Scots On The Rocks With The UK???

Scotland is voting today on whether or not to secede from the U.K. which they joined back in 1707. 

- The Scots won't use paper ballots...they'll just vote "up or down" by raising their kilts. 

- Brings back memories of all those Hanging Chads...

*****

ISIS terrorists released a trailer for a propaganda movie called "Flames of War". 

- There are now more ISIS videos on the internet than "Ice Bucket Challenges" and "Cute Cat Clips" combined. 

- If the trailer works as they hope, the movie will Bomb. 

*****

The MacArthur Foundation revealed its annual list of "Genius Grants". Winners will receive $500,000 a piece. 

- Congratulations to Kim Kardashian for NOT making the list for the 10th year in a row! 

- Ironically, not one guy from the Genius Bar at the Apple Store made the cut either. 

*****

A new report says the child vaccination rate in Beverly Hills is lower than it is in the Sudan or in Chad. 

- Put another way, "Chicken Pox is the New Black!"

- But Beverly Hills has way more kids named "Sudan" and "Chad". 

*****

Health authorities say areas of Syria that are controlled by ISIS have much higher rates of STD's. 

- Apparently the jihadists are excited by the 72 Virgins waiting for them in Heaven...but are even MORE EXCITED by the Hookers here on earth. 

*****

Apple added a "delete U2 button" so iTunes users can remove the free album that was automatically sent to their libraries. 

- I spent the whole morning looking for the button, But I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast! (#137)

-Dick 

Miss America: "I Can Like Totally Like End Wars!"

The new Miss America says she has an incredible diplomatic opportunity to broker peace between Russia and Ukraine. 

- It should work out great if Vladimir Putin likes "puffy clouds and long walks on the beach" as much as she does!

- And suddenly Dennis Rodman looks like Henry Kissenger. 

*****

Federal Investigators say over 100 young American women have joined up with terrorists in the Middle East. 

- Apparently they were tired of living under their Dads' rules and wanted more freedom... Good luck with that ladies! 

- This is actually good news... They're really gonna slow down the terrorist missions by constantly stopping and asking for directions. 

- Most college age girls like to get bombed on Saturday night, not actually do the bombing. 

*****

A new poll says that 63% of Americans have no idea who's in control of the House. 

- Of the remaining 37%, half think it's "Mom" and the other half thinks it's "Dad". 

*****

Music insiders say the first Live Whitney Houston album will be released on November 10th. 

- Can you say "Bobby Brown needs bail money again"? 

*****

London offered Scotland "new powers" if they vote "No" on seceding from the U.K. tomorrow.

- If that doesn't work, they're sending in Prince Harry and his friends in their Nazi Uniforms. 

*****

A transgender Colorado girl named Scarlett, who used to be known as Andy, was crowned Homecoming Queen by her class. 

- She says she's just like any other girl who used to be a guy and "puts her pantyhose on one leg at a time". 

*****

In the wake of all the recent scandals, the NFL hired four top level domestic violence experts. 

- They start each session with the players by saying "Are You Ready For Some COUNCELING???"

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Mohammed & Jill, Went Up The Hill...

The FBI says ISIS terrorists have written a recruiting poem that promises 72 virgins for them in Heaven. 

- It's designed to appeal to the ruthless, murdering jihadists more sensitive, romantic sides. 

- The poem would really go over well with potential female terrorists...but they're not allowed to read. 

- One of the verses says: "Blowing Yourself Up Has Lots Of Perkas! Like 72 Chicks...Without Their Burkas!" 

*****

The Clinton's made an appearance at the Iowa Steak Fry. 

- Hillary spoke on stage for 23 minutes, while Bill lassoed 23 cowgirls behind the corn dog stand. 

*****

Pope Francis married 40 couples who were already living together during a ceremony at the Vatican, despite the Church's strong stance against "living in sin". 

- When you think about it, letting them get married is a great way to stop them from having sex. 

*****

Hurricane Odile struck land in Mexico injuring 84 people. 

- Put another way, Hurricane Odile injured everyone still living in Mexico. 

- Odile? Apparently Kim Kardashian and Gwyneth Paltrow are co-chairs of the "Hurricane Naming Committee". 

*****

Rosie O'Donnell told Vanity Fair that she's returning to "The View" because she's much happier and healthier now that she's lost 53 pounds by having her stomach stapled. 

- Well Whoopi for her! 

- Next the producers are going to work on stapling her mouth. 

*****

A study by USA Today found that 58% of NFL players have suffered concussions. 

- Tomorrow they'll reveal how many concussions their wives have suffered. 

*****

ESPN says we need to re-program the violent way in which we raise men. 

- So look for the "ESPN Fantasy Pilates Play-Off's" coming soon to a TV near you. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

In Sickness & In Health? That Depends!

24-year-old Playboy model Cathy Schmitz married 81-year-old Australian Billionaire Richard Lugner over the weekend. 

- She said it was “Love at first sight!”…of his bank balance. 

- Despite their wealth, they celebrated at Denny’s because he gets the Senior Discount and she can still order off the kids menu. 

- Friends of the couple say it won’t be long before the lovebirds will be changing Diapers… 

- They actually have a lot in common…her biological clock is ticking, and as of this writing, so is his heart. 

*****

Sarah Palin says she owes America an apology for losing the 2008 election to Barack Obama. 

- According to most polls, Barack Obama owes America an apology for Winning the 2008 election. 

*****

Scientists have discovered a plant-eating dinosaur that weighs more than a T-Rex. 

- They’re calling it a “Vege-Sauraus”. 

- They discovered the bones near a the ruins of a “Whole Foods” store. 

*****

British Prime Minister David Cameron says he’ll be devastated if Scotland and England break up. 

- Insiders say he feels the same way about Beyonce and Jay Z. 

*****

A report by USA Today says 38 NFL players have been arrested this so far this year. Last year a total of 57 were arrested. 

- So if you want to kill two birds with one stone, forget watching “Cops” and just tune in to Monday Night Football. 

*****

Ray Rice and his wife received a huge ovation from the crowd when he returned to his high school football field on Saturday. 

- It makes sense if you consider that in his senior year he was voted “Most Likely To Beat The Bejabbers Out Of Your Future Wife In An Elevator”. 

- So they’ll boo a ref for making a bad call, but they applaud Ray Rice…It’s good to see they’ve got their priorities in order. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #136: "2000 People And One Bathtub!"

Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #136. Our special guest Dale Johnson of the Salvation Army joins us as we "rehearse" a 2-minute presentation that we're giving on "Harrison the Bed & Bread Truck" before an audience of 2000 people. What makes it interesting is not only the content, but the fact that we "practice" it exactly as it's written...typos and all. Dale, who wrote the script, blames the errors on his 5 year old cousin who he claims typed it. But wait! There's more...

- I explain why I had to hand-sign all 4,025 copies of the poster pictured above for the Salvation Army Junior Bed & Bread Club. 

- We talk of the Ray Rice controversy currently dominating the NFL and the tragedy of Alex Karras. 

- For a little "Musical Interlude"...Jackie explains the bathtub routine she used to do with her son Charlie when he was a toddler - that made sure all of his "important parts" got squeaky clean. 

- I explain why of my six daughters, the revelation that daughter #5, Jessica, was a girl stands out most vividly in my mind.

From the Stage to Bathtub to a Basinette...it's all here in Podcast #136!  (26:44)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick  

Remembering The Unforgettable...

Today marks the 13th Anniversary of the horrific terrorist attacks on 9/11/2001...the date, to borrow the words spoken by Franklin Delano Roosevelt on another tragic day in American history, "which will live in infamy".  

The events of 9/11...and the weeks and months that followed...are as unfathomable today as they were then. As they say, "I just can't wrap my brain around it". 

The Twin Towers. 

The Pentagon. 

The charred wreckage in a field in Shanksville. 

The evil of it all...the senseless deaths. And there were so very many.

But we must also remember how we rallied, as Americans always do. From the bravery of the First Responders to average citizens who put aside fears for their personal safety to help those in need.

And Americans across the country, even those who lived far from the decimated towers, the Pentagon as it burned, the scarred patch of land in Pennsylvania...did whatever they could.

Blood was donated. Flags were flown. Prayers were sent. We hugged our children, our families, our friends just a little tighter. 

And eventually we picked up the pieces and went back to living our lives. But they were not the lives we had lived on September 10th, 2001, the day before the attacks. 

We were changed, forever. We simply couldn't "un-see" the events of that day.

As was said by someone a lot smarter than me many years ago, "Those who do not study the past are doomed to repeat it". 

Unfortunately, today, we stand once again at a perilous moment in history. There are enemies who would destroy us - and make their intentions clearly known. We as a people - and those in our government - must look back, study, and learn from the past. We must be vigilant. We must be aware. We must do everything in our power to ensure that there is never another date like "9/11" seared into our collective hearts and minds. 

God Bless America!

-Dick

The New "Apple Watch"...Time Will Tell

Apple unveiled it's highly anticipated "Apple Watch" yesterday which can monitor how much exercise you're getting. It also lets you text and send emails from your wrist. 

- So now you'll need two hands to text while driving. Good move Apple! 

- How long before we hear about the first case of iCarpelTunnelSyndrome? 

*****

The iPhone 6 was also introduced. It comes in two sizes, both with a much larger screen and an improved camera that takes better pics & video and has slo-motion and time-lapse features.

- Bottom line: The next naked pics we see of Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton are gonna be waaaaaaay better than the last ones!  

*****

The Tigers are tied for 1st Place with Kansas City after taking down the Royals last night 4-2. With a win tonight, weather permitting, the Tigers will be alone atop the division with 17 games left to go!

Game time: 7:08pm.  GO TIGS! 

*****

Meteorologists say big storms are likely to bring heavy rains, damaging winds and possibly extensive power outages all across the Metro Detroit area this afternoon and evening. 

- The only people who don't know about the impending weather are the ones who still don't have electricity from last week's storms. 

*****

Tonight President Obama will deliverer a Prime Time speech detailing his plan to "degrade and destroy" ISIS.  

- "Degrade & Destroy" is just like "Shock & Awe"...except for the "Shock" part since we're telling them ahead of time. 

*****

Panera Bread announced that all of their stores will become gun-free zones - but that instead of having employees enforce the policy, they'll count on customer cooperation. 

- So much for their "Soup, Sandwich & 32 Caliber Lunch Combo". 

*****

Have a great day...and Happy, Happy Birthday to my beautiful daughter Julie (#6) - wife of Brad and mother of my 2-and-a-half year old grandson Brayden! See you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

"The Lions King" Of Monday Night Football!

Matthew Stafford and the Lions trounced the New York Giants 35-14 in front of a National Audience last night in their first game under new coach Jim Caldwell. As they say in Showbiz... "This Could Be The Start Of Something Big!" - or not. Let's hope!

And to make it a perfect night downtown, the Tigers beat the K.C. Royals 9-5. If the Tigs win today, they'll be just one game behind Kansas City for 1st place. 

Go Lions! Go Tigers! Go Detroit! 

*****

Channel 7 Meteorologist Dave Rexroth was back on the air yesterday after the 4th of July fireworks accident that took his left eye. Congratulations Dave! It's great to have you back! Now if you could just do something about these storms...

*****

Apple will unveil it's "next big things" later today.  The show-stopper will allegedly be the new iPhone 6 with a much larger screen. Soon to follow will be a software update that will allow you to start your coffee maker from your phone. 

- It's called the iCaf... or in my case, the iDecaf.

- To think Juan Valdez spends all that time on a donkey harvesting the beans, and Americans are too lazy to get off the couch and push a button. 

*****

The Olive Garden announced their new "7-Week Unlimited Pasta Pass" for $100. People who buy the pass online can eat all the pasta and breadsticks they want, as many times as they'd like. 

- The company will be changing their slogan from "When You're Here...You're Family" to "When You're Here...You're Fat". 

*****

Iranian officials say the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei recently had a routine prostate procedure. 

- The bad news is Doctors say they expect a full recovery. 

*****

Fran Drescher, of "The Nanny" fame revealed that she married Shiva Ayyaduari, the inventor e-mail. 

- Lois Lerner was invited to the nuptials but said she lost the email invite. 

- Shiva actually invented the email as a way to communicate with Fran without having to hear her speak. 

*****

According to a study by the National Center for Education Statistics, the number of homeschooled students has spiked by 25%. 

- It's not that the kids like being taught by their parents, they just want to be able to eat Hot Dogs and Doritos for lunch. 

- On the downside, it's a lot harder to make your Mom believe the dog ate your homework if you don't have a dog. 

- On the bright side, homeschooled girls are a shoe-in for Homecoming Queen. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Big 10 Falls...Tigers Hopefully Rise!

A bad weekend for Michigan and Michigan State in College Football...as well as the entire Big 10 Conference. 

The Tigers begin a 3-game series against the K.C. Royals downtown tonight, trailing the 1st place Royals by 2 games. 

*****

Joan Rivers received a star-studded, red carpet funeral on Sunday...including a eulogy by Howard Stern and musical performances by broadway stars Audra MacDonald and Hugh Jackman. 

- Those who attended the viewing said, "She looks so Un-lifelike...just like in real life." (Sorry...but she did have a lot of plastic surgery). 

- Out of respect, no one critiqued the outfit she was buried in. 

*****

President Obama will make a speech on Wednesday to reveal America's plans for attacking ISIS. 

- He was going to announce his plans tonight, but he hasn't come up with anything yet. 

- Holding off until Wednesday will give ISIS plenty of time to put on their "JV Jihad" Jerseys and set their DVR's so they can watch our game plan over and over. 

*****

An IRS spokesman said the agency has lost emails from five more workers who are under investigation. 

- How come the IRS can find paperwork that they say shows you owe an extra grand in taxes, but they find can't find a few of their own emails? 

- All we have to do is tell Kate Upton's photo hackers that the emails contain nude pix of Lois Lerner and we'll have them in no time. 

*****

After weeks of speculation it's official: Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their second royal bundle of joy. The new baby will be fourth in line to the throne, bumping Prince Harry down to #5. 

- Just like the last time, Kate is suffering from severe morning sickness and Harry is suffering from a severe hangover. 

*****

On Saturday, the city of Toronto held a "Bill Murray Day" complete with wacky outfits and a pub crawl. 

- By the end of the pub crawl, 95% of the participants mimicked Bill's line from Caddyshack and "had achieved total Un-consiousness...So they've got that going for 'em. Which is nice." 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick  

Purtan Podcast #135: "A Towel, A Bar Of Soap, & A Sheep"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #135! Back by popular demand - for the second week in a row - former "Purtan's Person" Tom DeLisle joins us at the Purtan dining room table for some More-Than-A-Brush-With-Celebrity stories including:

- Tom "comes clean" about the time he stole JFK's monogramed bath towel while staying in the bedroom next to Rose Kennedy at the family's Hyannisport Compound. 

- My unexpected dinner with Henry Fonda.

- The brilliance of Gene Wilder and the hysterical scene in a Woody Allen film involving Gene, a bed, a sheep and a bottle of Woolite. 

- How in real life, the great Mr. Wilder used to go out into a field, lay down and do absolutely nothing for hours at a time. 

- And what was my Doctor thinking when he told me to put a bar of Ivory soap in my bed every night for two months?

So don't be "Sheepish"...join us for Podcast #135!  (33:56)

Have a great weekend and I'll see back here Monday with my regular blog!  

-Dick

Kwame Just Gets More & More Appealing!

He's back! Yesterday Kwame Kilpatrick asked a federal appeals court to vacate his conviction and order a new trial...saying some of the testimony that landed him in the Slammer for 28 years was "unfair". 

- You know...the testimony that got him convicted. 

- Kwame's attorney said the former mayor is excited about the appeal...and his upcoming role in the Prison's Fall Musical:  "Guys & Guys-Dressed-Up-As-Dolls". 

*****

Home Depot says the financial data of their customers may have been hacked and put up for sale online. 

- This is the most notorious Do-It-Yourselfer story since Pee Wee Herman was arrested in a movie theater. 

*****

DWTS announced it's "Celeb" line-up for Season 19 this morning and it includes none other than Tommy Chong of "Cheech and Chong" fame. 

- Apparently they were looking for someone who would bring in really "high" ratings. 

- Producers are trying to capture that all important "Potheads who love ballroom dancing" audience. 

*****

The Russian Space Agency reported that the five geckos they sent into orbit for a sex experiment have all died. 

- Studying Weightless Gecko Sex? I guess we know how Vladimir Putin likes to unwind after a day of attempted world domination.

*****

A Russian man dressed as Mickey Mouse was caught on camera beating up a motorist in a road rage attack. 

- He must have been really cheesed off. 

- Luckily he wasn't wearing a Donald Duck suit or he would have been arrested for indecent exposure. 

*****

Justin Verlander was rocked by the Cleveland Indians last night giving up 7 runs. 

- Gee...ya think his mind was on something else? 

- On the bright side, he still got to go home with Kate Upton. 

******

CVS pulled tobacco from all 7,700 of its stores in an effort to promote healthier choices for their customers. 

- To ease shoppers into the health conscious move, they're now selling two kinds of Fritos: Regular and Menthol. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast - #135!

-Dick 

Forget The Fridge...Put Your Kids Artwork On Your Wedding Dress!

Angelina Jolie's wedding dress from her surprise wedding to Brad Pitt was a tad unusual. The mother of six had artwork made by her kids sewn onto the train and veil of her $20,000-plus designer gown. 

- What screams "Bride" more than a magic marker rendition of Mickey Mouse's ears covering your butt? 

*****

Kate Upton, who's semi-naked selfies with boyfriend Justin Verlander were leaked on the Internet, is considering suing Apple - since many believe their "iCloud" storage system was the source of the hacking.

- Have we come a long way from getting drunk and Xeroxing your butt at the office holiday party or what? 

*****

A study by the National Consumers League found that cell phone companies have begun marketing to children as young as five. 

- Soon kindergarteners everywhere will be watching "SpongeBob SquarePants" on TV...and looking at pix of "SpongeBob NoPants" on their smartphones. 

*****

Officials in Colorado say the legalization of marijuana sales brought in $21 Million tax dollars LESS than the $33 Million they'd predicted. 

- Of course the numbers could be off since the guys who counted the cash were high as a kite at the time. 

- Apparently people are buying tax-free pot on the streets...just like they did before it was legalized. 

- Accountants know exactly which dollars came from pot sales...it's the bills covered with orange Cheeto's dust. 

*****

A Spanish teenager was electrocuted after peeing on a lamppost at an outdoor music festival. 

- Kinda makes ya miss the good old days at Pine Knob when the worst that could happen was when somebody sitting next to you on The Hill threw up on your shoes.

- On the bright side, if it had been a Rap concert, he would have been electrocuted AND shot. 

*****

A Louisiana newscaster was shot dead by his son-in-law, who was also believed to be his lover.

- The shooting is sad...but you've gotta admit it's gonna make Thanksgiving dinner a lot less awkward. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Baseball, Hot Dogs, Apple Pie & Selfies!

Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander and his girlfriend Kate Upton have been caught up, along with Jennifer Lawrence, in the "Nude Celebrity Photo Hacking Scandal" that has rocked the country.  Several "selfies" of the couple, in various states of undress have made their way onto the internet.

- After seeing the photos, every pitcher in the Major Leagues wants to be Justin's reliever. 

*****

It's "Back to School Day" 2014!

- Or as kids call it: "The worst day of my life". 

- Or as their parents call it: "The best day of my life". 

- Or as teachers call it: "Why didn't I become a Doctor instead of a Teacher? Day" 

*****

Joe Biden kicked off the Detroit Labor Day Parade yesterday. 

- Who better to speak about hard work than somebody whose job description reads: "Put on a suit and do nothing". 

*****

On this day, September 2nd, in 1945, Japan formally surrendered to the U.S. and ended World War II. 

- And we all live happily ever after. No wait...

- If you've ever been served bad sushi, you know they're not completely over it. 

*****

A new study claims that being skinny improves brain function. 

- Which explains why so many supermodels have received Nobel Peace Prizes over the years. 

*****

A new al Qaeda manual is calling for a preemptive jihad against the United States.

- Luckily, like most guys, terrorists never read the manual.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! And don't forget to check out my latest Podcast (#134) with special guest, former "Purtan's Person" Tom Delisle! Just click here to download.  

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #134: "Tom (Delisle) & Thumbs"

Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to Labor Day Weekend, the last gasp of summer vacation, and Podcast #134. Today, Jackie and I welcome special guest and former "Purtan's Person" Tom Delisle to the dining room table. Topics include: 

- Who was the largest selling musical act in the world that filled the gap after Elvis and before the Beatles? 

- Tom's job as emcee of that group's "Fan Fantasy Camp" every year. 

- How Tom wrote the pilot for the short-lived "Tony Orlando Variety Show" - but couldn't stand talking to Tony and why. 

- The Emmy I won...and what I won if for.

- How one year later, the "Dick Purtan Comedy Hour" won an Emmy and how the committee came up one Statuette short because of something I did.  

- My dread as we began shooting my TV Special because I thought it would be the end of my career in Television...and Radio!

- How a fistfight led me to take over the morning show a few weeks earlier than I was supposed to. 

- Jackie's new plan to ditch her reading glasses by wearing one contact lens.  

- And the "Purtan Family Secret" about a certain body part that explains why Jackie has been in "thumb therapy" for years... and which of my other daughters has two completely different thumbs - one from each side of the family. 

So have a great Holiday Weekend and give Podcast #134 a listen...Hopefully you'll give it "Two Thumbs Up"!   (45:33) 

-Dick

PS...See you back here Tuesday!

"Mr. & Mrs. Smith" Now Officially "Mr. & Mrs."

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie finally tied the knot at their French Chateau on Saturday. They've been together since 2005.

- They've already received tons of wedding gifts including China, Silverware, and 147 children. 

*****

In other Nuptial News...68-year-old Neil Young is divorcing his wife of 36 years. 

- Apparently he's not so into Judy's Blue Eyes now that they've got cataracts. 

- There's also rumors of a reunion tour of "Crosby, Stills, Nash & Not-So-Young". 

*****

Time Magazine is publishing a new book called "The Animal Mind" that claims parrots are much smarter than we thought. 

- Of course they got the info from a Parrot, so take it for what's it worth. 

- Turns out Polly not only wants a cracker, but wants some duck liver pate and a nice Merlot to go along with it. 

*****

According to a Pew Research Survey one-third of Mexicans would move to the U.S. if given the chance. 

- Personally I thought they already had. 

*****

A study by UCLA found that smartphones are eroding students' social skills. 

- For instance, kids these days don't know how to ask a girl nicely if they can take naked photos of her to show their friends, they just take them while she's not looking. 

*****

An 83-year-old federal judge had to watch the porn classic, Deep Throat, for a copyright trial. 

- He said, "Hard core pornography is hard to define...but I'll know it when I see it. And I got to see it!!!"

- When the judge's wife objected to him watching the film, he said two words: "Over Ruled!"

*****

Sources say that Bravo host Andy Cohen was spotted at a "gentleman's underwear party" in New York. That's a party strictly for guys who show up wearing nothing but...yup...their underwear. 

- Apparently, Andy is quite the Thong & Dance man. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast!  (#134)

-Dick

50 Years Ago Today..."A Great Day's Night!"

50 years ago today, I, along with four of my fellow WSAI jocks, brought the Beatles to Cincinnati. We each kicked in $2500 -- and we had the Beatles! That's all it took. If you're wondering who the guy is standing behind John Lennon...that's a somewhat pudgy me sans glasses and mustache. Our profit that night? $2200 a piece. The music was great...especially the 13,500 plus screaming teenage "back up singers"!

*****

A just divorced Florida couple posted a "Divorce Selfie" of themselves on Facebook, holding up their divorce decree and beaming with happiness. They claim they want the world to know they plan on remaining good friends. 

- This explains the existence of the "It's Complicated" relationship status button that people can click on Facebook. 

- They're registered at "We No Longer Share A Bed, Bath & Beyond". 

*****

A Pew poll found that friends who talk about politics on Facebook are less likely to talk about them in person. 

- That's because they've never actually MET any of their Facebook friends in person. 

*****

Doctors say that most people find marijuana to be a better pain killer than pills like Vicodin and Oxycontin. 

- It's especially effective on Joint pain. 

- So kids, don't be stingy! Share your stash with Grandma! 

*****

Police have confirmed that the six gun shots that wounded rapper Suge Knight at a pre-MTV Music Awards party were actually meant for Chris Brown. 

- Chris is going to turn the incident into a "Hit" song. 

- Who knew the gangster thugs who did the shooting would actually live long enough to have vision problems? 

*****

A study by Georgia Southern University found that most parents who have obese children don't think their kids are overweight. 

- In their defense, it's hard to get a good look at your kid when he's sitting in the backseat eating a Double Cheeseburger and a Butterfinger Blizzard from Dairy Queen. 

- The study has led to a remake of the classic song, "She Ain't Heavy...She's My Daughter". 

*****

Leonardo DiCaprio donated $100,000 when he took the "Ice Bucket Challenge" for ALS.  

- Let's hope it works out better than the "IceBerg Challenge" did for the Titanic. 

*****

An 8-foot 4-inch man from Ukraine, believed to be the World's Tallest Man, has died at the age of 44. 

- Funeral arrangements are on hold as his family is still waiting for the "Costco Casket-Extender" to be delivered. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Obamacare Now Pays For "Change You Can Believe In"...

Obamacare announced they now cover transgender sexual reassignment surgery for men who want to become women and vice versa.  

- But President Obama was quick to point out "If you like the Penis you were born with...you can keep the Penis you were born with". 

- Let me get this straight...Boob jobs are now covered for men, but not for women?

*****

Last night's Emmy Awards went off without a hitch...or a gunshot...which is saying a lot for an Awards show these days!

- The big winner was "Breaking Bad," which of course chronicles the career of Justin Bieber. 

*****

Burger King has confirmed that's it's buying Canadian based donut and coffee giant Tim Horton's. 

- Their new slogan will be "Special Orders Don't Upset Us...All We Ask Is That You Let Us Serve It Your Way, Eh?"

- McDonald's had considered buying Tim Horton's as well, but thought selling "McNuggets" and "Timbits" at the same place sounded too racy. 

*****

Scientists at Binghamton University say the average IQ score is decreasing because we've hit our intellectual peak. 

- The say the decline coincided with the airing of the first episode of "Honey Boo Boo". 

*****

Starbucks will begin testing mobile coffee stores on college campuses this fall. 

- They'll accept Visa, Mastercard and Job Applications from seniors who are still looking for a job they're qualified for. 

- But where are they gonna sit and wait to get hit-on while pretending to study on their laptops? 

*****

Tiger Woods has parted ways with his swing coach of the past four years. 

- Apparently Tiger is going to give up on his swing and go back to working overtime with his putter. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Obama & Putin Give Each Other Lip Service???

Today is "National Kiss & Make-Up Day". 

- Let's hope Vladimir Putin wears a shirt, or things between he and Obama could get out of hand. 

*****

California's wine country was rocked by a massive 6.1 Earthquake early Sunday morning. 

- The wine will now be used in Martini's since it's already been "Shaken...not stirred". 

*****

A Florida mom was arrested for giving her daughter Tapeworms so she'd lose weight for a beauty pageant. 

- Apparently that new Jenny Craig "Tapeworm Tortellini" is more popular than I thought. 

*****

A Homeland Security spokesman says Al Qaeda is encouraging jihadists to target Las Vegas. 

- This will give jihadists a chance to hone their romantic "techniques" on hookers so they'll really know how to make those 72 virgins happy. 

- Our government is hoping that David Copperfield can make them disappear before they do any damage. 

*****

A Swedish study say people have a higher probability of dying on payday. 

- Especially if they're held up at gunpoint after leaving the bank. 

***** 

Lindsay Lohan is said to be dating a London investment banker. 

- Apparently he's a whiz with Stocks & (sometimes) Blonds. 

- The couple is said to be "over the moon"...either that or Lindsay mooned the paparazzi, I'm not sure. 

*****

Lauren Bacall left $10,000 in her Will for her dog. 

- The dog was so happy he dragged his but across the carpet and then ran around in circles for an hour and a half. 

*****

A cast member on Playboy's "Dating Naked" is suing producers because they failed to blur out her private parts during a recent episode. 

- Right now, thousands of men are calling Netflix to order that episode. 

*****

President Obama is sending three White House officials to the Missouri funeral of Michael Brown. 

- They will be non-essential government personnel including a Congressman, a Senator, and Joe Biden. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #133: "Tootsie Rolls, World Wars, & Mr. Potato Head"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #133! This time around, I sit down with my daughter and partner in Podcasting crime, Jackie, for a verbal buffet of topics. Among today's specials: 

- The passing of restauranteur John Genitti of "Genitti's Hole-in-the-Wall" in Northville, who was not only a great guy, but threw a party "for everyone" at his house each Friday night. 

- Jackie running into Chuck Gaidica who just left TV Meteorology for the Ministry and how his career change affected her. 

- Are Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head actually cannibals?

- The 100th anniversary of WWI and how it led to WWII.

- The frightening seriousness of the ISIS situation in the middle east. 

- A "Best Of" cut from my radio show: Big Al as the Port-a-Potty maitre d at the Woodward Dream Cruise. 

- How I scored two foot-long Tootsie Rolls for just one dollar. 

- And how large formal weddings lead to happier marriages... with one notable family exception. 

So as August winds down, gear up  for an almost-end-of-the-summer-around-the-world-and-back-discussion-of-just-about-everything in Podcast #133.  (32:55)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick 

Big Wedding? Big Whoop!

A study by the University of Virginia found that having a large, formal wedding leads to a happier marriage. 

- Try telling that to Jackie Purtan!!!

*****

President Obama vowed to be "relentless" against ISIS jihadists. 

- He then had lunch in the grill and bought a new set of clubs. 

*****

Elizabeth Arden stock plummeted 28% due to a drop in sales for Justin Bieber's cologne. 

- So Elizabeth dropped the Bieber fragrance and will soon launch the "Scent of Charlie Sheen". (It's preferred by 2 out of 2 Hookers). 

*****

McDonald's announced plans to sell it's ground coffee for customers to brew at home. 

- So now you'll be able to stay at home and ask yourself if you want fries with that. 

*****

A survey shows that residents of Tokyo, Japan get less sleep that any other city in the world.  

- The survey was conducted by calling people during the middle of the night. 

- The results are being disputed by the residents of Ferguson, Missouri. 

*****

The Reverend Al Sharpton has announced a protest march against the New York City Police.

- Wow. When does this guy have time to agitate crowds in all those other cities???  

- Seems like only yesterday he was upsetting things in Missouri...because he was! 

*****

Iceland's Bardarbunda Volcano could disrupt air travel between North America and Europe if it erupts. 

- I thought "Bardarbunga" was Bart Simpson's catchphrase.  (who borrowed it from Howdy Doody). 

*****

Pope Francis announced plans to visit New York City. 

- He can't wait to get a hot dog from a street vendor while driving by in his Pope Mobile. 

- He'd better not set his hat on the ground or people might mistake it for another sky scraper. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast! (#133).

-Dick