Today, March 31st marks the 88th Birthday of Gordie Howe... The Greatest of them all!

*****

An attorney for the D.C. Madam says he has phone records that could upend the Presidential race. 

- Bernie Sanders is off the hook. The last time he hired a hooker, Miss Kitty fixed him up with a girl from the Long Branch Saloon. 

*****

A Minnesota company has invented a .38 caliber pistol that folds up to look like a smartphone. 

- This gives new meaning to "Shoot me a text" and "I'll just fire off an email". 

***** 

A video has gone viral of a 78 year old Ilinois grandma dead-lifting 225 pounds. 

- She says it's no big deal... she's been carrying 250 pounds of dead weight ever since her grandson flunked out of community college. 

*****

A man in China recently used over 3,000 Rubik's cubes to create a mural to propose to his girlfriend. 

- She didn't get it at first... in fact her boyfriend said she looked puzzled. 

*****

Susan Sarandon caused an uproar in Hollywood when she told an interviewer that she's unsure if she'd vote for Hillary or The Donald. 

- Btw... Look for Susan at theaters this summers. She'll be working the concession stand. 

*****

A new biography claims that Dustin Hoffman once slapped Meryl Streep on the set of "Kramer Vs. Kramer" to get her angry. 

- Truth be told, he slapped her because she wouldn't stop talking in a Czechoslovakian accent. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

RIP... Actress Patty Duke has died of sepsis at the age of 69.

*****

The FBI has dropped it's suit against Apple after an unnamed 3rd party managed to break into the San Bernadino terrorists iPhone. 

- The press tried to reach the genius who unlocked it for a comment, but he was at recess on the playground.  

*****

Donald Trump's campaign manager has been charged with assaulting a female reporter at a Florida rally by squeezing her arm. 

- Trump says his manager would never do that... because the woman was ugly. 

*****

A new study suggests that a person's posture can affect their success in online dating.

- So when you're going through those 20 year old photos of yourself to use as  your profile pic, make sure you find one where you're standing up straight. 

*****

Florida Governor Rick Scott is calling on Yale University to leave Connecticut and move to Florida. 

- Just what Florida needs...more Seniors. 

*****

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg says that the only way to fight ISIS is by "creating a world where everyone feels cared for and loved". 

- Sounds like a plan! 

- So I guess we're supposed to "Hug a Terrorist". I nominate Zuckerberg to go first. 

*****

A radio host in Florida is suing William Shatner for $170 million for denying that he is Captain Kirk's illegitimate son. 

- Shatner says the man is just trying to Kling-on to his fortune. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Donald Trump took time out from campaigning to visit his daughter Ivanka and his newborn Grandson Theodore James. 

- Or as The Donald calls him, "Cryin' Ted". 

*****

Sally Miller, the woman who for years has claimed she had a three year affair with Bill Clinton when he was the Governor of Arkansas, said in a new interview that Bill used to come to her house, dress up in her little black nightie and play the sax. 

- He did the same thing when he was dating Hillary, but he used to slip into her little black pant suit. 

*****

Starbucks is unveiling a new marketing campaign that urges customers to discuss the Presidential Election. 

- For example, they have new cups reading: "Caution: Hot! You Might Bern Yourself".

*****

A study by Leeds Beckett University found that some parents give potato chips and soft drinks to children as young as 5 months old. 

- And you thought the Gerber baby looked happy.

*****

Justin Bieber posted a naked picture of his rear end on Instagram.

- No word where he took the photo...but his butt is usually in jail. 

- Unlike Kim Kardashian, he didn't have to use the "Panoramic" setting to get both cheeks in. 

*****

Elton John is being sued for sexual harassment by one of his former male security guards, who claims Elton demanded that he drop his pants and prepare to "Meet Uncle Elton". 

- The security guy described "Uncle Elton" as more like "Little Jeannie".

- Elton couldn't bring himself to apologize, saying "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word". 

*****

Just days after President Obama finished up his historic visit to Cuba, Fidel Castro wrote an op-ed for a newspaper in which he slammed Obama. 

- Apparently he wasn't impressed by the "Cuban Cigar of the Month" membership Barack and Michelle gave him as a hospitality gift.

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

I hope you had a super Easter! Of all the colored eggs my favorite is definitely Orange - in honor of my Alma Mater Syracuse making it to the NCAA Final Four! 

*****

A report in the National Enquirer claims that Ted Cruz has been having affairs with 5 different women. 

- Bill Clinton immediately criticized Cruz...calling him "an amateur".

*****

Donald Trump is a grandfather again. His daughter Ivanka gave birth to her third child, Theodore James, Sunday afternoon. 

- At first he called the baby "Ugly"...but then realized it was a boy. 

*****

A single mother in Australia has married the sperm donor that contributed to the conception of her child. 

- She's even taking his name and will now be known as "Mrs. Donor #172". 

*****

A study by InfoPlease found that Americans consume enough jelly beans on Easter to circle the globe 3 times. 

- No one seems to know how many marshmallow chicks were eaten on Easter...in fact I haven't  heard a Peep. 

*****

President Obama used his Easter Address to assure Americans that he will stop at nothing to defeat ISIS. 

- And he'll get to that as soon as the NCAA tournament is over. Until then, we probably won't hear a Peep out of him. (Sorry for using the same punchline, but it only comes around once a year.)

*****

An American Airlines co-pilot will face a judge today after being arrested at Metro Airport for failing a breathalyzer test before flying the plane. 

- In addition to bail, the pilot will be forced to pay the airline for trying to board with too much emotional baggage. 

*****

A study by NASA found that it would cost $10 Billion to start human colonies on the moon. 

- But if it comes to that, or having your adult kids move into your basement, most people say they'd be willing to chip in for the colony. 

*****

Despite almost unanimous bad reviews by critics, "Batman Vs. Superman" took in a whopping $170 Million in it's opening weekend. 

- The critics were so embarrassed, they slipped into a phone booth and changed their minds. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #190

Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to Weekend and Podcast #190... In all honesty, I have to say of all 190 Podcasts we've done, this may be my favorite. Our main topic today: the sudden death of comedian Gary Shandling at the age of 66. 

We invited Tom Delisle back again this week because he and Gary were friends and were a comedy writing team during many of years Tom lived in LA.  Tom will explain their working relationship - and friendship - and how both came to an abrupt end when Tom gave an honest answer to a question asked by Gary during a phone call about two projected TV shows, one of which became the famous "Larry Sanders Show". 

He'll also explain why Gary didn't fear death - and in some ways looked forward to it - all due to a car accident he survived years ago. 

And I'll tell you about a comedy bit that I saw on TV back in the early 60's that actually caused me to fall off the couch laughing... and, well, I tell the rest of story in the Podcast. (It's something I never had the nerve to tell on the air during all my years on the radio.) 

So join us as we celebrate and also mourn the man who brought us so many laughs and broke the television mold with "The Larry Sanders Show", thus setting the standard for a whole new genre of shows like "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and "30 Rock" among others. 

RIP... Gary. 

Have a great Easter Weekend and I'll see you back here Monday! 

-Dick

President Obama is taking heat for sipping champagne and dancing the Tango in Argentina instead of calls for him to return to the U.S. in the wake of the Brussels terrorist attacks. 

- It's not the first time he's danced around an important issue. 

- Apparently he plans to keep waltzing around Latin America. 

- He's gonna be out of work next January...maybe he's hoping for a shot on "Dancing With The Former Presidents". 

*****

Some students at Emory University claim that they are "scared and in pain" after someone wrote "Trump 2016" in chalk around campus. The school's administration is providing counselors to help them deal with their trauma. 

- I'm sure the issue will be addressed during the Graduation speech by this year's Wimp-adictorian.

- I am "scared and in pain" thinking that these students are the future of our country. 

*****

Jeb Bush officially endorsed Ted Cruz for President yesterday. 

- So Jeb! likes Ted!

*****

Carnival Cruise Lines announced that, starting in May, they will begin making "cultural exchange" trips to Cuba. 

- It's prefect because Cubans are used to being stranded at sea with a broken engine and no working bathroom. 

*****

A British study revealed that moderate alcohol consumption is not linked to a longer life. 

- But if you drink a lot, you may have a lot of fun, but you won't remember any of it. 

*****

A Seattle man caused a police situation when he climbed an 80 foot sequoia tree and refused to come down for hours.

- To reference the previous story, the guy was obviously HIGH at the time. 

- Ironically, the guy in the tree was obviously out of his tree. 

- He usually just climbed the regular sized tree in his backyard, but decided to branch out. 

*****

Film critics are calling the new Batman vs. Superman movie a complete waste of time. 

- They should have gone with Batgirl vs. Lois Lane... Cat fight! Cat fight! Cat fight! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Tuesday, a group supporting Ted Cruz aired a TV ad showing a naked picture of Donald Trump's wife taken from an old shoot for GQ Magazine with the caption "Here is your next first lady". 

- Wow. I didn't think we were gonna see naked pictures of the First Lady until Kanye West wins in 2020. 

*****

Meanwhile "The Donald" put out a tweet warning Ted Cruz to stop harassing his wife, or he'd "spill the beans" on Cruz's wife Heidi who is an investment banker at Goldman Sachs. 

- So we can assume by spilling the beans Trump means Heidi supported Hillary Clinton in the past.  

*****

President Obama finished up his historic visit to Cuba yesterday. 

- To pay his respects to the Cuban people, he had a bunch of inflatable rafts attached to Air Force One and floated back to the U.S. 

*****

A McGill University study found that city birds are more evolved than country birds. 

- But both kinds still poop on your windshield as soon as you leave the car wash. 

*****

A New York Times poll found that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have the highest unfavorable ratings of any two Presidential front runners - ever. 

- Bernie Sanders said he hasn't seen this much negativity since William Howard Taft ran against William Jennings Bryan in 1908. 

*****

Paul McCartney is trying to reacquire the rights to the Beatles song catalog. 

- "Reacquire" is another term for "Get Back". 

- Paul says it's been a long and winding road, but he thinks he can do it with a little help from his friends. 

- He added that he's working on the project Eight Days a Week. 

*****

The winner of "Top Chef" was arrested in Texas for assaulting his girlfriend after a night of drinking. 

- Leave it to a chef to get sauced. 

*****

Federal Agents are looking for a flight attendant who left a 70-pound suitcase of cocaine at the Los Angeles International Airport. 

- Besides, she didn't pay the "Over 50 Pounds" baggage fee. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

In a speech Monday, Bill Clinton referred to the Obama presidency as the "awful legacy of the last eight years". 

- So apparently in addition to taking off his pants, Bill is capable of taking off the gloves. 

*****

CBS aired a focus group during the political program "Face The Nation" on Sunday that called Hillary Clinton the worst liar they've ever seen because she even lied about lying. 

- MSNBC's Brian Williams confirmed the focus groups' assessment, saying he was there each and every time Hillary lied. 

*****

A recent study revealed that 8 in 10 men have cried during an emotional television show. 

- And that doesn't even count Senator Rubio after Trump called him "Little Marco" during the debate. 

*****

An unnamed "Third Party" has stepped in and said they can create a way for the FBI to break into the iPhone of the San Bernadino terrorists. 

- Here's a tip for the FBI: Call my 14 year old grandson Charlie. He'll do it faster and a lot cheaper. 

*****

7-Eleven is now selling a Slurpee flavored donut. 

- Wouldn't a Donut flavored Slurpee be more refreshing? 

- Just when you thought the Kielbasa that's been on the roller for 16 hours was the unhealthiest thing at 7-Eleven. 

*****

Olivia Newton John's former boyfriend, who mysteriously disappeared off a boat 11 years ago has been spotted in Mexico with a new girlfriend. 

- Poor Olivia... She was hopelessly devoted to that guy. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Temps may only reach the low 40's today...but it's the first Monday of Spring!!! That means I can finally wear my black socks and sandals without getting funny looks from people! 

*****

It's National Common Courtesy Day...and in honor of that, AT&T has announced a list of ways to be courteous on your cell phone. One of the suggestions: Don't talk on your cell in public restrooms. 

- They also ask men not to stream videos while they're at the urinals. 

- Finally...a day without any Butt-dialing!

*****

Twitter turns 10 years old today. 

- I was going to get it a gift...but decided to wait until it's Tweet Sixteen. 

*****

Fox News issued a statement saying that Donald Trump has an extreme, sick obsession with Megyn Kelly. 

- My daughters claim that he actually has a "crush" on her and is showing his affection by taunting her like a school yard bully. Agree?

- Fox has decided to build a giant wall around Megyn to keep The Donald from sneaking in to see her. 

*****

Pope Francis officially posted his first Instagram photo on Saturday. 

- But unlike most Instagram users, he was fully robed in the pic. 

*****

The Mexican prison holding El Chapo has denied his request to use the "Conjugal Room". 

- So when it comes to women, he'll have to resort to what he's good at: Smuggling them in. 

*****

On this day in 1790 Thomas Jefferson reported to President George Washington as the first Secretary of State. 

- But what difference does it make??? 

- Jefferson immediately claimed that the Boston Massacre was caused by an Anti-American pencil drawing that was making the rounds. 

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #189

Click here to download Podcast

So Michigan State and Michigan have both been eliminated from the NCAA tournament. Talk about March Madness! Now what do you do? How about escaping into Podcast #189? In this go around, Jackie and I are joined once again by former "Purtan's Person" Tom DeLisle for a nail-biting, edge-of-your-seat game of words about topics that run from one end of the court to the other. When it comes to Podcasts...this one is a number one seed! (At least that's what the Vegas Oddsmakers say). 

Have a great weekend and I'll go through hoops to be back here Monday with my regular blog...

-Dick

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

It's St. Patrick's Day... a day set aside to honor St. Patrick by wearing funny hats, drinking green beer, eating corned beef and cabbage and listening to songs about Green Alligators and Long-Necked Geese. 

And in the words of "Patty O'Furniture", who called my radio show every March 17th for years... "May Someone Else's Wind Always Be At Your Back".

*****

Madonna, who recently ranted on stage for 15 minutes about losing custody of her son, denied being drunk at the time. 

- Yes, and the Pope is a Protestant. 

- To prove it, she's releasing a new song: "Like a Virgin... Pina Colada". 

*****

The Windsor Tunnel is getting a new roof starting in August. The old roof has been up there since the 1920's!!!

- So think of that the next time you drive through the tunnel before work begins. 

*****

A worldwide survey named Denmark as the happiest place in the world. 

- I would have picked the U.S. ever since we found out Richard Simmons is okay. 

*****

Federal Agents arrested Ryan Collins, the hacker who released hundreds of female celebrities' nude photos online last year. 

- Ironically, his mug shot didn't get a single "Like". 

*****

The suspect in the Kalamazoo shootings is suing Uber for $10 Million, claiming the Uber App "controlled his mind and actions". 

- I'm sure he won't win the lawsuit, but he's a cinch to win the "Height of Audacity" award. 

*****

Have a great O'Thursday... and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford have announced that they're making another "Indiana Jones" movie. 

- It will be called: "Indiana Jones & The Bottle of Ensure". 

*****

Marco Rubio has suspended his campaign after losing his home state of Florida to Donald Trump in yesterday's Florida Primary. 

- But he'll stay involved in the Presidential Race...working as Donald Trump's pool boy under the name "Little Marco". 

*****

Wallethub is reporting that Hillary Clinton's supporters have the worst credit scores of all the candidates. 

- Meanwhile Hillary has the Best credit score because of the millions in cash she earned giving speeches to her debt-ridden supporters. 

*****

Amazon has filed a patent for an App that would allow people to make purchases with a Selfie. 

- This is good news for Kim Kardashian who can now use naked selfies to buy herself some clothes. 

*****

Dallas Seavy has won the Iditarod Dog Sled Race for the third year in a row and fourth time in five years. 

- He must own the only dogs in history that don't run around in circles when they have to go to the bathroom. 

*****

Kim Jong Un announced that North Korea is going to test a nuclear warhead this weekend. 

- His relatives are making bets on which one of them it's going to land on. 

*****

The Government of Thailand has put the country's Buddist Monks on a Diet and Fitness regime, claiming 50% are obese and many suffer from high cholesterol and have high blood pressure. 

- Instead of rubbing Budda's belly, they want people to rub Budda's six-pack abs. 

- They got the idea when they saw that Marie Osmond had lost 50 pounds on Nutri-System! 

*****

On this day in 1994 Tonya Harding pled guilty for having Nancy Kerrigan whacked on the knee. 

- Speaking of wacky... On this day in 1987 Princess Di complemented Boy George on his choice of attire. 

- Speaking of wacky, again... Jerry Lewis is 90 today. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

It's a big day today... Super Tuesday 2, The Ides of March, the day the Swallows return to Capistrano, and perhaps most importantly, the day hundreds of buzzards return to Hinkley, Ohio. 

- Ohio Governor and GOP Presidential hopeful John Kasich is holding a last minute Get-Out-The-Buzzard vote later this afternoon. 

*****

The famous saying "Beward The Ides of March" began as a reference to the assassination of Julius Caesar. 

- Now it's a warning that you may be attacked at a Donald Trump Rally. 

*****

- President Obama has narrowed his short list of Supreme Court Justice nominees to three. 

- But insiders say he may just issue an Executive Order that lets all the liberals on the Supreme Court vote twice. 

*****

A new study out of England says that most active seniors don't consider themselves "old" until there 85 - and one in ten don't believe they are "elderly" until they turn 90. 

- So Bernie Sanders run for the Presidency is apparently just a mid-life crisis. 

*****

A video has surfaced of a man relieving himself on Kellogg's products at their Memphis manufacturing plant. 

- His defense is that as a kid, his mother taught him to use Cheerios to practice his aim. 

- Rice Krispies will now be know for their "Snap, Crackle, & Pee". 

- Some people like their cereal crisp...some like it soggy. 

*****

Richard Simmons called the "Today Show" to dispel rumors that he's being held against his will by the house keeper. 

- I just thought he had so much sweat and grease on his legs he just slipped out of sight. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #188

Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #188... Today special guest, original "Purtan's Person" Tom DeLisle join us at the Purtan Family Dining Room Table for an off-the-top-of-the-head discussion of a plethora of topics. I'm sure you'll find it interesting!

- Dick

A new Gallup Poll says that Orlando is the best city to find a job. 

- Especially if you like to dress up in a costume and act Goofy. 

*****

The White House confirmed that President Obama is skipping Nancy Reagan's funeral to speak at a music festival in Texas. 

- Apparently when Nancy said "Just Say No" he thought it meant attending her funeral. 

- Ironically, one of the groups performing at the music festival is The Grateful Dead. 

- Obama skipped Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia's funeral too... it seems he's "conservative" when it comes to deciding who's funeral to attend. 

*****

Former President George W. Bush announced that he will not be endorsing a Republican Presidential candidate. 

- I guess it would make Thanksgiving Dinner with Jeb too uncomfortable. 

*****

Leaked documents from ISIS gave the names and even phone numbers of 22,000 "applicants" to join the Jihadist movement. There's even a spot to mark "suicide bomber" or "fighter".

- The suicide bombers get accepted immediately since there's no retirement plan to worry about. 

*****

A new study found that short men have less professional opportunities. 

- Especially in the NBA. 

*****

Dos Equis beer company has dumped their spokesman "The Most Interesting Man In The World". 

- They're going with Kim Jong Un instead. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Bernie Sanders pulled off a stunning upset...beating Hillary Clinton here in the Michigan primary. 

- Apparently whether it's Hot Fudge Cream Puffs  or Candidates... Michiganders love their Sanders. 

*****

While campaigning here in Michigan last Friday,  Hillary Clinton ate a restaurant and had the "Tweety Bird Special" which consists of chicken wings on a waffle. 

- Bernie Sanders said he wasn't surprised to hear "Hillary Clinton" and "waffle" in the same sentence.

*****

Former NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg has finally ruled out a run for the White House. 

- Aides say it was a hard decision, but "he took a Big Gulp and made the announcement". 

*****

North Korea claims it has invented miniature nuclear heads to fit on missiles. 

- If there's anyone who knows about "miniature" it's Kim Jong Un. 

*****

More than 25 states are being plagued by a strain of super lice that is immune to over-the-counter prescription treatments. 

- Doctors say they have no idea how this happened and are left scratching their heads. 

*****

A California woman led police on a high speed chase in a replica of the Scooby-Doo Van. 

- She would have gotten away with it too...if it hadn't been for those meddling kids! 

*****

RIP... Sir George Martin. The famed producer of The Fab Four - often referred to as "The Fifth Beatle" has passed away at the age of 90. 

And 

HR... (Happy Retirement) to Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson who has hung up his football jersey permanently at the age of 30. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

Ray Tomlinson, the inventor of email has died at the age of 74. 

- Friends say he was loved by all...except for the U.S. Postal Service. 

- If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have had the chance to send money to a super nice guy in Nigeria. 

*****

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders interrupted and criticized each other repeatedly during last nights Democrat debate in Flint. 

- It was basically like watching an old married couple waiting in line for a early bird dinner at Denny's. 

*****

Arnold Schwarzenegger has endorsed John Kasich for President calling him "a real life action hero". 

- But if Kasich doesn't pick up some more delegates he's going to end up Terminating his campaign. 

- The endorsement will help Kasich lock in the all important "Housekeepers Who Have Slept With Their Married Bosses" vote. 

*****

The big rumor in show biz is that Luke Skywalker will come out as gay in the next Star Wars movie. 

- This means he'll be joining the dark side every fall because he wouldn't be caught dead wearing white after Labor Day. 

- The movie is tentatively called: Star Wars: The Force Accessorizes! 

*****

North Korea has issued a new threat of a pre-emptive nuclear strike against the U.S. and South Korea. 

- Apparently Kim Jong Un has run out of relatives to execute. 

*****

A real life fight broke out at a Civil War reenactment at Gettysburg on Saturday. 

- Organizers were quick to Address the issue. 

- And in a case of history repeating itself, the Union actor won the fight with the Confederate guy. 

*****

Caitlyn Jenner slammed Hillary Clinton saying she cares only about herself and "doesn't care about women at all". 

- I remember back in 2004 when Bruce Jenner said Obama "doesn't care about men at all". 

*****

RIP... Nancy Reagan. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Because WE'RE Worth It!

"The Donald" and Hillary both scored big wins on Super Tuesday, making it look even more likely that the two will face off in the general election. 

- They aren't as different as you think, for example they each won 7 states, and at almost 70 years old they both use "Miss Clairol Stocks & Blonds #17". 

***** 

This morning, Marco Rubio said "The voters sent a strong message on Tuesday". 

- A few minutes later he added, "The voters sent a strong message on Tuesday". 

*****

The Rolling Stones announced that they will give an-open air concert in Cuba later this month. 

- They picked an outdoor venue so all of the people floating to America in their '57 Chevys can hear the music for free. 

*****

Scientists at a University in England have identified the first gene linked to graying hair in human beings.

- But men, if your wife asks you "Does this gene make my hair look gray?"...the correct answer is still "No!". 

*****

A new study of "Female Viagra" claims the pill may only result in six additional "sexual events" a year. 

- And if you refer to sex as an "event"...you definitely need to take that pill.

- So basically The Moment's Only Going To Be Right every two months. 

*****

Fox News host Bill O'Reilly lost custody of his kids in a unanimous court decision. 

- He's got a new book coming out called "Killing My Lawyer". 

*****

Miss Colombia, the woman who was accidentally named "Miss Universe" by Steve Harvey has landed a part in a Vin Diesel movie.

- No wait...I'm sorry...that's Miss Philippines. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

March 1, 2016

It's Super Tuesday! 

- The day Republicans decide which candidate hurls the best insults. 

- And on the Democrat side...it's the day voters decide which old white person best represents the "party of diversity". 

*****

Ted Cruz is now accusing Donald Trump of having ties to the Mafia. 

- Trump denies it...and offered to take Cruz out on a rowboat ride with his brother Fredo. 

*****

The family of actor Abe Vigoda, who died in January,  is furious that he was not included in Sunday night's "In Memoriam" montage at the Academy Awards.

- Apparently the Academy thought Abe had died years ago...just like the rest of us.  

*****

Jack Linquist, the first President of Disneyland, has died at the age of 88. 

- He died of a heart attack. Apparently even HE couldn't believe the prices they charge to get into the Magic Kingdom. 

- Donald Duck was set to delivery the eulogy, but was pulled when he refused to wear pants. 

- It started when he caught a cold from Sneezy, got very Sleepy, and five days later was pronounced dead by Doc. 

***** 

A Chinese man jumped off a bridge during rush hour traffic yesterday. 

- Some people take the whole "Leap Day" thing a little too seriously. 

*****

RIP... Character actor George Kennedy of "Naked Gun" and "Cool Hand Luke" fame. He died of natural causes at the age of 91. 

And Gil Hill...Longtime Detroit Cop, City Council President, and my co-star in Beverly Hills Cop III who passed away yesterday at the age of 84.  

*****

Have a "Super Tuesday" and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

A Million Reasons To Thank You!

I don't know where to begin to thank those of you who so generously donated to Friday's 29th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon! When we signed off at 10pm, the total amount raised was $1,008,086! And you not only "matched" Gail's and my $30,000 - you turned it into $90,000! 

Every penny of the million-plus raised Friday will go to feed more than 4200 men, women and children every day for the next 365 days, and shelter more than 500 people every night! Once again, I am astounded by the genuine caring and incredible generosity of the people in Metro-Detroit. We take care of our own! From the bottom of my heart...Thank You! 

*****

Chris Rock hosted last night's star-studded Academy Awards in Hollywood. 

- He was okay...but I just wish he'd taken a minute to address the #OscarsSoWhite issue! 

*****

One of the big upsets last night came when Sylvester Stallone lost the Best Supporting Actor statue to a little known British actor. 

- To his credit, Stallone didn't flinch. Then again with the amount of work he's had done...he can't move a single muscle on his face. 

*****

After enduring personal attacks from Donald Trump for weeks, Marco Rubio turned the tables at a rally saying that Trump is old, wears too much make-up and made a joke about him wetting his pants during a debate.  

- Well I don't know about the pants-wetting thing. 

***** 

81 year old Yoko Ono has been released from the hospital after a bout with the flu.

- The good news is she's feeling better...the bad news she's feeling well enough to record a new album. 

*****

Australia has legalized the use of Medical Marijuana. 

- So now if a Dingo eats your baby, it's also gonna snarf down all the Doritos and Twinkies you have in the kitchen. 

*****

Have a great day, again thanks, and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick