Saturday, a sky diver in Los Angeles jumped 25,000 feet without a parachute and landed safely in a net. 

- I thought the guy was a real daredevil until I heard about the net part. 

- For his next death defying stunt, he'll sleep with Madonna. 

*****

Hillary Clinton told Fox News the cornerstone of her administration will be Domestic issues. 

- Apparently Bill has switched from interns to the hired help. 

*****

The New York Post released nude photos of Melania Trump that were taken for a French magazine in 1995. 

- Her approval rating immediately shot up in the polls. 

- In a related story "Socialist Daily" released nude photos of Bernie Sanders taken at a Minimum Wage rally.

*****

Pope Francis spent a few days touring Poland where he told millennials not to be couch potatoes and to get up and do something with their lives. 

- I'm hoping he'll come to the states and give the same speech to my ex-brother-in-law, Joe. 

*****

Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James order 16 toppings on his pizza Saturday night. 

- Wow... they even keep stats on his dinner orders. 

*****

Scott Baio is involved in a heated Twitter war with actress Rose McGowan. 

- Apparently Scott is still riding his Trump bump from the RNC. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

The infamous TV psychic Miss Cleo has died at the age of 53. 

- This means Donald Trump is now looking for a new Foreign Policy Advisor. 

- Mourners will be charged $9.99 a minute to attend the viewing. 

*****

Donald Trump is still taking heat from Democrats for what his camp called a sarcastic comment encouraging the Russians to find Hillary Clinton's missing emails. 

- The Dems think Trump is a big fan of "Vlad Putin and Putin's People". 

*****

Tuesday night, Bill Clinton gave an impassioned speech at the DNC that detailed his 40 year romance with Hillary.

- Critics are saying that just like "The Notebook"... it was a tear-jerker and largely fictional. 

*****

A CNN Poll shows Donald Trump with a 5 point lead over Hillary Clinton. 

- Trump got the Scott Baio bump. 

*****

Bernie Sanders has officially left the Democratic Party and will return to the Senate as an Independent. 

- I didn't think he was ever IN the Democratic Party. 

*****

A new poll found that 48% of likely voters don't know enough about Trump's VP pick, Mike Pence, to have an opinion of him. 

- And that's about as American as it gets. 

*****

A giant Rubber Duck has gone missing from a pond in New Jersey.

- Police are looking for two suspects... Bert and Ernie. 

*****

A 68 year old man in Missouri has been charged with sexually harassing a cow. 

- The incident happened at a Heavy Petting Zoo. 

- This is what happens when a Farmer gets his delivery of mail-order Viagra. 

- So the Cow has a real beef with this guy. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Bernie Sanders told his supporters at the DNC that "Hillary Clinton must be the next President of the United States". 

- Apparently the only Bernie supporter who's giving up on the "Revolution" is Bernie. 

*****

Susan Sarandon says that the DNC campaign to sabotage Bernie was "disgusting" and that Hillary is more dangerous than Donald Trump. 

- So look for Susan to be starring in absolutely No movies coming to a theater near you.

*****

A British study found that Fish are susceptible to getting arthritis. 

- Luckily, they can reduce the inflammation by taking a Fish Oil pill. 

*****

Starbucks is expanding the dress code for Baristas... who will now be allowed to wear items including skinny jeans, dresses and Fedoras, and are being encouraged to dye their hair to "express themselves". 

-  I miss Sanka. 

*****

A man in Washington state led police on an hour long high speed chase...because he "was bored". 

- He was going to play Pokemon Go but thought a high speed chase would be less dangerous. 

*****

Police rushed to Lindsay Lohan's apartment after she claimed her fiancé tried to strangle her during a fight over the weekend. 

- He claims Linsday is the one who flipped out when he came back from the store with Pepsi instead of the Coke she'd asked for. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Wikileaks published 20,000 emails that detail how the Democratic Party - led by Hillary Clinton friend Debbie Wasserman Schultz - intentionally sabotaged Bernie Sanders campaign. So Schultz has been asked to step down. 

- You'd think if Emails were gonna sabotage anyone's campaign, it would be Hillary's.

*****

On Sunday night's "60 Minutes" Hillary Clinton said the media is very hard on her and that there seems to be two standards: "The Hillary Standard and the Standard for everybody else". 

- She figured that out when the FBI decided not to charge her. 

*****

President Obama's Kenyan half-brother Malik says he's voting for Donald Trump because "he speaks from the heart and Hillary can't be trusted". 

- Guess who's not getting invited to Thanksgiving dinner at Barack and Michelle's this year? 

*****

California police say Dennis Rodman is the lead suspect in an unsolved hit and run accident. 

- Witnesses said they saw "A really tall guy in a wedding dress" fleeing the scene... with a chubby North Korean man in a booster seat in the back. 

*****

Dictionary.com has added the term "mom jeans" to it's list of words and phrases, defining them as "unstylish women's jeans". 

- As soon as she heard they were "unstylish", Caitlyn Jenner stopped wearing them. 

*****

A 65-year-old Russian man set a record by flying solo around the world in just 11 days in a hot air balloon. 

- That's just slightly longer than it takes to get from Detroit to Chicago if you book a flight on Southwest.

*****

A new toilet-themed cafe has opened in Indonesia where customers sit on toilets and dine on meatballs floating in soup-filled latrines. 

- If you want to get your waitresses attention you just leave the seat up. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Ted Cruz didn't endorse Donald Trump last night during his speech at the RNC and was booed off the stage by the Convention delegates. The Donald had read a copy of the speech ahead of time and let Ted go ahead with it. 

- Obviously he should have put Ted on "Cruz Control". 

*****

Melania Trump is now being accused of stealing lyrics from Rick Astley's hit "Never Gonna Give You Up". Mrs. Trump said Donald "will never, ever, give up. And, most importantly, he will never, ever, let you down," with Astley singing, "never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down." 

- It's not just the Republicans... a leaked copy of Bill Clinton's speech at the upcoming DNC includes Rod Stewart's lyrics "If you want my body, and you think I'm sexy... C'mon sugar let me know!"

*****

Meanwhile Democratic strategist James Carville told CNN that someone may have sabotaged Melania and slipped in Michelle Obama's message on purpose. 

- I don't buy it... Hillary isn't known for inserting messages, she's known for deleting them. 

*****

Despite his denials, numerous media sources are reporting that Macauley Culkin has a six-thousand dollar a month Heroin habit.

- Pay attention parents... this is what can happen when you leave your kid Home Alone. 

*****

Pokemon Go players ow have their own app called PokeDates which matches up players with similar interests at nearby locations. 

- Beware ladies: Some of the guys don't want a real date, they just want to get a Pikachu. 

*****

"Happy Days" creator Garry Marshall has passed away at the age of 81. 

Just like the show... Garry finally "Jumped the Shark". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

The Donald's wife Melania is taking heat for using several phrases in her speech at the RNC that were similar to ones that Michelle Obama used in her speech back in 2008 - part of which Michelle was accused of plagiarizing herself.   

- A woman noticed the similarities... all the men were too busy picturing Melania in a bikini. 

- Even Thomas Jefferson plagiarized. He stole the word "Liberty" from a Car Insurance Company. 

*****

Mercedes has unveiled a self-driving bus. 

- It's just like self-driving cars...but the crashes are bigger. 

*****

Fox is reportedly developing a TV series about the X-Men. 

- I thought Caitlyn Jenner already had a show called the Ex-Man. 

*****

72 year old Mick Jagger is about to become a father for the eighth time. 

- At least it's the eighth time that he knows of. 

- Mick already has 5 Grandchildren and 1 Great Grandchild and now another baby! His Ancestry.com page isn't a tree, it's more like a Roundabout during Rush Hour. 

- With all of those kids he spends most of his time yelling "Hey! Hey! You! You! Get Offa My Lawn!"

*****

The NFL plans to insert data chips into game balls to monitor how close field goals come to hitting the uprights.

- In a related story, next season, Tom Brady plans to insert the right amount of air into footballs. 

*****

An unidentified person close to Bill Cosby says that the America's former "Favorite Dad" is completely blind from a degenerative eye disease. 

- The worst part is he now has to fumble around trying to get the sedatives into his date's drink. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #200

Click here to download Podcast

Hard to believe, but today I'm posting our 200th Podcast! Somewhat of a milestone. Last night Jackie and I sat down at the Purtan Family Dining Room Table for a great conversation that lasted about 45 minutes. But unbeknownst to us, my fabulous (NOT) new computer only recorded 11 minutes of it and then crashed. Again. But I decided to put it up anyway... and the 34 minutes it didn't record were the BEST we've ever done... and since you'll never hear that part, you're gonna have to take my word for it. 

*****

And now... on with the news.

It's finally here... The Republican National Convention gets underway in Cleveland tonight. 

- There haven't been this many old white guys in that city since the Cleveland Clinic gave away free samples of Viagra. 

- Like all conventions, it'll be a circus... but Donald Trump says it'll be "The Make America Great-est Show on Earth!"

*****

Hillary Clinton's campaign says she won't be watching the Republican Convention. 

- Trump immediately tweeted "Liar! Liar! Pantsuit on Fire!"

*****

McDonald's announced that it will no longer allow customers to access Porn sites on their stores Wi-Fi. 

- So the only McNuggets your going to see are the ones on your tray. 

- Adult movie fans say their going to boycott what they call "The Not So Happy Meal". 

*****

A captured ISIS fighter says that every ISIS leader is a serial liar. 

- So they're not only terrorists...they're politicians. 

*****

A Facebook survey found that 45% of adults who use fb have played Pokemon Go. 

- The other 55% are too busy posting their political views. 

*****

A British study found that 70% of men are willing to have sex on the first date. 

- And the other 30% lied. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

A new study by AAA found that 80% of drivers in the US displayed Road Rage in the last year including honking, tailgating, and flipping off another driver.  

- And 70% of drivers admitted to doing all three of those during a recent freeway shutdown for repaving. 

*****

CNN mysteriously lost their feed of a reporter covering a Hillary Clinton speech yesterday just as the reporter began criticizing Her. The screen went black. 

- And you wonder how they got the nickname "Clinton News Network"?

*****

President Obama is taking heat for saying that it's easier for a teenager to get a gun than it is to get a book. 

- It's not that teens can't GET books... They just won't READ them. 

*****

A British study found that Dinosaurs made "adorable bird noises". 

- They broke the news in an adorable sounding Tweet. 

- I want to get hundreds of thousands of dollars to do a study that absolutely no one can disprove. 

*****

Lifestyle guru Martha Stewart says Millennials are "lazy, self-indulgent and lack the initiative to be successful" and that they are "living in their parents basements." 

- But she said they inspired a great new side dish: "Roasted Couch Potatoes served on a Lazy Susan". 

*****

An alligator at the Columbus Zoo in Ohio has died despite zookeepers' efforts to revive him with CPR. 

- As they say, "See Ya Later, Alligator". 

*****

Televangelist David Turner has purchased actor Tyler Perry's 34 thousand sq. ft. Atlanta mansion including a lighted tennis court, gym, infinity pool and theater for $17.5 million. He said God told him to buy the mansion. 

- He also said God asked people to keep sending in donations. Apparently somebody's electric bill just went up. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A survey in the New York Times found that more people in there 70's and 80's are having sex than ever before. 

- A lot of them are also going on romantic getaways to Viagra Falls. 

- Tattoo parlors say there's also been a giant increase in request for "Gramp Stamps".  

*****

The FBI has officially ended it's investigation into infamous skyjacker D.B. Cooper who infamously jumped out of a plane after stealing $200,000 from passengers 45 years ago. 

- That's almost as long as the Clinton email investigation. 

*****

Over 70,000 people attended last night's All Star Game in San Diego. 

- They were the only crowd on TV that wasn't burning something down.

*****

3 more female anchors have come forward to defend Fox News President Roger Ailes against sexual harassment charges. 

- So if you're keeping score at home, the score is now 6-6.

*****

Joy Behar says that a story circulating on the internet that she is leaving "The View" isn't true. 

- Damnit. 

***** 

A plastic surgeon in Ukraine is in hot water for taking selfies with his unconscious patients. 

- You should see what Dr. Huxtable is doing to his unconscious patients. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Wow. I was blown away by the incredible outpouring of good wishes on my Birthday yesterday! There were so many "Likes"... I now know how Kim Kardashian feels when she posts a naked selfie. Seriously, the messages, photographs, and memories that so many of you posted mean the world to me. I am a very lucky guy! I'd email each one of you individually... but my private server is in the shop being wiped clean. Again, thank you!!! 

*****

Newly released documents show that Bill Clinton has a long list of demands on his speaking tour, including being flown on a private jet. 

- And he will only accept his $100,000 speaking fee in gift cards to Hooters. 

*****

Six more women have come forward with sexual harassment allegations against Fox News President Roger Ailes. 

- After hearing the news, Bill Cosby sent out a tweet calling Ailes "an amateur". 

*****

A study by the Weather Channel predicts that in the next ten years it's possible that several States will get snow in July. 

- Looks like in the future I'll be getting a new pair of "Stoshes Galoshes" for my Birthday 

*****

Starbucks is giving a 5% raise to all of it's Baristas. 

- In other words... Starbucks customers will be paying 5% more for their coffee.  

*****

Bernie Sanders is finally throwing in the towel and is set to endorse Hillary Clinton at a rally this afternoon. 

- The towel is one he and his wife took from the hotel room they stayed in during their honeymoon in Moscow. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Happy Birthday Dad!

Hi... Jackie here. Well it's 7/11 and that can only mean two things: Free Slurpees at 7-Eleven and my Dad's Birthday! Last night, our whole family (all 21 of us) went out for dinner to celebrate the Greatest, Kindest, most Giving & Loving Husband, Dad and Grandpa ever!!!!!! The pic is of Dad, our beautiful Mom and all six of us girls. On behalf of all of us... HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!! We love you more than you can possibly know!!!

Purtan Podcast #199

Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #199... Pull up a chair at the Purtan Dining Room Table and join Jackie and me as we tackle topics including: 

- My upcoming Birthday - and the seating arrangements that I, as the Birthday Boy, have requested for the big family celebration. 

- Insomnia... and how to not lose sleep over it. 

- How modern technology led to a change in one of the Marines in the famous WWII Iwo Jima Flag Raising Photo. 

- The recent and sudden passing of the smartest, funniest man I have ever known. 

And...

- Remembrances of two people important in my Dad's "mysterious" life... Toots Dentino and Breezy Persant. 

So grab yourself a tall cold one (or a lukewarm short one if you prefer) and tune into Podcast #199. Unlike that can or bottle... you don't need to recycle us. 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday!

-Dick 

Former Fox News anchor Gretchen Carlson has filed a sexual harassment suit against the networks president Roger Ailes, claiming he fired her because she rebuffed his repeated sexual advances. 

- Ailes denied any wrong doing saying, "If I was gonna sexually harass anybody it would be Megyn Kelly".

*****

Michigan and Notre Dame are in talks to renew their football rivalry. 

- Let's hope they do... I just hope the Wolverines never renew their rivalry with Appalachian State.

*****

FBI Director James Comey is appearing before the Congressional Committee investigating how the FBI came to the conclusion of not indicting Hillary Clinton over the email scandal. 

- There hasn't been anybody in a seat this hot since Ted Bundy was offed in the electric chair. 

*****

Meanwhile the Clinton campaign has released a bunch of ads touting her innocence in the FBI investigation. 

- Even O.J. Simpson thinks she got away with murder. 

*****

A new study found that couples who split up household chores have 0.5 more sexual encounters per month than couples who don't share the workload. 

- Question: What is HALF a sexual encounter?

*****

The new CEO of Ashley Madison says he's "profoundly sorry" that the website exposed the names of cheaters. 

- He's not nearly as sorry as the guys whose names were on the list. 

*****

A study by the NeuroMed Institute found that pasta is NOT fattening. 

- The study was funded by The Olive Garden. 

- So when it comes to dieting... "The Penne Is Mightier Than The Swordfish".

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Scientists have developed a software program that can detect if a person is lying in written communications including everything from emails to credit card applications. 

- They got the idea by reading the profiles on Match.com. 

- The scientists say the program is much more effective at detecting lies than human beings are... Especially the FBI.

*****

Hundreds of people - sans clothing - are expected to celebrate "Nude Recreation Week" in Arizona this weekend which will culminate with a dance and karaoke. 

- Nervous singers will be encouraged to picture the audience in their underwear...which, to be honest, will be a big improvement. 

*****

Thieves in Detroit broke into a Beauty Supply store and made off with $50,000 worth of hair extensions. 

- Police say the suspects are "armed and suffering from male pattern baldness". 

*****

Rapper Snoop Dogg will headline the Democratic National Convention's "Unity Party' for donors in Philadelphia.  

- Hillary is reportedly furious, saying she's tired of people Snooping into her personal (and highly classified) business. 

*****

Starbucks has revealed that it will permanently increase the price of many of it's coffee concoctions starting July 12th. No word yet on which drinks will be effected. 

- Customers are all abuzz about the news... of course it could just be the caffeine. 

- Am I the only one who misses Sanka? 

*****

Two little girls in Ottawa, Canada - ages 5 and 7, were forced to close down their lemonade stand because they didn't have a permit. 

- When asked how they were doing, the girls said "not so good, eh, but thanks for aaaskin."

*****

A 510-foot-long, $100 million Noah's ark attraction is ready to open in Kentucky this week.

- Pets are allowed, but only if you bring them in pairs. 

- The company that built the ark say they've been Flooded with requests for tickets. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

The head of the FBI, James Comey, announced this morning that they are recommending to the Justice Department that Hillary Clinton NOT be indicted over the use of her personal server - but accused her of being "extremely careless" with classified information contained in her emails on that personal server.  

- Hillary immediately gave a shout out to the FBI... and only charged them $10,000 for the mention. 

*****

PBS is taking heat for broadcasting footage of last year's fireworks during last night's "LIVE" show, "A Capitol 4th". They claim it's because it was cloudy last night and the real fireworks didn't look that good. 

- To make it up to angry viewers, they're offering "The Best of Joan Baez" - a 2 CD Set - for a donation of just $400!

*****

25 people were taken to the hospital for intoxication at a Kenny Chesney concert in Pittsburgh.

- Only 25??? 

- There's a country song in there somewhere.

*****

A Neo-Nazi group held a "Miss Hitler" pageant in Scotland on Monday. 

- Despite having hundreds of contestants, not one of the girls was voted "Miss Congeniality".

- I had no idea women could Goose Step in high heels. Or as they called them, "Heil Heels". 

*****

Charlie Sheen has sold his Mulholland Estate for $5.4 Million. 

- He got 100 Grand for the house... and the rest for all the Cocaine on his coffee table. 

*****

A Colorado Mom is all over TV, complaining that the Boy Scout Camp her son attended was not only sponsored by Hooters, but "Hooters Girls" volunteered at the camp. 

- Guess who's not getting a "Best Mom In The World" coffee mug for Christmas this year? 

- Every Scout at the camp earned their First Aid Badge by attempting to perform CPR on one of the volunteers. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

From the Purtan Family to yours... Wishing you a happy and healthy Holiday Weekend! 

If you're anything like me, you'll be tossing Hot & Salmon Dogs on the grill! 

As all waiters and waitresses say... "Enjoy!" 

-Dick 

Jackie on her Birthday a few years ago...

Happy Birthday to Jackie! She is not only Daughter #2, but works with me on the blog everyday. Tonight Gail and I will take her, along with her son Charlie,  out to eat at her favorite restaurant... T.G.I.Thursdays!

*****

A naked person took over Times Square for an hour this morning, jumping up on a 16' tall platform, doing a chicken dance, and shouting "Donald Trump...Where Are You???" 

- Hillary will do anything to get media coverage these days. 

*****

Meanwhile, Hillary says she knows she needs to work on her trustworthiness. 

- And if we can't trust a self-admitted untrustworthy person to work on their trustworthiness, who can we trust?

*****

A study by the Journal of Female Health Sciences found that American women have the biggest breasts in the world. 

- And the second biggest breasts belong to the men at Cedar Point. 

*****

The University of North Carolina released a list of the newest "micro-aggressions" that can't be said on campus. For example, you can no longer say "Nice shoes" because it implies you value the person's looks over their intellectual contributions. 

- At this rate, it's apparent our college students aren't going to be making any "intellectual contributions" anytime soon. 

- What's next? You can't say "Go Team!" at sporting events because it implies the players are here illegally and need to be deported back to their hometowns? 

*****

News reports say Taylor Swift's new boyfriend Tom Hiddleston is only dating her to raise his profile so he can land the James Bond role. 

- Taylor will reportedly sing the theme song: "The Spy Who Loved Me... But Only For A Month And A Half Before Dumping Me Like Every Other Guy On The Planet". 

*****

BREAKING NEWS... Shocking new photos appear to show that Kim Kardashian is wearing butt pads. 

- Apparently we all thought her butt was a Whopper but it's really only a Whopper Jr. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A Quinnipiac Poll released today shows Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump in a statistical dead heat...and that voters don't believe that either of them would make a good President. 

- I still believe we should bring back Mr. Belvedere, the President of the Belvedere Construction Company, because as he always said, "We Do Good Work!" 

*****

74 year old Paul Simon says he's done making music, has no use for Show Biz, and admits that he now needs up to 15 hours of sleep a day. 

- And even with 15 hours worth of "Bed Head" his hair still looks better than Art Garfunkel's. 

- Simon says he might release 3 final singles... "Nursing-Homeward Bound", "The Sound of Silence When I Forget My Hearing Aids", and "I Am A Rock...With Kidney Stones". 

*****

Mike Huckabee's campaign has been forced to pay a $25,000 fine for their unauthorized use of "Eye of the Tiger."

- And Hillary was fined for using "Little Lies" by Fleetwood Mac.

- And Donald Trump has to pay Pink Floyd a million bucks for using the entire album "The Wall". 

*****

A Seattle man was arrested for scanning his penis at a self-checkout kiosk. 

- He should have just gone through the "10 Inches or Less" line. 

- He got a bar code off a sticker on a bunch of bananas. 

*****

A new Zika vaccine has proven to be 100% effective in mice. 

- When the news broke, tens of thousands of mice booked flights to Rio for the Olympics. 

*****

Caitlyn Jenner has denied reports that she'll undergo "Foot Reduction" surgery on her size 13 feet to shorten her toes and allow her to wear more ladylike high heels. 

- Caitlyn knows from her years as a Male athlete that sometimes you have to put up with The Agony of Da Feet.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

A 17-year-old Chinese Crested Chihuahua won the World's Ugliest Dog contest. 

- Owners of other ugly dogs were disappointed...but hey, Shitzu happens. 

*****

A man named Ronald McDonald was robbed outside a Sonic restaurant in North Carolina.

- The robbers made off with McDonald's watch, wallet, two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions... after shooting him in his sesame seed buns. 

*****

In a a new book, a former Secret Service Agent who worked for Bill and Hillary during the Clinton Administration claims Hillary is a "habitual liar" who terrified the White House staff by screaming at everyone. 

- Bill immediately responded saying, "That's my sweetheart!"

*****

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, who has lashed out about Donald Trump's "Wall" idea, is building a 10 foot tall wall around his vacation home in Hawaii to keep out intruders. 

- But in his defense, he didn't ask Mexico to pay for it. 

*****

With just over a month to go before the Olympics, the Mayor of Rio de Janeiro says the Olympics could be a "major disaster" and that there isn't even money to finish the public transportation to "incomplete venues". 

- Apparently the only way to get around Rio is to hitch a ride on a Zika-infected mosquito...or as they call it: "Zuber".  

***** 

Meanwhile Police responsible for security at the Games say they haven't been paid in months and have no toilet paper at the local precincts. 

- You know things are bad when "Charmin" tops the Police's "Most Wanted List". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

This morning, the  U.S. Supreme Court rejected former Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick’s appeal of a public corruption conviction, ending his bid to overturn a decision that sent him to prison for 28 years.

- On the bright side...it's a beautiful day for trading cigarettes for Ding Dongs in the prison yard!

*****

Grab onto your sparklers! At 9:48 tonight the skies over the Detroit River will light up with the annual Ford Fireworks. 

- A great place to watch the fireworks is inside the Windsor Tunnel... You don't get to see much of the show...but there's plenty of room to spread out your blanket.

*****

A Facebook study found that 54% of American users posted something about Brexit over the weekend. 

- And of the 54%, 50% thought "Brexit" was a new treatment for acne. 

*****

Elvis Presley's step brother has written a new book in which he claims the singer's death was a suicide. 

- A lot of people are questioning his theory... Apparently they have Suspicious Minds. 

- The thought of "The King" taking his own life has a lot of Elvis fans all shook up. 

*****

A former Secret Service agent has written a new book that claims Bill Clinton had multiple mistresses during his time in the White House. 

- This is the most shocking news since we all found out Liberace was gay. 

*****

A survey by the Travel Center found that 42% of Americans admit they've texted while driving during the past year. 

- This gives a whole new meaning to "My smartphone crashed". 

*****

Have a great day, enjoy the Fireworks and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick