Ortiz Tries To Get Weathy Off Selfie...

The White House has banned "selfies" after Boston Red Sox slugger David Ortiz sold one he took with President Obama to Samsung, who used it as a promotion for their new phone. 

- At least Ortiz didn't include his bat in the picture like Anthony Weiner always does. 

- What better way to showcase the President's love of America's Favorite Pastime than on a S. Korean phone. 

*****

Paintings by George W. Bush have gone on display at his presidential Library.  

- The best one is of the President's now deceased dog Barney playing Poker. 

- He's gotten great reviews for his "Still Life". It was based on a cell phone pic of Dick Cheney's friend right after he shot him in the face. 

*****

George Strait and Miranda Lambert were the big winners at last night's Country Music Awards. 

- There haven't been that many people in one place who've lost their job, dog and pick-up since last year's Kentucky State Fair. 

*****

Today is National Beer Drinking Day. 

- This is the day when overweight men across America really go to work on their Six-Pack Abs. 

- National Beer Drinking Day is also known by another name..."College". 

*****

David Letterman's announcement last week that he will retire in 2015 has TV execs buzzing about who will replace him. 

- Jay Leno is already working on his opening monologue. 

*****

Bill Maher says there really is a "Gay Mafia", and that if you cross them, you get whacked. 

- And if you don't get whacked, you get dinner and an evening of dancing!

- Police can tell if the Gay Mafia ordered a hit, because the guy is found at the bottom of the river wearing expensive designer cement shoes. 

*****

RIP...Mickey Rooney. The pint-sized actor who, along with his co-star Judy Garland, was one of MGM's biggest box office attractions in the '30's and 40's has died at the age of 93. In addition to his acting, Rooney was known for his marriages - there were 8 in all, including one to Ava Gardner. 

- One film historian said, "Mickey leaves some pretty small shoes to fill". 

- He will be buried after a short service. (Bada Boom!)

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday. 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #116: "From Keener To Weiner..."

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and another "Pothole Podcast"! (#116 - 39:42)

On tap today: 

- My problem with Jimmy Fallon as host of the Tonight Show. 

- How I ended up taking the job at Keener 13 (after turning it down twice) and how a fist fight between two jocks in the studio led me to take over the morning show ahead of schedule. 

- The incredible Life & Death story of Keener newsman Ed Mullen...including how he died and actually lived to tell about it! 

- Why the PC world we live in is a real bummer. 

- Who's got the best Chicken sandwich...McDonald's or Burger King. And which one I'd cross the road to get to. 

- How Anthony Weiner "popped up" in the news...again...and why I think the guy getting the press should be the incredibly talented Seth McFarland from "The Family Guy". 

- How I almost bought Hitler's Globe...and did buy Clark Gable's personal script from "Gone With the Wind". 

All that and lots more in Podcast #116. I know it's a lot to take in, but you can always listen to it again tomorrow. After all...Tomorrow is another day! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick 

Clinton: Aliens Exist! (And Not Just The Ones In Congress)

Former President Clinton admitted in an interview that he believes in the possibility of aliens, telling Jimmy Kimmel that "If we were visited someday, I wouldn't be surprised". 

- The female aliens will, however, be surprised when they get "probed" by Bill Clinton. 

- Most people believe that just looking at Cher and the men on "Duck Dynasty" proves the aliens are already here. 

*****

A new study shows that Americans trust the NSA and the IRS with their personal information more than they trust Google and Facebook. 

- Of course the NSA and IRS get most of our personal information from Google and Facebook so it's pretty much a wash. 

*****

President Obama says that 7.1 million Americans signed up for heath insurance online, but critics say the number is "grossly inflated". 

- "Grossly inflated"...That's how Marie Osmond describes herself on the commercials before she lost 50 pounds on Nutrisystem!  

*****

The new trend on social media is the after-sex-selfie. 

- How is a guy supposed to take a picture of himself when he's sound asleep? 

- For people without a partner, the shots are called "After-Sex-With-My-Selfies". 

*****

Willie Nelson's pet Armadillo was returned after being kidnapped. 

- Willie said he hopes whoever took the Armadillo spends a lot of time in the joint...or smokes a lot of joints. It was one of those. 

- Turns out the Armadillo wasn't kidnapped...it just got the munchies and it was a long walk to Taco Bell. 

*****

80 year old "Today Show" star Willard Scott married Paris Keena, his girlfriend of 11 years on Monday. 

- Willard says he hopes they both live long enough for him to wish her a "Big Smucker's Jelly Happy Birthday" when she turns 100! 

*****

New Jersey police have begun ticketing people who are caught behind the wheel eating and driving. 

- Apparently putting on mascara is okay, but eating a burger...not so much. 

- So instead of donut shops, cops will now be hanging out at restaurants with drive-thrus. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast! (#116)!

-Dick

Holy Moses...Is This Really The Holy Grail?

A pair of historians claim to have found the Holy Grail - the cup Jesus reportedly used during the Last Supper - at a Church in Spain. The chalice has been dated back to the time that Jesus walked the earth. The original cup was made of onyx (the brown bowl part) and sometime later was encased in jeweled encrusted gold.  

- Some archeologists are suspicious, saying  the "Dishwasher & Microwave Safe" stamp on the bottom seems a bit off. 

*****

Another twist in the missing Malaysian airliner story... Now Government officials have revised the last words transmitted before Flight 370 went off the grid. They now say instead of, "All right, good night." the actually words were "Good night, Malaysian three-seven-zero." 

- Apparently their PR guy is the same one who handled the Benghazi talking points. 

- There haven't been this many plot twists since "As The World Turns" was on the air. 

*****

James Clapper, the Director of National Intelligence, has admitted that despite denials by the White House, the NSA did spy on American citizens emails, social media posts and phone calls. 

- So it's true! The government does have your recipe for low-fat meatloaf! 

- No wonder I never got the money from that guy in Nigeria! The NSA stole my email and my 6 million dollars!

*****

A 68 year old man was arrested in a Virginia National Park for pleasuring himself while doing yoga, then throwing a dead animal at a passing car, then going back to yoga and pleasuring himself again. 

- I thought Yoga was supposed to calm you down! 

- I was totally okay with the story until I read about the throwing the dead animal part. 

*****

A parrot - this is true - has been moved out of public view at a Garden & Animal Center in Great Britain after it began repeatedly spewing expletives at customers and their kids. 

- There's a Soupy Sales' parrot joke in there somewhere...

*****

Speaking of Soupy Sales, scientists at The Ohio State University say that humans are capable of making 21 different facial expressions. 

- Except for Joan Rivers and Bruce Jenner who can only make one a piece.  

- One of the expression is labeled "The You Gotta Be Kidding Me Face" which popped up when people found out they had to refer to OSU as THE Ohio State University. 

*****

French farmers are feeding their cows red wine to make the meat more tender. 

- This is gonna make "Cow Tipping" a whole lot easier. 

- Farmers are also feeding wine to chickens...but of course it's white wine since it goes so much better with poultry. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

My Last Blog...

IT'S APRIL FOOLS DAY! Or as Mark Twain famously said:

"This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four."

*****

So what's considered the best April Fool's Prank of all time??? 

On April 1, 1957 the British news show Panorama broadcast a three-minute segment about a bumper spaghetti harvest in southern Switzerland. The success of the crop was attributed both to an unusually mild winter and to the "virtual disappearance of the spaghetti weevil." The show's highly respected anchor discussed the details of the spaghetti crop as viewers watched video footage of a Swiss family pulling pasta off spaghetti trees and placing it into baskets. The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest hoax generated an enormous response. Hundreds of people phoned the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this query the BBC diplomatically replied, "Place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best." 

*****

Congrats to the Tigers for winning their home opener against the KC Royals 4-3! 

*****

Comic book hero Batman turns 75 today. 

- He's still behind the wheel of the Batmobile, but it's left-turn signal is always on and he goes 45mph on the freeway. 

- At his age, he needs Viagra to use the Bat Pole. 

*****

China announced plans to cover the world in surveillance cameras. 

- The program is known as "Moo Goo Spy Cam". 

- Wouldn't it be cheaper to just hack into the NSA's video system? 

*****

Lady Ga-Ga was caught using the men's room at a Broadway theater during a break in the show "Of Mice and Men".

- Luckily Rosie O'Donnell and Rachel Maddow were standing by the stalls at the time and told her she was in the wrong bathroom. 

*****

Grandparents are being told by the USDA to read "Government Bedtime Stories" to their Grandkids to encourage them to eat healthy. 

- Some of the Government stories include: "I Love You Only This Much...Because Portion Control is Important!", "Curious George Got In Big Trouble For Eating a Cookie!" and "Green Eggs & Ham Will Give You a Heart Attack Someday". 

*****

Some Deaf People in California who were given a special number to call to sign up for Obamacare were instead directed to a Phone Sex line. 

- If they thought the sex line was expensive, wait until they see their health care premiums. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Hot Dog! It's Opening Day!!!

There are lots of so-called "Harbingers of Spring"...A Robin in your front yard, moving the clocks forward an hour, and this year - actually being thrilled to see your brown, dead lawn - just because it isn't snow!

But nothing says "Spring" like OPENING DAY! And it's finally here! With a new manager and a new line-up, the Tigers take to the field at Comerica Park today to face the Kansas City Royals. Game Time: 1:08pm. Justin Verlander on the mound. 

In honor of the Big Day, I'm posting this video song salute to of our "Boys of Summer"...from their humble beginning back in 1896 right up to today. 

GO GET 'EM TIGERS!

*****

In other Sports News... things didn't go so well for Michigan and Michigan State this weekend with both teams being knocked out of the NCAA "March Madness" Championship Tournament.  But hey, we were the only state to have Two...yes TWO...teams represented!  For that alone, they deserve our Congratulation! 

And we've uncovered some good news! As you know, President Obama picked State to win the whole shebang. Well guess what? Thru connections in Washington, we received a statement this morning from the President reading: "Despite being eliminated from the tournament, If you'd like to believe that MSU made it to the Final Four, You can keep believing that MSU made it to the Final Four!" 

- It's good to be the President! 

*****

A poll by Travel Magazine found that 71% of Greeks believe that their country invented sex. 

- Which is ridiculous since we all know sex was invented by Al Gore!

*****

Tomorrow is April Fool's Day. 

- Or as Justin Bieber calls it..."Tuesday". 

*****

NYU researchers say that married men are fatter than single men. 

- Their weight isn't actually any different, the married guys just don't try to hold their stomachs in anymore. 

*****

Partridge Family and "Oklahoma" star Shirley Jones say she plans on skydiving to celebrate her  80th Birthday. 

- I hope she realizes the wind is gonna come sweepin' up a lot more than just the plain. 

*****

Have a great day...GO TIGERS...and I'll see you back here tomorrow! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #115: "Potholes, Photo-Ops, & P. Diddy"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and a brand new "Pothole Podcast!" (Our 115th Podcast - but only the 3rd since the Pothole invasion!)

The crumbling roads reminded me of something the great comic actor Walter Matthau once said to me when he was a guest as I was filling in for Bill Kennedy. You'll have to listen to hear it, but think Germany in the 1940s. 

Then Jackie and I are "saved by the bell" so to speak, when she gets our traditional "It-Wouldn't-Be-a-Podcast-Without-One-Of-Us-Getting-a-Phone-Call" phone call, in this case, from a friend of hers out East. (No...it's not Anthony Weiner. He just tweets her.)

Next things really "pick-up" with a discussion about Hookers in Amsterdam which somehow - inexplicably - leads us to the memorable comments Jackie's 3rd or 4th grade teacher made about her during a parent-teacher conference. 

We also talk about Jackie's (alleged) lack of athletic prowess and I'll tell you about a sporting event where she beat me - and what that eventually led to for me. (Does she feel guilty? Yup! It's Jackie...she always feels guilty!)

While were on the subject of daughters, I tell you how an invitation to a Thanksgiving dinner led Gail and I to name our 4th daughter "JoAnne". Who did we name her after? You'll have to listen to find out. 

We also list the highest paid people in television (no, JoAnne isn't one of them...unfortunately!) and what they make. Plus...with the passing of two NFL team owners in the same week - William Clay Ford of the Lions and Ralph Wilson of the Buffalo Bills (Both Detroiters!) I'll tell you what each of them paid for their for respective teams more than 50 years ago...and what the Bills are worth today. It will astound you! 

Finally, Jackie and I give our theories on the still-missing Malaysian Flight 370 and more importantly, we cover P. Diddy's decision to change his name back to Puff Daddy. 

So take your mind off the Potholes by falling into Podcast #115!  (32:52)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with a special Opening Day Edition of the blog! 

-Dick

They Ought To Erect A Monument To This Thing...

It was 16 years ago today that Viagra was approved for use in the United States. 

- And men have been giving it a standing ovation ever since. 

- It was created by drug giant Pfizer, not some "start-up" company like you might expect. 

- To honor the event, Congress was going to fly all flags at half-staff...but that seemed to defeat the purpose. 

*****

President Obama is in Vatican City meeting with Pope Francis. 

- The President will spend most of his time keeping the Secret Service agents away from the Communion Wine Cabinet. 

*****

Oprah will appear at the Palace in September as part of her women's empowerment "The Life You Want" weekend" tour.

- Most people want "The Life Oprah Has" but chances are good they're not gonna get it.

Tickets start at $99, but for just $1000 you can get a "meet and greet" with Oprah.

- So you get "empowered" and you bank account gets "devoured".

*****

There's a new app called RunPee that alerts you to the best times to go to the bathroom during movies, so you won't miss anything important. It tells you how many minutes into the film you should go, a sample of the dialogue to listen for prior to your "Pee Break", and will even set off an alarm for you. 

- It's the #1 app on the market!

- I entered "The Lone Ranger" on the app and it said "Pee Before Movie Starts...And Stay In Bathroom Til It Ends...Kemosabe". 

*****

A Gubernatorial candidate in Massachusetts fought through intense pain and actually passed a kidney stone during a televised debate with one of his rivals. 

- Usually it's the people watching the debate who feel like they're passing a kidney stone. 

- He's hasn't even been elected and he's already passed more than the U.S. Congress. 

*****

- Sources say the pilot of the doomed Malaysian Jet was mentally unfit to be flying a plane. He was reported upset that his wife was leaving him and he was having problems with his mistress. 

- Both women were annoyed that he never stopped and asked for directions! 

*****

Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband Chris Martin of the band "Coldplay" are calling it quits after 10 years of marriage. But Gwyneth won't call it "Divorce"...she calls it "Conscious Uncoupling". 

- And we're not having a "Lousy Spring", we're having a "Deeply Committed Winter". 

*****

Private businesses in Russia have banned President Obama from shopping in their stores. 

- Well there goes his shopping trip to "The Home Dacha" and "Toys Czar Us!". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a BRAND NEW Podcast! (#115)

-Dick

"We Begin Getting Bombed In Five Minutes..."

Three Secret Service officers have been put on administrative leave after a night of heavy drinking that left one passed out in a hotel hallway, just hours before they were to begin "protecting" President Obama in Amsterdam. 

- Hey...at least they didn't hire any prostitutes like the Secret Service guys in Colombia did! 

*****

Meanwhile President Obama says he's much more concerned about a nuclear detonation in Manhattan than he is about Vladimir Putin. 

- So he's worried about NYC getting bombed while his Secret Service guys are getting bombed in Amsterdam. 

- Speaking of Vladimir Putin, he's officially changing the name of "Ukraine" to "MyKraine". 

*****

It's official...Weather experts now confirm that the majority of the U.S. has experienced the coldest October through March since 1912. That's 102 years. 

- At this rate, Kwame Kilpatrick is gonna get "Sprung" before Spring does. 

- The record for the coldest winter in Washington D.C. was set in 1998 when Hilary found out about Monica. 

****

With March 31st looming, the Obama Administration has extended the deadline for signing up for Obamacare until mid-April. It's supposed to be for people who tried to sign up but couldn't complete the process, but the administration says they won't check to see if people are telling the truth. 

- It's only fair. If the Prez doesn't have to tell the truth about Obamacare, why should we? 

- This thing has changed deadlines more often than Taylor Swift changes boyfriends. 

*****

Justin Bieber unveiled a series of new tattoos on Instagram, including one that reads: "I Love Korea". 

- Another example that his career is going to the dogs. 

- Move over Dennis Rodman! It's time for a little "Bad Pop Music Diplomacy"! 

*****

Researchers say that bad posture caused by playing games and texting on your cell phone can lead to cardiovascular problems and an early death. 

- It's so bad engaged couples are changing their vows to "'Til Angry Birds Do Us Part". 

*****

Massachusetts is considering a law that would make it illegal for divorced couples to have sex if they still live together. 

- But isn't "Make-Up Sex" the best kind? 

*****

Former TV star "Judge Joe Brown" was sentence to five days in jail after his violent outburst in a courtroom during a real life custody case. 

- The guys he sent to the slammer are REALLY looking forward to catching up with him in the yard!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

A Special Day For Two Divas!

Two big Celebs are celebrating birthdays today. Our own Aretha Franklin is 72 and Elton John turns 67.

- So hats off to Aretha! Seriously...Aretha...take off the hat!!!

- Aretha no longer wants R-E-S-P-E-C-T, she want L-I-P-I-T-O-R.

- At his age, Elton can only become the "Rocket Man" if he takes Viagra.

*****

After two weeks of searching, Malaysia's Prime Minister says the missing plane plunged into the Indian Ocean. 

- He has no evidence...he's just tired of watching coverage of the search on Malaysia's 24-Hour News Channel, MNN. 

- Although Amelia Earhart's plane disappeared over the Pacific, he swears her plane plunged into the Indian Ocean as well. 

*****

Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner announced that he's writing a monthly column for Business Insider. 

- You'll find it in the "Pop-Up" section of the newspaper. 

- Each "column" will be exactly 140 characters long and will include a "very special photo" of Anthony! 

*****

Disney will mark the 50th Anniversary of "It's a Small World" by sponsoring a world wide sing-a-long on April 10th. 

- "It's a Small World" unless you're a member of the search team on the Indian Ocean. 

- Meanwhile Vladimir Putin has released a Russian remake of the song called, "It's My World After All". 

*****

Former President Jimmy Carter, who admitted he believes the NSA is spying on him, says he uses the regular U.S. Mail to keep the government from knowing his business. 

- It also keeps the person the letter's addressed to from knowing his business since chances are good the mailman will lose the letters. 

*****

- A male teacher in California returned from Spring Break as a female undergoing transgender surgery. 

- Look for him in the upcoming "Guys-Becoming-Girls Gone Wild!" video. 

- For the kids' sake, I hope he's not the Sex-Ed teacher. 

- Am I the only one hoping he/she doesn't post his/her "Vacation Photos" on Facebook? 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here on Wednesday! 

-Dick

How SWEET It Is!!!

Congrats to U of M and MSU...both bound for the Sweet Sixteen next weekend! Go Blue! Go Green! And let the March Madness continue! 

*****

Speaking of "March Madness"...Ukraine's leaders are accusing Vladimir Putin of wanting to take over their whole country. 

- It looks like we have another "Cold War" on our hands...not counting the dreaded Polar Vortex which looks like it's returned as well. 

*****

Former President Jimmy Carter says he believes the NSA is spying on him too. 

- He was tipped off by a giant rabbit he ran into while he was ice fishing. 

*****

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are on the cover of Vogue in their pre-wedding Wedding gown and tux. Kermit and Miss Piggy released a spoof cover. 

- The fact is, Kim's had more hands up her skirt than Miss Piggy.  

- The two old men in the balcony said they prefer the Miss Piggy cover since she has more realistic fake boobs than Kim. 

*****

New research says that sleep deprivation damages intelligent brain cells. 

- So basically Keith Richards hasn't slept since he took a nap between sets at Woodstock. 

- Now insomniacs have something else to lie awake all night worrying about. 

*****

A Florida man was arrested after drinking 10 Jaegermeister shots, punching a 70 year old man in the nose and starting a fire in the bar bathroom one recent afternoon.   

- The 70-year-old was so mad he flipped the guy the early "Bird" special. 

*****

In an effort to find the missing plane, Malaysian officials plan on asking the U.S. for undersea surveillance help. 

- Why don't they ask Edward Snowden? He seems to know everything. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #114: "Here's Just A 'Sample' Of What You'll Hear..."

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the first weekend of Spring!!! Today I offer up an encore of the Podcast we put up last Friday. Why? I got a lot of emails about it and wanted to give those of you who didn't hear it a chance to check it out. Next question: Why so many emails? Well, Podcast #114 features two hilarious "Everything You Wanted To Know About Trying To Get Pregnant But Were Afraid To Ask" stories. One from former "Purtan's Person" Joe Noune, and the other from my daughter Jackie. 

Both Joe and Jackie's then-husband had to have their "Michael Phelps" counted (if you catch my drift) and though their experiences were different...they are both hysterical. Who knew "giving a sample" could be so complicated? 

What's NOT complicated is listening to the Podcast! Just click on either of the links on this page and voila! You can "sample" it for yourself!

Have a great Spring Weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular Blog! 

-Dick 

Spring Fever & March Madness!

Spring officially arrives at 12:57pm today. That means it's time to put away my fur-lined sneakers and pull out the old black socks and sandals!!! 

*****

Today also marks the beginning of "March Madness"...and both Spartan and Wolverine basketball fans will be glued to their TV's. #4 seed MSU takes on #13 Delaware at 4:40pm. Then at 7:10pm, #2 seeded Michigan faces #15 Wofford. GO GREEN AND GO BLUE!!!

*****

President Obama picked MSU to win the NCAA Tournament. 

- Before you get too excited...this is the same guy who said "If you like your Doctor, you can keep your Doctor".

- Just to tick Obama off, Vladimir Putin picked U of M...the University of Moscow. 

- Obama's very experienced when it comes to basketball. He's been jumping through hoops trying to get people to sign up for Obamacare for months now. 

*****

A Urologist in Texas says that more men get vasectomies during "March Madness" than any other time of the year. He claims the guys time-it so they can "recover" while watching nonstop basketball. 

- This gives a whole new meaning to the "Tip Off"...no wait, that's a circumcision. 

- If only we could get more professional basketball players to get vasectomies, Father's Day would be so much less confusing!

*****

Osama Bin Laden's son-in-law claims he warned Bin Laden that the U.S. wouldn't stop until it killed him, but he replied "You're being too pessimistic." 

- It's that kind of positive thinking that earned Bin Laden the Presidency of the "Secret Pakistani Hideout Optimist Club". 

- More proof that Osama was a "The Camel's Hump is Half Full" kind of guy.

*****

Starbucks has announced that it will begin selling a new Chai Tea named after Oprah Winfrey. 

- They say it's has a robust flavor and gives off a pleasing "new car smell". 

Execs say Starbucks will also begin serving Alcohol in it's stores during the evening hours. 

- Finally! Somewhere you can get a paper cup of wine for just $27.50!

*****

A school principal in Hempstead, Texas was fired for telling students to speak English instead of Spanish. 

- You can hear her message by calling the school and pressing #1 for Spanish, and #2 for English. 

*****

In Touch magazine released more names from Lindsay Lohan's list of men she's slept with, including Ashton Kutcher, Benicio del Toro and Ryan Phillippe. 

- So now we know three more guys who are taking penicillin. 

- Wouldn't it be easier for her to hand out a list of guys she hasn't slept with? 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

The Winter Of 2014: So Long Sucka!

TODAY IS THE LAST DAY OF WINTER!!!!! I REPEAT...TODAY IS THE LAST DAY OF WINTER!!!!!

*****

Vladimir Putin issued a list of Americans who are not allowed to visit Russia as a response to U.S. Sanctions. 

- Well there goes the annual Purtan family trip to Moscow to take pics of the grandkids next to an embalmed Lenin under glass. 

- Basically the only American NOT on the list is Eric Snowden. 

*****

Katie Holmes was spotted at Disney World taking pictures with tourists. 

- She did refuse to go on "It's a Small World" because it reminds her of Tom Cruise.

*****

This is the date the swallows traditionally return to the San Juan Capistrano Mission in California. 

- And boy are their arms tired. 

- Unfortunately one of the birds didn't make it. He fell off the radar about an hour after he took off and nobody can find him. 

*****

The White House's executive pastry chef has resigned. 

- I guess it just wasn't any fun making "Cauliflower Cupcakes".

*****

A study by the University of Toronto says that saturated fat doesn't lead to heart disease.

- The study was funded by Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. 

*****

An 88-year old mobster is accused of bullying his neighbors at a Florida nursing home. 

- He told one woman she'd soon be sleeping with her great grandson's pet fishes. 

- What's he gonna do? Hire two guys to break someone's hip? 

*****

TV Infomercial star Kevin Trudeau has been sentenced to 10 years in the slammer for scamming millions of consumers with his fake medical cures, financial tips and weight loss books. 

- Trudeau panicked when the judge said "But Wait...There's More!!!"

- When he heard the sentence he immediately dropped two pounds...of course that was just "water weight". 

- Look for his new book "How To Turn The Prison Commisary Into Your Own Cash Cow!" coming soon. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Maize & Blues...But No Booze!

The University of Michigan says it won't allow alcohol at their football games next year. 

- Fans will compensate by starting their tailgate parties 3 hours earlier. 

- THE Ohio State University Football Team was going to ban booze in their Stadium as well, but the players said they refused to play in an empty house. 

*****

Joe Biden is in Poland to reassure our allies that Russia won't be allowed to make any more land grabs. 

- Polish residents said with Biden's presence they are no longer afraid. They're terrified.

- Biden said he won't let the Russians put a foot in Poland. But added that if the German's show up...they're on their own.  

***** 

A 4.4 magnitude Earthquake struck Los Angeles this morning. 

- This is what happens when Kirstie Alley and Michael Moore get together at Denny's for breakfast. 

*****

Guinness pulled out of New York City's St. Patrick's Day Parade, citing the exclusion of gay marchers. 

- I guess they think gay guys should have the chance pee along the parade route just like everybody else.

- Parade officials said they will allow Gays to march in the Parade next year...but only if they're dressed as Leprechauns. 

*****

The search continues for the missing Malaysian Airliner in the Indian Ocean. 

- This plane is turning out to be harder to find than relatives at a Kim Jong Un Family Reunion. 

*****

Game of Thrones actress Sibel Kekelli says there should be more male nudity on her show.

- Well that would certainly point the show in a new direction.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick  

MSU Win Over UofM Puts The "Green" In St. Patrick's Day

#22 ranked MSU stunned #8 ranked Michigan yesterday by claiming the Big Ten Tournament Title in a 69-55 victory.  Both teams head into "March Madness" later this week. 

*****

Happy St. Patrick's Day to all Irishman and Irishwomen celebrating today! 

- Since there is virtually no chance of you remembering what we put in today's blog, we're just going to repost the same stuff tomorrow! For now, here's one of the classic Irish ditties!

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LITTLE KNOWN IRISH FACTS: 

- The expression "May The Wind Be Always At Your Back" originated in 1632 after Irishman  Donny O'Donnell had a bit too much cabbage with his corned beef. 

- Not all Irishmen drink Beer on St. Patrick's Day. Some of them drink Whiskey instead. 

- O'prah Winfrey is not really Irish. 

- Kissing the Blarney Stone won't necessarily bring you luck, but it might get you a nasty case of herpes, depending on who kissed it, before you did. 

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- Secretary of State John Kerry says that if Russia doesn't reverse its course in Ukraine by the end of the day today, there will be serious economic repercussions. 

- Translation: John and his billionaire wife Theresa Heinz Kerry will start buying their Caviar from some other country. 

*****

A study shows that 68% of High Schools in the US are doing away with school dances. 

- Officials say it's just an extension of their current policy of doing away with school education. 

- Father's everywhere are disappointed that this Spring's "Daddy-Daughter Twerkathon" is a no-go. 

- So now nerds and geeks can stay home and play video games like they do every Friday night without wasting time being rejected by a cheerleader. 

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Saudi Arabia issued a list of 50 names new parents are banned from naming their newborns. The list includes Alice, Benjamin and Sandy. 

- Approved names on the list include Mohammed, Mohammed and Mohammed. 

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Lady Ga-Ga hired a "vomit artist" to throw up on her costume at the SXSW music festival. 

- It was kind of like the famous "meat dress" she wore...but this time it was partially digested. 

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Have a great St. Patrick's Day...celebrate safely...and I'll see you back here O'Tuesday. 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #114: "We Did This On The Sperm Of The Moment"...

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and a brand spanking new Podcast! Today former "Purtan's Person" Joe Noune joins Jackie and me at the Purtan Dining Room table for some R&R - and by that I mean "Riveting and Rollicking" conversation. 

First up, we'll tell you about a new scientific breakthrough to eliminate genetic diseases that involves using not two, but three people to make one baby. (The technique was inspired by some great reproductive research pioneers: The guests on "The Jerry Springer Show".)

I'll also explain how Vladimir Putin became the Uber Oprah Winfrey of Mother Russia after the Sochi Olympics. (He's not only handing out free cars...but a new country as well!) and we'll share the amazing story of a blind woman who's being kicked out of her nudist-colony-condo-complex because her Seeing Eye Dog is too tall. It may sound like a bunch of shitzu, but it's true, and we'll get to the bottom...(or maybe it's the front) of why it's happening! 

And speaking of true stories, Joe and Jackie both recount (so to speak) the harrowing experiences they went through when it came time to try to have a baby. (No...not together!) Let's just say when it came time to play "Count the Sperm", Joe completely misunderstood the concept of having someone "take his sample" (although he did entertain a lot of nurses). And Jackie and her then-husband, who were living in NYC at the time, were forced to buy one of "those magazines", hold a public unisex bathroom hostage, and lie to small children all in an effort to get their sample in the right hands.

So drop what your doing and join us for a conversation that goes along quite "swimmingly" in Podcast #114!  (

Have a great weekend, and I'll see you back here Monday - St. Patrick's Day - with my regular O'Blog! 

-Dick

31% Of Christians Have No Idea It's Your Nephew's Birthday...

A survey found that 31% of Christians have given up Social Media for lent. 

- Let's see if we can get 100,000 "Likes" for this on Facebook! 

- This is explains the 31% decrease in pictures of "cute cats" and must-try pot roast recipes on my newsfeed. 

- It's led to a new medical condition called PTSD...Post Twitter Stress Disorder. 

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A pastor in Tennessee has started a website aim at guilting church goers into tipping better at restaurants. 

- I can see it now... "Tip 20% Or This May Be Your Last Supper!"

- One parishioner said he'll start tipping 50%...the day his waiter starts turning water into wine. 

- The news has really excited employees at the local "Waffle House Of Worship" and "Burger King of Kings". 

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Publishing sources say that Keith Richards is writing a Children's Book.  

- At least they think it's a children's book...they can't read his handwriting. 

- The working title is "Hey, Hey, You Kids...Get Offa My Lawn!"

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Texas US Representative Sheila Jackson Lee took to the house floor Wednesday and declared that the Constitution is 400 years old.

- I think she meant to say that Keith Richards is 400 years old. 

- We should have known she wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed when she asked to be sworn into Congress using the "Steve Gutenberg Bible". 

*****

Wildlife officials in India are giving birth control pills to monkeys. 

- They tried other methods of contraception, but the male monkeys kept putting the condoms on their bananas. 

- PETA's gonna go Ape when they hear about this one. 

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The FDA approved a nerve stimulating headband as the first medical device to prevent headaches. 

- Men everywhere are now asking their wives to put on a  teddy with a matching nerve stimulation headband."

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Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a Shiny New Podcast! (#114).

-Dick

I Don't Know About You...But I'm Ready For Some "Climate Change"!

The latest blast of Winter may be fraying everyone's nerves, but's it's also led to the release of a whole slew of new country songs. Here's just a sample...

"If Mother Nature Ain't Happy...Ain't Nobody Happy" 

"I'm Dreaming of a White St. Patrick's Day"

"Take This Job and Shovel It"

"All I've Got Is A Pothole To Pee In"

*****

McGraw-Hill launched  "Government in Action" video game for school children. 

- The game features a bunch of clowns running around in circles doing nothing. 

- If kids say they don't like the game, their parents automatically get audited by the IRS. 

*****

An Iranian government official has accused the United States of "Kidnapping" the missing Malaysian 777 airplane. 

- Apparently he thinks two guys in masks drove up to 35,000 feet and forced the plane to get into a flying unmarked van at gunpoint. Makes perfect sense to me. 

*****

Tomorrow, Denver will host a "Job Fair" for the Marijuana industry. 

- Organizers expect the turnout to be extremely high. 

- There are jobs in the Marijuana industry? And I thought the economy was going to Pot. 

- Seminars include: "Printing Your Resume On Rolling Papers" and "Effectively Blowing Smoke Up Your Bosses Butt".

*****

In Oregon, an angry house cat trapped a family inside a bedroom, forcing the dad to call 911. 

- Then his kids used the phone to order his "My Dad Is A Total Wuss" coffee mug for Father's Day. 

- Animal experts say this marks the first time a house cat has done...well, anything to be honest. 

*****

A Chinese man underwent surgery to remove a toy whistle that he swallowed as a small child. 

- Actually, doctors found two whistles. Apparently he got hungry again an hour after he ate the first one. 

- The bad news is, he's been fired as his job as a referee. 

*****

Have a great day, drive & shovel safely, and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Another Loss For The Lions... Only This Time It's The Boss.

RIP...William Clay Ford, Sr. who passed away Sunday night at the age of 88. Ford owned the Detroit Lions for 50 years and the team never gave him a Championship. 

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Thanks for all the Facebook comments and emails about the picture of me with my new "Hip" goatee-mustache-and-just-rolled-out-of-bed-hair that we posted last Friday. Most of you seem to like the "new look" but to be honest I wasn't that crazy about it (and neither was my wife). So I combed my hair, snapped  a pic with the goat-stache for "Pos-Hairity" and shaved it off. All that remains now is my usual mustache...So I'm back to almost full facial nudity and off the terrorist lookalike list. Oh well...it was fun while it lasted! 

***** 

55-year-old Prince dazzled a crowd of about 1000 people over the weekend with a 3 hour and 45 minute concert. But before starting, he asked the crowd to put away their cell phones saying "You can't get down with technology in your hand". 

- Basically, he just wanted people to go back to partying like it was 1999. 

*****

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford told his Twitter followers to set their clocks back an hour over the weekend instead of setting them ahead like they were supposed to. 

- It makes sense...he spends every Saturday night "Falling Back". Or just plain falling down. 

- In his defense, he said it was an honest mistake and, oh yeah, he was incredibly intoxicated at the time.

*****

North Korean Election Officials announced that Kim Jong Un received 100% of the vote in the recent election there. Amazingly, his father Kim Jong Ill had the same election results. 

- I guess some things just run in the family. 

- He thanked his staff and then to celebrate, he killed two uncles, three cousins and a couple of old girlfriends. 

*****

A study by TiqIQ found that the Rolling Stones have the highest average ticket price at $624. 

- Once again, young people are being asked to pay for the staggering health care costs of the elderly. 

*****

Have a great day...enjoy the extra hour of daylight...and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick