Harvey Weinstein’s attorney says he’s “Doing well and not showing any symptoms” after testing positive for the Coronavirus.     

- Well, other than that pesky 23-year prison sentence… things are really looking up for Harvey!  

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Kanye West announced that the new eco-forward mansion he is building in Wyoming will feature a “Urine Garden”.     

- Let me get this straight… He picks the one time in history when we’re almost out of toilet paper to build a URINE GARDEN??

*****    

The makers of RealDoll silicone sex dolls announced they’ll give one LUCKY winner and the doll of his choice an all expense paid weekend at a luxury hotel.

- They’re gonna save money on the mini-bar and room service since sex dolls don’t eat much.

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After a week of having to clean her own house because of the Pandemic, Bette Midler - whose recently put her apartment up for sale for $50 MILLION - is taking heat for publicly praising “housekeepers around the globe” for the important work they do.

- Apparently Bette only experiences real life “From a Distance”.

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Despite the Stay-at-Home guidelines, Jane Fonda says she’s leaves her house each day to go to the gym and workout.

- Too bad there isn’t a way for her to stay in shape at home, like say a “Jane Fonda Workout Video”.

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Porn streaming service and “casual dating” site Adult FriendFinder is now live-streaming the nuptials  of couples whose wedding plans have been wrecked by the virus. 

- If you think the videos of the wedding are good, wait til you see the Honeymoon. 

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Hunter Biden is a Dad again! It’s his fifth - and the first for his wife Melissa who he married six days after meeting her, just weeks after breaking up with his brother’s widow (who he cheated on with an Arkansas stripper and ended up fathering a love child with) who he started dating while still married to his wife of 24 years with whom he had 3 children.

- We’ll I’d say Congratulations are in order!

- Dad, Mom, Ex-Wife, Ex-Sister-In-Law & Former-Girlfriend, Ex-Stripper and Baby are all said to be doing well!

*****

Here’s another of daughter Jackie’s Pandemic Songs of the Day… inspired by the Carpenters.

“Why do birds… suddenly disappear

Every time you are near?

Just like me, they have to be…

Far from you.”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

First it was Toilet Paper now it’s Jigsaw Puzzles. Amazon says Jigsaw Puzzles are in the top ten most searched items on their site and many are already sold out.

- It seems to me, If you’re gonna use a puzzle as toilet paper, a CROSSWORD Puzzle might be a better choice.

*****

Governor Whitmer has prohibited all Non-Essential trips to the Veterinarian - which means No spaying or neutering until the lockdown is lifted.

- So Dog owners are just gonna have to take their Humps and move on.

*****

The government of Panama has announced than men and women will only be able to leave their homes for two hours at a time, and on different days.  Men can go out for groceries on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays; Women on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

- Luckily, they still have phone service so the women can call the men at the grocery stores and remind them to get some milk.

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Dr. Fauci - the White House point man on the Coronavirus - says to get out of the way if someone sneezes because a “Very robust, vigorous” sneeze can travel up to 27 FEET.

- I think I speak for all Americans when I say it’s a good thing Jimmy Durante is no longer with us.

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Russian Officials have ordered a freeze on all Divorces until at least June 1st because of the Pandemic.

- And you thought it was hard being locked in your house with someone you actually LIKE.

*****

Hillary Clinton told Oprah Magazine that she and her daughter Chelsea have a great relationship and that Chelsea has taught her a lot about “Patience and dealing with it when things don’t go your way”.

- Apparently Hillary missed Chelsea’s class on “Getting Over 2016”.

*****

Today’s Pandemic Song of the Day is inspired by the Beach Boys:

Wouldn’t it be nice if this was over…

And we wouldn’t have to wash our hands?

And wouldn’t it be nice to touch our noses

And when we sneeze not worry where it lands?

What happy times together we’d be spending…

It seems this Quarantine is ne…ver… ending…

But this SONG is!!

*****

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Governor Whitmer is expected to announce that Michigan schools will be closed for the rest of the year because of the Pandemic.

- She made the announcement Dr. Seuss’s new children’s book… “Oh, The Places You’ll Go… Don’t Include School”.

- There’s a book for the parents too, “Curious George Goes To The Insane Asylum”.

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But Seniors in the Class of 2020 WILL Graduate.

- They’ll be the first class ever to wear a Cap, Gown & Face Mask.

*****

Meghan Markle’s first post-royal gig - doing a voiceover for a Disney Documentary about Elephants - is being panned with critics calling her narration “Schmaltzy and Cheesy”.

- I thought Schmaltzy and Cheesy were the names of the Eighth and Ninth Dwarves who Snow White kicked out of her cottage because their ears were too big.

*****

Paris Hilton announced that she’ll delay the release of a new documentary she directed due to the Coronavirus Pandemic.

- As if we don’t have enough bad news lately, now we hear THIS!!

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Kroger and Walgreens are installing plexiglass barriers that will help keep Cashiers and Customers from sharing germs.

- But the Bag Boy is still free to sneeze on your Zucchini.

*****

Today’s Pandemic Song of the Day is… “Home on the Range”. Let’s all sing along!!

“We all have to stay Home… It’s a rule - we can’t Roam,

Wash your hands… while your dye job goes Gray.

“Check emails” - I’ve heard… But I forgot my pass-word.

Even my dog stays six feet away”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Yesterday, President Trump extended the Social Distancing Guidelines until April 30th.

- I’m about ready to wash my hands of this whole thing.

*****

Hard to believe the biggest thing in the news two weeks ago was the battle between Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders.

- NOW, if you want to hear from those two, you have to go shopping during “Senior Hour” at Kroger.

*****

Meghan Markle has reported laid down the law and FORBIDDEN Prince Harry to fly to England to visit his Dad, Prince Charles, who’s been diagnosed with COVID-19.

- Remember the good old days when Harry made his OWN DECISIONS and went to a Vegas hotel, dressed up in a Nazi uniform, and told the HOOKERS what to do??

*****

Speaking of the Ex-Royals… Prez Trump says that the US WILL NOT pay for Harry and Meghan’s security now that they’ve moved to Los Angeles… but Harry and Meghan say they don’t need his help - they’ve made “Privately Funded Security Arrangements”.

- TRANSLATION: Harry hit Prince Charles up for a raise in his Allowance.

*****

Divorce filings in NYC have skyrocketed by 50% during the Quarantine which has forced couples to stay at home together.

- Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t the Quarantine in NYC start A WEEK AND A HALF AGO??

*****

You can get more than groceries and prescriptions during Michigan’s lockdown… Under the Governor’s Executive Order Liquor stores will remain open since they are considered “Critical” facilities.

- Well I’ll drink to that!

*****

I know we’re not supposed to touch our faces… BUT… I’ve had an itch on my nose that’s DRIVING ME CRAZY!!! I’ll admit, I’m about to cave. And thus… our Pandemic Song of the Day…

REO Speedwagon’s “I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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10 years ago today I retired after 45 years on the radio in Detroit. The last 10 minutes of the show were recorded and I’m posting it today. (I figured since you’re stuck at home - you probably don’t have anything better to do!) When it ends… it automatically takes you to some other videos of the show from over the years you can watch… if you’re REALLY bored!

And now for a brief look at the news…

Today would have been Opening Day for the Tigers.

- I’ll mark the day by getting off the couch later this afternoon and doing a 7th Inning Stretch.

*****

A Vet in Britain is treating a Weiner Dog named “Rolo” who was so excited about his family being quarantined at home, he wagged his tail too much and “Sprained it”.

- The last Weiner to suffer this kind of injury was named Anthony.

*****

Another Day… Another Song… The Carpenters hit “I Won’t Last a Day Without You”. (Think Toilet Paper)

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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Bill Cosby’s lawyers have filed a petition to get him released from Prison due to concerns over the Coronavirus.

- Lucky for Bill, if he does get sick he can just drink one of his “Special Cocktails” and by the time he wakes up, the whole thing will be a blur.

*****

Officials in Italy say that “business” is way down for members of Organized Crime.

- Making this the first time in history the Mafia is Taking a Hit instead of Ordering one!!

*****

Joe Biden is at it again… During a Skyped appearance on “The View” he was asked if he agreed with Trump saying that shutting down the nations economy could make “The cure worse than the problem itself”. Joe said, “We have to take care of the Cure. That will make the problem worse no matter what. No matter what”.

- Joe’s about one gaffe away from getting his own Two-Hour Special on “America’s Funniest Home Videos”.

*****

Squad Member Ilhan Omar is calling for all U.S. Citizens to be given a Pre-loaded debit card worth $2000 - and to cover the cost, she proposed the U.S. Treasury mint two 1 Trillion Dollar Coins. (TRUE!)

- Why not just have the Government put an ATM in all of our homes???

*****

Jennifer Aniston is among the ladies in Hollywood who are paying to have their Hollywood Hairdressers send them “At Home Touch Up Coloring Kits” to help them get through while Salon’s are closed.

- Wasn’t there a Mini-Series about a hair color shortage back in the 70’s? I think it was called “Roots”.

*****

Caitlyn Jenner said she is spending her time in Self-Quarantine cleaning out her closets.

- She says she’s getting rid of all kinds of junk she doesn’t need anymore. Ya know, like Boxer Shorts and Jock Straps.

*****

A Rabbi, A Minister and a Priest walk into a bar…

Just kidding. The bars are closed.

SONG OF THE DAY…

Huey Lewis and the News: “The Heart of Rock and Toilet-Paper-Roll”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

3 Comments

(HE STAYED HOME)

*****

An Oregon Strip Club has come up with a way to get around the Coronavirus Shutdown… “Boober Eats”. For a $30 delivery fee, a pair of scantily clad strippers will deliver chicken fingers, steak bites and mini corndogs to your door.

- It takes a pretty confident man to order “Mini Corn Dogs” from a Stripper.

*****

Senate Dems say they won’t vote for the Coronavirus Relief Bill unless companies who receive aid provide Employee race, gender, pay, and diversity status. Plus… Obamacare, funding for the Arts, “Same Day Voter Registration” yada, yada, yada… are added to the Bill.

- Call me crazy, but isn’t this Bill supposed to help the American People and the entire Country survive all the Medical and Financial disruptions to our lives caused by the Coronavirus Pandemic???

- Sounds like some people are trying to sneak some Pork into a Bill whose benefits that are needed and Should Be provided RIGHT NOW.

And Just When You Thought Things Couldn’t Get Any Worse…

- Joy Behar is out of isolation and back on “The View”.

*****

The 2020 Olympics have been postponed due to the Coronavirus pandemic. The Japanese Prime Minister and the International Olympic Committee say the Tokyo games will take place in 2021 instead.

- I for one am happy about this! It gives me an extra year to work on my Balance Beam routine!

*****

Harvey Weinstein has tested positive for Coronavirus and is in isolation in a prison in Buffalo where he’ll spend the next 23 years.

- Is it just me or does it seem like Harvey’s having a bad year??

*****

Why did the Chicken cross the Road?

Social Distancing.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Governor Whitmer has issued a “Shelter in Place” order effective immediately and is is asking everyone to “Stay home and stay safe”.

Okay… Everybody click your heels together now and repeat along with me… “THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME! THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME! THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!”

*****

If you’re looking for something to do, why not calculate how long your supply of Toilet Paper will last?? A new website, Howmuchtoiletpaper.com lets you enter how much you’ve got, how often you go, and how much you use to determine how many days your rolls will last…

- … Before you wipe out your supply.

*****

Joe Biden says he’s going to be giving his own updates on the Coronavirus after techs “Put in a new high-speed line into my home… they converted a recreation room, basically, into a television studio. So beginning tomorrow, I guess tomorrow, I'm making the first presentation.”

- Joe says you can watch his updates on “The Facebook” and “InstaGramp”.

*****

The NYC Health Department released a memo urging people to have “Solo Sex” during the coronavirus, saying “YOU are your safest sex partner”.

- For those of you who don’t know what “Solo Sex” is… they want you to play Solitaire!!!

They added that “This is NOT the time to have Orgies”.

- Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but when exactly IS the time to have Orgies??

*****

Music legend Neil Diamond posted a video of him singing "Sweet Caroline," except it had a few updated lyrics more fitting amid the coronavirus outbreak. He sang "Hands... washing hands... reaching out... don't touch me... I won't touch you!”.

- Coming soon: The Oak Ridge Boys with “El-Virus”, Petula Clark’s new single “Don’t Sneeze In the Subway Darlin” and Johnny Rivers with “I’ve Got the Rockin Pneumonia and the Coronavirus Too”.

*****

RIP… Kenny Rogers who passed away from natural causes at the age of 81.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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Spring officially arrives tonight at 11:50!!!!

*****

In one of the more unusual incidents being attributed to Coronavirus, a turf war between dozens of rival monkeys has broken out in Thailand as the monkey’s fight each other for food. 

- Apparently the Grocery stores have run out of their favorite “Chimps Ahoy”. 

*****

A Las Vegas Strip Club called “Little Darlings” says they are staying Open because their dancers and customers are maintaining Six-Foot Social Distancing.

- That should make for some interesting Lap Dances.

In the spirit of “flattening the curve”, the club will also offer “Nude triple-X hand sanitizer wrestling”.

- In the interest of “Transparency”… we didn’t make the “Nude triple-X hand sanitizer wrestling” thing up!

*****

A gas station in Kentucky is selling gas for 99 cents a gallon and experts say that could become the norm across the Midwest.

- Great. We’ll all have full tanks of gas… and no place to go.

*****

Harvey Weinstein has been transferred to his new “home” - a prison outside of Buffalo. Ironically, Harvey graduated from the University of Buffalo and first made a name for himself by bringing acts like the Rolling Stones to Buffalo in the 70’s.

- It’s not all bad… maybe he can get deliveries from Ted’s Hot Dogs and Anderson’s Beef on Weck - two of my all-time favorite restaurants that I grew up on!

*****

George Clooney‘s sister-in-law is being torched on social media for selling luxury, non-medically approved Leopard-Print face masks for $30 each on her fashion website… They ship in 8 to 12 weeks. 

- As they say… Timing is everything. 

- And don’t forget to order her Faux Mink Toilet Paper which will be available just in time for Christmas! 

*****

A survey by a Sleep Company found that 60% of people WOULD NOT Marry someone who has a different “Sleep Pattern” then they do. 

- This is especially true when the guy sleeps on his side… and his girlfriend sleeps around.

*****

Millions of people in California have been ordered to “Shelter in Place” to stop Corona. 

- So now the only ones who will still catch a virus are the people who are staying at Charlie Sheen’s house. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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- I ran across the cartoon below on FB this morning. Kind of sums up life these days.

*****

Today is St. Patrick’s Day! Or as the Irish say in 2020 “Erin Go Wash Your Hands Day”.

This is actually the day in the year 432, when a 16 year old boy named Patrick was kidnapped from his home by Pirates in what is now Great Britain and imprisoned in Ireland. Legend has it, that for six years he was forced to survive on Bread & Water. (And I always thought it was Corned Beef & Cabbage).

*****

Tom Brady announced Tuesday he is leaving the New England Patriots after 20 seasons and six Super Bowl titles, saying his football journey “will take place elsewhere.”

- $100 bucks says “elsewhere” means “Anywhere but the Lions”.

*****

Health Officials all over the country are urging us to do what we can to help “Flatten the Curve” of the virus.

- I swim three times a week and walk 2 miles a day and I still can’t “Flatten the Curve” on my stomach.

*****

Trump announced a list of things Americans must do to contain the virus in the next 15 days - including an urgent call for the “Old and vulnerable”… Stay Home!

- Well I guess we know where Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders will be if we need to get ahold of ‘em.

*****

Arnold Schwarzenegger posted a video urging people to stay isolated at home - that showed him feeding carrots to his two pets… A Mini-Horse named “Whiskey” and a Mini-Donkey named “Lulu”.

- Kind of hard to take advice from a guy who needs two Emotional Support Animals to stay in his own house.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The Governor has ordered Restaurants and Bars to close at 3pm today… (delivery and carry out still available). The Virus is also affecting people mentally. For more on that, check out an article from this mornings FREEP including advice from my daughter Dr. Jessica Purtan Harrell who is a Clinical Psychologist specializing in Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

*****

Biden and Sanders greeted each other at Sunday night’s Democrat debate with an “Elbow Bump”

- They were going to do a “Bootie Bump” but neither can afford to break a hip.

*****

During the debate, Biden said he WILL absolutely nominate a woman to run as his VP.

- People were like, “We don’t care about the VP… We want T.P.”

- Speaking of TeePee’s… I guess that means Elizabeth Warren could get the job.

*****

77 year old Joy Behar said she is “stepping away” as a co-host of "The View" for precautionary reasons due to the Coronavirus Pandemic.

- Ya see kids? Every cloud has a Silver Lining!!

*****

A Pizza Parlor in Wisconsin is offering a special… With each pizza they’ll sell you four rolls of toilet paper. for an extra charge of $3.25. It’s listed on the menu under “Sides of Sauce”.

- You don’t wanna know what they have listed under “Toppings”.

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Elton John postposed his May 1st and 2nd appearances at Little Caesars Arena until 2021 because of the virus. Speaking of which, Elton is on the special “Pandemic Playlist” I’ve put together to listen to while I’m “Social Distancing”…

DICK’s “PANDEMIC PLAYLIST 2020”

“Every Breath You Take” - The Police

“Touch Me In The Morning… But NOT Unless You’ve Washed Your Hands!!!” - Diana Ross

“Girls Just Wanna Have Toilet Paper” - Cyndi Lauper

“Alone Again, UnNaturally” - Gilbert O’Sullivan

“Night Fever” - The Bee Gees

“By The Time I Get To Phoenix… They’ll Be Out of Everything” - Glen Campbell

*****

Have a great day… stay healthy… and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Since Bernie only won a single Primary yesterday, top Democrats are urging him to drop out of the race and endorse Biden.

- But Bernie’s still hoping to fire up voter’s in other states to CAST-TRO their votes for him.

*****

According to court documents, Harvey Weinstein sent an email suggesting that Jennifer Aniston “should be killed” when he found out she claimed he “sexually assaulted” her.

- Well there goes Harvey’s guest shot on the “Friends” anniversary special.

*****

Talk shows across the country - including “The View” - will tape without studio audiences because of the Coronavirus outbreak.

- If they want to help Americans, they should let the studio audience IN and tape the show WITHOUT the hosts.

*****

Hunter Biden asked a judge to postpone the financial support hearing for the love child he had with a stripper due to “concern over the Coronavirus”.

- Where was Hunter’s “concern” over viruses when he was sleeping with the Stripper??

*****

The Russian parliament approved a historic constitutional reform that will allow Vladimir Putin to stay in power for another 12 years after his current term ends in 2024. BTW… The vote was 380 to 0.

- It’s a Win-Win. Putin gets to stay in power and the guys who voted for him get to stay Alive.

*****

The CDC is urging the elderly to stock up on food and stay home because of the Coronavirus.

- Luckily, most elderly people already do that whenever TV Land runs a “Matlock” Marathon.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

It’s Primary Day here in Michigan! Speaking of heading to the polls, there’s still time to shop for a Birthday Gift for Stormy Daniels who turns 41 next week!

*****

In an effort to avoid the spread of the Coronavirus, producers of Jeopardy! and Wheel of Fortune announced they will tape shows WITHOUT a live studio audience “for the foreseeable future”.

- And instead of winning cash, contestants will now play for Toilet Paper!!

*****

The White House announced that President Trump is skipping this Thursday’s St. Patrick’s Day Luncheon because of Nancy Pelosi’s “divisive rhetoric”.

- Darn. I was so looking forward to watching Nancy tear up his Menu.

*****

A Chinese restaurant in California has started taking every customer's temperature in hopes of screening for the Coronavirus.

- So if you want Beef Lo Mein, prepare to have your temp taken by Sum Yung Guy.

*****

Hillary Clinton says she would love to see a FEMALE Vice President on the ticket in 2020.

- So would Bill.

*****

The stock market opened way up this morning after yesterdays historic 2000 point loss, but as of this writing is only up 200 points.

- The market’s bouncing around more than Charlie Sheen in a Mattress Factory.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Fears over the Coronavirus & tanking Oil prices saw the Dow open DOWN 1800 POINTS this morning.

- The stock market fell faster than Kanye West when Kim Kardashian’s thong exploded and ricocheted off his ego.

*****

Dolly Parton says she wants to celebrate her upcoming 75th Birthday by appearing on the cover of Playboy - which she hasn’t done since 1978 - saying “I think it would be such a hoot”.

- Or in this case… TWO Hoots… or is that Hooters??

*****

A Florida woman was arrested after police found marijuana in her bra.

- She pleaded guilty to a Double D Misdemeanor.

*****

A malfunction at a local winery is causing wine to flow from faucets in the Italian Town of Castelvetro.

- “It’s a MIRACLE!” said the town Priest, Father Pinot Grigio.

*****

Italy has quarantined a quarter of its population and asked them to stay home because of the Coronavirus.

- It’s working out fine… especially for the people who have wine flowing out of their faucets.

*****

Queen Elizabeth was locked out of Windsor Castle on Friday because there was no guard present to unlock the gate as her car drove up.

- The guard later explained to the Queen that he was in the Castle’s bathroom sitting on the Throne.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

President Trump met with Kim Kardashian at the WH to discuss prison reform - especially women jailed for drug offenses.

- If anyone understand a Crack problem, it’s Kim.

- She also suggested changing Orange Prison Uniforms to Black - because they’re more slimming.

*****

Italy has banned kisses and handshakes in public because of the Coronavirus.

- They’re also urging Italian Men to wash there hands when they’re done talking.

*****

Daredevil Nik Wallenda walked a high wire over an active Nicaraguan Volcano last night.

- It wasn’t nearly as dangerous as his next stunt: Sitting between Joy Behar and Meghan McCain on “The View”.

*****

The World Health Organization says we should refer to people with the Corona virus as “Having Contracted It” - and not “Possibly Infecting Others” so as not to “shame and blame” people for spreading the virus.

- Plus… each patient will receive a “Corona Virus Participation Trophy”!

*****

Jeff Bezos and fiancée Lauren Sanchez were spotted on an expensive dinner date just days after Mr. Amazon lost 11.9 billion amid Coronavirus panic.

- Well that explains the Groupon.

*****

Stephen Spielberg’s porn actress daughter, Mikaela, was arrested on domestic violence charges.

- In a nod to her Dad’s movie ET, she used her one call to Phone Home.

*****

It’s being reported that Prince Andrew once let a British Super Model he was dating sit on his Mother’s Throne.

- The most shocking part of this story is that Prince Andrew was interested in someone who didn’t need a booster seat.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Mike Bloomberg’s OUT… $500 MILLION DOLLARS of his own money… Endorses Joe Biden…

*****

Bloomberg spent $224 million on Super Tuesday ads… meaning he spent $5.1 million for each delegate that he won.

- Mike may be rich, but apparently he’s not very good with money.

*****

Political pundits say Biden and Sanders BOTH did well on Super Tuesday.

- Bernie immediately hit the road to “Shake Hands and Kiss Babies”… while Joe says he’s looking forward to “Kissing more babes”.

*****

Elizabeth Warren who came in THIRD in her home state of Massachusetts said a lot of people who had pledged votes to her took them back at the last minute.

- Indian givers!

*****

During Joe Biden’s Super Tuesday victory speech, he introduced his wife as his sister - and his sister as his wife.

- In Joe’s defense, who among hasn’t mistaken our wife for our sister from time to time??

*****

A survey found that 38 PERCENT of beer drinking Americans say they won’t drink Corona beer… because they’re afraid it will give them the virus.

- Sounds like somebody’s got a bigger head on their beer than they do on their shoulders.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Welcome to Super Tuesday! - Or as Joe Biden calls it… Super THURSDAY!!! (Yeah, he did). Pete, Amy and Beto have lined up behind Joe in order to keep Bernie from getting the nomination. It’s not that they LIKE Joe, they just despise Bernie more than they can’t stand Joe but not nearly as much as they Hate Donald. And that, ladies and gentlemen… Is Politics.

*****

Woody Allen will release his autobiography in April.

- He’s not the first author to dedicate a book to his “Wife and Daughter”… but it’s the first time they were the SAME PERSON.

*****

Amid Coronavirus worries, people in China have given up shaking hands and instead are greeting each other by taping each others shoes in a move called “The Wuhan Shake”.

- I thought the Wuhan Shake was something McDonald’s offered during the Chinese New Year.

*****

The Chinese announced that you can’t catch the Coronavirus from “Passed Gas” as long as the person doing the passing is wearing pants.

- To be honest, if you’re hanging around with a bunch of gassy people who don’t wear pants, the Coronavirus is the least of your worries.

- Surgical masks may not keep you safe, but Gas Masks will make your day go better.

- I am once again reminded of the great Danny Kaye Movie “The Court Jester”… with a bit of a twist: “The Jeans with the Seams contain the Germs - a Doc Confirms”, and the “The Slacks that Cover Cracks Keep Corona out of Barcelona”.

*****

A poll of 2,000 Americans found that a majority of Brides and Grooms-To-Be, believe that a “Wedding Website” is necessary to keep guests informed about the nuptials.

- In my day we had a gizmo for letting guests know about our wedding details too. It was called, "The Invitation”.

*****

Madonna was helped offstage after falling during a Paris concert on Saturday night.

- Luckily, no one in the audience was infected…um… I mean, Hurt.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Despite a terrible showing in the South Carolina Primary, Elizabeth Warren says she’ll “Fight all the way to the end”.

- Boy, if I had an Indian Nickel for every time I heard a candidate say that.

*****

“Mayor Pete” Buttigieg ended his Presidential bid after a disappointing showing in South Carolina.

- Too bad. Pete’s husband would have made the most handsome first man since Mamie Eisenhower.

*****

The U.S. has signed a Peace Deal with the Taliban, putting an end to our Nation’s longest War.

- Trusting the Taliban to stick to a “Peace” Deal is kind of like trusting Michael Moore with the keys to Pizza Hut.

*****
Joe Biden scored a big win in the South Carolina Primary on Saturday. Right now, Joe is partying like it’s 1999.

- Because he thinks it IS.

- Joe said he was surprised so many people want him to be President, which makes sense considering he thinks he’s running for the SENATE.

*****

Bernie Sanders raised $46.5 million dollars in the month of February.

- To put that in perspective, that’s enough to pay for one year of “Medicare for SOME”.

*****

MSNBC Host Chris Mathews is being accused of inappropriately flirting with a female guest.

- Where was the outrage when Chris said “I got a tingle up my leg when I heard Obama speak”??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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Tomorrow is the Big Day!!! The 33rd Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon will be on the air LIVE on AM 760 WJR from 6am to 7pm. This is THE ONLY yearly fundraiser for this vital program that provides 1.3 MILLION MEALS and 118,000 NIGHTS OF SHELTER to Metro Detroiters EVERY YEAR! One of the most gratifying parts of working with the Salvation Army on the Bed & Bread program is the opportunity to ride along on one of the three Bed & Bread trucks - which I did once again this past Monday. Everyday - 365 days a year - these trucks make their way through the streets of Detroit - bringing food - and hope - to thousands of Men, Women and Children who have fallen - often through no fault of their own - on hard times. As many rides as I’ve made on the Truck, the reactions of the people it serves never cease to amaze me. They are, almost to a person, filled with thanks and gratitude for the meal they’re given. Hot soup - and I mean REALLY GOOD hot soup, fresh sandwiches, fruit, a cookie… some hot chocolate, coffee or juice... It’s balanced, nutritious - and of course, FREE, as are the “Hygiene Packets”, Blankets & Socks handed out at every stop. Everything is prepared with care and given with love to these people who spend their days - literally - just trying to survive. The Salvation Army’s Bed & Bread Program is designed to make sure they see lots of tomorrows. In addition to the thousands of meals they serve… the Program shelters about 300 people every night. I always ask the people who come up to the window how they’re doing. Remarkably, most of them say “Not bad!” or “Pretty good. How about you?” WOW. And the people who come up to the Truck don’t all suffer from addiction issues like some people think. The stories I’ve heard from women who suffered horrific abuse, and from kids who were mistreated and neglected would make your head spin and your heart break at the same time. And I’ve talked to many people who are there simply because they were laid off or lost their job. Whatever their story… The Salvation Army Bed & Bread Program is there for them. Food - Shelter - Counseling Services - Job Training… You name it. From the things needed just for today - a hot meal and a warm place - to the things that can literally help turn someone’s life around - That’s what this program is all about. I started the Radiothon and created Detroit’s Bed & Bread Club 33 years ago. The first year we raised $15,000 and were over the moon. Now in it’s 33rd year, the program has raised a total of 36 MILLION DOLLARS to serve our fellow Detroiters. Every day. Every night. 365 Days a year. I know from the years and years we’ve been doing the Radiothon that my listeners - and the people of Metro Detroit - have incredibly big and generous hearts. I’m asking you - from the bottom of MY heart - to join me in supporting this program and the people it serves - by donating what you can. Donating $240 or more (That’s only $20 a month!) gets you in the Bed & Bread Club - plus a commemorative Salvation Army Neck Warmer. But I appreciate ANYTHING you can give! The 24 hour Radiothon begins at 7pm tonight and runs all day tomorrow until 7pm. It will be broadcast LIVE on AM 760 WJR and streamed on WJR.com. I’ll be hosting the 4pm to 7pm slot with Jackie and Big Al! You can even donate right now by calling 1-800-Sal Mich or going to Salmich.org. And we’d love to see you at the broadcast LIVE from 1 Campus Martius on Woodward Ave. in downtown Detroit. I can’t tell you what you - and this Program - mean to me. I’m forever in your debt… Thanks so much! -Dick

Each person also receives a “Hygiene Packet” with each meal

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On Monday, I once again had the privilege of riding on one of the Bed and Bread trucks. There are 3 trucks in all… each one traveling the neighborhood streets of Detroit, day in and day out… 365 days a year. These specially outfitted trucks and the very special people who man them -  bring warm food, hot cups of coffee and cocoa, mittens, blankets… whatever’s needed and whatever they have, really, to the thousands of men, women and children living on the streets.  As always, our driver Ray honked the Trucks horn, signaling our arrival - and an amazing thing happened. 

Men and women… Black… White… Brown… emerged from from buildings and around corners. Some walked alone. Others held the hands of small children. Teenagers walked with a fake air of confidence, the way teenagers are meant to walk.

If you didn’t look closely, it would be easy to miss the

For the next 20 minutes or so… we were busy. Handing out turkey sandwiches… steaming styrofoam cups of soup (we had Bean soup that day), Chips… even fruit (although not everyone took the apples we offered. As one man told me, “You can’t eat an apple if you don’t have teeth!). 

I have ridden the Bed & Bread truck many times since our first Radiothon back in 1987 and have always been humbled and awestruck by the experience. by the genuine smiles of the people who come for what might very well be the only meal they get that day. Here they are… living on the streets, facing daily - most likely hourly - challenges that you and I can’t even imagine. yet no matter how red their cheeks from the cold, no matter how sad their eyes, to a person - they smile and thank those of us working the the truck for a hot meal. Talk about humbling. 

I wished we could linger at each stop to talk more. To find out their stories. The man with the fingerless gloves. The woman who reached up to try and fix her hair as if embarrassed about the way it looked. The 10ish boy who asked for an extra sandwich for his brother who wasn’t feeling well. 

How did they get here? How did they end up IN LINE at the truck, instead of working inside it? 

I’ve heard my share of people say “They made their bed…” over the years. I’m sure you know someone like that - maybe you’ve even thought it yourself from time to time. Before my work with the Salvation Army, I may have thought that too. 

But I have learned that it is far more complicated than that. The stories behind the wrinkles, the chapped lips, the tired eyes vary, of course, from person to person but they speak to a life filled with things most of us can barely comprehend: Neglect… Abuse… Mental health issues…  

No one - NO ONE - would choose to live this way. And if you don’t believe me, think about this. Have you ever heard a child say, “When I grow up… I want to live on the streets and eat food from a truck!”

Me either. (Although my parents certainly thought that would happen when I told them I wanted to be a disc jockey!)

Life happens… and it happens differently for all of us. 

I believe one of the most important things we can do with the time we’re given is to help those less fortunate than ourselves. Those whose stories are different from our own. And by making their lives better - we make life better for all of us. The Salvation Army Bed and Bread program - the hot meals, the nights of shelter - are a simple and incredibly effective way for us to do that.

So I ask you to donate what you can. Five dollars… or Ten… or Twenty a month. 

I promise… Just like the people in line for the Truck - when they get that soup and sandwich, you’ll have a smile on your face too.  

-Dick 

FIRST DRAFT:

On Monday, I once again had the privilege of riding on one of the Bed and Bread trucks. There are 3 trucks in all… each one traveling the neighborhood streets of Detroit, day in and day out… 365 days a year. These specially outfitted trucks and the very special people who man them -  bring warm food, hot cups of coffee and cocoa, mittens, blankets… whatever’s needed and whatever they have, really, to the thousands of men, women and children living on the streets.  As always, our driver Ray honked the Trucks horn, signaling our arrival - and an amazing thing happened. 

Men and women… Black… White… Brown… emerged from decaying buildings that just moments before I would have described as unihabitible. Some of them had children in tow. Kids of all ages - from teens to toddlers - all headed towards one thing: The Truck. 

For the next 20 minutes or so… we were busy. Handing out turkey sandwiches… steaming styrofoam cups of soup (we had Bean soup that day), Chips… even fruit (although not everyone took the apples we offered. As one man told me, “You can’t eat an apple if you don’t have teeth!). 

I have ridden the Bed & Bread truck many times since our first Radiothon back in 1987 and have always been struck by the genuine smiles of the people who come for what might very well be the only meal they get that day. Here they are… living on the streets, facing daily - most likely hourly - challenges that you and I can’t even imagine… yet no matter how red their cheeks from the cold, no matter how sad their eyes, to a person - they smile and thank those of us working the the truck for a hot meal. Talk about humbling. 

I wished we could linger at each stop to talk more. To find out their stories. The man with the fingerless gloves. The woman who reached up to try and fix her hair as if embarrassed about the way it looked. The 10ish boy who asked for an extra sandwich for his brother who wasn’t feeling well. 

How did they get here? How did they end up IN LINE at the truck, instead of working inside it? 

I’ve heard my share of people say “They made their bed…” over the years. I’m sure you know someone like that - maybe you’ve even thought it yourself from time to time. Before my work with the Salvation Army, I may have thought that too. 

But I have learned that it is far more complicated than that. The stories behind the wrinkles, the chapped lips, the tired eyes vary, of course, from person to person but they speak to a life filled with things most of us can barely comprehend: Neglect… Abuse… Mental health issues…  

No one - NO ONE - would choose to live this way. And if you don’t believe me, think about this. Have you ever heard a child say, “When I grow up… I want to live on the streets and eat food from a truck!”

Me either. (Although my parents certainly thought that would happen when I told them I wanted to be a disc jockey!)

Life happens… and it happens differently for all of us. 

I believe one of the most important things we can do with the time we’re given is to help those less fortunate than ourselves. Those whose stories are different from our own. And by making their lives better - we make life better for all of us. The Salvation Army Bed and Bread program - the hot meals, the nights of shelter - are a simple and incredibly effective way for us to do that.

So I ask you to donate what you can. Five dollars… or Ten… or Twenty a month. 

I promise… Just like the people in line for the Truck - when they get that soup and sandwich, you’ll have a smile on your face too.  

-Dick 

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The pic below kind of sums up what the Democrat candidates said last night about why they think Bernie can’t beat Trump. Cigar anyone?

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President Trump’s former White House doctor said he used to hide Cauliflower in the Prez’s mashed potatoes to try and help him lose weight.

- The Doc also considered hiring Jenny Craig to be the WH Chef but figured Trump would say she wasn’t “On his team” and Fire her.

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ABC is working on a spin-off of “The Bachelor”… for Senior Citizens aged 65+.

- In this version, instead of a Rose, the Bachelor will give each lucky lady a Walker.

- And instead of champagne and chocolates, the “Dream Suite” will be stocked with Nitro Glycerin and a Defibrillator.

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Harvey Weinstein was diverted to a NYC Hospital for chest pains while on his way to jail. Harvey had complained that trying to get people to believe he was wrongly convicted was like “Banging his head against a wall”.

- Making him a Harvey Wallbanger.

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Meanwhile, Weinstein’s 43 year old ex-wife says she’s “moved on” and has a boyfriend!

- And once he gets to prison, Harvey will have a boyfriend too!

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A former Royal Protection Cop is challenging Prince Andrew’s alibi in the Jeffrey Epstein sex scandal and says he’s willing to go to court to prove it.

- It’ll be a nice change. For once, Andrew will be judged by 12 of his peers as opposed to peering at 12 year old girls.

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Doctors in South Wales say a baboon escaped while having a vasectomy, and took off - along with two female monkeys.

- I’ll bet when they finally catch him, his big red butt’s REALLY gonna be in a sling.

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DON’T FORGET! The 33rd Annual Salvation Army Radiothon for the Bed & Bread Club - that feeds and shelters thousands of men, women and children in Metro Detroit EACH AND EVERYDAY - is coming up THIS FRIDAY, FEB 28th. You can hear it LIVE from 6am to 7pm on AM 760 WJR and streamed on the internet on wjr.com. I’ll be Hosting the 4pm to 7pm slot… along with Jackie and Big Al… of this event that is so near and dear to my heart. Your donations will make a huge difference to so many! You can even make your pledge right now by calling 1-800-SAL-MICH or going to Salmich.org. Thank you in advance and I hope you’ll tune in on Friday!

In the meantime have a great day and I’ll see you back here on the blog Thursday!

-Dick