some memorable moments including the time he locked himself out of the station during his show, leading to a half hour of dead air before he was finally able to jimmie the door open. And another time when his career was nearly de-railed by an ill-timed extremely long train, which he had to navigate around…on foot. 

At the end of Podcast we find out that Lou has a hidden talent (other than breaking into locked buildings) that none of us knew about: He’s one heckuva Piano Player! And he proves it as he “plays us out” on the Purtan Family piano! 

So wave goodbye to August and say hello to Podcast #91! 

Have a great Holdiay Weekend and I’ll “See You In September”. 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #91

It Doesn't Pay To Be "A Very Excellent Horse-Like Lady!"

Kim Jong Un executed his former girlfriend, and 12 other performers for allegedly releasing provocative videos of themselves, but experts say Un’s wife was jealous of his former flame’s popularity. His ex was best known for her 2005 hit song “Very Excellent Horse-Like Lady”. 

- Suddenly having an ex boyfriend say something mean about you on Facebook doesn’t sound so bad. 

- Un refers to his wife as “the old ball, chain, and firing squad commmander”. 

*****

Business is down at brothels in Nevada forcing the “ladies” to offer discounts on their services. Madams blame the decline of “customers” to the high price of diesel fuel, leaving truck drivers with less money to spend.

- Nowadays of course  they can just go online an watch Miley Cyrus “twerk” for free. 

- Another problem is the guys are using “Groupons” so they can get two-lap dances for the price of one…of course in this business the “Groupons” are known as “Grope-ons”.

*****

Funeral directors in Detroit received an e-mail from the city back in July saying they could no longer provide them with Death Certificates because they ran out of paper and couldn’t afford to buy any. The shortage only lasted five days. 

- So the good news is, if you died in Detroit during the second week of July, technically, you’re still alive!!!

*****

The White House has asked Bill Clinton to give a major speech explaining how Obamacare works.  

- He’ll deliver it as soon as they can find someone who actually knows how it works and can explain it to Bill. 

- Bill did say he that supports Obamacare because it involves “medical interns”. 

*****

A new study finds that people who work more than 50 hours a week are making themselves physically and mentally ill. 

- This explains why everybody in the US Congress is fit as a fiddle! 

*****

Every single one of the nearly 25,000 candidates to the University of Liberia failed the schools admission exam. 

- So now the only people attending the school will be the football players. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an fellow radio buddy of mine on a brand new Podcast!

-Dick 

"Syria-ously???"

The Obama Administration is facing criticism after revealing exactly when the US will launch it’s retaliatory military attack on Syria for using Chemical weapons on it’s own people, and even naming the types of missiles that will be used in the attack. 

- Syria’s leaders called to thank the Prez saying the info will allow them to firm up their vacation plans. 

- Looks like the White House beat Edward Snowden to the punch! 

- TIP OF THE DAY: Next time you’re going out of town, leave a big sign on your front lawn that you’re not home so criminals will know when to break in. 

*****

Convicted “leaker” Bradley Manning’s request for hormone therapy and gender-reassignment surgery so he can live his life behind bars as a woman named “Chelsea”, has been denied by the US Army. 

- The only ones more depressed than Manning are all the guys in the prison he’s going to be living with. 

*****

The Oxford Dictionary announced this year’s list of “new words” to be added to their dictionary. They include “Digital Detox” (spending time away from social media), “Selfie” (the racy pictures people take of themselves and then tweet) and “Twerk” (to dance in a sexually provocative manner involving thrusting hip movements and a low, squatting stance). 

- Our fervent hope is that Anthony Weiner sticks to taking Selfies and leaves the Twerking to professionals…like Miley Cyrus. 

*****

Russian Police raided an art gallery and seized a painting of President Vladimir Putin in women’s lingerie, claiming it had broken some unspecified law. 

- So in Russia it’s okay for the Prez to go topless, he just can’t wear a bra. 

- The artist said he was inspired by something he saw at the J. Edgar Hoover Gallery. 

*****

Alec Baldwin got into another scuffle with a photographer when he tried to snap a pic of Alec and his week-old baby, grabbing the paparazzo and pinning his arms behind him. 

- He was just in a bad mood because his infant daughter doesn’t have a cell-phone yet, so he couldn’t leave a voicemail calling her a pig. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Weiner-Mobile Escapes Being Rear-Ended...

Anthony Weiner was involved in a minor car crash in NYC. 

- Apparently he was looking at his GPS at the time…his Global Penis Satellite. 

*****

It’s now being reported that some NSA employees spied on their love interests. 

- That’s why Anthony Weiner took so many pictures of his penis.

*****

Miley “Hannah Montana” Cyrus is still taking heat for her over-the-top sexually charged performance at Sunday Night’s MTV Video Awards.  Even while the performance was going on she broke the record for the most tweets about a celebrity per minute at 306,000.

- Anthony Weiner still holds the record of most tweets sent by a pervert per minute at 206,000.  

- Walt Disney was spinning so fast in his grave people thought it was a new ride. 

*****

Secretary of State John Kerry declared that it’s “undeniable” that Syria has chemical weapons. 

- His first clue came when he saw the cannisters marked “Chemical Weapons” lying around the scene of the attack. 

*****

Canadians are the most active Facebook users in the world. 

- It’s a nice break from watching hockey. 

- It’s a nice break from drinking beer. 

*****

A man in Colorado wants marijuana to be classified as a vegetable. 

- Well that’s one way to get your teenagers to eat healthy! 

- Ironically, the guy pushing the idea has smoked so much marijuana he actually is a vegetable. 

*****

Taylor Swift’s childhood home in Reading, PA is for sale. 

- It comes with the teeter-totter she sat on when she broke up with her pre-school boyfriend.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Is This Somebody's Idea Of A Joker???

Hundreds of thousands of people have been tweeting, voicing their objection to the annoucement of Ben Affleck being cast as the new “Batman”.  

- In response Ben tweeted “ARGO ______ Yourself!”

*****

Doctors say that some people are texting so much that they’re seeing a rising number of “Sleep Texting”…people who are sending texts in their sleep. 

- So if you get a baffling text at 4am about what a great “Batman” Ben Affleck is gonna make, you can chalk it up to that. 

*****

Scientists are working on a new space telescope that will produce images 10 times sharper than the Hubble Telescope. 

- Now the NSA will be able to read your emails right off your computer screen instead of having to secretly upload them.

*****

A study in the UK by the  Allergen Research Group found that the average single woman changes her sheets every 2.3 weeks, and the average single man changes them four times a year.

- Conclusion: Ladies, if you decide to sleep it with your boyfriend, do it at your house. 

*****

Another UK survey by a skincare company determined that women are most at peace with their naked bodies when they’re 34.

- That’s also the age when a lot of men begin to accept the fact that they too should be wearing a bra.

*****

San Diego Mayor Bob Filner will resign as part of a deal to settle more than a dozen sexual harrassment lawsuits filed against him.

- He’s taken a new job in the medical field, as a hands-on physical therapist at a Women’s Prison.

*****

The makers of Oreos are being accused of using less than double the amount of cream filling in their Double Stuff Oreos.

- Will Michael Moore never stop working to improve the lives of Americans? 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Turn Up The Volume To Hear "Volume 3"!!!

Because my IT guy is on vacation, I’m unable to put up my usual weekly Podcast. (Translation: I don’t know how to do it). But this gives me the chance to put up some of my favorite stuff from my radio show. 

This week we feature the remarkable talents of Gene Taylor (The Bagman) with a Ladie’s of Harley Poem, and Mark “Doc” Andrews with a couple of his Gordon Kinkaid Pop Quizes. In addition, I selected one of my favorite Joe Noune (Coleman Young) bits. And finally a short one with yours truly talking about Sinead O’Conner and the Pope. 

In listening to these cuts I’m reminded of all the good times we had and how much I miss Gene and Doc, who both left this earth much too soon. 

I hope you enjoy listening to these selections from “The Best of Purtan - Vol. 3” - 1992.

-Dick

Gene Taylor - The Ladies Of Harley (2:08)

Doc Andrews - Gordon Kinkaid Quicky Quiz (1:03)

Doc Andrews - Gordon Kinkaid Educational Pop Quiz (1:16)

Dick - Sinead O’Conner & The Pope (:45)

Joe Noune - Dick, Mayor Young & The Hermaphrodite (2:15)

Gene Taylor - Ladies of Harley Poem

"Hear No Evil, See No Evil, LEAK No Evil!"

Bradley Manning, the soldier who revealed government secrets to Wikileaks, was sentenced to a surprisingly light 35 years in prison. 

- He could have saved himself a lot of trouble if he’d just gone into professional football like his brothers Peyton and Eli. 

- The light sentence came as a surprise to everyone but Bradley. He’d given a copy of the judge’s decision to Wikileaks weeks ago. 

*****

Manning, who made “gender confussion” a big part of his defense says he will begin hormone therapy and begin living life as a woman named Chelsea. 

- Looks like somebody’s Prison dance card is filled for the next 35 years!

- “Chelsea” says like all women, she wants a magical wedding to the man of her dreams…Eric Snowden. 

*****

San Diego Mayor Bob Filner, who has been accused of groping 18 different women, has now reached a tentative deal. 

- He goes to jail…but gets to share a cell with Bradley Manning. 

*****

Richard Branson has raised the price of a trip into space on his Virgin Galactic airline from $200,000 to $250,000. 

- For the extra $50 grand, you get a round trip. 

*****

Researchers have developed a smart phone app that decodes a baby’s cry to let the parents know if the child is hungry, tired or “uncomfortable”. 

- I thought we already had an App for that…it’s called MOM. 

*****

Ex-Pope Benedict says he quit because God told him to resign during a “mystical experience”. 

- That, or somebody was dipping into the Papal wine rack more than Sunday mornings.  

*****

The Obamas just got a second dog. 

- The Prez immediately hired an official “Pooper Scooper” for the dog, thus created another “shovel ready job”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow. And Heads Up! In lieu of a Podcast, Friday I’ll be posting a handful of “Best Of” cuts off the “Best of Purtan” Vol. 3. Get ready for Gene Taylor with a “Ladies of Harley” poem, Joe Noune as Mayor Young talking about hermaphrodites, and Doc Andrews as Gordon Kinkaid with two pop quizes! Plus more! Don’t miss it!!!

-Dick

Putting the "Dumb" In The "D"!

Due to a counting error, it turns out Benny Napoleon actually beat write-in candidate Mike Duggan in the Detroit Mayoral primary. 

- If they can’t count ballots, no wonder the City of Detroit can’t count dollars! 

*****

President Obama’s healthcare plan is going to have a surcharge for smokers to discourage smoking.

- Meanwhile, the country wants to charge the Government a surcharge for whatever it was they were smoking when they came up with “Obamacare”. 

- There will also be an added charge for people who refuse to eat an apple a day in order to keep the doctor away. 

*****

New research found that people who have sex at least 4 times a week make significantly more money than those who don’t. 

- Well sure…they’re called “Hookers”!

- Men who take Viagra reported a definite rise…in their income. 

- Wow. Who woulda thunk a nerd like Bill Gates would be getting lucky so often?

*****

There are now 16 women alleging sexual harrassment against San Diego Mayor Bob Filner.

- Hizzonner must have more money than we thought.

*****

A group of illegal immigrants from Mexico is protesting at a Chicago hospital, demanding free organ transplants.

- You gotta be kidney-me!

- News of the protest spread by word of mouth…They all called each other on their free Obamaphones.

*****

Lindsay Lohan said she hopes to move on from her troubled past and get back to work. 

- Let’s be honest, at this point does anyone actually remember what work Lindsay used to do that she wants to get back to?

*****

Randy Jackson of the Jacksons blasted angry tweets at his family members for putting Michael’s daughter Paris in a psych ward, saying that she sems perfectly normal to him. 

- Then again in that family, collecting dead people’s bones, having interchangable noses, and building a roller coaster in your backyard are all considered “normal”. 

*****

Dick Van Dyke escaped death when his car exploded on an L.A. freeway and he was pulled to safety. 

- Dick was tripping all over himself thanking the guy for saving him.

- Mary Tyler Moore immediately sent him a tweet reading “Oh Rob!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

"Fifty Shades of Turning Grey..."

There’s a growing trend for “death cafes,” places where people gather drink coffee, eat cookies and talk about dying. 

- In the old days, we called that “My grandmother’s kitchen table”. 

- It’s kind of like a regular book club, but they read the last chapter first, just in case. 

*****

Amazon’s website went down for about half an hour on Monday, but it wasn’t immediately clear if it was due to a cyberattack by hackers or terrorists. 

- The State Department said it was caused by a few guys upset about an anti-Amazon video they saw on YouTube. 

- There’s another possibility…the site crashed as soon as the “Hackers for Dummies” book was put on sale for half off. 

*****

Anthony Weiner in fourth place in the latest NYC Mayoral Race Poll of likely voters. 

- If you want to know just how down he is about it, I’m sure he’d be happy to send you a Tweet. 

- Weiner insists that despite his troubles, he’s just a normal guy who takes his pants off one leg at a time, just like everybody else. 

*****

Chris Christie is making it easer for New Jersey kids with doctor’s notes to get medical marijuana for certain illnesses. 

- Apparently he doesn’t realize that the move is seriously going to cut into the amount of Doritos available to him. 

*****

Al Qaeda tried to improved its image by hosting a family fair in Syria…complete with ice cream and promotions for jihad. 

- They even had carnival games like “Skee Ball” and “Whack-an-American”.

- One woman learned the hard way that wearing her “I’m With Stupid” Burka didn’t go over to well. 

- Everyone loved the fireworks show at the end of the evening…until they realized “Jihad The Clown” had accidentally blown himself up. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick