Queen Elizabeth is holding a family meeting during Tea Time today to discuss Prince Harry & Meghan’s announcement that they’re “Quitting” the Royal Family.

- Meghan’s afraid that the Queen will try to kill her but Harry tipped Meghan off that the pellet with the poison is in the flagon with the dragon or the chalice from the palace, and the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true. (Thanks to Danny Kaye and the classic movie “The Court Jester”!)

*****

Meanwhile, Elton John is denying reports that Harry & Meghan told him their plans BEFORE they told the Queen.

- But it explains why when Harry told his Grandmother that Meghan would be on the phone from Canada during the meeting, the Queen said, “How nice. The Bitch is Back”.

*****

Charmin unveiled a robot at the Computer Electronics Show that will bring you a new roll of toilet paper if you run out while you’re on the bowl. 

- They say this new robot could wipe out the need to keep an extra roll on the handle of your plunger.

- This is the biggest announcement involving the Throne since Harry & Meghan decided to hand in their scepters.

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Palace insiders say the Queen Elizabeth is afraid that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will give an explosive, tell-all interview about 'sexism and racism' in the royal family to their friend Oprah Winfrey.

- I’m thinking Harry and Meghan are just sucking up to Oprah cause they could really use a NEW CAR!
*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Queen Elizabeth is said to be FURIOUS after finding out that Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle are “quitting” their positions as Senior Royals and moving to Canada… on a “Breaking News” announcement on TV.

- There hasn’t been someone this uncomfortable on the Throne since Elvis ate too many Peanut Butter and ‘Nana Sandwiches.

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Insiders say Prince William was “Incandescent with rage” that Harry told him about his plans just 10 MINUTES before he told the press.

- I miss the good old days when the most controversial thing Harry did was get drunk and dress up like a Nazi.

*****

It’s Richard Nixon’s Birthday! The 37th President would have turned 107 today.

- If he were alive today, he’d bake himself a birthday cake. Then again, we all remember him telling us, “I’m not a Cook!”

*****

Taco Bell has posted job opening for “Restaurant Managers” with a starting salary of $100,000 a year.

- They’ll also get a company car and Taco Bell will provide the GAS.

*****

Producers on “The View” say that none of the other hosts are speaking to Megan McCain during commercial breaks and after the show is over.

- If only we could get them to stop speaking to each other while the show is ON.

*****

Leo DiCaprio is being hailed as a hero for rescuing a man who had fallen off a cruise ship and had been lost in shark infested waters for 11 hours.

- Leo says he’s no hero, that he just did “What anyone would do”. Except for Kate Winslet who wouldn’t even move over so he could share that floating door with her in “Titanic”.

*****

The San Francisco 49’s now have the NFL’s first Emotional Support Dog - A French Bulldog named “Zoe” who helps the players Destress before big games.

- The 49’s only lost 3 games this year. The Lions only WON 3. At this point the Lions need an Emotional Support ZOO.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A very fluid situation as the Iran situation continues to play out. We’re sending our thoughts and Prayers to the Troops!

*****

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos’ girlfriend Lauren Sanchez turned the Big 5-O.

- He wished her a Happy Birthday and Many Happy FREE Returns.

*****

The Judge in Harvey Weinstein’s Sexual Assault trial threatened to throw him in jail yesterday because Harvey wouldn’t stop using his cell phone in Court.

- In his defense, Harvey was playing “Words-With-My-Only-Friend” with Matt Lauer.

*****

Some Hollywood Stars have admitted they used “Bust Dust Anti-Boob Sweat Spray” to keep their cleavage dry during the Golden Globes.

- Not a big story… but hey, it’s TOP-ical.

*****

A new study found that people who take up marathon running - even people over 40 - can cut their “Arterial Age” by four years after just one race. 

- You may die of a heart attack, but your arteries will look great during the autopsy. 

*****

According to a new survey, less than 3 in 10 registered voters in America can find Iran on a map.

- Depending on how things play out, it may not be there much longer anyway.

*****
Newly released documents show that Chelsea Clinton has earned $9 million dollars since 2011 serving on the board of an internet investment firm controlled by Hillary.

- What? You’ve never heard of a parent giving their kid an allowance?

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Hollywood is seeing Red after Ricky Gervais’ scathing monologue at the Golden Globes where he told the so-called “Woke” celebs to “stop lecturing people” because they “have no idea what real life is like”.

- The stars were so outraged they paid their Chauffeurs to Key his Limo.

- Cher called Gervais “Two Faced”… and she outta know.

Meanwhile in the fashion department… Many of the females stars opted for plunging necklines.

- Proving once again that the “Golden Globes” is also a dress code for the evening.

*****

The body of Iraqi General Qassem Soleimani was flown back to IRAN in COACH class yesterday.

- He would have Blown Up about not getting upgraded to FIRST CLASS… except he’d already been Blown Up.

*****

Tom Brady and Giselle Bundchen have cut the selling price of their Massachusetts home from $41 to $33 MILLION.

- So they’ll have to sell at a loss. Not as big a loss as the one to the Tennessee Titans, but still…

*****

“Star Wars” was the top film at the Box Office in the first full week of the year bringing in $33 Million.

- To paraphrase Seinfeld… “Yoda, Yoda, Yoda”.

*****

The Jeopardy "Greatest of All Time" special tournament starts tonight at 8 p.m. on ABC featuring Ken Jennings, Brad Rutter and James Holzhauer playing against each other for $1 MILLION.

- So if you’re in the mood to feel 3 times more of an Idiot than you usually do watching Jeopardy!… tune in tonight!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Another shortened blog for the holiday week… Hey, we deserve a little vacation too!

*****

Kathy Griffin got engaged to her longtime boyfriend on New Year’s Eve.

- The happy couple is registered at Bed, Bath, and Be-Head.

*****

Eddie Murphy - my “co-star” in Beverly Hills Cop III - hosted Saturday Night Live last weekend and drew a huge audience of 16 million viewers.

- Asked how he felt about that, Eddie said… “O-Tay!”

*****

Political insiders say Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders have the best chance of winning the Democrat Presidential Nomination.

- What was that thing again that the Dem debaters kept saying… That the countries problems are because of “Old White Men”??

*****

Pope Francis apologized for swatting away a woman who grabbed his hand on Christmas Eve saying that “So many times we lose patience. Me, too”.

- Wow. I never thought the Pope would be a part of the #MeToo Movement.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

From the Purtan Family to You and Yours… Happy New Year!

May your 2020 be filled with Health and Happiness!

-Dick

Another Shortened-for-the-Holiday blog today…

On this day in 1907 the Ball dropped for the first time in NYC’s Times Square beginning a New Year’s Eve tradition.

- And two days ago, the Lions continued their decades old tradition of dropping the ball period.

*****

In Mount Olive, N.C., a 3 ft. Pickle will descend from a Pole to celebrate the New Year.

- Or you can always visit Anthony Weiner’s house in NYC for a less impressive Pickle.

*****

Arnold Schwarzenegger posted a pic on Instagram featuring himself and Clint Eastwood skiing together at an undisclosed location.

- Clint was dressed as his character in “Dirty Harry” and Arnold went as the maid he hired to clean his “Dirty House”.

*****

Joe Biden says he’ll consider asking a Republican to run as his VP if he wins the nomination… but when asked “Who?” he said he “couldn’t think of one now”.

- Here’s a suggestion: Stormy Daniels! I’m not sure if she’s Republican… but she performs well on all the poles.

*****

Have a Great day and a Safe and Happy New Year’s Eve. I’ll see you in 2020!

-Dick

Shortened blog today… I’m on hold waiting to make my annual New Year’s Eve reservations at White Castle.

*****

Taylor Swift now has security cameras focused on her butt “at all times” after she was groped at a Meet and Greet in Colorado.

- She should get a second camera to stay focused on her ego.

*****

Pope Francis told his millions of followers to put down their phones during mealtime.

- He made the announcement on Twitter while having Christmas dinner at the Vatican.

*****

An Arizona man applied to have a swarm of bees approved for travel as his “Emotional Support Animal”… and his request was approved.

- So it’s okay to bring a hive full of live Bees on a plane but I can’t bring on more than 4 ounces of Honey??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday… the LAST DAY of 2019!

-Dick

The other night Jackie, her fiancé Rick and I were out to dinner and saw this little guy sitting on his Mom’s lap, fascinated with her phone. He stared at it intently for so long that Jackie pulled out her camera and took a picture. With the light from the screen reflecting on his face, he looked Angelic. It was an image that we felt, in it’s innocent way, captured the true spirit of Christmas. We hope you agree!

From our Family to You and Yours, Have a Safe, Healthy & Merry Christmas!

-Dick

Prez Trump has become the 3rd US President to be Impeached.

- According to many political experts this could all but ensure his reelection in 2020… So look for “Make Impeachment Great Again” baseball caps coming soon to a store near you! (To be honest, Trump strikes me as the kind of guy who - deep down - doesn’t really give a rats patoot that the Dems impeached him!!)

*****

Nancy Pelosi is being mocking on social media for wearing a funeral-like black dress and calling the proceedings “Somber”.

- I watched her… and I haven’t seen anyone in a black dress so EXCITED since Caitlyn Jenner’s Coming Out Party.

*****

Forget plastic surgery… More and more celebrities are hiring “Personal Face Trainers”… who get their facial muscles in shape by putting them through a workout.

- Kim Kardashian bragged that she can bench press 100 pounds with each side of her face. At least I THINK that’s what she meant by “Cheeks”.

*****

A retired Air Force General claims the U.S. Military has technology that can transport a person anywhere on earth within an hour.

- Unless the place you want to go is the front of the line at the Secretary of States office.

*****

Bernie Sanders is rumored to be considering Elizabeth Warren as his running mate if he wins the Democratic nomination.

- Liz was so excited she started dancing. And suddenly it started to rain. Coincidence? Maybe.

*****

In response to Corporate complaints that workers spend too much time in the bathroom, the “British Toilet Association” is pushing a new toilet with a sloping seat that makes sitting on it uncomfortable after 5 minutes.

- Brits say they’re 100% Behind it!!

- So now in Britain, the only one allowed to stay on the Throne for more than 5 minutes is the Queen.

*****

Amazon has come up with a way to “distract” people from pesky arguments at Holiday gatherings. Just say “Alexa… Change the subject” and she’ll suggest a new topic of conversation like “What’s the best Christmas Song?”

- For me it’s toss up between “Chesnuts Roasting On An Open Fire Caused By Global Warming”, “Rudolph The Red Nose Russian Connection” and “It’s The Most Wonderful Time of The Year For Impeachment!”. Those should distract people from arguing at the Christmas table!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Today’s the day… At 7pm the House of Representatives will officially vote on 2 Articles of Impeachment against Prez Trump.

- Then they’ll all go out to a bar where Nancy Pelosi will order a White Russian for Trump and he’ll order a SHOT and a Beer for her. On the House.

*****

Tonight’s Impeachment vote comes almost 21 years to the day Bill Clinton was impeached.

- Not that it matters, but you gotta admit Monica Lewinsky is way better looking than the President of Ukraine.

*****

Former Child star Maitland Ward says she makes more money doing Porn than she ever did working for Disney.

- Back then she worked with Sneezy and Grumpy. Today it’s Sleezy and Humpy.

*****

Monday Night Football Announcer Booger McFarland is being mocked after he drew an image on the telestrator that resembled a penis.

- On the bright side, he’s used to “being mocked”… since his name is “Booger McFarland”.

*****

77 year old Joe Biden released a letter from his doctor which says he has atrial fibrillation, has acid reflux and takes heart & cholesterol medication.

- Joe takes more pills than Bill Cosby’s dates.

- Instead of running for Presidents, sounds like Joe Should be running for “Resident”… of an Assisted Living Home.

*****

The makers of a Parenting APP say that 40% of boys have sent a SEXT message by the age of 14.

- The other 60% RECEIVED a Sext message from one of their female teachers.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Taco Bell is opening a “Tram-Thru” in Australia that allows riders to place an order and pick it up their tacos when they pass the restaurant.

- I suggest eating near the Tram’s bathroom since your Caboose may be on fire.

*****

A man in CA has set a new eating record… Having Chik-fil-A 114 days in a row.

- I’ve never had a Chic-fil-A but they’re opening new locations in Novi and Allen Park to go with the ones in Rochester, Troy and Yspilanti. So soon we’ll know why the PEOPLE crossed the road… to get to the Chicken Sandwich.

*****

Pics have surfaced of 61 year old Madonna being hugged passionately from behind by her 25-year-old boyfriend on the balcony of a hotel in Miami.

- Do you think there’s any chance he was just doing the Heimlich Maneuver?

*****

According to a massive new study, eating Chili Peppers 4 times a week reduces your risk of heart attack by 40% and stroke by 50%. Meanwhile, another study found that any amount of running can lower your risk of early death.

- And if you run to the store to get Chili Peppers… you could live FOREVER!

*****

A Florida woman was arrested for choking her female lover over a bag of potato chips.

- Police fear the “Potato Chip Attacker” will strike again because “No One Can Choke Just One”.

*****

Kanye West and Joel Osteen are in talks to bring his “Sunday Service” on tour.

- Joel will open the show with a Prayer and then Kanye will Rap things up.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders are almost neck and neck in the latest polls.

- And those are two wrinkly old necks.

*****

According to a new survey, almost 50% of adults in the US would rather get Cash to help pay off their debts than a Gift during the Holidays.

- Cash is the PERFECT for the guy who has everything… including Student Loans and a Mortgage.

*****

Harvey Weinstein said he’s done more for women than any other man in Hollywood and - for that - he should get a Pat on the Back.

- As opposed to all his female victims who he gave a Pat on the backSIDE.

*****

The Hallmark Channel has changed course again and announced that it will continue airing a commercial that shows two women kissing despite protests from a conservative women’s group.

- “Hallmark. When You Care Enough to PROTEST the Very Best”.

*****

Lori Laughlin and her husband are said to be conducting “Mock Trials” to get experience before they head into court for their College Admissions Scandal Trial early next year.

- I’m thinking they should skip the “Mock Trials” and go straight to the “Mock Prison” part.

*****

Hunter Biden’s is about to become a father for the 5th time! His 2nd wife, who he married two weeks after breaking up with his deceased brothers widow who he had been dating for two years after taking up with her following a week-long crack binge and whom he cheated on with an Arkansas stripper who had his baby and is now suing him for child support… is Pregnant!!!

- Nothing like a feel-good romance to brighten the Holidays!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A new research report claims Home Assistants like the Amazon Echo have been activating and listening to couples’ having sex.

- Turns out “Alexa” is a lot easier to turn on than your partner.

*****

A new poll found that 63% of DEMOCRATS think Obama was a better President than Washington.

- Meanwhile… 0% of REPUBLICANS think Obama was a better President than Mr. Belvedere.

*****

A Ugandan man who can kill mosquito’s simply by “breaking wind” has been hired by an extermination company to create a Bug Repellent.

- He’ll start the new job as soon as he gives his two-week notice at the Gas Company.

*****

Harvey Weinstein is close to settling out of court with his #MeToo accusers for $25 MILLION.

- The lesson here is “If You Keep Taking Off Your Pants… You End Up Losing Your Shirt”.

*****

A video of an Amish man skiing off the back of a carriage has gone viral on the internet.

- Too bad he has no way to watch the video.

*****

Elizabeth Warren admitted that she made almost $2 MILLION doing legal work for big corporate clients over the past 30 years.

- She says she’s embarrassed now, but at the time it was a real Feather in her cap.

******

One of Kim Kardashian’s former friends claims in a new novel that Kim’s mom, Kris Jenner is the one who convinced Kim to sell her infamous sex tape for $5 MILLION.

- It’s just like when my Mom convinced me to get a paper route. Except for the sex and millionaire part.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Rover.com has determined that a growing number of people are picking names for their pets based on marijuana… including Budder, Herb and Kush.

- If you want your dog or cat to have a more “human” name… just go with “Willie Nelson”.

*****

A new study finds that Children read more when they’re in the presence of Dogs.

- In a related story, kids in the presence of cats lay on the back of the couch and act annoyed.

*****

With the ink on the 2 articles of impeachment not even dry, some Democrats are saying they’d be willing to Impeach Trump AGAIN if he wins reelection in 2020.

- Call me crazy, but I’m beginning to think the Dems don’t like him.

*****

Time Magazine’s Person of the Year 2019 is… 16 year old Climate Change Activist Greta Thunberg who famously said “How dare you? You have stolen my dreams and my childhood!”

- I said the same thing to my parents when I was 16 but I didn’t get “Person of the Year” - I got grounded.

*****

The ex-stripper suing Hunter Biden for child support wants him to reveal how much he made while serving on the board of the Ukrainian natural gas company.

- She reportedly wants $50 Grand a month. All in singles.

*****

A Maine man was arrested for creating a meth lab inside a children’s playroom at a church.

- Who among us hasn’t faced the challenges of juggling work and childcare??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

A growing number of left wing publications are turning on Elizabeth Warren as more details are revealed about her making almost $2 MILLION working for big banks.

- Apparently they don’t like Liz’s “Capitalism for ME, Socialism for YOU” program.

*****

An online survey by Harris Poll shows Hillary Clinton slightly ahead of Joe Biden if she were to enter the race last minute.

- Biden called the survey results “A bunch of Malarkey” and told Hillary to “Make like a Banana and Split”.

*****

A survey by Moonstruck Chocolate found that the average American spends over $30,000 on snacks over the course of their lifetime.

- Or $30,000 a MONTH if you buy your snacks at the Movie Theater.

*****

Georgia police are looking for a runner who slapped a Female Reporter’s butt during a race on live TV Saturday.

- I’m bettin’ this isn’t the first race he’s run where he brought up the Rear.

*****

A European company has launched a new video game named “I Am Jesus” that allows gamers to play through key moments in the Bible.

- It makes a great gift if your Grandkid has the “PRAY Station II”.

*****

A new study found that birth control pills are SHRINKING a part of Women’s Brains.

- This is the exact OPPOSITE of what Viagra does for a different part of the MALE Brain.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

In a new interview, Joe Biden BLAMED HIS STAFF for not telling him that it could be a conflict of interest to have his son Hunter make hundreds of thousands of dollars in Ukraine while Joe was shaping US/Ukraine policy.

- Sounds like someone just got thrown under the “No Malarkey” bus.

*****

KFC fans can now make a fashion statement with a $50 shirt that’s been soaked in gravy for three days, then dried.

- I wore gravy on my shirt on Thanksgiving and it didn’t cost me a dime.

*****

Madonna’s daughter Lourdes performing nearly nude in a simulated orgy during an Art Exhibit in Miami Beach over the weekend.

- The Apple doesn’t fall far from the Tree! Speaking of which, all of Lordes partners were treated with Antibiotics to prevent Dutch Elm Disease.

*****

The Mafia in Italy is finally allowing gay men to join after it turns out a mob chief's son is living as a drag queen called Lady Godiva.

- They figured out he was gay when a gorgeous woman made him an offer he COULD refuse.

*****

The World Anti-Doping Agency has banned Russia from the upcoming Tokyo Olympics for past doping with Steroids.

- Just what we need… More talk about Russian Erection Interference.

*****

Carroll Spinney, who played Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch for nearly 50 years on 'Sesame Street,' died Sunday at the age of 85.

- His funeral will be brought to you by the letters R, I & P.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Hillary Clinton told Howard Stern that she’s never had a Lesbian affair, never even been “tempted” and, in fact, “likes Men”.

- Except for her husband.

*****

Actor Josh Brolin says he tried a hot new wellness trend “perineum sunning” - where you lay out in the sun with your naked butt pointed to the sun — and ended up in great pain.

- Well… They don’t call it “Where the Sun Don’t Shine” for nothin’!

- If Kim Kardashian ever tries this they’re gonna have to call the fire department.

*****

Melania Trump unveiled a Patriotic Themed Christmas Display at the White House.

- Unfortunately, there’s no nativity scene because they couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin in D.C.

*****

Joe Biden is continuing his NO MALARKEY Bus Tour across Iowa.

- If it’s a success, Joe plans to follow up with a “23 Skidoo” Talking Tour next week.

*****

According to a new survey, only 40% of women are fully satisfied after sex with their partner.

- Get the full story on CBS during Sunday night’s edition of “60 Seconds”.

*****

Scientists at the University of Stockholm say they’ve found a perfectly preserved puppy that was frozen in ice for an amazing 18,000 years.

- What’s even MORE amazing? That’s 126,000 in Dog Years.

- They found him by looking for the yellow spot in the ice.

*****

The National Board of Review has named Director Martin Scorsese’s 3 1/2 hour long film, “The Irishman,” the Best Movie of the Year.

- The last time Dickie Boy went to a 3 and 1/2 hour movie… It wasn’t “The Pipes, The Pipes” that were calling… it was the Men’s room.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Kamala Harris dropped out of the 2020 Presidential race.

- Dem candidates are dropping faster than Dolly Parton’s boobs during a wardrobe malfunction.

*****

Once again, some on Social Media are calling for an end to the showing of “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer”. They claim it promotes “bullying”.

- Get out your shovels - the Snowflakes are back.

- Santa’s mad and Rudolph’s nose is really out of joint.

*****

This Headline verbatim from Cable News… “Rapper Offset and wife Cardi B are denying accusations that the Migos rapper hit on the girlfriend of incarcerated artist Tekashi 6ix9ine via Instagram”.

- HUH??

*****

A video of Joe Biden nibbling on his wife’s finger during a campaign rally in Iowa has gone viral.

- The way things are going, this could be the final French-Manicured Nail in Joe’s political coffin.

*****

The Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony in Boise, Idaho was delayed after the tree fell over.

- On a bright note, it DID make a sound because there were lots of people there to hear it.

*****

A Rolex watch worn by Marlon Brando is expected to go for $1 million or more when it goes up for auction later this month.

- There’s no asking price. They’re just looking for someone to make them an offer they can’t refuse.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Last week’s health scare for Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has pundits warning that we could be on the brink of another brutal confirmation process like Brett Kavanaugh’s.

- The Dems have already lined up their first “Bombshell Witness”… And nobody’s even been nominated yet.

*****

A YouGov Poll found that a majority of Republican voters think Prez Trump is a better President than Abraham Lincoln.

- But they thought Abe had better hair.

*****

Joe Biden is on an eight-day bus trip around Iowa… which he’s calling the “No Malarky Tour”.

- The last time a Candidate went on a No “Malarky” Tour Rutherford B. Hayes was running for President.

*****

A Florida woman was arrested after she faked a medical emergency in order to get a larger seat on an American Airlines plane.

- And to think I feel bad taking dibs on the arm rest.

*****

Some movie goers in Seattle were evacuated after a package containing “Highly Contagious” human urine was accidentally delivered to the theater.

- Ironically, the movie they were watching was rated Pee-G.

*****

A Texas woman who was voted “Teacher of the Year” has been arrested for having sex with a male student.

- Apparently she’s running for Re-Election.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick