I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving! And now we look forward to Saturday’s Big Game in Columbus… Michigan v. Ohio State. As we’ve done since the Woody Hayes Days, I present for your listening pleasure, “Liquidate Ohio State”! What you will hear is the original version of the song with the voices of Tom Ryan, Tom DeLisle and myself, recorded at WXYZ AM radio - 1270. Over the years we overdubbed the name of each new coach as he came in. This one was done sometime between 2001 and 2010 during Jim Tressel’s head coaching career with the Buckeyes. Enjoy… and Go Blue!

- Dick

From the Purtan Family to you and yours… Happy Thanksgiving!

Have a Safe, Healthy and Happy Holiday and I’ll see you back here tomorrow.

-Dick

In White House tradition, President Trump pardoned two turkeys - named “Peas” and “Carrots” - in the Rose Garden yesterday.

- A lotta people think the first time a President pardoned a Turkey was back in ‘74 when Gerald Ford pardoned Richard Nixon.

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Nutritionists say that most Americans will eat as many as 4500 calories during tomorrows Thanksgiving feast.

- I’m gonna cut back on calories this year by using “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” on my mashed potatoes and gravy. Nothing improves a Thanksgiving meal like a buttery spray of liquid chemicals.

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Towns in Northern Alaska said goodbye to the sun on Sunday. They’re so far north they’ll have 24-hour-a-day darkness until the sun rises again 65 days from now.

- Reminds me of that great song from the play “Annie”: The Sun’ll Come Out… In January”.

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A Florida man plead guilty to having sex with a miniature horse four times in one week.

- More proof that when a man cheats, it’s usually with his Secretariat.

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According to a new study, 55,000 kids in England between the ages of 11 and 17 are addicted to online slots and bingo for money… making them Gambling Addicts.

- It’s just nice to see young people acting like adults for a change.

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According to German researchers, more Millennials are moving back in with their parents than ever, leaving both generations depressed.

- The parents are depressed about the extra emotional and financial responsibility and the 20 somethings are depressed that they’re parents don’t have faster wi-fi.

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A camel named Einstein was caught on tape prancing around in the snow after the truck he was riding in got stuck in the snow in Pennsylvania.

- The vet who rushed to his recue said it was no biggie adding, “I’d walk a mile for a Camel”.

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Safe travels to you and yours as we begin this Holiday weekend! See you back here Thanksgiving Day!

-Dick

Martha Stewart told the Today show that the best way to avoid food poisoning when preparing your raw Turkey is to wear “surgical gloves”.

- That’s a little culinary tip she picked up while she was working in the prison cafeteria.

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Casey Kasem’s widow claims his three kids conspired to kill him in order to get his money… meanwhile the kids claim SHE did it to get the cash.

- Both sides have their motives… And we’ll be Countin’ Down the Top 40… right after this.

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Ford is working on technology that will eliminate the “new car smell” in vehicles… because a consumer in China complained about it.

- Wow. Sum Young Guy in China doesn’t like it… and the whole company comes unglued.

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250 passengers on a 737 in Beijing, China were forced to cough up cash for an airport mechanic who refused to fix a problem with the plane unless they paid on the spot.

- And there you have it… Communism at work!

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A man in New Orleans who threatened to “blow up the bathroom” of a Willie’s Chicken Shack restaurant now says there was no bomb, he was referring to a, um, shall we say, “nature calling”.

- As proof, he said the bomb squad ended up diffusing the situation with a can of Febreeze.

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Bo Derek turns 62 today.

- She’s still pretty but now “10” refers to the grams of fiber she needs each day to keep her system from running in slow motion.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Mickey Mouse is 90! Both he and his wife Minnie (they were secretly married) made their debut in the animated cartoon “Steamboat Willie” during this week in 1928.

- Mickey and Minnie will be celebrating at their favorite restaurant… Chuck E. Cheese.

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NFL kneeler Colin Kaepernick says he’s working out five hours a day in the hopes of being hired as a QB for any NFL team that will have him.

- His friends say he’s a real “stand-up guy”… except when he’s not.

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Broward County Elections Supervisor Brenda Snipes will resign after missing the latest Florida recount deadline by two minutes.

- Snipes says the majority of people voted for her to keep her job… but she lost their ballots.

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In an effort to fit more passengers on board, Delta and other airlines are downsizing plane bathrooms - with some smaller than the average dishwasher.

- From here on out, the “Mile High Club” will be referred to as the “Clean Plate Club”.

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More than 1 million consumers canceled their cable and satellite TV subscriptions in the last 3 months, opting to “stream” instead.

- NOTE TO MEN: If you have trouble “streaming”… you might want to have your prostate checked.

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College professors in England have been told not to use capital letters in assignment instructions because it may “frighten students”.

- The only thing that frightened me in college was realizing my Dad was going to find out I got a “D” in Disc Jockey-ing 101. I’m sorry… that’s a “d”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Witnesses in Mexican Drug Lord El Chapo’s murder trial claim he even put out “hits” on members of his own family.

- Well that’s gonna make for an awkward Thanksgiving Dinner.

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A big debate is brewing over whether more suburban Detroit cities can allow people to keep live chickens in their back yards.

- I don’t know about Chickens in my backyard, but I do know that next Thursday I plan to have a Turkey in my Dining Room.

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Queen Elizabeth threw a huge birthday party for Prince Charles who turned 70 yesterday.

- Like most 70 year olds, Charles’ birthday wish was for a successful run on the throne… in the Palace bathroom.

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Ask your Amazon Alexa how to “Play like a Lion” and you’ll hear Quarterback Matthew Stafford’s voice guiding you through squats and jumping jacks.

- And if you want to shed a few pounds, just ask Alexa how to “Lose like a Lion”.

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Michael Avenatti, the attorney for the woman who accused Brett Kananaugh of “gang rape” is now facing domestic violence charges of his own - but said he will be “fully exonerated”.

- And if you can’t believe this guy, who CAN you believe??

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Harley Davidson debuted their first ever Electric motorcycle.

- It’s expected to be big with people who get Temporary Tattoos and listen to Orchestral versions of rock songs. You know… like Tony Bennett’s version of “Born to be Wild”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Dan Gilbert announced that he’s selling downtown’s Greektown Casino for $1 Billion dollars.

- Apparently he was short on cash and didn’t think he’d get approved for a Quicken Loan.

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In a new documentary, Monica Lewinsky says that she thought the stain on her infamous blue dress was “Spinach Dip”.

- Bill Clinton replied, “I did not share an appetizer with that woman… Miss Lewinsky”.

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A California man has been banned from all Disney theme parks after he was photographed holding up a “Trump 2020” sign while riding “Splash Mountain”.

- Proving once again that “It’s a Small-Minded World After all”.

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Police are on the look out for a woman who attacked a McDonald’s manager because he didn’t give her enough ketchup packets when she went through the drive thru.

- Officers say she dumped fries on the mangers head and kneed his McNuggets.

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Walmart is giving away Free coffee to shoppers on Black Friday.

- Which is good news for people who want to be wide awake as they’re trampled to death.

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Facebook has launched a new dating app in Canada.

- It will go up against Canada’s most popular dating site, “Eh, Harmony.com”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Samsung is working on a new TV that will allow you to adjust the volume and change channels just by “thinking” about it.

- Remember back in the day when we had to get up and physically change the channel on the TV? Me either! I used to ask my daughter Jackie to do it for me.

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A new study found that 60% of Americans have had sex in a car, and that by 2040 self-driving cars will lead to “Prostitution on Wheels”.

- Just imagine… a Red Light District at every intersection.

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Meanwhile, a study by the University of Pittsburgh found that people who weigh themselves frequently are more likely to lose weight than people who ignore their scale and don’t hop on it as often.

- These days those people are known as “Scale Shamers”.

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A 35 year old Japanese man married a computer-generated hologram of a woman over the weekend.

- The happy couple vowed to love each other “Until a power outage us do part”.

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Bill Cosby is selling off his extensive art collection.

- He said the hardest piece to part with is his framed poster from the movie “Sleeping Beauty”.

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Police in Florida arrested a drunken woman who stole a live lobster out of a tank at Red Lobster and fled the restaurant.

- The officers drew their weapons… because the women had drawn butter.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

One hundred years ago “World War I” known then as “THE GREAT WAR” - that involved 32 countries - ended after 4 years and 10 million men killed. 21 years later, an even Greater War began, leading to 6 years and 50 to 60 million killed. Since then, the countries of the world have struggled to ensure there would be no more so call “GREAT WARS”. While there have been, and most likely always will be, “smaller” and regional conflicts, somehow or other we have been successful in avoiding another WORLD War. May our good fortune continue!

On this Veterans Day, we thank all of those who have served our great Country!

No go out and get half-off a mattress!

See you tomorrow…

-Dick

No matter what your Political persuasion… no matter if your favorite candidate or party won or lost, we must remember that we are - and always will be - Proud Americans.

With that in mind, I thought it appropriate today that we play a piece called “The Americans” written and broadcast in Toronto back in 1973 by Canadian radio commentator Gordon Sinclair. Detroit radio newsman Byron MacGregor heard Sinclair’s piece and was so moved by it, that he recorded it word for word, set it to music, and it went on to become a #1 selling record in this country.

“The Americans” was written at a time when our country faced great challenges, not unlike those we face today. I think it fitting to play now after witnessing the contentious midterm election season… and the chaotic state of the World today.

A growing number of Native Americans are calling on Elizabeth Warren to apologize for claiming that she’s a member of the Cherokee Tribe.

- To makes amends she sold her Jeep Cherokee and invited Tribe members to come to her Tee Pee to smoke the Peace Pipe.

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Meanwhile our neighbors to the South (Windsor) are smoking Pot… as legalized Marijuana officially went on sale in Canada yesterday.

- There were long lines at Pot dispensaries… and an hour later at Tim Hortons.

- So now it’s legal for a guy in a Toque to take a Toke.

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In honor of hunting season, some Arby’s locations will offer a Duck breast sandwich for one day only this Saturday.

- Thus there new slogan: “We Have The Mallards!”

- Donald Duck will protest by not wearing pants. No, wait…

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Lady Gaga’s fiancé reportedly spent a million dollars on her engagement ring.

- And on her Big Day she plans on wearing “Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed and Something Sirloin”.

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This Saturday, a coven of witches in Brooklyn, N.Y. will gather “to put a hex” on Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

- You know the old Witches adage: “If at First the FBI Investigation Doesn't Go Your Way, Throw the Toe of a Frog in Boiling Oil”.

- This is what’s known in Witch Circles as “Sittin’ for a Spell”.

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A Bride-to-Be in England is being criticized for sending her Bridal Shower attendees an itemized bill… including 71 cents for napkins and 43 cents for M&Ms.

- Sure. Call her cheap… But these were the M&M’s with PEANUTS.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

More than 30 million people will spend an estimated $480 million on Halloween costumes FOR THEIR PETS this year.

- I don’t care what you dress them up as, they’re still gonna rub their butts on the carpet and pee on the rug.

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A website named EatThisNotThat.com says the worst Halloween candy for your waistline is Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Minis.

- That’s why health conscious kids LOVE Trick or Treating at my house! The ladles of soup I give away have no added sugar!

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The man who plays Big Bird & Oscar the Grouch is retiring from Sesame Street this week after 50 years.

- Luckily, playing Big Bird gave him the opportunity to put away a really substantial Nest Egg.

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SPOILER ALERT!

In last night’s debut episode of “The Connors”, viewers found out that Roseanne Barr’s character died from an Opioid overdose.

- After watching the show in the Prison Break Room Bill Cosby warned his cellmate, “See… It’s always the pills that getcha in trouble”.

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A South Carolina woman forced her husband to get her name tattooed on his crotch after she caught him cheating.

- What’s the big deal? … Asked John Wayne Bobbitt.

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This just in… It’s “National 4 Prunes Day”! The day set aside to celebrate the habit of eating 4 prunes a day to help with… um… digestion.

- And now back to our Regular programming.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos predicts we'll have 1 TRILLION humans living in outer space one day — and says his rocket company plans to help us get there.

- The trip into space takes months or years, but you can get there in just TWO DAYS if you have Prime.

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A federal district court judge in California dismissed Stormy Daniels’ defamation lawsuit against President Trump, and ordered her to pay his legal fees.

- As is tradition for Stormy, the fees will be paid all in singles.

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Turns out Elizabeth Warren’s Native American ancestry is not 1/512 as we reported yesterday, but rather 1/1,024 - which is entirely possible for virtually ALL Americans.

- Trump says “Who Cares??” adding “I’m the President and she’s just a Senator”… making him the Top Guy on the Totem Pole.

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The Chinese Government threw a blogger in jail for five days after he disrespected the National Anthem.

- As opposed to here in America where we pay football players millions of dollars to “Take a Knee” during the National Anthem.

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According to Showbiz 911 Caitlyn Jenner has been completely cut off from the Kardashian family.

- Luckily, Caitlyn is used to having things completely cut off.

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A new dating show in France called "Making Love" features contestants having sex the first time they meet and then deciding if they like each other.

- This makes “The Bachelor” look like an episode of “Ozzie & Harriet”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Social Media went crazy after viewers spotted a painting of Prez Trump hanging out with 9 other Republican Presidents - including Abraham Lincoln - during Trump’s White House interview with “60 Minutes” Sunday.

- Bill Clinton has a similar painting of himself with 9 Democrat Presidents. Only in his painting they’re sitting around a table at Hooters.

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Police is San Bernardino, CA were able to coral a giant runaway Pig by luring him with Doritos.

- The Doritos worked WAY better than the Pork Rinds they offered him first.

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A new study finds that nice people may be more likely to struggle financially and even go bankrupt than those who are less thoughtful.

- Bottom line: The people who run Sears must be SUPER nice!

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Two male penguins at an Aquarium in Australia are taking care of an egg given to them by staff members who “suspected they were more than friends”.

- There haven’t been two gay guys in tuxes this happy since Boy George and Barry Manilow appeared together on the Grammy’s.

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Elizabeth Warren says a DNA test proves she’s somewhere between 1/32nd and 1/512th American Indian. (She says her mother told her she has Indian blood because she has “high cheekbones”).

- Just to drive the point home to Prez Trump - who sarcastically refers to her as “Pocahontas” - Warren Tee Pee’d the White House.

- She’s gonna run for Prez on the slogan “Hopi & Change”.

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The World’s Oldest Person, a 129 year old Chechen woman, says her longevity is “a punishment from God” and that she’s only lived “one happy day” in her life.

- On the bright side, she’ll have another “happy day” on November 7th - if she lives long enough for the Midterm elections to be over.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

One of the 80 sexual assault cases against Harvey Weinstein may be dropped because new notes kept by his accuser reportedly prove the sex was “friendly and consensual”.

- Harvey replied, “One down… only 79 to go!”

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Scientists say picking your nose can spread pneumonia.

- This is great ammo if you’re trying to get your kids, grandkids and husband to stop “digging for gold”.

*****. 

Two inmates escaped from a Kentucky prison by hiding inside the garbage.

- Ironically, they were caught by ANOTHER inmate, who picked them up by the side of the road with a trash-stick.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger told Men’s Health Magazine that he has “stepped over the line” with women several times in the past and he regrets it.

- Arnold is so apologetic, he’s even founded the #MaidToo movement.

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A new study RealtyHop.com named San Francisco the “Poop Capitol of the World” with more than 21,000 sightings on public streets last year.

- So, If you're going to San Francisco… Be sure to wear some nicely-scented flowers in your hair.

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Nabisco is about to launch a new “Most Stuf Oreo” with even more filling than their “Double Stuf” cookies.

- The new treats are known on the street as “Diabetes”.

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Bored with plain old Oreos? Head over to China where Nabisco is now offering “Spicy Chicken Wing” flavored cookies.

- They go great with Blue Cheese flavored milk!

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Beyonce and Jay-Z announced that they’ve “severed all ties” with Kim Kardashian and Kanye West for supporting Donald Trump.

- This is the most shocking break-up since the Tigers’ Mario Impemba and Rod Allen.

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Anthony Weiner will be released from prison next May - 3 months early - for being a “Model Prisoner”.

- Weiner says he’ll write a book about his time in prison… It’ll be a Pop-up Book.

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Frontier Airlines passengers were up in arms after a woman delayed a flight by bringing an “Emotional Support Squirrel” onboard.

- The passengers didn’t mind having the squirrel on board, it’s just that he ate all the bags of nuts.

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In other Squirrel news… Minnesota police were amazed when they found a man by the side of the road giving CPR to a Squirrel he’d accidentally hit with this car.

- The squirrel survived… and even HE thought the guy was nuts.

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A Gekko being treated at an animal hospital in Hawaii somehow used his little feet to call dozens of people on one of the vet’s cell phones.

- He was trying to get people to spend 15 minutes to save HUNDREDS on their car insurance.

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According to “laundry experts” on the internet - the easiest away to de-wrinkle clothes is to toss them in the dryer with a few ice cubes.

- Men who try this may experience some shrinkage.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Happy “Columbus Day”! Or as it’s known in more and more places - including Columbus, Ohio these days: “Indigenous Peoples’ Day”.

- But you can still get a great deal during Art Van’s “Incredible Indigenous Peoples’ Day Half-Off Mattress Sale”!!!

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A female writer for “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” has apologized for tweeting “Whatever happens, I’m just glad we ruined Brett Kavanaugh’s life”.

- More proof that this was ALWAYS about the issues.

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Bill and Hillary Clinton made a surprise appearance at Oktoberfest in Germany on Friday.

- Hillary spent the whole time looking for her email server while Bill spent the afternoon groping his Female server.

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A new study found that drinking even one glass of wine a day can lead to an early death.

- So much for the expression “Life is a Cabernet Old Chum”.

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New research shows that men who have fertility problems have smaller… um… “Manhoods” than men who have no problems fathering children.

- As if men with fertility issues don’t have enough problems… Now they’re also publicly getting the short end of the stick.

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#Metoo co-founder Rose McGowen says she didn’t mean to say the #Metoo movement was “a lie”… she meant to say that Hollywood’s #Time’sUp movement was a lie.

- I’ve got one thing to say: #I’mConfused.

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A riot broke out in the stands after Conor McGregor’s Mixed Martial Arts loss to Khabib Nurmagomedov in Las Vegas on Saturday night.

- There were so many people in handcuffs it looked like a Supreme Court Hearing.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back Tuesday!

-Dick

It’s “National Taco Day”… AND “National Toot Your Flute Day”!

- So, if you eat a taco today, chances are a few hours later you’ll automatically be tooting your flute.

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A group of investors are trying to salvage “Toys R Us” - and plan to bring back the company in 2019.

- But you won’t see Geoffrey the Giraffe because he’s been #’ed for “Unwanted Necking” at a Malibu Dream House Party.

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A New York Jet player who was fined by the NFL after rubbing a football against his butt on Thursday Night Football has been signed as the spokesperson for “Dude Wipes” - a toilet paper substitute for men.

- The team not only fined him, BUTT gave him a new jersey… #2.

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A video of man looking at lottery tickets in a gas station has gone viral, because the man is a dead ringer for President Trump.

- The man was immediately mocked by a man who is a dead ringer for Stephen Colbert.

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A woman at an Iowa Walmart was busted after attempting to pay for her order with fake $100 bills… that had bright pink Chinese letters on them.

- How could someone be so clueless you ask? Ancient Chinese Secret!

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Researchers from Carnegie Mellon University say people who consider themselves huggers are healthier than non-huggers.

- If this is true, Harvey Weinstein is going live to be 100.

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In an appearance on CBS This Morning, Chelsea Clinton spoke out against Brett Kavanaugh - but was not even asked about her own father’s sexual history.

- Chelsea said, “I was not asked if my Dad had sexual relations with that woman… Miss Lewinsky”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

The search is on for the next Gerber Spokes Baby… with the winner taking home $50,000.

- I was this close to winning last year but turns out they don’t allow babies with mustaches.

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According to the fashion industry more and more men are wearing high heels and stilettos as we “move society forward”.

- As I’ve always said: “Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his Pumps”.

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Inmates in an Irish Prison used a drone to have Chinese food delivered to them in the Prison Yard.

- Guards caught on when the prisoners started singing “Oh Danny Boy, Lo Mein… Lo Mein is calling you!”

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A video of 73 year old Mick Jagger dancing at a party is Paris has gone viral.

- He showed off his signature moves to hits including “Limpin’ Jack Flash” and “You Can’t Always Remember What You Want”.

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Amazon gave in to pressure from critics and voluntarily raised worker rates to $15 an hour.

- Workers will get their first big check in November… or this Friday if they have PRIME.

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At 2:20pm this afternoon, all cell phone users will receive a “Test Text” from FEMA as part of a test of the National Emergency Alert System.

- It’s only a test. If you want something REAL to be Alarmed about, just turn on the Kavanaugh coverage on cable TV.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

During an interview with NBC, third Kavanaugh accuser Julie Swetnick changed the story she gave in her sworn statement and now says she can’t say for sure that Brett Kavanaugh was involved in the alleged gang-rape.

- But she knows FOR SURE that she had lunch with Elvis at a Burger King in 1982.

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A man in NY has been left with permanently red eyes after taking too much Viagra.

- Same thing happened when he was a teenage and parents told him to stop spending so much time in the bathroom or he’d go blind.

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Germany now has an Adults-Only Oktoberfest where adults can drink beer and get naked in front of each other.

- We have that in America too, but we call them “Fraternity Parties”.

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The National Enquirer claims that Cher is being stalked by a man who sent her an ear in the mail.

- Big deal. She’s already had four chins and three foreheads… what’s another ear?

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Rapper Snoop Dog called Kanye West an “Uncle Tom” for supporting Trump… meanwhile Kanye reportedly thinks Snoop is on drugs.

- And nobody knows more about drugs than the man who’s married to Kim Kardashian.

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A University of Michigan Professor won a Nobel Prize in Physics for work with lasers.

- In a related story, an Ohio State University professor won 2 bucks on a Scratch-Off Lottery Ticket.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick