Temps may only reach the low 40's today...but it's the first Monday of Spring!!! That means I can finally wear my black socks and sandals without getting funny looks from people! 

*****

It's National Common Courtesy Day...and in honor of that, AT&T has announced a list of ways to be courteous on your cell phone. One of the suggestions: Don't talk on your cell in public restrooms. 

- They also ask men not to stream videos while they're at the urinals. 

- Finally...a day without any Butt-dialing!

*****

Twitter turns 10 years old today. 

- I was going to get it a gift...but decided to wait until it's Tweet Sixteen. 

*****

Fox News issued a statement saying that Donald Trump has an extreme, sick obsession with Megyn Kelly. 

- My daughters claim that he actually has a "crush" on her and is showing his affection by taunting her like a school yard bully. Agree?

- Fox has decided to build a giant wall around Megyn to keep The Donald from sneaking in to see her. 

*****

Pope Francis officially posted his first Instagram photo on Saturday. 

- But unlike most Instagram users, he was fully robed in the pic. 

*****

The Mexican prison holding El Chapo has denied his request to use the "Conjugal Room". 

- So when it comes to women, he'll have to resort to what he's good at: Smuggling them in. 

*****

On this day in 1790 Thomas Jefferson reported to President George Washington as the first Secretary of State. 

- But what difference does it make??? 

- Jefferson immediately claimed that the Boston Massacre was caused by an Anti-American pencil drawing that was making the rounds. 

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #189

Click here to download Podcast

So Michigan State and Michigan have both been eliminated from the NCAA tournament. Talk about March Madness! Now what do you do? How about escaping into Podcast #189? In this go around, Jackie and I are joined once again by former "Purtan's Person" Tom DeLisle for a nail-biting, edge-of-your-seat game of words about topics that run from one end of the court to the other. When it comes to Podcasts...this one is a number one seed! (At least that's what the Vegas Oddsmakers say). 

Have a great weekend and I'll go through hoops to be back here Monday with my regular blog...

-Dick

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

It's St. Patrick's Day... a day set aside to honor St. Patrick by wearing funny hats, drinking green beer, eating corned beef and cabbage and listening to songs about Green Alligators and Long-Necked Geese. 

And in the words of "Patty O'Furniture", who called my radio show every March 17th for years... "May Someone Else's Wind Always Be At Your Back".

*****

Madonna, who recently ranted on stage for 15 minutes about losing custody of her son, denied being drunk at the time. 

- Yes, and the Pope is a Protestant. 

- To prove it, she's releasing a new song: "Like a Virgin... Pina Colada". 

*****

The Windsor Tunnel is getting a new roof starting in August. The old roof has been up there since the 1920's!!!

- So think of that the next time you drive through the tunnel before work begins. 

*****

A worldwide survey named Denmark as the happiest place in the world. 

- I would have picked the U.S. ever since we found out Richard Simmons is okay. 

*****

Federal Agents arrested Ryan Collins, the hacker who released hundreds of female celebrities' nude photos online last year. 

- Ironically, his mug shot didn't get a single "Like". 

*****

The suspect in the Kalamazoo shootings is suing Uber for $10 Million, claiming the Uber App "controlled his mind and actions". 

- I'm sure he won't win the lawsuit, but he's a cinch to win the "Height of Audacity" award. 

*****

Have a great O'Thursday... and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford have announced that they're making another "Indiana Jones" movie. 

- It will be called: "Indiana Jones & The Bottle of Ensure". 

*****

Marco Rubio has suspended his campaign after losing his home state of Florida to Donald Trump in yesterday's Florida Primary. 

- But he'll stay involved in the Presidential Race...working as Donald Trump's pool boy under the name "Little Marco". 

*****

Wallethub is reporting that Hillary Clinton's supporters have the worst credit scores of all the candidates. 

- Meanwhile Hillary has the Best credit score because of the millions in cash she earned giving speeches to her debt-ridden supporters. 

*****

Amazon has filed a patent for an App that would allow people to make purchases with a Selfie. 

- This is good news for Kim Kardashian who can now use naked selfies to buy herself some clothes. 

*****

Dallas Seavy has won the Iditarod Dog Sled Race for the third year in a row and fourth time in five years. 

- He must own the only dogs in history that don't run around in circles when they have to go to the bathroom. 

*****

Kim Jong Un announced that North Korea is going to test a nuclear warhead this weekend. 

- His relatives are making bets on which one of them it's going to land on. 

*****

The Government of Thailand has put the country's Buddist Monks on a Diet and Fitness regime, claiming 50% are obese and many suffer from high cholesterol and have high blood pressure. 

- Instead of rubbing Budda's belly, they want people to rub Budda's six-pack abs. 

- They got the idea when they saw that Marie Osmond had lost 50 pounds on Nutri-System! 

*****

On this day in 1994 Tonya Harding pled guilty for having Nancy Kerrigan whacked on the knee. 

- Speaking of wacky... On this day in 1987 Princess Di complemented Boy George on his choice of attire. 

- Speaking of wacky, again... Jerry Lewis is 90 today. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

It's a big day today... Super Tuesday 2, The Ides of March, the day the Swallows return to Capistrano, and perhaps most importantly, the day hundreds of buzzards return to Hinkley, Ohio. 

- Ohio Governor and GOP Presidential hopeful John Kasich is holding a last minute Get-Out-The-Buzzard vote later this afternoon. 

*****

The famous saying "Beward The Ides of March" began as a reference to the assassination of Julius Caesar. 

- Now it's a warning that you may be attacked at a Donald Trump Rally. 

*****

- President Obama has narrowed his short list of Supreme Court Justice nominees to three. 

- But insiders say he may just issue an Executive Order that lets all the liberals on the Supreme Court vote twice. 

*****

A new study out of England says that most active seniors don't consider themselves "old" until there 85 - and one in ten don't believe they are "elderly" until they turn 90. 

- So Bernie Sanders run for the Presidency is apparently just a mid-life crisis. 

*****

A video has surfaced of a man relieving himself on Kellogg's products at their Memphis manufacturing plant. 

- His defense is that as a kid, his mother taught him to use Cheerios to practice his aim. 

- Rice Krispies will now be know for their "Snap, Crackle, & Pee". 

- Some people like their cereal crisp...some like it soggy. 

*****

Richard Simmons called the "Today Show" to dispel rumors that he's being held against his will by the house keeper. 

- I just thought he had so much sweat and grease on his legs he just slipped out of sight. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #188

Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #188... Today special guest, original "Purtan's Person" Tom DeLisle join us at the Purtan Family Dining Room Table for an off-the-top-of-the-head discussion of a plethora of topics. I'm sure you'll find it interesting!

- Dick

A new Gallup Poll says that Orlando is the best city to find a job. 

- Especially if you like to dress up in a costume and act Goofy. 

*****

The White House confirmed that President Obama is skipping Nancy Reagan's funeral to speak at a music festival in Texas. 

- Apparently when Nancy said "Just Say No" he thought it meant attending her funeral. 

- Ironically, one of the groups performing at the music festival is The Grateful Dead. 

- Obama skipped Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia's funeral too... it seems he's "conservative" when it comes to deciding who's funeral to attend. 

*****

Former President George W. Bush announced that he will not be endorsing a Republican Presidential candidate. 

- I guess it would make Thanksgiving Dinner with Jeb too uncomfortable. 

*****

Leaked documents from ISIS gave the names and even phone numbers of 22,000 "applicants" to join the Jihadist movement. There's even a spot to mark "suicide bomber" or "fighter".

- The suicide bombers get accepted immediately since there's no retirement plan to worry about. 

*****

A new study found that short men have less professional opportunities. 

- Especially in the NBA. 

*****

Dos Equis beer company has dumped their spokesman "The Most Interesting Man In The World". 

- They're going with Kim Jong Un instead. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Bernie Sanders pulled off a stunning upset...beating Hillary Clinton here in the Michigan primary. 

- Apparently whether it's Hot Fudge Cream Puffs  or Candidates... Michiganders love their Sanders. 

*****

While campaigning here in Michigan last Friday,  Hillary Clinton ate a restaurant and had the "Tweety Bird Special" which consists of chicken wings on a waffle. 

- Bernie Sanders said he wasn't surprised to hear "Hillary Clinton" and "waffle" in the same sentence.

*****

Former NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg has finally ruled out a run for the White House. 

- Aides say it was a hard decision, but "he took a Big Gulp and made the announcement". 

*****

North Korea claims it has invented miniature nuclear heads to fit on missiles. 

- If there's anyone who knows about "miniature" it's Kim Jong Un. 

*****

More than 25 states are being plagued by a strain of super lice that is immune to over-the-counter prescription treatments. 

- Doctors say they have no idea how this happened and are left scratching their heads. 

*****

A California woman led police on a high speed chase in a replica of the Scooby-Doo Van. 

- She would have gotten away with it too...if it hadn't been for those meddling kids! 

*****

RIP... Sir George Martin. The famed producer of The Fab Four - often referred to as "The Fifth Beatle" has passed away at the age of 90. 

And 

HR... (Happy Retirement) to Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson who has hung up his football jersey permanently at the age of 30. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

Ray Tomlinson, the inventor of email has died at the age of 74. 

- Friends say he was loved by all...except for the U.S. Postal Service. 

- If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have had the chance to send money to a super nice guy in Nigeria. 

*****

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders interrupted and criticized each other repeatedly during last nights Democrat debate in Flint. 

- It was basically like watching an old married couple waiting in line for a early bird dinner at Denny's. 

*****

Arnold Schwarzenegger has endorsed John Kasich for President calling him "a real life action hero". 

- But if Kasich doesn't pick up some more delegates he's going to end up Terminating his campaign. 

- The endorsement will help Kasich lock in the all important "Housekeepers Who Have Slept With Their Married Bosses" vote. 

*****

The big rumor in show biz is that Luke Skywalker will come out as gay in the next Star Wars movie. 

- This means he'll be joining the dark side every fall because he wouldn't be caught dead wearing white after Labor Day. 

- The movie is tentatively called: Star Wars: The Force Accessorizes! 

*****

North Korea has issued a new threat of a pre-emptive nuclear strike against the U.S. and South Korea. 

- Apparently Kim Jong Un has run out of relatives to execute. 

*****

A real life fight broke out at a Civil War reenactment at Gettysburg on Saturday. 

- Organizers were quick to Address the issue. 

- And in a case of history repeating itself, the Union actor won the fight with the Confederate guy. 

*****

Caitlyn Jenner slammed Hillary Clinton saying she cares only about herself and "doesn't care about women at all". 

- I remember back in 2004 when Bruce Jenner said Obama "doesn't care about men at all". 

*****

RIP... Nancy Reagan. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Because WE'RE Worth It!

"The Donald" and Hillary both scored big wins on Super Tuesday, making it look even more likely that the two will face off in the general election. 

- They aren't as different as you think, for example they each won 7 states, and at almost 70 years old they both use "Miss Clairol Stocks & Blonds #17". 

***** 

This morning, Marco Rubio said "The voters sent a strong message on Tuesday". 

- A few minutes later he added, "The voters sent a strong message on Tuesday". 

*****

The Rolling Stones announced that they will give an-open air concert in Cuba later this month. 

- They picked an outdoor venue so all of the people floating to America in their '57 Chevys can hear the music for free. 

*****

Scientists at a University in England have identified the first gene linked to graying hair in human beings.

- But men, if your wife asks you "Does this gene make my hair look gray?"...the correct answer is still "No!". 

*****

A new study of "Female Viagra" claims the pill may only result in six additional "sexual events" a year. 

- And if you refer to sex as an "event"...you definitely need to take that pill.

- So basically The Moment's Only Going To Be Right every two months. 

*****

Fox News host Bill O'Reilly lost custody of his kids in a unanimous court decision. 

- He's got a new book coming out called "Killing My Lawyer". 

*****

Miss Colombia, the woman who was accidentally named "Miss Universe" by Steve Harvey has landed a part in a Vin Diesel movie.

- No wait...I'm sorry...that's Miss Philippines. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

March 1, 2016

It's Super Tuesday! 

- The day Republicans decide which candidate hurls the best insults. 

- And on the Democrat side...it's the day voters decide which old white person best represents the "party of diversity". 

*****

Ted Cruz is now accusing Donald Trump of having ties to the Mafia. 

- Trump denies it...and offered to take Cruz out on a rowboat ride with his brother Fredo. 

*****

The family of actor Abe Vigoda, who died in January,  is furious that he was not included in Sunday night's "In Memoriam" montage at the Academy Awards.

- Apparently the Academy thought Abe had died years ago...just like the rest of us.  

*****

Jack Linquist, the first President of Disneyland, has died at the age of 88. 

- He died of a heart attack. Apparently even HE couldn't believe the prices they charge to get into the Magic Kingdom. 

- Donald Duck was set to delivery the eulogy, but was pulled when he refused to wear pants. 

- It started when he caught a cold from Sneezy, got very Sleepy, and five days later was pronounced dead by Doc. 

***** 

A Chinese man jumped off a bridge during rush hour traffic yesterday. 

- Some people take the whole "Leap Day" thing a little too seriously. 

*****

RIP... Character actor George Kennedy of "Naked Gun" and "Cool Hand Luke" fame. He died of natural causes at the age of 91. 

And Gil Hill...Longtime Detroit Cop, City Council President, and my co-star in Beverly Hills Cop III who passed away yesterday at the age of 84.  

*****

Have a "Super Tuesday" and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

A Million Reasons To Thank You!

I don't know where to begin to thank those of you who so generously donated to Friday's 29th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon! When we signed off at 10pm, the total amount raised was $1,008,086! And you not only "matched" Gail's and my $30,000 - you turned it into $90,000! 

Every penny of the million-plus raised Friday will go to feed more than 4200 men, women and children every day for the next 365 days, and shelter more than 500 people every night! Once again, I am astounded by the genuine caring and incredible generosity of the people in Metro-Detroit. We take care of our own! From the bottom of my heart...Thank You! 

*****

Chris Rock hosted last night's star-studded Academy Awards in Hollywood. 

- He was okay...but I just wish he'd taken a minute to address the #OscarsSoWhite issue! 

*****

One of the big upsets last night came when Sylvester Stallone lost the Best Supporting Actor statue to a little known British actor. 

- To his credit, Stallone didn't flinch. Then again with the amount of work he's had done...he can't move a single muscle on his face. 

*****

After enduring personal attacks from Donald Trump for weeks, Marco Rubio turned the tables at a rally saying that Trump is old, wears too much make-up and made a joke about him wetting his pants during a debate.  

- Well I don't know about the pants-wetting thing. 

***** 

81 year old Yoko Ono has been released from the hospital after a bout with the flu.

- The good news is she's feeling better...the bad news she's feeling well enough to record a new album. 

*****

Australia has legalized the use of Medical Marijuana. 

- So now if a Dingo eats your baby, it's also gonna snarf down all the Doritos and Twinkies you have in the kitchen. 

*****

Have a great day, again thanks, and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Today's The Day!

It's finally here! The 29th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon got underway at 6am and runs through 10pm tonight! You can donate now by calling 248-528-0760 or text PURTAN to 41444 to help turn Gail's and my $30,000 donation into $60,000! This is THE fundraiser for the Bed & Bread Program that feeds over 4200 people a day, 365 days a year and shelters more than 500 people every night! I'll be calling in throughout the day...and then will be hosting the final 3 hours from 7pm to 10pm with Big Al, Jackie & the rest of "Purtan's People" live from the Emagine Theater on Eleven Mile in Royal Oak. I hope you'll tune in to the broadcast on WJR am 760 and DONATE, or right now just text PURTAN to 41444 to donate in our "Match" and turn $30,000 into $60,000! Anything you can give will make a huge difference in the lives of so many of our fellow Metro-Detroiters! Thank you! 

-Dick  

A Picture Says A Thousand Words...

We are less than 24 hours away from the 29th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon! I've told you how absolutely vital the Bed & Bread Program is... feeding more than 4200 people a day - EVERY DAY - 365 days a year, and sheltering more than 500 men, women and children each and every night. Now I want you to see it in action. 

Yesterday, after appearing with my daughter JoAnne on Channel 7 Action News at Noon, I had the privilege of going out on one of the trucks to help feed some of those very real people. And, I don't have to tell you, it was not a day for anyone to be on the streets! But they were. As they always are. And they came in droves. Please scroll through the photos below... and then take out your smartphone, text PURTAN to 41444 and donate what you can. Gail and I are asking you to help "Match" our $30,000 donation and turn it into $60,000. There are thousands of men, women and children who will be grateful for whatever you can give. Thank you! 

-Dick

And don't forget to tune into the live broadcast of the Radiothon - tomorrow - Friday, Feb. 26, from 6am to 10pm on WJR am 760! I'll be hosting the 7pm to 10pm portion...along with "Purtan's People" and a whole host of "characters" from my radio show! 

As Winston Churchill said, “We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” 

Look, I know I've beaten you over the head with this...but it's for good reason! 48 hours from now the 29th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Radiothon will be in full swing... And today is a big day for me. First, I'll appear with my daughter JoAnne on Channel 7 Action News at Noon to talk about the Big Event. Next, I'll head over to the Salvation Army, jump on one of the Bed & Bread Trucks and hit the streets to serve a nourishing meal, along with hats, coats, mittens, & blankets to some of the almost 4200 men, women and children that the trucks serve every day, 365 days a year...not to mention sheltering over 500 people tonight, and every night. 

If there's ever been a day to remind you what it must be like to live on the streets, or in an abandoned building, just waiting for one of the Bed & Bread trucks to show up, it's today. Imagine having to huddle somewhere, trying to stay warm and avoid the ice-cold rain and snow - with hunger gnawing at your stomach and mind - awaiting the arrival of that truck and what may be the only meal you'll have that day. 

That is the reality for so many of our fellow Metro-Detroiters - including so many children! And that's why the Bed & Bread Program has been near and dear to my heart since we started the Radiothon 29 years ago. 

This year, Gail and I are donating $30,000 and we're asking you to help "Match" that amount and turn that $30,000 into $60,000. You don't have to wait until Friday... you can do it right now. Just pick up your smartphone, text PURTAN to 41444 and follow the prompts. A donation of $120 - that's just $10 a month - feeds 5 people for an entire month and gets you in the "Bed & Bread Club". And if you double that to $240 ($20/month) you'll feed 10 people for a month and you'll receive a special video about the Bed & Bread Program. It couldn't be easier and any amount you can give will be appreciated by Gail and me, the Salvation Army, and most importantly... the people you will be helping to feed and shelter through the Bed & Bread Program. 

The Radiothon itself takes place the day after tomorrow, Friday, February 26th from 6am to 10pm and will be broadcast live on WJR am 760. I will be hosting the 7pm to 10pm hours along with "Purtan's People". It's a great event for a great cause! I hope you'll tune it... but mostly I hope you'll donate - which you can do RIGHT NOW by texting PURTAN to 41444 on your smartphone and following the prompts. As I've said... it's fast, easy and any amount you can give will make a real difference in the lives of so many. 

Thanks for your support...and I'm headed out the door. See you on Channel 7 at noon - and then I'm off to ride on one of the Bed & Bread Trucks handing out food and warm clothing on this cold and snowy day! 

Stay warm, please donate and again, Thank You!  

All my best, 

-Dick

Bill Cosby's wife gave a 2 1/2 hour deposition Monday about the sexual assault charges against her husband, but evoked "spousal privilege" on most questions. 

- If she's like most of the women in Cosby's life, she doesn't remember anything anyway. 

*****

President Obama is expected to make a big announcement today - that he'll close the prison on Guantanamo Bay and move the 90 remaining prisoners to the U.S. 

- Donald Trump has already claimed that Obama plans to nominate one of the detainees to fill Justice Scalia's seat on the Supreme Court. 

*****

90 year old comedic actor Dick Van Dyke posted a video online endorsing Bernie Sanders, saying Sanders "May be the last voice we'll ever hear". 

- An emotional Van Dyke almost tripped over his words, then got up and tripped over an ottoman. 

- When Mary Tyler Moore saw the video she said "Oh Rob!" 

*****

Newly revealed records show that Adolf Hitler had a tiny deformed "manhood". 

- So it turns out that as far as maniacal mass-murders go, he wasn't the whole package.

- Hitler struggled with this his whole life, calling it "The Battle of the (Little) Bulge". 

*****

More and more people are trading in their expensive  & addictive Smartphones for the old "Dumbphones". 

- Proving once again, ladies and gentlemen...I am a trend setter! 

*****

On this day in 1836 the Siege of the Alamo began in San Antonio, Texas. 

- As a result, hundreds of tourists were forced to rent their cars from Hertz down the street. 

*****

The 29th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon is just four days away - THIS FRIDAY - February 26th. I can't stress enough just how important this program is! It feeds and shelters almost 5000 men, women & children in Metro-Detroit EVERY DAY, 365 DAYS A YEAR! For many... it's the only meal they get all day. This crucial program means so much to Gail and me, that this year we're donating $30,000 - and are asking you to donate what you can so we can turn that $30,000 into $60,000. Helping us meet this "Match" couldn't be easier! Just text PURTAN to 41444 on your smartphone and follow the prompts. You can do it right now! And don't forget to tune into the Radiothon this Friday - on WJR am 760 from 6am to 10pm. I will be hosting the 7pm to 10pm hours along with "Purtan's People". It will be a lot of fun for an extremely worthy cause! Thanks for your support! 

-Dick 

Have  great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday. 

Susan Sarandon says she's voting for Bernie Sanders because she doesn't vote with her, um, "lady parts". 

- But apparently she votes with her "socialist parts". 

*****

Jeb Bush has officially dropped out of the Presidential race after losing big to Donald Trump in Nevada on Saturday. Despite bringing his Mother in to campaign for him - who famously said a couple years ago "We've already had too many Bushes in the White House.  

- Proving once again...that you should always listen to your mother. 

*****

It's George Washington's Birthday... and if he were alive he'd be 274 years old. 

- Put another way, just slightly older than Bernie Sanders. 

*****

Pat Sajak had a laughing fit on Friday night's episode of "Wheel of Fortune" when a contestant thought Paris was a country. 

- She must have been confused when she saw Casablanca and thought Humphrey Bogart said "We'll Always Have France". 

*****

A new study warns that men who keep their cell phones in their pockets for just an hour a day are seriously damaging their reproductive parts, and even keeping your phone on your nightstand can be harmful. 

- Especially if your girlfriend goes through your phone and sees what you've been watching. 

***** 

A source close to the Kardashians says that despite her husband admitting he's $53 million in debt and claiming he's "more influential than Ghandi", Kim couldn't be prouder of Kanye. 

- She's standing behind her man... And that is one gigantic behind. 

*****

This Friday is the 29th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon...this is THE Fundraiser for this amazing program that feeds and shelters almost 5000 people A DAY. Gail and I are donating $30,000 and are asking you to donate what you can so we can turn that $30,000 into $60,000. You can do that right now by texting PURTAN to 41444 and following the prompts on your smartphone! It's quick, easy and so much appreciated! 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

The Dog Days of Winter

A German Shorthaired Pointer named CJ beat out 2700 rivals to win "Best In Show" at the 140th Annual Westminster Dog Show at Madison Square Garden last night. 

- CJ celebrated by running around in circles and rubbing his butt across the carpet. 

- I always get the a little embarrassed when the judge inspects the dogs Kibbles & Bits. 

*****

While we're on the subject... Hillary Clinton barked like a dog while making fun of Republicans at a Nevada rally. 

- She knows how hound dogs behave since she's spent so many years with Bill. 

*****

Apple says they will defy a court order to help the FBI break into the encrypted iPhone of the San Bernadino terrorists because the technology could then be used to hack into anyone's iPhone. 

- The FBI says they haven't had this much trouble getting into something since Hillary's email server. 

*****

Donald Trump says he's still skeptical of reports that Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia died of natural causes and hints that foul play was involved. 

- Trump has also demanded to see the death certificate and claims he died in Kenya, not Texas. 

*****

Meanwhile a Pew survey found that 32% of Americans have never heard of Justice Antonin Scalia. 

- And of those, 27% think "Antonin Scalia" is a new dish on the "Taste of Italy" menu at the Olive Garden. 

*****

Paul McCartney was refused entry into a celeb-filled party after the Grammy's Sunday night. 

- Paul said, "I don't know why you say Goodbye, I say Hello". 

- Two words: Yoko Ono. 

*****

A Spanish man who skipped work for six years was found out when his employer showed up to present him with an award for "20 Years of Service" to the company. 

- His boss took immediate action... and changed the award to read "14 Years of Service". 

- The guy should have just gone to work and spent the day surfing the net like everyone else.  

Don't forget... The Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon is less than two weeks away - on Friday the 26th, live on 760 am WJR from 6am to 10pm. This is the ONLY fundraiser for this critical program that feeds and shelters almost 5000 people every day, 365 days a year. This year, Gail and I are donating $30,000 and are asking you to contribute whatever you can so we can get a match and turn that $30,000 into $60,000! You can make your donation right now by texting PURTAN to 41444 on your smartphone and following the prompts. It's fast, easy and so appreciated! Thank you! 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Hello?

The producers of last night's Grammys admitted that several technical glitches made world famous singer Adele sound off key during her live performance. 

- But Kanye West jumped up on stage and claimed that Beyonce had the greatest technical-glitch off-key performance of all time. 

*****

While were on the subject... Kanye followed up his tweet the other day claiming to be over $50 Million in debt with another tweet - this one to Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg asking him to invest $1 Billion in his ideas. 

- Certainly sounds reasonable to me. 

- Apparently he's having trouble Keeping Up With The Kardashians. 

*****

Due to a cash crisis, ISIS is not only cutting Jihadist salaries, they just announced they are cutting back on terrorist "perks" including free energy drinks and Snickers Bars. (All made in America btw).

- No Snickers Bars? Those guys are gonna go ballistic! 

- You'd think ISIS would have plenty of cash since they don't have to pay anyone a pension.

*****

102 year old Maury Goosenberg and his 100 year old wife Helen were honored in California as America's longest married couple at 80 years, saying humor is the key to a long union. 

- Maury and Helen said they can't remember life without each other. Then again, they can barely remember what they had for breakfast.

*****

A Bill put forth in Kentucky would require men to get a signed permission slip from their wives before being allowed to fill a prescription for Viagra. 

- So basically, "The Moment Isn't Going To Be Right Unless Your Wife Says It Is". 

- Maury Goosenberg said he's glad he lives in California. 

*****

"Hookers for Hillary" held their first rally in Nevada yesterday. The group is comprised of "working girls" from the Moonlite Bunny Ranch Brothel. 

- Bill is introducing the girls to Hillary since he knows them all. 

*****

A Colorado State University study found that obese people see distances as farther than they actually are. 

- To illustrate their point they said:  Michael Moore thinks Pizza Hut is a mile away when it's really just down the street. 

With the Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon coming up in less than two weeks - on Friday, February 26th, I really need your help! As you know, the Bed & Bread Program is near and dear to my heart - feeding and sheltering almost 5000 men, women & children in our area 365 days a year. This year Gail and I are donating $30,000 to the program and hope you will help us "Match" that money and turn it into $60,000. Any amount is welcome and you don't have to wait until the 26th to donate! Pick up your smartphone right now and text the word PURTAN to 41444 and follow the prompts. It's quick & easy...and together we can make a real difference in the lives of so many. And don't forget to listen to the Radiothon live on WJR am 760 on Friday, Feb. 26, from 6am to 10pm. I'll be hosting the 7pm to 10pm slot along with "Purtan's People". Thanks so much! 

-Dick 

P.S. Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

Today is Presidents Day! 

- The day we set aside to honor George Washington and Abraham Lincoln by saving 50% on a new mattress.

- But to be fair... When I think of a mattress, Bill Clinton does come to mind. 

*****

RIP... Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. He was found dead of natural causes in his room at a Texas resort on Saturday. He was 79. Even Liberal commentators were saying over the weekend that he was one of the great legal minds in the 240 year history of the United States. 

*****

Democrats want a liberal replacement for Scalia, Republicans want a conservative...

- ...and most Americans think Judge Judy is the most qualified. 

*****

Scalia's death means there are only eight justices on the High Court which could leave decisions stalled at 4-4. 

- In the event of a tie, they will go to the time honored method of Rock, Paper, Scissors. 

*****

Kanye West sent a tweet out over the weekend asking people to pray for him because he is $59 Million in debt.

- Not even the Pope is going for that one. 

*****

Oddsmakers say tonight's Grammy for Album of the Year will likely go to rapper Kendrick Lamar's "To Pimp a Butterfly". 

- I haven't been this excited since 2006 when the Oscar for Best Song went to "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp. (True!)

*****

Whole Foods announced that they plan on incorporating Tattoo parlors into some of their stores. 

- We know two things: The tattoos will be overpriced and gluten free. 

- Company Execs say they didn't really think about it, the idea just came to them organically. 

- So now you can get a Free Range Chicken and a Tramp Stamp at the same store!

*****

In Canada, Doritos sold Valentine's Roses made out of tortilla chips. 

- Nothing says "I Love You" like a bouquet covered in powdered nacho cheese. 

*****

The Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon is less than two weeks away! Gail and I are asking you to help match our donation this year of $30,000. Anything you would like to donate is welcome in our effort to turn that $30,000 into $60,000. Every penny raised goes to feed and shelter almost 5000 men, women & children every day. It's convenient and simple to donate - you can do it right now! Just text: PURTAN to 41444 on your smartphone and follow the prompts. The Radiothon itself takes place on Friday, Feb. 26th from 6am to 10pm and will be broadcast live on WJR am 760. I, along with all of "Purtan's People" will be hosting the 7pm to 10pm portion. Thanks so much.

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick