Governor Whitmer says that we should not expect to see full-capacity Stadiums this fall because of the Virus.

- Well it’s good to see SOMETHING’s getting back to normal. We’re certainly used to the Lions NOT playing up to their full capacity.

*****

Rosie O’Donell says she’s going stir-crazy in Quarantine and has eaten about 20 boxes of Pop Tarts since the Lockdown started and posted the picture below.

- Dontcha just hate those people who can binge on junk food and still look GREAT???

*****

Police in West Bloomfield found a horse standing in the middle of Middlebelt Road near Maple Road early this morning.

- So we finally know why the Chicken crossed the road… Because he was Smarter than the Horse.

*****

Dennis Rodman says that the first time he was invited to North Korea, Kim Jong Un said, “We asked Michael Jordan to come but he wouldn’t come so we asked you.”

- Kim may have a bad haircut… but he’s one smooth operator!

*****

Despite almost daily technical glitches and mis-speaks, Joe Biden’s campaign says he’ll - indefinitely - continue campaigning from his Basement. (True!)

- This is exactly the “arrangement” our family had with my Ex-Brother-in-Law Joe. We wouldn’t let him out of the basement either.

*****

Astrologers around the globe are saying that they knew the Pandemic was coming as early as January.

- Well then WHY DIDN’T THEY SAY SOMETHING???

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

A US District Judge has ruled that Strip Clubs - including “Little Darlings” in Flint - are entitled to money under the “Small Business” bailout.

- I wouldn’t exactly call 36 Double D’s “Small Business”.

*****

RIP… Jerry Stiller of “Stiller & Meara” and later, Frank Costanza, George’s father on “Seinfeld” has died at the age of 92. He finally got his wish. Serenity Now! Sererity Now!

*****

It’s National Limerick Day!

There once was a sweet girl named Iris

Who was dating a fellow named Cyrus,

Though he thought she was HOT,

“Canoodle” they could not…

Except on Zoom - because of the Virus!

*****

To promote her new album “Chromatica”… Lady Gaga is selling hot pink Jock Straps and Thongs over the internet.

- With all the songs I played on the air over the years, I always considered myself a bit of a Thong and Dance man.

*****

Singer Adele posted a pic of herself showing off an incredible 40 pound weight loss.

- To celebrate, she’s releasing a “Trimmed down” version of her hit “Hello”. It’s called “Hi”.

*****

53 year old Mike Tyson reportedly called 57 year old Evander Holyfield to discuss the possibility of the two of them Boxing again to raise money for Charity.

- Evander said Mike kept him on the phone for two hours adding, “That guy can really chew your ear off”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Residents of Thailand are so obsessed with their pets that they rushed out to Pet Salons as soon as the city’s lockdown eased… and Dogs were seen wearing nail polish and dresses.

- I’m betting the first dogs to get their hair done were the Gray Hounds.

*****

Cops pulled over a 19 year old man on an Ontario Freeway who taking his Dad’s car on a Joyride… going 191 MILES PER HOUR.

- You gotta admire the Mountie… and the HORSE… who caught up with him.

*****

The late Dean Martin's daughter says her Dad will appear “In Concert” as a Hologram in Las Vegas starting in 2021.

- Dean agreed to do it to pay off his Bar bills.

*****

Officials in Israel floated the idea of implanting Microchips in more than one MILLION school children to monitor their “social distancing”.

- A lot of you will remember the good old days when instead of a Microchip, the Nuns were on hand at the school dances telling everyone to “Leave Room for Jesus!”

*****

The scientist who made dire Virus predictions prompted Boris Johnson to lock down Britain resigned Tuesday after being criticized for breaking his own calls for social distancing so he could rendevous with his married lover.

- Thus the expression, “Do As I Say… Not WHO I Do”. 

*****

With the Southern Border closed during the Pandemic, some Mexicans are joining Canadians who are trying to enter the US through Canada.

- The Border Guards can tell ‘em apart because all the Mexicans are wearing Soccer jerseys and the Canadians are wearing Hockey jerseys.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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More and more celebs are passing the hours in lockdown using “Butt Masks” which are supposed to “rejuvenate the skin on your buttocks and reduce Buttne (acne)”.

- You mean I’ve had “Buttne” all these years and didn’t know about it???

- Kim Kardashian ordered two cases on Amazon. That’s one case for each cheek.

*****

Frontier Airlines has reversed it’s decision to charge people $39 to keep the middle seat on their flights empty saying they “never intended to profit over safety concerns”.

- And to prove it, they also discontinued their $49 “We Guarantee You’ll Have a Pilot Flying the Plane” fee.

*****

During yesterday’s Supreme Court hearings - which are being held over the phone due to the Pandemic - an “unidentified person” took a break, and then a loud toilet flush was overheard by everyone on the phone… and the public listening online.

- I’ll bet the perpetrator is wishing Justice was not only Blind… but Deaf too.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Elon Musk has explained why he named his new son “X AE A-12”… tweeting: “X, the unknown variable, AE, my Elven spelling of Ai (love &/or Artificial intelligence), A-12 = precursor to SR-17 (my favorite aircraft) and A is “Archangel” (girlfriends favorite song).”

- That’s exactly what I thought!

*****

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle celebrated their son Archie's first birthday by posting a video of Meghan reading the children's book "Duck! Rabbit!”

- I thought Meghan would have chosen “Curious George Screws The Royal Family”.

*****

The lockdown has cancelled the annual week-long “World Naked Bike Ride” but the Portland, Oregon chapter is encouraging riders to strip down and take a spin on “World Naked Bike Ride DAY” on June 27th.

- How about just calling it the “Schwinn SCHWING!”

- I’m thinking they may end up with more than playing cards caught in the spokes.

*****

Some out-of-work chefs from NYC’s top restaurants are taking new jobs as a “Personal Chef” for BILLIONAIRES during the lockdown.

- I hear Amazon’s Jeff Bezos prefers PRIME Rib.

- Obviously the Billionaires haven’t “Mastered the Microwave” like I have. I don’t want to brag… but I can reheat a half a chicken sandwich in under 10 seconds!

*****

Disney said their profits are down 91 PERCENT from last year because of Park closures due to the Pandemic.

- It’s so bad that all Seven of the Dwarves are now Grumpy.

*****

Barack Obama will deliver a commencement address to all the graduating classes of 2020 in a YouTube special.

- The speech is titled “If You Like Your Diploma… You Can Keep Your Diploma”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

It’s Cinco de Mayo!!! Since we’re all locked inside, this year Cinco de Mayo is gonna be pretty much like Cuatro de Mayo and Seis de Mayo. If you speak Spanish, great. If not… forget about it.

*****

Some out-of-work chefs from NYC’s top restaurants are taking new jobs as a “Personal Chef” for BILLIONAIRES during the lockdown.

- I hear Amazon’s Jeff Bezos prefers PRIME Rib.

- Obviously the Billionaires haven’t “Mastered the Microwave” like I have. I don’t want to brag… but I can reheat some Chicken McNuggets in under 10 seconds!

*****

With the Food Supply Chain partially broken, Costco is the latest retailer to limit the purchase of Beef, Chicken and Pork to three items per member.

- But we can still buy a Palette of Pork RINDS right?

- Hey… Why don’t we all head over to Arby’s because they claim “We Have the Meat!”

*****

A 5-year-old boy who was pulled over driving his parents’ car on a freeway in Utah — told police he left home after arguing with his Mom because she wouldn’t let him buy a Lamborghini.

- This kid is way ahead of me. When I was 5, if I heard the word “Lamborghini” I would have thought we were having some new kind of spaghetti for dinner.

*****

Tom Cruise is reportedly working with NASA and Elon Musk's SpaceX to develop a film shot in Outer Space.

- It will be Tom’s first trip to outer space since he jumped up and down on Oprah’s Couch.

*****

A Russian Government official say a Doctor who complained about being forced to work after testing positive for COVID-19 “Fell out of a Hospital window”… the third Doctor to “ACCIDENTALLY FALL” in the last week.

- Hmmm. Sounds like more Bull… Winkle from the Russians.

*****

48 year old Tesla head Elon Musk and his 32 year old girlfriend welcomed a baby boy over the weekend. His name? “X AE A-12 Musk”.

- They were going to name his “Bob” but they didn’t want him to get teased by the other Celebrity kids.

- Just wait til he’s a teenager. “X AE A-12 MUSK! Just wait til your father gets home!”

- If it had been a girl, they we’re gonna go with Musk, Rat-Susie.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back Wednesday!

-Dick

Six weeks into the “Stay Home” order and things are getting desperate. How desperate? My daughter Jackie sent me this pic this morning…

*****

Michigan State Police ticketed a driver going 180 mph on I-75 in Monroe County… That’s 110 mph over the speed limit.

- He could have avoided the ticket if he’s just told the Cops he was trying to follow the Governor’s order by maintaining "Proper Social Distancing” from the car behind him.

*****

Why did the Dog buy a SmartPhone?

- So he could take Self-Fleas.

*****

Experts predict the Pandemic will change Hotel Stays forever… including the end of the “Mini-Bar”.

- So… It’s safe to sleep on sheets that hundreds - maybe thousands - of people have used but it’s too dangerous to touch the handle of the miniature refrigerator??

- What if we use one of the miniature bottles of vodka to sanitize our hands before we drink all the rest of them??

*****

The Michigan Department of Health and Human Services has introduced a new “Condom Delivery Service” during the COVID-19 outbreak. Just email them and they’ll mail you protection.

- It’s good to know that the government - during these tough times - is there for us when the Rubber meets the Road.

*****

An Iranian man calling himself an Islamic prophetic medicine healer has prescribed drinking camel urine to prevent and cure COVID-19… adding that it must be “fresh and warm” to be effective.

- Feel free to add lemon or some sugar. Whatever you like. One hump or two.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Dentists in France are posting naked pics of themselves online to highlight the need for protective gear.

- Let’s hope the Procotogists don’t get wind of this.

*****

A group of sheep was spotted lined up outside a McDonald’s in Australia that has closed due to COVID-19.

- Usually when Sheep are in the mood for McNuggets they just head on over to the Rooster’s house.

*****

Harrison Ford is under investigation after he “misheard” a traffic control tower instruction and flew his private plane too close to a busy runway.

- Harrison’s 77… I’m thinking maybe “Hans Solo” shouldn’t “Fly Solo” anymore.

*****

Drug manufacturer Pfizer - the makers of Viagra -say they could have a COVID-19 Vaccine ready this Fall.

- It’s good to hear that the company that makes Viagra thinks it’ll have the country Up and Running in no time.

*****

Undercover cops arrested two women in Laredo, Texas, for violating the city's COVID-19 shutdown order by running an undercover hair salon in their home. They face 180 days in jail and a $1000 fine.

- There’s more to the story… but those are the highlights.

*****

Why did the Chicken cross the road?

- Because there was no chance of getting hit by a car because everybody was stuck at home. 

*****

Pandemic Pastime of the Day…

Now that everyone on TV is broadcasting and/or being interviewed from their homes, I find myself getting distracted trying to read the titles of the books on the bookshelves behind them. You too??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Jet Blue has become the first major airline to require passengers to wear facemarks.

- Isn’t that going to make it hard to eat the in-flight meal? Excuse me… I mean the bag of peanuts. Two if you ask REALLY nicely.

*****

According to a Scientific paper, Sharks are “prolific poopers”.

- So THAT’s whose been buying up all the Toilet Paper at Kroger.

*****

Facebook will celebrate America’s graduating Seniors with a live-streaming event on May 15th including a Commencement Address by Oprah Winfrey.

- These kids may not get to walk across the stage… but on a bright note, they’re all getting A NEW CAR!!!!!!

*****

A man in Tennessee who was arrested over the weekend for entering a home wearing a gorilla costume. He told police he’d “entered the wrong house”.

- Somewhere, there’s a woman with a Gorilla fetish and a banana still waiting for her date to show up.

*****

70 year old Richard Gere and his 37 year old girlfriend are the proud parents of a bouncing baby boy.

- Doctors say it’s the first time in history the Mom’s water broke and the Dad broke his hip on the same day.

*****

Experts say one of the best ways to keep from going stir crazy during quarantine is to maintain your normal routine.

- Unless of course your “normal routine” includes leaving the house.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

To give you something to do during the Pandemic… Kodak is selling the World’s Largest Jigsaw Puzzle… with 27 different scenes and 51,300 pieces.

- Well that sounds easily Doable….. If they extend the quarantine for another 15 years.

*****

Meryl Streep wore a bathrobe and drank a martini as she sang a 90th Birthday tribute to composer Steven Sondheim live on TV Sunday night.

- Meryl’s amazing! She slurred her words in 7 different accents!

*****

Quebec Court of Appeal has ruled that A $500,000 debt incurred from three games of “Rock Paper Scissors” is invalid.

- The judges made the decision with a best 2 out of 3 round of Thumb Wrestling.

*****

Nancy Pelosi endorsed Joe Biden for president this morning saying “He’ll make an extraordinary President” because “He never forgets his roots”. 

- He may forget plenty other stuff, but he’s at least he’s got the “roots” thing going for him. 

*****

A man in northern Spain was busted for trying to take advantage of a rule allowing people to leave their homes so their pets could relieve themselves - when he took his pet fish for a walk in its bowl. (True!)

- On a bright note, he didn’t have to use a Pooper-Scooper.

*****

Scientists have discovered a piece of Amber containing a Daddy Long Legs who’s, um, “Nineth Leg” was extended.

- Well, yeah. That’s how he became a Daddy.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Reseachers at a hospital in the Bronx, say men are more adversely affected by the Coronavirus because it hangs out in their… um… “fellas”. 

- The new discovery is known as CAJONE-19. 

*****

Disney may not reopen it’s theme parks until 2021 because “Social Distancing” might be safe - but fewer people in the parks wouldn’t be profitable.

- There will be Preventative measures… Snow White will make Sneezy sleep on the couch and there will be a strict “One Person Per Boat” limit in the “Tunnel of Love”.

*****

A British survey found that 22% of men and 31% of women are finding their partner irritating during isolation… and 12% people stuck indoors with their partner were “re-evaluating” their future together.

- But enough about Bill and Hillary.

*****

A company in Italy has installed a “Traffic Light System” to let workers know when they can and can’t use the bathroom.

- Red means it’s occupied… and Green means you’re good to go.

- The light turns Yellow every time a guy walks out carrying a newspaper.

*****

Connecticut is using high tech drones to monitor people’s temps, detect sneezes and coughs, and monitor social-distancing from the sky.

-This is the most historic “Big Brother” to be in the sky since Orville watched Wilbur take a spin over Kitty Hawk.

*****

To lighten the mood, a farm in Charlotte, NC is renting out “Mambo” - an 8-year-old miniature donkey - to appear in conference calls while people work from home.

- When I was in radio, we used to have a Jack Ass visit our meetings all the time. But instead of “Mambo” we called him “The Program Director”.

*****

Dennis Rodman said that he hopes the unconfirmed report that North Korea’s “Supreme Leader” Kim Jong Un is in grave danger after undergoing heart surgery is 'just a rumor'.

- But just in case… Dennis says he’s already picked out a Dress for the funeral.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

As I mentioned on yesterdays blog, Detroit Radio lost one of it’s greats over the weekend. Robin Seymour - legendary host of WKNR’s “Bobbin’ With Robin” in the 50’s, 60’s and 70’s died at the age of 94. Robin was a great talent and a great guy. When his memoir came out last year, Robin - who lived in California for years - and then years in Texas with his family - called and asked me to write the introduction. I was honored… and a bit surprised! Let me explain… During the years we worked together on Keener, I used to refer to the alley way behind the station as the “Robin Seymour Memorial Freeway”. He never commented on that… but me being me, I assumed he didn’t like it… But of course, kept doing it anyway! When Robin asked me to write the forward for his book - all those years later - I realized… I guess he did!

Robin was a legend - summed up in the book’s title - “The DJ Who Launched a Thousand Hits”. He was part of Top 40 Radio before the term “Top 40” was invented. He was also a giant in music television - hosting the wildly popular dance shows “Teen Time” and “Swingin’ Time” on Channel 9.

Robin will be missed… and hopefully - and deservedly - will be inducted in the National Radio Hall of Fame next year.

*****

A group of sheep was spotted lined up outside a McDonald’s in Australia that has closed due to COVID-19.

- Usually when Sheep are in the mood for Chicken McNuggets they just head over to the hen house.

*****

A popular “Adult” website says it’s seen a 22% surge in traffic since checks to help during the Pandemic started arriving from the Government.

- They don’t call ‘em “Stimulus Checks” for nothin.

*****

From “The More Things Change The More They Stay The Same Department”…

A woman in NY went to Costco and was told her card needed updating. She was inside a cover-up hat, scarf enveloping her chin, high-neck sweater, dark glasses, no makeup and a mask.

They still took her picture.

*****

If you’re looking for something to do during Quarantine… Wash your sheets! An infectious disease doctor says we have tiny mites all over our bodies that feed off dead skin and then “Poop” it all over our sheets.

- Sweet dreams everyone!!

*****

According to a new survey, 50% of families in Lockdown are spending their time playing board games like Monopoly.

- Speaking of “Community Chest”… I wonder how Madonna’s holding up.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

An 18-year-old man was arrested yesterday for trespassing after he broke into Disney World in California which is closed due to the Coronavirus.

- He’s already been tried, convicted, and served his sentence because he had a Fast Pass.

*****

A California woman found a duck egg at a park, hid it in her bra for 35 days and - Voila! - A baby duck hatched.

- Dolly Parton tried this once… but the after it hatched, the duck quacked… “Help… I can’t breathe!”.

*****

Instead of sending them to jail, officials in Indonesia are sentencing people who violate the nations Pandemic Lockdown Order to spend two weeks in a haunted house.

- If they really want to punish people they should sentence them to two weeks at Joy Behar’s house.

*****

Caitlyn Jenner took to instagram to post a video of herself vacuuming her Malibu mansion during Lockdown.

- This is the biggest Eureka moment Caitlyn’s had since she decided she didn’t want to be Bruce anymore.

*****

An unconfirmed report claims North Korea’s Kim Jong Un is said to be in “Grave condition” following heart surgery and may be replaced by his sister.

- For those of you don’t know her… her name is Kim Jong Kim.

- And if you can’t tell her apart from her brother… she’s the better looking one.

*****

RIP… Robin Seymour, Detroit’s original Top 40 DJ who passed away over the weekend at the age of 94. More on Robin tomorrow.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Sales of sex toys have gone up 50% since the lockdown went into effect.

- At least that’s the buzz.

*****

Sites that stream Classical Music have seen a huge influx of subscribers during the Pandemic - as people tune in for the calming effect.

- It’s a great way to relax until things get Bach to normal.

*****

The Palm Beach County Water Utilities Department is begging residents NOT TO USE Baby Wipes after all four pumps at the wastewater pumping facility in Boca Raton ended up clogged at the same time.

- First no Hugs. Now no Huggies. Life just isn’t fair.

- On a bright note… if you’ve happen to have FOUR GIANT PLUNGERS laying around, you could make some serious cash.

*****

Lori Loughlin’s daughters moved out of the family home so they could spend Lockdown away from their Mom.

- Fortunately, Lori was able to pay $500,000 to two other girls to pretend to be her daughters and Quarantine with her.

- Lori spending Isolation just like the rest of us… Cleaning out closets and taking pictures of herself on a rowing machine.

*****

85 year old Shirley MacLaine says she’s spending Lockdown exploring the beginning of Mankind. “I’m here at this time learning how all this started and going into my own interior. It’s my metaphysical language. Totally isolated here, you find your survival, your spiritual meaning”.

- And then she made a grilled cheese sandwich for her lunch with Cleopatra.

*****

Saw this Julie Andrews/Sound of Music Covid-19 video on YouTube. Thought you might be interested in checking it out and even singing along! Enjoy with some tea with jam and bread! Just click on the link!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Democratic insiders are saying that despite attacking each other during the campaign, Joe Biden may pick Elizabeth Warren as his VP running mate.

- It would be a Lone Ranger & Tonto kind of thing.

*****

An artist in Britain has photoshopped a pic of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle to show what their hair might look like in Quarantine.

- We’re all in the same boat. My six daughters say that between them, they have enough “Roots” to start a new family tree on Ancestry.com.

*****

A 64 year old man - who’s family gave him a ride on a jet fighter as a gift - panicked and accidentally ejected himself from the plane mid-flight.

- Experts say it’s not unusual for a 64 year old man to suffer from Premature Eject-u-Lation.

*****

Kim Kardashian stressed the importance of social distancing in a new video posted on California Governor Newsom's Instagram account.

- She said even her husband Kanye West stays six feet away from her. But truth be told, it’s because everytime he tries to get closer, he runs into her butt.

*****

A police department in Maryland posted a message reminding residents to wear Pants when going to the mailbox.

- This gives a whole new meaning to Junk Mail.

*****

According to new research, Flamingos form friendships that last for years, hang out with certain birds in their groups and completely avoid others.

- Ya know… Kinda like High School.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Here’s a pic of a full rainbow that appeared over NYC on Monday. Which brings us to the POSITIVE Pandemic Song of the Day.

“Why are there so many songs about Rainbows?

And what’s on the other side?

Rainbows are Visions… But only Illusions.

And Rainbows have nothing to hide”.

Lyrics courtesy of Kermit T. Frog

*****

Suzanne Somers just released a Podcast in which she gives tips on “Solo Sex” during the Quarantine.

- The Podcast is titled: “How to be Your Own Thigh-Master”.

*****

“The View” has vowed to continue broadcasting despite the Quarantine with all the ladies now broadcasting from their own homes.

- Is there no end to our suffering?

*****

Jeff Bezos earned $24 BILLION this week as Amazon's value hit $1.1 TRILLION because people forced to stay home did more shopping online.

- Bezos may have made $24 BILLION… but I got my toilet paper delivered in TWO DAY for FREE!!!

*****

Empty dumpsters caused by the shutdown of restaurants in New York City has given rise to “Gangs of Mice and Rats” who are taking to the streets to battle each other for food and territory.

- It’s like “West Side Story” but with less dancing.

*****

The Federal Government is being sued for denying aid to some Small Businesses including the “Little Darlings” Strip Club in Flint.

- That according to a recent Pole.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

The company that’s responsible for new Emojis announced it's delaying the new batch because of the Virus - however they assured texters that the “Gender Neutral Santa” will be out by Christmas. (True!)

- I can’t wait to get back to the NORMAL PC KIND of craziness we’re used to in this country.

*****

Business is booming for companies that sell at-home sperm collection kits, thanks in part to questionable fears about COVID-19 reducing fertility.

- The men who are trying this say the In-Home tests really come in Handy.

*****

Yesterday, we had an Easter “Family Get-Together” with my 6 girls, their husbands and all 8 of the grandkids. But this year… we did it on a Video Conference Call on “Zoom”… with everyone in their own houses. It was different for sure, but great at the same time… Mainly because I didn’t have to pay for anyone’s Easter Dinner!!

*****

There’s a new viral pic of a woman in Florida who went grocery shopping wearing a pair underwear on her head as a makeshift coronavirus face mask.

- She got the idea from Kim Kardashian who made a mask for her ENTIRE FAMILY out of one pair of her Spanx.

- I ventured out to Kroger this weekend myself with a mask I made out of my tightie whites… I almost suffocated.

*****

Pandemic Thought for the Day:

Right about now, the TV Show “The Masked Singer” doesn’t seem like such a novel idea anymore does it??

*****

Today’s Pandemic Song of the Day:

In honor of the on-going Toilet Paper shortage… The Beatle’s “Yellow Submarine”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

The Star of the reality show “Sister Wives” who has 4 Wives and 18 Children says “Because of the Pandemic…Normal life has ceased for me”.

- I’m thinking “Normal life” ceased for him the day he married WIFE NUMBER 2.

*****

Governor Whitmer announced that she spoke to the Easter Bunny and told him he’s an “Essential Worker” and still needs to work during the Pandemic.

- To show MY Covid-19 Easter Spirit, tonight for dinner I’m having Welsh Rabbit… excuse me, I meant Rarebit.

*****

A 107-year old Dutch woman has recovered from the coronavirus, probably becoming the oldest survivor of the pandemic in the world.

- Doctors say she’s a “Miracle” and will live a “Long and happy life”. Well… at least it will be Happy.

*****

RealDoll, a Sex Doll company is encouraging people to buy one of their “Silicone Girlfriends” during the lockdown because they’re “Naturally Antibacterial”.

- I can hear it now… “Hey Bob… You’re new girlfriends HOT!” “I know! And she’s Antibacterial!!!”

*****

A woman in Florida was arrested after she hit her husband with a can of Spagehtti-Os.

- No word yet on whether she hit him with a can with the Hot Dogs or the one with the Meatballs.

*****    

Caitlyn Jenner said she’s interested in joining the cast of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”.     

- She’ll fit right in since her boobs are just as fake as the other boobs on the show.  

*****

Pandemic Thought for the Day…

Toilet Paper… You CAN take it with you when you go!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Tuesday night North America experienced the first full moon of Spring - known as the “Pink Super Moon”. The “Pink Super Moon” only occurs once a year.

- Unless you count the times Kim Kardashian drops her pants.

*****

Speaking of Kim… She and her mother, Kris Jenner have teamed up to produce a limited edition perfume in time for Mother’s Day.

- Kim says she’ll team up with her “Other Mom” - Caitlyn Jenner - for a special “You Used to Be My Father’s Day” Fragrance.

*****

As if COVID-19 isn’t stressful enough during the day, sleep experts say many Americans are having their sleep disrupted by “Pandemic Dreams” - which they describe as “Weird, Vivid and Scary”.

- I thought “Weird, Vivid and Scary” were three of the Spice Girls.

*****

Michael Moore says he tried to help Hillary Clinton’s Presidential run by creating a comedy all-star team to write material for her during 2016 but she turned him down.

- Hard to believe she turned him down! When I think COMEDY I think Michael Moore!

*****

Officials at an Animal Theme Park in Hong Kong say that with no visitors to occupy their time, two Giant Pandas - “Ying Ying” and “Le Le” are spending their Quarantine time having sex.

- So we’ve got a Tiger at the Bronx Zoo with the Virus (True) and now we’ve got a Panda-Demic.

*****

In other animal news… Zookeepers say they’re having to comfort animals who are anxious and confused by a lack of visitors to zoos on lockdown, and have become “Emotional Support Humans”.

- Great. Soon they’ll be allowing the animals to take “Emotional Support Humans” on airplanes!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

President Trump and Joe Biden talked on the phone about the Pandemic, with Trump calling Joe “Warm” and “Wonderful”.

- And Joe calling Trump “Bob” and “Dave”.

*****

Health officials released a sketch of what kids who play lots of video games might look like 20 years from now.

- Most of us look like that NOW after two weeks in Quarantine!

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Quarantine Question of the Day: If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is there to hear it because they’re all inside, quarantined, wearing a scarf on their face, watching re-runs of Gomer Pyle, eating a frozen pizza and a box of Ho-Ho’s… does it make a sound?

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World Champion Competitive Eater Joey Chesnut says that if the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest is cancelled because of the Pandemic, he’d be willing to eat hundreds of hot dogs WITHOUT an audience.

- Wow. What a guy! See EVERYONE is making sacrifices!

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It took more than a dozen police officers in Los Angles to break up a gathering of 40 people who broke the cities “Social Distancing Rule” for a 1 year old’s birthday party. 

- It seems like just yesterday when this kind of thing only happened at Chuck E. Cheese. (And trust me, with six daughters and 8 grandkids - I’ve spent A LOT of time at Chuck E. Cheese). 

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Today’s Pandemic Song of the Day…

“Walk on By” by Dionne Warwick

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RIP… All-time Tiger Great Al Kaline who died yesterday at 85.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick