Purtan Podcast #140: "A Quarantined Dog, A Stuffed Horse & A Little Old Man"

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Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #140. In our latest installment Jackie and I cover The Good... The Bad... And the "Noisy". Topics include:  

- The Ebola situation and the controversy over one of the patient's Dog being quarantined.  

- I re-enact the famous Grocho Marx law firm routine. 

- Mr. Purtan's Neighborhood Nuisance: Why it's taken over a Month for my next door neighbor to put a roof on his house...and how much fun it is living with the noise. 

- The possibility of hiring one of my family members to paint my deck to save a little do-re-me. (I even offer the job to Jackie).  

- Why I feel bad that I can't help my daughters with their home repairs. 

- The guy who was mad at his Boss... so he stole a train. (a REAL train!)

- Bill Cosby's "Little Old Man" train story. 

- A man who "romanced" a toy stuffed horse in the Bedding section of Wal-Mart. 

- The true-life story of a woman who gave birth... with her FATHER-IN-LAW in the delivery room. 

- And the only month of the year without a big holiday in America. (You're going through the months in your head, aren't you?)

So take off your Hazmat suit, slip into something more comfortable and tune in to Podcast #140)!  (24:24) 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick 

Zuckerberg Proves He's More Than A "Fake Friend"...

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg donated $25 million to fight Ebola. 

- This guy will do anything to be "Liked".

*****

Hillary Clinton will make an appearance at Oakland University in Rochester today to throw her support behind Democratic candidates. 

- While Hillary's speaking, Bill will be having lunch at "The Booby Trap" on Michigan Avenue. 

***** 

Macy's announced that they'll open at 6p.m. on Thanksgiving Day. 

- Prompting thousands of people to give Thanks for having to spend less time with their families. 

- It's great news for people who want to get stuffed and trampled on the same day. 

*****

Martha Stewart Living announced major staff cuts. 

- The hardest part was convincing employees that being fired was " A Good Thing".  

- Each employee will receive a golden parachute...well actually it's a gingerbread cookie in the shape of a parachute with gold frosting. 

*****

A survey by theKnot.com found that 80% of married women take their husband's last name. 

- And about five years in, they start "taking his name" in vain. 

*****

A Florida man was arrested for having sex with a stuffed horse after taking if off the shelf at Wal-Mart. 

- Police said he kept insisting, "It's MY Little Pony! It's MY Little Pony!"

- He would have used a Bert or Ernie doll...but he didn't want people thinking he was gay. 

*****

Madonna's daughter Lourdes says she's enjoying her first semester at the University of Michigan. 

- She says her classes are "easy"...which is most likely the same word the male students use to describe her. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast (#140)! 

-Dick

Waldorf Astoria Now Serving Moo Goo SPY Pan???

The State Department is reviewing a Chinese firm's purchase of the legendary Waldorf Astoria Hotel in NYC because of fears that China may use it to spy on prominent Americans. 

- On the plus side, guests say the new Room Service Menu's new "Almond Boneless Chicken" is the best in the city. 

- China doesn't need to spy on hotel guests! They can just read their Facebook posts about their trip to the Big Apple.

- So now instead of a mint on your pillow, you get a hidden camera above the mini-bar. 

*****

A study by the Bureau of Labor Statistics ranked Washington D.C. as the most expensive city in the country to live in. 

- It's so expensive...some homeowners can't even afford locks for their front doors. 

*****

The nation's gay community is cheering Pope Francis for saying that gays should have a bigger role in the church. 

- They also applauded his long robe paired with a giant hat as a "bold fashion statement". 

*****

An Italian nurse is accused of killing 38 patients because she found them "annoying" - then posted selfies of herself with the corpses on the internet. 

- She's smiling in the pix...but her victims look kind of stiff. 

- NOTE TO HER FUTURE CELL MATE: Don't ask for a sponge bath. 

*****

Taylor Swift says she hasn't had a boyfriend in two years. 

- You can hear more about it in her upcoming single "I Haven't Had a Boyfriend in Two Years".

*****

A Pew poll found that more men are worried about catching Ebola than women. 

- Which may explain why men like their girlfriends to dress up in Nurse's outfits...and a Hazmat suit. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

People Pumped Up At The Pump!

Gas prices are dropping...and if they haven't already...will probably fall to less than three dollars a gallon in coming days. 

- Gosh! It must be election time... ya think???

- Think of it as Happy Hour at your gas station...when it's a lot cheaper to get tanked. 

*****

A new study found that Atheists Tweet more that Muslims, Jews and Christians. 

-OMG! 

*****

A study by the FBI found that the average American has a better chance of getting robbed on the Internet than on the street. 

- It's known as iMugging. 

- But a guy named Mgumbo that's been emailing me from Nigeria told me it's not true.  

*****

Jennifer Lawrence says she has a crush on Woody Allen, but is in love with Seinfeld creator Larry David. But David says she's too young for him. 

- He basically told her to "Curb her Enthusiasm". 

- Ironically, Larry David says Lawrence is too young for him to date...and Woody Allen says she's too OLD for HIM to date. 

*****

This week's Saturday Night Live tied a record for the lowest viewed episode in the show's history. 

- So look for a totally non-funny sketch about it this coming Saturday. 

*****

Duck Dynasty star John Luke Robertson got engaged to his girlfriend. 

- Sounds like somebody done did get knocked up. 

- Even if she isn't pregnant, I have a feeling this is gonna be a Shotgun Wedding. 

*****

Tom Cruise's ex-wife Katie Holmes has signed on to reprise her role as Jackie Kennedy in a new mini-series. 

- Meanwhile Tom has signed on to play a Munchkin in a remake of "The Wizard of Oz".

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Women Tell Judge: "UP Yours!"

A Federal Judge ruled that taking "Up-Skirt" photos is NOT a violation of a woman's privacy. 

- Apparently the judge was appointed back when Bill Clinton was President. 

- So guys...forget about putting mirrors on your shoes! Install a camera instead. 

*****

A new report claims that NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is living in Russia with his American girlfriend, who happens to be a stripper. 

- He was looking for someone who wouldn't keep secrets from him and let's face it, it's hard to keep secrets from a guy when you're naked all the time. 

*****

Speaking of Snowden...he told an interviewer that if Americans want to protect their privacy, they should stay away from Google and Facebook. 

- If you don't believe me, Google it. 

- It's terrifying to think that governments around the world may know exactly what level you're on in Candy Crush Saga. 

*****

A study by Rockefeller University found that scientists can enhance the sex drive in mice by placing a hormone in their brains. 

- Minnie Mouse was one of the test subjects which explains why Mickey is so darn happy all the time!  

- They were going to try to implant the hormone in a dog, but it turns out Charlie Sheen is afraid of needles. 

*****

A new Gallup Poll found that 20% of Americans are worried about getting Ebola. 

- The other 80% don't watch TV. 

*****

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un missed another event this past Friday, making it 5 weeks since he's been seen in public. 

- He's like the "Air Malaysia" of ruthless dictators. 

*****

The Kardashians were seen partying with the Hilton sisters in Dubai over the weekend. 

- Admit it...you kinda wish there'd been an armed drone in the area. 

- There haven't been that many half-wits gathered in one place since the last "Three Stooges Convention". 

- It was the first-ever official meeting of an "Anti-Think Tank". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #139: "Wine, Women & Shoes"

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Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #139. Today we talk about a great charity event benefiting the Children's Hospital of Michigan Foundation that the entire Purtan family had the honor and privilege of co-chairing. The evening was called "Wine, Women & Shoes" which amazingly featured Wine, Women and Shoes! Daughter JoAnne was the MC, while Jackie and I spoke and acted as "auctioneers" for the many fine packages up for bids.

There was a strolling wine-tasting, High Heels served on silver platters by some "hot" (according to the women) "Shoe Guys", and a fashion show featuring some of the falls hottest looks. (Again...I was told that by my daughters...I wouldn't know a "hot fall look" if it showed up on my front doorstep labeled "Hot Fall Look".)

It was a great evening and all proceeds went to support the incredible work being done every day by the Children's Hospital of Michigan Foundation. 

My good friend, the incredibly gifted Dr. Larry Fleischman was there... He's the one who literally saved Jackie's life when she was 15, and suffering from a potentially fatal Blood-Kidney disease. After 15 dialysis treatments and 63 days in the hospital, she came home disease free! 

It was a great evening (I was even asked to model during the Neiman-Marcus fashion show but declined when they weren't including anything from the Michael Moore Collection.) and you can hear all the details now in Podcast #139! 

NOTE: Daughters JoAnne & Julie called in on the phone...and those parts are a tad low. Sorry...I've got to fire myself as the I.T. guy! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog...

-Dick

Chinese "Take-Out" US...

According the International Monetary Fund, China has overtaken the US as the World's Largest Economy. 

- To celebrate, China gave all of it's child workers an extra 5 minute break. 

*****

A study by the CDC found that over 110 million Americans have a sexually transmitted disease. 

- Hey China...Put that in your pipe and smoke it! 

- Now I understand that new online dating site: eUnexplanedRash.com. 

*****

An Australian couple who've been married for 55 years lectured the Pope and his bishops on the joys of sex. 

- After 55 years of marriage you'd think the only person having LESS sex than this couple would be the Pope. 

*****

North Korea's Kim Jong Un hasn't been seen in months, leading to speculation that he's been overthrown. 

- Or thrown to the dogs...literally. 

- Of course he could just be on an extended booze cruise with his BFF Dennis Rodman. 

*****

A group of international scientists claim that the female "G-Spot" doesn't exist. 

- Scientists are nerds...maybe it's just that THEY can't find it. 

- We could ask their wives or girlfriends but scientists don't have wives or girlfriends. 

*****

Fox has ordered a 10-part mini series called "The People vs. O.J. Simpson". 

- I can't wait for the final episode to find out how it ends! 

- The part of Kato Kaelin will be played by Kato Kaelin...since he's got absolutely NOTHING else to do. 

*****

The World Health Organization is warning survivors of Ebola to wear condoms for 90 days. 

- Apparently there are more people who want to do the horizontal Mambo with someone who just got over a deadly disease than I thought. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast! 

-Dick 

In Space...No One Can Hear You Snore!

NASA wants to put astronauts into a deep sleep to save money on the 180-day trip to Mars. 

- They'll either inject them with anesthetic or play a continuous loop tape of "Anchorman 2". (Sorry if you thought it was funny...I thought it was beyond bad!)

*****

Despite the dramatic increase in cases of Ebola, the White House announced that the President is not considering a travel ban to/from West Africa. 

- So you can put that trip to Liberia that you've been wanting to take - back on your bucket list...and then kick the bucket! 

*****

The Supreme Court cleared the way for an expansion of same sex marriage in five more states: Indiana, Utah, Virginia, Wisconsin and Oklahoma. 

- So if a Lesbian in any one of those five states gets her girlfriend pregnant, she can now make an honest woman out of her! No, wait...

*****

Demi Moore has offered to help ex-husband Ashton Kutcher and his fiancé Mila Kunis with their new baby girl, Wyatt. 

- It makes sense...she's kind of like the kid's Grandmother. 

- Luckily Demi saved all the toys she bought for Ashton when they were dating! 

*****

Bruce Jenner showed up at an Elton John concert the other night with an even more flowing hair-do and white earrings. 

- Elton and Bruce have a lot in common...although Elton's a lot more manly. 

- Bruce's favorite song used to be "Rocketman"... now it's "The Bitch Is Back". 

*****

FBI agents arrested a Chicago teen at O'Hare Airport who was leaving to join ISIS. 

- Remember the good old days when rebellious teens just sneaked behind the school to smoke a cigarette??? 

*****

FBI Director James Comey says there are two kinds of American companies: those who've been hacked by the Chinese, and those that don't know they've been hacked by the Chinese. 

- To find out which company you work for, check the FBI's handy chart labeled, "Column A and Column B". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

The Fat Lady Sang...

Tigers swept out of Playoffs with Game 3 with a 2-1 loss to the Orioles yesterday. On the bright side, you can get tickets to today's Game 4 at Comerica for a song...

Making the Sports weekend worse: 

Lions lose in the final seconds to the Bills after Buffalo nails a 58 yard field goal... and Michigan comes up short against Rutgers, 26-24. 

But being the glass-is-half-full kind of guy that I am...let's not forget that the Spartans shucked the Nebraska Cornhuskers, 27-22. 

*****

In a speech Sunday, President Obama promised to fix the economy "for all hard working Americans". 

- So it looks like members of Congress and Secret Service Agents are gonna be on their own. 

- Wouldn't it be great if they fixed the economy so all Americans who want to work hard can actually find a job?

*****

An exclusive WXYZ Channel 7/Detroit Free Press poll found that 93% of people in Michigan think our roads are in bad shape. 

- Ya think??? 

- The other 7% didn't respond because they're still stuck in the giant potholes they fell into last winter. 

*****

TNT has cancelled the updated version of "Dallas" after three seasons. 

- On the bright side...we could wake up tomorrow and find out the announcement was just part of a bad dream. 

- To show you how times have changed, instead of "Who Shot J.R.???" audiences will be left wondering "Who Sent A Drone To Take Out Bobby???"

*****

The horror flick "Annabelle" was the top grossing film at the box office this weekend. It tells the story of a tiny doll that terrorizes the country. 

- It's subtitled "The Miley Cyrus Story".  

*****

A mild earthquake struck Las Vegas on Sunday morning. 

- No injuries were reported...but it did knock a woman off her seat at a slot machine, marking the first time she's moved in 27 years. 

- People who live in Vegas were shaken by the quake, but not nearly as shaken as the tourists who woke up Sunday morning and realized they'd married someone they didn't even recognize the night before. 

*****

Apple plans to release the next generation iPad on October 16th. 

- Apple pops out new members of it's family so often they should have their own reality show..."iOS 8 and Pregnant".  

*****

Have a great day, I'll see you back here Tuesday, and GO TIGS!!!!! Ooops...

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #138: "Polkas, Bagpipes, & Cheese...Oh My!"

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Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #138...featuring a return visit by Joe Noune, a "Purtan's Person" on my radio show for many years. Subjects include:  

- Voting "Scotish Style"... Who needs paper ballots when you've got kilts to raise? (So many hanging chads...) 

- The "beauty and ease" of playing the bagpipes...because you only really have to know how to play one song.  

- We play the classic "Polka Grammy" bit from my morning show, featuring Joe as Howard Cosell judging the nominated Polkas. (note: you might want to turn up the volume for this part).

- Why a new study on multi-tasking may spell bad news for women...and hardly affect men at all.

- Favorite old time TV shows and characters. 

- How men don't pay attention to food "expiration dates" and what Mexican restaurants put in their Refried Beans. 

And...

- A  "Secret Purtan Family Recipe" involving Velveeta cheese...and how we lived to tell about it. 

So grab onto your Bagpipes and join us for Podcast #138!  (37:15)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog...

-Dick

LET THE GAME BEGIN!!!

Tonights the night... Game One of the Play-Offs between the Tigers and the Orioles, in Baltimore. Max Scherzer on the mound.  Game time: 5:37pm. GO TIGERS!!!!!!!!!

*****

After mounting reports of lapses in security, including the revelation that a man rode an elevator with the President while carrying a gun, Julia Pierson, the Head of the Secret Service, resigned yesterday

- In Washington "Resigned" is the code word for "Don't Let The Door Hit You On The A** On Your Way Out". 

- Her temporary replacement said the Secret Service will step up their efforts to protect the President "by hook 'r by crook".

*****

Microsoft announced that the operating system replacing Windows 8 will be called Windows 10. 

- They decided on Windows 10 because "Wallside Windows", "Majic Windows" and "Hanson Windows" were already taken. 

*****

According to a new study, married men live longer than single men despite the fact that single men are thinner than their married counterparts. 

- Bottom line: Married men will be older when they die, but single guys will look better at the funeral home. 

*****

P. Diddy told an interviewer that Jennifer Lopez's booty is a "work of art". 

- If JLo's is a "work of art", then Kim Kardashian's is an entire Museum. 

*****

A study of U.S. Treasury Securities found that we're borrowing an astounding $8 Trillion a year. 

- If don't know how much 8 Trillion dollars is...it's A LOT. 

- Here's an idea, take 10 bucks from the 8 Trillion and buy a lock for the White House front door. 

*****

The first case of Ebola has been confirmed in the US...with dozens, possibly hundreds of people at risk who came into contact with the patient. 

- Obviously our "Immigration Policy" on viruses isn't working any better than the one we have with people. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here on Friday with a brand new Podcast! (#138)

-Dick

Rosie Shows Her Thorns!!!

They've only been back on the air for two weeks, but Rosie O'Donnell and Whoopi Goldberg got into a heated, expletive laced argument during a commercial break on "The View" Monday, leaving the audience stunned. Rosie was mad that Whoopi cut off her comments on spanking kids to go to a network mandated break. 

- The audience was only stunned that the two actually got along for two weeks before throwing the F-bomb at each other. 

- I understand Rosie's point...think of the millions of viewers who had to wait 3 whole minutes to find out whether or not they should spank their kids! 

- It's an historic day when Whoopi Goldberg comes off as the rational one. 

*****

The World's Oldest Clown, Floyd "Creeky the Clown" Creekmore has died at the age of 98. 

- In lieu of "Flowers that Squirt Water", his family has requested donations to the "Everybody Can Be a Bozo Scholarship Fund". 

- "Creeky" performed right up until the end, although because of his age, he wasn't allowed to drive the tiny car filled with 27 of his co-workers at night. 

*****

The White House held a state dinner for India's Prime Minister despite the fact that he's fasting. 

- Holy Cow! 

- He's not the first visiting Prime Minister to claim he was fasting after seeing Michelle's "Vegetable Dessert Tray". 

- The good news is, there was plenty of extra food for the uninvited guests who just strolled into the White House during the dinner. 

*****

A study by Princeton University found that 20% of women who decide not to have kids say it's  because of the economy. 

- The study also showed that 45% of women who DO have kids say it's because they forgot to take their pill. 

*****

Swimmer Micheal Phelps, the most decorated Olympian in history, was arrested for his 2nd DUI after going 84 in a 45mph zone, and crossing the double yellow lines in a tunnel. 

- You'd think after all those laps, he'd at least be able to stay in his own lane. 

- I'm shocked that anyone would pass in a tunnel...unless they happen to be late for their radio show at CKLW. 

*****

California passed a bill making it mandatory for both parties to give oral consent before sex can commence. 

- It's known as the "Discourse Before Intercourse" law. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Maybe Morris Isn't The Only One With A Concussion...

U of M Concussion Controversy Continues - Statement from AD released at 12:10 AM said QB Shane Morris suffered a "mild concussion".  Nobody saw anything. Bizarre. Maybe they should hire the Secret Service to protect the players...

Then again, maybe not...

After Secret Service members themselves reported more than 1000 instances of "security lapses", a new report claims the Secret Service is not capable of protecting the President and his family. 

- Not true! They stopped that guy who jumped the fence, ran across the lawn, walked in the unlocked front door of the White House and made it all the way to the East Room on the second floor before he hurt ANYBODY! 

*****

Hillary Clinton told reporters that she won't discuss her granddaughter, Charlotte. 

- Same thing she said about Benghazi. 

- Meanwhile Bill can't stop talking about the baby... And has put himself in charge of finding the perfect nanny. 

*****

Pope Francis told followers that "a nation that doesn't take care of its elderly is a nation without a future." 

- Techinically, it's the "elderly" who don't have much of a future. 

*****

A Liberian newspaper is standing by it's claim the U.S. manufactured Ebola. 

- This story would be a lot more credible if we actually manufactured things here in the U.S. 

- Obviously the fact-checkers didn't see the "Made in China" stickers on the bottoms of all the patients. 

*****

Beyonce made big news by switching her hairstyle to include bangs. 

- She's trying for that always popular "Mamie Eisenhower Look". 

*****

A Delaware man was killed while crossing the street to get to a funeral home. 

- I believe that's known as "cutting out the middleman". 

- On the bright side, he was headed to a visitation, so he was already dressed in a really nice suit. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Tigers 4-Peat!!!!!

For the fourth year in a row the Tigers have won the American League Central Division Championship. They open against the AL East champs, Baltimore, on Thursday in Baltimore. Tickets for play-off games at Comerica, are, as of this writing, still available. Go Tigs!

More good news for Detroit Pro Sports... as the Lions beat the NY Jets 24-17 bringing the Lions early season record to 3-1. 

On the College front...

Congrats to the MSU Spartans who steam-rolled the Wyoming Cowboys 56-14. 

Not so great news for Michigan as the Wolverines lost their second straight home game at the Big House... this time to Minnesota, 30 to 14. It's only the 4th time in 47 years that the Golden Gophers have taken down the Wolverines. 

Much unhappiness and controversy over Brady Hoke's coaching and his handling of QB Shane Morris in Saturday's game. An obviously wobbly Morris was allowed to stay in the game...and even return after sitting out several plays... despite displaying concussion-like symptoms. Story developing... 

*****

Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a bouncing baby girl on Saturday. Her name? Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky. 

- Bill was so excited that Hillary even let him hand out Cigars. 

- No word on whether this will effect Hillary's decision to run in 2016, but Democratic strategists are already hinting that Charlotte will make a run for the White House...in 2052. 

*****

The FBI says that only 12 Americans are currently fighting for ISIS and not the 100 who were originally reported. 

- That according to the ISIS on-line dating service.  

*****

North Korean officials announced that Kim Jong Un, who hasn't been seen publicly in three weeks, is "suffering from discomfort". A European tabloid claims it's due to his addiction to cheese. 

- Can you blame him? Who doesn't love a good Schnauzer Kebob with a Cheddar dipping sauce? 

- Or it could be as simple as too many Hot DOGS.  

- His doctors feared it could be something more serious, so Kim had them executed. 

*****

72 year old Barbra Streisand's new album, "Partners", debuted at #1 on Billboard, making her the only artist in history to have a #1 album in six different decades. 

- Barbra had no idea until her chauffeur-slash-husband James Brolin said he heard it on TV. 

- Songs include: "People...Who The Hell Are All These People???" and "Somewhere...I Know I Left My Keys Somewhere". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #137: "A Wink...And Who Gave Jeter The Nod"

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Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #137! Today the always entertaining former "Purtan's Person" Joe Noune joins Jackie and me at the Purtan dining room table to tackle some of today's most pressing issues including:  

- Is it better to be a Facebook friend or a "Real" friend???

- Larry King and his infomercial for "The New Zealand Green Lipped Mussel".

- The incredible amount of products on store shelves these days compared to the "Old Days". 

- Why Joe and I are confused by the hanging signs at both ends of the grocery aisles. 

- Joe's experience buying feminine hygiene products for his wife...and himself. 

- Wink (The Winker) Martindale and his show "Name that Tune". (Prepare for an impromptu acapella performance) 

- Joe's crazy theory on how Beethoven may have "faked" being deaf to increase sales of his music. 

And...

- The late, great Howard Cosell (via Joe) talks about Michigan native Derek Jeter's retirement from the Yankees... and what former Detroit Tiger Ace scouted and recommended Jeter. 

So for an in-depth analysis of stuff that doesn't really matter, turn off the cable news and tune into Podcast #137!   (42:16)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog... 

-Dick 

Tigers And Red Wings Both Big Winners Today!

This afternoon, the Illitch family is holding a huge Ground-Breaking Ceremony for the new Red Wings Arena and the new Entertainment District along Woodward just north of Downtown. It will be followed by a Block Party from 6 to 9 pm, with family friendly events including live bands, food trucks, and a temporary ice rink. To add to the festive mood, the Tigers have clinched a play-off spot. They have a 2-game lead over K.C. with 4 games left to play. The magic number is 3!!! 

*****

In less happy news... After 100 years in Detroit, Cadillac is moving it's global headquarters to New York City. 

- Why??? If they can make luxury cars there...they can make them anywhere! (Including here!) 

*****

Bill Clinton may have accidentally leaked the sex of his soon-to-be-born grandchild on Good Morning America. He referred to the baby as his "Grandson" before quickly adding "or Grand daughter".

- Bill's hoping it's a boy so he can take him fishing, teach him baseball, and meet all those co-eds when the kid heads off to college.

- Boy or girl, this will be Bill's first grandchild... that we know of.

*****

American soft drink makers announced plans to reduce sugars by 20% without comprising taste.

- The plan includes attaching a packet of pink, blue or yellow artificial sweetener to each can...either that, or they'll just lie about the amount of sugar on the label.  

*****

A story about a Florida woman getting a third breast in hopes of landing a reality show turned out to be a hoax. 

- We already have a reality show with 3 Boobs...it's called "Keeping Up With The Kardashians". 

- I thought "The Three Stooges" nailed the 3 Boob thing years ago. 

*****

Ringo Starr told reporters that there's no way there will be a Beatles reunion anytime soon. 

- Apparently nobody bothered to tell Ringo that John and George are no longer with us. 

- In addition, he added that he has no plans to appear on "The Ed Sullivan Show" this fall. 

*****

A British chef introduced a burger that tastes like human flesh. 

- I think we already have a product like this...it's called "Manwich". 

- He claims he uses only the finest ingredients including "Ground Chuck". 

- He plans on expanding the menu to include "Frank and Beans".

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast! 

-Dick

We Don't Care Either...But At Least It Doesn't Involve Terrorists...

It's Official...Kris Jenner has filed for divorce from Bruce Jenner. 

- She's says he's "not the man she married"...at this point, she's not even sure if he's a man. 

- Insiders say the couple has a "Toxic Relationship"...wait...Don't they mean a "Bo-Toxic Relationship"?

*****

The National Counterterrorism Center confirmed that home-grown militants have sneaked back into America. 

- They were going to used doctored passports and disguises, but decided to just walk in from Mexico instead. 

- Luckily, the front door to the White House is now locked. 

*****

Whoopi Goldberg was named the Grand Marshall of New York's upcoming Halloween Parade. 

- In a related story...due to her recent weight loss, this year Rosie O'Donnell will not be attending the Parade as a Float. 

- You don't really need a Parade in NYC to see a lot of people dressed up in scary outfits. Just walk through Times Square during lunch hour. 

*****

Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg's new San Francisco neighbors claim his construction people are hogging all of the parking spaces on their block. 

- To make it up to them, he gave everyone a free life on "Candy Crush Saga". 

- Wow...usually you have to actually meet your new neighbors before they "Unfriend" you. 

*****

Bill Clinton says he's expecting to become a grandfather any day now. 

- In unrelated news...Chelsea's about to have her baby! 

*****

Charlie Sheen is in talks to return to "Two And A Half Men" for it's final season. 

- You know what that means...Extra tips for the Hookers. 

*****

President Obama has taken a lot of heat for saluting two Marines with a cup of coffee in his right hand while getting off the Presidential helicopter. 

- Ever since, he's been getting another kind of salute from people all over the country. 

- If you think he's in trouble now, imagine what Michelle would have done to him if it had been a Big Gulp full of Regular Coke. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Help! It's Fall... And I Can't Get Up For It!

Autumn arrived at 10:29 last night making today the first official day of Fall. 

- As opposed to September 1st through the 22nd which were "Unofficial Fall". 

- I refuse to let go of Summer yet...I'm just switching to my thermal sandals and fur-lined shorts. 

*****

Yesterday the Obama administration announced that in response to a former US Soldier jumping the fence and making his way into the White House with a knife last week, they will now keep the front door locked. 

- They'll also put an "ADT" sign on the front lawn and install one of those fake "Barking Dog" motion sensors. 

- Don't tell anyone...but they're going to leave a key under the doormat in case the President leaves his in his Golf Bag. 

- Good to see they've finally got this whole "National Security" thing nailed down.  

*****

A study by the University of Sydney found that, like humans, there are optimistic and pessimistic dogs. 

- But all dogs are "Piss-i-mistic" when it comes to your living room carpet. 

*****

Starbucks is testing a beer-flavored coffee which is meant to taste like a Guinness. 

- They're trying to capture the all important "Beer & Scones" market. 

- To counter the move, Budweiser is introducing a beer that tastes like coffee. It's called "French Roast Light". 

*****

Santa Monica, California announced plans to host the world's first "Vegan Octoberfest". 

- There isn't enough beer in the world to wash down a Bratwurst made out of Chick Peas. 

*****

University of Michigan football coach Brady Hoke says he's not worried about getting fired despite the team's poor start. 

- It's that kind of positive thinking that has landed the Wolverines where they are today. 

- Why do I feel an "I'm retiring to spend more time with my family" speech coming on? 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

CHARLIE'S 13TH BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Jackie's son Charlie is the big 1-3 today! He's a TEENAGER. Last Friday, she dropped him off at the front door of the school... This morning he wanted Jackie to drop him off two blocks away, in a rental car, so his buddies wouldn't see her. And so the fun begins! 

Happy Birthday Charlie!!!!!

*****

The Secret Service says the knife-carrying man who jumped a fence and walked in the front door of the White House was not a serious threat. 

- If you really want to get to the President don't go to the White House...go to a golf course. 

- No wonder we can secure the southern border...The Obamas don't even lock the front door of their house! 

- Dontcha hate it when people just drop by your house without calling first? Especially when they're carrying a knife.

*****

A study by the National Sleep Foundation found that 45% of children are allowed to use electronic gaming devices in their bedrooms. 

- The study also found that 85% of their parents have "gaming devices" in their bedrooms...but instead of electricity, the run on batteries. 

*****

Sad news from the world of Reality TV... "Mama June" and "Sugar Bear", the stars of Honey Boo Boo, have broken up. They split after she discovered he had put up a dating profile on "PlentyoFish.com". 

- They'll divide their property equally: She'll get all the broken appliances in the back yard and he'll get the chevy pick-up on blocks in the front.  

- Sources say Sugar Bear is leaving to be with "an unnamed woman"...If I was that woman, I'd want to be "unnamed" too. 

*****

In a newly released video, a spokesman for ISIS called Sec. of State John Kerry, "The old uncircumcised geezer". 

- In a display of true Statesmanship, Kerry replied "Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire!"

*****

A Booze Cruise ran aground at the Statue of Liberty, forcing all 121 passengers to be evacuated. 

- Thus the quote on Lady Liberty: "Give me your tired, your over-served, your huddled masses yearning to pee".

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Kilts To The Hilt