Hung Over The Moon With New Wife!

Former American Idol contestant William Hung got married in June, but kept it a secret until now. 

- He's good at keeping secrets...for instance he's kept his singing talent hidden to this very day. 

- Insert your own "She Bangs" joke here. 

*****

General Motors announced that the new Corvette will have a camera that records every move a driver makes. 

- So now guys can have their whole mid-life crisis on video. 

*****

A restaurant in China is using robots to cook food. 

- If this catches on over there, it could put millions of children out of a job. 

*****

Sweden is celebrating 200 years without being in any Wars. 

- They're also celebrating 200 years of exporting hot blonds and Swedish fish. 

*****

Taylor Swift announced that she'll be releasing a pop-album later this year called "1989". 

- It's either named after the year she was born or the number of boyfriends she's had. 

*****

The NFL is asking artists who perform at the Super Bowl to split their record sale revenue with the league. 

- This seems unfair...personally I think some of the acts should pay US for having to watch their half-time show. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-AFFLECK!

Ben Affleck, who's in town filming the new Batman movie, crashed a kid's Birthday party in Southfield. 

- He didn't mean to crash it, but apparently he forgot to take the Batmobile in when GM recalled it for brake issues. 

*****

Pope Francis said that God will give him "another 2 or 3 good years". 

- That kind of "inside info" can only come from one person...Edward Snowden. 

*****

Burger King is bringing back it's "Chicken French Fries" staring next week. 

- If you don't know what a Chicken French Fry is, just picture a McNugget's really tall and skinny brother. 

- They're designed for people who just don't have the energy to pick up a regular fried chicken sandwich. 

*****

Kid Rock announced that he's going to be a Grandpa. 

- So coming soon...Grand Kid Rock!

*****

Music insiders say Paul McCartney is recording a secret album with Kanye West. 

- I hope they keep it so secret that it's never released. 

- The first single is said to be a remake entitled: "Kim's Long and Widening Butt". 

- Thing's have come full circle for Paul: John Lennon said the Beatles were more popular than Jesus and Kayne thinks he IS Jesus. 

*****

On this date in 1698 Russian czar "Peter the Great" took the throne. 

- Apparently his wife wasn't impressed...she referred to him as "Peter the Average". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

The 20th Annual WDC Cruises Into The History Books...

Well the 20th Annual Woodward Dream Cruise has come and gone...and of them, I participated in 14. We'd do the show on the radio in the morning from a tower on Woodward, then at night I joined my daughter JoAnne on Channel 7 for the television broadcast. 

I'll never forget Emceeing a wedding (if you can emcee a weeding) on one of the telecasts with Doc and Big Al serving as the groomsmen for the happy couple. After the ceremony, a fight broke out backstage among the two families. 

Aside from throwing my shoulder out from too much waving one year, (I now wave like the Queen) and inhaling more carbon monoxide from the old classic cars than I needed, it was always a good time! 

*****

New reports say that Hillary Clinton did NOT "hug it out" with Barack Obama in Martha's Vineyard as was first reported.

- Those same reports confirm that Bill did indeed try to "kiss it out" with half of the catering staff. 

*****

The CEO of the Girl Scouts is under fire for taking an $83,000 bonus despite massive budget cuts. 

- Hey...That's how the cookie crumbles. 

- She's planning on using the cash to take a trip to Samoa. 

*****

Researchers at Virginia Tech University found that various plant species communicate by releasing chemical signals into the air. 

- So do the members of most College fraternities. 

*****

Two competitors in the World Chess Olympiad in Norway died within hours of each other - one during the middle of a match. 

- Instead of ending the match, officials just sent it into "Sudden Death Overtime". 

- Fans in attendance described it as God's way of saying "Check Mate". 

- This is why I stick to BINGO. This kind of stuff never happens during the World Bingo Olympiads. 

*****

Kenya is refusing to let in any vacationers traveling from Ebola-hit nations. 

- And so goes my annual "Labor Day Weekend In Kenya".

- This is going to have a dramatic effect on Kenya's usually booming "Tar-Paper-Huts-Tours" industry. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #132: Are Men Too Dumb To Date Smart Women?

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and a brand new Podcast - #132. Today I'm joined by daughters #1 & #2 (Jennifer and Jackie) for another go-around at the Purtan dining room table. On today's menu: 

- Are men actually "intimidated" when they date "smart" women...and do women have to dumb themselves down for things to go anywhere? 

- My College Alma Mater being named the #1 Party School in America...and my non-drinking days while I was there. 

- Bill Clinton's statement on September 10th, 2001 - saying that he could have killed Osama Bin Laden TEN times...but decided not to. 

- Law & Order: SVU's Mariska Hargitay: Strange name. Fabulous Actress. 

- How the 1.2 Billion usernames, passwords, and email addresses stolen by the Russians led to an unusual "Friend Request" I got on Facebook. 

- And the mystery of the horse that Maid Marion rode in the famous Errol Flynn movie "Robin Hood". 

So pour yourself something cold, put it in the microwave on high since it feels like October out - and take sip of Podcast #132!   (35:58) 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here on Monday with my usual blog! 

-Dick 

Koko Goes Loco After Death Of Favorite Comedian...

Koko, the gorilla famous for her ability to communicate with sign language, told trainers that she is "crying" over Robin Williams death. 

- She then peeled a banana in his honor. 

*****

Hillary called the President to apologize for publicly criticizing his foreign policy.  

- Meanwhile Bill called the President to ask him for one of his intern's phone numbers. 

*****

The founder of "Spanx" ladies undergarments sold her NYC apartment for $30 Million. 

- The apartment is actually a lot bigger than it looks. 

- She wanted to unload it before the real estate bubble burst...just like the women do when they take off their Spanx. 

*****

Former NY Congressman Anthony Weiner is opening a restaurant. 

- I thought in New York City they sold hot dogs out of carts?

- It's a German-themed restaurant called "Weiner's Schnitzel".

*****

A 25 year old California woman filed paperwork so she can marry Charles Manson. 

- I hope she remembers that "When you marry the guy...you marry his Family". 

- They just got engaged so the wedding plans are a bit Helter-Skelter right now.  

*****

A study by the National Academy of Sciences found that surprises play a major role in a person's happiness. 

- Except in people over 90 where surprises play a major role in cardiac arrest. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast (#132)!

-Dick 

RIP...Lauren Bacall 1924-2014

Legendary smokey-voiced actress Lauren Bacall died Monday. She was famously married to Humphrey Bogart after they met on the set of the movie "To Have and Have Not", and later, after Bogart's death to Jason Robards Jr. During her marriage to Bogart she served as "Den Mother" to the original Hollywood Rat Pack which included Bogart, Frank Sinatra, David Niven, Judy Garland & others. 

Another one of her big hits was when she co-starred with Marilyn Monroe and Betty Grable in "How To Marry A Millionaire". In another "Detroit Connection"...Gail and I had dinner with Betty's Daughter Victoria who lives here in Metro Detroit a few months ago.) 

Bacall was 89. 

******

An Indiana University study found that Mississippi is the most corrupt state in the country. 

- Washington D.C. was the hands down winner until researchers realized it wasn't a state. 

*****

Miley Cyrus adopted a baby piglet called "Bubba Sue". 

- When it dies she's going to have it made into the world's first "Twerky Jerky". 

******

Rory McIlroy told ESPN that breaking up with Caroline Wozniak is the main reason he's won three straight PGA tournaments and that being single has left him more time to focus on his game. 

- Yeah, but think about all those fabulous trips to Bed Bath & Beyond he's missing out on!

- It's the exact opposite of Tiger Woods who proved that having a wife and ten girlfriends can really bring your game down. 

*****

NBC is allegedly replacing David Gregory on Meet The Press because of low ratings. 

- He's already been picked up by ABC where he'll appear in next season's "Dancing With The Former News Stars". 

- Fans of Gregory are blaming the move on Jay Leno. 

*****

A 45 year old British woman has a rare condition in which she collapses to the ground whenever she has the big "O". 

- It's really not that bad unless it happens while she's standing in the middle of a busy intersection. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick 

RIP... Robin Williams 1951-2014

He grew up in Bloomfield Hills. He roomed with a family while attending Detroit Country Day School, and is now gone much too early at the age of 63. Robin Williams ended his life by asphyxiation in his home in Marin County, California Monday morning.  

The tragic end of the comic genius came after a long battle with both addiction and depression. 

His connection with Detroit is strong, in that he co-starred with Pam Dawber, who is from Farmington Hills, in the hit show "Mork & Mindy". Pam has been married for decades to Mark Harmon (of "NCIS") - son of famed Michigan football player Tom Harmon. 

Robin's humor was both brilliant and astoundingly quick off-the-cuff - in the style of his hero and mentor Jonathan Winters who died last year at the age of 87. 

Williams worked in almost every medium imaginable...stand-up, television, stage, and the movies earning him an Emmy, a Grammy and an Oscar. 

He will be greatly missed!  Below you'll find a clip of his first appearance on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. It runs just under 2 minutes and is more than worth watching. 

 "You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."

- Robin Williams

Purtan Podcast #131: "3 Purtan's, "Packed" & Ready To Go!"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #131! Today I'm joined by not one but two of my daughters, my Podcasting partner Jackie (daughter #2) and special guest Jennifer (daughter #1). And when it comes to topics, we travel from one to another, all over the map! Here's a sample: 

- The rising sense of panic over the coming winter because of such a cool summer. (After last years devastating winter!)  

- I tell the story of an American woman on a trip to China who went back to her hotel room and found a man from the Chinese government going through the computer in her room. 

- Why the secret service doesn't like to cover Joe Biden. 

- The reason that Jennifer and Jackie had "unusual" births. 

- My experience with "Shingles" (not the roofing kind!)

- A Purtan family story involving a piece of medical equipment and Sheena Easton's song "Morning Train". 

- Some stories about my Dad and his love of singing and dancing. 

- The (in my opinion) great movie "Baby Boom" and the strange way that Comcast rates the movies they show on cable. 

- The one Movie that Jackie will NOT watch and what the "flying monkeys" are really chanting in that film. 

- Plus the time in everyone's life when they "peak"...and which one of the three of us doesn't feel we've hit that point yet. 

So set your GPS for "anywhere and everywhere" and join us for a verbal "road trip" in Podcast #131.  (37:17)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick 

Columbus Sails Ocean Blue: Arrives Late

On this day, August 7, 1498, Christopher Columbus arrived in the Caribbean on his third voyage.  

- He was supposed to arrive on August 1st, but it turns out the Nina, Pinta & Santa Maria were owned by Carnival Cruises and were adrift for a week with broken sails. 

*****

Edward Snowden came out of hiding in Russia and was spotted at a performance at the famed Russian Bolshoi Ballet. 

- He couldn't help himself...it was a production of "Swan Leak". 

*****

Bill and Hillary have rented a vacation home in the Hamptons. The cost? $100,000 for three weeks. 

- They'll pay the bill by having Bill give a 10 second speech to the cleaning staff. 

- Insiders say the place has all the bells and whistles...from "His" & "Her" towels to "His" & "Her" bedrooms. 

*****

The NRA is taking heat for saying that blind people should be allowed to carry guns. 

- Even Stevie Wonder said he didn't see that one coming.  

*****

Kim Karsashian has gone on a Twitter rant complaining about how big her butt has gotten. 

- Apparently Kim has been living in a home full of fun house mirrors all her life. 

- Kanye must have told her the truth when she asked "Do these pants make my butt look big?" 

- Could this be another Kim Kardashian publicity stunt??? Ya think???

*****

A South Carolina woman called 911 after returning home to find that her 15-year-old son had been watching porn on the living room TV. Cops said the boy was in his bedroom when they arrived and they "had no idea what he was doing in there". 

- Really???

*****

A Russian Cyber gang has stolen 1.2 billion user names, passwords and email addresses - many of them from American companies.  

- Great. Now the Russian have the personal info of every American who's received an email from GM saying their car is being recalled. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast!  (#131)

-Dick 

Both Hazel & Oak Park Go To Pot!

The results of yesterday's Primary Election are in...and among the most interesting outcomes, Robert Ficano lost his re-election bid for Wayne County Executive, and both Hazel Park & Oak Park voted to legalize small amounts of marijuana for personal use.  

- So the expression "What do I have to do to get arrested with this joint?" will no longer be spoken there. 

*****

The production of Porn movies in LA has plummeted 90% because laws forcing the "actors" to wear condoms is pushing filming outside the city limits. 

- Porn stars are sort of like cops...they want to "Serve", they just don't want to "Protect". 

- As a humanitarian gesture, Charlie Sheen is building them a studio in San Francisco. 

*****

Bruce Jenner's new hairstyle is causing quite a stir on the internet. He was recently photographed with shoulder length locks with a reddish tint.  

- Bruce says the new style will allow him to go with a sleek up-do at Kim's next wedding. 

- Insiders say his ultimate dream is to become "Mrs. Chaz Bono". 

*****

NBC may face stiff fines from the FCC after airing Miley Cyrus's "Bangerz" concert. Viewers complained about the stripper-like costumes and Miley pressing up against a guy dressed like Abraham Lincoln.  

- Asked to comment, Bill Clinton said "The President did not have sex with that woman...Miss Cyrus". 

*****

A study from Current Biology found that horses talk with their ears. 

- Baloney. Everyone who's ever seen "Mr. Ed" knows that horses talk out of their Mouths just like the rest of us.

*****

An Oxford University study found that children who play computer games for an hour a day are more likely to be better behaved...

- ...That's during the hour their playing. Then, when their parents take the controller away, they turn into a combination of Mike Tyson and Rosie O'Donnell on steroids. 

*****

Convicted boyfriend-killer Jodi Arias will serve as her own lawyer in the Death Penalty phase of her trial. 

- She has no experience as an attorney but says she's "willing to take a stab at it". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Secret Service: "Agents Can Bare-ly Stand To Guard Biden!"

A new book about the Secret Service claims that no one wants to guard Joe Biden because he likes to go skinny dipping. 

- I guess this isn't what people meant when they said they wanted more "transparency" in Government. 

- On the bright side, thanks to "shrinkage" there's less of him to protect. 

*****

Duke University found that modern society flourished once our ancestor's testosterone levels were reduced. 

- Meanwhile Estrogen levels plummet every time a woman happens to see Joe Biden skinny dipping. 

*****

Hurray! Hurray! It's Primary Day!  Robo Calls From Campaign Staffs Will Stop Today!  

*****

The Mayor of Toledo lifted citywide restrictions on drinking water yesterday. 

- So if you're planning your August vacation in Toledo this year...it's a go! 

*****

According to a new survey, 3 in 5 Americans have had sex in a car. 

- Most in GM cars since there's no chance of the airbags accidentally deploying. 

- The survey also found that 2 in 5 Americans were Conceived in a car. 

- This proves the slogan: "Love...It's What Makes a Subaru a Subaru". 

*****

An Illinois man faces charges for trying to kill his roommate because she ate three Chips Ahoy cookies for breakfast. 

- How much you wanna bet he goes with the "Twinkie Defense"?

*****

According to Forbes magazine, Sandra Bullock earned $51 million dollars last year, making her the highest paid actress in Hollywood. 

- Bullock knocked Angelina Jolie from the top spot down to #5...but Angelina is still #1 in the Highest Paid "Serial Kid Adopter" category. 

- The "Highest Actress" went to Lindsay Lohan. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

And Here's To 73 More!

Big news today... Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have been married for 73 days!!!!! Smashing her old record of 72 days with ex-husband Kris Humphries. 

- I mention this for all you nay-sayers out there. 

- Kim's mom is already planning their one year anniversary party...which will be held at the 6-month mark just in case. 

*****

A Gym for dogs opened outside of Washington, D.C. 

- They even have a manicurists on staff to do Pet-i-cures. 

- The weight room even provides spotters for Spot. 

*****

President Obama turns 53 today.  

- Lois Lerner sent him a Happy Birthday email...but it inexplicably disappeared. 

- Michele is throwing him a party this afternoon complete with a clown! Yup...Joe Biden is on the guest list. 

*****

The UK's National Health Service announced plans to fund sperm banks for lesbians. 

- Who knew lesbians couldn't use regular sperm banks? 

- Next up: A "Savings and Loan-Me-Your-Womb-Bank" for gay guys who want to have a baby.  

*****

Yahoo News ran a report that Kelly Ripa and co-host Michael Strahan may be having an affair. 

- How come these kind of rumors never surfaced when she was working with Regis? 

*****

Detroit isn't the city it once was, but according to Franco-American...we're #1! Their research shows that more Spaghetti-O's are consumed in Detroit than any where else in the country, and more than 50% of those are eaten by adults. 

- The adult number was much higher until Kwame got thrown out of town. 

- With our luck, the Spaghetti-O's will be recalled due to faulty meatballs. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out my latest Podcast (#130) with our special guest star, Jackie's 12-year-old son Charlie! Just click here to listen! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #130: "John, Paul, George, Ringo & Charlie?"

Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #130! This week I welcome not only my regular partner in Podcast Crime, daughter Jackie to my dining room table, but her 12 year old son Charlie as well! On the docket: 

- What REALLY killed the dinosaurs according to 12 year old Charlie. (If you thought it was just an asteroid...think again)

- Charlie offers up his theory that there comes a point in everyone's life when they think they become "awesome". 

- On the 50th anniversary of their first American tour, Jackie gives me a quiz on "The Beatles!" 

- I share my personal experience with The Fab Four...and explain how I was involved with bringing them to Cincinnati for one of their first American concerts! Plus, how I ended up spending time with them backstage and emceeing their show. 

- Speaking of music... I tell you about the time Dick Clark asked me to be one of a handful of  judges on his 3 hour ABC Network TV special to pick the Top Song of the 60's 70's and 80's, and the Best Song from all three decades combined. I'll tell you which song I picked and if the other judges agreed.  

- Plus we talk about a recent news item about which country has had the most penis enlargements...and I'll give you my theory about who had the first enlargement and how it led to WWII. 

So grab something cool to sip on (or maybe something hot - the weather changes faster than Taylor Swift changes boyfriends) and join us for Podcast #130.  (30:03)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick 

P.S. We're thrilled to welcome "Intelligent Catering" as a sponsor! They specialize in complete, healthy, and delicious chicken dinners! To have your next luncheon, party, or any event catered, give them a call at 248-444-8147!

Barney: "I Love You...You Love Me, We Got Killed 'Inconveniently'!"

Paleontologists at Edinburgh University said dinosaurs would have survived the asteroid that hit the earth 66 million years ago if it happened "at a more convenient time". 

- Like the day they were all over at Betty White's place celebrating her 50th Birthday. 

- Al Gore is already writing a book about how climate change caused the asteroid. It's called "An Inconvenient Time". 

*****

Congress announced a deal to reform the Department of Veterans' Affairs. 

- Their first move will be to hire some actual doctors to work at the VA hospitals.   

*****

A group of Senators wants the Feds to install anti-missile technology on US. passenger planes.  

- If they charge $5 bucks for a Snickers Bar, imagine what "Anti-Missile Technology" is gonna cost you. 

*****

Dollar Tree is buying Family Dollar Stores for $8.5 billion. 

- They'll pay for it with 8.5 million plastic party straws and some paper drink umbrellas made in China . 

*****

USA Today is reporting that the deadly Ebola Virus is just a plane ride away from the United States. 

- Between missiles and viruses, 72 hours on a Greyhound bus with a broken toilet is sounding like a pretty appealing way to travel. 

***** 

A study by the American Journal of Infection Control found that a fist bump spreads just one-twentieth as much bacteria as a handshake does. 

- Well you can fist bump Madonna six ways to Sunday, but if you spend the night with her you're still gonna catch something. 

*****

Regis Philbin will reunite with Kathy Lee Gifford on August 1st when he fills in for Hoda Kotb who's on vacation from their NBC show. 

- Regis only agreed after Kathy Lee signed a contract guaranteeing that she wouldn't utter two specific words: "Cody" and "Cassidy". 

- I can't wait til Regis looks at Kathy Lee and says "My God Kelly...you look like you've aged 30 years."

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Poll Shows "Putin's People" Popularity At 94%

A new Gallup poll shows that 94% of Russians approve of Vladimir Putin. 

- The other 6% were immediately executed, so the next poll should show him at a solid 100%. 

*****

Russia lost control of a satellite that was studying the effects of weightlessness on lizard mating. 

- Between invading countries and studying lizard sex, is it any wonder Putin doesn't have time to put on a shirt? 

*****

A Scottish bladder surgeon discovered an "adult" toy in a woman's lady parts that had been there for 10 years, which she claimed ended up there after a night of drunken sex with her ex. 

- She says her bladder feels better but is annoyed that now she has to keep the phone in her pocket on vibrate all the time. 

- She credits her doctor for finding the toy, and Energizer batteries for "the best ten years of my life". 

*****

Aretha Franklin says she was screamed at by a fast food restaurant employee and was so mad she walked out without her order. 

- Apparently Aretha won't stand for that kind of D-I-S-R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  

*****

Craig Ferguson said he wouldn't have accepted David Letterman's show if it had been offered to him. 

- Sure, that's easy to say when no one offers you the show. 

*****

Susan Sarandon has revealed that she had an affair with David Bowie in the 80's. 

- Not only was the romance great, but they were able to share each other's clothes and make-up. 

*****

Sarah Palin is starting her own internet TV Channel called "The Sarah Palin Show". It will be available for $9.95 a month or a hundred bucks a year. 

- She's already signed up a bunch of sponsors including "The Moose Jerky Emporium", "The Conservative Polar Bear Coalition" and "DSW...the Designer Snowshoe Warehouse".

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #129: "Dick Making A Triumphant Return???"

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Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #129! In my latest "Podisode" Jackie and I sit down at the Purtan dining room table and "chew" on a whole plateful of topics including: 

- Edward Snowden and Pavlov's Dog. (Does that ring a bell?) 

- Jimmy Kimmel's new baby daughter and her great old fashioned name. 

- How my name, "Dick", may be making a comeback. (Okay...I said may be)

- How the names of two of my Grandson's, Jack and Charlie may live forever and why. 

- A "Biz-Quiz"... The Heirs to which family are the wealthiest in the world?  

- The Clintons and the money they make for their speeches...including Chelsea!

- I do my world famous Bill Clinton impression. 

And...

- The new skinny pics app...that can have you dropping 50 pounds with the click of a button.

So pull up a chair, snack on something caloric (you can "delete" that spare tire later), and join us for Podcast #129!  (20:55)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here on Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick 

Dogs "Pet Peeved"...Cat's Couldn't Care Less

A new study shows that dogs act jealous when their owners show interest in stuffed animals electronically wired to bark and wag their tail.

- A companion study found that cats don't give a rats patoot who you play with...They just act bitchy all the time. 

*****

Vladimir Putin may be full of bravado...but he's a little nervous about the food he eats. The Russian President has a full-time food tester to make sure he doesn't get poisoned. 

- So I guess the US government's plan to send him a case of "Borscht With Sour Cream and E Coli" was a bust. 

- I knew Vlad had a lot of his plate these days...I just didn't know someone else sampled it first. 

*****

A woman in Indiana is facing charges for leaving the scene, after running down a man on a motorcycle, claiming that God told her to let go and that "He'd take it from here". 

- Looks like somebody is taking the song "Jesus Take The Wheel" a little too literally. 

*****

According to a poll on Five-Thirty-Eight.com, Darth Vader is more popular with voters than Hillary Clinton or Mike Huckabee. 

- Maybe if Hillary threw a long black cape over her pantsuit...

- Actually Bill Clinton is a lot like Darth Vader: He spent years telling unsuspecting kids, "(Insert Name Here...I am your Father". 

- Darth actuality tied in popularity with Anthony Weiner...but I think that's just because they both like showing off their light saber. 

*****

A New Zealand man with 41 Homer Simpson tattoos set a world record for most tattoos of a cartoon character. 

- Ironically the only other person to do something that stupid is Homer Simpson. 

- The guy says the tattoos make him a "chick magnet" ...especially really tall chicks with blue hair. 

*****

Time Magazine says NYC is the unhappiest city in the country. 

- Leading to the new slogan: "New York, New York it's a helluva town! Where the Bronx is up, and the People are Down!" 

- Apparently living in a shoe-box sized, roach-infested apartment that costs $4000 a month isn't as fabulous as we've been led to believe. 

*****

Simon Cowell issued a statement saying he's straight after a record executive testified in court that Cowell was gay. 

- Simon added that the record execs testimony was "dreadful, amateurish, and really, really pitchy". 

- Paula Abdul jumped to his defense...but she was slurring so badly it was hard to make out what she was saying. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with an all-new Podcast (#129)!

-Dick

NEWSFLASH: Prince Harry Not Only "Dope" In Royal Family!

Queen Elizabeth's Gold Cup winning horse has tested positive for the banned substance Morphine and may be stripped of his crown. 

- Buckingham Palace doctors say that the horse, Camila, has been taking morphine for pain following a "waving to the crowd" injury. 

- Ironically, Prince Charles has considered slipping his mother a dose of Morphine to finally have her stripped of HER crown. 

- There's a rumor the horse also tested positive for pot and alcohol...Sounds like somebody's been partying with Prince Harry. 

*****

A Denver man posted a spreadsheet on the website Reddit detailing each time he asked his wife for sex and the excuse she gave him, ranging from "I'm tired" to "I'm sweaty and gross". He tried everyday from June 3rd to July 16th and only got lucky once. 

- His wife said she was extremely frustrated with the public posting. But not as frustrated as her husband!

*****

Miley Cyrus posted a topless photo of herself on the internet to dispel rumors that she had died. 

- Kidnappers post pix of their captive with a current newspaper to prove their alive, Miley posts a shot of her boobs. 

- Let's hope Rosie O'Donnell never has to post the same kind of picture to prove she's still alive. 

*****

A new book about the Secret Service says Bill Clinton has a current mistress that visits whenever Hillary leaves the house. Her code name? "Energizer". 

- Which is much easier to remember than Monica's code name: "Devil With The Blue Dress On". 

- Boy, if someone hadn't written a book about it, I never would have suspected. 

- Bill makes John F. Kennedy look like one of those nerdy guys in the high school Chess Club. 

*****

Rapper Snoop Dog told Jimmy Kimmel that he got really high at the White House last year - but that it doesn't really count since he lit up in a White House Bathroom. 

- He took a few people in the bathroom with him, so technically it was a meeting of "The Joint Chiefs of Staff". 

- I believe the first musicians to smoke a joint in the White House were the Doobie Brothers. 

*****

The FAA has barred airlines from flying to Israel after a rocket strike hit just one mile from the Tel Aviv airport. 

- Great...now I have to change my weekend getaway plans to someplace safer, like Iraq or Syria. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

And don't forget...my daily blogs here at dickpurtan.com are now brought to you by "Intelligent Catering". 

Popping The Cork At The Purtan Summer Birthday Spectacular!

Yesterday, the whole Purtan family gathered for our Annual "Purtan Summer Birthday Bash". There were 21 of us in all...celebrating the NINE birthdays that fall over the Summer months!

I know, I know...if you count the names on the cake there's only EIGHT. Gail and I would like to offer our sincere apologies to daughter #6, Julie, who's name was accidentally left off the cake by the baker. (I told her the important thing to remember was that MY NAME made it!) 

It was a great day - complete with a boat ride with "Captain Dickie" at the helm. As you can see in the picture above...I traded my usual "Titanic Hat" for this very chic chapeau I was given by a listener when I retired. It's from Australia, and apparently the "bobbing-corks-on-a-string" are designed for one of two purposes: 1) To fend off mosquitos and/or kangaroos or 2) To make the wearer look like a complete Dork. (My kids and grandkids went for #2). 

Can't wait for next years extravaganza! 

*****

In other news... 

A new dating site tests users' DNA to make sure they're a safe biological match for each other. 

- These websites can't get people to put up a real profile picture of themselves...do they really think "HornyHarold2014" is going to send in his own DNA???

- The site is called xy&eChromosome.com

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Today, July 21, in "National Junk Food Day".  

- In honor of the day, Little Debbie just got engaged to that Ding-Dong she's been dating FOREVER! 

*****

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West laid out a half a million dollars for a body double for their daughter to shield her from the paparazzi. 

- The code name for "North West's" miniature body-double is "South East". 

*****

RIP...James Garner. The actor whose career spanned TV shows "Maverick" & "The Rockford Files" to scores of movies including "Murphy's Romance" and "The Notebook" died over the weekend at the age of 86. Many also remember Garner as the longtime TV spokesman for Polaroid Cameras. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check my latest Podcast #128! Just click here to listen! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #128: "Waiter...There's A Podcast In My Soup!"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and a hot-off-the-grill new Podcast (#128)! Jackie and I will be your servers and I'd like to take a minute to tell you about this weeks "specials"...

- It's one of the hardest forms of comedy: Improv. Jackie uses her experience as an original member of The Second City Detroit to let us in on just how it works. 

- Dave Rexroth's accident and recovery and the fact that in just 24 hours, 15,000 of you sent your prayers and good wishes to him via dickpurtan.com! 

- The passing of actress Elaine Stritch. You may not think you know who she is, but chances are good you do. 

- How she went from singing "Bongo Bongo Bongo I Don't Want to Leave the Congo, Oh No! No! No!" to "Send it the Clowns". 

- Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl returned to duty...and exactly which side authorized it (Uncle Sam or his Tali-Buddies???)

- How the Fall like weather and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford made it hard to celebrate "National Respect Canada Day". 

- Marvel comics announcement that the he-man character "Thor" is becoming a woman and what real life celebrity might have inspired the change.  

and...

- How the city of Philadelphia wanted to tax lap dances under the "amusement tax" and how that "sat" with a Judge.

Of course each "entree" comes with plenty of "asides"! So take a few minutes to feast on Podcast #128...you don't even have to leave a tip! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick