Political Shocker: The Detroit News has endorsed Gary Johnson, the Libertarian candidate for President. It's the first time in the 143 year history of the Paper that they have Not endorsed a Republican Candidate for President. Johnson's a tri-athlete who has climbed the seven tallest mountains in the world, including Mt. Everest. 

- In response Trump Tweeted "Johnson doesn't have The Stamina to be President". 

*****

Donald Trump is hinting on Social Media that he will bring up Bill Clinton's sexual exploits during the next debate. 

- He won't get to all the women though... the debate's only 90 minutes long. 

*****

Apple is reportedly developing a sleep-tracking app for the Apple Watch. 

- Finally... I won't have to look at the clock on my nightstand to find out how much sleep I'm Not getting. 

*****

A life sized bronze statue of the late Eagles singer Glenn Frey has been installed in a park in Arizona. 

- Wouldn't a better spot for the statue have been a Hotel in California?  

*****

Angelina Jolie announced that she's going the London School of Economics.

- Meanwhile Brad Pitt announced that he's joining Match.com. 

*****

Speaking of Brangelina... There's a rumor going around that Angelina is once again wearing a vial of her ex-husband Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck. 

- Of course at his age now, she's had to add some Coumadin to keep it from clotting.

*****

According to a study in the American Journal of Preventative Medicine, sitting for three hours a day causes 433,000 deaths every year. 

- On the bright side, they don't really "drop dead", they just slump a little further down on the couch. 

*****

Sorry if I seem a little tired today -I was up late at the Kanye West concert at the Joe. 

- It was a great show but I wish he'd included more of his old songs like "Badunkadunk"and  "Call Some Hoes". 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

So as not to offend anyone, U of M students can now choose the pronoun they wish to be referred to, including "He", "She" and "Ze" or "Hir" for students who aren't sure which gender they are. 

- And instead of "Go Blue"... Alumni are now asked to say "Go Roy G Biv" so All Colors of the rainbow feel included. 

- This is going to make rushing Fraternities and Sororities a lot more complicated.

- I wouldn't want to the TV announcer who has to describe who just scored the touchdown. 

*****

Facebook users are being warned not to believe a scam post claiming that Brad Pitt is dead. 

- It was posted by an A. Jolie. 

- Friends are urging Angelina to ADOPT a nicer attitude towards Brad. 

*****

Hillary and Donald are both claiming that they won Monday night's debate. 

- Look for the same thing to happen the day after the election. 

*****

Meanwhile The Donald says the reason it seemed like he was sniffing so much at the debate was because someone monkeyed with his microphone. 

- When I hear "Monkeying with his microphone"... Bill Clinton always comes to mind. 

*****

A British study found that wearing polyester pants can lower a person's sex drive. 

- The study also found that if you wear polyester pants, you gave up on sex a long time ago.

*****

Switzerland has banned Muslim women from wearing Burkas in public. 

- Yet it still perfectly legal for Men to wear Speedos. Where is the justice???

*****

Scientists have revealed that people who suffer from acne as teens will look much younger later in life and will actually live longer than their smooth skinned classmates.

- I hope Joan Lyke reads this and regrets turning me down for the Freshmen Homecoming Dance. 

- So I should have saved all of the money I spent on Clearasil. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

In their heated debate last night, Donald Trump said he'll release his tax returns when Hillary Clinton releases her 33,000 missing emails. 

- So all we have to do is wait for Hell to freeze over. 

*****

Debate Moderator, NBC News Anchor Lester Holt is being criticized for Not asking Hillary Clinton tough questions. 

- Like Benghazi, The Clinton Foundation, and Her Plan to get Brad and Angelina back together again. 

*****

The Donald has been criticized for rambling all over the place with his comments. 

- They should have brought in a  band to play "Ramblin Gamblin Man".

- I thought for sure Kanye West was gonna jump on stage and proclaim that "Hillary is the greatest Presidential Debater of all time!" 

*****

Despite fears that Hillary's pneumonia would cause her to have a coughing fit, Donald was the one who kept sniffling. 

- It was like watching "Sniffles the Clown" vs. "Little Red Email-Hood".

**** 

A study by Michigan State University found that riding a high-intensity roller coaster can help people pass kidney stones. 

- And if the roller coaster comes to a stop when you're upside down, they found people passed a lot more than that. 

*****

A man shot a barista a a Las Vegas Starbucks after his credit card was declined. 

- Luckily no one was injured since it was a Shot of Espresso. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #204

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the first weekend of Fall and Podcast #204. We actually recorded it last Sunday (when it was still Summer), but with the passing of longtime Detroit news anchor and talk show host John Kelly, I decided to postpone putting it up until today. 

In this go round, Jackie and I will give you a list of reasons to embrace the change of seasons (got hairy arms? Autumn is your time of the year!) Then, I serve as your own personal "audio book" - reading more of the new best-seller "Seinfeldia". 

From why NBC had to shell out big bucks to name "Kramer", "Kramer", how Jason Alexander beat out scores of other actors to land the role of "George", and the actress who almost became "Elaine" before Julia Louis Dreyfus got the part, it's all in Podcast #204. 

So put on your Puffy Shirt and tune in... if you don't... "NO SOUP FOR YOU!"

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog.

-Dick

Carmen Harlan is retiring from Channel 4 after 38 years. She worked with Mort Crim for the first 18, and with Devin Scillian for the last 20. About 6 years ago, Carmen and I were at a party when she asked me how I liked retirement. I told her I loved it, and she told me she was "considering it". Apparently it took her a while to make up her mind... Her last newscast will be November 11th.  

*****

Angelina Jolie allegedly told a friend that Brad Pitt smokes tons of weed and hired a group of Russian hookers, adding that since he turned 50, he's basically "gone insane".  

- Not wear-a-vial of-Billy-Bob-Thornton's-blood-around-your-neck-like-she-did-insane...but still pretty crazy!

*****

Anthony Weiner is in trouble AGAIN... This time for allegedly sexting with a 15 year old girl. 

- In his defense, the girl actually told him she was 16. 

*****

American University is now offering free coloring books to students to help them "de-stress".

- And if that doesn't work, they all get a Juice Box and a PB & J sandwich with the crust cut off.

*****

According to newly discovered documents, ISIS Jihadists are now giving their Brides suicide vests as wedding gifts. 

- Ah yes... "Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, and Something That Goes BOOM!"

- This is what happens when you register at "Bed, Bath & The Great Beyond". 

*****

The first official Breast Milk Bank has opened in New York State where mothers who can't breast feed can get milk for their babies. 

- The bank is lactated...I'm sorry, that's LOCATED... in Westchester County.

*****

David Letterman is returning to TV for a National Geographic series on Climate Change. 

- The show will feature the "Top Ten Icebergs That Are Melting" and "Stupid Human's Driving SUV's Tricks".

*****

Donald Trump told reporters he's preparing for the upcoming Presidential debates the same way he prepared for the Republican Primary Debates. 

- That explains why he's been making references to "Little Hillary".

*****

An Italian Neurosurgeon says he is prepared to perform the first human head transplant, and will reanimate his patient using electrical current. 

- The doctor said his patient won't feel a thing as he'll be given a strong Sed-A-Give. (Gene Wilder line in Young Frankenstein). 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with the first of our Fall Podcasts!

-Dick 

America is still reeling from the news that Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt. 

- But they'll still be together... As soon as the divorce is final, she's going to adopt him.

- You hear this kind of devastating news and it really puts the whole ISIS thing in perspective. 

*****

Singer Adele was so shaken up by news of the Jolie/Pitt break-up that she dedicated her concert to them last night at Madison Square Garden.

- HELLO???

*****

It's been reported that Bill Clinton  made $260,000 for a speech to the National Fragrance Foundation that lasted less than an hour. 

- It's inspired a new perfume... "Chanel No. 260,000". 

*****

The Russian Government has revealed that they plan on sending a man to the moon by 2030. 

- Which would be amazing news if this was 1969.

*****

Rapper Shawty Lo has died at the age of 40, leaving behind 11 children and 10 baby mamas. 

- He sure produced a lot more kids than he did hit songs. 

- Apparently he didn't come up "Shawty" in the bedroom. 

*****

O.J. Simpson prosecutor Chris Darden told Entertainment Tonight that he and co-counselor Marcia Clark were "more than just friends" DURING THE TRIAL. 

- He said their personalities fit together perfectly... you know, like hand-in-glove. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

RIP... Charmian Carr, who played the oldest daughter "Liesl" in the film classic The Sound Of Music, has died at the age of 73. One of Jackie's life-highlights was singing "Sixteen Going On Seventeen" with her live on the air when she visited us in the studio one day. The other six actors who played the Von Trapp Children are still alive. 

*****

Tom Hiddleston says that despite their break-up, he is still friends with Taylor Swift. 

- Taylor's got more ex-boyfriends than Madonna... but still doesn't have as many STD's. 

*****

It's a HUGE day in Pop Music History, as we celebrate the 20 Anniversary of the Spice Girls. 

- They're the second best group to ever come out of England... after Freddie & the Dreamers, of course. 

*****

An Italian tourist was trampled by an elephant just seconds after taking a pic of himself standing in front of it. 

- His girlfriend says she'll never forgot the horrible moment... and neither will the elephant. 

*****

A California Review Board has denied Mark Zuckerberg's request to demolish four homes so he could expand the size of his mansion. 

- He's already "unfriended" everyone on the board. 

*****

Recently leaked emails show that Hillary reads her Blackberry in the shower.

- And you don't even want KNOW what Bill does in there. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

R.I.P..... John Kelly, longtime Detroit TV newsman and talk show host, has died at the age of 88 at his residence in Southfield. John was part of the incredibly famous Channel 7 news team, "Bonds, Kelly, Ackerman, Turner" in the 1970's - having been hired away from his previous station, WJBK where here worked successfully with Jac Le Goff, Jerry Kodak and his soon-to-be-wife, Marilyn Turner. 

In addition to the news, John, along with Marilyn, co-hosted "Kelly & Company"... a widely popular morning talk show. Jackie had the privilege of interning on the show for a summer and said that John was "alway funny and beyond nice. He treated us 'little people' like we were just as important as the famous guests who came in to be on the show". The picture of the coffee cup was taken by Jackie at her house this morning. She got it (okay...she stole it) when she left to go back to college and still uses it to this day. 

Our thoughts and prayers go out to Marilyn and the family. 

A 25 year old British woman has entered the Guinness Book of World Records for having the longest female beard in the world. 

- She was going to go out and celebrate with her boyfriend... but then realized she doesn't have one anymore because her beard was longer than his. 

- That sketch looks like Caitlyn Jenner at 5 in the afternoon. 

*****

Donald Trump says he needs to lose 15 or 20 pounds. 

- His next tweet should read "Trump With The Rump".  

- Apparently the Donald has been making his waist "Great Again". 

*****

CBS is underfire for editing Bill Clinton's comments about Hillary's health...taking out the word "frequently" and leaving in "rarely" when he talked about her fainting spells over the years. 

- If I didn't know better... I'd think the media was Biased.

- Apparently CBS stands for the "Clinton Broadcasting System".

*****

The White House has confirmed that two more prisoners released from Gitmo by President Obama have re-joined terrorist groups. So far, over 100 men released from the prison have returned to jihadist groups. 

- This is great.... we'll let anybody IN the country, but we make sure we send Islamic Terroists back to their friends and family.

*****

A New York photography studio has begun offering professional "penis" photoshoots that include dressing "Mr. Happy" in costumes and tiny hats. 

- It's good to see Anthony Weiner putting his photography skills to good use. 

- For Trump fans, they even have an itty bitty  "Make America Great Again" baseball cap.

*****

The Detroit Lions are teaming up with Uber to offer fans rides to and from their games at Ford Field. 

- In keeping with many of the Lions passes, the Uber cars will drive out of bounds. 

- So now you'll make it home safely, but the Lions still won't make it to the Super Bowl.

*****

The Outback Steakhouse released a statement reminding customers that they do not allow firearms in the restaurants. 

- Apparently they want diners to leave their guns Outback.

- So you can ride shotgun in the car on the way to dinner... you just can't take it in. 

*****

A Fertility Doctor in Indianapolis has been accused of using his own sperm to inseminate at least 50 of his patients.

- He's going to have to clear out an entire cupboard to fit all of the "World's Worst Dad" coffee mugs he'll be getting next Father's Day.     

******

A woman in Florida, upset with her order at a Wendy's drive-thru, went into the restaurant, trashed the counter and threw pink lemonade in the manager's face. 

- Wow... I had no idea Wendy's had pink lemonade.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

Donald Trump will sit down with Doctor Oz tomorrow to discuss the status of his health. 

- We don't know what he's going to say... but we do know that Dr. Oz is going to stretch a human colon out across the stage and tell Trump that he can drop a ton of weight by drinking green tea extract. 

*****

Speaking of Colons... Colin Powell is the latest victim of email hacking... and it's not good for Hillary. Powell said that he lost a speaking gig "because she so overcharged them... they couldn’t afford any fees for awhile. I should send her a bill.” 

- Hillary is going to respond in a speech she's giving this afternoon... for 250 grand. 

*****

Meanwhile, a new poll found that 50% of Americans think that Hillary has given false information about her health. 

- The other 50% were unable to respond as they were coughing too hard from "seasonal allergies". 

*****

Two cops in California rescued a kitten who was trapped in a drain pipe by luring it out with a leftover burrito from their car.

- Donald Trump said he believes it's a Mexican kitten that sneaked across the border and is threatening to deport it. 

*****

A 2-year-old South Carolina boy is home safely after he was found driving down the street in the middle of the night in a battery-powered toy car.

- Boy... Uber will hire anybody these days. 

*****

The Oxford English dictionary is adding the word "moobs" which is short for "man boobs". 

- Under synonyms you'll find the words "Caitlyn Jenner". 

*****

The first trailer has been released for "Fifty Shades Darker".... the sequel to "Fifty Shades of Grey". 

- Reviewers say it's just like a porn movie... except it has a plot... sort of. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Ryan Lochte was dancing on DWTS when a man rushed the stage yelling "Lochte's a liar". 

- Ryan immediately called his Mom and said he and his dance partner had been robbed at gunpoint. 

*****

Former Texas Rick Perry also made his debut on DWTS to good reviews. 

- One Judge said he hasn't seen a politician dance that well since Hillary Clinton talked about her health. 

*****

Donald Trump said he wishes Hillary well and hopes she get over her pneumonia soon. 

- But added that he's going to build a wall around her at the debates to keep out any unwanted germs. 

*****

Some leaders of the Democratic Party are reportedly looking at other candidates to replace Hillary in case her health keeps her from continuing her campaign. 

- This could give Bernie Sanders the chance to not get the nomination Twice in one year.

*****

Supermodel Kate Upton blasts the Miami Dolphins on social media for kneeling down during the National Anthem. 

- The Dolphins plan to Flipper off. 

*****

Rapper Lil Wayne says that later today, he'll announce whether he's retiring from making music. 

- You might agree with me that he retired from making music the first time he turned his microphone on. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to a new week and a shiny new Podcast... #203. Join Jackie and me as we sit down at the Purtan Family Dining Room Table for an in-depth look at the book "Seinfeldia: How a Show About Nothing Changed Everything". Serving as your own personal "Audio Book", I read passages about the behind-the-scenes workings of my hands-down favorite TV show of all time - and reveal what Jerry Seinfeld says is his favorite episode of the entire series. (Btw... the pic is of me as Kramer, & Jackie as Elaine, from a charity calendar we did for Children's Hospital a while back). Before you say "Yada...yada...yada"... there's more.

We also talk about the state of Hillary's Health (cough, cough), How I tried to secretly annoy our next door neighbor by driving a toy tank into her backyard, Jackie's failed attempt to create a new fruit - "The Banapple", the time I turned down a proposition from the blond bombshell Stella Stevens... and lots of other stuff as well. 

So be the master of your own domain...enjoy Serenity now... and tune in to Podcast #203 - It's real... and it's spectacular! And don't worry about Shrinkage... it's almost 40 minutes long. 

Have a great Monday... and I'll see you back here Tuesday with my regular blog!

-Dick

Today marks the 50th Anniversary of the television debut of "Star Trek".

- Trekkies everywhere are celebrating by continuing to "Live Long and Prosper" in their parents basement. 

- To fans, "Going where no man has gone before" means "out on a date".

*****

Hillary Clinton said that there is evidence that ISIS wants Donald Trump to win the Presidency. 

- Apparently she saw a satellite photo of a "Trump/Pence 2016" sign in the sand outside a cave in Syria.

*****

Meanwhile Donald Trump says that within his first 30 day in the White House, he will ask the Military to come up with a plan to wipe out ISIS.

- And Hillary vows to spend her first 30 days wiping out the rest of her emails. 

*****

Starbucks CEO Howard Shultz announced that he's endorsing Hillary Clinton for President...and will be donating do her campaign.

- In other words, your Grande Half-Caf Pumpkin Spice Latte is now gonna cost you about ten bucks. 

*****

Tiger Woods announced that he expects to return to full-time golf in early November. 

- I guess he's tired of just puttering around the house.

*****

Apple unveiled the new iPhone 7 that comes with TWO high resolution cameras. 

- The phone is also known as the iAnthonyWeiner. 

*****

A Rasmussen poll shows that only 28% of Americans believe the U.S. is headed in the right direction. 

- Apparently 28% of Americans don't have TV's or internet access. 

*****

A 43 year old Oklahoma woman is facing prison after legally marrying her 25 year old Daughter. 

- I know a lot of Mom's get swept up in planning their daughter's weddings... but they don't usually make themselves the Groom. 

- It was like a fairytale... "Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed...And Someone Who Gave Birth to You". 

*****

Kanye West unveiled his new "Yeazy Season 4 " clothing line during a live-streaming fashion show. 

- And if you happened to watch the show, I'm gonna have to ask you to "Unlike" me on Facebook. 

*****

Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson appeared on MSNBC this morning was asked what he would do about Aleppo - the Syrian city at the heart of that countries civil war. He asked "What's Aleppo?"

- In his defense, his supporters think "A-leppo" is slang for someone with leprosy. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Chevy Chase has reportedly checked himself into an addiction treatment center in Minnesota. 

- Apparently the thought of Cousin Eddie coming over for Thanksgiving pushed him over the edge. 

- More on this story in the upcoming movie "National Lampoon's Rehab Vacation". 

*****

Bill Coby who was back in court yesterday regarding his upcoming Sexual Assault trial, is claiming that he is the victim of racial bias. 

- Apparently he believes that if dozens of women had been drugged and assaulted by Wilford Brimley they never would've filed charges. 

*****

Cosby looked healthier than he has before, but his lawyers say he is 100% blind. 

- And he better hope the jurors are blind too. And deaf. 

*****

As more coughing fits have raised questions about Hillary Clinton's health, she admitted yesterday she has "upped her antihistamine med load" to combat what she calls "seasonal allergies". 

- Meanwhile Bill said that he tried Afrin once... but he didn't inhale. 

*****

A group of stoned concert goers at the Burning Man Festival, cut power lines, glued trailer doors shut and flooded the ground with 2,000 gallons of water. 

- Police say they have 500 eyewitnesses... but they were so high not one of them remembers seeing anything. 

*****

The International Astronomical Union has named an asteroid after the late Queen singer Freddie Mercury.

- Am I crazy, or doesn't he already have a planet named for him???

- If they want to name an Asteroid after someone... I vote for Anthony Weiner. 

*****

Yet another one of Taylor Swifts' relationships has come to an end. 

- There hasn't been this much attention paid to a break up since The Beatles. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

When Air Force One landed in China for the G-20 Summit, Chinese officials said they "couldn't find" a staircase to let President Obama off the plane for a red carpet welcome. He ended up having to come out of the rear door of the plane. 

- Maybe they were just honoring Obama's policy of "Leading from Behind". 

- They did give him an extra egg roll at lunch, so all in all it was a wash. 

*****

Apple is set to unveil the new iPhone 7 in a star studded event tomorrow. 

- We know one thing for sure... it's going to be iExpensive. 

- In related news, I'm using a new piece of duct tape to keep the battery in my Flip-Phone. 

*****

19 years after her death, Mother Teresa has been officially named a Saint.

- Unfortunately, National-Anthem-dissing Colin Kaepernick, continues to be a 49er. 

*****

A Yahoo study found that 50% of Americans don't want to visit Florida because of the Zika Virus. 

- And the other 50% don't want to visit because their mother-in-law lives there.  

- Disney is trying to calm fears by featuring a fun new ride called: "It's a SMALL Mosquito After All". 

*****

Pamela Anderson wrote an Op-Ed piece in the Wall Street Journal over the weekend urging people to give up porn. 

- It took a really long time to read since she wrote it in Slo-Motion. 

*****

7 days after starting a hunger strike to protest not getting tenure, a Pennsylvania college professor had his first meal - tacos. 

- He said he gave in because he'd made his point... and...  he was really, really hungry.

*****

"The Burning Man" music festival out West reportedly has a giant tent where people are invited to go in and have sex with strangers. 

- Concert goers can now leave the festival with a $20 T-Shirt... and a Free STD!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #202

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to Labor Day weekend and Podcast #202. Yes... we FINALLY got our technical problems worked out and are back at the Purtan Dining Room Table aka "Podcast Central"! Topics include:

- Why some men in Europe are wearing size 36E bras.

- ISIS... and how their latest actions have lowered the barbaric bar even further. 

- Even more unbelievable "PC" mandates at colleges - and even at one elementary school.

- And with the loss of comedic legend Gene Wilder, we share some of our favorites moments from his masterpiece "Young Frankenstein"... (That's FRONK-on-schteen!).

So "Put the candle back", "Walk this way", and click on Podcast #202!

Have a great long Labor Day weekend and I'll see you back here Tuesday with my regular blog!

-Dick

Patriots' QB Tom Brady is being mocked online for sporting what some people are calling a "Megyn Kelly" haircut. 

- Personally I like it... unlike his footballs, his hair has a lot of volume.

*****

Donald Trump doubled down on his plan to build "A Wall" during his Immigration speech last night... just hours after traveling to Mexico to meet with President Nieto. 

- The Mexican President hasn't agreed to pay for the wall, but might as long as it will keep Trump from ever entering Mexico again. 

*****

New emails show that Hillary Clinton continued to email classified information on her private email server AFTER she stepped down as Secretary of State. 

- Democrats say that demonstrates the kind of Consistency we need in our next President. 

*****

Ryan Lochte is now endorsing a hand-held alarm called Robocopp. In the ads he says "I've been traveling a lot lately. We all like to have fun, but it's a good idea to stay safe. Robocopp can get you out of a bad situation."

- And lying about a bad situation can land you an endorsement deal with Robocopp. 

*****

A small digital video camera was found in the women's bathroom of a Jeep Dealership in White Lake Township.   

- Usually you expect to find the rear-view camera in the CAR... Not in the DEALERSHIP.

- A woman discovered the camera when she sat too far back and the camera started beeping. 

- His boss said whoever put it there just flushed his future at the dealership goodbye. 

*****

CBS is developing a scripted TV series call "Her Honor" based on the life of Judge Judy. 

- Meanwhile NBC is working on a series called "Law & Order: DNA" based on the life of Maury Povich. 

*****

The body of the alleged clairvoyant who gained fame when he accurately predicted the death of Michael Jackson was found murdered in his office. 

- Police are asking anyone who can talk to the dead to contact the clairvoyant and ask him who they should arrest. 

*****

A multi-million dollar Unmanned rocket exploded on the launch pad at Cape Canaveral in Florida this morning... sending black smoke billowing into the air.

- Thousands of Floridians cheered, thinking that their Condo Association had elected a new President. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Northbound I-275 has reopened...ahead of schedule!

- Which means starting this afternoon, commuters will most likely be stuck in rush hour traffic on brand-spanking new lanes!

*****

Donald Trump will deliver a major speech on Immigration tonight, but first he'll fly south of the border to meet with Mexican President Enrique Nieto. 

- Trump is going to try to steal President Nieto's wallet to get a cash down payment for "The Wall". 

*****

Singer Chris Brown has been arrested...again...after a woman accused him of pointing a gun at her during a jewelry party at his home. 

- The gun pointing doesn't surprise me... but Brown never really struck me a a "Jewelry Party" kind of guy.

*****

Professors teaching an Environmental class at the University of Colorado emailed students telling them that if they question the validity of "climate change", they should drop out of the class... and that no dissenting opinions will be allowed. 

- That's what college should be... a free exchange of ideas. As long as they're the Professors' ideas. 

- When I was a student at Syracuse, the only "Climate Change" we noticed was a gust of wind when  a Frisbee flew over our heads. 

*****

Mike Tyson is being accused of stealing an Ice Cream Bar at the U.S. Open tennis tournament. 

- They must have been out of Elephant Ears.

*****

The hot new trend in the perfume and cologne industry is Unisex Scents... Fragrances that work on both a man or a woman. 

- They got the idea when Bruce Jenner got fake boobs, but kept using his same old aftershave. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

RIP Willy Wonka..

Some celebrity deaths hit you harder than others... and this is one of them. Gene Wilder, who passed away yesterday at the age of 83 from complications from Alzheimers, was one of my idols. A brilliant writer, director and actor - his movie performances are among my all time favorites. From the complex quirky, yet lovable "Willy Wonka" of the chocolate factory fame all the way to the therapist who falls for a sheep named Daisy in "Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex - But Were Afraid To Ask", he was amazing to watch. And don't get me started on "Young Frankenstein". Seriously, don't... We'll be here all day. I've watched that movie more times than I've watched D-Day specials on The Military Channel (and that's saying a lot - just ask my wife, Gail.) To me, "Young Frankenstein" is the funniest movie ever made. The story about the grandson of the famous Dr. Frankenstein from the Mary Shelley novel and the 1930's movies, inheriting his Grandfather's castle and La-bor-a-tory was Wilder's idea. He took it to his friend Mel Brooks, and together they came up with the screenplay. "Put the candle back"...  "SED-A-GIVE???" "Walk this way..."  "FRONK-en-schteen"... The monster (a tuxedo clad Peter Boyle) singing and dancing to Irving Berlin's "Puttin' On The Ritz" along side Wilder. So damn funny. They just don't make 'em like that anymore.

*****

The new season of "Dancing With The Stars" will feature some familiar faces... among them, 60-year-old Maureen "Marcia Brady" McCormick. 

- Maureen has already suffered a few injuries in rehearsal... including a broken nose she got when Greg accidentally threw a football at her. 

Former Texas Governor Rick Perry will also hit the ballroom floor. 

- He says he decided to join the show for 3 reasons...but he can only remember 2 of them. 

*****

New research shows that Dogs not only recognize our tone of voice, but actually understand what people say to them. 

- For instance, Anthony Weiner knew exactly what his wife Huma Abedin meant when she said, "I'm leaving you". 

*****

A teenager wanted by Police in Australia was caught after complaining about the unflattering photo of her they were using on TV, and sending them a better one. They tracked her phone, and nabbed her. 

- She is so stupid, it's criminal. 

*****

North Korea has reportedly executed two more top government officials... one for allegedly nodding off during a meeting. 

- I think Kim Jong Un was just looking for a fun way to wrap up his back-to-school essay, "What I Did On My Summer Vacation". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Former NY Congressman and husband of Hillary Clinton's top aide Huma Abedin, Anthony Weiner, (aka "Carlos Danger") has been caught tweeting racy photos of himself to another woman AGAIN. This is time his 5 year old son is in the background of the pics. 

- Anthony sends out tweets more often that Hillary deletes emails. 

- At this point he's giving up politics forever, and will stick with being a Stay-At-Home Cad. 

*****

U.S. Rep. John Conyers & former Detroit City Councilwoman Monica Conyers - who were due in court for Divorce proceedings today...renewed their vows on Saturday. 

- Although they've been together for years... the Maid of Honor said Monica was "a nervous Shrek".

*****

A new study found that an addiction to coffee is genetic. 

- Especially if you happen to be the love child of Juan Valdez and Mrs. Folger. 

*****

Pope Francis met with Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg at the Vatican over the weekend. 

- Zuckerberg wanted to keep the meeting secret, but the Pontiff tagged him in a photo. 

- The Pope will also meet with the head of Amazon... who is set to arrive in Rome in two days, with free shipping!

*****

The Federal Government is spending almost $1 Million to study the drinking habits of Lesbians. 

- Finally! An answer to one of the most burning questions on Americans' minds. 

- I'm betting they have no interest in Jim Beam, Jack Daniels or Johnny Walker. 

*****

Embattled Olympian Ryan Lochte has a new endorsement deal...as the spokesperson for Pine Bros. Throat Lozenges.

- After being sponsored by Speedo... that's got to be hard to swallow. 

*****

President Obama's former campaign manager went on TV Sunday and called Donald Trump "a psychopath". 

- He went on to criticize Trump for calling Hillary Clinton names. 

*****

Chaos erupted at LAX airport in L.A. last night following fears of an attack... but it turns out the crisis was triggered by an actor on his way home from an audition dressed in a Zorro costume carrying a plastic sword. 

- If he was THAT convincing... He should get the part. 

*****

A new study found that nearly one-third of New Yorkers haven't had sex in the last year. 

- So it may be the City That Never Sleeps... but it's not sex that's keeping them up.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick