It’s TAX DAY!

- The day when we’re all forced to buy into the saying “It’s Better to Give than to Receive”.

*****

Tiger Woods won his 5th Masters at Augusta Sunday taking home the legendary Green Jacket.

- There hasn’t been this much buzz about a “Green New Deal” since AOC declared that if we don’t fix Climate Change, the world will end in 12 years.

*****

Looking for that perfect Spring frock? A London retailer is offering a short dress made of what looks to be bubble wrap for the bargain price of $80.

- Or you could just order something cheap on Amazon and wear the packing material.

*****

A tired but happy dog has been safely returned to shore after it was found swimming in the water 135 miles off the coast of Thailand.

- Gee. I wonder what stroke the dog used to stay afloat???

- The dog is said to be “fine” and the man who threw the stick in the water and told him to “go fetch” has been signed as a QB in the NFL.

*****

A team of Israeli researchers has “printed” the world’s first 3-D human heart.

- And to think I can’t even figure out how to print my emails.

*****

More than one Billion people tuned in to last night’s first episode of the final season of “Game of Thrones”.

- Which was great for the show’s sponsors “Charmin” and “Ty-D-Bowl”.

*****

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt finally finalized their divorce over the weekend.

- They’ll share custody of their 300 kids.

*****

Have a great Tax Day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Scientists say they’ve found evidence of a previously UNKNOWN HUMAN SPECIES that lived about 50,000 years ago.

- They’re 4 feet tall, have small chins but otherwise look a lot like Michael Moore.

*****

Pam Anderson is upset because her “boyfriend” - Wikileaks founder Julian Assange - was arrested in London this morning for government computer hacking.

- Pam said she’s “running to his side”… but the way Pam runs, she won’t get there until a week from Monday.

*****

Over ONE BILLION viewers are expected to tune into the final season of “Game of Thrones” when it starts next week.

- This breaks the “Game of Thrones” record set the last time there was a food poisoning outbreak at Chipotle.

*****

Burger King New Zealand has removed a controversial campaign after it was criticized for being "racist" for an ad that shows customers trying - and failing - to eat the new Asian Chicken sandwich with chopsticks.

- If using chopsticks to eat an ASIAN sandwich is considered racist… stick a fork in all of us, we’re done!

*****

A D.C. journalist was locked out of his iPad for more than 25 million minutes – or nearly half a century – after his 3-year-old son tried to use it without the correct password.

- This is unbelievable! What kind of 3 year old DOESN’T KNOW HIS FATHER’S PASSWORD???

*****

A study by the American Society for Biochemistry found that dogs can sniff out cancer with 97% accuracy.

- They say so can cats - with less accuracy … but good luck gettin’ ‘em to tell you about it.

*****

Stormy Daniel’s ex-lawyer Michael Avenatti is facing 36 NEW CHARGES - that’s on top of the counts against him for allegedly trying to extort $20 Mil from Nike.

- Stormy announced that due to her “extensive legal experience” from her times in the courtroom, she’ll represent Avenatti as his attorney… but he has to pay her in singles.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Despite not being an official candidate, according to a new poll Joe Biden is still the top Democatic contender with 32% support.

- Meanwhile Joe says his plans to enter the race are still “Touch and Go”.

- Joe was so excited to hear the news he said, “I just wanna go out and hug someone!”

*****

The hot new fashion trend… Self-adhesive Bikinis made out of duct tape… has people wondering how bad it hurts to take it off.

- I think a more important question is: How do you pull your pants down when you’re running to the bathroom???

*****

Scientists have released the first-ever image of a black hole.

- It’s 6 trillion miles away and filled with every sock I ever lost.

*****

Bernie Sanders says that sales of a book he wrote that pushes for Socialism has made him a Millionaire… adding “If you write a best selling book YOU can be a Millionaire too”.

- And like all good Socialists, Bernie will be sharing the money with all of us. Yeah, right.

*****

Prosecutors are now saying that Lori Laughlin and her husband - who refuse to plead guilty - could face two years in prison for their crimes in the college bribery scandal.

- Wait until Lori sees how much cash she has to fork over to get someone to go to the Hooscow for her.

- She may have paid to get her kid into college, but it looks like she’s got the qualifications to get into Prison all on her own.

*****

Pollen levels in North Carolina are so high this week the skies over Durham actually turned yellow triggering allergy attacks.

- Oh sure some people think it’s funny when you sound all stuffed up, but it’s snot.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Alec Baldwin is toying with the idea of running for President and says that if he does throw his hat in the ring, "Beating Trump would be so easy. So easy. So easy."

- And if anyone knows about “beating” people, it’s Alec Baldwin.

*****

About 20 Million people watched as Virginia won the NCAA Championship last night topping Texas Tech - the team that beat MSU. Virginia was in the finals because of a blown call in their Final Four Game against Auburn

- It seems like the only people NOT watching the March Madness Games were the Refs.

*****

Anti-Trump CNN Anchor Don Lemon announced his engagement to his boyfriend Tim Malone.

- I wanna send him a gift… But what do get a guy who has everything except proof of Russian Collusion??

*****

A new study by the University of Louisville found that eating raw garlic could keep Alzheimer’s away.

- Unfortunately it will keep all of your friends away too.

*****

The Chinese Government has introduced a new smartphone app designed to teach young children about the benefits of Socialism.

- Here in the US kids don’t need an app… They can just follow Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on Instagram.

*****

Researchers in Florida captured a 17 foot long, 140 pound female python making it the biggest female snake ever seen.

- It’s already been signed as a co-host on “The View”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Mick Jagger is said to be resting comfortably after surgery last Friday to replace a heart valve and has to “take it easy” for a month.

- They don’t want him to “Get no Satisfaction” for a month either.

- Mick’s doctors say his heart will be fine, but “No more burgers from Ruby Tuesdays”.

*****

El Chapo’s wife is starting a fashion line inspired by her husband who is serving 20 years in prison.

- The clothes will be available at Target… And the Prison Gift Shop.

*****

Meghan Markle has upset the Royal Family again by announcing she’ll use her own doctors when she gives birth instead of the Queen’s “Royal Gynocologist”.

- To be honest, when I think of Queen Elizabeth in stirrups… it’s when I see a picture of her on a horse.

*****

A survey by H&R Block found that the average person has just four hours of free time PER WEEK.

- I apologize for the two minutes of that you spent reading this post.

*****

A video has gone viral of a goat trying to board a school bus in Utah.

- Question: What’s so unusual about a Kid getting on a school bus??

*****

A North Carolina couple is celebrating their 82nd Wedding Anniversary this week… one of the longest on record.

- The husband is 103 and the wife is 100. Obviously he likes younger women.

- They have a bumper sticker that reads: “If this Van is a-rockin… CALL 911… Somebody’s Having a Seizure!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

AOC posted a one-hour video on Instagram saying she works so many hours in Congress, she hasn’t had time to buy furniture for her apartment.

- But she had time to make a ONE HOUR VIDEO??? Hey Alexandria… PUT DOWN THE CAMERA AND GO BUY A COUCH.

*****

Charmin has introduced the “Forever Roll” a giant roll of TP that lasts a month and is as tall as the Washington Monument when unraveled.

- That’s something to sit down and take note of.

- Talk about a “Game of Thrones” Changer!!!.

*****

Clothing store “Forever 21” has launched an “officially licensed U.S. Postal Service apparel line” featuring clothes that look like Postal Uniforms.

- The clothes take six weeks to be delivered and usually end up in your neighbor’s mailbox.

*****

Facebook is in trouble again for requiring users to hand over their email PASSWORD in order to use the site.

- But the jokes on them… I don’t even KNOW my email password!

*****

Two more women have come forward to accuse Joe Biden of inappropriate touching.

- To avoid future problems, Joe says they’ll be no more hugging or touching… he’ll just send women a bottle of “Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific” instead.

*****

It’s National “Hug a Newsperson Day”!

- Joe Biden was like, “I’m not falling for THAT ONE!”

*****

A video has gone viral of the monkey-dog races at a Fair in Texas featuring monkeys riding on top of dogs.

- It’s just like a regular horse race, only with taller jockeys.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he could still run for President if Joe Biden drops out of the race.

- As of this writing Biden is still holding on… to an unidentified woman’s shoulders.

*****

McDonald’s in Australia has apologized for an April Fool’s prank where the company promoted a new burger made from dill chips called “The McPickle.”

- I thought “ McPickle” was Trump’s nickname for Anthony Weiner.

*****

Magician David Blaine is being investigated by the NYPD for making unwanted sexual advances against two women.

- Lucky for David, he can just saw the women in half and make ‘em disappear.

*****

The 70-something members of the group ABBA say they’ll release their new song in the FALL… their first since breaking up 37 years ago.

- I’m betting the song will be called “Gramma-Mia”.

- And Fernando can’t hear the drums because he refuses to wear his hearing aid.

*****

Toyota has unveiled a 6’ 10” basketball playing Artificial Intelligence robot that can shoot three pointers with startling accuracy.

- It’s so famous a robot Kardashian is already dating it.

*****

Poland is building the World’s largest swimming pool. It will be 147 feet deep and longer than 27 football fields.

- That’s not a POOL… It’s a COUNTRY!

- I don’t care how deep or long it is, kids are still going to drive their Polish parents crazy playing “Stash-O Polo”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Maxine Waters says she agrees with the decision to drop charges against Jussie Smollett because Jussie is “an extremely talented man WHO PEOPLE HAVE COME TO LOVE BECAUSE HE’S ON TV”.

- Yes ladies and gentlemen. That rationale from the woman in charge of the House FINANCE Committee.

*****

Protesters stripped down naked during a session at Britain’s House of Commons to bring awareness to Climate Change.

- They also brought awareness to the fact that the air conditioning system was on high.

*****

“The View,” co-hosts Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar defended Joe Biden against sexual complaints saying “he’s just an affectionate guy”.

- You know… the exact same thing they said about Justice Kavanaugh during his confirmation hearings!

*****

Meanwhile, Elizabeth Warren says SHE BELIEVES the politician who claims Joe Biden inappropriately touched her, and Warren is calling on Biden to resign.

- Talk about a Hatchet Job.

*****

A new study found that just THINKING about coffee can raise your awareness and attention.

- It’s true. All I did was THINK about having a cup of coffee after dinner last night and I couldn’t SLEEP worth a darn.

*****

NASA has announced the three finalists in their competition to design houses on Mars.

- Houses on Mars are great for people who have outgrown their current house and need more Space.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

In March Madness News… (No, not Jussie Smollett) MSU is headed to the Final Four after a 1-point win over Duke 68-67! They take on Texas Tech Saturday. Go Green!!!

*****

76-year-old Joe Biden apologized to a Nevada politician who claims he grabbed her shoulders from behind, sniffed her hair and kissed her on the head years ago.

- Joe says he’s an old-fashioned politician who believes in “shaking hands and kissing Babes”.

- He’s now the “hands on” favorite.

*****

The Rolling Stones have postpone their tour after Mick Jagger was diagnosed with an undisclosed illness - disappointing thousands of fans.

- But hey, You Can’t Always Get What You Want.

*****

Jeff Bezos - who originally claimed that President Trump was behind the story that outed his affair - now claims that Saudi Arabia hacked his phone.

- If he wants to know who really did it, why doesn’t he ask Alexa??

*****

Chris Rock made fun of Jussie Smollett at the NAACP Image Awards on Saturday night - which Smollett DIDN’T win.

- Talk about kicking a guy when he paid someone to push him down!

*****

Queen Elizabeth announced that she’s no longer going to drive in public following a crash by Prince Phillip last month.

- Prior to this, when people complained, she said “Hey… if you don’t like my driving, stay off the sidewalk”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Tim Burton’s remake of “Dumbo” hits theaters tonight - but early reviews aren’t good.

- And the problem with seeing a bad movie about an elephant is, you never forget it.

*****

Speaking of Dumbo… Jussie Smollett’s attorneys are now claiming that the men who attacked him (whom he paid) may have been wearing white paint on their faces… leading him to believe they were caucasian.

- Sounds to me like Jussie’s trying to get an endorsement deal with a paint company.

- C’mon Jussie. Even OJ thinks you’re guilty!

*****

MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow contines to insist that the President colluded with Russia despite the findings of the Mueller Report.

- Rachaels big hobby is fishing. (True) So it’s obvious she’s fishin’ around for evidence of collusion and won’t let this one go.

*****

McDonald’s is now selling “Vegan Chicken McNuggets” that contain Zero percent chicken.

- And this makes the Vegan type different from the Regular McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets HOW???

*****

Former Bond Girl Denise Richards says she’s invited ex-husband Charlie Sheen to her wedding and even if he brings a prostitute as his date, he’s “still welcome”.

- Charlie says he’s really moved by the kind offer and will be there “by Hooker by crook”.

*****

The first international trailer has been released for “Toy Story 4” in Asia.

- That’s the Buzz anyway.

- Now if the Chinese Government will just let the Kindergartner's punch out of the factory early they’ll be able to see the movie.

*****

Twitter almost melted down after an Irish couple put up a post saying that they “switch sides of the bed” on a regular basis.

- The man is calling for “calm”… no matter which side You’re on.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

All 16 charges against Jussie Smollett have been dropped in exchange for TEN GRAND and 18 HOURS OF COMMUNITY SERVICE… even though the Mayor, Police and Prosecutors say “He lied”.

- In Chicago this is known as “Juss-tice”… otherwise known as “Bizarro World”.

*****

The Pentagon has authorized $1 Billion for President Trump’s Border Wall.

- Add that to what Mexico has agreed to pay and it totals… 1 Billion dollars!

*****

A bad day for AOC yesterday as the Senate UNANIMOUSLY voted down her “Green New Deal” 57-0 including some Democrats.

- Her opponents let out a collective sigh of relief… and Cows across America collectively passed gas.

*****

Reynolds Wrap has unveiled a “Hunger Harness” to be worn during March Madness. It turns the wearer into a “Human Table” by strapping it to your chest to hold beer, pizza and wings.

- Sounds great… but won't it smear my “Go Blue! Go Green!” Chest Paint???

*****

Want to make a fast 20 grand? NASA is hiring people to lie in bed for two months and watch TV to help them understand how space travel will affect astronauts.

- They originally offered the job to Millennials but they said they were too tired to get off their parents couches to go to work and lay down.

*****

Madonna says she’s launching a full fledged comeback tour at the age of 60.

- And her song “Like a Virgin” is just as true now as it was when she first released it in 1984!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

NASA had to cancel the first-ever “All Female Spacewalk” after discovering they didn’t have enough correctly-sized spacesuits.

- This isn’t the first time a woman has changed her plans because she can’t find anything to wear.

*****

Michael Avenatti, who represented Stormy Daniels against Prez Trump, has been charged with trying to “shake down” Nike for $20 Mil… punishable by 50 years in jail.

- Just months ago he was talking about running for President. Now he can be President of Cell Block C.

*****

Celebs including Alec Baldwin and Cher are in full meltdown mode after Mueller’s “No Collusion Conclusion” - with Baldwin saying “Trump is the Devil”.

- It’s clear those court-ordered Anger Management classes are paying off for Alec.

- Cher was going to “turn the other cheek” but she can’t move her face.

*****

The Department of Homeland Security announced that a Caravan of 1,200 migrants has left Central America for the U.S. Border.

- But it turns out it was just another group of people running for the Democrat Presidential Nomination.

*****

A group of scientists has developed a GOOGLE BRAIN IMPLANT that can dramatically increase anyone’s IQ.

- Lorrie Laughlin was like, “Now you tell me”.

*****

Twenty seven states have now made it Legal for drivers to eat roadkill that they hit with their car.

- Well that gives me some new options for lunch today.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The Mueller Report found that there was NO COLLUSION between President Trump and the Russians.

- Democrats say they're satisfied and will accept the findings of the report. NOT.

*****

Former FBI director James Comey reacted by posting a pic of himself in the forest staring up at the trees with the caption “So many questions”.

- Huh? Call me crazy but aren’t THEY the ones who started the whole investigation with NO PROOF??? Welcome to The $25 Million Tax-Payer-Paid-For Boondoggle.

*****

The Director of the Elton John biopic, Rocketman, says the movie WILL feature a nude scene.

- And just like that I can’t listen to “Tiny Dancer” or “Little Jeannie” with a straight face.

*****

Hip-Hopper Dr. Dre took a shot at celebrities who paid to get their kids into college by Tweeting. "My daughter got accepted into USC all on her own!" He failed to mention that six years ago he gave USC $70 Million.

- Hey… at least he got his kid in the old-fashioned way… By funding a building with his name on it.

*****

Farewell, Peter Cottontail — Cadbury Eggs is replacing their bunny with an English Bulldog as the new face of Easter.

- Seriously? The Easter Puppy??

- It’s about time somebody did something about “White Rabbit Privilege”!

*****

Students at Michigan and Michigan State partied big time after both schools made it to the “Sweet Sixteen” over the weekend.

- In a related story… R. Kelly attended a “Sweet Sixteen Party”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

At 94 years, 172 days Jimmy Carter has just surpassed George H.W. Bush as the oldest living former U.S. President.

- Uh oh. Every time somebody earns the title “The Oldest” ANYTHING… things tend to go downhill pretty fast.

*****

Former “The View” co-host Jenny McCarthy says that her former boss Barbara Walters was “horrible” to her and that working with Whoopie Goldberg was almost as bad.

- I’m shocked. It seems like such a fun, easy-going place to work.

*****

Democratic presidential contender Andrew Yang came out with an important policy statement: He’s against Circumcision.

- He says he’s got plenty of other things on his agenda and that circumcision is “Just the tip of the iceberg”.

*****

An American figure skater has been accused of intentionally skating into a 16-year-old Korean rival during a warm-up session before the World Figure Skating Championship.

- Here we go again. Why Us??? Why Now???

*****

A man in Colombia is in mourning for his girlfriend who fainted and died after having sex with him for 5 hours.

- To add insult to injury, the man says he’s too exhausted to attend her funeral.

*****

Actress Rosario Dawson and presidential hopeful Cory Booker are officially a couple.

- If he wins, Booker will be the first guy in the White House with a girlfriend… If you don’t count JFK and Bill Clinton.

*****

According to medical experts, March is the most popular month of the year for vasectomies because men plan it so they can stay home and watch the games during “March Madness”.

- Basketball or politics, take your pick.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

Go Green! Go Blue!

-Dick

First Day of Spring! The day I pull out my trademark Black Socks & Sandals! Not everyone can pull this off. It’s a gift.

*****

It maybe Spring… but Kwame’s not getting Sprung! The judge has refused to vacate his sentence.

- On a bright note, Kwame’s dance card for the Prison’s “Spring Formal” is almost full.

*****

Bill Gates has joined Jeff Bezos with membership in the $100 Billion Dollar Club.

- Congratulations boys… the drinks are on me!

*****

Jeff Bezo’s girlfriend’s brother now admits that he was the one who made a deal with the National Enquirer about his sister’s affair with Bezos… and got paid $200,000.

- Let me get this straight. His sister is about to be worth BILLIONS and he sold her out for 200 Grand??? Apparently he’s not the brains in the family!

*****

Miley Cyrus posted a naked pic of herself on Instagram to celebrate the fact that she’ll be performing at the 50 Anniversary Woodstock.

- Tomorrow she’ll post another naked picture of herself to celebrate the fact that it’s Thursday.

*****

Beto O’Rourke told the Washington Post that after he lost the Texas Senate seat to Ted Cruz he chowed down on “Dirt from New Mexico that’s said to have regenerative powers”.

- If he doesn’t win the Presidency, Beto’s a shoe-in to win “Survivor”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Hurrah!!! It’s the last full day of Winter!!!

*****

58% of Millennials say life is “MORE STRESSFUL NOW THAN EVER BEFORE”.

- I’m sure the guys who fought World War II would give that a big “Thumbs Up” on Facebook.

*****

A man who accidentally shot himself in his “manhood” has been charged with carrying a handgun without a license.

- Hasn’t he been punished enough??

*****

A popular Vegan Vlogger is being demonized online after someone posted a video of her eating fish.

- Question: What’s a “Vegan Vlogger”??? I thought he was the guy who discovered The Netherlands??

*****

At a rally last night, N.Y. Mayor Bill de Blasio dodged questions about whether he’ll run for President in 2020 - frustrating all SIX PEOPLE in the audience.

- To paraphrase The Schmenge Brothers (John Candy & Eugene Levy) “If there are more people on the stage than in the audience, it’s time to pack up and go home”.

*****

Burger King has launched a coffee subscription that gives customers one cup a day for 5 bucks a month.

- Sounds like a Whopper of a deal.

*****

Speaking of Whoppers… Yesterday a woman in NY gave birth to a record-breaking 15 POUND BABY.

- I’m bettin’ the baby will be up and walkin’ before Mama is.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Lori Laughlin’s daughter, Olivia Jade, announced that she’s quitting USC because of the college admissions scandal.

- And just like that the USC Crew Team’s hopes for a winning season are dashed.

*****

Beto O’Rourke is taking heat for a story he wrote years ago about himself gleefully running kids over with his car.

- Elizabeth Warren said, “He really went off the reservation with that one”.

******

Little Caesars is bringing back it’s Bacon-Wrapped Deep Dish Pizza with 3 1/2 feet of bacon.

- It’s called the “Hot & Deady”.

*****

A woman in Texas gave birth to Sextuplets - three sets of twins - in just nine minutes this weekend.

- Imagine that! She’s gonna have to come up with three million dollars just to get them in to college.

*****

Barack Obama’s half brother, Malik, made headlines in Kenya by tweeting that he thinks Michele Obama is really a man named “Michael Obama.”

- I’m guessing this is not what Barack meant by “CHANGE You Can Believe In.”

- Guess who’s not going to be invited to the Obama Memorial Day BBQ.

*****

A Swedish tech company has unveiled a robot that it claims can conduct job interviews without discriminating against someone’s race or gender.

- I’ve had job interviews with a lot of Robots throughout the years. Or as we called them, “Program Directors”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

SAD NEWS… Stormy Daniels has “Broken Up” with attorney Michael Avenatti after accusing him of using her for financial gain.

- Stormy’s demanding that he give her all the money back in her usual style… one single at a time.

*****

Beto O’Rourke officially announced his Presidential bid this morning.

- If you’re looking for a candidate who’s biggest qualification is “Looking like Bobby Kennedy”… Beto’s your guy!

*****

Laurie Loughlin’s daughter Olivia Jade was on USC’s yacht when her mother was charged with paying 500 GRAND to get her into college.

- Olivia made it back to shore since her Mom also paid somebody to take her swim lessons for her.

*****

Facebook says it still doesn’t know what caused the site to go down for more than 14 hours starting Wednesday - leaving millions around the world unable to post.

- It was awful. I actually had to walk next door to my neighbors house and ask them what they were having for dinner.

*****

Students at Sarah Lawrence College in NY are demanding that the administration take duties away from “racist white professors” and “provide laundry detergent -- and softener -- for all students”.

- No free bleach?? I guess it would be Racist to make their Tighty Whities even Whiter.

*****

NY Mayor Bill DeBlasio sent out a tweet detailing the four things New Yorkers are allowed to flush down the toilet.

- FOUR things??? I get #1 and #2… but I’m lost when it comes to #3 and #4. Must be a New York thing.

- Remember the good old days when the only thing we worried about was the government trying to legislate what we did in the BEDROOM???

*****

The Del Taco restaurant chain is now selling French Fry scented soap.

- It’s designed for guys who love tacos but want to smell like they work at a hamburger joint.

- It goes great with their “Eau de Onion Ring” Cologne.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Liza Minelli is 73 today!

- She says she’ll celebrate with a case of wine because, “Life is a Cabernet old chum”.

*****

Facebook did an about face and republished ads by Elizabeth Warren it had taken down that called for the break-up of… Facebook.

- They made the move after Warren threatened to Sioux.

*****

A pic of Koala Bear at a Wildlife Sanctuary in Australia has gone viral because of the bear’s cool, sexy pose.

- If you think THAT’s sexy, wait til you see the pic of MRS. Koala Bear in a Teddy.

*****

A growing number of people are unplugging from their Smartphones… by buying a second phone with less tech that “focuses on making calls”.

- A phone designed to MAKE CALLS?? What a concept!

- Note to my Daughters: My FlipPhone isn’t out-dated… it’s almost painfully hip!!!

*****

Actress Debra Messing posted a pic of cupcakes shaped like “lady parts” on social media for International Women’s Day - but got in trouble for “offending women who don’t HAVE lady parts”.

- Am I the only one who’s confused here??

*****

During a 90 minute speech during which she called America “garbage,” capitalism “irredeemable,” and Presidents Reagan & FDR “racist”, Democrat Darling AOC said “Like”, “You know”, “Um” and “Whatever” dozens of times.

- If she ever runs for Prez her slogan will be “Like, Um, Hope You Can, You Know, Like, Um, Totally Believe In”.

*****

Researchers have developed the world’s first “genderless voice” designed for people who are offended by the female voices used by Amazon’s Alexa and Google Assistant.

- I don’t care what their voices sound like, I just want them to take “Midnight at the Oasis” by Maria Muldaur and “Loving You” by Minnie Ripperton off the playlist!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Yippee! An extra hour of Daylight! If you’re still able to “Spring Forward” I hope you did Saturday night!

*****

Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders lead all Democrats in the latest polls.

- These two guys remind me of Statler and Waldorf sitting in the balcony on The Muppets.

*****

According to a new poll, half of young people in America want to live in a socialist nation.

- They got the idea from living in their parents basements.

*****

Dolly Parton says she HAS NOT given Elizabeth Warren permission to use her song “9 to 5” during her Presidential campaign… although she IS.

- Warren responded “That’s not true” and called Dolly an “Indian Giver”.

*****

Hidden Valley Salad Dressing put a 24 foot bottle of Ranch Dressing on the Las Vegas strip Sunday.

- In a related story, CNN reported that Prez Trump secretly keeps a giant bottle of RUSSIAN Dressing on his desk in the Oval Office.

*****

A 116-year-old Japanese woman the latest to be named the “World's Oldest Person” says she gets up everyday at 6 and plays board games.

- Proving that Naked Twister isn’t just fun… it’s good for your health!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick