When Air Force One landed in China for the G-20 Summit, Chinese officials said they "couldn't find" a staircase to let President Obama off the plane for a red carpet welcome. He ended up having to come out of the rear door of the plane. 

- Maybe they were just honoring Obama's policy of "Leading from Behind". 

- They did give him an extra egg roll at lunch, so all in all it was a wash. 

*****

Apple is set to unveil the new iPhone 7 in a star studded event tomorrow. 

- We know one thing for sure... it's going to be iExpensive. 

- In related news, I'm using a new piece of duct tape to keep the battery in my Flip-Phone. 

*****

19 years after her death, Mother Teresa has been officially named a Saint.

- Unfortunately, National-Anthem-dissing Colin Kaepernick, continues to be a 49er. 

*****

A Yahoo study found that 50% of Americans don't want to visit Florida because of the Zika Virus. 

- And the other 50% don't want to visit because their mother-in-law lives there.  

- Disney is trying to calm fears by featuring a fun new ride called: "It's a SMALL Mosquito After All". 

*****

Pamela Anderson wrote an Op-Ed piece in the Wall Street Journal over the weekend urging people to give up porn. 

- It took a really long time to read since she wrote it in Slo-Motion. 

*****

7 days after starting a hunger strike to protest not getting tenure, a Pennsylvania college professor had his first meal - tacos. 

- He said he gave in because he'd made his point... and...  he was really, really hungry.

*****

"The Burning Man" music festival out West reportedly has a giant tent where people are invited to go in and have sex with strangers. 

- Concert goers can now leave the festival with a $20 T-Shirt... and a Free STD!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

1 Comment

Purtan Podcast #202

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to Labor Day weekend and Podcast #202. Yes... we FINALLY got our technical problems worked out and are back at the Purtan Dining Room Table aka "Podcast Central"! Topics include:

- Why some men in Europe are wearing size 36E bras.

- ISIS... and how their latest actions have lowered the barbaric bar even further. 

- Even more unbelievable "PC" mandates at colleges - and even at one elementary school.

- And with the loss of comedic legend Gene Wilder, we share some of our favorites moments from his masterpiece "Young Frankenstein"... (That's FRONK-on-schteen!).

So "Put the candle back", "Walk this way", and click on Podcast #202!

Have a great long Labor Day weekend and I'll see you back here Tuesday with my regular blog!

-Dick

1 Comment

Patriots' QB Tom Brady is being mocked online for sporting what some people are calling a "Megyn Kelly" haircut. 

- Personally I like it... unlike his footballs, his hair has a lot of volume.

*****

Donald Trump doubled down on his plan to build "A Wall" during his Immigration speech last night... just hours after traveling to Mexico to meet with President Nieto. 

- The Mexican President hasn't agreed to pay for the wall, but might as long as it will keep Trump from ever entering Mexico again. 

*****

New emails show that Hillary Clinton continued to email classified information on her private email server AFTER she stepped down as Secretary of State. 

- Democrats say that demonstrates the kind of Consistency we need in our next President. 

*****

Ryan Lochte is now endorsing a hand-held alarm called Robocopp. In the ads he says "I've been traveling a lot lately. We all like to have fun, but it's a good idea to stay safe. Robocopp can get you out of a bad situation."

- And lying about a bad situation can land you an endorsement deal with Robocopp. 

*****

A small digital video camera was found in the women's bathroom of a Jeep Dealership in White Lake Township.   

- Usually you expect to find the rear-view camera in the CAR... Not in the DEALERSHIP.

- A woman discovered the camera when she sat too far back and the camera started beeping. 

- His boss said whoever put it there just flushed his future at the dealership goodbye. 

*****

CBS is developing a scripted TV series call "Her Honor" based on the life of Judge Judy. 

- Meanwhile NBC is working on a series called "Law & Order: DNA" based on the life of Maury Povich. 

*****

The body of the alleged clairvoyant who gained fame when he accurately predicted the death of Michael Jackson was found murdered in his office. 

- Police are asking anyone who can talk to the dead to contact the clairvoyant and ask him who they should arrest. 

*****

A multi-million dollar Unmanned rocket exploded on the launch pad at Cape Canaveral in Florida this morning... sending black smoke billowing into the air.

- Thousands of Floridians cheered, thinking that their Condo Association had elected a new President. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Northbound I-275 has reopened...ahead of schedule!

- Which means starting this afternoon, commuters will most likely be stuck in rush hour traffic on brand-spanking new lanes!

*****

Donald Trump will deliver a major speech on Immigration tonight, but first he'll fly south of the border to meet with Mexican President Enrique Nieto. 

- Trump is going to try to steal President Nieto's wallet to get a cash down payment for "The Wall". 

*****

Singer Chris Brown has been arrested...again...after a woman accused him of pointing a gun at her during a jewelry party at his home. 

- The gun pointing doesn't surprise me... but Brown never really struck me a a "Jewelry Party" kind of guy.

*****

Professors teaching an Environmental class at the University of Colorado emailed students telling them that if they question the validity of "climate change", they should drop out of the class... and that no dissenting opinions will be allowed. 

- That's what college should be... a free exchange of ideas. As long as they're the Professors' ideas. 

- When I was a student at Syracuse, the only "Climate Change" we noticed was a gust of wind when  a Frisbee flew over our heads. 

*****

Mike Tyson is being accused of stealing an Ice Cream Bar at the U.S. Open tennis tournament. 

- They must have been out of Elephant Ears.

*****

The hot new trend in the perfume and cologne industry is Unisex Scents... Fragrances that work on both a man or a woman. 

- They got the idea when Bruce Jenner got fake boobs, but kept using his same old aftershave. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

1 Comment

RIP Willy Wonka..

Some celebrity deaths hit you harder than others... and this is one of them. Gene Wilder, who passed away yesterday at the age of 83 from complications from Alzheimers, was one of my idols. A brilliant writer, director and actor - his movie performances are among my all time favorites. From the complex quirky, yet lovable "Willy Wonka" of the chocolate factory fame all the way to the therapist who falls for a sheep named Daisy in "Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex - But Were Afraid To Ask", he was amazing to watch. And don't get me started on "Young Frankenstein". Seriously, don't... We'll be here all day. I've watched that movie more times than I've watched D-Day specials on The Military Channel (and that's saying a lot - just ask my wife, Gail.) To me, "Young Frankenstein" is the funniest movie ever made. The story about the grandson of the famous Dr. Frankenstein from the Mary Shelley novel and the 1930's movies, inheriting his Grandfather's castle and La-bor-a-tory was Wilder's idea. He took it to his friend Mel Brooks, and together they came up with the screenplay. "Put the candle back"...  "SED-A-GIVE???" "Walk this way..."  "FRONK-en-schteen"... The monster (a tuxedo clad Peter Boyle) singing and dancing to Irving Berlin's "Puttin' On The Ritz" along side Wilder. So damn funny. They just don't make 'em like that anymore.

*****

The new season of "Dancing With The Stars" will feature some familiar faces... among them, 60-year-old Maureen "Marcia Brady" McCormick. 

- Maureen has already suffered a few injuries in rehearsal... including a broken nose she got when Greg accidentally threw a football at her. 

Former Texas Governor Rick Perry will also hit the ballroom floor. 

- He says he decided to join the show for 3 reasons...but he can only remember 2 of them. 

*****

New research shows that Dogs not only recognize our tone of voice, but actually understand what people say to them. 

- For instance, Anthony Weiner knew exactly what his wife Huma Abedin meant when she said, "I'm leaving you". 

*****

A teenager wanted by Police in Australia was caught after complaining about the unflattering photo of her they were using on TV, and sending them a better one. They tracked her phone, and nabbed her. 

- She is so stupid, it's criminal. 

*****

North Korea has reportedly executed two more top government officials... one for allegedly nodding off during a meeting. 

- I think Kim Jong Un was just looking for a fun way to wrap up his back-to-school essay, "What I Did On My Summer Vacation". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

1 Comment

Former NY Congressman and husband of Hillary Clinton's top aide Huma Abedin, Anthony Weiner, (aka "Carlos Danger") has been caught tweeting racy photos of himself to another woman AGAIN. This is time his 5 year old son is in the background of the pics. 

- Anthony sends out tweets more often that Hillary deletes emails. 

- At this point he's giving up politics forever, and will stick with being a Stay-At-Home Cad. 

*****

U.S. Rep. John Conyers & former Detroit City Councilwoman Monica Conyers - who were due in court for Divorce proceedings today...renewed their vows on Saturday. 

- Although they've been together for years... the Maid of Honor said Monica was "a nervous Shrek".

*****

A new study found that an addiction to coffee is genetic. 

- Especially if you happen to be the love child of Juan Valdez and Mrs. Folger. 

*****

Pope Francis met with Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg at the Vatican over the weekend. 

- Zuckerberg wanted to keep the meeting secret, but the Pontiff tagged him in a photo. 

- The Pope will also meet with the head of Amazon... who is set to arrive in Rome in two days, with free shipping!

*****

The Federal Government is spending almost $1 Million to study the drinking habits of Lesbians. 

- Finally! An answer to one of the most burning questions on Americans' minds. 

- I'm betting they have no interest in Jim Beam, Jack Daniels or Johnny Walker. 

*****

Embattled Olympian Ryan Lochte has a new endorsement deal...as the spokesperson for Pine Bros. Throat Lozenges.

- After being sponsored by Speedo... that's got to be hard to swallow. 

*****

President Obama's former campaign manager went on TV Sunday and called Donald Trump "a psychopath". 

- He went on to criticize Trump for calling Hillary Clinton names. 

*****

Chaos erupted at LAX airport in L.A. last night following fears of an attack... but it turns out the crisis was triggered by an actor on his way home from an audition dressed in a Zorro costume carrying a plastic sword. 

- If he was THAT convincing... He should get the part. 

*****

A new study found that nearly one-third of New Yorkers haven't had sex in the last year. 

- So it may be the City That Never Sleeps... but it's not sex that's keeping them up.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

82 year old Larry King is reportedly filing for divorce from his 56 year old wife Shawn after finding out that she has been having an affair. 

- If those two crazy kids can't make it... what chance to the rest of us have? 

- Larry, that's seven down... One more to go. And then "Eight is Enough".

*****

Fresh off his scandal in Rio, Ryan Lochte has signed on to appear in the upcoming season of Dancing With The Stars. 

- You know if he loses he's going to claim he was robbed. 

*****

66 year old Bruce Springsteen and his E. Street Band played a concert in New Jersey Tuesday night staying on the stage for 3 hours and 52 minutes. 

- Whew! If the concert had lasted longer than 4 hours, he would have had call his doctor and go immediately to the hospital. 

*****

Domino's has announced that they will begin delivering Pizza to customers in New Zealand using Drones. 

- Soon people will be pointing at the sky saying "It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's a Pizza!"

- Little Ceasar's will counter the service by offering a new "Hot & Airborne" combo for just 5 bucks. 

*****

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange says that the next batch of Hillary Clinton emails he's set to release will be "an election game-changer" if they catch fire with the media. 

- In other words, the only place you'll hear about them is on Fox News. 

*****

A man in upstate New York walked into a convenience store dressed as Batman and stole two 18-packs of Budweiser. 

- Party at the Bat Cave! 

- Police say they believe he was working alone and are looking for a single "na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na SUS-PECT!". 

***** 

A northern California bakery has seen a big dip in sales after posting a pic of a transgender Ken doll in a flowing pink buttercream dress on it's website. 

- On the bright side... Caitlyn Jenner ordered 2 dozen transgender cupcakes for her upcoming Tupperware Party! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here this weekend with a brand new Podcast - if we can get our technical problems fixed!

-Dick

Mark Zuckerberg has admitted that Facebook knows more about you than you think... including your income and net worth, the square footage of your home, and what TV shows you watch. 

- So the cat's out of the bag... I'll admit it... I watch re-runs of "ALF".

*****

The FBI revealed that more than half of the people who were allowed to meet with then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had given at least a million dollars to the Clinton Foundation. 

- Bill has rushed to her defense saying... "I did not have sex... with any of those donors".

*****

It's National Waffle Day...

- The day we celebrate undecided voters across the country. 

*****

At a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton on Sunday, Cher called Donald Trump "an idiot".

- Trump immediately tweeted that Cher is "Two-faced"... which to be honest, after all that plastic surgery, is actually true. 

*****

Dunkin' Donuts will begin offering Pumpkin Spice Latte's at stores nationwide on Monday.

- There's no better way to beat the end of summer heat than with a piping hot drink that reminds you of Halloween. 

*****

A theater group is will perform an All-Nude version of a Shakespearian play in a NYC park this weekend. 

- In this version Juliet says, "Romeo, Romeo, where art thou Romeo? Oh... THERE thou art!!!"

- The gay community is hoping it's a production of "The Two Gentlemen From Verona". 

- This is the first time people with actually be able to see the actors Iambic Pentameters. 

*****

A new study out of Yale University shows that not having a lot of friends is as bad for your health as smoking. 

- A related study found that if you still smoke, chances are you don't have many friends. 

*****

Friends of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian say the two fight about Kim's busy schedule. 

- But Kanye says that Beyonce still has the busiest schedule of all time. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

In Albuquerque, New Mexico... teachers at an elementary school have been ordered to stop using the term "boys & girls" and to make their classrooms "gender neutral". 

- The kids are really going to enjoy reading "Curious George Goes To The Breast Implant Surgeon". 

*****

There's a new dating App called NudistFriends...where "Naturalists" looking for love post naked pictures of themselves and wait for a response. 

- And you thought the profile pics were fake on Match.com.

*****

The FBI has uncovered almost 15 thousand new emails showing that Foreign donors to the Clinton Foundation got special access to Hillary Clinton in what is being called the "Pay for Play" scandal. 

- And I remember Disc Jockey's who lost their jobs for taking 5 bucks to play songs like "Dance Monkey" by Herb & The High Notes. 

- Look for the FBI to take immediate action...and by "immediate" they mean mid-November. 

*****

President Obama is set to head to flood ravaged Louisiana today after wrapping up his Golfing vacation on Martha's Vineyard... but critics say his visit comes a little too late. 

- The White House says he would have cut his vacation short to address the disaster... but he's not running for re-election. 

*****

Four major sponsors... including Speedo and Ralph Lauren...have cancelled their endorsement deals with Ryan Lochte after the "Robbery in Rio" debacle. 

- I'll bet his head is swimming. 

*****

The Girls Scouts of America are adding a new cookie - "S'Mores" to their line-up. 

- A lot of people worry about gaining weight during Girl Scout season... which is why I only eat the Thin Mints. 

*****

A teacher in Texas announced that there will be no homework for students this year... saying there is no evidence that homework improves performance at school. 

- Which is exactly why I never did  mine. 

- The first bell hasn't even rung yet and the kids have already voted her "Teacher of the Year". 

******

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The 2016 Rio Olympic Games officially came to an end last night. The Top Medal totals were:  USA - 121. China - 70, Great Britain - 67...

- ... and Ryan Lochte - 0... As in chances of him getting anymore endorsement deals.)

*****

Speaking of the Olympics... a wrestling coach for Team Mongolia stripped down to his underwear in protest Sunday after losing the Bronze Medal to Uzbekistan. 

- He's one Mongolian who really had a Beef. 

*****

Speaking of beef... Kim Kardashian has admitted to getting butt injections. 

- Now her assets over a butt load of cash.  

*****

Lindsay Lohan has agreed to an interview on Russian State Television IF they meet her demands...including a private jet, lots of money, and a meeting and photos with Vladimir Putin.

- Lindsay's a lot like Putin... although she needs to throw back a few shots before she takes her shirt off. 

*****

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un said today that he'll use a nuke to turn Washington, D.C. into "a heap of ashes" if the US tries to stop his nuclear program.

- Well somebody's feeling pretty important in his new Middle School uniform!

*****

An FDA study suggests that pregnant women who take acetaminophen are more likely to have a hyperactive child. 

- So ladies, don't take Tylenol...Take Tylenol PM. 

*****

 A new mega-luxury apartment complex in Los Angeles is offering residents free on-site botox injections.

- This explains the Change of Address card I got in the Mail from Cher over the weekend. 

- It's actually a ploy to keep residents from looking shocked when they jack up their rent. 

*****

NOTE: Due to ongoing technical issues... we continue to be unable to put up a Podcast. We are attempting to fix the situation ASAP. I'd like to shoot my computer - or whatever it is that's causing the problem. Sorry!

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Uber is set to begin using driverless cars. 

- Hmmm... a drunk guy in the backseat and no one behind the wheel. What could go wrong?

*****

Hillary Clinton says that when it comes to tax reform, "It's time for the wealthiest to pay". 

- Looks like somebody is going to have to up her speaking fees to help cover what she's gonna owe the IRS. 

*****

Meanwhile Hillary said she'd create 10 million new jobs if she wins the Presidency. 

- And 9 million of those jobs will be "Email Deleters". 

*****

New questions today about whether or not Olympic Swimmer Ryan Lochte and several others were actually robbed at gunpoint in Rio. 

- If it's not true... they're the ONLY people who haven't been robbed at gunpoint in Rio. 

*****

Meanwhile... new reports out this morning say that a drunken Lochte and his friends destroyed a gas station bathroom and were actually confronted by an employee with a gun who demanded they pay for the damages. 

- If video backs up the story...it looks like the gas station guy is going to take the Gold in this one. 

*****

A new study revealed that the number one excuse Men use to cover up an affair is to say they're playing golf. 

- Hey... it worked for Tiger Woods. 

- The news has left a lot of ladies Teed off. 

*****

A man in Ohio was arrested for allegedly trying to have a romantic interlude with the grill of his Van. 

- I guess he missed the part where you're supposed to have a romantic interlude in the BACK of your Van. 

- This gives new meaning to "Love...It's What Makes a Subaru a Subaru". 

*****

The newest trend in celebrity spas is to get wrapped in a giant burrito shell that is supposed to help you sweat out toxins. 

- It's Nacho typical spa treatment. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Lion's fans will have something new to have with their beer during games this season: An apple filled donut with Lion's Blue frosting and sprinkles. It'll set you back 15 bucks and weighs 4 pounds. 

- The donut looks like something the Lions have been eating for the last 50 years which explains their record. 

*****

Donald Trump has shaken up his campaign...again...Adding two new people to top positions. 

- At this point, the only person in the campaign Donald hasn't replaced is himself. 

*****

New concerns about Hillary Clinton's health are swirling after a bunch of photos surfaced showing her being supported by pillows. 

- Usually when you hear "Pillows" and "Clinton" in the same sentence, it involves Bill.

*****

A video of Dick Van Dyke singing "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" in a Santa Monica Denny's is getting lots of views on the internet. 

- If you look closely, I think you can see Mary Tyler Moore in the background saying,"Ohhhhh Rob!!!"

*****

The Obama Administration announced that another 15 Guantanamo Bay inmates have been released from Gitmo and are on their way to the United Arab Emirates.

- From there, they'll catch a flight back to the U.S. 

*****

A study by BGR News found that a Pokemon named Abra is the hardest to catch in Pokemon Go. 

- A similar study found that STD's are the easiest thing to catch if you sleep with Madonna. 

*****

The Riviera Casino in Las Vegas was imploded Tuesday to make way for the new convention center. 

- By the end, there was nothing left but rubble... and an old lady with her hand on four different slot machines. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back Thursday!

-Dick

Olympic Gold Medals aren't worth as much as you might think. They're actually made of more than 95% scrap silver making each one worth just $587 dollars. 

- Which is exactly why I gave up training for the Men's Synchronized Swim Team.

*****

Republicans have released a two and half minute video which they say proves that Hillary Clinton perjured herself in her email investigation testimony. 

- The Obama Administration has vowed to investigate the claim... right after the election. 

*****

New video has gone viral of a diaper wearing monkey attacking an employee in a Walmart parking lot in Ohio. 

- There were actually 3 monkeys involved... a Mr. M. Nesmith, a Mr. P. Tork, and a Mr. M. Dolenz. 

- The monkey was mad because he thought the Greeter was wearing a nicer diaper. 

*****

A man will not face charges after riding his horse into a Taco Bell in Texas. 

- I think the real question here is why he didn't just go to the Ride-thru window? 

- The majority of Texans support the guy on the horse...according to a Gallop poll. (Bada boom!)

*****


Burger King has introduced a new half-burger-half-burrito called the "Whopperito" that packs 570 calories and 26 grams of fat.

- For those of you watching your weight... they're offering the "Whopperito Jr."

- I thought "Whopperito" was the name of the Cisco Kid's sidekick. 

*****


Singer Adele says she's turned down the NFL's offer to headline the 2017 Super Bowl Halftime Show... but the NFL says they never asked her to appear. 

- Hello? 

*****

Panda Express says their restaurants will soon be offering "The Chork", which is half chopstick and half fork. 

- I thought "The Chork" was a new dance craze started by Miley Cyrus. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Phase One of the massive construction project on I-75 began this morning affecting 17 miles of the freeway. The final phase of the project is set to begin in 2030. 

- Happy Monday! 

- Commuters stuck in traffic have renamed the freeway Why-75???

*****

Donald Trump will lay out his plans to defeat ISIS in a foreign policy speech today. 

- The speech is expected to get huge ratings... especially among the leaders of ISIS. 

*****

Bill Clinton told a rally that FBI director James Comey served the American people "a load of Bull" about Hillary and her emails and let her skate. 

- Apparently Bill thinks Comey should have sent her to the slammer. 

*****

Starting today, the entire MSU campus is "Tobacco Free". 

- So if you want to light something up... it's gonna have to be an old couch in Cedar Village. 

*****

Former NYC Congressman, and husband of Hillary Clinton's top aide, Anthony Weiner has been caught Sexting AGAIN... This time "Carlos Danger" texted a college girl calling himself "Deceptively strong...like a mongoose". But it turns out the "girl" was actually a guy. 

- In other words, he sexted Caitlyn Jenner. 

- Why didn't think of that mongoose line when I was in college???

*****

After an astounding 23 Gold Medal career, Micheal Phelps is leaving the swimming pool to focus on his 3-month-old son Boomer. 

- He's the first kid to be both a Millennial and a Baby Boomer at the same time. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

2 Comments

Michael Phelps will go for his record breaking 20th Gold Medal at the Olympics in Rio tonight. 

- That's more than anyone in history - except Kim Jong Un who claims he's won 21. 

*****

Donald Trump's Economic speech was interrupted 17 times as 16 female and one male protestors were escorted from the building. 

- I had no idea Ted Cruz was in town. 

*****

In his speech, Donald Trump called Hillary Clinton the "Candidate of the Past". 

- Hillary told supporters, "Don't worry... I deleted the past". 

*****

President Obama played his 300th round of golf as President yesterday. 

- Every single drive hooked far to the left.

*****

The attorney for the infamous Mexican Drug Kingpin "El Chapo" claims his client is so stressed by being in prison that he's going bald. 

- It's so bad, Prison Guards are calling him "El Rogaine-O". 

*****

A British study found that being overweight makes your brain look 10 years older than a skinnier person's brain. 

- The good news is there's an anti-aging cream for that. The bad news is, it's really hard to rub it onto your brain.  

*****

Angelina Jolie announced that she won't be teaching a class at Georgetown University after all.

- This is a real blow to students who signed up for her class so they could be adopted by her. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick  

 

2 Comments

Delta Airlines has begun very limited flight service after an overnight computer crash caused them to cancel all flights worldwide.

- However, Donald Trump, who is in Detroit today for a major economic speech has offered to fly anyone out on Trump Air... in exchange for a vote. 

*****

Hillary Clinton accidentally referred to The Donald as her "husband" during a rally over the weekend. 

- It's easy to confuse two old guys who have a thing for younger women. 

*****

Leonardo DiCaprio is being mocked online for a series of photos that fans say show him sporting an overweight "Dad Bod". 

- Hey... it's hard to eat healthy when you spend all your time flying around the world on a gas-guzzling private jet to give speeches on Global Warming.

- Apparently somebody hit the Midnight Buffet pretty hard before the Titanic hit that iceberg.

*****

A new study has determined which state has the Worst Drivers in the country...and the winner is: Florida. 

- To celebrate being #1, Floridians will drive around today with their left turn signal on. Just like every other day. 

*****

The Playboy Mansion is back on the market after a $110 million deal fell apart. 

- Apparently the Home Inspector said the place was overrun by Rabbits. 

- And Hugh Hefner is no longer up to Code. 

- On a happy note... there were dozens of viruses in the Mansion, but no Zika!

*****

An elderly woman in Alaska took her deceased 78 year old husband on a days long road trip - he was in a casket in the back of her pick up truck. 

- She says she just wanted him to finally understand how easy it is to get around when you actually stop and ask for directions. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #201

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #201. In honor of the Dog Days of August, Jackie and I sit down around the Purtan Dining Room Table to discuss a rather "hot" topic: The difference between Deodorant & Anti-Perspirant - and when is the right (and left) time to use each of them. (The answer might surprise you). Plus... "Memories". They may light the corners of your mind...but are they accurate? Or do we modify them and why? 

So take a break from that Lemonade Stand you're running and tune in to Podcast #201. It's so cool you won't need ice cubes. 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

1 Comment

A bombshell report revealed that President Obama sent $400 Million in cash to Iran in an unmarked plane that landed at the exact same time that Iran released 4 Americans who had been held hostage. The White House claims it was not "Ransom" money. 

- Say what you will about Trump, but he would never send Anyone Anything on an Unmarked Plane. 

*****

Wednesday, the Supreme Court ruled that a Virginia school board can block a transgender boy (who was born a girl) from using the boys restroom when school starts next month.

- But girls having been using the boys room for years... Think: Pine Knob. 

*****

Clint Eastwood called out Americans for being too sensitive,  & too "PC" and says that he thinks Donald Trump is "on to something". 

- As opposed to Bernie Sanders who was ON Something. 

- Few people heard Clint's comments since he gave them during an interview with an empty chair. 

*****

Today is National White Wine Day.

- Can you say that these days???

- Look for tweets with the hashtag: #WineTooWhite

*****

For the first time in US history, bottled water has replaced soda pop as the best selling bottled drink. 

- That may be true, but my ex brother-in-law Joe still insists you can't beat Whiskey and Mountain Dew!!!

*****

Reports say 12,000 "Sex Workers" in Rio are hoping to strike Gold at the Olympics by "making big money and meeting men from around the world". 

- Apparently Zika isn't the only virus running rampant in Rio. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

1 Comment

Donald Trump is being mocked for Tweeting a picture that shows him eating KFC with a knife and  fork. 

- The way things are going for him lately, KFC stands for Kentucky Fried Crow.

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Vice President Joe Biden officiated a same-sex wedding for two White House staffers on Tuesday. 

- Biden performed the ceremony...and President Obama gave away the country. 

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People on Twitter are using the hashtag #DemocraticWarMovies and posting movie titles that sound like a Clinton Scandal. 

- Among them: "Debbie Wasserman Schultz Does Dallas", "Ben Hur-Ghazi" & for Bill, "I Know Who You Did Last Summer". 

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A new study by the AP found that a there is no actual proof that flossing provides any benefit to your mouth. 

- A spokesman for Dentists said that the people who did the study were "missing more than a few Wisdom Teeth". 

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Floridians who believe they may have the Zika virus are being urged to refrain from having sex. 

- So guys, don't be surprised if your wife says "Not tonight honey, I've got the Zika virus".

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The widow of a Saudi billionaire skipped her husband's funeral so she could party on the Riviera. 

- She's lucky he's dead... if he was alive, he'd kill her. 

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A dog in West Virginia put it's owners parked car in Drive and crashed it into a Walmart. 

- Yup... It was a Range Rover. 

- How many of you could Spot that one coming? 

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America's Olympic Swimmers are being warned not to stick their heads in the water in Rio because it's contaminated. 

- Huh???

- This is gonna make it really tough for the underwater synchronized swim team. 

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The iconic Mickey Mouse Watch was unveiled by Disney on this day in 1933. 

- It's still worn today by two famous people: Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. 

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Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Cedar Point announced that they are tearing down The Mean Streak Roller Coaster to make room for something new. 

- So if you want to ride The Mean Streak...you're gonna have to follow the Presidential Campaigns. 

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McDonald's has removed all artificial ingredients from their Chicken McNuggets. 

- Pundits say the controversial move may cost Mayor McCheese the election in November to his rival, Phil A. O'Fish.

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Juan Assange says he's got a lot more emails regarding Hillary Clinton and will be releasing them in batches on Wikileaks. 

- Hillary's campaign is calling the "leaks" Intentional Email Incontinence. 

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A study published in the Pediatrics Journal found that trampoline injuries are on the rise in the U.S. 

- But it's only a temporary increase... known as the Political Convention Bounce. 

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Texas passed a law that will allow college students to carry guns to class. 

- When I went to Syracuse, the "Open Carry" policy meant we could bring Cliff Notes to English Lit. 

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A 60 year old Afghan Cleric was arrested for marrying a 6 year old girl.

- But not before they had a fabulous Destination Wedding at the Magic Kingdom. 

- They say opposites attract... She plays Pokemon Go and He plays Pokemon CAN'T Go. 

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Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick