The Presidential Candidates will be enjoying Thanksgiving Dinner Thursday just like the rest of us.

- Elizabeth Warren is promising “Free Turkey for All” but won’t eat Gravy because she “Doesn’t like anything (or anyone) that’s too Rich”.

*****

A Camel, a Cow and a Donkey were photographed roaming together along a road in Kansas.

- They were about to walk into a bar, but the Camel wasn’t thirsty.

*****

Three out of four members of the “Squad” of freshman Democratic congresswoman are under investigation for campaign finance law violations just 10 months into their terms.

- In their defense, they don’t have time to pay attention to their own money… They’re too busy trying to take all of ours with the Green New Deal.

*****

Forget the “Multiply by 7” Rule… There’s a new formula to figure out the age of your dog: Use a calculator to determine the “ Natural Algorythm” of your dogs real age, multiply that number by 16, then add 31.

- Or you can do what I always did… Ask your Dog!!

*****

Jane Fonda wore the same outfit TWICE during one week after announcing that she’ll never buy another piece of clothing in order to help save the planet.

- Lucky for Jane, the outfit she wore when she sat on that Viet Cong Anti-Aircraft Gun in the 70’s is TOTALLY back in style!!!

*****

Tim Berners-Lee, the man who invented the Internet, has unveiled a plan to protect the world from misinformation and mass surveillance.

- I’m no tech expert, but here’s an idea: Try Unplugging your Computer.

*****

On this day in 1960, Legendary Red Wing Gordie Howe became the first NHL player in history to score 1000 total points! (Goals & Assists combined)

*****

Have a great day… travel safely… and I’ll see you back here on Thanksgiving!

-Dick

A survey found that one in four Americans are tired of their traditional Thanksgiving Food.

- Let me get this straight… They’re tired of the meal they eat ONCE A YEAR but Taco Bell is in their weekly rotation??

*****

A Mexican Church is upset with a sculptor who made a Giant Statue of the Baby Jesus that looks a lot like Phil Collins.

- Apparently the artist thought the story of Jesus’s birth came from the Book of Genesis.

*****

Bread and Butter, the two turkeys who will be battling for a pardon from President Trump at the White House today, spent the night at a $200 a night D.C. Hotel.

- The last time two famous turkeys spent the night in D.C., Rosie O’Donnell and Joy Behar were visiting the White House.

*****

Reynold’s Wrap is urging people try something new this Thanksgiving: Coating your bird with the powdered cheese packets from your favorite brand of Mac ‘n Cheese.

- It’ll go great with my favorite… Mashed Potato Chips and Gravy.

*****

Imprisoned Drug Kingpin El Chapo's wife plans to unveil a clothing line named after her Convicted Murderer husband.

- The clothes will be available Online and in Drug Stores.

*****

On this day in 1999 Red Wing Great Steve Yzerman scored his 600th Goal.

And on this day in 2018 Big Al Muskovito picked up his 600th order of Almond Boneless Chicken from Wong’s Chinese Carryout.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

On this day in 1949 “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer” by Gene Autry appeared on music charts for the first time.

- The next day, He ran over Grandma.

*****

First Lady Melania Trump will officially unveil the White House Christmas Tree today.

- Or as the mainstream media will report it “Gold Digging Woman In White House Unveils Holiday Foliage After PUTIN Up All The Ornaments”.

*****

Saturday’s football game between Harvard and Yale was interrupted after students stormed the field to protest “Climate Injustice”.

- Whatever that is.

*****

Why did the Pilgrims cook the first Thanksgiving Dinner?

- Because the Indians forgot to make Reservations.

*****

Last night, Taylor Swift moonwalked past Michael Jackson’s record at the 2019 American Music Awards, taking home six honors including Artist of the Year and Artist of the Decade.

- She beat Michael by a nose. I’m just not sure which one.

*****

On this day in 1867 Swedish chemist Alfred Nobel patented Dynamite.

- Which, of course, made him a Shoe-In for the “Nobel Peace Price”.

Also on this day in 1867, the U.S. Congress began an inquiry to determine whether they should Impeach President Andrew Johnson.

- They accused him of a sending the President of Ukraine an “Improper” message by Carrier Pigeon.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A new survey found that the United States has over 1 million same sex households.

- And 250 Million NO sex households.

*****

Tom Hanks - who stars in the new movie “A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood” - revealed that a test on Ancestry.com found that he’s actually related to Mr. Rogers.

- In a related story, Ancestry.com revealed that Jeffrey Epstein was related to Mr. McFeely.

*****

Jussie Smollett is suing the city of Chicago for “malicious prosecution” saying his reputation has taken a serious beating.

- Ya think?

- If he’d wanted his reputation to take a serious beating he would have arranged it himself.

*****

In the wake of his disastrous interview regarding his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein, Queen Elizabeth has relieved her “favorite” son, Prince Andrew of his Royal Duties - and his $320,000 per year salary. Meanwhile Palace insiders say “No one” is talking to - or even texting - Prince Harry and Meghan after their “Woe is me” documentary.

- And you thought YOUR Thanksgiving Dinner was going to be awkward.

*****

DNA testing proves that Hunter Biden IS the father of a baby in Arkansas - despite his denial that he ever had sex with it’s mother - and now she wants child support.

- Gee… I hope he can come up with the money to pay her!!

- To his credit, Hunter has already set up college accounts for the baby at his favorite banks… First National of China and Ukraine Savings & Loan.

*****

Scientists say the human brain is 20% smaller than it was 20,000 years ago, but they say smaller doesn’t necessarily mean less powerful or slower.

- Proving once again that size DOESN’T matter.

*****

Gwyneth Paltrow - who famously called her divorce an “Uncoupling” - is offering Holiday Gifts on her website including a “Restraining Kit” for people whose idea of “Romance” includes Bondage, Dominance and Sadism - for just $1350.

- It’ll make a great Fishnet Stocking Stuffer!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Happy Birthday to Larry King who turns 86 today!

- What do you get the guy who has EVERYTHING?? Including EIGHT ALIMONY PAYMENTS??

*****

Wendy Thomas - the daughter of Wendy’s founder Dave Thomas, says her father once apologized to her for naming his hamburger chain “Wendy’s” because it put pressure on her.

- If you think that’s pressure… Think how the daughter of the founder of “Hooters” feels.

*****

President Trump says he’s “open to the idea” of testifying before Congress in the impeachment hearing.

- He’s about as “open” as Prince Andrew was in his interview about his buddy-buddy relationship with Jeffrey Epstein.

*****

A new study shows that 40% of people have misdiagnosed their health by Googling their symptoms.

- Say what you want, but if it wasn’t for Google I wouldn’t know that I’ve got PMS.

*****

Democrat Rep. Eric Swalwell of California is denying that he’s the one who “broke wind” very loudly during an interview with MSNBC’s Chris Matthews Monday night.

- In keeping with the Impeachment hearings, he blamed it on Trump.

*****

Colin Kaepernick hasn’t gotten any offers after his drama-filled workout for NFL coaches last weekend.

- At this point he might as well get on his Knees and beg for a job.

****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Florida police are looking for a man who broke into a Taco Bell and cooked himself food before running off.

- To the bathroom.

*****

Caitlyn Jenner reportedly stunned her family by announcing that he/she and her 23 year old girlfriend are trying to have a baby - and that Caitlyn is “going to be a Mom!”.

- For the baby’s sake… I hope Caitlyn plans on Bottle-Feeding.

*****

President Trump underwent an “Unplanned” physical at Walter Reed Medical Center Saturday as part of his annual medical exam.

- Or as the mainstream media reported it, “Trump Threatens to Withhold Co-Pay Unless Doc Agrees to Investigate Biden’s Cholesterol”.

*****

A CNBC study found that Americans are receiving over 2,000 unwanted robocalls every second… adding up to forty-nine million robocalls so far this year.

- Makes me miss the simple days when the only unwanted communication I got was emails from a guy in Nigeria.

*****

A woman in England became the first person to eat the World’s Largest Hot Dog - a three-foot frank with bacon jam, bacon mayo, pancetta, mustard and ketchup.

- Are you kidding me??? Who puts KETCHUP on a hot dog??

*****

A plane with Hillary Clinton aboard was grounded at LaGuardia Airport Sunday afternoon after suffering an unknown mechanical issue on the tarmac.

- The airline blamed in on an engine… Hillary blamed it on Russian Interference.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A United Airlines Pilot was busted for standing naked in the window of his hotel room inside the Denver Airport.

- A witness said, “He Loves to Fly… And it Shows”.

*****

A Drag Queen in a tight red dress and blond bouffant wig named “Pissi Miles” sashayed into the Capitol yesterday to watch Prez Trump’s impeachment hearing.

- He’s got everything Stormy Daniels has… AND THEN SOME!!

- There hasn’t been a wig like that in D.C. since George Washington gave his Farewell Address.

*****

While explaining how her viewers should handle Trump Supporters at family gatherings over the holidays, an MSNBC anchor described Thanksgiving as a “Problematic Food Holiday”.

- I can’t wait to hear her thoughts on Christmas… or as she probably calls it “The End of the Winter Shopping Season”.

*****

A NASA astronaut says “We need to build a shield around the world or an asteroid is going to hit the Earth - and Kill us all”.

- He may be an astronaut, but apparently he’s no rocket scientist.

*****

A woman who went to the Pentagon three times asking to see “Agent Penis” admits that she also went to Barack Obama’s house.

- I’m thinking a woman looking for “Agent Penis” got Obamas house confused with Bill Clinton’s.

*****

A video of two Monkeys dining out at restaurants has gone viral.

- There’s even a book about it… “Curious George Gets a Groupon”.

*****

Prince Harry is hinting at having a second baby with Meghan Markle so 6 month old baby Archie can be a big brother.

- They’ve even picked out names! Veronica if it’s a girl. Jughead if it’s a boy.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Today’s the day… Accusations will fly, tempers will flair and things will get pretty ugly.

And if I get tired of watching “The View”… I can always flip over to the Impeachment hearings.

*****

Yesterday, NBC fired The ENTIRE CAST of the daytime soap “Days of Our Lives”.

- This is horrible news for the actors… But potentially GREAT news for their evil twins.

- If the network carries out the firings at the same pace as the soap's story lines, their last day won't be for three or four more years.

*****

Hillary Clinton says she hasn’t ruled out a 3rd run for the White House saying, “many, many, many people” are “pressuring her” to enter the race.

- You know what they say… If at first, you don’t succeed… try, try again. And if your second time is a bust, why not try a third time?

*****

Indian Villagers have captured a giant elephant that injured five people during a wild stampede.

- He was hauled before a Judge who said it was “Time to Address the Elephant in the Room”.

*****

Disney’s new streaming service was hit by technical difficulties on its first day of service, leaving viewers unable to watch.

- Disney encouraged people to “Whistle While Our Service Doesn’t Work”.

*****

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have reportedly informed the Queen that they WILL NOT be spending Christmas with her - but will be spending it with Meghan’s Mom in California.

- In response, the Queen sent him a copy of her new favorite Christmas song…“Harry’s Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Insiders say Jeff Bezos is interested in buying an NFL team.

- Fingers crossed that he buys the Lions! We could get a Super Bowl victory delivered in just TWO YEARS with PRIME.

*****

Don Cherry, known for his legendary Hockey commentary and iconic colorful sport coats was fired for making what some call “Racist” remarks that immigrants should be grateful to military veterans.

- Let me get this straight… Justin Trudeau wears BLACKFACE and gets reelected… and Don Cherry basically says “Thank a Vet” and gets CANNED??

*****

Violence continues to breakout at Popeyes restaurants across the country as customers fight over their chicken sandwich.

- The last time there was this much fighting over a breast, two companies were vying for Dolly Parton’s bra business.

*****

Germany marked the 30th Anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall this weekend.

- In keeping with tradition, the German’s celebrated by invading Poland.

*****

A survey found that a growing number of millennials aren’t buying engagement rings because it saves them money.

- Don’t they mean it will save THEIR PARENTS money??

*****

A study by Britain’s National Health Service found that a growing number of 90-year-olds are being hospitalized for using cocaine.

- Proving my theory that Lipitor is a gateway drug.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

I believe the quote below says it perfectly. To all of our Veterans both living and departed - Thank you. We are humbled by your Service and the immense Sacrifices you and your families made for All of Us. You are as Great as the Country you defend.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday…

-Dick

Rosie O’Donnell has called off her engagement to Boston Police officer Elizabeth Rooney. It would have been Rosie’s 3rd marriage.

- I’m starting to think Rosie might be hard to get along with.

- She’s basically the Larry King of lesbians.

*****

Former Bill Clinton advisor Dick Morris says Hillary Clinton will run again because she’s spoken to God and believes it is her right to be President.

- God responded “I did not have a conversation… with that woman… Hillary Clinton”.

*****

Prince Charles spent $130 million dollars on a series of paintings that turned out to be Fakes made by an American forgery specialist.

- Who could have guessed “Dogs Playing Poker” by Rembrandt wasn’t real??

*****

A Female Painter in Great Britain has been making exact replicas of Queen Elizabeth by painting with her breasts.

- In this case, the paintings are real but the paint BRUSHES are fake.

*****

DNA tests have confirmed that a one-legged skeleton discovered under a dance floor in Russia IS that of Napoleon’s favorite General.

- Apparently he “Put His Right Leg In… He Put His Right Leg Out… He Put His Right Leg In… And He Fell Down”.

*****

Kim Kardashian says she’s gained 18 pounds in the last year.

- Put another way, that’s 9 pounds per cheek.

*****

A company in Finland has developed a new protein powder made partially out of AIR that they say will cut down on our need to eat beef and chicken.

- “Kentucky Fried Protein Powder”… Yum.

*****

Emotional Support Mini Horses are not only allowed on Airplanes these days… but now they’re also allowed on the Mass Transit System in San Francisco.

- It’s a little messy. Let’s just say some of the Mini-Horses are Leaving more than Their Hearts in San Francisco.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A leaked recording from ABC News shows the network killed the Jeffrey Epstein story that would have also implicated Bill Clinton THREE YEARS AGO.

- So basically Epstein’s been killed TWICE in the last three years.

*****

It’s “National Eat Healthy Day!”… brought to you by the fine folks at the Coney Island Association of America. It’s also“National Saxophone Day!” As always, Kenny G. will celebrate by Tooting his Own Horn.

*****

An Australian woman has gone blind after having her eyeballs tattooed.

- She admits it was a bad idea. So at least her HINDSIGHT is 20/20.

*****

Angelina Jolie posed nude for this month’s issue of Harper’s Bizarre.

- And coming soon… her new book: “Life May Be a Bowl of Cherries… But All I Got Was Brad Pitt”.

*****

Voters in NYC approved a new election system yesterday - where voters will rank their top 5 candidates instead of voting for just one - so lesser candidates will still get recognized.

- Apparently “Participation Trophies” aren’t just for 7 year old soccer players anymore.

*****

Alec Baldwin has filed a Defamation Suit against a New York man who accused Baldwin of punching him for stealing his parking spot.

- Alec says he won’t stand for anyone “impugning his character”. Assuming he has one!

*****

On this day in 1991 Russian President Boris Yeltsin outlawed the Communist Party.

- I guess AOC and “The Squad” didn’t get the memo.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

There’s a new term for “Single” that’s being used by some Celebs… “Self Partnering”.

- “Self Partnering” sounds like something that your mom said would make you go blind.

*****

Yahoo News ran an article this morning with the headline: “What Type of Casserole You Should Make Based on Your Astrological Sign”.

- Another glaring example of “BAKE NEWS!!!”

*****

“The Views” Joy Behar said if a Democrat wins the Presidency, they should take American’s guns “without warning”.

- So they KNOW YOU HAVE GUNS and show up at your house UNANNOUNCED to SEIZE them? Gee… WHAT COULD GO WRONG??

*****

The older sister of the now-dead terrorist Baghdadi has been captured and experts are hoping she’ll provide a “goldmine” of info on his activities.

- This wouldn’t be the first time in history that an older sister has ratted out her baby brother.

*****

For years scientists have believed our universe was as flat as a piece of paper, but new evidence has suggested it’s curved like a giant inflated balloon.

- In other words… The Universe got Implants.

*****

A designer in Shanghai has created a Million Dollar Gold Toilet that comes encrusted with more than 40,000 Diamonds and has a Bullet Proof Seat.

- Which would come in handy if someone shoots you from behind.

- The Lucky buyer will have Assets over a Million Dollars.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

McDonald’s fired the company’s CEO Sunday over an “inappropriate relationship with an employee”.

- Sounds like somebody needs to keep his McNuggets to himself.

*****

Dean Martin’s daughter said John Legend’s re-write of her father’s classic “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” with the lines, “Say what’s in this drink?/No cabs to be had out there” changed to “If I have one more drink/It's Your Body and Your Choice” is “ABSURD”.

- I agree, or put another way… #MeToo!!!

For my money the absolute best version is the re-mix with the original Dean Martin vocals and Martina McBride added on.

*****

Beto O’Rourke officially dropped out of the democratic primary on Friday night.

- Hard to believe the videos he posted of himself getting his teeth cleaned just didn’t resonate with voters.

*****

President Trump announced Friday that he’s moving his primary residence from New York to Florida.

- He tweeted “Start spreading the news… I’m leaving today. I want to be a part of it… Palm Beach. Palm Beach!”

*****

At a rally for Bernie Sanders, Squad member Ilhan Omar said we must end “Western Imperialism” and defeat Donald Trump through a “Mass movement of the working class”.

- Where have I heard that before?? Oh yeah… Karl Marx’s “Communist Manifesto”.

*****

A growing number of porn companies are starting to produce Documentaries.

- Finally we’ll understand WHY Debbie Did Dallas.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Happy Halloween! In keeping with tradition… Tonight I’ll be handing out Chunky Vegetable Soup - for health reasons of course! Bring your pillowcases… cuz you won’t want to miss a drop! I just need a few more feathers and my Elizabeth Warren costume will be complete!

*****

Kardashian sister Kylie Jenner threw a 70th Birthday party for her Dad Caitlyn Jenner.

- Caitlyn said he and his daughter “share everything” with each other… including size 11 pumps and push up bras.

*****

The Washington Nationals won their first World Series in their 51-year history after a 6-2 victory over the odds-on favorite Houston Astros in Game 7.

- There hasn't been this big an upset in D.C. since November of 2016.

*****

Julie Andrews says she was too 'truly stoned' on prescription meds following surgery to accept a role in a Martin Scorcese movie.

- Put another way, she was Higher than Mary Poppins during a wind storm.

*****

A Kansas man took a joy ride on a stolen tractor — allegedly leaving properties damaged and injuring at least one police officer.

- He was upset because he’s just gotten a John Deere letter.

*****

John Legend and Kelly Clarkson have rewritten the song “Baby It’s Cold Outside” to keep the #MeToo movement and Climate Change people happy.

- The song is now called, “Consenting Partner, Because of Global Warming It’s Not Nearly As Cold Outside”.

*****

Beto O’Rourke criticized Prez Trump for his handling of the raid that killed al-Baghdadi.

- Then, as part of his “Gun Buyback Program”, he demanded the U.S. Military hand over their assault weapons.

*****

On a personal note… One year ago today I lost my Beautiful wife, Gail.

We met in High School.

So many years together… And now one year apart. I miss you my love.

-Dick

Hillary Clinton celebrated her 72nd birthday over the weekend.

- Wow. She doesn’t look a DAY over the election.

*****

Jeff Bezos - who is worth $110 BILLION - is being called a “FASHION INFLUENCER” after bathing suits similar to the $280 Octopus print trunks he wore on vacation almost sold out on… yes… Amazon.

- I haven’t got Bezos’ money… but at least I’ve got all of my hair.

- I swim three times a week and my bathing suit isn’t Octopus print… but it does have Flamingos all over it. (True) My girls tell me I’m an “UNFASHIONABLE NON-INFLUENCER”.

*****

United Airlines is set to unveil a new Star Wars themed Boeing 737 which will be painted with scenes from the movie, play Star Wars music as passengers board and offer galactic goodie bags.

- The best part is when the Captain comes on the loudspeaker and announces, “Luke… I am your Pilot”.

*****

Thousands of people have signed a petition to shut down an Extreme Haunted House in Tennessee that tortures its visitors and features terrifying creatures.

- What’s the big deal? “The View” does that EVERYDAY.

*****

The World’s Oldest Woman, Tanzilya Bisembeyeva who credited “optimism and fermented milk” for her longevity has died at age 123.

- Apparently “fermented milk” isn’t quite as good for you as she thought.

*****

Another woman in China became the “World’s Oldest New Mother” Monday when she gave birth at age 67.

- The baby has her nose… and her husbands bladder control issues.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Joy Behar criticized Trump for saying that ISIS leader al-Baghdadi “Died like a Dog” saying “You shouldn’t speak ill of the dead”.

- This is why Joy only speaks ill of the Living.

*****

One of informants who tipped off the Americans to the location of ISIS leader al-Baghdadi, STOLE a pair of his UNDERPANTS for DNA testing to prove his identity before the US took him out.

- This is the first time a known terroist has been eliminated in a “PANTY RAID”.

*****

Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said his old boss, Trump, called him this past Sunday night to compliment him on the weight he’s lost during “Dancing With The Stars”.

- And then he fired him.

*****

Narcissists - people who "engage in risky behavior, hold an unrealistic superior view of themselves, are over-confident, show little empathy for others, and have no shame or guilt"… are HAPPIER than “normal” people.

- Forget Disneyland. If this is true, CONGRESS is the Happiest Place on Earth.

*****

Bishops at the Vatican are urging Pope Francis to allow Priests who serve in the Amazon to get married.

- And they want Priests who serve in the Amazon PRIME to be allowed to marry in just Two Days.

*****

During a recent interview, Kanye West - who’s married to Kim Kardashain - said “Marriage years are different than human years—like, you know how dogs are, what is it, seven years? Every marriage year is like a hundred years”. Adding his 5 years with Kim seems “Like 500 years”.

- Kanye’s just cranky cuz every time Kim turns over in bed, she knocks him across the room.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The Washington Post took heat for their obit of ISIS leader al-Baghdadi who was killed over the weekend in a raid by American Rangers which called him an “austere religious scholar who wore wire-rimmed glasses”. People Tweeted the insanity of the headline by posting mock obits of their own. Here are some theirs and some of ours:

"Osama bin laden, known for being very tall and fathering 23 children, dies at 54."

“Rev. Jimmy Jones, minister and beverage enthusiast dies after delivering last rites to 900 followers”.

“Mao Zedong, who saved 20-45 million of his own people from having to suffer through the struggle of living, dies at 82.”

“Charles Manson, Beatles lover and devoted Family man, passes away at 83.”

“Adolf Hitler, dynamic public speaker and tireless community organizer, dies at 56.”

*****

Freshman Rep. Katie Hill is resigning amid an ethics investigation over an allegedly inappropriate relationship with a staffer and her participation in a “Thruple” with her husband and another woman.

- I thought a “Thrupple” was a winning hand in Bridge.

*****

A new survey found that 70% of Millennials are likely to vote Socialist and that one in three young people see Communism as “favorable.”

- Attention Parents: You still have time to put a lock on your basement door before Election Day.

*****

Buckingham Palace insiders say Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle may be moving to California.

- Just what we need in Hollywood… Another couple who thinks they’re Royalty.

*****

A new report claims that Kanye West will never perform his past songs in their original form again and is now purely a gospel artist.

- Kanye may be a gospel guy… but I’m having a hard time buying his wife Kim Kardashian as the Virgin Mary.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Madonna has a new Boytoy! The 61 year old is dating one of her back up dancers… who is 24.

- They even have nicknames for each other… She calls him “Stud Muffin” and he calls her “Grandma”.

*****

A survey by the U.S. Department of Agriculture found that - due to a surge in the hog population - the U.S. has a massive surplus of bacon.

- I’d love to tell you more… but "Th-Th-Th, Th-Th-Th, Th-Th... That's all, folks!”

*****

NASA is now predicting that humans could land on MARS by 2035.

- Humans on Mars. Wow. I guess that rules out the Kardashians.

*****

Trudeau won reelection in Canada this week.

- Canadians clearly wanted a fresh face… So Justin washed off his make up.

*****

A Florida man was arrested for allegedly sexually assaulting an “Olaf” stuffed Snowman doll from the Disney movie “Frozen” — in a Target store, before he began “romancing” a stuffed Unicorn.

- Who among us hasn’t slept with a stuffed animal at some point in our life??

- He also wanted to make-out with a Sleeping Beauty doll, but he couldn’t wake her up to get her consent.

*****

On this day in 1911, Orville Wright set a new flight record when he stayed aloft for nine minutes and forty-five seconds in a glider over Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina where he landed.

- His luggage ended up in Atlanta.

*****

A new study suggests that fertility doctors are giving couples BAD advice when it comes to conception.

- On the other hand, NIKE is giving GREAT advice to couples when it comes to conception with their slogan, “Just Do It”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Friday!

-Dick

A new survey claims that a growing number of Americans are buying “Doggie DNA Kits” to find out the true origin of their pets.

- There’s a DNA kit for Cats too… It’s called “23 & Me-ow”.

*****

A stray dog boarded a bus in England and rode for twenty minutes before they kicked her off.

- You know society is getting out of shape when even the Dogs don’t want to take a walk.

*****

Martha Stewart said Felicity Huffman “looked pretty schlumpy' in photos of her in a Green Prison Jumpsuit.

- Then Martha sent Felicity a festive hand made Shank from HER days in the Slammer.

*****

Bernie Sanders lashed out at Hillary Clinton’s claim that Democrat candidate Tulsi Gabbard is a “Russian Asset” calling Hillary’s comments “Outrageous”.

- Bernie wants us all to be Socialists… but apparently being a “Communist” is NOT okay.

*****

Alec Baldwin says he doesn’t believe the parents in the college admissions bribery scandal should go to prison.

- And I think we should listen to him. Because we all know what happens when you make Alec angry.

*****

On this day in 1973 Richard Nixon agreed to hand over the White House tapes.

- Remember the good old days when the whole country was obsessed with impeachment??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick