"Here's the Thor-y...Of A Lovely Lady???"

The current wave of changes in the Comic Book industry continues. Marvel Comics is changing the gender of their popular "Thor" character from a man to a woman. 

- If you thought he was Thor now, he's really gonna be Thor after the surgery! 

- So this week alone, "Archie" died taking a bullet for a gay friend and "Thor" is having a sex change. Are these comic books or HBO? 

*****

Sources say that Pope Francis is hinting that priests may soon be allowed to marry and have kids. 

- I can hear it now..."Just wait 'til your Father, the Father gets home!" 

- If the Priests do get married look for them to teach their kids a lot of "Hail Mary" passes.  

*****

Al Qaeda's monthly magazine "Inspire" is encouraging jihadists to attack the U.S. Tennis Open. 

- Remember the good old days when if you wanted to see an explosion at a tennis match, the judge just had to tell John McEnroe that his tennis ball was "out"?

- It's the best selling Al Qaeda issue since "Babes in Burkas" came out in February. 

*****

MTV is launching a new TV show called "Virgin Territory" that follows a group of young girls some of whom are trying to lose their virginity. 

- It's really a throwback to MTV's old format...when they played videos by Madonna. 

*****

Ron Howard announced that he's directing an authorized Beatles documentary. 

- He's going to put his own spin on it...for instance the section on the Fab Four's drug days will be called "Mayberry LSD". 

*****

Lindsay Lohans spokesperson says she was not drunk when she fell down at the Ischia Film Festival in Italy. 

- She was high on crack...but she was definitely NOT drunk. 

*****

From the Good News Department... Channel 7's Dave Rexroth says his recovery is going well! He'll meet with his doctors in Iowa today, then head back here to get ready for his prosthetic eye surgery in August! 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick

Rapper Who Cut Off Own Penis Talks About "Package Deal"...

The Wu Tang rapper who cut off his own penis and jumped off a two-story balcony says it was not a suicide attempt. 

- Suicide attempt, no. Stupid? Absolutely. 

- The way I see it, either way he came up short.

*****

A new study on global employment shows that China's work force is shrinking. 

- This is because of better technology and also the fact that many workers have decided to go on to higher education...and attend 2nd grade instead. 

*****

A shocking new report says that 35 Disney World employees have tried to meet minors in the park for sex since 2006. 

- This explains why "Horny" and "Gropey" have moved in with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.  

*****

The Army confirmed that Bowe Bergdahl is on desk duty at Fort Sam Houston. 

- He spends most of the day emailing Jihad jokes to his "Tali-Buddies" in Afghanistan. 

*****

Israel and Hamas resumed bombing each other less than 24 hours after Egypt brokered a peace treaty.  

- It wasn't so much a peace treaty as it was a little extra time time for everybody to clean and reload their weapons. 

*****

The FAA is probing a New York representative for using a drone to shoot his wedding video. 

- Usually the only drone at a wedding is a drunken groomsmen who gives an impromptu embarrassing speech about the groom's previous sex life. 

*****

Oscar Pistorius is in hot water again. While out on bail during his murder trial, he went to a nightclub and got into a fight with another patron. His lawyer says going to the nightclub was "probably a bad idea". 

- Ya think? 

- But there were so many women their just dying to meet him. 

- To his credit, he stuck to beer and didn't do any shots. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Archie "Rubbed Out" Of His Own Comic Strip!

"Archie" Andrews, the red-headed good-guy star of Archie Comics will be killed off by publishers in an edition released tomorrow. He'll die taking a bullet for his gay friend, Kevin Kellner, in an effort to increase gun control awareness. 

- Betty and Veronica are expected to attend the funeral, and Jughead will deliver the eulogy. 

*****

Thanks to a "summer version" of the Polar Vortex, today and tomorrow will feel more like September or the beginning of October, than July.  Highs will barely make 70...with temps dipping into the low 50's during the night. 

- On the down side, you might have to wear a coat. On the bright side, there are no leaves to rake. 

- It hasn't been this cold in July since Bill & Hillary shared a hotel room in 1992. 

*****

Military sources says that former Taliban hostage/guest Sgt. Bowie Bergdahl has been cleared by Army doctors to return to active duty. 

- I'm sure our Veteran's who have been waiting to have their blood pleasure taken at the VA hospital since 2004 are thrilled that he got such top-notch medical attention. 

*****

A group of doctors claim that the new iPad, which contains Nickel, may give people a severe, itchy rash. 

- The exact same symptoms you'll end up with if you spend a night with Madonna. 

*****

Lindsay Lohan has threatened to move out of the US permanently. 

- I take that more as "wishful thinking" than a "threat". 

- Question: Does Malaysian Air fly out of US airports???

*****

A survey by Live Science found that the average person has dreams about doing things that are impossible to do in real life. 

- Things like flying, becoming invisible, and figuring out the US immigration policy. 

*****

In Pennsylvania, a corpse fell out of a coroner's van and on to a busy road. 

- I guess the driver misunderstood when the coroner told him to have the body "run over" to the morgue. 

- Ironically, it happened on a dead end street. 

- The deceased was a woman with fake boobs, giving new meaning to "When the rubber meets the road". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

 

Germany: "World Cup Win More Than Balances Out Loss of WWII"

They're still partying in the streets of Deutschland after Germany defeated Argentina 1-0 to win the World Cup of Soccer. 

- They plan to continue the celebrations by invading Poland and beating their team, too.  

- The fans were so excited they got Goose-steps, um, I mean Goosebumps.  

*****

Mick Jagger was at the game in Brazil because he's a big soccer fan. 

- Mick's so old, fans sitting nearby swear they heard him yelling, "Hey you kids...Get offa my lawn!"

*****

The Drug Enforcement Administration launched an investigation into the NFL's abuse of pain killers and prescription drugs. 

- In most cities they'll concentrate on the players, but here in Detroit they'll be checking out the Lion's FANS.  

*****

"Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" won big at the weekend box office. 

- Producers of other movies released this weekend said "Those DAMN Apes!!!!!" 

*****

Fired "The View" co-host Jenny McCarthy says that when Rosie O'Donnell rejoins the show she'll "Bring a lot of heat". 

- Along with a lot of potato chips and donuts. 

- Rosie and Whoopi back together again...I haven't looked forward to a reunion this much since the last time Dennis Rodman visited Kim Jong Un. 

*****

Singapore's government has banned a book about two male penguins that raise a baby chick. 

- What do two gay guys know about chicks anyway? 

- Wow...Gay Penquins. Talk about snappy dressers! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out Podcast #127! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #127: "Happy Birthday To Me...Yada Yada Yada!"

Jackie as "Elaine" and me trying to look like "Kramer" (although I look more like a Scary one of "PUTIN's People")  in a shot we took for a Children's Hospital Calendar a few years back. 

Jackie as "Elaine" and me trying to look like "Kramer" (although I look more like a Scary one of "PUTIN's People")  in a shot we took for a Children's Hospital Calendar a few years back. 

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #127! It's my Birthday so please pardon any typos...I have frosting on my fingers. This week Jackie and I "unwrap" a lot of subjects including: 

- Second Marriage for the AARP set...involving money and your kids (both the grown-up ones and your toddlers!)

- The recent passing of "Pinocchio". 

- The latest Iraqi craziness...and why the Parliament can't seem to agree on anything even though the enemy is knocking on the front door!

- Germany's announcement that they're ending their no-spy agreement with the US. So be on the lookout for Nazi's hiding in your bushes!  

- The "disturbing" secret a woman found out when she saw the house she was living in on the TV news. 

- What Hitler, Stalin, Osama Bin Laden and Justin Bieber should all have had in common. 

- How many eggs you can eat per week according to my doctor. 

- The Purtan Family Birthday Calendar.

And...

- Seinfeld's 25th Anniversary and my favorite lines and moments from the show.

So while I'm busy blowing out the candles, put on a party hat and celebrate with Podcast #127!  (31:28)

Have a great day and I'll see you back here on Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick 

"And Then There Were...11?"

25 years ago this Saturday, "Seinfeld" debuted on NBC. In honor of the anniversary and my Birthday tomorrow on the 11th, here are, in my opinion, the "11" best expressions (in no particular order) that Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer added to the popular lingo. 

- Shut! Up! 

- Sponge Worthy

- Yada Yada Yada 

- Here Ma...Have Some Tic-Tacs. 

- Anti-Dentite

- Shrinkage

- Not That There's Anything Wrong With That! 

- No Soup For You!

- Hello Newman...

- Master of My Domain

- I'm Out! 

*****

Reportedly OJ Simpson is insisting that he's the biological father of one of the Kardashian girls. and is demanding a DNA test to prove it. 

- Personally, I'd be demanding a DNA test to prove that one of the Kardashian's WASN'T mine. 

*****

The author of a book on how to survive the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona is in critical condition after being gored in the leg by a bull in Pamplona. 

- Apparently, he's a really good writer, but not much of a reader. 

*****

Robert Redford has signed on to play Dan Rather in the new movie called "Truth". 

- The screenwriters say they still have a few wrinkles to work out...and they're all in Robert Redford's face. 

*****

A Judge in the small-town of Waterloo, NY has been indicted after stealing gasoline and lying about being attacked by two men wielding a toilet seat as he was leaving the courthouse last November. 

- Looks like someone just flushed their Judicial career down the toilet. 

- His wife says she has no idea why he made up the story...then again she doesn't understand why he leaves the toilet seat up at home either. 

*****

And now for some good news... Channel 7 is reporting that Dave Rexroth's surgery yesterday was a success! His damaged left eye was removed and will be replaced with a prosthetic eye in a second surgery next Thursday. Our thoughts and Prayers continue to be with Dave and the entire Rexroth family. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

Whoopi! Everything's Coming Up Rosie???

It's apparently a done deal... Insiders say Rosie O'Donnell is headed back to "The View" and will co-host with Whoopi Goldberg.  

- They're kinda like "Thelma & Louise"...hopefully with the same ending. 

*****

A Detroit man is in custody after exposing himself at a Starbucks in Royal Oak and then fleeing from the cops. 

- Luckily, eyewitnesses were able to pick him out of a line up by identifying his Frappachino.  

- And they said it was "no Grande". 

*****

On this day in 1995, the Grateful Dead played their last concert at Chicago's Soldier Field. 

- This news comes as a shock to fans of the band who are still in the stands waiting for "intermission" to end. 

- You don't have to be Dead to be Grateful that the band hasn't performed in almost 30 years. 

*****

Last week Joan Rivers walked off the set of a TV interview and now David Letterman turned the tables and walked off the set while he was interviewing Joan on his show. 

- An embarrassed Joan managed to keep a straight face. Then again, Joan ALWAYS keeps a straight face. 

- Joan went on to give a solo performance about her sex life. 

*****

Scientists at MIT are developing a birth control computer chip that can be implanted under the skin. 

- In a gift to humanity, the first one will be implanted in the Octomom. 

- The chip will also let the NSA know when "the moment is right". 

*****

A study by the University of Sheffield found that super massive black holes can belch gas in incredible quantities. 

- So forget Global Warming, Earth stands a good chance of being Burped into extinction. 

- They say the tricky part is getting the black holes to take Bean-O. 

*****

Madonna finally show up for jury duty in New York and was dismissed. 

- Attorneys said she couldn't be impartial because she'd slept with the defendant. 

- And the Judge. 

- And the Bailiff. 

- And Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Continued Prayers For Dave Rexroth...

First of all, I want to thank all of you for your incredible outpouring of support for Dave Rexroth! And with his prosthetic eye surgery set for tomorrow, please join me and the entire Purtan family as we continue to pray for a successful outcome and speedy recovery for Dave...and comfort for his family! 

-Dick

*****

A study by the University of Missouri found that spending too much time on Twitter can ruin your marriage. 

- The one exception: Anthony Weiner. 

- Thankfully you can post all about your S.O.B. partner on Facebook. 

- This is nothing new...women have been dumping men for years because "he's all thumbs in bed". 

*****

The Running of the Bulls is underway in Pamplona, Spain, and one man has already been gored in the groin. 

- Doctors say the man's brain damage may be permanent. 

*****

The Department of Homeland Security believes terrorists could be inserting bombs into smartphones before boarding planes. 

- This gives a whole new meaning to someone "blowing up your phone". 

- Great... Wanna bring down an airliner? There's an app for that! 

- And you thought the person sitting next to you playing "Candy Crush Saga" was annoying.

*****

On this day in 951 A.D. Paris was founded. 

- Later that afternoon, a Parisian horse and wagon taxi driver overcharged a tourist from England trying to get to the Eiffel Tower. 

- They would have called it "Saint du Jerry Lewis" but he hadn't been born yet. 

*****

The Washington Post is reporting that the NSA spends more time tracking ordinary American web users than targeted foreigners. 

- They now have the largest collection of Cat pictures and crock pot recipes in the world. 

- They may also know about that time you posted "Screw the IRS!" Of course you won't know for sure until next April. 

*****

For the first time ever, Congress is on the verge of emptying out the fund used to pay for repairs to  our nations highways. 

- So when Obama said, "If you like your Pothole...you can keep your Pothole!" he was actually telling the truth! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here on Wednesday! 

-Dick

 

Forecast: A Full and Speedy Recovery

Our thoughts and prayers go out to Dave Rexroth, Chief Meteorologist at Channel 7 who was severely injured in a fireworks accident Friday night. He was vacationing with his family in Iowa, where he remains hospitalized. He is scheduled to undergo surgery on Wednesday to begin the process of providing him with a prosthetic eye. 

My daughter JoAnne has had the pleasure of working with Dave for many years at WXYZ and I can tell you from personal experience that he is a super and extremely funny guy. 

Please join my entire family and me in sending positive thoughts and Prayers to Dave and his family as they go through this very difficult time. You can leave a note on Dave's Facebook page or send a "Get Well" tweet to @rexroth7wxyz. 

He's expected to be back in front of the camera forecasting in September! 

-Dick

*****

In other news...

A noted physicist says that by the year 2045, humans will no longer be the top species on earth. 

- That is, if the Kardasian's are allowed to continue procreating. 

*****

Joan Rivers made waves recently by saying that the President was gay and that the First Lady was a transexual. 

- Rivers used to support the Obamas, but apparently is two-faced...neither of which can move. 

*****

Miley Cyrus got a tattoo of her dead dog under her left breast. 

- Sadly, by the time she's 50, nobody will be able to tell that she ever had a dog. 

- Miley's a boob...and now so is her dead dog. 

- That dog is going to get (heavy) petted in death a million times more than it did in life. 

*****

Over the holiday weekend, a 116-year-old woman in Arkansas was named the oldest living American. 

- If you want to congratulate her, call now! Being named the "Oldest Living Anything" usually means you'll be dead inside a week. 

- In a related story, Larry King was named the "Oldest Living American Who Looks Like a Giant Grasshopper." 

*****

Pope Francis says businesses that stay open on Sundays are not good for society and have a negative impact on family. 

- Especially when those businesses have names like "Hooters" and "The Dollar Lap Dance Store". 

*****

An Australian TV station aired a damaging video of Oscar Pistorius reenacting the killing of his girlfriend. 

- It wasn't damaging, until Oscar started criticizing the director saying, "That's all wrong! I was over HERE when I killed her!" 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back Tuesday!

-Dick 

 

Happy 4th of July Weekend...2014!

Hope you had a fabulous 4th…and that the 5th and 6th are great as well! After a long night of Fireworks (I haven’t oooohhhed and ahhhhed that much since the Kwame verdicts were read) I am now going to make my world famous Salmon-On-A-Stick appetizer, get ready to throw some fat-free Turkey dogs on the grill (in honor of Ben Franklin who wanted to make the Turkey our nation's National Bird instead of the Eagle!)  and "relish" the fruits of our Founding Fathers!! 

From the Purtan Family to yours…Have a Safe & Happy Holiday weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday! 

-JOHN "Dick" HANCOCK

Pippa Middleton in A-Rears???

Pippa Middleton says she feels "publicly bullied" by the way people have objectified her since the Royal Wedding and that no woman should be famous just because of her butt.  

- And here I thought she'd turn the other cheek. 

- So I guess the Kardashian sisters shouldn't be expecting an invitation to High Tea anytime soon. 

- Ironically, Pippa says she just wants to put the whole thing behind her. 

*****

The Supreme Court allowed California to ban psychological "conversion therapy" that tries to turn gay teens straight. 

- George Michael went thru that therapy years ago and WHAM! he stayed gay. 

*****

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford finished a two-month stint in alcohol and drug rehab, saying he truly regrets some of the choices he's made in the past. 

- Like wasting two good months of party time by checking himself into rehab. 

- He plans to celebrate his new found sobriety by doing Jell-O shots...off his own stomach.  

*****

Sixteen different companies have put in bids to operate casinos on New York's Indian Reservations. 

- So far the top Contenders are "The Charmin Tee-Pee Resort & Casino", "Bet, Bath & Beyond" and "Proctor & Gambling". 

*****

TLC has given the green light to a new series that tells the story of people who buy houses in the nude. 

- They're just like regular home buyers except they don't give a rats patoot about closet space. 

- In the pilot episode, they sold a house to a naked 23 year old woman and 57 guys showed up on the Welcome Wagon. 

*****

Harrison Ford broke his ankle on the set of the new Star Wars film. 

- Doctors say his therapy will include a lot of Yoda, um...I mean "Yoga". 

- He's using a cane, so "Han" is no longer walking "Solo". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

 

My Oh My! It's The First Of July!

Three big events: Today is July 1st, "Canada Day". Also "Second Half Of The Year Day". And also, the day after Jackie's Birthday! (Oops... I forgot to mention that yesterday!) The picture of Jackie below was taken at her birthday party yesterday afternoon!?!

*****

Mensa is partnering with Match.com to create a dating site where geniuses can find a partner. 

- It's expected to be a lot less popular than it's sister site eStudpidity.com.

- The problem is, anyone smart enough to be in Mensa would be way too smart to try on-line dating. 

*****

A new study found that marijuana use has declined everywhere in the world except the U.S.

- The "Star Spangled Banner" will now officially be replaced by Jackie Wilson's "Higher and Higher".  

*****

Organizers of the Miss Florida beauty pageant crowned the wrong girl after a vote countering error.  

- Apparently they got the girls hanging chads mixed up. 

*****

Elton John marked Gay Pride Day by saying that Jesus would have supported gay marriage. 

- He based his theory on the fact that Jesus liked to drink wine and hang out with a bunch of guys. 

*****

Pope Francis insists that he's fine, despite canceling recent events because of health problems. 

- Truth be told, he just hasn't been getting much sleep due to Restless Pope Syndrome. 

*****

The Oscar Pistorius murder trial resumed Monday after a 30-day psychiatric evaluation. 

- The good news for him: He's not crazy. The bad news for me: This increases his chances of being convicted.    

- The doctors did say he's suffering from PTSD... Post Traumatic Shooting Disorder. 

*****

A study by Emory University found that Chimpanzees prefer music from India and Africa over Western music. 

- The one exception...Anything by The Monkees. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 


Tom's Got A Hank-ering To Work With Meg Again...

57 year old Tom Hanks is reuniting with 52 year old Meg Ryan for a new movie. 

- It'll be called "Sleepless in Seattle Due To Restless Leg Syndrome". 

- Or "You've Got Mail! Including Your AARP Membership Card!"

*****

According to divorce papers filed in Florida, George Zimmerman has no home and no money, but spends $100 each month going on vacation. 

- Who knew it could be so cheap to find a pristine white beach to relax on? 

*****

An Alaskan black bear crashed through a skylight and into a living room during a toddler's birthday party.  

- The child's parents never would have paid 200 bucks for a pony if they'd known the bear was gonna show up for free. 

- Zoologists claim the animal suffers from psychological problems, describing him as a "Bi-Polar Bear". 

*****

Yesterday was "Gay Pride Day" in the USA. 

- This year's official slogan was "It Takes A Village People". 

*****

Eminem's daughter Haillie graduated from High School in Clinton Township over the weekend. 

- Eminem said, "I'm so #%@  *$^!  $%!@^&^! proud of her I could %*&^#$  %$!@#!!!!!"

- Her teachers were amazed saying they thought her chances of graduation were Slim Shady to none. 

*****

On this day in 1936 the book "Gone With the Wind" was published, becoming an instant best seller. 

- I've never read it...I'm waiting for the movie to come out. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here on Tuesday! 

-Dick

 

Purtan Podcast #126: "Sorry...Wrong Number (By One!)"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and a brand new Podcast...#126! (Don't be confused when Jackie and I call it #125...turns out we're about as good with numbers as the US Budget Office).This week yet another of my lovely daughters joins us...this time the oldest of the six...Jennifer. 

It's a "Purtan Podcast Potpourri" including: 

-Why Detroit is the safest weather city to live in when it comes to natural disasters.

- How over the years...at hundreds of banquets...Gail has always been introduced as "and his lovely wife". 

- The best Bagels (in my humble opinion) and where you can find them. 

- How coffee goes great with hamburgers and the one condiment that I HAVE TO ADD to really make it work. 

- How many Beans is too many Beans in a bowl of fast food Chili? (I actually counted).

- The many "Stars" that Jennifer ran into when she lived in L.A. and which two "Stars" it would take to make Jackie move there. 

- What happened to daughter #4 JoAnne, the day she "covered" (literally) the demolition of the old Hudson's building. 

- And for your musical entertainment...I'll give you my pick for the singer I think is the best and most successful pop star of the last 40 years - and play one of my favorites. 

So grab something cool to sip on and drink-in Podcast #126!  (31:35)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick 


Casting Couch Now Open For "Clinton: The Musical"!

"Clinton: The Musical" is about to hit the stage in New York City. Producers say it follows "Two Bills and one Hillary as they prove that politics is Show Biz for ugly people."  The production also features characters including Ken Starr and Monica Lewinsky. 

- Alternate titles for the show include "Fiddled-Her On The Roof", "Damn Wankees" & "Hillary Get Your Gun". 

- The show is said to feature toe-tapping songs including "Oh What A Beautiful Intern!", "Impeachable You" and Monica Lewinsky singing, "I'm Just A Girl Who Can't Say No!"

*****

The Department of Homeland Security is looking to buy 42 thousand pair of men's underwear for illegal detainees from Mexico. Sizes requested range from Small to 6XL. 

- The program is known as "SpongeJuan UnderPants". 

- The guys who need the 6XL's didn't "Run for the Border"...they were rolled across it. 

*****

Joe Biden called himself the poorest man in Congress, saying he doesn't have a single stock, bond or savings account. 

- And we wonder why the economy is so screwed up. 

- He'd put his money where his mouth is...but his foot is already taking up all the space. 

*****

Madonna's daughter Lordes will be attending the University of Michigan starting in the fall. U of M is also her mom's alma mater. 

- And you thought you had trouble convincing your Freshman daughter to stay "Like a Virgin". 

- So attention male students: Get your shots now! 

- You can read all about it in the upcoming issue of "Vogue".

*****

An Environmental Working Group report warns parents that eating too many nutrients can pose health issues for children.

- Translation: Every kid in America is in the clear.

*****

Bob Dylan's handwritten draft of "Like a Rolling Stone" is expected to bring in $2 million at auction this week.

- If his handwriting is better than his singing, we might finally figure out the lyrics!

*****

Lindsay Lohan streaked fully naked across a London department store after trying on clothes.

- She's pulled the same stunt at "Pottery Butt", and "Nudestum". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

Scientists Attempt To Keep Sheep From Tooting Own Horns...

 

In the ongoing war on Global Warming, Federal researchers are attempting to breed sheep that give off less methane gas when they burp or break wind. 

- It's actually a highly classified project known as: "Silent But Deadly". 

- If only they'd had this technology before my former brother-in-law Joe married into the family. 

*****

John Kerry say the U.S. is exploring alternative ways to kill off insurgents in Iraq. 

- They'd send in a bunch of Sheep, but poison gas isn't allowed under the Geneva Convention. 

- That's the great thing about death...so many options! 

*****

Twenty girls, age 7 and younger were forced into marriage during a ceremony in India. 

- The brides are already complaining about spending all day cooking for their husbands in their plastic "Little Tikes" kitchens. 

- I hope their parents aren't expecting grandkids anytime soon. 

*****

A pre-teen boy in France has finally admitted that he made-up a story about being kidnapped to get out of going to the dentist. 

- It took hours, but the cops finally drilled the truth out of him. 

- I'm guessing this kid was born without Wisdom teeth. 

*****

At 3:30pm this afternoon, Governor Rick Snyder is expected to sign the "Breastfeeding Anti-Descrimination Act" making it legal for woman to nurse their babies in public. 

- For full coverage of this story, just turn to any news channel on the Boob tube. 

- The police are expecting a huge crowd in Lansing...not protestors, just a lot of creepy guys with cameras. 

*****

The Government continues to try to force the owner of the NFL's Washington Redskins to change the team name, saying it's offensive. 

- How about The Washington Redskin Potatoes? Nothin' offensive about that!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Fireworks and Faygo!

Despite a 70% change of rain tonight, organizers say they're planning to go ahead with tonight's 56th Annual Detroit Ford Fireworks on the Detroit River. Over one million people are expected to attend. 

- If the event is cancelled, Channel 4 will still provide "Fireworks" coverage...they'll show a tape of one of Monica Conyers City Council meetings. 

*****

A new study finds that grumpy and negative people are more efficient at their jobs because they tend to focus on fewer things than positive people. 

- So "Grumpy" may not have "whistled on his way to work" like "Happy"...but he did a better job in the mine.  

- This is great ammo for anyone who gets called into the bosses office to day for having "a bad attitude". 

*****

According to the National Enquirer, now that the big Kardashian wedding is over, Kim's step dad Bruce Jenner is going full speed ahead with his gender transformation. He was recently spotted with pouty lips, long hair in a pony tail, lady-length manicured nails, and his breasts appear to be growing. They say he's even picked out a new name for himself: Brigitte. 

- Just what we need...another woman in the Kardashian family. 

- Bruce's final act of gender transformation to be a true Kardashian will be the day he gets butt implants. 

*****

A University in Florida will begin letting students "check out" drones from the Library next fall. The plan is to have students use the drones to take aerial photographs and video. 

- And deliver pizza to dorms. 

- And beer kegs to frat parties. 

*****

Hugh Rosenthal, the grandson of one of the founders of legendary "Faygo" Soda Pop is suing the company for age discrimination. He claims he was fired at the age of 68 for no reason except than he was 68. 

- His termination letter read: "Remember when you were a kid? Well part of you still is! But the rest of you is too old to work here anymore!"

*****

A new book claims that Hillary Clinton's health problems have been greatly downplayed and that she suffers from serious heart issues. 

- Republicans leaders were shocked...that she had a heart at all. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out Podcast #125 featuring Jim "Casey Kasem" Ochs! Click here to listen. 

-Dick 

 

Purtan Podcast #125: "Casey (Well, Jim Ochs as Casey) At The Bat"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #125! This week Jackie and I welcome special guest Jim Ochs to the Purtan Dining Room table. Jim not only performed on my show for years, but was acknowledged by the late great Casey Kasem as THE BEST Casey impersonator in the country! The three of us (four...if you count Jim as Casey) "Count Down" a whole host of topics including: 

- The "Jersey Boys" movie.

- Hollywood producers putting rap music into remakes of old movies. 

- Subtle vs. Slamdunk humor on the radio.

- Dr. Oz:  Is the "man behind the curtain" a good guy or a bad guy for stretching the truth about diet drugs (as he loves to stretch human intestines on his show!)

- Some memorable audio clips from my show with Jim "filling in" for me, and as Casey Kasem. 

- Plus Jackie presents a special "Long Distance Dedication" as "Mrs. Casey Kasem". 

So have a great weekend, keep your feet on the ground & keep reachin' for the stars in Podcast #125!  (37:36) And I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick



People Forced To Actually Talk To Each Other!

Yesterday, June 18th, 2014 Facebook went down for 30 minutes across the globe leaving users unable to make posts. 

- And you thought December 7, 1941 was a date which would live in infamy. 

- For 30 long minutes, the friends of Cindy Fremont had no idea whether or not she'd finally made it to the front of the line at the grocery store. 

*****

Dr. Oz was ripped apart at a Congressional hearing for allegedly lying about weight-loss products on his show. 

- But the Congressmen did admit that the episode where he unraveled and stretched a human intestine across the stage was pretty cool. 

- Dr. Oz stayed calm...but I got the idea he was angry when he suggested that every member of the panel get a colonoscopy. 

*****

A study by Berkeley Research Group found that listing your religious faith on your resume decreases your risk of getting hired. 

- Especially if you're applying at the Vatican and put yourself down as "Agnostic". 

*****

New York State adopted a new law allowing humans to be buried in pet cemeteries alongside their furry friends. 

- And if you've got a goldfish you can now get the traditional "Flush-Down-The-Toilet" burial for yourself.  

- Somewhere in New York there's an 85 year old spinster with 70 cats who just bought an entire cemetery.

- Dog owners better hope Rover goes first or he's gonna keep digging them up. 

*****

A British woman's breast implants exploded inside her body, quadrupling the size of her breasts. 

- This is what happens when you go to the "Al Qaeda Cosmetic Surgery Center". 

- Terrorists are already using the idea to create "Suicide Boobers". 

- The woman was unavailable for comment...since the explosion, her husband's had her locked in their bedroom.

- And just like that we know how Dolly Parton became Dolly Parton. 

*****

Donald Trump told an interviewer that he thinks J. Lo's and Kim Kardashian's butts are "too big". 

- Reaction to his comment was so positive, he's going to use the "Butt's Too Big" platform as the centerpiece of his campaign if he decides to run for President.  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast! 

-Dick 

Thunder From Down Under???

It was tough to get any sleep last night with the incredible thunderstorms that lasted through this morning. 
- There hasn't been that much thunder since Kwame Kilpatrick and the boys got together at the prison mess hall for the monthly "All You Can Eat Franks & Beans Buffet". 
*****
Facebook lifted it's ban on breast feeding photos. 
- Instead they'll ban pictures of bottle feeding since those never get any "Likes". 
*****
Don Ennis, an ABC News producer who switched genders 3 times, has been fired. 
- Friends say he's taking the firing like a man...On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. The rest of the week he's taking it like a woman. 
- Kind of makes you long for the good old days when we had people like Chastity/Chaz Bono who only changed gender once. 
*****
7-Eleven is the latest U.S. franchise to set up shop in the United Arab Emirates. 
- They're just like our 7-Eleven's but the sign on the door reads: "No Burka, No Sandals, No Service." 
- They also have the traditional "Goat-On-A-Bun" hot dogs on the roller.  
- They also offer the "Suicide Bomber Burrito". Microwave it for more than 72 seconds and it explodes. 
*****
Secretary of State John Kerry confirmed that the US may join forces with Iran to end the violence in the Middle East. 
- I think we have the front-runner for next year's "Nobel Peace of Crap Prize"!
*****
Lady Gaga made a surprise visit to an arts school in Astoria, Queens dressed as Cher. 
- How could they tell? 
- Gay guys at the school haven't been this excited since Adam Lambert won American Idol. 
*****
Kenya's president is urging tourists to vacation in Kenya. 
- They're slogan is: "Everybody's Flying To Kenya...20 Million Mosquitos Can't Be Wrong!"
*****
Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 
-Dick