During a speech at a Cricket Stadium in India, President Trump told an audience of tens of thousands “America loves India”.

- Not to be outdone, Elizabeth Warren tweeted, “INDIANS love India, too!” And How.

*****

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle issued a feisty statement on their website saying the Queen cannot legally block them from calling themselves “Sussex Royals.”

- Meanwhile, the Queen is preparing a “Really nice place” for them to stay when they’re in England… the Tower of London.

*****

A study from the University of Copenhagen found that short men are more likely to develop dementia.

- On the bright side, this means Mike Bloomberg might not remember how badly he did in last weeks debate.

*****

A Russian man who was high on “zombie drugs” sawed off his own leg.

- The man said he’s sad but he’s resilient and will “continue to put one foot in front of the other.”

*****

Steven Spielberg says he’s “embarrassed and concerned” for his 23-year-old daughter Mikaela after she announced plans to become a porn star.

- If only he’d said she was a rower and paid $500,000 grand to send her to college this never would have happened.

*****

A Northeastern University study found “smart speakers” like Alexa were randomly set off to listen to users by television sets that were in the same room as many as 19 times per day.

- Aren’t you glad you don’t have a TV in the bathroom?

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Well that was fun. The Democrat debate last night was a festival of finger pointing, name calling and personal attacks. It got so bad I thought about turning it off and watching something less “angry” - like a re-run of “The View”.

The general consensus of pundits on both sides was that Mike Bloomberg took the most hits.

- He got beat up worse than Jussie Smollett on a cold night in Chicago.

*****

Elizabeth Warren began the attacks on Bloomberg by saying “I’d like to talk about who we’re running against: A billionaire who calls women ‘fat broads’ and ‘horse-faced lesbians”.

- Or as Elizabeth would say in her native Indian speak: “Lesbian with Face of Horse”.

*****

Jeb Bush told an audience in Hollywood, Florida that America needs more civility in its politics.

- It was hard to hear Jeb, though, with all the people yelling “LOSER!” and throwing rotten tomatoes at him.

*****

Burger King is promoting it’s new preservative-free burger by showing a regular Whopper - with preservatives - covered in mold and being consumed by fungus.

- Hey Burger King… “Hold the green mold, hold the fungus. Rotten burgers DO upset us!”

*****

New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is now facing a dozen challengers for re-election.

- That’s one for every year AOC says we’ve got left to live on the planet.

*****

A group of Archaeologists have discovered an underground shrine dedicated to Romulus, who founded Rome in the 6th Century B.C.

- Of course Romulus is better known for founding Detroit Metro Airport in 1929.

*****

Steven Spielberg’s 23 year old adopted daughter Mikaela announced that she’s launching a career as a porn actress.

- She dedicated her first 2 films to her Dad… “REALLY Close Encounters” and “Saving Ryan’s Privates”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Former Gov of Illinois Rod “Blago” Blagojevich, who was convicted for attempting to sell Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat, says he’s that since Trump released him from prison after 8 years, he’s now “A Trumpocrat!”.

- Trump and Blago say they see eye to eye on two things: Being wrongfully convicted and the importance of good hair care products.

*****

Meanwhile, Kwame Kilpatrick’s attorney says he hasn’t heard a word from the White House as to whether or not Trump will let the Kwamenator out of prison.

- He said Kwame is so nervous he reversed the letters on three license plates at work this morning.

*****

Mike Bloomberg is taking heat from middle America for saying that tech jobs are hard, but he could “Teach anybody how to farm”. 

- Apparently Mike isn’t familiar with the song from the musical “Oklahoma”, “Oh the Billionaire and the Farmer Should Be Friends!”

*****

The betting odds for Bloomberg getting the Democratic Nomination have soared since he floated the idea of Hillary Clinton as his Vice President. 

- The plan is to have Mike elected on November 3rd… then President Hillary will deliver his eulogy on November 7th. 

*****

Elizabeth Warren said it’s a shame the “Egomaniac Billionaire” can buy his way into the election.

- Isn’t Liz a MILLIONAIRE? Me think she speak with forked tongue.

*****

Al Pacino’s 40 year old now-ex-girlfriend says she broke up with the 79 year old because “He’s already elderly, it’s hard to be with such and old man. and he didn’t like to spend money”.

- With emphasis on the “Didn’t like to spend money” part.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

More and more Democrats are rallying around Bloomberg as the candidate who can beat Trump.

- I guess they changed their mind about that whole “Old Rich White Men Are Ruining America” thing.

*****

Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren continue to fall in the betting odds to become the Democrat Nominee.

- Pundits say it’s because Joe is the King of Gaffes and Elizabeth is the Chief of… Well, she’s just The Chief.

*****

Ten thousand men attended Japan’s annual so-called "Naked Festival" … when participants dance around in a loin cloth and white socks to celebrate their fertility.

- I don’t care how “fertile” the guys are. If you dance around in white socks and a loin cloth, good luck getting any woman to want to have kids with you.

*****

Patrons at the Santa Monica Library were outraged after a porn film was shot there during business hours. - The working title for the film is “Debbie Does the Dewey Decimal System”.

*****

Pics of a Michigan woman who flew from Grand Rapids to California with her Emotional Support Mini-Horse, “Fred” have gone viral. The woman says she had to pay “an arm and a leg” for bulkhead seats so Fred would have enough room.

- I thought most horses fly in the front of Coach.

*****

Elton John needed to be helped offstage in New Zealand due to pneumonia.

- When Elton asked his doctor how soon he’ll recover, the doc said “I think it’s gonna be a long, long time”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Scientists say they’ve discovered DNA from a so-called “Ghost Population” that lived 50,000 years ago in Modern Day humans.

- “You can’t argue with Science!” tweeted Elizabeth “Casper” Warren.

*****

Kellogg is expanding it’s line of plant based meats - called “IncogMeato” sausages and bratwursts. "It's a soy-based product with canola & palm oil - and beet juice for coloring” that “Looks and bleeds like real meat”.

- Yum.

*****

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos bought his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez a nine-acre estate in Beverly Hills, which boasts terraces, guest houses, a tennis court, and a nine-hole golf course. The cost? $165 MILLION.

NOTE TO GUYS: If you plan on asking her to be your Valentine by giving her a Chocolate Rose you pick up for a buck fifty at the Gas Station, you better hope she doesn’t read this story.

*****

A new study found that people who play golf at least once a month reduce their risk of premature death by half.

- So now cheating at golf can actually help you cheat death.

*****

Colin Kaepernick told USA that he’s still hoping to win a spot in the NFL saying “I still train five days a week. I’m ready to go, I’m ready for a phone call”.

- Some people just can’t take a hint. Colin’s like Hillary Clinton with knee pads.

*****

On this day in 1633 Italian astronomer Galileo Galilei arrived in Rome for his trial before the Inquisition for his belief that the Earth revolves around the Sun.

- And on this day in 2016, Kanye West tweeted that his Whole World revolves around Kim Kardashian’s Moon.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Bernie Sanders managed to edge out Pete Buttigieg to win the New Hampshire primary Tuesday.

- When they heard the news, Bernie’s supporters really lit up Socialist Media.

*****

Former frontrunner Joe Biden followed up his loss in Iowa with a 5th place finish in New Hampshire but said this “Isn’t the Closing Bell… It’s the Opening Bell”.

- The way Joe’s been talking, I’m surprised he didn’t say it’s Howdy Doody’s “Clara Bell”.

*****

A standard poodle named “Siba” beat out more than 200 dogs to win "Best in Show" at the 2020 Westminster Dog Show at Madison Square Garden last night.

- I don’t mean to be judgmental, but I’ve seen the pictures and that Poodle is a real Schnauzer.

*****

A St. Louis cop who was told to “tone down his gayness” won a discrimination suit against the county and was awarded $10 MILLION.

- That’s enough money to redecorate every squad car in the department!

*****

After months of speculation, Pope Francis announced that he WILL NOT allow married men to be ordained as Priests.

- In making his decision, the Pope cited “Hundreds of years of Tradition” and the fact that married guys are usually busy on Sunday mornings mowing the lawn and going to Costo with their wives.

*****

Janet Jackson has announced tour dates for her new album, “Black Diamond.”

- Janet’s 53 now so any “Wardrobe Malfunction” she has is gonna involve “Spanx”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Michael Douglas told reporters that one of the last things his father Kirk Douglas said to him - moments before he died last week at age 103, was “Mike (Bloomberg) can get it done!”

- I would have thought if any of the Dem Candidates would have had a “Spartacus Moment” it would have been Cory Booker.

*****

Monica Lewinksy attended the “Vanity Fair Oscars Dinner.”

- She wore a black dress because her favorite blue one was at the Dry Cleaners.

*****

Joe Biden’s campaign says he was quoting John Wayne when he called a female audience member “a lying dog faced pony soldier.”

- Trump jumped on the comment and is now offering “Make Lying Dog-Faced Pony Soldiers Great Again” hats on his website.

*****

Apple may be forced to delay its cheaper version of the iPhone.

- The kids who work at the factory in China had last week off because of Parent/Teacher/Communist Conferences.

*****

A new study has discovered that a mystery radio source from a galaxy some 500 million lightyears away has been sending out signals twice every hour.

- Plus, they’ve got Weather and Traffic on the Eights and caller 10 wins tickets to Elton John’s “Rocketman” tour.

*****

82 year old Jane Fonda went gray and recycled a dress she wore to the Oscars in 2014 after vowing that she would never buy new clothes to “Help save the planet”.

- She even wore one of her old hats… a stylish metal helmet she first wore in Vietnam in 1972.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

There were tuxes and fancy dresses… flashing lights and long speeches last night. Congrats to Kwame Kilpatrick for planning a fantastic “Winter Formal” at the Milan Federal Prison!

Just kidding! I’m talking, of course, about the 92nd Annual Academy Awards.

Joaquin Phoenix who won Best Actor for “Joker” gave a rambling speech that talked about everything from “finding our humanity" to taking milk away from cows so we can put it on our cereal.

- Speaking of Fruit Loops…

*****

Even before his win, Joaquin persuaded producers to serve a completely vegan menu backstage during the show.

- It wasn’t a problem for the actresses since they don’t eat ANYTHING anyway.

*****

It took Brad Pitt about five seconds to complain that John Bolton wasn’t allowed to testify at the Impeachment trial after being awarded the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor.

- Call me sentimental, but I miss the good old days when Brad was cheating on Jennifer Aniston, adopting a zillion kids with Angelina Jolie, getting divorced AGAIN and going to rehab. Good times. Good times.

*****

Martin Scorsese - who was up for both a Best Picture and Best Director Oscar for “The Irishman” appeared to fall asleep during a surprise musical performance by Eminem.

- To be fair, Martin’s 77. To him, “Rap” is the cellophane he uses to keep the Nitroglycerin pills separate from the Lipitor in his tux pocket.

*****

All the political statements reminded me of the time back in 1973 when Marlon Brando sent a female American Indian up on stage to refuse his Best Actor Oscar for “The Godfather”.

- What was her name again? Oh yeah… Miss Elizabeth Sacheen Littlefeather Warren.

*****

A TSA agent was arrested at Los Angeles International Airport for tricking a female passenger into showing him her breasts twice during a screening.

- If he wanted to see breasts LEGALLY he could have just watched coverage of the Red Carpet.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Yesterday’s quip about Nancy Pelosi sure brought out the passion in people here on the blog. Some of you thought Nancy was absolutely justified in ripping up Trumps speech, while others thought it was juvenile and have nicknamed her “Nancy the Ripper”. It was just like the Impeachment Hearings and Trial… without the costing Millions of taxpayer dollars part! May we always be able to agree to disagree!

*****

The Rolling Stones announced that they’ll do a show at Ford Field on June 10th.

- Since Mick and Keith are both 76, They’re bringing a defibrillator to use when they do their song “Start Me Up”.

*****

With more 97% of the votes in, Bernie Sanders has surged to within one tenth of a point of leader Pete Buttigieg in the Iowa Caucuses.

- I’m pullin’ for Bernie. Not because I believe in his Socialist Policies, but because I can spell his last name.

*****

On this day in 1935, “Monopoly” went on sale for the first time.

- When Madonna was born 25 years later, they added a new feature to the game… “Community Chest”.

*****

Three quarters of Canadians say they DO NOT want to pay for Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s security detail.

- They don’t want to pay for Prince Andrews subscription to “Teen Beat” magazine either. 

*****

The 92nd Annual Academy Awards is on this Sunday night.

- It’s gives me the chance to spend three and a half hours listening to acceptance speeches from stars I’ve never heard of for movies I’ve never seen.

*****

RIP… Kirk Douglas the legendary actor of Spartacus and dozens of other Hollywood films who died peacefully at the age of 103.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

As President Trump finished his State of the Union Address last night, Nancy Pelosi made a big show of ripping up her copy of the speech behind his back.

- Somebody needs to be put in a Time Out without her Sippy Cup full of Vodka.

*****

After the speech, Nancy told reporters that ripping up the speech was the “Courteous thing to do considering the alternative”.

- She was going to light the speech on fire but she was afraid people would confuse it with smoke signals from Elizabeth Warren.

*****

Lori Loughlin and her husband have put their $28.7 MILLION Beverly Hills mansion up for sale. The home has 9 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms and is 12,000 sq. ft.

- Lori says now with the kids off to college they’re looking to “Downsize”. And by “Downsize” she means a 6’ by 8’ cell.

*****

Domino’s is giving away a $9,000 pizza-shaped engagement ring to one lucky customer in honor of Valentine’s Day.

- Guys, just imagine your girlfriends excitement when all her friends see the ring and say “He went to Dominos!”

*****

Prosecutors handed out 5 naked pics of Harvey Weinstein to members of the jury in his Sexual Assault trial, and the female jurors winced. But Harvey said he wasn’t embarrassed adding “It was no big deal”.

- In a unanimous verdict… the ladies on the jury agreed.

*****

Architectural Digest is featuring Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s $80 MILLION California Mansion which they describe as a “Futuristic Buddhist Monastery” filled with “peace and positive energy”.

- And really big toilet seats. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

The Democrat National Committee in Iowa is blaming a faulty phone app for the chaos in Iowa last night that still has ZERO results as of this writing.

- A faulty phone app? That’s refreshing. Usually they just blame it on the Russians.

*****

Despite the lack of official results, ALL of the leading Democrat candidates are claiming victory.

- KC beats the 49er’s… Elizabeth Warren claims she won the Caucus… Talk about a Big Week for the Chiefs!

*****

EXIT POLLS indicate Joe Biden came in last place.

- Joe was undeterred saying, “Let’s put this one behind us… AND NOW ON TO IOWA!!!”

*****

Democrat House Impeachment manager Adam Schiff warned that if Trump isn’t removed from office, he could sell Alaska back to Russia in order to gain their support in the 2020 Election.

- If that actually happens, Sarah Palin will REALLY be able to see Russia from her house!

*****

Sunny Hostin, one of the co-hosts on “The View” says she considers it “The most important political show on TV”.

- If you ask me it’s more like the “Jerry Springer Show”… Without the chair throwing.

*****

The internet is still divided over Shakira and J-Lo’s halftime performances at the Super Bowl with many saying it was nothing more than a fancy stripper show.

- When is the NFL gonna wake up and hire a more family friendly act? Like say… Madonna?

*****

PETA is demanding that the Groundhog used to predict how long winter will last - be replaced with a robot because coming out of it’s hole is too “stressful” on the Groundhog.

- Wait til People for the Ethical Treatment of Robots hear about this.

*****

At the end of his show yesterday Rush Limbaugh announced that he’s been diagnosed with Stage IV Lung Cancer. No matter where you stand politically, please join us in wishing him well as he fights to beat this!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Bernie Sanders has passed Joe Biden as the betting favorite to win the democratic nomination with Bernie at 38% to Biden’s 34%.

- Meanwhile Elizabeth Warren is so desperate for votes she’s driving from town to town campaigning in her Jeep Cherokee.

*****

Apple posted its highest fourth quarter earnings ever thanks to strong iPhone sales.

- Stock holders will get a bonus check… and Kindergartners in China will get an extra juice box.

*****

NASA unveiled its first ever, “Space Home,” where Americans will have a massive window to view the earth while they’re in space. 

- NASA saved BIG by buying from Wallside Windows during the “Buy One Double Hung Window, Get One Double Hung Window FREE” Sale.

- And they got the Space Seats during the “12 Hour EVERYTHING MUST GO Sale” at Art Van. 

*****

Beauty Experts say that Kim Kardashian’s use of False Eyelashes is single handedly “Killing the Mascara industry”.

- On the bright side, sales of Gigantic Panties are on the rise. 

*****

The University of Missouri has started using an app to track students’ locations and make sure they attend class. 

- In the old days, this kind of “App” was known as “Mom and Dad”.

*****

Hillary Clinton told a crowd at the Sundance Film Festival that she feels the urge to run in 2020 and that she will WIN. 

 - If this was anyone other than Hillary, the family would have staged some sort of INTERVENTION by now. 

*****

Presidential Hopeful Michael Bloomberg is being mocked for greeting a dog by shaking its snout in a video that shows him to be visibly unfamiliar with dogs. 

- In his defense… Bloomberg is worth $60 BILLION so he’s used to paying someone ELSE to say “hello” to dogs for him.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

President Trump’s defense team rested its case Tuesday after saying there’s “not enough evidence” for the Senate to convict him.

- And just for good luck they added, “If the Quid Pro Quo don’t fit, You must acquit”.

*****

The makers of Jameson Irish Whiskey are selling a cold brew coffee that is 70 proof.

- Looks like the Best Part of Waking Up is no longer having Folgers in your cup.

*****

Someone broke into Billy Joel’s Long Island home and damaged 12 of the many motorcycles he keeps in his garage.

- Apparently police aren’t the only ones who think Billy shouldn’t be driving.

*****

According to a leaked report, the wreckage of the Titanic was hit by a submarine last year but the US government swore everyone involved to secrecy.

- Well as they used to say during World War II… “Loose Lips Sink Ships!”

*****

A new survey found that one third of Americans are stressed out before they even get to work.

- And those are just the ones who work out of their homes.

*****

Ratings for The Grammy’s sunk to a twelve-year low, with eighteen million people watching the award show that’s known as “Music’s Biggest Night.”

- I always thought “Music’s Biggest Night” was the night Elvis and Mama Cass went to Dairy Queen for a Peanut Buster Parfait.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

With the Iowa Caucuses less than a week away, odds makers say Bernie Sanders is favored to win.

- Meanwhile Eiizabeth Warren is blaming her drop in the Gallup and Totem Polls on what she calls a Media “Hatchet Job”.

*****

A woman died while taking part in a cake-eating competition in Australia.

- Police blamed it on “Bundt Force Trauma”.

*****

The FBI says that Prince Andrew has given “Zero” cooperation in the Jeffrey Epstein case despite saying he’d help authorities however he could.

- In his defense, Andrew’s been busy helping his girlfriend study for the SAT’s.

*****

Hillary Clinton told an interviewer that losing the 2016 election wasn’t really about her, it was about the “threat of a woman running for president”.

- That, and the not going to Michigan, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania thingy.

*****

In order to avoid a Contempt of Court charge, Hunter Biden has agreed to pay an unspecified amount of child support to his baby mama for their 18 month old love child.

- Gosh. I hope he can afford it.

- To show what a great guy he is, Hunter even set up a College Fund for the baby at the University of Ukraine.

*****

61 year old Madonna - who is dating a 26 year old dancer - has cancelled her “Madame X” show in England for the TENTH TIME due to “injuries”.

- Apparently she sprained her Borderline while teaching her Boy Toy how to Vogue.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A study published in the Journal of Medical Ethics found that men can still be effective sperm donors after they die.

- But it won’t be nearly as much fun.

*****

Astronauts at the International Space Station made history by whipping up a batch of Chocolate Chip Cookies which looked normal, but took TWO HOURS to bake.

- Am I the only one who assumed they’d make Moon Pies??

*****

A Florida woman was arrested for assaulting her boyfriend with a Bible.

- The Judge is going to throw the Good Book at her.

*****

A growing number of teenage boys are dipping their “fellas” in soy sauce after it was revealed that testicles have taste receptors.

- And to think when I was a teenager… we spent January afternoons making SNOW Balls.

*****

Researchers at the University of Michigan are developing a new pill that would prevent the need to exercise.   

 - They got the idea from Bill Cosby who invented a pill that prevented the need to give your consent.   

*****

70-year-old Caitlyn Jenner - who was married three times while she was a man, say’s she/he’s given up on finding love with a man as a woman and wouldn’t sleep with anyone unless it was true love. 

- He’s such an old fashioned girl! 

- That reminds me of the Percy Sledge hit that was way ahead of it’s time politically… “When a Man IS a Woman”. 

*****

A baby goat in India was born with a human face which which local villagers believe was sent as a messenger of God. 

- Everybody in the village is excited about this, except for the guy who the goat looks like.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Tempers flared as the opening day of the Impeachment trial dragged out until 2am.

- Most of the Senators haven’t stayed up that late since the last all-night “Matlock-a-Palooza” Marathon aired on TV Land.

*****

No food or coffee was allowed in the Senate Chamber… but Senators could nibble on sweets from a secret desk filled with Candy.

- The Repubs called the candy a “Guilty Pleasure” and the Dems called it a “TRUMP IS GUILTY…Pleasure”.

*****

Teen Climate Activist Greta Thunberg stared at President Trump with an angry look on her face during his speech to the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland.

- Isn’t she supposed to be in school or something??

*****

Harry is back in Canada with Meghan and says they’re ready to start their “private lives” away from the media.

- Harry made the announcement about Privacy after calling the Press and telling them to come over because he was about to make an announcement about wanting Privacy.

*****

A survey by Mattress Firm found that the average American only sleeps five and a half hours per night.

- Well maybe if their mattresses were a LITTLE LESS FIRM, I’d get more sleep.

- Question: Do they mean Five and a Half Hours IN A ROW???

*****

A Cyber Security Survey found that a Massive Data Breach has exposed the private banking information of 4,000 porn stars.

- This ISN’T the first time “Privates” and “Porn Star” have been used in the same sentence.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

According to a new survey, only ONE IN TEN Millennials manage to clean their bathroom at least once a month.

- The other 9 expect their Mom do it since it’s HER house anyway.

*****

Two Florida psychics were charged with fraud and forced to pay back $1.4 Million they bilked from their victims.

- Wow. You gotta have Crystal Balls to take advantage of people like that.

*****

Special Forces Captured a 560-pound ISIS terrorist on Friday who had to be hauled away on a flat bed truck.

- The Navy Seals captured him at Baghdad’s “Eat ‘Til You Explode” Buffet.

- He was captured once before but escaped after stabbing a Guard with a Lamb Shank.

*****

Pope Francis has appointed a woman to a Senior Vatican position.

- He made the announcement by releasing smoke from a Camomile, Lavender & Vanilla Bean Yankee Candle out of the chimney in the Sistine Chapel.

*****

Amazon is developing new terminals that will link your credit card information to your palm print so you can pay for groceries by waving your hand at checkout. 

- But there’s still a good chance you’ll get stuck behind the lady who pulls out her checkbook AFTER everything has been bagged then spends ten minutes filling out the ledger.

- They got the idea from watching Harry and Meghan waving their Royal Future goodbye.

*****

A deaf man is suing “PornHub” because their site doesn’t include close captioning or any other means of getting the dialogue. 

- I’m thinking this guy is the only man in history who actually DID just read Playboy for the articles.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Shortened blog for the holiday!

Harry and Meghan have given up their Royal titles and plan to make a living doing Voiceovers.

- First up? Harry in the “LION-Who-Was-Never-Going-To-Be-KING”.

*****

A new survey found that people who live in Michigan spend 136 hours of their lifetime doing chores like vacuuming.

- Well that sucks.

*****

An Alaskan Dentist who shared a video in which he removed a sleeping patient’s tooth while riding a hoverboard has been found guilty of “Unlawful Dental Acts.” 

- It was an historic decision because up til now the only “Unlawful Dental Acts” were Root Canals. 

*****

For the first time ever, the NY Times has endorsed two candidates:  Amy Kloubachar and Elizabeth Warren for President calling Warren “A GIFTED STORYTELLER”.

- It’s true! Who could forget that story she told about being an Indian?

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A new poll found that Amazon is in the Top Two most trusted brands in the country. 

- At least that’s what Alexa told the polling company when they called your house. 

*****

The music-streaming service Spotify has launched a playlist for Dogs who are left home alone.

- Finally! I understand why it’s called “Spot”-i-fy.

*****

Cory Booker dropped out of the Presidential Race this week.

- Elizabeth Warren said she’s “saddened” that now she’s “The only Black Man still in the running”.

*****

During this week in 1861, the steam elevator was patented by Elisha Otis.

- And on the very next day, he patented the “Out of Order” sign. 

*****

73-year-old Suzanne Somers says her sex life is still “going strong” and she feels the Big O up to 8 times in just a couple hours. 

- At 73 “The Big O” probably refers to “Osteoporosis”.

- Admit it… you’re kind of mad at yourself for not buying a ThighMaster back in the 80’s? 

*****

Meghan Markle -DID NOT call in from Canada so she could be part of the big pow-wow with the Queen earlier this week. Why? Meghan said it was “Unnecessary”.

- That and Meghan doesn’t qualify for the “Friends and Family” plan. 

Meanwhile, Meghan’s dad is planning to be a key witness AGAINST HER in court during her lawsuit against a British tabloid.

- Good luck finding a Hallmark Card to mark THAT occasion.

*****

Organizers of the Tokyo Olympics say their new cardboard beds can withstand two athletes having sex but not three.

- But the bed will still play the National Anthem for whoever ends up on top.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Monday!

-Dick

Yesterday, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau seems to have inferred that the downing of a Ukrainian passenger jet by Iranian Missiles was President Trump’s fault.

- Hard to believe Trudeau said that with a Black… um, I mean STRAIGHT Face.

*****

A Navy spokesperson says releasing the Government’s Top Secret UFO Files would cause “exceptionally grave damage to the National Security of the United States.”

- Well that statement should erase any fears we have of the Little Green Men and Flying Saucers.

*****

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev just announced that the ENTIRE GOVERNMENT is resigning in a surprise statement released shortly after Prez Vladimir Putin delivered his annual state-of-the-nation address. (TRUE!)

- Or as the mainstream media is reporting it: “Russian Government Resigns in Order to Help Trump’s Re-Election Campaign”

*****

Insiders say that when the cameras are OFF, the “The View” is a “Toxic swamp that destroys people”.

- As opposed to the Feel-Good-Love-Fest that it is when the cameras are ON!!

*****

Stormy Daniels former Attorney and Democrat Presidential hopeful Michael Avenatti who faces decades in prison for embezzlement was arrested for bail violations by IRS agents last night in the middle of a court hearing for another matter.

- Wasn’t it just yesterday that CNN and MSNBC were gushing that Avenatti had a good chance of becoming the next President of the United States during a total of 108 TV interviews??

*****

An 86-year-old South Carolina man was busted for armed bank robbery during broad daylight.

- He had planned to rob the bank when it was dark out, but his 79 year old getaway guy isn’t allowed to drive at night.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick