It's Halloween! This year I'm going as a disgruntled voter and when the kids come to the door, I'll be handing out... Soup. This year... Bean with Bacon!

*****

Turns out the FBI found more than 650,000 emails on a laptop used by Anthony Weiner and his wife, Clinton aide Huma Abedin, that may contain classified info. 

- I'm amazed the FBI could retrieve them... I'd assume any laptop used by Weiner would have been infected with a Virus. 

*****

Hillary is demanding that the FBI release the "new" emails they have discovered. 

- Being a gentleman, FBI Director James Comey replied, "Ladies first!" 

*****

Meanwhile Donald Trump, who slammed the FBI for not indicting Hillary back in July is now talking glowingly about Director James Comey. 

- The Donald changes his mind about guys more often than Taylor Swift. 

*****

A male British Airways pilot was caught sexting pics of himself wearing nothing but thigh-high stockings during a flight. He's been suspended. 

- On the bright side, his tray table WAS in it's "full and upright position". 

- Hey... He Loves To Fly, And It Shows.

*****

Prosecutors in the Bill Cosby sexual assault case announced that, in order to show a "pattern", they will call 13 women to the stand. 

- 13 women? That's gotta be a hard pill to swallow.  

*****

The wife of imprisoned Mexican Drug Lord "El Chapo" is complaining that Conjugal Visits with her husband have been cut from 4 hours to just 2. 

- Apparently she thinks an hour and 58 minutes just isn't enough time for the two of them to talk. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A Chicago man attacked  a City Bus Driver with a bag of frozen chicken.

- Hillary immediately called for "stricter frozen chicken control" and the Donald tweeted that "the right to bear poultry" is guaranteed by the Second Amendment. 

*****

Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was vandalized by someone using a sledgehammer. 

- Even the Donald doesn't blame Hillary saying she's not nearly healthy enough to lift something that heavy.

*****

The latest batch of WikiLeaks show that, during the Primaries, the Clinton campaign considered sending The New York Post a picture of Bernie Sanders lounging around the pool in his bathing suit. 

- We can only hope his swim trunks weren't as "Transparent" as the Government he was calling for. 

*****

For $179 a year passengers at Metro Airport can now sign up for a program called CLEAR that takes 10 fingerprints, scans your Iris, and takes a high res pic of your face, allowing you to go through security in less than a second. 

- The TSA agents are really going to have to speed up their groping time. 

*****

Victoria Secret is keeping the venue of their upcoming runway show in Paris a secret, citing fears of a terrorist action. 

- There are a lot of guys who'd like some "action" with the models, but they're not terrorists.

*****

A study by the Centers for Disease Control found that 20 million people were diagnosed with their first sexually transmitted disease last year. 

- That's right about the time Bill started campaigning for Hillary. Coincidence? Maybe. 

*****

 Twitter announced that they are cutting 8% of their work force. 

- Instead of a pink slip, the employees will get a Tweet saying "Good News! You don't have to participate in this year's "Secret Santa" exchange!" #You'reOuttaHere 

*****

Caitlyn Jenner was spotted at a movie premiere wearing a dress almost identical to ones worn by her Kardashian daughters. She paired it with size 13 and 1/2 strappy heels. 

- You know what they say... Big Feet... Fake Boobs. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Get this... The NY Times published an article about a 7 year old girl who had a nightmare where a "Zombie Donald Trump" came to her home. 

- Tomorrow they'll probably post an article saying that a beautiful blond "Princess in a Pantsuit" flew in and deleted the Evil Trump. 

*****

According to the latest batch of WikiLeaks documents, the President knew all along that Hillary had been using a private email server despite what he told the public. 

- What's next? We're gonna find out the Affordable Health Care Act isn't Affordable???

*****

Donald Trump sent out a Facebook message saying that for $69 you can have your name put on the "Trump Donor" wall in the Trump Tower.

- And if you're a woman, for just ten bucks more, he'll come to your house and grope you. 

*****

Last night on TV Newt Gingrich told Megyn Kelly that she's "fascinated with sex".

- Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton and Donald Trump replied "Who isn't???"

*****

A survey by the Brookings Institute found that only 40% of Americans expect the votes to be counted accurately. 

- The official term for it is "Al Gore Syndrome". 

*****

Uber has a new feature that allows passengers to request a flu shot. 

- So after a night at the bar doing shots, you can get a flu shot from the guy you hire because you're too drunk to drive home. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

The Presidential Election is exactly two weeks from today.

- So... "Our Long, National Nightmare... Hasn't Even Started Yet". 

*****

As proof... Turns out one of Hillary Clinton's closest advisors, Terry McCauliffe, made a $675,000 donation to the election campaign of the WIFE of the FBI official who LED the probe into Hillary's email scandal. 

- Apparently "FBI" stands for "Federal Bureau of I Can Make Sure Hillary Doesn't Get Indicted!". 

*****

Meanwhile another woman is claiming that year's ago, Donald Trump grabbed her by the arm without her permission. 

- If that's sexual harassment... the "Guess Your Weight" guy at Cedar Point is in big trouble.

*****

A Federal Judge in Michigan has lifted the ban of taking selfies with your ballot on Election Day.

- So now you can post that pic on Facebook and get Unfriended by all the people who disagree with who you voted for.

*****

A Yahoo survey found that 40% of NFL Fans have stopped watching the games because of Colin Kaepernick's National Anthem protests. 

- NFL officials say they won't stand for this kind of thing. 

*****

The White House has admitted that under Obamacare, health care premiums for tens of millions of Americans will double or even triple next year. 

- So if you're going to have a heart attack after hearing the news, it'd be cheaper to have it now. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

The World Series starts tomorrow, with two teams who haven't won in a long while. The last World Series win for the Cubs was 108 years ago, the last win for the Indians was 70 years ago. 

- Bottom line:  The Lions still aren't going to make it to the Super Bowl. 

*****

A 2008 video has surfaced in which President Obama warned his supporters that the Presidential election "could be Rigged by corrupt politicians in Washington". 

- So apparently Melania isn't the only Trump who plagiarizes speeches from the Obama's. 

*****

More leaked emails show that reporters for the NY Times and CNBC actively worked to promote Hillary, with one even emailing the campaign saying he'd submit his articles to the campaign "for their approval" before publication. 

- Apparently the First Amendment guarantees "A Press That's Free To Be Completely Biased".

*****

The Donald told supporters that he will "Drain the Swamp" in Washington D.C., and create a new Government of the people, by the people and for the people. 

- Between ditch draining and wall building... Trump can always go back into the Construction Business if this Presidential thing doesn't work out. 

*****

Sweden's Nobel Prize Academy says they have yet to hear from Bob Dylan since he won the Prize for Literature. 

- The head of the Academy even left Bob a voice mail saying, "Hey Mr. Tamborine Man... return a call from me. I'm not sleepy and there ain't no place I'm goin' to". 

*****

Kim Kardashian Halloween costumes are a big seller this year. 

- Actually they're Pirate costumes, but with room for more booty. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

During last night's debate, Hillary called Donald "the most dangerous person to run for President in modern history" and he called her "a nasty woman".

It was like Thanksgiving dinner with your crazy aunt and uncle...things start out okay, but after a few drinks... they start hurling mashed potatoes at each other. 

***** 

Reports say the Clinton campaign was responsible for Hillary and Donald NOT shaking hands both before and after the debate.  

- To be fair, it IS the cold and flu season. 

*****

When asked if he would accept the results of the Election, Donald Trump shocked the audience by saying, "I will look at it at the time. I'll keep you in suspense". 

- To be fair, because of the dislike of the two Candidates, I think a lot of Americans aren't sure they're going to accept the results of the Election either. 

- Al Gore said he was shocked by Trump's reaction... He made the comment in Florida where he was still examining dimpled chads from the 2000 Election.  

*****

Hillary said that Vladimir Putin is trying to help Trump win so he'll have a "Puppet" in the White House. Donald retorted that Hillary's the Puppet. 

- As if the Crazy Clown Scare wasn't bad enough, now we have to be afraid of these two Crazy Puppets.  

- Hillary implied that Putin would give Trump the shirt off his back... of course Putin would actually have to PUT ON a shirt for that to happen. 

*****

The latest Halloween trend among Hillary supporters is to carve their pumpkins into "Trumpkins". 

- Meanwhile Trump supporters are dressing their kids up as Hillary and sending them out to go "Trick or Deleting". 

*****

A video has surfaced of Hilary Clinton's campaign bus dumping toilet waste into a Georgia storm drain.

- Apparently Trump isn't the only one who supports "Trickle Down" policies. 

*****

First Samsung had to recall their Galaxy 7 smartphones for catching on fire, now consumers are claiming that their Samsung washing machines are "exploding". 

- Company officials are doing what they can to stem the Tide of complaints. 

*****

Lindsay Lohan announced that she's going to supply fresh drinks to refugee children in Syria. 

- Well if anyone knows about "fresh drinks" it's Lindsay Lohan.

- Doesn't she know they're already getting bombed? 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Tonight's the night... The third and final Presidential Debate airs live at 9pm. Both campaigns say their candidates are spending the day "doing what they do to try and relax". 

- In other words, Hillary's spending the day deleting emails, while Donald is at the mall looking for women to grope. 

*****

Pundits expect Trump and Hillary to incorporate the "Las Vegas Theme" into the debate.

- So look for Trump to call Bill Clinton a Slut Machine and Hillary to say The Donald brings nothing but Crap to the Table. 

*****

Reports say that the candidates spouses will break tradition tonight by NOT shaking hands with each other before their better-halves take to the podiums. 

- Bottom line: They're trying to keep Bill away from Melania.

*****

According to WikiLeaks, Bill Gates was on Hillary's short list for VP. 

- She wanted a person "a heartbeat away from the Presidency who knows how to wipe-clean a hard drive". 

*****

Khloe Kardashian's new demin line is in stores today.

- And in an effort to make you feel like her sister Kim, the jeans are priced high, so if you buy a pair you'll feel like you were robbed. 

*****

NFL owners are baffled by a huge drop in ratings for pro-football games on TV this season. 

- In an effort to get more viewers, they're renaming Sunday's broadcast of the Lions vs. the Redskins, "Game of Throws". 

*****

According to a new study, brushing your teeth thoroughly to remove plaque could help prevent heart attacks and strokes as much as statin drugs do. 

- And the BEST way to avoid a heart attack is to brush your teeth and NOT watch tonight's debate. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

The latest batch of WikiLeaks documents show that Hillary Clinton's campaign van has a bed in the back of it...sparking more questions about her health. 

- Bill's has a bed in the back as well, but it's also got a bumper sticker reading "If This Campaign Van's a Rockin', Don't Come a Knockin'!".  

*****

Melania Trump said in an interview that she was offended by the words her husband Donald used, but that they are "moving on". 

- They may be "moving on"... but according to the polls lately, it doesn't look like they'll be "moving" into the White House. 

*****

In response to the Clown hysteria sweeping the country, Target is no longer selling Clown masks. 

- So if you were planning on going as Clinton or Trump for Halloween, you're gonna have to buy your  costume at Walmart. 

- Why not just rent Bozo to go trick or treating for you... He's available for gigs. 

*****

A new survey found that 50% of men in the United States shave their legs. 

- Well yeah... I know I always want to look my best when I go in for a pedicure. 

*****

Meanwhile Gettysburg College held a class for male Freshmen telling them that "masculinity is toxic" and the worst three words a boy can hear growing up are "Be a man". 

- Sure... just like Abe Lincoln told the Union troops right before the Battle of Gettysburg. 

- The class was taught by a visiting professor... a Ms. C. Jenner. 

*****

Donald Trump is calling for a both Candidates to take a drug test before tomorrow night's final Presidential Debate. 

- I think that all of us who made it through the first two Presidential Debates are the ones who should be tested for drugs. 

*****

Al Gore and Climate Change activists are trying to have the criteria for Hurricanes to be changed so we will have more "Traumatic Weather Events" that can be blamed on humans. 

- Al made the announcement after flying his private jet halfway around the world to attend a "Cut The Emissions" Rally. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange tweeted that his Internet has been intentionally cut and blames the Clinton campaign for trying to keep him from publishing more incriminating documents. 

- Assange is furious... especially because he's been on hold with Comcast for the last 4 hours. 

*****

And just when you thought things couldn't get any weirder... former Baywatch star Pamela Anderson brought Assange lunch over the weekend at the Ecuadorian Embassy in London where he is holed up, and rumors swirled that she had poisoned him with a Vegan sandwich. 

- If you've ever eaten a Vegan sandwich, you know the feeling. 

*****

Three more women came forward over the weekend to accuse Donald Trump of touching them inappropriately. 

- At this point, Trump might as well change his campaign slogan to "Grope You Can Believe In". 

*****

A new ABC News poll shows that 37% of Americans say they've experienced tension with their family and friends over the Presidential Election. 

- And it's not even Thanksgiving yet. 

*****

Fox News Anchor Shepard Smith announced that he's Gay. 

- This has been rumored for years, but in a switch on Fox's slogan, Shepard finally "Decided To Report" it.  

*****

Panasonic has invented an "Invisible" TV screen that completely disappears when the TV is turned off. 

- They got the idea from my TV remote... which disappears every time I want to change the channel. 

*****

Michael Jackson topped the Forbes list of "Highest Paid Dead Celebrities", taking in $825 Million in 2016. 

- He also made the list of "Dead People Who Will Vote For Hillary Clinton On November 8th". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #207

OCTOBER 14, 2016

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #207! With the election just weeks away we dive into the Political Mud Pit for the first time. From Trump to Clinton... Crazy to Criminal... pick your poison in the most bizarre Election choice in my lifetime, if not the entire history of our Great Country.

Agree or disagree... we think you'll find the discussion interesting and worth 34 minutes and 20 seconds of your time. So hold on to your Hanging Chad... and join us for Podcast #207!

Have a great weekend and I'll see  you back here Monday with my regular blog. 

-Dick 

OCTOBER 13, 2016

Bob Dylan has won the 2016 Nobel Prize in Literature for his poetic lyrics, becoming the first musician to win the Prize since it was first awarded in 1901. 

- A reporter immediately asked Dylan "How Does It Feeeeel?"

- Bob replied something...but nobody could understand what he was saying. 

*****

According to new reports, the "vast majority" of FBI and DOJ  employees who investigated the Hillary Clinton email scandal believed she should have been indicted and claim the decision not to charge her came straight from the White House. 

-  Wow... What a surprise. What's next? We're gonna find out Rock Hudson was gay???

*****

Donald Trump is threatening to sue the NY Times over an article that claims he groped four more women - charges Trump calls "complete fabrication".  

- The New York Times is standing by the story, saying they will continue to publish "All The News That's Fit To Make Sure Hillary Get's Elected".

*****

An online Halloween Costume company is being crizitcized for selling a "Kim Kardashian Robbery Victim" Costume. 

- It may be tacky, but think of all the candy you could put in the... "Baggage Compartment". 

*****

Singer Rod Stewart was Knighted by Prince William during a ceremony at Buckingham Palace. 

- The evening was capped off when the Queen jumped off her throne and danced around singing, "If you want my body...and you think I'm sexy... C'mon sugar, let me know!"

*****

Scientist are working on a new "Taste Buddy" fork that uses electrical impulses to alter taste buds so foods like vegetables would taste like chocolate. 

- Think how excited the kids will be on Easter morning to wake up to a basket filled with Broccoli Bunnies and Lima Beans!

*****

NOTE: Amid the "Creepy Clown" scare, Detroit is trying to put a Happy Face back on Clowns by bringing back our own Bozo! 86 year old Art Cervi will come out of retirement to don his red hair and big shoes at the Hockeytown Cafe at 12:30 today as part of RetroRama Classic Collectibles Con. Art is a longtime friend of mine and proves that all Clowns aren't Bozos... even though he is!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

President Obama announced that the U.S. will send Americans to Mars by 2030. 

- Right now, I'm a little more concerned about who we're going to send to the White House next month. 

*****

New Wikileaks documents show that media sources provided Hillary Clinton with the questions ahead of the Presidential Primary debates, which is basically cheating.  

- In the old days, when the word "Clinton" and "Cheating" were used in the same sentence, the word "Bill" always came to mind. 

*****

This just in... The President of CNN has reportedly ordered a blackout of any coverage of Danney Williams, the Arkansas man who claims to be Bill Clinton's biological son. 

- Williams says he doesn't care about CNN... He just cares about DNA.

*****

49 year old Pamela Anderson posed in lingerie for a series of Selfies in a Spanish magazine... then went on to say that racy images and pornography are ruining marriages. 

- Pam really "walks the walk"... albeit in slow motion. 

*****

Scot Baio says people need to "grow up" if they're offended by Donald Trump's comments. 

- Look for his new TV show "I Groped Joanie And She Still Loves Cha-Chi". 

*****

McDonald's announced that they're cutting down on appearances by Ronald McDonald because of the "Creepy Clown" scare. 

- In a related story, "The Hamburgler" is being questioned by French police in the Kim Kardashian robbery. Coincidence? ... Maybe.

*****

A Hulu survey found that 62% of men lie about having watched the latest popular TV shows. 

- Turns out instead of watching  "Game of Thrones"... they're actually on the throne checking the sports scores on their smartphone. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

A 90 second re-mix of Sunday night's Presidential debate that has Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton singing the duet "I've Had The Time Of My Life" from the movie Dirty Dancing has already gotten over 1 million hits. I decided to post it here for your listening enjoyment...

*****

Just released Wikileaks documents include an email from Hillary's campaign manager John Podesta saying "I know she has begun to hate everyday Americans" - but he said she needed to say she would be their "champion". 

- But she's become really fond of the millions of voters in the "basket of deplorables" who according to the polls have switched their support to her. 

*****

In one of the documents released by Wikileaks, Bill Clinton's best friend who works for the Clinton Foundation called Chelsea Clinton a "Spoiled Brat".

- The guy must be taking parenting lessons from Alec Baldwin. 

*****

Former Republican California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he will not support Donald Trump because of his sexist comments about women. 

- Arnold called Donald and started the conversation with "Hello Kettle? It's me, The Pot". 

- Wow. I thought those two were Maid for each other. 

*****

Samsung has officially ended production of their "Galaxy 7" smartphone after more consumers complained that the phones caught on fire. 

- This is not what Samsung meant when they introduced the phone and said "It would catch on fire!" 

- That's why I love my Flip Phone. It never catches on fire... in fact, I can barely get it to turn on. 

*****

A new study claims that Yoga might not be rigorous enough to satisfy the recommended guidelines for daily physical activity. 

- Just when I finally mastered the "Leaning Tower of Pisa During A Hurricane" pose.  

*****

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg told Katie Couric that the "kneeling during the National Anthem" trend is "Dumb and Disrespectful". 

- And at 83 years old, she announced she'll be holding a "Justices' Lives Matter" rally this weekend. 

*****

Social Media lit up when a rumor surfaced that Nickelodeon had cancelled production of "SpongeBob Squarepants" after 17 years. But Nick execs say it's not true. 

- Tens of thousands of 30 year olds living in their parents basements are breathing a collective sigh of relief. 

*****

NOTE: Today is the LAST DAY in Michigan to register to Vote in the November 8th Presidential Election! 

- Don't miss your chance to cast your ballot for the Candidate you despise the least! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

OCTOBER 10, 2016

Both Trump and Hillary Clinton took the gloves off during last night's Presidential debate, hurling insults at each other.

- She called him a "Liar" and "Unfit to be President". And he said she should be "In jail" and is "Unfit to be in a 'Girls Gone Wild' Video". 

*****

Right off the top, The Donald apologized for what he called "Locker Room Talk" in the famous video that rocked his campaign over the weekend. 

- The conversation on that tape was like the Locker Room Talk at Spartan Stadium lately...but Trump used a lot fewer expletives. 

*****

The biggest star of the night turned out to be one of the undecided voters named Kenneth Bone who, donning a bright red sweater, asked a question about Energy policy. 

- He was just what the doctor ordered for disgruntled voters can't stand either Trump or Clinton and who've been saying "C'mon... throw me a Bone, wouldya?"

*****

An FBI study shows that gun sales are up by 27% compared to this time last year. 

- FBI Director James Comey says the gun sales are clearly wrong... but he has no plans to indict anyone who bought one. 

*****

A new biography of Paul Simon labels the singer as a thief and a bully. 

- That may be, but he's still got better hair than Art Garfunkel. 

- The book is called "Me & Julio Stealing a Kid's Lunch Money Down By The School Yard". 

*****

Pope Francis named 17 new Cardinals during a ceremony at the Vatican. 

- He would have named 18, but they'd already reached their Salary Cap. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #206

OCTOBER 8, 2016

Well thanks to the miracle of modern science (okay... Jackie figured out which button to push) I am thrilled to present our first full length Podcast in some time! 

With Hurricane Matthew on everyone's mind... I'll tell you the true (even backed up by old newspaper accounts) story of how a very young and naive Gail and I not only survived Hurricane Donna when it ravaged Jacksonville, Florida in 1960 - but how we actually drove across a massive bridge during the worst of it... all so I could get to work on time. (Hey... somebody had to be there to spin the tunes!)

Then it's on to our final look at the new Seinfeld book - with an emphasis this time on Michael Richards aka Kramer. (Hint: He was apparently as eccentric when the cameras were off, as he was when they were rolling). 

So put down that rickshaw your pulling and instead of declaring "I'm out!", "Tune in!" to Podcast #206. 

Have a great rest-of-the-weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick

October 6, 2016

In the wake of scores of "Scary Clown" sightings, a group in Oregon is planning a "Clown's Lives Matter" march to show that clowns are good people, not psycho killers. 

- The Clowns say they plan a peaceful event... but if detractors show up, they haven't ruled out using water-squirting flowers and confetti-filled cannons. What a bunch of Bozos. 

*****

The U.S. has suspended bilateral contact with Russia because of their ongoing role in Syria.

- Translation: President Obama unfriended Vladimir Putin on Facebook.

*****

Thousands of flights have already been cancelled in anticipation of the arrival of Hurricane Matthew. 

- This is horrible news for travelers, but great news for pilots who want to throw back a few cocktails. 

*****

Supporters of Hillary Clinton claim Donald Trump was "an idiot" for his pronunciation of "Nevada" during a campaign stop there. Trump insists it's "Ne-VAH-da"... They say it's "Nev-AD-a". 

- Coming soon... The Great "You Say To-MAY-To... I Say To-MAH-to" debate. 

- It mean not seem like a big deal until you remember how Dan Quayle was brought down by a Potato.

*****

The Arkansas man who claims that Bill Clinton is his biological father has started a Facebook page. 

- Does this guy NOT understand that if Hillary can delete 33,000 emails, she's not gonna have much trouble getting rid of THAT?

*****

In an exclusive interview with People Magazine, Kim Kardashian said she knew she had to keep quiet to survive the robbery in France. 

- Which is why she barely made a sound while uploading selfies of herself sitting on her butt in the bathtub looking "scared-but-sexy" to her Instagram account. 

*****

A Nigerian man gave his fiancee a surprise lavish wedding just 6 hours after proposing to her. 

- He paid for it with the $100,000 she wired him when he first emailed her last summer. 

*****

There's a new spicy tortilla chip in stores so hot - it only comes one to a package. "The Carolina Reaper Madness Chip" will set you back $4.99 and after trying it, one tester said, "I have no idea what's happening to my body right now."

- I feel the same way every time I binge out on a bag of Cheetos. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

October 5, 2016

Last night's VP Debate was a bit of a free-for-all, with Hillary Clinton's Veep candidate Tim Kaine interrupting Trump's Mike Pence & the moderator 72 times in 90 minutes. 

- The technical term for it is "De-bate-us Interuptus". 

- George W. Bush, who watched the debate, has dubbed Kaine "The Interrupter-er". 

- Kaine interrupted so much, when the moderator asked a question, she then asked for some duct tape.

*****

Social Media went crazy after Kaine said he would be "Hillary's Right-Hand Person" instead of "Right-Hand Man".

- What next? "Personal Assistant of State" because the word "Secretary" is demeaning to women? I mean... uh... "People With Alternate Reproductive Organs". 

- And what about Left-Handed people? Great... another disenfranchised minority. 

*****

Commentators pretty much agreed that Pence brought a sense of sensibility to the Trump Campaign.

- Trump immediately tweeted, "Yada...Yada...Yada..." 

*****

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is expected to test fire a rocket today that will include a pre-planned explosion, which the crew would survive. 

- The crew would actually eject with parachutes and glide back to earth for FREE in just 2 Days - Guaranteed if they have Amazon Prime.

*****

Vladimir Putin announced that he is tired of being attacked as a bad guy by Clinton and Trump.

- And if anybody knows about attacks...it's Putin. 

- Vlad is said to be so distracted by Trump and Clinton mentioning him, he forgot to take his shirt off for his horseback ride this morning. 

*****

ABC has given the green light to a reboot of the 1970's hit "The Gong Show". 

- The network is auditioning a bunch of ISIS wanna be's... because it's guaranteed they'll bomb. 

*****

Action figures based on the cast of "The Golden Girls" will debut at the New York Comic-Con this weekend. 

- They were going to debut figures of Baywatch girls but they ran out of plastic. 

*****

A new study shows that Botox injections may be slightly better for incontinence than surgical intervention. 

- And as a bonus... patients won't have those unsightly bladder wrinkles. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

A 28 year old man named Danny Williams is demanding a DNA test, claiming that Bill Clinton is his Dad after having an affair with his Mom, a prostitute, in Little Rock. 

- Looks like Bill's next campaign appearance is going to be on The Maury Povich show. 

*****

Meanwhile, during a speech in Flint yesterday, Bill Clinton took a shot at President Obama calling Obamacare a "crazy system" that "doesn't make any sense". 

- He said it wasn't as crazy as "Hillarycare" that his wife proposed back in 1993, but still "it's pretty nuts". 

*****

Tonight is the big debate between the two VP candidates, Trump running mate Mike Pence and Clinton Veep Tim Kaine. 

- These two guys are important. After all, one of them could be one heartbeat away... and the other one seasonal allergy away from the Presidency. 

*****

Donald Trump continues to defend using legal loopholes to avoid paying federal taxes, and vows to change the system so he will have to pay more taxes in the future. 

- I haven't been this confused since Bruce Jenner got a Boob Job. 

*****

Despite the fact that the father of the 15 year old girl who was sexted by Anthony Weiner won't press charges, the FBI is going after "Carlos Danger". 

- Let's just cut to the chase... The FBI is gonna say he did some really bad stuff, but won't indict him. 

******

Some people think that Kim Kardashian's robbery-at-gunpoint was actually a publicity stunt to help sagging ratings of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians". 

- I don't care what they say. I believe Kim, no ifs, ands or Butts. 

*****

Lindsay Lohan had to have part of her finger surgically reattached after she severed it in a boating accident. 

- This is what happens when you try to do coke off a moving propeller. 

*****

Three Brits have split the Nobel Prize in Physics for their research into the secrets of 'exotic matter'.

- This has led to a new movement in the scientific community: "Exotic Matter Matters". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Masked men broke into Kim Kardashian's bedroom at a residence in Paris last night, tied her up at gunpoint and robbed her of more than $10 million in jewelry. 

- Luckily Kim was able to untie herself and call Ryan Lochte's mom.

- Kanye West rushed to Kim's side, but said "Beyonce was still the greatest person ever robbed at gunpoint of all time". 

*****

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is set to release a new set of documents tomorrow that he says will seriously damage Hillary Clinton's campaign - and also claims she once asked her staff if they could take him out in a drone strike. 

- Apparently emails aren't the only thing she wanted deleted. 

*****

Meanwhile an audio tape has surfaced where Hillary mocks Bernie Sander's supporters saying they "live in their parents basement" and work as "Baristas". 

- It may be insulting... but even Bernie has to admit it's kinda true. 

*****

A New York Times article revealed that Donald Trump lost almost a billion dollars in 1995, largely from his failed casino, meaning legally he didn't have to pay federal taxes for almost two decades. 

- You gotta wonder about a guy who loses at his own casino. 

*****

Pope Francis says he won't comment on the American election, but urged Catholics to Pray before voting. 

- With these two candidates, I'm thinking that's a good idea whether your Catholic or not. 

*****

A Yahoo Health survey found that 80% of Americans think the price of prescription drugs is too high.

- Apparently the other 20% have a two-dollar co-pay. 

- Madonna said she has to do one extra concert per year just to pay for her antibiotics. 

*****

Nicole Kidman told Red Magazine that she was way too young to marry Tom Cruise. 

- She added that trying to look shorter than him was "Mission Impossible". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #205

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #205...a bit of a mini-Podcast. Yes, once again technical difficulties have sidelined us from putting up the full 40 minutes that we recorded, but we did manage to get 11 minutes featuring two very special guests: Jackie's 15 year old son Charlie, and my daughter Julie's 4-year old son Brayden (aka "Captain America"). Charlie, who just turned 15, proves that teenage boys really don't have much to say... as opposed to Brayden who talks more than Donald Trump after a tweet from Rosie O'Donnell. 

So "take ten" (literally and figuratively) and join us for Podcast #205. As they say... it's short but sweet! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick