President Trump tweeted about the new one-week probe of Brett Kavanaugh.

- The Prez relates to this story because both he and Kavanaugh have been investigated by the FBI.

*****

Facebook admitted that a security breach gave a hacker the personal information of over 50 million users.

- The hacker knows two things: Where you stand on the Kavanaugh/Ford controversy and what you had for dinner last night.

*****

A St. Louis Mother has filed a federal lawsuit over the fact that her son didn’t make his high school soccer team.

- But he tried out so the way things are these days, at least he’ll get a Participation Trophy.

*****

Kanye West gave a Pro-Trump speech on SNL Saturday Night while wearing a MAGA hat… but producers cut it “For Time”. Kanye proceeded to have a meltdown.

- How could they tell??

**********

A Bride-to-Be has taken to social media to complain about her soon-to-be Mother in Law for buying a white, wedding dress-like gown to wear to future daughter-in-laws wedding.

- She’s the first daughter-in-law to complain about her mother-in-law for an actual reason.

*****

Visitors to Disneyland in California are up in arms because park officials are removing benches leaving people with no place to sit down and rest.

- One guy was so exhausted he had no choice but to tell Sleeping Beauty to “move over”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Stormy Daniels attorney says he will soon reveal a third accuser of Brent Kavanaugh - but he won’t disclose any details like who she is or what she alleges happened.

- Hard to believe this goes on in America. Well… maybe Salem, Massachusetts in the 1600’s… but not in America today!

*****

An Italian designer had models walk the runway with a fake third breast implanted in between their other two “To raise awareness of water shortage and the environment”.

- Huh???

*****

It’s D-Day for Bill Cosby who will be sentenced in his sexual assault case later this afternoon.

- So we’ll finally find out if the Coz will be spending time in a 6’ by 8” CELL-O!

*****

In attempt to reverse declining sales, Starbucks says they’ll begin laying off workers in November.

- To make losing their job a little easier, affected employees will get a “Pumpkin Spice Pink Slip”.

*****

A passenger sparked panic in mid-air when he tried to open a plane door, apparently mistaking it for the toilet.

- He almost became the first passenger in history who needed a parachute to join the Mile High Club.

*****

It’s National One Hit Wonder Day!

So grab your “Earth Angel” (The Penguins)… “Tip Toe Through the Tulips” (Tiny Tim) and settle in for a little “Afternoon Delight!” (The Starland Vocal Band). These songs are so great we’ll still be listening to them “In the Year 2525” (Zager & Evans).

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

“A-Weema-Weh, A-Weema-Weh, A-Weema-Weh, A-Weema-Weh
THE LIONS WON LAST NIGHT” crushing Tom Brady and the Patriots 26 to 10!!! CONGRATS!!!

Tiger Woods won the 2018 Tour Championship - his first PGA Tour victory in 5 years.

- So it was a big day for Lions & Tiger & Bears (they won too)! Oh my!

*****

56 year old Mary Kay Letourneau, the elementary school teacher who dated - then married - her twelve year old student, says she didn't know their love affair was a crime and that “he was in charge”.

- I mean, she knew it was sick but she DID NOT know it was a crime.

- This confirms my long held theory that you don’t ever want to put a 12 year old in charge of ANYTHING.

*****

A study of 2,000 people in relationships found that the average person had gained 36 pounds since they’ve first started dating their current partner — 17 pounds of which were gained in the first year alone.

- This was especially true with people who met on Plenty’oDeepFriedFish.com.

*****

According to the NY Times, one in every three positive reviews on TripAdvisor.com is fake and bought by hotels and restaurants to pump up business.

- The press caught on when they read Five Star reviews for Scranton’s “Motel 6” and “Lou’s House of Meatloaf”.

*****

Speaking of meatloaf… Micheal Moore says if his new movie “11/9” which is tanking at the box office “causes any trouble”, he’ll move to Canada.

- Tim Hortons’ stock immediately skyrocketed.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Oreos announced that they’re releasing a special Birthday Cake flavored cookie this November in honor of Mickey Mouse’s 90th Birthday.

- In a related story… Fiber One will offer a special birthday cookie in honor of Winnie the Pooh.

*****

Caitlyn Jenner says her 20 year old daughter Kylie struggled with her pregnancy - because she wanted to wait until she was 30 to become a Mom.

- As opposed to Him, who didn’t become a Mom until he was 68.

*****

Former "Saturday Night Live" star Chevy Chase slammed SNL for what he called "the worst f--- humor in the world” and referred to some of the cast members as “S—-H——”.

- After these remarks, the only friend Chevy’s gonna have left is Cousin Ed.

*****

U2’s Bono met with Pope Francis to discuss the “Evils of Capitalism”.

- Bono was late for the meeting due to problems with his private jet.

*****

A restaurant in Maine is getting Lobsters stoned before boiling them to make their deaths less painful.

- Proving the long held theory that marijuana is the gateway to drawn butter.

*****

Arby’s is giving out free tattoos to dedicated fans who eat there everyday. 

- Look for their new slogan: We have the INK!

- Taco Bell tried this one time but it didn’t work out because customers complained that it hurt too much to get a tattoo on their Chalupa. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Prez Trump has been mocked after saying that Hurricane Florence was “One of the wettest we have seen from the standpoint of water”.

- This reminds me of the time I visited the Sahara Desert and said to my wife, “Boy… there sure is a lot of sand around here!”

*****

Hillary Clinton says that we should give the woman accusing SC nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexual assault “the benefit of the doubt”.

- You know… like she did for Monica Lewinsky, Paula Jones and Kathleen Willey.

*****

People on Facebook are really vehemently divided on the Kavanaugh-Ford controversy.

- Facebook users haven’t been this angry at each other’s opinions since… yesterday.

*****

The big moment at the Emmy Awards was one of the winners proposing to his girlfriend onstage.

- There was some confusion because when he got down on one knee, people thought the National Anthem was about to come on.

- It was nice for Showbiz to see a man proposing something to a woman OUTSIDE of the casting office.

*****

A Florida man faces charges after he allegedly drove his 15-year-old son to a park with his teen girlfriend so they could - as he put it - “do their thang”.

- And to think my Mom told me not stand close to Gail unless there was “room for Jesus”.

*****

Coca-Cola is partnering with a Canadian pot farmer to produce a series of Marijuana infused beverages.

- I could be wrong but I thought pot is a gateway to coke, not the other way around.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

73 year old Bob Seger has announced that his upcoming 6-month tour will be his last. He may not be touring anymore but to us fans, Bob, - every time we listen to one of your songs, you’re Still the Same!

*****

Apple unveiled it’s new iPhone Monday and some women are calling them out for a bigger 6.5 in. screen that they say “hurts” and is “Damaging to a women’s ‘hand health’”.

- This is the first reported case of Hand Shaming.

- Simple Solution: Don’t buy the phone!

*****

96 year old Betty White won her 8th Emmy last night - this was celebrating 80 years in television.

- Betty’s never won an Oscar… but there’s always next year. Well, MAYBE.

*****

Roseanne revealed the way producers of her show - which she was fired from - killed off her character: An opioid overdose.

- “That’s gotta be a bitter pill to swallow”… said Bill Cosby.

*****

Julie Chen is leaving “The Talk,” days after her husband, Les Moonves, was fired as the CEO of CBS for sexual assault.

- She’s no longer on “The Talk”, but I’ll bet there’s a whole lotta talk going on in the Moonves home these days.

*****

Archeologists claim they’ve discovered the world’s oldest brewery in Israel.

- L’Chaim!

*****

Britain’s Oldest Person told an interviewer that the key to her living to be 112 is: Whiskey. 

- Good news! Now we all have a shot at living to 112! 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Prez Trump is going to send a text message to all U.S. cellphones this Thursday as a test of the new Federal Emergency Alert System.

- The message will start out, “This is a TEXT. This is only a TEXT”.

- The new system is designed to make sure we’re prepared in the event North Korea launches a Nuclear Covfefe.

*****

Woody Allen’s wife/daughter, Soon Yi, claims that her father/husband Woody is innocent, but that her mother/husband’s ex-girlfriend, Mia Farrow emotionally abused her when she was a child.

- The only thing that could make this story more complicated would be if Caitlyn Jenner was involved.

- And you thought Thanksgiving with YOUR family was awkward.

*****

Paul McCartney called out President Trump in one of his new songs, saying: “We’ve got a mad captain sailing this boat”.

- Trump immediately tweeted: “More proof the Beatles were a bunch of no-talent HACKS! And don’t get me started on Paul’s wife, Yoko! SAD!!!”

*****

The Weather Channel apologized after one it’s meteorologists who was seen allegedly battling fierce winds live on camera during Hurricane Florence while two guys were seen casually walked through the background.

- Forecasters say there’s a 100% chance of this guy getting canned by 5 this afternoon.

*****

Today is National Apple Dumpling Day!

- If you like to Dumple Apples… this is your Lucky Day.

(For those of you who don’t know what an Apple Dumpling is, (like me) it’s a cored apple - doused with cinnamon, sugar and butter, wrapped in pastry and baked!)

*****

A viral video shows a 2,000 pound bull in Utah jumping a fence and running away — all to avoid being circumcized.

- Well wouldn’t you???

- I nominate this for the “Take a Little Off the Top” Story of the Day!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

After 1,082 games and 960 career points over 15 years with the Red Wings, Henrik Zetterberg is retiring due to a degenerative back issue. A member of the 2008 Red Wing Stanley Cup team, he took over when Nick Lidstrom retired in 2012. Zetterberg said, “Even though I knew that I was on my last couple years, I wish that I could play a little bit longer.” So do we, “Hank”! Best of luck…and many thanks!!

-Dick

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday!

Former White House aid Omarosa Manigault Newman unveiled a new recording from inside the White House.

- Don’t tell me what’s on it! I’m waiting for the Box Set.

*****

Alex Trebek debuted a new beard during the season premier of Jeopardy that’s got the entire showbiz world talking.

- It’s the most famous beard in Hollywood since Debbie Rowe married Michael Jackson.

*****

A Wallet Hub survey found that 55% of millennials are willing to go into debt in order to get one of the new iPhones unveiled this week.

- I think the big news here is that Millennials are willing to pay for something without hitting up their parents.

*****

An Ohio supermarket is facing criminal charges after for eating $9000 worth of deli meat during the past five years she has worked for the business.

- Her attorney says the charges are a “bunch of bologna”. 

*****

A naked Florida man accidentally started his house on fire by trying to bake cookies on a George Foreman grill.

- This is exactly why I always get my cookies from the Girl Scouts.  

*****

A growing number number of Germans are accusing British women of ruining Oktoberfest by showing up in scantily clad outfits.

- The British have finally found a way to annoy the Germans for starting World War II.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

“The Talk” host Julie Chen is taking time off to “spend time with her family”, while her husband, the now-fired ex-Prez of CBS waits to collect his 120 mil severance.

- And by “spend time with her family” she means go over her Pre-Nup with a fine tooth comb.

*****

Twelve years after it was demoted to Dwarf Planet status, Scientists now insist that Pluto should be reinstated as a full-fledged Planet.

- Now if we can just get scientists to insist that DTE Energy Music Theater should be reinstated as PINE KNOB!!!

*****

The US Government is now using the “Molar Mic”… a microphone that clips to the back of a wearers teeth and works like a two-way radio.

- Finally CIA agents can do something I never managed to do: Talk on the radio and chew gum at the same time.

*****

Amazon has banned a number of Dating Advice Books because of unspecified “offensive content”.

- So “Who Should Pay For Dinner?” is offensive… but you can still get a copy of “Fifty Shades of Grey” for $9.75. (I looked it up!)

*****

A dermatologist claims that "Cultural Stress" - the result of trying to live up to the expectations of Social Media - causes wrinkles and can make you look 3 and a half years older than you are. 

- Luckily you can take 3 and a half year off your age by using a filter on your Facebook pics!

*****

A new study by Eden Fantasies found that the average person gives their partner a B- grade in the bedroom. 

- If you think that's depressing, remember people were graded on a curve.

- On a bright note... you can bring your grade up by doing "extra credit".

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

CBS President Les Moonves is out at CBS after six more women came forward accusing him of sexual harassment. 

- His life story was obviously the inspiration for CBS's "The Big Bang Theory".

- It's on CBS's cancellation list... and now so is Moonves. 

*****

For the first time in it's almost 100 year history, Lafayette Coney is now accepting credit cards. 

- Hot Dog! 

- The announcement got a Chili reaction from cash-enthusiasts, but the owner said it's time to Ketchup with modern technology. 

*****

VP Mike Pence told Fox News that he's willing to take a die detector test to prove he's NOT the White House mole. 

- Remember the good old days when the Vice President got elected and we never heard from him again? 

*****

Lionel Ritchie's model son, Miles, is covered in more than 150 tattoos. 

- Hello???

- Miles went Once... Twice... Three Times to a Tattoo Lady. 

*****

Hillary Clinton is scheduled to appear at a "Lesbian Tech Conference" in NYC this week.

- Or as Bill Clinton calls it "Really Smart Girl-On-Girl Action". 

- Meanwhile Bill will be appearing at a "Girls Gone Wild Conference" in Ft. Lauderdale. 

*****

A Mississippi high school senior had to ditch her crown after being named homecoming queen — so she could put on her football uniform and kick an extra point for the boy's Varsity football team. 

- It's the first time someone has stuffed their bra and worn a jock strap on the same night since Caitlyn Jenner went to the gym to workout.  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

President Trump may have an anonymous enemy in the White House... but North Korea's Kim Jong Un says he still believes in the Prez. 

- Proving the old adage "With Enemies Like This... Who Needs Friends??"

*****

FBI agents in Minneapolis have recovered a pair of ruby red slippers that were stolen from the Judy Garland museum in 2005. 

- Wizard of Oz fans were thrilled. And Toto too! 

- To be honest, I didn't think they had a Flying Monkey's chance in Hell of getting them back! 

*****

Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin slammed the Ryan Gosling film “First Man” for not showing the American flag during Neil Armstrong’s and Buzz's moon landing. 

- For those of you under 40, Buzz Aldrin was the second man to land on the moon... Not Woody’s sidekick in Toy Story.

*****

Kendall Jenner was seen “ripping Caitlyn Jenner a new one” at a restaurant in Malibu on Tuesday. 

- The last time Kendall's step-Dad turned step-Mom got a new one there was a surgeon in the room. 

*****

According to a Pew Research Poll, 26% of Facebook users have taken a one or two week "Break" from Facebook in the last year. 

- That's insane! I mean, How did they figure out how they should feel about politics???

*****

Scientists say Human Brain Power fluctuates during the year -- with mental performance peaking in the Fall. 

- Bottom line: Enjoy the "A" your child or grandchild got on the first day of school because it's all downhill from here. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A video has gone viral of George W. Bush quietly sneaking a piece of candy to Michelle Obama during John McCain's funeral service. 

- Turns out W. split his Twix with her. He gave her the Left Side and he ate the Right Side. 

*****

U2 abruptly ended its Berlin concert after Bono completely lost his voice on stage.

- This is one of the perks of seeing a Britney Spears concert. It doesn't matter if she has a voice since she's lip-syncing.

*****

A new study found water inside Jupiter’s Great Red Spot, which raises the prospect that intelligent life may exist on the planet.

- But still no signs of intelligent life on THIS planet.

*****

The owners of the adult web site PornHub are negotiating with Kanye West to direct their upcoming awards show. 

- No matter who wins, he'll claim that "Beyonce had the greatest sex tape of all time!"

*****

A drunken Florida man was arrested for assault after he licked his finger and stuck it in his girlfriends ear in order to give her a "Wet Willy".

- It's a good thing he didn't put her head in the toilet and give her a "Swirly" or he'd be facing the Death Penalty.

*****

A study by the University of South Wales uncovered a so-called anti-aging "technique" that they claim could see people living to be 150 years old. 

- It's known as "The Betty White Plan".

- A better "technique" is to just lie about you age. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

PETA has asked officials in Maine for permission to erect a gravestone to mark the site of a truck accident that resulted in the deaths of 4500 lobsters. 

- Visitors to the grave will be encouraged to bring flowers and drawn butter. 

- It's a great way to give a tragedy a fairy Tails ending. 

*****

Sarah Palin - John McCain's VP nominee in 2008 - will not be at his funeral because she's "not invited". 

- She'll be part of the service however because she can see the National Cathedral from her house! 

*****

A new study found that people who eat large quantities of meat and cheese will live longer than people who don’t.

- At last! A joint study by Arby's and Velveeta. 

*****

Researchers claim that eating 9 tablespoons of Olive Oil a week works better for a man's "performance" than taking Viagra. 

- NOTE: If you take Olive Oil and your uh, you know, lasts more than 4 hours... see a Chef immediately. 

*****

A couple from Texas has been charged with abandonment after leaving their 11 year old daughter home alone while they came to Detroit for a concert. 

- We tried to reach a Mr. Macaulay Culkin for comment, but he was too busy booby trapping his house for burglars, to take the call. 

- Police reported injuries to the first officer entering the house, who slipped on a floor full of marbles and a second officer who was hit in the face with a frying pan. 

*****

A brawl broke out on a flight from London to Ibiza after a drunken woman gave lap dances to strangers, flashed her breasts and did cartwheels down the aisle. 

- Air Marshalls were totally okay with it until the cartwheel thing. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

People in NYC were shocked when a swarm of thousands of bees descended on a Hot Dog Cart. 

- Being New Yorkers, they were shocked because they expected Flies. 

*****

A study out of Britain found that Goats are attracted to humans with happy faces and that farmers should "smile" at barnyard animals to produce better meat. 

- To be honest, I stopped reading at "Goats are attracted to humans". 

*****

The new buzz word in social media is "Shadow Banning" - where users can put up whatever they want, but Twitter, etc... secretly keeps anyone from seeing the posts.

- I may be wrong, but I'm pretty sure "Shadow Banning" was the name of the overnight guy at one of my radio stations. 

*****

China is using two-foot-tall robots to spend time with senior citizens.

- I've always said the best part of being a grandparent is getting to spoil your robot and then giving it back to it's designer!

*****

According to the Wall Street Journal, more and more Millennials are giving up Dating Apps and trying to meet potential partners in REAL LIFE. 

- Are they crazy??? That's never gonna work!!! I wonder who came up with that ridiculous idea???

*****

Kim Kardashian - who's had over $500,000 worth of "work done" including eight implants in her rear end - announced that she's "retiring" from plastic surgery.

- She realized it was time to call it quits when her butt started "beeping" every time she backed up. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

The United States and Mexico reportedly reached a preliminary NAFTA deal that will be finalized in the coming days. 

- That according to a recording from Omarosa. 

*****

82 year old Robert Redford says his new movie, "The Old Man and the Gun" will be his last before retiring. 

- With the possible exception of "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance-Hey-You-Kid-Get-Offa-My-Lawn". 

*****

In an expletive filled rant, a Canadian Bridezilla called off her $60,000 wedding when friends refused to pay the $1500 she demanded per invite. 

- If you still want to get her a gift, she's registered at "Bed, Psychopath & Beyond". 

*****

Alec Baldwin will play Bruce Wayne's father in the newest Batman movie "Joker" and he say's he'll model the character on Donald Trump. 

- In other words, Alec's gonna make a pile of cash by bringing the same Trump impression he does on SNL to the Big Screen. 

*****

Officials in France closed a public beach because a sex-starved dolphin keeps bumping into female swimmers.

- In his defense, the Dolphin didn't do it on Porpoise.

*****

A small southern town... Mayo, Florida... announced that it's changing it's name to "Miracle Whip, Florida". 

- The town is Sandwiched between Sarasota and Bradenton. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Stormy Daniels came to the defense of First Lady Melania Trump over the weekend, saying “people should stop speaking for her” and making speculations about her feelings.

- And who better to know how Melainia feels than a woman who claims she had sex with HER husband? 

*****

A new study found that Orangutans frequently use "Medicinal Plants" to treat their sore muscles. 

- They are doing it on the sly now but are hoping some "Medicinal Plant Dispensaries" will be legalized by Orangutanian voters in November. 

*****

Sesame Street is suing producers of the new R-rated movie "The Happytime Murders" because it features Sesame Street-like puppets snorting cocaine and working as prostitutes. 

- We finally know what Miss Piggy did to bring home the bacon. 

*****

Students at an elementary school in Atlanta WILL recite the Pledge of Allegiance in school each morning thanks to angry parents who protested the Principal's original decision to scrap the Pledge for a school chant. 

- The Principal added, "Well... if the kids don't like reciting the Pledge, they can always take a knee!!!" 

*****

IBM is working on technology that will sense when you need a cup of coffee and then deliver it to you by Drone. 

- Which is perfect for people who are too lazy to make a cup of Joe on their own. 

- I'm amazed they didn't come up with this before. But better Latte than never. (rim shot!)

*****

The new generation of iPhones won't be unveiled until next month, but insiders say they'll be even bigger than the current models. 

- There's even a name for the giant iPhones. They're called "Laptop Computers". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Pics and Tweets allegedly prove that #MeToo movement co-founder Asia Argenta did indeed have sex with a then-17 year old boy who's accusing her of sexual assault. 

- Apparently she lives by the old adage: "Do As I Say... Not As I Did Him". 

*****

Photos of an Austrian man went viral Wednesday after he boarded a train with a rather unusual travelling companion: a Horse named Frieda.

- Most Australians are against Horses on Trains... that according to a Gallop Poll. 

*****

CBS announced that it's hit show "The Big Bang Theory" will go off the air next May after 12 seasons. 

- In other "Big Bang" news... Stormy Daniels has added new dates to her "Make America Horny Again" tour. 

*****

The LA District Attorney is investigating a second sexual assault case against Kevin Spacey. 

- At this point, Kevin's ENTIRE CAREER is a House of Cards. 

*****

Google has launched a new feature that filters negative news and delivers only positive stories to cheer people up. 

- It's called "No News"... since we all know that No News is Good News. 

*****

Kroger will do away with plastic grocery bags by 2025 to reduce the amount of trash in landfills... but they'll still offer paper bags.  

- Wasn't it just yesterday that we started using plastic bags in order to "Save the Trees"??? Wasn't that PAPER-SHAMING???

*****

A drone over the Amazon Rainforest captured images of a tribe of 16 people wandering around who experts say have never had contact with the outside world. 

- They know that because their Facebook posts didn't include any political opinions.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

So much for "Survival of the Fittest". According to a new study of ocean creatures, those that are the laziest and don't move much survive the longest.  

- Put another way... your 30 year old son who's living in your basement - may not ever move out, but he's gonna live FOREVER!

*****

A company in Taiwan is selling dog-shaped ice cream. 

- The "Double Chocolate Lab" is to die for but I'd stay away from the "Pitbull with Nuts". 

*****

Meghan Markle's estranged father compared her in-laws, Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip to the Church of Scientology over the weekend. 

- To be honest, that's better than a lot of people who refer to their in-laws as "Satan". 

*****

A Canadian Coffee Chain named "Second Cup" is turning some of their stores into marijuana dispensaries. 

- Locals say it's the Best Coffee Joint in town.

*****

A woman helping her Grandmother clean out her garage was astounded when she discovered a a Lamborghini, a Ferrari and an MG - valued at half a Mil. 

- I helped my Grandma clean out her garage once and all I found was an old can of Crisco and a   framed picture of James K. Polk. 

*****

Facebook admits that it assigns users a "Trust Rating" depending on how they react to news articles... but keeps each person's score a secret. 

- So Facebook is doing something it's Users NEVER do... Keeping part of their lives secret. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Madonna is being blasted on Social Media after her "Tribute" to Aretha Franklin at last nights Video Music Awards ended up being all about... Madonna. 

- Hey... at least she didn't sleep with anybody during the show. (As far as we know).  

*****

A robber recently stole $1,000 worth of vape pens from a Mount Juliet, Tennessee gas station.

- Police say the suspect is armed, dangerous, and trying to quit cigarettes.

***** 

The Miami Herald newspaper has endorsed a Congressional Candidate who claims that she was abducted by "3 large, blond aliens" and taken aboard their Mothership.

- I think we can all agree on a candidate who reaches across the aisle and gets beamed up to Outer Space! 

- Blond Aliens, eh? I'm betting they use "Miss Clairol Number-Area-51".

*****

Hillary Clinton will reportedly host what are being called "Intimate Dinners and Discussions" to raise money for Democratic Candidates. 

- Actually, Hillary will handle the "Dinners and Discussions" and Bill will focus on the "Intimate" parts. 

*****

Subway trains in Brooklyn, NY had to be redirected after a pair of Goats wandered on to the tracks Monday. 

- Attn: KIDS! Don't try this at home!

*****

After 116 years - and pressure from PETA, Nabisco has removed the cages from boxes of Animal Crackers leaving the Elephant and his friends roaming free on the front of each box. 

- Finally! Free Range Crackers!

- The elephant said, "I'll never forget this historic day". Then again, elephants don't forget ANYTHING. 

*****

A Massachusetts Golfer was arrested after he bit off the finger of another golfer during an argument on the links. 

- The man say he misses his finger, but is just grateful he didn't have his putter out at the time. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick